What to Do When They Won’t Accept Your Apology | Just Nona

You did the work. You had the hard conversation. You acknowledged the hurt. You apologized — more than once. And you meant it.

But no matter what you do, it is not enough. The wound keeps coming back up. The tension keeps showing up at the table. And the relationship stays frozen in a moment that happened years ago — a moment that has now become the defining story of how this person sees you.

In this episode of Just Nona, I am answering one of the most layered heart questions this show has received. A listener is navigating a seven-year relational wound with her family member — a wound that began when her family member came out at 16 and she asked a question that came directly from her own trauma history. The question landed as rejection. She has apologized twice. They have talked three times. And the hurt keeps returning — while her husband absorbs the tension in the middle.

This is not a simple conflict. It is a layered wound with multiple origins. And it deserves an honest, careful answer.

We talk about:
Why a sincere apology cannot always reach the root of a layered wound — and what that means for your responsibility

The critical difference between guilt and ongoing responsibility — and why staying in indefinite guilt helps no one heal

How unresolved relational conflict quietly distorts the identity of everyone involved

What Romans 12:18 actually says about the conditions for peace — and the permission it gives you when peace is not being received

The difference between a peacemaker and a peacekeeper — and why one sustains you and the other slowly drains you

What faithfulness looks like in a stalled reconciliation — and what you are and are not responsible for at this point

And the conversation that may still need to happen — not another apology, but an honest adult reckoning with the current dynamic

You cannot complete someone else's healing. You can only steward your side of the relationship with honesty, dignity, and grace.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey friend, this is Nelna, and I'm so glad that you're here. Uh this podcast exists to provide a safe space where people can ask the hard questions that they're carrying in their heart and receive biblical wisdom from me, a friend. Uh in order for this podcast to be distributed as far and wide as possible, ratings and reviews really, really matter. So when you can, please leave a rating and also leave a comment because I love to read your feedback. I hope that you give it five stars, but whatever rating you give it, it really, really matters. So please just take a minute and let me know what you think, okay? I'm so glad you're here. Enjoy the show. You did the work. You had the hard conversation, you acknowledged the hurt, you apologized more than once, and you meant it. But no matter what you do, it does not seem to be enough. The hurt keeps coming back up, the tension keeps showing up at the table, and the relationship stays stuck in a moment that happened maybe years ago. A moment that has now become the defining story of how this person sees you. And if you're honest, there is something quietly exhausting about being held indefinitely to a version of yourself that no longer exists, about apologizing for a response that came from your own pain and your own history, and still feeling like you are on trial. Today's episode is for anyone who has done everything you know to do to repair a relationship, and now you're trying to figure out what faithfulness looks like when reconciliation isn't happening. Let's talk about it. Welcome to Just Nona. Just Nona is not simply a show. For me, it is ministry where I get to share the truth of God's word and answer the questions that so many of us carry in our hearts, but we're just afraid to ask. I cannot tell you how many people have either commented or messaged me saying that they have found their way back to hope in Jesus because of the answers provided on this show. Up until now, this show has been entirely funded by me, but God has placed a really big vision in my heart to expand it globally. And I simply can't do it without you. So if you have been blessed by this show, would you consider partnering with me by giving a gift of any amount to help us grow the reach and impact of this ministry? If yes, there's two ways to help. If you're watching on YouTube, just click the donate button, or you can head over to nonajones.com and click the give button at the top of the site. Now, when you go to nonajones.com and give there, you can either give a one-time gift of any amount, or if you really believe in this ministry and want to support in a deeper way, you can become a ministry partner by signing up to give monthly. I would be so, so grateful. May God bless you for your generosity. All right, back to the show. Today's heart question comes to us from a beautiful sister named Erica. Erica, welcome to the show. Tell us what's on your heart.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Hey Nona, it's Erica Jackson from San Diego, California. I'm so thankful that you've given me the opportunity to present my heart question to you. So here it is. We're content. And uh it was at the hands of my uncle, my mom's brother. So uh molestation and trauma is very dear to me. My mom, my sister, my brother, and I were all molested and are raped. Um that's very um dear to me, and I know it's very dear to you. So here's my question. I had a family member who came out about eight years ago that she was attracted to girls. And at the time I had a nine-year-old daughter. So when I heard it, I initially was like, I went into like triggering, right? Because I'm like, okay, I need to protect my children at all costs. And so I inquired about um the family member who came out to another person, um, her family member. And I was simply asking the question, like, hey, will my child be safe? You know, how does this look? How is she navigating this? Um, because again, I was doing it from a perspective standpoint. Well, of course, it got back to her, and uh, she accused me of um being uh, you know, insensitive, and uh she thought I thought she was a monster, and frankly, she was like, I can't even believe you would think that I would do anything to your starter. And again, I simply told her, hey, listen, um let me share with you my family history, let me tell you um what I've gone through personally, just so that you can understand my story and know exactly where my line of questioning comes from. Um since then, I have apologized to her. We've had multiple conversations, at least three conversations, where um we've tried to like hash things out. And again, I was telling her clearly where my heart was. It wasn't that I was um being insensitive to her, it was just that I was being a protective mom. And so again, I just need your help in navigating through this season. Um, again, eight years have since passed since I made that conversation, and this person still brings up what I said and what I did. So at this point, Nona, I have done everything from a Christian standpoint. I've apologized for my offense, and I've also prayed for her. Is this a relationship that's worth salvaging? Should I just um leave it where it is because there's no reconciliation, or do I continue to try? This is a close family member of mine, and of course, during family events like Christmases and Thanksgivings, it's always very awkward. So, any help you can give me, I would love to hear it from you. Thank you so much for hearing my question, and I look forward to your answer. Have a blessed day. Take care. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

No, Erica, thank you for asking that question. Um, it is a multi-layered question. It is a complex question, but I think it's also a question that many of us, those listening and watching, and myself included, have had to wrestle with. Um, which the question you asked, of course, is just, you know, how do I deal with a family member who keeps kind of bringing up a past offense that I've apologized for? But as I was praying into this, um I feel like there's a question behind the question, which is, how do I keep showing up for a relationship that won't heal? And then the question behind that question is, how long am I responsible for someone else's pain? And that is the hard question because I think as Christians, um, if we are followers of Jesus truly and we have a heart of compassion, we have a heart of love, you know, sometimes we can um assume that we are supposed to be responsible for someone's pain forever. And that is part of long suffering as a fruit of the spirit. Well, um, I want to talk first about what's happening psychologically, because I do think that this scenario in particular, um, there is a level of wounding that makes this very intricately connected. And so I'm going to talk about what I believe is the experience you're having on your side of the fence. But then I also want to talk about the experience that I think your family member is having on their side of the fence as well. Um, I think that this is a wound that has multiple origin points. So when it comes to you, you know, you responded to your family members' disclosure out of your trauma. And I have said in many um situations and scenarios that trauma is a translator. The trauma that we've experienced really does interpret our daily lives, especially when that trauma was deep, it was uh recurring, it was something that um affected our identity. It becomes a translator and it um becomes a filter through which we actually make sense of the things that happened to us and the experiences that we have. And so your response to your family member's disclosure was not out of malice, it was out of fear. It was out of the pain that you experienced at the hands of your uncle. Um, and I think with your family member, even though your question was coming from a good place, I suspect that it landed as rejection because your family member's admission came from most likely a place of vulnerability. Um, chances are that they themselves had uh navigated rejection because of their admission. And so the question that you asked most likely triggered their own rejection wounds. Um, and so while you were motivated for a concern uh to protect your daughter, I think that your family member really received that concern. It landed on a place in their heart that was already tender, was already wounded, and may have already been defined by um perceptions that they were, you know, dangerous or unsafe. Uh and so they were carrying their own rejection wounds. And I think that your question, even though it came from a good place, landed right in the square center of their own rejection injury. And so um, there is trauma on both sides of this issue. And again, as I was praying about it and I was thinking about it, I realized that I can't really deal with um with your side without dealing with their side as well, because I think that these um these situations are deeply connected, deeply um um intertwined. So I think where it gets challenging is that you have apologized. So you have taken accountability for the hurt that your question caused, and they have made a decision not to receive your apology. They've made a decision to continue to bring up the past um in a way that continues to re-injure you. And so it feels almost like as they are re-injuring themselves with remembering the question, they are kind of projecting that pain onto you in a sense almost as um as like getting back at you for hurting them. And so uh it feels like what they've essentially done is they have made the wound that they experienced from your question almost like the organizing story of your relationship. And I'm suspecting that because this is a family member, you had a relationship certainly long before the question was asked. And so it seems like this person has now reorganized the story of your relationship around that moment in time instead of taking into account uh the full scope and the full breadth of your relationship. So psychologically, this tells me a few things that I want you to consider. Um your family member's pain around this incident is likely bigger than you. It's likely tangled into deeper wounds, including identity pain. So whenever somebody holds on to uh something for this long, when an apology has been offered, when um a remorse has been shared, when they continue to hold on to the pain, that tells me that it's it's bigger than than you, and it's bigger than your question, it's bigger than the moment. Second, and this is where it gets difficult for those of us who have apologized to people who do not receive the apology. Uh, when a wound is layered, meaning that it's not simply the result of the one thing that you did. When a wound is layered, a single apology, even if it's sincere, um, it can't always reach down to the root of the wound because your action is only one layer of the wound. And so the fact that you apologize for your part of the wound does not heal the wound because there are multiple layers to it. Um, and third, uh, you mentioned in your written submission of the question, you mentioned that this family member is an adult. And so um, because they are an adult, I do need to be very clear that they have agency over their own feelings. It's it's one thing if you're dealing with a child. Um, and we've all, I'm sure, had uh situations in our childhood where we were forced to deal with an offense from someone and we didn't have the language, we didn't have the processing capability to actually deal with it. And so the way that we acted out as a result of that injury was really not our fault because we didn't have the capacity to deal with it any differently. You're dealing with an adult who's actually made a decision for how they want to respond to their injury. And so, because of that, um, their healing is not simply yours to complete because they have agency over it. So, you know, you play a part in it, but it's not yours to complete. It's not yours alone. So, to be clear, you are absolutely responsible for your actions. We all are. We are 100% responsible for our actions, for our choices, for our decisions. Um, but we are not responsible for the timeline of another person's healing. So, to make this clear, we are responsible for taking ownership for the injuries that we cause. We are responsible um for repenting for the hurts and the offenses that we perpetuate. We are responsible for making restitution and repayment in the cases where our actions cost someone something. We are responsible for that. However, we are only responsible for what we control. We cannot be and are not responsible for the timeline that another person has to heal. So it sounds like in the eight years since that question was revealed to the person, it sounds like they really haven't done the work to heal from the injury, despite the fact that you've apologized, that you have repented for what you did. And so what you own is the actions and the the choices you made. What they own is the timeline for their healing. I believe that there is a um a really important inflection point in relational rifts. And that is the point at which you have to make a distinction between uh guilt and responsibility. So guilt says, I caused pain, therefore I must repay it. I did this thing that created an injury, it created a wound, therefore I have to, I have to repay it, I have to rebuild, I have to restore. I have an active responsibility in this scenario because I have guilt. Now, guilt again, I caused pain, therefore I must repay it. Responsibility says I caused pain, I acknowledged it, I apologized for it, and now I have to decide how I'm going to move forward with integrity. I see what I did, I own what I did, I apologize for what I did, and now I have to make a decision about how I move forward from what I did. It is very, very dangerous to stay in a posture of permanent guilt because if we stay in a posture of permanent guilt, that guilt will eventually become shame. And shame is not about what you do, shame is about who you are. So guilt says, I made a mistake, but guilt that is not addressed, guilt that is not um that is not um healed, it actually changes into shame. So it's no longer that I made a mistake. Shame is about identity, it says I am a mistake. And that is right where the enemy wants us to be. He wants us to be living in shame because as long as we're living in shame, we are in bondage. We are in bondage to a past that God has delivered us from. We are in bondage to a past that we have repented for. And this is even bigger, I believe, than just a specific action. Um, once you repent of a sin, if you are still weighed down by guilt from what you did after you've repented for it, that means that the enemy is reminding you of it so that you will become filled with shame, so that you will see yourself as unworthy, you will see yourself as unwanted. And that feeling of shame eventually gets actually projected onto our relationship with God. Because if I believe that I'm unworthy, then I can't even receive the words that God has said about me in his word. If I believe that I'm not good enough, I cannot receive the blessings and the favor that God has placed on my life, and therefore I may discount the goodness of God in my life because I'm filtering the goodness of God through the filter of shame. That is the enemy's ultimate desire, is to get us to live in shame. Um, and I do want to say, because I think this is important, in this specific case, uh dealing with you, Erica, um, you asked a question out of your trauma. And that in and of itself is not an accusation. You asked a question out of your trauma because your family history has made you hyper-vigilant about um the safety of your child with someone else. Um, that is not even about uh sexual orientation. That honestly is about your history. That is about your experience. That is about fear that still lives on the inside of you. It was about, it was about your wound. And so the context of your question actually does matter. Um you weren't asking that question um to be funny, you weren't asking that question because you truly wanted to just question this person's integrity, but because of the attraction piece, the fact that there is now an attraction that could create um an issue. And it triggered you, it reminded you of what happened with your uncle. And so I think that in order to have a truly repaired relationship, there's going to have to be space for both realities. On the one hand, the reality is um, you know, you have a history of trauma. On the other hand, the reality is she is now hurt because of the question that you asked. And so in order to have a healthy relationship, you're gonna have to create space both for both your your history and her hurt. They have to be able to live in the same space. Um I want to share just uh briefly a situation that I experienced um some time ago where I also um apologized for something, and that apology it was received, but the relationship wasn't repaired. So um had a scenario with um someone who was a very close friend of mine, and um kind of out on left field, they told me that um we weren't as close as as I thought we were, and that was deeply, deeply, deeply wounding to me because I don't make friends very easily. I have a lot of people that I'm friendly with, but people that I actually do life with, it's very, very few. And so this was someone who like was close to my heart, uh like in my life, someone that I I really enjoyed spending time with. And um, when that happened, it definitely caught me off guard. It wounded me. Um, but you know, they apologized for what they did, and I received their apology. I was admittedly a bit guarded just because um it was so shocking to me. But their apology led me to say, okay, well, let's figure out how to, you know, repair this relationship and make it work. Well, um similar, I think, to your family member, uh, they brought up the situation again, um, specifically uh citing some things that I had done that hurt them. And um, you know, I I apologized for that hurt that that they felt I caused them. Um I explained why I had a different perspective on it. Um, and and we just we couldn't really get a meeting of the minds. And um and things got got really heated to the point where I said in myself, I said, this is no longer a safe, a safe relationship. And so um I basically ended the call. I blocked the person on all my platforms, on my phone. I I did all of that. Um, and I I realized in retrospect, this was some months later, I realized in retrospect that I did that because that situation, it reminded me of some things that had happened in my past with uh other people that I had allowed to get close to me that had hurt me deeply. And so I basically shut them out of my life uh really as a defense mechanism to try to protect myself. Well, some months later, uh, while I was in prayer, I felt a sense of conviction about it. And the conviction that I felt was Was, you know, that person and I had never really had a rift before. We never really had any type of argument before. So the fact that it came out of the field was crazy. And it just got like really, really like big and um and it it just felt like it got out of hand. And so I reached out to the person and I just uh I apologized again. I explained how uh my own trauma had caused me to act in that way. And I um invited them to just get together for lunch if they wanted to, to kind of sit down and talk through everything. Um, and they responded and said, no, they didn't want to do that. And um I in that moment was able to fully release um any feeling of guilt. I was able to fully release um any feeling of further responsibility because I had acknowledged the part that I played um in the relational rift. Um I acknowledged the um the mistake that I made, and I respected, uh respected their choice. Um I think that that is a huge part of understanding the the difference between guilt and responsibility. Guilt will keep you in a place of rehearsing and rehashing uh what you said, what you did, um, you know, uh how the person doesn't like you, how they feel. It will kind of keep you in a place of um of just feeling uh feeling wrong constantly. Responsibility, however, says, hey, I did a wrong thing. I'm apologizing for it. I'm gonna do what I can to make it right. And, you know, I don't control how the other person receives what I do. Um, but you know, I'm going to do my part. And this matters so much because, again, going back to what I said about shame, uh, if we allow ourselves to sit in guilt for too long, it will eventually uh transform into shame. And that then becomes our identity. So uh the identity distortion that happens when we allow ourselves to sit in really manufactured guilt, because what's happening, especially in your case, Erica, it's been eight years of repeated apology, uh repeated acknowledgement, and this person has made a conscious decision to not reconcile, to receive uh the repentance and forgive. They've made that decision. And so uh the the process that can actually infect your identity is when you have this thought pattern that starts with, hey, I hurt this person, I apologized, um, but my apology isn't enough. And because my apology isn't enough, you know, maybe I'm a bad person, I must be a horrible person because I did this thing. Um, and because I'm a horrible person, maybe I'm no longer welcome in this family. Um, and maybe I should just completely disappear from this dynamic entirely. So again, the the triggering event, the fact that, you know, you did this thing and you apologize and it wasn't received, now that kind of goes through this metamorphosis of becoming, I'm a bad person and therefore I don't even belong in this family. So we want to really cut that whole process off at the very top of it, because if we don't, um, it becomes identity malformation. We'll start to see ourselves through the lens of um of what we did wrong and the fact that another person refuses to forgive us for it. Now, I do want to call out that in this specific instance, I think that there is a parallel identity distortion that's happening, which is on her end, um, she is thinking, okay, this person questioned my character. That must mean that they never truly accepted me. That must mean that I'm not safe here, uh, and that must mean that I have to stay on guard. So on her side of the fence, she also has a bit of an identity distortion happening where she is now filtering your relationship through uh the lens of the trauma that she experienced. And she's also accepting some uh distorted identity markers based on her experience with you. Uh so I think that in this case, you have two people who have two wounds that are interrelated. Um, and these distorted identities are kind of reinforcing each other. Okay. So I want to get into uh just what I think the Bible has to say about this. I dealt with the psychology of it, I shared a bit about my own personal story, and I also dealt with um the identity distortion that can happen because of it. Uh the Bible is actually pretty clear about this. When we get into uh the book of Romans, uh chapter 12 specifically, Paul says something that's like really, really powerful, and to me, it's actually really, really freeing. Uh he says in Romans 12 and 18, he says, if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. So this is a really powerful verse, and if you notice, it starts with a very small but weighty two-letter word. If that means that it's conditional. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. It may not be possible, but if it is, as far as it depends on you, as far as you can control, as far as you have uh influence in the situation, live at peace with everyone. Um you may not be able to live at peace with everyone, but you do everything that you can in order to create the conditions for that. Um, God does not want you to manufacture peace because manufactured peace, and I want to make a distinction here, uh, manufactured peace is what happens when we simply don't address tension. It's what happens when there is someone in the relationship who refuses to acknowledge that there has been a rift. And so we just kind of dance around the rift and pretend that it's not there. Um, in Matthew 5 and 9, the Bible says, blessed are the peacemakers. A peacemaker is not the same as a peacekeeper. Um, to be a peacemaker requires that you absorb the tension in a relationship in order to avoid conflict. But conflict avoidance is not healthy. It's not healthy for the relationship, and it's not even healthy for your biology. Um, high incidences of stress, all types of uh high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sometimes things like cancer, those tend to result when we have high incidences of conflict avoidance and stress. It actually changes our physiology. And so you're not meant to simply absorb tension to avoid conflict. Um, that's what a, excuse me, that's what a peacekeeper does. We keep the peace by avoiding conflict. We keep the peace by absorbing tension. But instead, we want to be a peacemaker. We don't want to just be passive. We want to actively uh create room for the work of repairing relational rifts. Um, and we want to accept that sometimes peace is not immediately possible. Sometimes that takes time. So you can't force another person's healing. All you can do is be intentional about how you show up, recognizing in your instance, Erica, recognizing that uh this family member has some challenges on their side of the fence. And so you show up um with love and care, you show up with compassion. You do not show up with guilt. You do not show up with a continued posture of guilt because you have apologized, you have repented, um, you have sought reconciliation, and they've simply chosen not to take that path. But you can show up with compassion. And so I think that when reconciliation stalls, the way that you uh can show up faithfully is one, you can refuse to retaliate or refuse to withdraw in bitterness. You can also maintain um basic dignity. When you're at family gatherings, you still respect the person, but you don't have to perform with like false warmth because that's not real. Um, I think also it's important that you protect other family members from having to become like mediators between the two of you. So you don't use family members uh to vent about the person. You don't use family members uh to try to get them on your side. You can't control if the other person does that. You can't control it. But again, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone, right? And so that means I'm not going to try to actively make the rift any wider by pulling other people into it. Um instead, I'm simply going to interact with you with uh respect, dignity, and compassion. I think you also should be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot sustain relationally. Uh, if you're in a situation with this person to where it's become very difficult just to have a simple conversation with them because they keep bringing up the issue, um, then that may be a signal that they may not be a safe place for you to have a relationship. And you have to be honest with yourself about that. And then I do think that again, um, if if possible, as far as it depends on you, leave the doorway to relationship open. Leave the doorway open, but don't stand in the doorway indefinitely. Because you mentioned earlier, you know, you have a young daughter who needs your energy, needs you to be, you know, fully present. And it's very difficult to be fully present with our relationships when we have guilt, when we have um a sense that we we owe somebody more than than than we've given. And so um, yeah, keep the door open, but just don't stand in that threshold uh indefinitely. At some point, you may have to release the relationship to the Lord and just allow the Lord to do um to do the work. After you've done your work, allow the Lord to do his work because from from what you told me, your family member is an adult. And so, as much as you have a responsibility in this situation, uh, they have a responsibility as well. And they're gonna have to make a decision about how they're gonna show up in their relationship. They're going to have to make a decision about whether or not they choose to receive your repentance, whether they choose to receive your apology. That's going to be completely up to them. So I want to give you just some reframing um questions to consider. Instead of asking, how do I fix this? I want you to ask, what does faithfulness look like on my side of this relationship, regardless of what they do on their side? What does it look like for me to be faithful regardless of what they do? Second, instead of saying, I can't keep apologizing, I want you to say, I have apologized sincerely. Now I need to decide what healthy engagement looks like going forward. I've made uh what I believe is a sincere apology, but they haven't accepted it. And so now I have to decide, okay, well, I have been released from my responsibility to make this work. So, what does healthy engagement look like? It may look like keeping things the way they are, but it may also look like changing things so they look a little different. You have to make that decision. And then instead of thinking this will never be resolved, I want you to ask, what would I need to release in order to stop being held hostage by what I can't control? That's an important one. That's a really important one. Um, in my situation with my um former friend, that's a question I had to ask myself, which is man, I would love to make this work. I would love to make this right, but what would it look like for me to um release the need to be in relationship with this person in order to not be held hostage by feelings of guilt? So just consider that. Um, and I would also say a conversation may still need to happen between the two of you, one that is um both compassionate and direct. I think a conversation um where you acknowledge that, look, I love you and I recognize that what I said those eight years ago really, really hurt you. Um, and I also want us to find a way forward that does not require us to continue to go back to that place. Um, I don't know what that looks like, but I'm willing to try and figure it out if you are. And then you just leave it to them to decide how they want to move forward because by then you will have confirmed that I do want to move forward, and I'm gonna trust that if you want to move forward as well, that we'll figure this out together. So um look, Erica, you're not a bad person. Uh, you are not a bad person. The question that you asked came out of genuine concern, and uh your genuine concern does not absolve you from the hurt that you inflicted upon the family member. We know that, you know that. And uh the hurt that was experienced by the family member does not give them a free pass to hold on to it forever, indefinitely. So that's why I said I think that this is a um, this has multiple layers of trauma, complexity, interconnectivities. There's a lot here, but you just have to make sure that you do your part. You've done what you can do. Um, now the work of healing for the both of you is going to either happen separately or together, but it can only happen together if uh your family member is willing to do that. So a few reflection questions that I want to just leave with you and anyone who's uh listening or watching, if you're navigating this where you also have been just feeling almost perplexed, you've been feeling um, you know, just at a loss, you've been feeling a lot of um angst because you've apologized to someone and they haven't forgiven you. Uh, four reflection questions I want to leave you with. One, have I fully acknowledged the impact of my original response separate from my intention? Sometimes people don't forgive us because they don't um they don't feel that our apology is sincere. And sometimes our apology is coming from a place that we just want to, you know, get on with it, but the person is still hurting. So just something to ask have I fully acknowledged the impact of my original response? Separate from my intention, we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. And so I want you to flip that in the case of someone that you hurt, instead of judging yourself by your intentions, judge yourself by your actions because they are. Number two, where am I confusing a feeling of guilt with ongoing responsibility? If you have already done everything that you can do to try to make it right, to try to, you know, create a scenario of restitution, um, do you have remaining responsibility or are you just feeling guilty because the other person has not forgiven you? Number three, what would healthy engagement with my family member look like? Not perfect, but honest. What would it look like? And it may be different, it's probably going to be different. Um, but what would that look like? Um, and then also if you're dealing with this in a family context, um I think it's important to ask, how can I align with other family members so that uh they are not caught in the middle of this situation? So, as I said before to Erica, but I want to say, of course, to anyone listening and watching who's walking through this, you are not responsible for another person's healing. You are completely responsible for owning uh the impact of the injury that you caused. You are completely responsible for that. They are not responsible for that. After you own the impact, after you have repented for it, after you've made restitution, if there has been some sort of tangible loss, after you've done that, um it's on the other person to decide to forgive you and it's on their side of the fence now to do the work uh to heal. However, the goal is to heal together. The goal is for them to see you as a partner in their healing. Um, but that's their decision, that's their decision to make. So I hope that this was helpful. I want to, you know, pray before we close. Um, if you have been carrying guilt over a mistake that you made, over action that you took, over something you said, something you did, and um the person has not forgiven you, and uh maybe the relationship continues to be broken, um, or maybe the relationship is on its way to being repaired, but you still sense hesitation and that's causing angst for you. I want to pray, um, pray for you, pray over you in this moment. So let's do that. Um, God, I'm grateful for the question Erica asked, and I sense in my spirit that there are so many people who are carrying around guilt because of a lack of forgiveness from someone that they hurt. I pray, God, that you will give, give us all wisdom on how we are to show up in those situations. Give us the wisdom to be compassionate, to be long-suffering, God, to operate with gentleness, meekness, kindness, and love so that uh we can be a source of healing the injury that we created, whether through our words or actions, uh, whether through our intentions, whatever it may be. Um, but I also pray, Father, that you will help us to walk in the grace of self-forgiveness. Um, when we've done all that we can do and the other person has chosen not to forgive us, God. Help us to walk in that grace so that we are not walking in a condemnation that will lead to shame, that will lead uh to a broken identity. We want to walk in freedom, but we want to walk in a freedom that is defined by compassion, that is defined uh by humility. Help us to have a heart of humility so that we can pursue relational repair in a way that honors you. God be glorified through our decisions, through our actions, and our words. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. As always, listen, stay rooted, stay grounded in what the word of God says. That is the only source of truth that we have. And the word of God is a lamp unto our feet, it's a light unto our path. And if no one has told you this, I really need you to know that God so deeply loves you, and so do I. I'll see you next time. Thanks for watching.