Breaking Free: Overcoming My 15 Year Struggle With Lust

In this episode of 'Defeat is Optional,' Ronnie Baker opens up about his personal journey, revealing his long battle with addiction and how faith played a pivotal role in overcoming it. Ronnie takes listeners through his childhood experiences, the pressures of growing up without a father, and how he fell into the cycle of addiction to pornography for over 15 years. He shares the turning point in his relationship with God, where he realized that true freedom comes from attacking the root beliefs behind his actions. A heartfelt message of hope and perseverance, Ronnie emphasizes the importance of identity in Christ and the power of God’s grace. Tune in for an inspiring story of redemption and victory.

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Transcript

Second Angle 0:00

What's

Ronnie Baker 0:00

up. Defeat is optional gang. This is Ronnie baker. Your host. Of that. If you did the optional podcast, Just want to thank you guys. First of all, for listening, for downloading, for sharing. We are on the 11th episode of the defeat is optional podcast. If you guys listened to my podcast previously, which was the undefeated podcast, we made it to 12 episodes. So I'm excited to push past that and continue to deliver you guys. Awesome content. That's going to help you grow as an individual and in your walk with Christ. I really wanted to take this time just to share with you guys my direction and where I want to go with this podcast, because. I've been doing this revamped podcast for 11 weeks now. I've been putting out a lot of content.

Second Angle 0:40

have

Ronnie Baker 0:40

done three live streams a week on YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook. For the last 11 weeks and I've figured out a lot of what I want to do and what I don't want to do. What I realized is that, although I'm putting out a lot of content, I feel like you guys don't really know who I am. And I want to shift this podcast. To less. Tips and advice to more of my personal story, the lessons I've learned. And so a lot of this is going to be. Tailored and geared towards what I've, what I experience on a daily basis. So I hope That makes sense. I'm hoping that as you guys stick around, you'll get to know more about me and that you'll enjoy the content that I continue to put out. With that this episode is going to be. A little bit deeper. And I will say that listen to discretion in device, I'm going to be talking about. And addiction that I struggled with for over 15 years of my life and how God really brought me out of that. I just want to open the curtains to help you guys understand that I'm not perfect while I do. Post all this cool content and new livestreams and All the stuff that I post looks cool, looks great. It looks like nothing's wrong, but sometimes, We struggle. We all do. And I just want to let you guys to know that I'm not perfect. Without further ado, we're going to jump into today's podcast. Today's episode. Okay. So here we go. I don't know if I'm the only one. But I grew up for most of my life, struggling with lust and pornography. I remember when I was younger, after my parents got divorced, I was looking for father figures for guidance. And because my dad wasn't around, I stopped waiting for him. It's almost like I grew from a 13 year old boy to a grown man. I stopped waiting for someone to come and save me. And I started taking responsibility very early. I'm not going to lie. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Growing up without a solid father figure. But what I learned was how to develop discipline and determination, which helped me win state titles. Get a full ride scholarship. And become a professional athlete. Without that guidance though, I fell into a lot of other things. It was also the reason I was addicted to pornography for over 15 years. The big question is how did I get there? So let's go back to that 13 year old boy. I remember vividly the first time I was exposed to pornography. That Christmas. I got a laptop. I remember being so excited because most of my friends had computers or laptops of their own. And now I finally had mine. I remember saying to myself, now I can have a MySpace page and chat with my friends on AOL. And I will tell you That AOL was like the coolest thing back then it was instant messenger. You can have conversations online. It was the thing to do. My mom at the time, she worked long hours at the hospital and she would take my younger brother and sister to school. So typically I was always making sure that I got on the bus. On my own. I got to school on my own. And since I was the last person to leave the house, I remember always almost missing the bus so many times because I would literally forget if I locked the door. To my apartment. And I'd have to run back home just to check and make sure it was locked. There's so many times. Where I'm standing at the front door of my apartment. And the bus is like coming down this long street and rounding the corner. My bus stop was on the other side of that corner. And I remember seeing it and like basically racing towards the bus stop. I got a lot of practice in running pretty early. But because I was the oldest, I had a lot more responsibility. When you're the oldest, you have to set the example. And so I would always get home before my brother and sister and way before my mom, since she worked pretty late. My mom worked 12 hour shifts at the hospital. And she always has worked in the hospital. She loves caring for people. And so that's where she was at working 12 hours a day. And I was at home after school one day. So I texted my mom and asked her if I could have a friend over to hang out and She's busy at work. She's not worried. She knows that. I can take care of myself. I'm a good kid. So she's Hey. That's fine. But little did I know what would transpire next? My friend introduced me to pornography and we watched for hours and I was consumed with images and things I had never seen before. I didn't know what to think. Something about it felt wrong, but at the time I didn't have the discernment to say no. But I knew it was wrong. Because deep down, I knew if I got caught. It wouldn't be a good thing. This one moment. Led into another and led into another. And soon I had an issue. I felt like if anyone, especially my parents found out about this. They would be disappointed in me that they would disown me. And that was a scary feeling because. I always did the right thing. I was a good kid. I made good choices. But this was one of those things where I felt like If anybody found out it wouldn't. It would ruin my reputation. And. This is what I wish I knew when I was 13 years old. I wish I knew that I didn't have to hide. But because of this, I felt like I had to be someone else to hide the true me all the time. Have you ever felt like you've had to be someone else around certain people? Never really being able to be your authentic self, doing things you never would do and saying things you never would say. So you don't get found out as the black sheep. The problem was. That fake person. Was becoming who I would be all the time. I was hiding. And since the beginning of time, all the way to the garden of Eden man has been hiding when they sin. I was just not equipped at that age to handle what I was going through. I started to believe that I was a terrible human being. That I was some sick weirdo because of what I did. I felt alone and alienated because that's what sin does. I felt so alone in my sin that I had little thoughts at times of hurting myself and playing the victim just to get attention. So guys, this is where I was at. As a 13 year old boy in my teenage years. Feeling alone. He alienated the black sheep, not fitting in. And constantly having to be someone else. So that I could hide the true me, because I was afraid that if anybody found out. It would be bad. But you're not going to believe what happened next. Or maybe you will. I did what most people do. I proceeded to bury my problem.

Second Angle 6:42

I

Ronnie Baker 6:43

overachieved and I worked extremely hard. My father wasn't around. So I became the 13 year old man of the house. And because of that, I never developed a proper relationship with my father. And I think that bled into how I saw my heavenly father. I saw my heavenly father as distant, unavailable someone I had to perform for in order to receive love. Someone who didn't love me for who I was. And someone that I had to make love me.

Second Angle 7:07

All

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of this was a lie. Obviously my earthly father loved me with all his heart. And my heavenly father did too. But when you're that young, you don't know the difference. And I grew up. For me guys. Just a little backstory. I grew up in the projects of loaf, Kentucky. My parents weren't together and we didn't have money to do a lot of things. And because my mom had a single income, we moved in with my aunt for a period of time, my cousin, and eventually live with my grandmother in her three bedroom apartment. So we didn't really have a place of our own, most of the time. And I couldn't help, but wonder. Was there a better life for me out there. I developed an extreme work ethic because I thought if I could do well enough in sports. I can make enough money. I could change the circumstances of my life. My mindset as a young boy was all or nothing. In sports. I always stayed late to do extra reps. I outworked every single person on every team I participated on. In high school, I won the best condition athlete for basketball every year. I wasn't going to rest until I made it out of my situation. And I knew if I just kept working hard enough. One day. Everything would change. And everything did change. I accomplished my dreams. Discipline and determination are great tools and a big credit to have achieved so much. My life looked extremely good on the outside. I traveled the world, doing what I loved, which was running track. I was verified on social media. And being verified on social media was amazing when that was like the coolest thing that could ever happen to you. I still actually have a screenshot of when I actually got verified on Instagram. So that was cool. Add more money than I could ever imagine. Making I was living the life people dream of living their entire lives. But what if I told you that after getting everything I wanted. A full ride scholarship. Two NCL blade titles. A professional contract. My first ever house. And the first ever house guide was such a big moment, a monumental moment in my life because. Like I said, I told you guys, we lived. With my aunts cousins, grandma. And we never had a home growing up like a house. We always live in apartments. And so when I bought that first house, it was life-changing for me. I really felt like that was a point in my life where I had made it because I did something that my no one in my family had ever done. And I was excited about it because I felt like that was a place where I could make memories. I could invite my family for, holidays for Thanksgiving, for Christmases and. And really build something. I can, I could build a home. And I thought that was the coolest thing ever. I had all that I bought my house. made over a million dollars in my career in track and field. I've been in an Olympian. And all of that guys. Everything that I could have asked for and wanted. I had, but I still felt empty inside. I felt like I had done everything right in my life, but I still didn't seem satisfied. Working super hard, traveling the world and living the dream. This was my way of becoming happy, but the harder I tried to become happy. I sank deeper and deeper into this like dark abyss. I had the real life experience of realizing that the world can buy you happiness. I came from a family that was didn't have very much money. My mom struggled to make ends meet. And we didn't come from a lot of money. So from the hard work and determination dedication. The grind. I made a lot of money, more money than. Probably anyone in mile in my family has made. And. I got a degree and. It did bring me happiness. Yes. I said that Money can buy you happiness. But it can't bring you eternal joy. So that's the one thing I would encourage you guys to remember. Is that. Yes money can buy you happiness. And that happiness typically is temporary. Because it can buy you external things. The house was great, but.

Second Angle 10:55

it

Ronnie Baker 10:55

brought me happiness for a short amount of time. It didn't bring me eternal joy, which you can only find in one person. And I would find that out later. But hold up. You talked about all this Ronnie. What was interesting about this? And really my whole life story and the struggle that I was going through. Was that I grew up in the church. So I had heard the gospel message of Jesus Christ. Sacrificing his life to save me from sin. So why was I struggling so much? And I had been baptized at a young age. I professed and gave my life to Christ now. Even as. A young kid. Being baptized. I didn't really understand what I was doing. I feel like because I grew up in a church going to Wednesday night, Bible studies and Sunday morning services. I felt like getting baptized with just a part of the process. And. That's why I got baptized. I probably got baptized a couple of times. And gave my life to Christ a bunch of times, not only when I was young, but in middle school, high school. And in college because. When you mess up, you feel like you have to. Rededicate your life in. And regain the salvation, which is. For me. I understand now that whenever you feel like you have to continue to do that and give your life over to Christ and accept him in your heart. I feel like he Have a wrong view of Christ. When you did that the first time. You received the gift of salvation. You just need to. Turn right. Turn from the sin and repent So I professed to give my life to Christ. So why was I sitting in my bed at 2:00 AM scrolling on my phone? Looking at images I wasn't supposed to, after telling myself that this was the last time. Then it finally hit me. I had a problem. I was trying to fill voids with hard work money and less. I couldn't overcome this with sure. Will. I had to turn to God because he's the only one who could fill the void in my heart. Have you ever been at the alter Sunday after Sunday crying and begging God to forgive you and to help you. Yep. That was me. Every time I would try to stop. I did. But after a few months, I find myself back at square one. I was realizing at this point that not only was my sin hurting me, it was hurting God's people around me. All the people I was in relationship or relationships with. We're being hurt. Even causing me to be irritable with my wife. I would get irritable at her for showing affection to me. Who does that? I realized in many ways, I didn't like who I saw when I looked in the mirror. Therefore I had a hard time accepting it. If you understand what I was talking about earlier. I thought I was a weirdo. I thought I was sick. I thought that if people found out who I was, the real person, I was the thing I was struggling with that they wouldn't love me.

Second Angle 13:30

So

Ronnie Baker 13:33

can I accept love from someone? When. I didn't believe that they could see the real me. I was afraid that if my wife found out who I was, that she wouldn't love me either. I wasn't comfortable with who I was. My identity was. Was lost. I didn't have a proper identity of who I was and who I wasn't Christ. And that's why. When my wife showed me affection, I couldn't receive it. I couldn't just be loved. For being me. Because remember the real me was sick alone and believed he was a bad person. I was projecting that onto my wife. And yes guys, I tried the blockers on my phone. I tried taking breaks from social media. I tried men's groups and Bible studies. So quick question for you. Actually two questions. You ready? Okay. Why didn't that work? Why were all my efforts ending in more sin, even though I wanted to stop. Because the truth is I was attacking the symptoms of my sickness. Not the cause. I see when you're dealing with lust, you live in torment in two ways. One from deleting the apps. Because when you get rid of them, your internal urge to watch porn is still there. And two, you live in shame from the failure after you give into the urge. But you aren't going to believe it. After 15 years of wrestling with this. I just about gave up. I said, I'll have to live with this my entire life. Then I realized that I was struggling because I wasn't attacking the root of the issue. And the root of my issue. We're all the deep rooted lies I had believed since I was 13 years old. Do you want to know the truth that set me free? I was believing the lie that I was in bondage. But wasn't, I. I had been struggling for 15 years. The reality and the`truth is I wasn't in bondage. And I'm going to tell you guys why. You might be thinking, If you struggled for 15 years, you definitely were in bonded. You definitely were bound by the sin.

Second Angle 15:21

But,

Ronnie Baker 15:23

I wasn't. The truth is I never was. And here's why. I was a believer in Jesus Christ. Like I told you guys, I grew up in the church. I knew the gospel. I knew who Jesus was. I just didn't have a personal relationship with him. It's Like when you follow someone on Instagram and you see them in person. But you never met them. So you just never say hi to them. You never introduced yourself. I feel like that was the relationship I have with Christ. It was like, I followed him on social. But if I saw him, I would never approach him. It's Weird, but. something like that. And again, I was a believer in Jesus Christ, which means I believe he died for me.

Second Angle 15:57

If

Ronnie Baker 15:57

you believe that Jesus Christ died for you, then that means. That you believe that he set you free from sin because that's what his death did. Therefore I had been free the entire time. I was sitting in the prison cell of my mind. With the doors wide open. I could have walked out at any time. But I stay trapped because I was believing the lies of the enemy. I believe that I was a weirdo. A sick person. A failure. At the person I truly was, would be cast away and not loved. Vme has just convinced you of a lie. I'll never forget this. And if you have I'll remind you. The enemy can do nothing but lie. He never tells the truth. John 10, 10 says the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. But I come that you may have life and life more abundantly. This was Christ speaking. The enemy is coming to steal your life. He's coming to steal your freedom and he's coming to try to steal your purpose. But I realized that he can't do that. Once I actually discovered that truth. I started to experience a freedom, like no other. Over time. I became more authentic. Not needing to fit in. But being confident in who God created me to be. I since restored the relationship with my dad. Which has been such an amazing thing to see a relationship restored. Is awesome. Like my dad texts me the other day. there's just a lot of good things going on my dad's life. He got. A new job. He's moving into a new place. Is getting a new car. And this is big stuff for my father.

Second Angle 17:25

So

Ronnie Baker 17:25

it's just been really cool. He calls me, we talk, he texts me that he wants to pray today. It's just been really awesome. Being able to be in communication with him a little bit more than I have been in the past. And God is really working on that relationship. He's working on his heart. He's working on mine. And I don't blame my father for anything. I realized that my dad's a human. And that he had some deep rooted lies that he was believing. And what that did was it allowed me to have grace and forgive him. Not because it was a good thing to do. Not because it was for me. But I forgave him because Christ had forgiven me. I was living in sin for 15 years, myself. So how could I be mad at my father? God had already forgiven me so I could extend that grace and forgive my father to. The lesson and all this is that you don't have to pretend to be someone else. God loves you exactly the way you are. Even in your sin, he still pursuing you. And that's evidenced by the fact that you're listening to this podcast. All you have to do is give your sin to him and believe he's forgiven. You. And stop listening to the lies of the enemy. Most of the lies. That you are believing when it comes to lust. Our identity lies. The devil is trying to tell you. Who you are. Trick you into believing something that you're not. And so how did I get through all of that? I accomplished. Breaking free and 90 days. And here's how you can do the same. When you're trying to defeat less. You don't do it by focusing on external actions. You fix it by digging into the beliefs you have around why you continue to act out. I tack the lies. I was believing. Thus, my actions changed. I didn't try to change my actions. I attacked the beliefs with truth that we're forming these actions.

Second Angle 19:08

I

Ronnie Baker 19:08

realized I wasn't a failure. I wasn't loved. And that I didn't need to be ashamed because God's truth said,

H6 & ZV-E10-1 19:14

so.

Ronnie Baker 19:15

So these are some questions that you really have to dig deep and ask yourself. You really have to ask yourself why you gravitate towards less to gratify yourself. What are you trying to hide and cover up? What hole are you trying to fill in your heart? When you have that urge, ask yourself, what lie am I believing? That's causing me to have this feeling. And then ask God to show it to you. Romans six 14 says sin is no longer gear master. For you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead you live under the freedom of God's grace. Romans five eight says, but God demonstrates his love for us in this while we were still sinners. Christ died for us. So rest in this truth that God doesn't want you to struggle. He wants you to believe his truth and accept. Your freedom. And if you've been struggling for a long time, Understand that God will not give you more than you can bear. And that even if you've been struggling for 15 years, like I was the Lord uses all of what the enemy did in my life and in yours. And he takes that time and he repurposes it for his good. So now for the rest of my life, I can tell my story about how I overcame. Do the strength of Christ. I'd encourage you. If you're struggling to reach out to me via Instagram. And I will get you the help you need. So I love you. God loves you. And this is defeat is optional.