The Power of Journaling in Grief

In this episode Sue speaks with Adrien Terrell, a yoga teacher and writer.  Adrien shares her journey after losing her 19-year-old son and how yoga and writing have helped her heal. She discusses the importance of creating a sacred space for yoga and writing, and how combining the two has been transformative.

Adrien also talks about the power of journaling and writing prompts in processing grief and emotions. She shares her experience of teaching workshops that integrate yoga and writing, allowing participants to explore their stories through movement and writing. Adrien emphasizes the importance of showing up authentically and giving oneself permission to express raw emotions on paper.

Key Takeaways

• Creating a sacred space for yoga and writing can be transformative in the healing process.
• Journaling and writing prompts provide a safe outlet for processing grief and raw emotions.
• Combining yoga and writing in workshops allows participants to explore their stories through movement and writing.
• Showing up authentically and giving oneself permission to express raw emotions on paper is essential in the healing journey.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Meeting Adrienne Terrell
02:21 Creating a Sacred Space for Yoga and Writing
05:13 The Power of Journaling in Grief
17:15 Integrating Yoga and Writing in Workshops
31:43 Showing Up Authentically in the Healing Journey

Thank you for listening! Visit www.sueandersenyoga.com for Yoga for Grief classes and additional resources.

Transcript

Susan  Hi everyone and welcome to this episode of Growth from Grief. I'm so excited for my guest today, Adrien Terrell. Adrien is a yoga teacher and a writer and we met through a third party, a coach that we work with.

We didn't know each other before then, but we've had some lovely conversations and she's agreed to talk with us today about her journey after losing her 19-year-old son, her journey into yoga, but also how as a writer, she's been able to sort of reawaken after that loss.  And when she was in teacher training and now combines both of these into some great workshops and things that she's been doing with her students. 

So welcome, Adrien. 

Adrien  Thank you, Sue. So nice to be here today. Thank you. Yes, unfortunately, mean, fortunately, we were able to meet with each other, but unfortunately, in a club that nobody wants to be in, no mom wants to be in. 

So it's great to connect with you and to just have another resource of this all-encompassing grief. Yes. To be able to listen to your offerings has been just really, really, great for me. Thank you. Thank you so much. 

Susan Now it looks like you are in your yoga space right now. 

Adrien  I am. I am. This is probably the only kind of sacred space in the house where the puppy is not in. She does come down here in the morning when I'm down here and invades the space, but the rest of the house is definitely filled with noises and puppies and everything else. This space is a pandemic space too. For the longest time, I just had this little corner down here that I would practice in the morning. then ironically, it's my son's old bedroom as well. So I'm sitting in the space where he used to sleep before he had gone to college. And now it is my spot where I teach, I teach corporate yoga. I'm still online with that after the pandemic. And I also, there's some privates down here and it's my space every morning where I come down. I have my ritual of doing my writing and doing my yoga practice. So it is a very, very good space that came out of a kind of chaotic time.

Susan Yes, yes. That's really great. That's really nice. And I want to ask you some questions about this sort of ebb and flow or back and forth with your writing. So you had mentioned to me that you've always wanted to write. You've done a lot of writing and journaling. And you know, over time, you know, especially after your son died that stopped and then then you kind of it got sparked again. So can you talk a little bit about that? 

Adrien  Absolutely. So I've been a writer my entire life in one way or another, whether it's even my grocery lists that are a little elaborate sometimes. There was a point in my life when I was working at a family magazine and doing articles and doing event planning.  And then just, you know, having four children, having life, my husband's business, just so many things.  I was like so many writers where I was a writer that wasn't writing. And there's still, I have too many journals in my life that to even know where to begin with them. But definitely, I've always had that theme in my life where I'm writing or starting a book and not finishing a book or starting a story or finishing a story or submitting stories. 

But definitely when we lost Morgan, kind of the whole world shifted and stopped in a way. And I felt like this clench on this fist clenched on my heart, on my lungs, on my throat, know, and our throat chakras, such a big space where we speak our truth. And I was closed out.

And then it took probably a year and a half. Our youngest daughter, she was 13, I think, at the time, she said, Mom, I want to I want to go to a yoga studio, I want to try out yoga. And I'm getting back to the writing here. But we went to a yoga studio because she was underage, and you need an adult with her. And I thought, okay, I will definitely check this out and try this with you. And we went and that unfurling of that fist, that unclenching of that fist started happening. And just like I teach now too, that, you know, those broken spaces in our heart, this light started coming in and I was to breathe. I was able to move. I was able to write.

Okay, it's time to get, you know, those notebooks back out. And I had started and stopped again, some, some journaling, there was some lettering writing that I had with Morgan, while those first couple months. And again, writing has been a theme in my entire life, whether it's something that's private for me, or there are points with my daughters in particular, when we went through teenage years that sometimes it was hard to have conversations because I was always saying the wrong thing or making the wrong face or they were rolling their eyes. 

But through writing, we had this kind of little journal thing that we were doing back and forth where I would write, you know, and it didn't have to be something like deep and heavy. It could be something silly. And I would kind of leave this open -ended thing for them to share back with me. And then I would do that and we would go back and forth for a while. So it was a gateway to have something with our writing. 

And then the same thing happened after we lost Morgan is, you know, having that space to write in was a great spot to rage, to say all those words that you're not allowed to say out loud, that you can't say to a friend, that you can't say to a spouse. I could say all of those things on paper. And then I could also, find a softness where I could write a love letter to Morgan, to my other children, to my spouse, to myself. So it was playing like both of those roles of being, you know, that space to kind of, there's so much in the head just looping and looping and looping around, but having a space to put that in was a positive because there was a point I was heartbroken, will forever be heartbroken. 

But I had to make that choice. Do I want to suffer? Can I find ease in that suffering? And I was finding that ease, some a little bit of healing, that little bit of light through movement, through yoga, through meditation. And then what was complementing it was getting back onto that paper, getting back onto that journal.

Susan That's that is very powerful, a really powerful story. And I can absolutely relate to the part about the, you know, the energy being stuck in the chest and the lungs in the throat after Ian died. Same thing. I always describe it as a cloud was on my chest. Felt so heavy. And I I found also found relief from that with yoga, my first experience with that, just the breathing was like, now I can feel some opening, some opening spaces. And likewise, I also felt I'm not really that much of a writer. 

I'm person who journals when they feel intense. And then I have to get, that's another release for me to get it out. And so I had that same kind of screaming, love letters, that sort of thing. So I definitely can relate to those. 

But I wanted to pick up on something that I thought was really interesting that you mentioned. And that was also these letters or journaling that you did with your daughters. So that is really interesting. So I imagine that that was really helpful just in not just teenage years kind of things, but just other kinds of discussions in terms of maybe your son's passing or really kind of those tough subjects. Was that also part of that journaling exchange? 

Adrien Absolutely, absolutely. And that's, I'm not even sure where it came about. Of course, everybody was struggling in their own level. You know, we were definitely all hurting, but we were all kind of in our own things. my children were in various stages. Our youngest was in fifth grade, sixth grade -ish when we lost Morgan. And then the other two, you my son was a freshman and my daughter was in seventh grade, the middle daughter, our oldest daughter. 

But we, you know, there were so many times that it was a question of, of not a question. It was a there was a realization that our children lost not just a sibling, not just a brother. They lost their parents as we were. We weren't parenting the way we had and we never did again. And we never will. We will always have that that fear of the shoe dropping or whatever it may be. 

But I think there was testing that my teenagers were doing and some of it may be natural teenage, just what happens with teenagers. It's hard to ever know. But then there's the other parts of it where I think some of it was tests, a test of like, are you paying attention? Are you still here? Are you parenting me? Are you still listening to my needs? And unfortunately, sometimes the answer was no. 

I mean, it was really hard (to) be present, to be there for them when I was in such a deep hurt and depression. And so those little lifelines, those little things that we could find, those little threads of going to a yoga class together, of writing in this journal to each other. you know, of course, personality is, and I have found one not too long ago, personalities always are there where my youngest uses, uses humor, just like my husband does.

So everything in there, every one of her little entries are something silly, you know, she writes some song lyrics and be silly in it. And I wanted that to be a space where they could be without judgment. And it's really hard because as a parent, one of my biggest things to try to overcome is not to fix everything, try to fix and fix the and especially with this grief, this hurt that is there, I wanted to sweep in and I wanted to fix it and I wanted to make them feel better. 

And I wanted to also distract myself from my own pain and my own grieving process because if I'm over here trying to gloss over and fix these things or make our family seem presentable again, then, then I wasn't having to sit in the hurt that I had. So yes, so again, coming back to those pages and coming back to that paper, it was a really good way of also just saying, hey, remember this about Morgan? Or do you remember the time that this happened? 

And it was those things that seemed taboo to talk about because, know, and it's also, there becomes this halo kind of thing that happens when we lose anybody. And so I could write something down and my daughter could be like, no, that's not the way it went. He was being a jerk that day. He was doing this. And it was good because it made it human and it made it real because, and that's why I always, and it's interesting because as I bring this up, this open ended journal that we had, I can always tell my kids now they're in their 20s, they'll come back to me and they'll tell me, I got this text or I got this email and what do you think about it? And I say, well, sometimes you're reading maybe too much into this because it's not an conversation. It's not a back and forth thing. You could be thinking exclamation marks means anger and that could just mean that's the key that they hit. 

So sometimes I think we get lost in translation of written word, but sometimes it can be an opening, a place of saying like, okay, these words that I can't say, you know, just kind of coming back again to those rage words. There’re those barbed words like suicide, or like when my husband was going through cancer, I would say things like he's going through chemo, those things like that, that just feel stuck in your throat. I can write it better than I can say it. 

Susan I really, really like that. I'm sure it's very helpful for listeners that have other children. And I think you really described it very eloquently, the fact that the parents and each parent or each caregiver is going through their own thing. And each child is going through their own thing.

It's never going to be the same again. And how you parent is never going to be the same. And it's hard to communicate in words, in voice, because sometimes you don't really know what you mean or you're maybe lashing out, but you didn't really mean to lash out, but that's just what is happening now. So I really, really liked that idea of that journaling. I think that open -ended journal is really nice, a good way, to allow the communication. But maybe without, you know, that, I don't know, seat of the pants or like, you know, that really quick, you know, reaction to a question, or a concern or something. 

Adrien Yeah, yeah. Some thought behind it. Yeah. So it's a nice way to, to hold space in a way that is like you said, I love that. It's not a quick, quick answer. sometimes the brain is not always on, you know, you're cooking dinner, and you don't know that they're asking you a very serious question right then. And you can be flippant in your answer, but it could be, you know, Hey, they're saying, I had a really rough day today because being at a middle school is hard. But I also had a really rough day today because I have a broken heart and I'm at middle school today.

Susan Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. I wanted to talk a little bit about your journey into teacher training and then how that kind of opened up your writing and as you started your website doing your own teaching and now you have these combination kind of workshops and classes. Could you talk a little bit about that? 

Adrien Absolutely. So as I said, I was, I started taking yoga classes. Had no intentions of becoming a teacher. and we just, we actually went on a retreat with my mentor in Spain in 2017. And ironically, I'm getting ready to do that same, yoga retreat in, October, but my daughters and my husband and I have gone on to this retreat. 

I was walking the paths and just enjoying this nature and everything around it. And I said, I want to become a yoga teacher. And I told my mentor that. And she said, yes, I was just waiting for you to realize this is what you want to do. So, you know, she knew before I did, of course. And so I did a signed up for yoga teaching training that winter and went through that. 

And then it was interesting because like I said, of course I had been doing some journaling. I had been starting to write again. But when I got onto my mat or into the teacher training, there was just this little, little voice in the back of my brain that said, finish your book, Adrien. Finish your book. And I said, that dusty thing at the bottom of the drawer. And I said, no, absolutely not. I mean, I am now trying to do teacher training on the weekends. I have a busy business with my husband. I have three children that I'm just trying to get through a day to day and also feed everybody. How in the world am I going to do pick up? 

And then sometimes I have to wonder too, because I am definitely one of those type of people that a glimmer over here is a nice distraction to keep me from what I'm supposed to be doing. But it was insistent, and it just kept saying, okay, no. And I said, okay, well, where in my day do I have a moment that I can do writing other than journaling, other than just my lists and things like that.

And I thought, well, there’s my yoga practice in the morning. I wake up early, I come down to my space, I do some yoga. And I thought, I do not want to lose that time, that me time. That is something that was very sacred to me. And I thought, well, you know, maybe I split the time. Maybe I use, you know, my journal here. Maybe I use this for this time of writing and sketching out this book or, you know, revisiting and reading it and seeing where I left before or after I do some movement. 

And so then I just said, okay, well, this is the time that I have dedicated to me. Let me dedicate part of this time to my yoga practice and part of this time to my writing and to my craft. And then I just started doing that and it became routine and it became just a really great place to say, this is opening up. This is great. 

And so then went through yoga teaching training and there was something about it that I just said, you know, we all have a story to tell, whether it be a fictional story, whether it be, you know, narrative about our lives, or may it be about, you know, talking about just our journey in general of, you know, big advocate right now, as my husband is finishing up polio rectal cancer, I talk about it now.

I want everybody to go and get their colonoscopies. And I know this is totally off subject, but we have things to share. We have things to share, whether it be in verbal or whether it be on the page. And so I was like, well, why don't I start doing workshops about this? 

And so I came up with this idea of doing not only workshops, but just kind of little vignettes of things, the little, I call it Vignette Vinyasa. 

Susan I love that. 

Adrien Of this Prompt and Pose, because we have this limited amount of time. And you can say, I have so many things to say, I have so many things to write about. And then you can put down onto the journal, onto the paper, and your brain is either a void of all thoughts, or it's too many millions of thoughts.

So for instance, I would be like, okay, well, let's just do a little bit of a heart opener. Let's just do a little bit of that unfurling of the shoulders. Let's do some of this, you know, letting go and then adding in saying, all right, now let's write about what is something that you can let go? What, how does that feel to set something down? And so the marrying, know, dovetailing those two things together, it just made sense.

Just like we learn in our yoga teaching training is we do the movements, we do the asanas so that we can quiet the mind. So we can get kind of, say, get the fidgets out before we get the digits out and things like that. But doing those things, yeah, getting that movement out. And then the brain can go, okay, I've got something to say, or they can attach to that prompt that I've given, and it can take you down so many different ways. 

And so that's why I started coming together in what is solitary, I mean, you know, grieving is very lonely. Writing is a solitary kind of thing. You know, we do this by ourselves in our offices or, you know, sometimes in coffee shops, but bringing it together, that energy of holding space around there for everybody. And nobody has to share what they've written, but there's something about being bolster to bolster on your mat next to somebody and doing some of those movements, telling our story through our movements and then bringing it out on the page. 

It's beautiful. It's a nice way so that I can be of service to other people and I could hold space and I can say, yes, tell me your story. Tell me your story through your asanas. If you want to read your stories out loud that you put on your paper, then I would love to hold space and hear those too. So it's just an honor. It's so it's so great to be a part of all of that. 

Susan It sounds really, it sounds really lovely and a little bit different than, you know, for example, in some workshops, it would be like, the, you know, a co -facilitator, a facilitator or co -facilitator would just give like a prompt and then you'd write something down. This feels a little bit different than that. Would you say that it's a little bit different? I mean, because I feel like when you're doing the movement first and then you're tying, tying that suggested, you know, prompt, if you're giving a prompt in with the movement, it sounds like it's a little bit different than being in group and just having, even if yoga is part of that, because I have done, you know, like a yoga for grief kind of group that also included journaling and with a co -facilitator. 

And it was lovely. was, you know, we, I think the participants liked those, but I feel like yours is a little bit different. It just feels the way you're describing it feels different.

Adrien I think so in the fact that I am definitely showing up as my messy, authentic self. I am showing up to people saying, okay, let's do this thing of, you know, I don't think, you know, that people necessarily have to have been doing yoga for five years, 10 years, whatever it might be. I mean, it's just showing saying I have a body and I can move and some of these things make sense. That is a typical call out of a warrior two or something like that. But some of it is just, know, some somatic movement of just going, okay, you know, what happens if I, you know, for instance, I usually start a lot of yoga classes like that where I say, you know, just holding yourself here. What does this evoke within you? You know, closing your eyes and cradling yourself and maybe just finding that nurturing, just that little rock back and forth or side to side. What does that evoke within you? And then just kind of feeling into that for a little while and then doing maybe some gentle movement and then just saying, you know, who in your life makes you feel loved?

Can you write about that person who is making you feel loved? And if that's you, great, fantastic, write about that. And so it is a very connective workshop because I'll come in and it's not always about grief. I think we all do grief in different ways. I think when I discussed that the last time we chatted when we talked about, know, grief doesn't always have to be, you know, a loved one. could be an animal. It could be a home that you loved, a car that you never wanted to get rid of. It can be a number of things. 

But so just like I said, you know, holding that space and doing some breath work. You know, there's a lot of times too that people haven't even done some of the breath that we do sometimes and feel that power, that fire. And then now, put some of that down on the paper. What did that do? You know, because our hands are direct connections to our heart and to our brain. And so when we start to move and when we start to turn upside down and change our perspective, and then we say, okay, now that your head has been underneath, know, turned upside down, not a headstand, not for this girl, but that's my, I do that sometimes too. I'll do it class and what are you most resistant to? 

But yeah, it would be headstand for me. But just sometimes doing those inversions and kind of seeing the room in a different perspective and then saying, now pick up your paper and write from a different perspective. And I'll say, look around in this room and write from the perspective of something in this room.  And people go wild about this one because I get the great, this is where everybody wants to read out loud what they wrote. And I'll all of a sudden have somebody and I'll say, don't tell me what you wrote about. Don't tell me. I want to guess what perspective that's this is from. And it can be a plant I didn't even realize existed in a studio. Or it could be a mirror or it could be some really, it's really interesting things. And so then I'd like to also bring that into fictional writing. 

So if I have people in my class that want to kind of spice up their creativity and bring it into their fictional writing, I can say, okay, well, we just changed our perspective. Now, what if you change your perspective to that 12 year old boy that you're trying to voice or your character, that dragon or whatever it might be that you're trying to voice. 

Sometimes we need to kind of put ourselves into uncomfortable positions or just different positions that we haven't been in for a while or get rid of some stuck energy and then go, wow, that's just got all those synapses floating and moving and I got something to say. 

Susan So now, most of these are, I shouldn't say most of these are, your workshops and classes only in person? Because you're out in Colorado, Is that right? 

Adrien I am. am. And currently they are, but I have been developing something that I'm doing online. I'm creating a workshop where it's similar to my, call it Pen Paper Poses. I have been developing that so that I can have that online. And as well as doing a little series of the prompts and poses that I have been putting together that would be just some asanas, some movements, some breathworks, and then some prompts behind it. 

I meet with a writing group on Mondays, and we've been virtual since the pandemic. And it's one of those things too, even before we sit down, I to do a little bit of breathwork, a little bit of movement, because I think it's really hard to, I know personally for me, it's really hard just show up, whether it be my yoga practice, whether it be writing and then just say, okay, okay, perform. I'm not a dancing bear. I need a moment to kind of ease in and kind of, you know, do a little ritual and respect that. And, you know, it's like brushing our teeth before bed. It's lighting the candle on my desk before I get to writing or it's doing some movement before I write. 

So all of those things kind of, you know, make the experience for me a little bit more than just going, okay, I sat down and I cranked out a thousand words, which I don't do that a whole lot, but fingers crossed if it's a good day. 

Susan So are you, you, did you pick up your book from a long time ago? Did you get back to the book? 

Adrien I did. I did. So Mariposa, it is a book that I started when my youngest was - I always say her little ducky jumper that sat in the door jam. And I started that, gosh, you know, and the kids between naps and between preschool pickups. And I have picked it up and I have set it down and it's been a hundred different books. And now it is finished. I am, yes, am over a celebration. am over a, well, over three quarters of the way of third re -write on there. So yeah, so I am shopping around and looking for an agent and doing that, that other part of it, that part that I'm trying to, you know, ease into it. 

And there's definitely those things that I, you know - just like with grief and just like with this journey that we've unfortunately had to take with Morgan, - I've thought that these timelines that I've set were concrete. And then I feel bad about myself if I didn't hit those imagined, not imagined, but self -set goal. And so, and I think we shared this last time too, I was saying that, you know, I remember going to a grief group, a parent grief group shortly after we lost Morgan and seeing these people in these rooms that were, you know, eight years, 10 years into their journey. And I looked at my husband and I thought, and I said, wow, they're still, they're still really, they're still hurting. 

And in my silliness, I thought that there was a timeline. I thought that, you know, I mean, just like when you have a baby and you think forever that you're going to have this time of your life that you will graduate from being up all night, having that position of that timing with them, and then you'll move on to another space. And I just didn't realize how forever that was.

And then the same thing with this book and with all of my writing where I have thought, well, I'm a failure because it's taken me 24 years to finish this, to finish it and add edits and do those things. So then I'm not a real writer. I'm not a real person. I'm not dedicated enough. I'm not meant to be to  see my book in you know, the airport or bookstores. But then I realized, and you know, and the coach, Amanda, shout out to Amanda, those realizations about there’s seasons. And there's times, there's, and these, these, that, you know, these timelines that I continue to make for myself. 

I love Mondays. I love beginnings of the month. I love New Year's. I love setting resolutions. And then I also kind of like giving myself a little bit of, a little bit of fire at myself, feeling bad when I don't hit those deadlines. And that's kind of destructive. So it's not a good way to be. 

So instead I can say, Mariposa has taken me this long, but it is a completely different book than what it was when I started it. And I don't, it's not the same. It would never be the same with all those years in there. And it's the same thing with this grief journey. 

Unfortunately, I have a friend that is in her very, very beginning stages, just lost her daughter recently. And I can be there for her and I can give her advice, but more than anything, I can give her space. And I can just say to her is you will not feel the same way as you are right now in these first weeks. You may feel better, you may feel worse, you may have harder things to do, but you won't feel this same way again. And that's the only reprieve. That's the only thing that I can give her is that space and that little bit of. 

Susan Right. And that listening. Yeah, you know that ability to because you understand you're not trying to fix something. You're not trying to, you know, talk her out of something, whatever. You're just listening and maybe prompting with a question or two, but not trying to solve something that you know can't be solved. We know that. So it's just more about being that being that sort of guide, guiding person guideposts guiding person. Yeah. That's wonderful. That's wonderful that you can be there for her. 

Well, I'm excited for you for your book. I can't wait to have the opportunity to read it. Is there anything else that you wanted to mention to our audience about writing or journaling and yoga, especially during grief journey, anything that pops out that you haven't talked about? 

Adrien I just think that the biggest thing is not to overthink it and not to put so much weight and stress on these types of things. Over and over again, when we're performing, when we're writing, when we're doing these things, we think about what it's going to be for somebody else to read it, for somebody else to look. But to go into these things, just raw and say the things that you want to say and not think about editing yourself and that you not thinking about somebody else will read this and think terrible thoughts about you. Put it down on the paper.

And if you have to burn it to get rid of it, because you don't ever want to have somebody find it, then that's what you can do. But if you could just kind of give yourself that permission and that space to say and put those things out there in the world, it doesn't make you a bad person to write things that you wouldn't be able to translate to another person. To be able to say to somebody else some of those words, some of those things, because you think you're not allowed to have those thoughts. 

Anger is a big one. Anger is a huge one. Of being able to say, be able to get that notebook out and write to my son how angry I am, how mad I am for those, you know, to say how disappointed I am that he will not have all of these things, all of those things, you know? And so to quit editing ourselves because we do have to wear this space. We do have to be in this body. We do have to show up to our jobs, to our kitchens, to our wherever it needs to be. But maybe showing up on that paper, we can be all those things that isn’t performance ready. 

If that's a good word. Without lipstick without..

Susan as you are as you are. 

Adrien Yeah, I like that show up as you are. Put that on the paper. And just see that comes out. 

Susan Well, thank you so much. People that want to get in touch with you. What's the best way? 

Adrien So on my website, it's www.composedyoga.com  is a great place to reach out to me, hoping to have some of those little shorter videos in those ways if they're not here in Colorado to practice with me. 

And I'm not really active on Instagram, but I try to get on there and I have big plans to be on there more. I have to look at my notes because I never remember it's at adriancompose.yoga. So that's my Instagram.

Susan Well, that's great. Well, thank you so much. It was such a pleasure to speak with you today. And we will, you and I will be in touch again soon. And thank you everyone for listening to this episode. We hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. 

Adrien Thank you.