Navigating Grief: How to Offer Support Effectively

Summary

In this episode of Growth from Grief, Susan Andersen discusses how to effectively support someone who is grieving. She emphasizes the importance of understanding the grieving process, offering concrete ways to help, and maintaining consistent communication. The episode provides practical examples and encourages listeners to be specific in their offers of assistance, recognizing that each person's needs may vary. Ultimately, the goal is to foster healing and connection during a difficult time.

Takeaways

• Grieving individuals often struggle to articulate their needs.
• Specific offers of help can be more effective than open-ended ones.
• Consistency in support is crucial for those dealing with loss.
• Understanding the grieving process can enhance your ability to help.
• Tailor your support to the individual's preferences and needs.
• Being a good listener is a valuable form of support.
• Regular check-ins can provide comfort to the grieving.
• Offering practical help, like cleaning or cooking, can be impactful.
• Encourage the grieving person to engage in activities they enjoy.
• Don't give up on offering support, even if it's not always accepted.

Thank you for listening! Visit www.sueandersenyoga.com for Yoga for Grief classes and additional resources.

Transcript

Susan Andersen (00:02.006)

Hello and welcome. This is part two of our focus on helping, either asking for help or how to help someone when they've suffered loss and are grieving or anytime that someone is stressed out and you really want to help them. We've all been in this position where we know somebody who has experienced a loss, and we want to help. And sometimes we're not sure what to do and we ask, and the person doesn't know what they want either. 

So, in this episode I'm going to give you some suggestions that might help get a little bit of a discussion going, especially since the person who's experienced the loss is really just reeling with all of this grief and shock and might not be able to express what they want.

If you have found that these episodes, this podcast has been helpful to you, I hope that you will share, and you can share the episode with someone that you know who is grieving loss or you can also share this information by leaving a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And I would really appreciate that because that allows other people who are grieving and are looking for resources to find it. So, let's jump into Part Two.

Susan Andersen (01:47.468)

Hello, I'm Sue Andersen, grief guide and yoga teacher dedicated to helping individuals navigate the challenging journey of loss. Welcome to Growth from Grief, where I aim to offer strategies to transition from the depths of grief to the path of healing. Whatever loss you are grappling with, here you'll discover support to ease both the physical and emotional burdens of grief. Together, let's embark on a journey towards strength, peace, and healing. I'm so glad you are here.

Susan Andersen (02:41.726)

Hello and welcome to this episode of Growth from Grief. I'm your host Sue Andersen. This is part two of our two-part series about asking for help or how to help someone. And in this episode, I want to give you some ideas, some concrete examples of how you can help someone who is grieving. 

But before we get into that, let's talk a little bit about the mindset, just the overall experience of the person who's had this loss. They are in shock. They are experiencing a lot of stress, a lot of anxiety. They are not focused on anything but their pain, their intense loss, how they're feeling inside. And especially in those early days after loss, you know, in those early days after loss, it's really difficult for anyone to focus. You just...

You know, it's just a very difficult time, very emotional. So when, as this person grieving, when you get these requests of “how can I help you?” “What can I do for you?” You have no idea whatsoever. You really are barely functioning yourself, right? So as the person who wants to help, sometimes it's best to be very specific.

Susan Andersen (04:36.17)

So, I'll give you an example of something that happened in my own life. When my son died, he was not living with us. He was living in a different state, but an hour away from us. And at the time, my two of my friends just...called and said, “hey, we're going to come over and we're going to clean his house.” We're just going to clean. And I said, OK. I really didn't even think about it. They came and they cleaned the house. And I can't tell you how helpful that was. They didn't need to chit chat with me. They didn't need to talk about anything. They just came. They cleaned the house.

And then we the next day had a service. Had the mass. We had people come over and have some food and they had cleaned the house. And I can't again, it just I still think about I can picture in my mind those two friends cleaning the house. Now that was a concrete thing that they thought of that they just told me they were going to do and I didn't have to think about it. I didn't have to make a decision. 

So, when you're thinking about or when you want to reach out for help, there are some concrete things that you can do just like they did. You can just come over and clean the house. You can say, hey, I'm going to come over and clean the house or hey, I'm coming over to walk the dog or care for your cat or if this person has children I'm going to play with the children so you can have a break, you know that sort of thing,  you can be very direct and very specific. 

Susan Andersen (06:56.878)

Another idea is to give this person who is grieving a choice you could say, “Hi, I want to help you and on Saturday I can come over for two hours and play with the children or walk the dog” and let that person decide.

Susan Andersen (07:15.498)

Decide which one would they want to have help with, you know maybe they want to go for a walk with the dog because they need to just be out by themselves and doing something that they feel is normal and they would love for you to do something else you know watch the children or you know clean their house whatever you know some other thing that they would like help with.

Another thing that I felt very, very, very thankful for was another friend of mine just would call and say, hey, would you like to get a cup of coffee?

Susan Andersen (08:03.82)

You know, yes or no, I could make that decision. I could say, I don't know, call me tomorrow and ask me tomorrow, or call me next week. I just don't know if that's going to be right for me.

So those kinds of things where again, you're being very direct and very specific, I think are easy for the person who's grieving to answer the question.

Susan Andersen (08:39.96)

You may also feel that you recognize that this person is struggling in some particular area. Maybe they want to talk, and they just want to talk, and they don't want to hear what you have to say, they just need a sounding board. They just need a good listener. Offer to come over and just listen to them.

Offer to come or just give them a phone call. How do they like to communicate? Think about that as well. Is this a person who loves to talk on the phone? Do they prefer text messaging? Are they in close proximity that you could offer to stop by?

You know, so I think that's another good thing. Think about how this person likes to communicate and communicate that way. Your offers of assistance. You know, I have different friends and acquaintances who have experienced losses in the last couple of years, and each person is different, right? Each person is going to grieve their own way. And a couple of these people are not in close proximity to me. 

One of them I did a lot of texting with. That's the way we communicated. Every so often we would meet for lunch. So I just texted her and just said, hey, I'm thinking of you.

Would you like to go for coffee tomorrow or something like that? And I just texted her once a week. I just made sure that she knew that I was available and that I recognized that she might want to go get a coffee or a lunch or go for a walk. And maybe she wouldn't, but I put the offer out there and I continued it.

Susan Andersen (10:59.958)

I just continued to do that once a week for, I don't know, a few months anyway, you know, a few months. And so think about that as another way to help.

Susan Andersen (11:17.228)

When people are experiencing loss and you as a listener to this podcast probably have experienced loss, I think it's important to think about what this person maybe liked to do before or where they have found solace before. If this is a person that likes to be out in nature maybe you offer to accompany them on a walk or maybe you give them the opportunity to do that by again watching their dog or their children or someone else that they care for. So, they have that opportunity to go for that walk. 

This is especially true if the person that you want to help is dealing with say a family member, maybe they're caring for a family member that's terminally ill, they're grieving something that is going on right now. They probably need a lot of help and just giving them that hour to go take a walk or get a massage or something like that would be extremely helpful.

I would like to also mention that it's important not just to offer help to sound like you're being helpful. And I know that doesn't sound nice but think about it from this standpoint of that friend or family member who is experiencing loss. Don't let your offer be hollow. If you can help, be specific. If you really can't help with something like, you know, food or walking or something that's in person, maybe again, you're just giving a phone call. And, don't give up. Don't give up. 

Susan Andersen (13:49.664)

We have very, very close friends that invited us to dinner periodically. Sometimes we would go, sometimes we wouldn't go. Now that was a normal habit, right? That was something normal that we did prior to my son's death. But you know, this was important for her to kind of continue. She knew we probably didn't want to go out to dinner. We certainly weren't in the position to cook dinner. And so she offered. And again, this is something that probably went on for, you know, six months or a year. It wasn't just a one time deal.

So I hope these ideas that I've presented here spark some imagination for you, spark some food for thought, give you some ideas of how you might be able to help this person in your life who is grieving, who may be struggling and you want to help them.

And if this was helpful to you, please share this episode with someone else.

Thanks for listening and I'll see you again soon.