Reframing Words: The Language of Grief

SummaryIn this episode of the Growth from Grief podcast, host Susan Andersen explores the profound impact of language on the grieving process. She discusses three specific words—perseverance, strong, and okay—that have taken on new meanings for her in the wake of her son's death. Through personal anecdotes, she emphasizes the importance of choosing words carefully, both in self-talk and in conversations with others who are grieving. The episode encourages listeners to reflect on their own language and its effects on their grief journey.

Takeaways

• Words can either comfort or cause pain during grief.
• Perseverance can feel inadequate in the face of loss.
• Strength is not about being unbreakable; it's about vulnerability.
• Saying 'I'm okay' can feel hollow and empty.
• Language shapes our experience of grief.
• It's important to think before we speak to others in grief.
• Grief is a personal journey, and language can reflect that.
• Choosing the right words can aid in emotional healing.
• Self-expression is crucial in navigating grief.
• Resources are available to support those grieving.

Thank you for listening! Visit www.sueandersenyoga.com for Yoga for Grief classes and additional resources.

Transcript

Susan Andersen (00:00.334)
Hi everyone and welcome to episode 40 of the Growth from Grief podcast. I'm your host Sue Andersen and I have a little bit of a gravelly voice today. I'm just getting over a cold. Today is March 12th, 2025 as I record this. So I think a lot of people in my area geographic area have been sick with colds and flu as we transition from the winter season into the spring. I'm one of those people and so hopefully I'm not going to be coughing during this episode.

But today, I wanted to talk with you about language and the language of grief, and specifically about three words that really bother me now. They really, really bother me. These are words that once felt empowering, but now, they really feel different in the wake of loss. 

And I don't know about you, but when you think about what you need as you're grieving a loss, whatever that loss is, remember, a loss is a loss and it's your loss. So whether that is a loss of a pet, a loss of a person in your life, a loss of a job, a house, whatever your loss is, that is your personal loss, your personal grief, and words, words we tell ourselves and words that other people say to us can comfort or they can ring hollow or they can even be painful. 

Susan Andersen (02:15.96)
And I'm sure that each of you listening has experienced has experienced that when you're grieving a loss or talking about your loss. Sometimes people say things like, it'll get better. you'll find another job. you know, it was a blessing that that person left. I mean, words that just don't make you feel good and words that probably the person saying them doesn't really feel good about them, but they don't know what to say either. So they just ring hollow. They're just not comforting. And frankly, in grief, sometimes there aren't any words that feel comforting. Maybe just saying, I'm here for you, is a comfort rather than some, I'm so sorry kind of a
of an answer or reflection.

But anyway, so that's a little bit, you know, talking about just words, words that can be helpful to us, words that can be a comfort and words that can be painful. But there's three words that I just don't like anymore. really, can't, I don't like to say them. And I do not feel good at all when people say them to me or I hear them.

And the first word is perseverance, perseverance. And perseverance, of course, and of itself is just a word. And it means to continue, to not give up.

Susan Andersen (04:05.998)
Keep doing something to the end, even if it's hard. And that's a nice thing, right? Certainly is a nice thing to think about, to talk about, to say to, maybe that's the way you think about how you're moving forward in your grief.

That word to me just makes me very, sad and a little bit angry because Ian, my son, had perseverance tattooed on him. And he tried. I mean, he just really, really tried in his life, right? He was suffering mentally and yet he tried to be a good person. He tried to succeed in what he was doing. He really had that tenacity, right? He really, really wanted to succeed and yet he felt like a failure. That's one of the things that he said and it's one of the things that he wrote in kind of a loose journal that he kept, right? He felt like a failure. 

So perseverance is just one of those words that for me rings hollow because here was my son trying and trying and trying and yet he couldn't do it. He died. And so that's how for me, you know, it feels very heavy. And it's really inadequate. I don't use that word myself. I don't say like, I'm going to persevere through this loss. You know, I don't use that word.

Susan Andersen (06:25.782)
I don't know. It just doesn't, it doesn't feel right to me. But you know, it's also possible to think about perseverance as moving forward, but not pushing through. So perseverance also has that connotation of like pushing and I'm going to do it no matter what. But maybe we can think about or I can think about perseverance as just one foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other, couple of feet forward, couple steps back, right? And it's not a pushing, it's not a pushing through. 

So that's my first word that I'm not really, very excited about. don't like that word and I don't really like to use it. 

The second word that just, I don't know, I just have a reaction to it. It makes me bristle and that word is strong. You know, the...that word strong,  people say to you when you are grieving, right? you're such a strong person. You'll get through this. I don't know if I could do it. You're just so strong. You're stronger than me.

Susan Andersen (08:07.308)
You know, that word just again, it makes me bristle. I don't like that. And people still say it to me. you're so strong. That's you know, that's how you can do what you're doing. Well, there's two things about that for me. One is I wasn't strong before I lost my son? I wasn't a strong person? You know, I wasn't I didn't have a conviction?  And that's not true of me. At least in my opinion, I think I was a person that was dedicated or is, but prior to my son, dedicated and strong. 

I like to use the word strong in related to physical strength. I feel strong because I can, you know, I've been doing pushups or something. Now this is me. This is how I think about me, right? You know, I can, you know, do these pushups or pull-ups or whatever physical exercise. I like to think about strong that way.

You know, in grief, strength isn't about being unbreakable. It really isn't. You know, we're not like these people that just, you know, okay, all right, I can do this. You might fall apart if this happened to you, but I'm not gonna fall apart. Well, that's certainly not true. I fall apart a lot. I still fall apart. Right? that's definitely not true. But maybe I can think about, and maybe you can think about, as allowing yourself to just feel everything, feel all the emotions.

Susan Andersen (10:09.176)
Thinking about strength in terms of vulnerability, that sort of full spectrum of emotions. One of the analogies that I like when I think about strength is a warrior. We have, in yoga, there are different warrior poses, warrior one, warrior two, warrior three, and they're, they are or I am reminded of a warrior as a person who is fearful but has courage. So they're going to go into the unknown but they have courage to move forward, to go into that unknown, that battle or whatever. 

So the strength comes from, I guess, the fear and the courage. So I like to think about it that way. I like to think about strong as courage. Being fearful, I don't know what's going to happen, but I certainly didn't know what was going to happen each step of of the journey of my path after Ian died. 

Susan Andersen (11:35.962)
I had no idea, but it was important to me to move forward, to go to that next step, open that unknown door. so the acknowledgement of vulnerability, of being honest with yourself and really feeling all the emotions, I think that resonates with me in terms of the word strong.

But if people say that to me in the context of how my path has changed, my mission in life has evolved since my son died, I'd stop them right there and explain. I don't like that word strong. It has too many assumptions and it also means that again, to me, I wasn't strong prior to this. I didn't have that conviction prior to this. 

That's my second word. 

My third word is, I'm okay.

Susan Andersen (13:12.542)
Every single one of us does this. People ask you, how are you doing today?I'm OK. It's so hollow. It's so empty as a response, and I'm getting tired of it, right? I'm getting tired of it. Certainly it was a response that was easier to give earlier in my grief. Right, I'm doing alright. I'm doing OK because the person who's asking that question wants to make sure you're all right. 

You are not going to do anything crazy. You're not going to fall apart or something like that, especially early in grief. People that know you, I'm not talking about strangers. I mean, talking about people that know you. They want to make sure that you, you are not going to do anything crazy. You're sure you're okay? Do you need anything?

I think it's important to recognize that we use that response, I'm okay, because we don't have the energy to explain exactly how we're feeling. And frankly, sometimes other people don't want to hear exactly how you're feeling. So that's the other thing.

If I'm honest with myself, I also ask that question to people that I don't really want to know the answer, but I want them to know that I'm thinking of them. And so if they just say, I'm OK, then I feel like, good, I did my job of asking them how they are, but I'm really not invested in understanding exactly how they are.

Susan Andersen (15:20.448)
So it kind of goes back both ways, right? Me as the person asking and me as the person being asked. So.  I'm really curious if you have a different way to express what's really going on with you. I'd love to hear it. I really would. I really would like to know how you answer the question of how are you doing or how are you doing today? That's different than, I'm fine or I'm okay.

If you have another answer, yeah, definitely share it.

You know, it's, I guess the word itself is sufficient in giving an answer to the question, especially if you don't really want to talk about, again, you don't have that energy to explain exactly how you're feeling, or you don't want to get into a conversation with somebody that, let's say, is well-meaning, but they're going to continue to probe and ask and ask and ask. They're not really there to listen; they are there to hear.

Susan Andersen (16:44.428)
And continue the conversation, which is different, right? If you're a listener, you are letting that person just say what's ever on their mind without interruption, without offering advice. You're just there. And it's your presence. That's the important thing. 

So those are my three words.

And you might have words that have evolved in meaning through your grief journey.

So again, mine are perseverance, strong, and okay.

I'd like to encourage you to think about the language you use with yourself, but also with others. So I didn't even talk about the words that I used to describe myself. I really didn't talk about that. These words that I'm talking about are words that either I hear, I read, or people say to me.

But of course, the okay would be my response or the response that I am hearing from somebody else when I ask them the question and I don't want to know anymore. So kind of think about that a little bit. 

Susan Andersen (18:30.432)
I'd love to hear about your experience with words and language.and maybe share your own experience, words that you've struggled with or words that you have redefined to help you as you move through your path of grief.

In closing, I'd like to say that language is really important. What we say to others and what others say to us. And I go back to Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Buddhist monk. I really, really resonate with a lot of his teachings. And the one that I'm thinking about right now is: right thought, right word, or right speech, and right action. 

So sort of think before you speak, before you act. maybe that, having that in mind would be helpful when we are talking to someone who's experienced loss.

And even if we're talking to ourselves, what do want to say to yourself? You know, kind of getting out of that self-criticism, which is in and of itself a whole other episode, (Episode 34 - Building Inner Strength: The Power of Positive Self-Talk) which I did talk about previously in terms of words that we say to ourselves.

Susan Andersen (20:17.16)
If you are looking for resources to help you through your grief journey, I invite you to come to my website, suandersonyoga.com. You will find there this podcast, as well as blog posts and a tab that has some download material for those grieving. 

And also my calendar of classes. I teach a yoga for grief once a month virtually as well as in person. And I have other like yin yoga and restorative yoga. So other classes that will really help you in terms of moving your grief. So again, sueandersenyoga.com and I invite you to check out those resources for grief. 

And until next time, thank you for listening.

Have a great day.