The Power of Sharing Stories: A Conversation With Dana Day

Summary
In this episode of Growth from Grief, host Sue speaks with Dana Day, a builder and remodeler, about her journey through grief after the loss of her sister. They discuss the importance of sharing stories, the impact of mental health, and the role of faith in healing. Dana shares her personal experiences with guilt and regret, the healing power of social media, and her journey in the construction industry as a woman. The conversation also touches on the significance of community support and Dana's exciting experience with HGTV.

Takeaways

• Sharing stories helps others feel less alone.
• Mental health struggles can affect anyone, regardless of success.
• Guilt and regret are common feelings after a loss.
• Social media can be a powerful tool for healing.
• It's important to seek help and support during tough times.
• Crying is a natural and healthy expression of grief.
• Finding a supportive community is crucial for healing.
• Faith can provide comfort and strength during difficult times.
• Getting back up after a loss looks different for everyone.

Thank you for listening! Visit www.sueandersenyoga.com for Yoga for Grief classes and additional resources.

Transcript

Sue Andersen (00:09.304)

Hi everyone and welcome to this episode of Growth from Grief. This is episode 45 and I'm so happy to introduce you to my guest, Dana Day. And as I mentioned in the intro, Dana and I have a mutual acquaintance, somebody that we work with individually and that's how we got to know each other. So welcome. Welcome Dana. 

Dana Day

Thanks.  Thank you Sue so much for having me. I'm so excited about this. It's important.

Sue Andersen

Yes, yes, getting sharing our stories I think is really important getting that message across. Yeah, they are for other people so they don't you know, feel like they're alone or kind of hide their feelings inside, you know.

Dana Day

Exactly.

Sue Andersen (01:03.534)

But let's begin, if you would just talk a little bit about what you do, kind of your role in the world, if you will. then let's follow that on a little bit of a conversation about your sister.

Dana Day

Okay, I'm a builder remodeler. I've been doing this for 20 years. And being a woman in a male dominated field, everybody has to ask, you how did I get into it? Well, I hired a bad builder to build a house for me and my family. And I ended up kind of well, I took a TV tray and a soccer chair and I went I was a mortgage loan officer at the time and I went and I

sat at the house and I started making a lot of the decisions and choices and trying to get things back on target. And I fell in love with the process. And here I am 20 years later, still doing the same thing.

Sue Andersen

Yeah, that's so interesting. And I really, I love the fact that you kind of just took this initiative to get it right, to get what you wanted for your house. you are project, as the builder, you're project managing these projects.

Dana Day

Right. Yes. I'm the general contractor. I'm yes, I'm managing budgeting, just designing, working with the clients, everything. Yeah.

Sue Andersen (02:35.97)

Yeah, that's great. That's great. And I'm going to save your story for the end because I think it's really cool. This is the story about the program that you were on because that's that's fine. Yeah, that's kind of a fun part of it. Of your of your career. Yeah. And recognition of you. 

Dana Day

Thank you.

Sue Andersen

But the reason that we're chatting here today is about your sister. And your sister passed away a year before my son passed away. you have been on this path just about as long as me, a little bit longer than I have been. And certainly have your own lessons that you've learned and things that you share right now with other people. 

And so can you begin by just talking about your sister and a little bit of what happened in terms of her passing away?

Dana Day

Yeah. So to kind of tell you the dynamics of our family, there's four girls. I'm number two. She was number four. So she was the baby of the family. And there's six years between us. So I always kind of wasn't like a mother hen, but I did feel that pulling of helping her more than just a sibling and being there with her. She passed away when she was 34 years old and she did struggle with, depression. She was she was the light of the room, you know, she'd walk in and she was all smiles.

Dana Day (04:29.8)

And, and she always thought very positively. And but then there was things that got her down, you know. And she did have two attempts on her life before. And she was getting help and she was on medication and things like that. But I don't know if I answered your question or not.

Sue Andersen

Yeah, you did. think a couple things that I wanted to get just so everybody knows Dana and I've had a conversation prior to this. So we shared a lot of our stories a little bit deeper when we first spoke. But one of the things that I think is important for listeners to hear is the fact that she got help. She tried to help herself. She tried with you, with other people. Sometimes that unfortunately doesn't work all the way.

Dana Day

Yeah. So, um, before she passed away, she was on a new medication, and it was really bothering her stomach. And so we, she was kind of in a transition of getting off of that one and getting on a new one. And she had come to me, and this is kind of what brought her down, you know, and she had come to me and prior to, she always told me, she made me promise her, whatever you do, don't allow me to go into a mental facility, no matter what, because it'll end my career.

Dana Day (06:32.416)

And she was very prominent in her career. She was the number one salesperson in the world. I mean, she was taken to Japan to teach people how she sold and she knew she would lose her job. So she made me promise her that. So when she came to me and she said, Dana, I think I need to go into a facility. I said, just let the medicine work. Just give it some time. You have me to talk to, just give it another week. That didn't happen. The guilt, the regret that came with that. And she called me the day of and she left me a message and it was very positive. Was uplifting. Was, love you girl. You know, call me when you get a chance. But I didn't return her phone call. 

So the guilt and the regret, it just builds. when she passed away, and I had to call my family and let them know, it rocked me to my core. It changed me. It changed me. And it took me down a dark road. 

Dana Day (08:20.216)

And one of the things that I didn't realize at the time Facebook was somewhat new. And I know nothing. I'm not technically savvy or anything like that. So I had no idea that when I posted something on this dedicated page for her and all the family and friends that it bled over to my mine. 

Dana Day (08:46.626)

And so I just wept over all over Facebook, I just poured my heart and soul out. I was in a very, very hard place. But what I didn't realize is that other people were watching. Three people private messaged me. And they said that they have seen what it has done to me, and how it's me. And they would never want to do that to their family and friends. So they went and got help and I saved their life. 

And alongside of that, I got, I had this voice in my head, speak, write a book, speak about it, write a book. I'm a builder, I'm on the creative side. So writing a book was like, you know, it was not in my will house. So, and I was in no mental state to do anything. So fast forwarding, 12 years, it came up again, you're ready now. Now it's you're ready. You know, it's time to help other people. And so that's here I am. And I appreciate you so much for letting me come on and share my story and, and talk about that dark, that dark place that we all have been to.

Sue Andersen

Right, right. And I think my experience, and maybe yours, because our losses have been around the same length of time, that talking about suicide those 12, 13, 14 years ago was still a little bit not unheard of, but people didn't really want to talk about it. It's a little bit better now, I think.

Dana Day (10:48.344)

No.

Sue Andersen

Just the subject of mental health and the fact that a lot of celebrities have shared their experiences or their thoughts, I think people are a little bit more comfortable. But certainly back when your sister passed, that was really very hard. Sometimes it's certainly hard for you, you know, in an environment that, you know, might not have been as accepting, you know, to be able to talk about that. The fact that you were able to express yourself and felt comfortable expressing yourself on Facebook, and just by chance, other people kind of saw that, right? 

But I know exactly what you're talking about, because my son's friends also set up a page for him on Facebook. So that was nice to be able to share. I think that at that time, it seems like people were not talking about it.

Dana Day (12:11.7)

Yeah, yeah on her page even it was it wasn't even people  but there's a handful that were we were grieving together you know and and you know i went to a grief class and it's amazing when you do have others you don't feel alone.

And those pages are nice because you're not alone. And sharing your feelings, even if it's hard, how you're helping yourself and other people, you know, they always say journaling is very helpful. So is talking.

Sue Andersen (12:53.974)

Right. Yes, yes. you know, the other thing that I wanted to just ask you about mentioning about talking, I mean, journaling and writing. So you mentioned that, you had this voice, you know, God saying, okay, you know, you should write about this, you need to share this and all this. And at the time you weren't ready. One of the things that I think is important for those listening to understand is that there's just because you weren't ready at that time doesn't mean that you're not going to do something. It's just you couldn't do it at that time. You were not, you know, you were not ready. You know yourself, you had a lot, You had a lot to go through yourself. A lot of healing for yourself first before you could help others.

Dana Day (13:53.294)

That's right.  That's right. But he planted that seed.

Sue Andersen

Right, right, right.

Dana Day

And, you know, I go back all the way back to, you know, when I was in college, I volunteered for a, I was a crisis worker for a place called Call for Help. And my very first phone call was a young boy at a telephone booth contemplating suicide. So here I've had the intense teachings of how to talk to somebody. Talk them down off the ledge. Yet, when I was faced with that same situation in my life, It didn't work.

Dana Day (14:39.776)

It didn't, it didn't, you know, I couldn't do it. I didn't, I didn't do it. And, but I look at that, that was also God planting that seed back then. And maybe that's why I do talk about it so much and being open with people and being honest.

Sue Andersen

Yeah. Yeah. I think the, I think one of the hardest things, and you mentioned this also is the guilt about what you did or didn't do. Right. And that guilt, wow, that takes a long time to work through. What are some of the things that you found helpful for you and trying to like to release that guilt from yourself, give yourself that grace?

Dana Day (15:28.952)

So I um..  I went to a counselor. I also went to grief counseling. That was very helpful in the fact of suicide death is different than any other kind of death. Because it...you do have the guilt and you have the regret. You have the anger, you have the, the, all the stages of your emotions. And so one day you could be feeling this and within a couple hours, you've totally switched and you're feeling this now. So you, you feel like you are a mental person and you're going, you know, you're sliding down the deep edge. And so going and hearing that this is actually normal…you know, and hearing that other people are doing the same thing, it was comforting. Okay, this is the process. This is normal to feel these things. I now have to give myself grace. I learned how to give myself grace and I had to learn self love. and that, like you said, it took years. It took years to be able to not feel that guilt.

Dana Day (16:56.824)

And now I've come to the, no matter what I would have said, no matter what I would have done, the nettable thing would have still happened.

Sue Andersen 

Yeah.

Dana Day

There was no me stopping it. And I had to come to that fact.

Sue Andersen

Right, because we can only control our own actions. Yeah.

Dana Day

That's exactly right. And I've also experienced that deep dark hole when you are so depressed, and you are on the edge of suicidal thoughts. When you are having those suicidal thoughts, I've had them, I've been there. You are not thinking of anything but getting out of the darkness. And if the only light that you're seeing is ending your life,

Dana Day (17:53.078)

You know, I see now that it is not a selfish thing. It is a way to get out of the darkness. And it's the only way that you can see at that time. Yeah. And so once you realize that, and I realized that by me being in that, then I realized nothing I could have said or done could have stopped her.

Sue Andersen

There's, don't know what the statistic is, but there is a very high percentage of people that have lost someone to suicide who also die by suicide or contemplated - it's very high. 

Dana Day

Absolutely. Yeah.  It's extremely high.

Sue Andersen 18:53.292)

And, you know, I can remember driving and just saying, I could just swerve my car into that you know, yeah, bridge or whatever, you know, all the time. Yeah. 

Sue Andersen (19:01.9)

You know, I did that for a little bit for a while. And I don't think that's unusual either.

Dana Day

I don't think so either. I don't think so either.

Sue Andersen

I think you just have to, if you have that person like you mentioned that grief therapist or other counselor that you were talking with, that you can just say, hey, this is the way I feel. they said, that's okay. As long as you're not at this point or something like that, then they're start getting worried about you.

Dana Day

Yes, there are times where it is time to take the person to a mental facility or, you know, set them, you know, take them. There is a point that that even an attempt that is an attempt on their life, it is not for attention or anything like that. Because you hear, hear, well, she attempted twice. So she wasn't, who would have thought that she would actually done it this time? Well, that's not the way, that's not the correct way of really thinking that it's not accurate. They attempted to die, to kill themselves.

Dana Day (20:20.428)

You know, every attempt is a cry. It is a cry for help, that is.  Don't dismiss it. Get the person help. And a facility is sometimes the best bet, no matter what no matter what. And there is a taboo like, like, kind of like what you're saying. Once there's been a suicide in the family, people think of it. We've also had a family, another family member attempt on their life. And it scares, you know, us with all the children that we have, and now we have grandchildren, it is something that is very frightful because you don't want, because of that person did it. 

And, you know, it's okay to do it. That is a struggle that my family and I face on a daily basis. Like, it's not okay. We need to get help. Tell us when you're struggling. You know, if you see somebody that is not having a good day, don't just brush it. Talk to them. Hey, are you okay? Mental check.

Sue Andersen

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And just what you mentioned about, you know, sharing and talking, you just don't know who is listening or reading. You know, and that and you found that out when people responded to you with private messages after what you wrote after your sister died. 

Sue Andersen (22:06.414)

So during this last you know, the 14,14 years for you, almost 14 years. What have you found that's helped you? You mentioned counseling. Are there other things that you've done that have been helpful to you in terms of giving yourself grace, bringing you back to yourself, love and and healing, healing those emotions?

Dana Day (22:43.99)

I learned that crying is okay.

Sue Andersen

Hmm. Yeah.

Dana Day (23:04.982)

I still to this day have a very hard time talking about Leslie and not tearing up. I used to apologize for this emotion, but I don't because It's okay to have emotion. It's okay. And I just keep telling myself, give myself grace. Take care of yourself. You know? Surround yourself with loving people. You know, surround yourself with positive, uplifting people and you will get through it.

Sue Andersen

You know, you mentioned about crying. I this book that I was reading from Francis Weller is the author's name. He wrote about it's about grief. And he wrote about how people that are in an indigenous culture, like he's been to other countries, to understand, learn and observe what their practices are around grief. And he went to one village and talked to a woman. I don't know what her loss was, but he talked to this woman and said, you're very happy. How can you be so happy? And she said, I can be happy because I cry a lot.

Sue Andersen (24:46.068)

I thought, wow, that's great because you have to get that emotion out, to get it out. 

Dana Day

You have to get it out. And it does. It does uplift you when you're done. It. It does. It's something about that release that that does help. It has helped me

Sue Andersen

Yeah. Yeah, I agree. I agree with that. It certainly helped me as well. And same thing about apologizing. Now I just say to people, I'm a crier. So if I'm crying, and then the other person will say, I'm a crier too. So it's like, So we got that off the table.

Dana Day (25:28.468)

Right. That's right. And Sue, I want to say this too. There was a time where I needed anxiety medicine and depression medicine. And I, at first I took the anxiety medicine as prescribed, then I was able just as needed, you know, when I had an anxiety attack or something. And that helped me get through it. And that was a big taboo kind of back 14 years ago too, was medications and stuff like that.  It's okay if your body needs a little extra chemicals to balance you out. I do feel like that helped me in my process.

Sue Andersen (26:20.386)

Yeah, that's, I think you're right. Sometimes we need that extra help. And yeah.

Dana Day

Just that extra help. Yeah. And then can move forward. then, yeah. And it's not a permanent thing. It's never a permanent thing. It's just a thing to get you through that first year's the hardest. Yeah. Yeah.

Sue Andersen (26:47.618)

So, yeah, yeah. So one other thing that I was curious about, and I'm asking this question because, because I came back to this myself. So this is about faith. Yeah. And, you know, so I, I grew up Catholic. And

Dana Day

I did too.

Sue Andersen

And I went to all the Catholic schools, Catholic college, you know, the whole, the whole nine yards. And then it kind of fell out of that religion. And I, and I didn't really practice and, know, there was a lot going on in the church and still is of course, with, you know, priests and everything. But, I found when my son died that I needed that structure, and I needed that ritual. So it was less about, you know, the what's going on with the priests and it's less about all of that. And it's more about the practice. And I found that was really, really helpful to me. And, and, know, and my faith has strengthened.

Dana Day

Yeah.

Sue Andersen (28:14.934)

I think from that, again, I kind of separate the two things, right? The hierarchy and the actual practice and the prayers and all of that sort of thing. again, that has been helpful for me. And I'm just curious about your experience with faith as well.

Dana Day

Yeah, so I was raised Catholic as well and you know, did the church on Sundays and the Bible studies and stuff like that on Wednesdays growing up. And again, mine, I'm same way as you. I've fallen out of the Catholic religion, but I was going to a non-denominational church and three weeks before Leslie passed away, she came into town because she lives in Atlanta, Georgia, and I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. And so she came into town.

And we went to church and at close to the end of the church, they ask, you you're praying and they ask while you have your heads bowed, if there's anybody who wants to commit to, you know, God and, you know, raise your hand and, and Leslie raised her hand. And so that was huge for me because we grew up Catholic saying If you commit suicide, you're going to hell.

Sue Andersen

Right, right, yes.

Dana Day (29:43.638)

And so that was always a big question for me. Is she going to make it to heaven? And So we talked to a couple of different pastors, one being the church that she just dedicated her life with. They gave me another explanation that wasn't going to hell. was, know, God knows when somebody, know, mentally is at that state of mind. And they explained it to me with the sense of peace that I got, that I will see her in heaven. And that was huge for me.

Dana Day (30:41.228)

with my religion, with my faith, it only became stronger. I mean, there's a time I can tell you that I felt God picking me up. My grandparent, my grandma always had this footprints in the sand. And I imagine, I know when God picked me up and held me, know, carried me through my life. And I remember the time

Dana Day (31:08.92)

that he put, he started putting me down and my tippy toe hit that sand and he felt I was ready to stand on my own again. I remember those moments of God being there with me and showing me. it, my faith has always been so strong, very, very strong. And I don't know what I would do without my faith during that time of my life.  I don't, you already feel very alone.

Sue Andersen

Right. Yeah, that's true.

Dana Day (31:48.448)

You already feel so alone that. I can't imagine not feeling God's presence.

Sue Andersen

Is there anything else that you want to, before we get into your story, your fun story, is there anything else that you want to share about or what you'd like people to, listeners to know in terms of this journey and, you know, tips or anything like that that have helped you?

Dana Day (32:38.658)

Yeah. Finding that core group of friends and that family member that you can really talk with, soul to soul has been and just learning to have grace. Talking about it and learning to have grace. Getting back up is huge. And it's gonna look different. Getting back up is gonna look different. That's just part of our world now. All of our worlds changed in an instant. And to know that it's gonna look different. I think that when it starts happening, they'll be like, yeah, I heard that. This is okay.

Sue Andersen

Right. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. 

Dana Day

You're welcome. 

Sue Andersen

So what, so we're going to go back a little bit to the first story. I wanted Dana to share. So she mentioned, of course, she's the woman builder in the man's world. And she has a great story that I want her to share. So go ahead.

Dana Day (33:52.376)

So, so it starts is so funny. So I get an email from HGTV and I'm thinking, I'm not going to open this email. They want my money. They want me to advertise or something like that. So I just scrolled past it. Well, about three weeks later, I received another email from the executive producer and, she switched it up a little bit in the subject line. So it, I was kind of like,

What is it? So I clicked on it. I opened it and I saw that they had a series called Build It Forward. And what it was was Lowe's and HGTV came together and they developed grants for people. so thousands of people all over the United States applied for these grants. And it was for people who give back to the community. What they have found is when people give back to the community, a lot of times their homes aren't as taken care of. 

All the money and all the resources usually go to their passion, which is this, their foundations. So they wanted to combine giving back to the community in their, their foundation, plus help them with the house. So they have already chosen their five, people who they were going to give the grants to. 

So now they were looking for five different remodelers in different cities. So they were in the interview process and they asked if they could interview me to be the remodeler for the Tulsa area for the homeowners that live here. Man, are you kidding me? HGTV, talk about a bucket list that I didn't ever think, let alone that they're coming to me and asking me, you know, to possibly be on it. 

It was a three month interview process. Very, very entailed, very in depth. By that time I was already kind of working with the designers and the construction guy that organized it all. it was just incredible. So then they chose me and it, talk about a surreal feeling. You know, I still got to pinch myself every once in a while.

Dana Day (36:18.504)

It was such a fun experience. Very stressful, fun, just incredible, just an incredible experience to work with the two hosts and Tanya and Shane and to work with the executive producers, the designers for Lowe's and HGTV. I mean, when they would come into Tulsa, it was 40 people that came in for a week to... to film. Wow. You know, so it was a, it was a production that I'm so proud to say that I was a part of.

Sue Andersen

That's wonderful.

Dana Day

Yeah, it was amazing. It was.

Sue Andersen

Yeah, such a great story. I just love it. I just love it.

Dana Day (37:07.699)

I need to I mean the email…

Sue Andersen

That's so funny.

Dana Day

I'm almost lost it all by not clicking an email.

Sue Andersen

Exactly. So how if people wanted to get in touch with you? What's the best way for them to do that?

Dana Day

 My email is DanaTheBuilder at gmail.com. With my podcast, have DanaDayTulsa at gmail.com. But you can look up Dana Day Tulsa, Oklahoma, and you'll find me.

Sue Andersen (37:36.609)

Okay.  That's great. Well, thank you so much, Dana, for for being on the podcast with me. And everyone, we will see you in the next episode. Thanks for listening.

Dana Day

Thank you.