The Strength of Love: Healing After Trauma and Loss

Summary

In this episode of Growth from Grief, Jenny Brandemuehl, the author of Forever Fly Free:  One Woman's Story of Resilience and the Power of Hope and Love shares her profound journey of love, trauma, and resilience following her husband's devastating plane crash. She discusses the power of community, the importance of vulnerability, and how to navigate the complexities of caregiving during traumatic times. Jenny emphasizes the significance of hope, routine, and self-compassion in the healing process, while also exploring how to rediscover purpose and embrace life after loss. Her story serves as an inspiring reminder of the strength of love and the human spirit in the face of adversity.

Takeaways

• The power of community can provide immense support during difficult times.
• Hope is not just expectation but a belief in possibilities.
• Rediscovering purpose can lead to healing after loss.
• Self-compassion is essential for emotional well-being.
• Love can have a ripple effect, inspiring others.

Jenny's book is available on November 4th, 2025

Thank you for listening!   Visit www.sueandersenyoga.com for Yoga for Grief classes and additional resources.

Transcript

Susan Andersen (00:00.054) In today's episode of Growth from Grief, I speak with Jenny Brandemuehl. Jenny is the author of Forever Fly Free. It's her story of love, trauma, and resilience. 

When her husband survived a fiery plane crash with burns over 80 % of his body, Jenny became his caregiver and medical advocate. This is her story of resilience, of love, of the energy of love, of the healing power of community. It's also the story of rebuilding your life, rebuilding your identity after loss and having the courage to dream again. Jenny and I have a heartfelt conversation and she has some really good advice for those who are experiencing loss, whether it's from a tragic event or some other form of loss. How to keep hope how to anchor yourself in purpose and finding joy in the midst of pain.

Without further ado, let's move to my conversation with Jenny. 

Hi everyone, welcome to this episode of Growth from Grief. So pleased to have with me the author Jenny Brandemuehl, who wrote the book Forever Fly Free. And it's her story of love, trauma and resilience. Welcome Jenny.

Jenny Brandemuehl: Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here,

Susan Andersen: Jenny, you when I finished this book, I came away with this just strong sense of love. You know, that's what kind of, that's what filled me after reading this book. And I'm wondering if you can talk about your relationship with your husband, Mark, and then a little bit about your, you know, this time with his accident, the plane crash, kind of the love that you felt from even perfect strangers during that time.

Jenny Brandemuehl: Yeah. you know, Mark, Mark was my soulmate. He was the love of my life. We had been married 30 plus years. We met in the first job out of college and it was a wonderful relation. I mean, you know, we had our ups and downs like any married couple, right? The first 10 years learning to fight and have conflict. Yeah, but I think we settled into just a very easy relationship. I think.

One of the things that was a hallmark of our marriage and relationship was a real love of life. Really living life to the fullest and doing everything we wanted to do, right? We didn't hold back. We both lost parents on the early side. So I was 23 when my father died suddenly of a stroke and he was who I was the parent I was closest to. And I remembered walking away from the funeral and thinking to myself, boy, if I don't love and like the life I have right now, I gotta go change it. You know, go get the life you want. 

And so after he died, I broke up with my boyfriend. It was not going well between us. I felt suffocated and I start looking for another job. You know, I was living on Long Island. I wasn't a suburban type person. I grew up in big cities and I start looking for a job in Manhattan. And then I met Mark.

And he said to me, I think you have a different energy. You know, we'd known each other at work, but he didn't really notice me till the day I got back from my bereavement leave. And he proposed after four months of dating. I didn't trust my intuition at the time. I made him wait five months to say yes. And so, you know, that's one the things I want to talk about later is learning to trust your inner knowing and intuition because after he died I said I'm not going to make the same mistake again when I thinking about dating again.

Susan Andersen (04:32.404) Sure. 

Jenny Brandemuehl: But back to your question about our relationship, it was really special in that way. I think we really love life. We love the outdoors. We're both skiers and we discovered a lot together, you know, in terms of career and life and family and we were about to retire when this accident happened. 

And so I think because we had this foundation of deep love for each other and a real bond, I think that really influenced my experience after his accident and spending five months at the Arizona Burn Center. You know, for listeners who haven't read the book, it's coming out November 4th, he suffered third degree burns on 80 % of his body and was in a medically induced coma, but had the presence of mind to call me to tell me he loved me in ER before they put him under.

Susan Andersen: Which is amazing. I had goosebumps when I read that.

Jenny Brandemuehl: Yeah, I'm amazed myself to this day that he was able to call me. And during that time, I really discovered that the power of hope and love can carry us through so much.

Jenny Brandemuehl: (05:55.434) And, you know, one of the things, stories I tell in the book is that there was a young nurse in her twenties who was so inspired by the love she saw between Mark and I that she told me she decided to raise the bar for who she would want to date. And the beautiful part of this story was after Mark died, she got in touch and let me know that she had started dating a nurse who took care of Mark the day he died.

Susan Andersen: Wow.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  They were now engaged. she said, and so there there's sort of an interesting cycle there of, you know, here Mark died and we loved each other and through death came birth of a new love between two other people that and so I actually now believe that love is an energy not just an emotion and that it can have a ripple effect. 

And the same thing happened with the nurses the nurses and I they became my second family.  The amount of love and support I felt from them. And I think it was a two-way street. I really took the time to care about them as people, like what were their hopes and dreams in life and vice versa, right? So I think the relationship with the nurses were important.

Jenny Brandemuehl: (07:19.218) The other thing I wanted to mention was, because I was away from home, you know, I live in Northern California and this accident happened in Phoenix. I didn't really have much of a local community. We had some, a few family friends, but not many. And so I felt compelled to provide medical updates on one of those online caregiver communities. And what started out as merely posting medical updates became me pouring my heart out in terms of everything Mark and I were going through. The good, the bad, and the ugly, and all the emotions that I was feeling.

And by the way, Sue, I was a very private person before this. My dad grew up in a military family. I came from a role model. He was my role model, which was he was very physically affectionate, but he was also very stoic and strong. And that's the model I grew up with. And I was a leader in all my jobs. And so I'd be calm and in control on the outside, but very intense on the inside. Right. 

And so it surprised me that I start pouring my heart out in these posts and what I discovered and learned through that was tremendous. When you can be vulnerable with other people, you allow them in. You allow them in so that they can love and support you. I was just overwhelmed by how much support I received and that it created almost a virtual circle of love because then their community started talking about really deep topics. 

Mark went to Stanford Business School and his community of classmates used to just be online among themselves asking questions like, I have a startup in Boston. Does anybody know great interim CFO? Those were the kinds of things they talked about. And they told me they start engaging on medical crises that some of them had been through, loved ones who had died, the meaning of life, and just a whole other perspective. And I think it all started with what happened to Mark and I, and that I was open about sharing everything I was going through.

Susan Andersen (09:27.084) Yeah, that's very inspiring. I think I was going to ask you specifically about that because of your leadership roles. And I think sometimes as women, we are used to being like the person in charge. And you don't really ask for help, I mean, until you're like, you have to, have to, have to, because you're just used to doing. You're used to doing. And I think that showing that vulnerability, like you say, just allowed everyone else to share as well. It gave them permission. Gave them permission.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  That's right. I was also an oldest kid, as was Mark. So on top of that being a woman, it's like big sister, right? Like, I take care of everybody else, but I don't know how to ask for help. It truly was a humbling moment when this all happened to learn to ask for help. Yeah.

Susan Andersen: I know you also talk about in the book these different strangers that just came into your lives. Other folks that were treated by the burn center. The gentleman who pulled Mark out of the burning plane like all these people just came into your life and not just once. Like it wasn't just, hi, I'm so and so, and you never saw them again. They kind of were there. They were present.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (11:04.782) Yeah, it was really interesting. You know, Thomas Honeycutt, who would go on to be awarded a Carnegie hero award, which they only give to four people a quarter in this country for risking their own life and saving others. I called that love in action, what he did. And he wanted to stay in touch and to be a part of our family from there on out, because it changed him. It transformed him and his partner. And, uh, and we are, you know, close even now.

And so I think there were all these people who stepped in at the right time and one of the amazing things that I talk about in the book is that when he went running out there to try to rescue Mark in his burning plane, he said to himself, he told me later, if the pilot seatbelt is still on him, I won't be able to pull him out. And he said, the minute he got to the cockpit window, Mark's seatbelt melted off his body right in that moment. 

The other thing was there were another, there was another witness, eyewitness who was standing there, who got there before him. And she was so distressed. She told me later, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. So I just start praying for the pilot, your husband. And we pieced it together and realized she prayed for him. The minute Thomas got up there and the seatbelt came off of him.

And Thomas said to me, and I didn't even mention this in the book, he said, I had no reason to be on that road that day. I'm a phone tower technician. I'm usually all over Phoenix fixing cell towers. And I just happened to be on the road that day after lunch on a Tuesday with my partner because we were going to our first couple's counseling appointment. And so, wow, right?

Susan Andersen: And so that's an example of what you had described about people showing up at the right time.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (13:02.35) And then I read about Bella, a woman, a young girl named Bella McCune. She was 11 years old when she was in an accidental fire at home and had 60 % of her body third degree burned and was in the burn center for 10 months, went through over 100 surgeries and a tough little cookie, you know? I mean, she was so inspiring and her family and her friends said it also spoke very highly of the head of the burn center who had this just really special relationship with Bella. 

And there were all these articles and interviews where, and we said, she's so inspiring. And I thought to myself, she's an intrepid little soul. If this 11 year old can survive and thrive again, then surely Mark has a chance because he's a fighter, right? And he loves life and he has so much reason to live. And then what do you know? One day I'm at the burn center and little Bella shows up with her mom. 

She's now a year out of the burn center, hopping and skipping and, you know, saying to her mom, her mom's asking her, what do you, what, well, you're going back to school for the first time. What kind of extracurriculars do you want to do? And Bella says, I want to play flag football. She's jumping on one foot, hopping, running down the hall. It was just amazing to meet her. 

Susan Andersen: Yeah. Right. 

Jenny Brandemuehl: And again, another truly inspirational, person, burn survivor that gave me hope, you know. And I think that's the other powerful force I discovered is the power of hope that you know.   The doctors modeled that when Mark was having had a near-fatal fungal infection.  They say call everybody in call the whole family and he might not make it through the weekend.  We don't know. And they said there are three scenarios: either he takes a turn for the better which we hope for, the second is it spreads to his internal organs and he dies immediately, or the infections on his arms it spreads and we have to amputate his arms.

But they never said never and they never said always. The entire five months I was at the Burn Center with Mark. And I look back now and I think of the miracle of how Mark was rescued. He would have died otherwise out there. The way the doctors talked about everything. And so today when I think about what I define as hope, it is not expectation but a belief in possibilities.

Susan Andersen (15:30.158) Yeah, I love that definition. Yeah.
Going back to that time that this was a traumatic experience, obviously traumatic for Mark, but traumatic for you as well. And you're navigating this new normal while you're having to navigate all the normal things that happen in our everyday life. For example, you mentioned about you were both planning on retiring, I think it was like the next year, and you were going to buy a retirement place.

And so there was so much navigation that you had to do on your own just with these sort of, again, just everyday normal things. How did that work out for you? mean, how did you work that out? I guess that's a better way to put it. Yeah.

Jenny Brandemuehl: Do you mean when I was at the burn center with Mark? Yeah, during that time when he was disabled pretty much. It was hard. It was hard because I lost the partner that I talked to all the time. You know, I realized with him in the coma, I'd never gone more than a week without having a conversation with him on the phone or in person. And so that was a hard time. 

There were some things I just had to put on hold. I took a leave from work and I rented an Airbnb in Phoenix so I could be by his side every day in ICU. You know, I consulted friends. I did have some really good friends and family I could talk to. For example, I had to pull the plug on the house we were in escrow for. And it was that brief moment of panic about what do I do? Because now it forces me to face the reality of is he going to make it or not? Right.

AndI had wise counsel from a good friend who said, know what, Jenny, let it go because you can always find another house, right? You can always find another house and there's just too much uncertainty right now. Um, and I, I did try to establish a routine for myself. I was always aware that you gotta put your oxygen mask before you try to help others. I know so many caregivers just feel guilty about what their loved ones are suffering through and they don't take care of themselves and neglect themselves.

Jenny Brandemuehl: (17:49.54) It just so happened with burn survivors, they spend every morning two to three hours doing a massive dressing change because they have to stay sterile or they're susceptible to infection. And so I couldn't get into the ICU until noontime every day. And so every morning I had a, I had a routine where I could go work out at the local gym in my complex drink, you know, eat a good breakfast. Cause I knew I'd have a long day. 

And I always did some meditation or had some quiet time and journaling. And I paid bills and I did all those things, you know, the day-to-day stuff that had to get done. But at least I didn't have the job to go to because I did take a leave during that time. That was helpful.

Susan Andersen: Yeah, I bet. And sometimes even just those paying the bills and just those normal activities help you feel a little bit normal in this time that is not normal, you know, or is the new normal, I guess.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  Yeah, yeah, I think having a routine and you know one thing I did later in that time and also after Mark died that helped me is Nancy Rines wrote a book called I forget what was called but anyway, she died and came back she was in a car accident bicycling in Boulder and she had a great set of journaling prompts that I started to use back to the point of sometimes you need a little structure, right? 

And so the journaling prompts were: what are three things that I feel grateful for today and it could be really simple, right? I got a good night's sleep. In grief, it could be, I got up this morning. You know, it could be that simple. Second is what went well today and not the big things. Again, you know, it could be, I drove to the burn center and there was no traffic today. That's a good day, right? That went well. A third was how did I make a difference today? Small things, you know, someone was having a really bad day. receptionist was having a bad day and it got a smile out of him, know, craft a joke.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (19:53.816) And the fourth question is, what can I do better? You know, I obviously didn't answer that question when I was at the burn center, but I think the gratitude question was important because it helps you focus on what you have control over and what went well too. Not again, when you realize that it can be as small as I got up this morning and got out of bed.

Susan Andersen: Right. Yeah. And, and, you know, you talked about love as an energy, right. And I think surrounding yourself with people that have that positive energy is also really important for your own healing. I I know it was important for Mark and you talk about playing his favorite music and of your son's visits and, you know, different relatives or friends were able to come in and just have that conversation with him while he was in the coma.  But I think having positive energy around you is so important because it's so easy to get dragged down.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (21:08.622) Yeah.. Yeah, I totally, I completely agree. That's such a great point. So I felt that it was really important to be around inspiring people or at least people who could be positive. Right. And I think one of things I've talked about is even when in even thinking about creating your own resilience before a crisis hits, one of the things you can do is to be around positive energy and inspiring energy and to have some boundaries around.

You know, you can really love someone like a family member or a friend, but if they're draining your energy, it's okay to have some boundaries to not spend as much time with them. There are ways to love people and care about them without having it, you know, come at your own expense. And I think investing in relationships and friendships is really important. I feel like Americans have gotten so socially isolated post COVID technology. I mean, all the things you read about in the media and what you see in our own lives, right?

I know I don't see as many friends as I used to before COVID. And yet at the same time, you can't walk this journey alone. Either what I went through during the burn center and also in grief after I lost Mark, that we are built to need people and to need human connection.

And so a good story related to that was, and I didn't even make it in the book, you how do you contain your whole life in a book, right? But when I got done with the Byrne Center, had a dear friend I was talking to and I said, you know, I am so grateful that I had so many of my friends and family show up for me because I've known people who didn't experience that, especially in my spouse and partner grief support group.   And she said to me, you know, Jenny, you were a good friend first. I was so struck by that because one of the nurses at the burn center had also told me, you know, you have great support. I said, I do, don't other people. And she said, no, we had a guy, a patient here a year ago. Nobody showed up to visit him. Wow. No family.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (23:22.886) No friends and I was floored. But to the point I'm making, And it doesn't have to be hard. It doesn't have to be something you think that much about. It's just calling a friend to go for a walk on the weekend, calling a friend to have coffee and just having a rhythm where you don't neglect those relationships.

Susan Andersen: Right. The other thing I think that seems like it was really important for you during this time that Mark was in the burn center was you talked about the normal routine that you had.

Susan Andersen: (24:08.288) Emotionally, you know, being able to release some of this emotion because I imagine that there was so much swirling through your head, you know, there was anticipatory, you know, maybe anticipatory grief or, you know, just a lot of worrying and the exercise and the writing helped.

It seems like those were incredibly helpful to you besides having your friendships and people to talk to, but it seems like that was really a key part of keeping you going.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You know, I had been a journaler when I was younger and then I just got busy with life, children working full time and I just hadn't gotten back to it. But you know what, when this all went down, that's when I start journaling every day again. And you know, my metaphor analogy is that what felt really good about journaling was every fresh page every day was a new day. Right. I could leave behind what happened tomorrow and just focus on the now.

And so one of the things I did learn at the Burn Center and it carries me forward even today is I really focus on living in the moment now. I don't, know, as Eckhart Tolle says, don't dwell on the past. Don't overthink the future. I used to be someone who overthought the future. I was very type A. I mean, you can ask my friends and...

And I understood the concept of focusing in the now, but I didn't experientially really understand that until I was put in a situation where it'd be crazy. You drive yourself crazy if all you thought about was what might happen tomorrow. And the journaling was a big part of that. I could just focus and take each day for what was happening now. And it helped me a lot. I mean, my journal, my little journal book was my constant companion every day.

Susan Andersen (26:07.054) Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can understand that. and certainly, you know, people like Thich Nhat Hanh talking about the breath and staying focused in the present moment. It sounds very simple. It does it does take practice. But once you do that, you are able to be anchored and even if it's for a moment or two, to get out of that past future kind of thing and just allow yourself the present, the possibility of just that relaxation and that calmness.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  Yeah, I had to learn to meditate. I tell this story in the book. I didn't really learn to fully do it until Mark died. And I had read this Oprah article about, well, try starting with one minute in January and every successive month at another minute so that by December you're meditating 12 minutes a day because I had a monkey mind and I had tried meditating before and really struggled with it. 

And I thought, well, maybe I should do guided meditation, but I really should try to do this myself and it was during that grief time and honestly because it was COVID, I couldn't run away. I couldn't distract myself and I remembered one snowy day up in Lake Tahoe since I'm a skier. It was snowing. It was so beautiful out and it was the day I decided I was going to try to meditate and it was a really magical experience. I learned to do some breath work but honestly Sue, I didn't actually learn the value of breathing until more recently because you know there were really four stages to my grief journey and they weren't linear they overlapped you know two steps forward one step back.  The first was of course, shock rightm the first year was just utter complete shock when you lose a loved one to a traumatic injury. He wasn't sick there was no notice, he was healthy and then he died and and so that's that.

Jenny Brandemuehl:   (28:10.614) There's nothing, you just gotta get through that time, right? And then it became, who am I without Mark? You know, a dear friend of mine, Dr. Connie Mariano, she's the White House doctor, she lost her husband the same year I did. And she said. To an aviation disaster as well. Like two weeks after Mark had his accident; we met much later, like last year. And she says, how do you go from we to me? Who am I without my partner of 30 years? Right. And so I spent time figuring that out. And then after that, I realized I actually had a lot of personal growth to do. It triggered a lot of growth, you know, because my dad was my role model. And I realized that my mother was more emotionally unstable.

Jenny Brandemuehl:   (28:56.516) And so there were times when I think I rejected her. I look back now and I followed the male model. And so I had to heal through coming back into a better balance of what I would call the masculine and feminine energies. And to then begin to trust my intuition, right, as opposed to all that left brain, rational decision-making, you know, which I had been trained to do and reinforced for in all my jobs and corporate jobs, right.

And so anyway, but going through all of that, think the breath work came later because then I discovered my nervous system was stuck in fight or flight. And I though I thought I had emotionally healed from everything and this is one of things I've started to talk about to create awareness is that I had had migraines and vertigo for a long time episodically and they started to get worse and more frequent.  And what I realized is that all in spite of all the emotional work I'd done I had become disconnected from my body and my body had become habituated in this way of just you know, maybe sort of ignoring that I had anxiety and fears, sure, in in being strong, right. But the body keeps score. And I realized that breath work was one of the most effective ways for me to get my my nervous system to calm down. Get back into a place of rest, right? And relaxation.

Susan Andersen (30:30.188)
Yes, yes. Yeah, it's so important. It's, I think, kind of, like you say, you don't realize it. It's not something that you focus on because we're breathing every day. But the, you know, it's so helpful to have that kind of breathing practice for anxiety and worry and just, you know, calming the body and just understanding the grief living in the body too, and not realizing that. So for you with the worse migraines and vertigo, you know, that's sort of where that pain was going. had that energy, that energy. had nowhere else to go. It couldn't come out of the body in a healthier way. And that's how it manifested for you.  Right?

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (31:21.32) Exactly. I've learned, you know, people have different ways that that manifests, you know, all sorts of chronic pain conditions, right? And I read Nicole Sachs, mind your body that helped me a lot to do more journaling. But journaling to excavate what are all the negative emotions since childhood that you've repressed unconsciously. Right. And for me, it was very much about being strong, you know, because again, my dad being the role model and realize that yeah, I was strong during that time at the burn center.

 
Jenny Brandemuehl:  (31:51.184) Yeah, I did become more vulnerable. That was my first step to venturing into allowing the emotions to flow. So one of the things I've always said to anyone going through grief is to just go through, allow yourself the space to just feel the full cycle of emotions, the good, the bad, and the ugly without judgment. Without judgment.

Susan Andersen: Right, without judgment and with a community of people that understand. Yes. And you found that with your group, which is so important because after a while, you know, everybody else that we meet, they're like either they don't want to say anything, they're afraid, they didn't ask you, how are you? You don't want to say, you know, this is how I'm really feeling. You just say, okay. And, and you know, nothing happens, nothing goes any further. So you need that community.

Jenny Brandemuehl: Absolutely. And I also think people who have not been through what you've been through, they're also scared, especially loss. They're scared that they're going to say something wrong and make you sadder, or they think they have to fix you. And then that's just so offensive, you know, to somebody who's gone through grief, because it's not fixable. And so what I always say is just be witness to their sadness. It's okay to say nothing and to just be there with them, you know, keep them company.

And when you and I had a lot of people say well what not a lot of people but some people will ask and I certainly was guilty of this before Mark died is You know, let me know how I can help. Well, we don't know we don't know what we need help with and so When I have friends who've gone through tough times is I'll be specific. I think it's being specific Hey, do you want to go for a walk on Saturday morning? And but but no pressure if you don't feel like it no problem, but hey, let's do this, know and suggest things that are very tangible.

Susan Andersen (33:47.034) Yes, I think that's really important as different ways of supporting somebody who's grieving. I wanted to go back to a couple of things that you mentioned before. One is talk about how you found purpose. A little bit about after Mark died and here you are in this you know, that first year of shock after his loss and all that you had gone through together for that five months. Talk about how you kind of came back into finding some more purpose.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  You know, between jobs 10 years ago, I wrote a novel. And I knew, you know, when I was eight years old, my dream was to be a writer or an archaeologist. And I didn't either. I did what was practical, I think. And I had a dream 10 years ago I wanted to be a writer again. You know, at some point, didn't know how it was gonna happen, but I was between jobs and I drafted something. And so I knew in retirement, I wanted to come back to that novel to work on it. Well, so what was interesting was after Mark died, you know, the first year I just had to give myself space.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (35:08.622)
I mean, what was I going to do? I had no idea. I was just living with my life at that point. And when he died, I had a number of friends say, you know, your posts on the online community were so inspiring, Jenny. You must write a book. You must write a book someday to help people. Because even for those who aren't going to go through something quite so tragic, they would look at you and say, boy, if she could thrive and get through this, all the more could I not find a way to navigate my own journey, right? 

And so I knew it was kind of out there that I wanted to do that. And I put no pressure on myself and waited until I felt like I was ready, where I felt ready and where I had something to say. And I would say that was about  two years after Mark died. And I originally got back into the novel and start working on that. But then when I felt the call to write the book, the memoir,I put that on the back burner and started writing and it just flowed out of me. Like in a year, I wrote the whole book and I had a writing coach. 

And it's interesting how sometimes, and I have now found that life unfolds in ways that you don't always expect and being open is key because people will show up in your life and things will happen if you are clear about being aligned to who you truly are. And I found my true self, I think, in my personal growth process after Mark died, right? Because my partner is gone. Who am I? Right. And so it was not, it didn't take long to get find an agent and a publisher who I just really synced with.

And so I think writing the book really gave me a sense of purpose in terms of sharing my story. You know, and I really wanted to inspire through the story. know, everybody is has a unique path to go, you know, with their their grief and their loss.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (37:13.35)
And so it's not meant to be prescriptive, but just to be inspiring in terms of at least here's one story of someone who found a way out of the grief eventually and thrived again and could move forward at some point.

Susan Andersen: Right, right. And you you talk about living fully, you know, honoring, honoring Mark. And talk about just talk a little bit about that, you know, this this sort of courage to dream again, right? What are you going to do with your life?

Jenny Brandemuehl: Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, we were avid skier. He was a double black diamond skier. was I just barely kept up with him. We loved international travel. We loved cooking. We loved entertaining. We loved people. We had parties at our place all the time. We just enjoyed life and he enjoyed life. You know, he flew planes. He drove cars and motorcycles and we loved live music. Music was a big part of our life.

After he died, you know, that was the part of me getting to know myself again. You know, and I realized, I said, you know, I always love music even before I met him. I was the one who introduced him to Italy. We were total Italophiles. We loved going to Italy, went there six times together. And he was reluctant and then he fell in love with Italy and all he ever wanted to do was to go to Italy. He taught me to, you know, to ski. And I found out I still love skiing.  I love it. 

And so there was a whole period of time where I had to rediscover and find out who, what I enjoyed in life and to find and to really find the joy in life again, you know, and I think you probably heard this from other people have been through grief is that you after you've been through loss, you come to have a much deeper appreciation of the small things in life.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (39:11.178) Yes. And, and that I never understood until Mark died how sadness, sorrow and beauty and love could coexist all in the same moment. Like it seems like a paradox. Right. And, that's what I've discovered, you know, and that all that love of life that we had,  has continued for me differently. I have a new partner. He's a different personality completely from Mark. And that's great because I don't compare the two of them. But what he and I do share is a great love of life as well. And you know, my therapist said to me, the people who struggle the most with grief when they've lost a loved one is when they have regrets.

Jenny Brandemuehl: (40:05.518) I thought that was really interesting. don't have it. I have no regrets. Mark and I have no regrets. And so I've had family and friends say that the legacy Mark has led left them is to fully embrace life. My cousin's wife said to me, you know, there are times when I just hate my job. And I think about Mark and the way he lived his life and the legacy to me is that I need to find things that I really enjoy doing if I don't like what I'm doing today.

Susan Andersen: Right, right, right. That's great.

Jenny Brandemuehl: Yeah, and the funny thing I just had to mention, this is such a great story. When Mark came out of his coma, he did come out for two weeks. So that was where at least I got to say, love you, sweetie. And, you know, I'm so glad you made it. The three sentences he said coming out of the coma, the first was, I want to mix and mingle. In other words, I want to go to a party. The second was, I want to go on an adventure, aka get me the heck out of this hospital. And then the third was, I want a martini.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (41:11.152) And the doctor said, yeah, as soon as he comes off his respiratory machine, we're going to get him a martini. What kind of martini guy is he, Jenny? Is he a gin drinker or a vodka drinker? I said, gin, Bombay Sapphire up with a twist. he says, Mark's a gentleman. We'll make sure we get that drink for him. that's who he was. And that's kind of...

Susan Andersen: I remember that from the book.

Jenny Brandemuehl:  (41:40.706) That was our life together, you know? So we celebrate his life and every 4th of July, which is his birthday, one of my boys will always bake a pie because Mark was a big pie. He loved making pies. He was the only man I knew that would have an argument with his mom or a debate with his mom about pie recipes and ingredients and how to make it, how to bake it.

Susan Andersen: (42:04.814) Oh, that's funny. Jenny, is there anything that you would like to leave for our listeners? Any other words of wisdom?

Jenny Brandemuehl:  Yeah, I I think I've said a lot that I would really offer as wisdom and advice. And I think the final thing is to be kind to yourself. You know, I think as women, like you said, we're just always in the thick of doing things for other people and getting life organized. And I do think that it's well worth the time to kind of step back from your life on a regular basis to just have compassion for yourself.

And I think women judge themselves a lot. I certainly did. And I think to just let up the gas on that and to be kind to yourself. I know one thing people say often is, would you treat your friend the way you treat yourself? Right.

Susan Andersen: Right.

Jenny Brandemuehl: And I think a lot of times us women say, well, no, yeah, I'm a lot nicer to my friends than I am to myself. I think we're our worst critic. And I do think it's unique to women. We're just hard on ourselves. And so I think self-compassion, learning self-compassion is so important through good times and bad.

Susan Andersen: (43:35.726) Yeah. Right, right. Well, thank you, Jenny, so much. I really enjoyed our conversation and I wish you well.

Jenny Brandemuehl: Thank you, Sue. Thank you so much for having me on the podcast today.

Susan Andersen: Welcome and listeners, we'll see you in the next episode.