Gratitude and Grieving

Summary

In this conversation, Susan Andersen explores the intricate relationship between gratitude and pain, emphasizing that while gratitude can serve as a bridge to hope, it is often misinterpreted in our culture as a remedy for grief. She highlights the importance of acknowledging pain and sorrow without the pressure to feel grateful, as this can invalidate genuine emotions.

Takeaways

• It's hard to be grateful when you're in so much pain.
• Tiny, small pieces of gratitude can become a bridge back to hope.
• Our culture sometimes treats gratitude as an antidote to pain.
• Living alongside pain is essential rather than trying to fix it with gratitude.
• Cultural pressures can distort our understanding of gratitude.

Thank you for listening! Visit www.sueandersenyoga.com for Yoga for Grief classes and additional resources.

Transcript

Susan Andersen (00:03.383)
Hello, I'm Sue Andersen, grief guide and yoga teacher dedicated to helping individuals navigate the challenging journey of loss. Welcome to Growth from Grief, where I aim to offer strategies to transition from the depths of grief to the path of healing. Whatever loss you are grappling with, here you'll discover support to ease both the physical and emotional burdens of grief. Together, let's embark on a journey towards strength, peace, and healing. I'm so glad you are here.

Susan Andersen (00:56.206)
Hi, welcome to this episode of Growth from Grief. I'm your host Sue Andersen. Thank you to my returning listeners. I appreciate that you have come back, that you've downloaded episodes. And for those of you who are new, welcome. I hope you find that the messages here, especially from my guests, are helpful to you in your grief journey.

And if you're looking for other resources to help you as you move through grief, check out my website, sueandersenyoga.com and you'll find some different material for downloading and classes and other material. Today's episode is about gratitude and grieving.

And we're here in this season of gratitude as we come in this month of November into Thanksgiving. And you know, there's a tension there for people that are grieving a loss. And I want to say it doesn't matter what your loss is, right? It could be loss of a person, pet, job, home, something else, your health. 

You know, sometimes it's difficult to be grateful for something, especially, you know, thinking about what we've lost and what remains here. It can be difficult. Sometimes that gratitude can feel forced or unreachable. You know, it's hard to be grateful when you're just in so much pain, have so much emotion and sorrow, but very tiny, small, little pieces of gratitude can often become a quiet bridge back to hope and to meaning.

Susan Andersen (03:19.767)
You know, our culture sometimes treats gratitude as an antidote to pain, something to fix sadness rather than living alongside it. I'm sure you've heard the phrase be grateful for what you have or be grateful that they're no longer suffering or be grateful that you have your family here. Be grateful that you found another place to stay so quickly. You know, these sorts of things are certainly unhelpful. But they also invalidate grief. They invalidate what you're feeling, like, almost like you're supposed to get over it. And, you know, why are you still sad about what happened about your loss?

So they're not, you know, those kinds of things are not going to make you feel better. They're not even gonna make you want to be grateful for anything. So it's not really a demand, which is what, you know, others might be saying to you or have said to you. It's not about denying pain, but it's...it's really about small moments of joy, small moments of beauty, just small moments of light that can come into your heart during this time of grief.

Susan Andersen (05:09.714)
One of the things that I am so grateful for is something that happened to me early on in my grief after my son died. And I was having lunch with these two women who I didn't know very well, but we got along quite well. I was working as a volunteer for the organization that they worked for. And one day we went to lunch and they started talking about their children and their children were younger than Ian. So, you know, I would contribute to the conversation by just saying, when Ian was little, he did that same thing or, you know, talking about Ian. I mean, we were just laughing and it was so natural.

So natural until, know, sort of in my mind, I was like, what? How can I be laughing? You know, my son isn't here and, know, I can't believe that I'm having these conversations. But I have to tell you that it was wonderful that I was accepted, right? So grateful to these two women who didn't treat me differently.

You know, they didn't try to make me feel better. They weren't trying to erase how I felt. You know, they weren't trying to erase the sorrow. But boy, did they soften how I felt. They allowed me to talk in a regular conversation about my son and you know, talking about him when he was younger and the funny things that he did, comparing it to what their kids did or were doing. And I'm still so grateful for that time, for that opportunity, for those bits of joy. It was just absolutely wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

Susan Andersen (07:37.472)
And I think that gratitude can be an expression of love. In this case for me, it certainly was. I just was so thankful for that experience with them, that lunch with them. And you know, so there are these opportunities that we have that allow us to be in our grief, but also find a moment or two where we can be grateful for something.

I want to have you think about a couple of ways that this could be true. And certainly, again, for me, this was really helpful. And that was to just be grateful for getting up in the morning. I had a nice sleep. Something that was, you know, could be really detrimental during grief, right? If you're not getting enough sleep, it's hard enough as it is. But sleep is so important. And so having that little moment and being thankful for it, being thankful for the ability to sleep. 

Being thankful that I got to sit with my tea in a sunny window. These are just moments that I could write down and be thankful for.

Susan Andersen (09:30.442)
You know, think about gratitude as being you know maybe just a practice of being with what is. So I'm thankful for whatever I'm experiencing, however small it is.

And having these moments of gratitude, I think, just allows us also to be in the present moment. Be in the present moment, grateful that you know, you had to drive somewhere and there wasn't a lot of traffic or grateful that someone held the door for you. It's just a moment that gets you out of your head, gets you out of those emotions of grief, just even for a tiny moment. 

I'd like to offer you a few different ways that you could explore gratitude. And so one way might be just sensing gratitude. Maybe it's the warmth of the sun on your skin. Maybe a comforting scent. It's being out in nature, feeling the wind, or even just a deep breath. Being grateful for having that little experience through your senses.

Susan Andersen (11:37.292)
Another way to explore gratitude might be just by writing one line, one sentence. And instead of saying, I'm grateful for, you could say, today I noticed I'm feeling a little lighter today. Someone held the door open for me. So just little things like that where you maybe each day just write down one or two little things that you noticed and that you are thankful for. But instead of saying I'm grateful for, because sometimes that really feels forced, right? This way it seems a little bit more natural if you're noticing something and you feel grateful for it.

Susan Andersen (12:38.309)
Movement, right? Yoga. Yoga is just, I think, such a wonderful way to express gratitude. The ability to be still, or move or rest. Bringing your hand to heart, massaging your body, noticing what's happening. These kinds of practices have the benefit of making you feel better physically. But also that little opening that little bit of, of joy, or hope that you get from noticing your aliveness.

Susan Andersen (13:57.127)
And then you can also be grateful for experiences that you had with this person that you lost, with the pet -just remembering and honoring those experiences.

And think of these as invitations, not obligations. Don't make it like every day I have to write something in my notebook. When you feel called, jot something down or just notice, a practice of noticing.

And let's face it, some days you are not grateful for anything and it feels impossible. Some days maybe you need to offer yourself a little bit of compassion - Hey, I survived another day. That is a practice of honesty and compassion, self compassion.

Susan Andersen (15:27.913)
I'd like to close this episode by reminding you to be gentle with yourself. Find maybe just one small thing that brings warmth to your day even amid or amidst this heartache this grief.  Think about gratitude as a companion to your healing.

Let's bring our hands over our heart. Take a few soft breaths.

"As you move through this season, may you allow both your grief and your gratitude to exist without needing to choose between them."

During this season, I'd like to remind you that presence, being present itself, can be enough.

Thank you for taking the time to listen and I'll see you in the next episode.