Newest Lows

Episode 6: Deception with a side of beer

• Newest Lows • Episode 6

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Prepare for a deep (and we mean deep) dive into the world of personal hygiene and bathroom etiquette—taboo topics be damned! Shower routines, the great deodorant debate, and those all-important 'shit to shower' timelines; we're exploring the ordinary and the outlandish with humor, curiosity, and maybe a little too much information. So tune in, kick back, and join us for an episode that's as real as it gets, and twice as entertaining.

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Carlos:

You know what time it is, boys, what time is it, it's time to clock in.

Kyle:

Oh, we're clocking in. We're clocking in.

ryan:

I love to hear that noise, Eric.

Kyle:

What's that?

ryan:

What noise Clock in cracking a beer buddy.

Kyle:

It's like the Lil Wayne, like lighter flick.

Carlos:

I used to drink, dude. When I had a fucking dishwashing job at a country club back in Colorado, I would drink all shift, every shift.

Kyle:

What would you drink?

Carlos:

I would make like just mixed drinks in a big cup. You would just have a big gulp. Yeah well, it was free like soda and shit back there, so I'd just fill up a fucking full cup.

Kyle:

You would just have a bottle or like a personal.

Carlos:

I don't know. It was back before I was 21, so I would get it from wherever I could.

ryan:

I don't remember where I would get it from. You would bring a liquor to work with you. Oh yeah, Nice.

Kyle:

Did you ever have a fake ID? No, Never.

Carlos:

I always had a. You had a plug, not a steady one, though.

Kyle:

Not a steady plug plug for alcohol.

ryan:

No, no, no, I got a fake ID. I don't know. I had a fake ID too.

Kyle:

I don't know how it works for you, and it did not work for me. Well, you look like you're 12 now, so, wait, they caught you using a fake ID yeah, they took it and cut it in half.

Carlos:

Damn for what state was it from?

ryan:

or a liquor like a store at a bar. That's from California, I was supposed to. I was 20, I was 28 you're 20.

Kyle:

Fake ID said you were 28? I was 28, yeah.

Carlos:

Why the fuck would you make it so high?

ryan:

I got it for free.

Carlos:

You go like 22 or 23.

Kyle:

Yeah, I think I was 22 on mine. I was from South Carolina, I was from somewhere in. California, and then one time I used it in a gas station A lady was from South Carolina.

Carlos:

And she was like, oh, you're from this area. I'm like, oh yeah, I know where that is, like just fucking shooting the shit, just getting away with it. No, I, I, I knew I didn't have the balls to like go in and act. Cool enough to be like no, I'm 21.

Kyle:

Yeah, I absolutely did not have the nuts to do it well, that the liquor store I would go to was a student like a college liquor store so it was easy, I would just go in, dude, they had a deal. It was, what was it the?

ryan:

Keystones right.

Kyle:

Yep, no, that was a different one, but it was like you buy Rolling Rock or Natty Light or something, some really cheap beer, you get two for one, essentially, so you get two racks for like 18 bucks. Damn. It's pretty solid Rolling.

Carlos:

Rock is fucking man. My fucking grandma used to drink Rolling Rock all the time.

Kyle:

Honestly, it's pretty gross. It tastes like licorice, it's just fucking like weird water. Yeah, yeah.

Carlos:

It's like three percent. Do you remember when back in Colorado grocery stores and liquor stores for the longest time, like, say, a Coors Light is like 4.2 or whatever it is the grocery stores couldn't be over like 3%?

ryan:

Why.

Carlos:

So they had to make different alcohol amounts. So they were way less buying it at a store In Colorado, mm-hmm.

ryan:

What the hell? Was it like a malt liquor thing, or was it just?

Carlos:

No, I don't know. It was some like rule or law with if you didn't have your liquor license you couldn't sell full strength anything. I mean that kind of makes sense. But even the beers were less.

ryan:

I thought you didn't have to have a liquor license for beer.

Kyle:

Yeah, because what percentage of beer?

ryan:

Usually around four.

Carlos:

So it was just water? Yeah, you'd have to drink double the amount.

ryan:

These natties are 4.2.

Kyle:

Yeah, that's lame, that's like nothing.

ryan:

Yeah.

Kyle:

Shit, are we live?

ryan:

We are live, we are back boys.

Carlos:

We're going we are back. I'm wearing glasses on this episode. Don't make it a big fucking deal.

Kyle:

He's blocking out the haters.

ryan:

I had glasses on, but they were giving me a headache, so I fucking took them off.

Carlos:

No, I made you take them off. I said don't fucking try to copy my shit again.

ryan:

You made me take them off, you physically took them off.

Carlos:

You don't think I could do that? No, let's ask all the fucking fans what they think. Who do they think is going to win Me? That's what you think? Let's ask the fucking fans.

ryan:

You're. I'm very confident. I'm very confident I'll fuck you up, motherfucker. I got nuts of steel buddy. What does that mean?

Kyle:

What I said. You think he's just going to put you in the nuts or something.

ryan:

I'm just telling you that buddy, He'll just hold you down. He's done it a couple times.

Kyle:

I can't fucking believe him. Talk about that on your own time, bud.

ryan:

You're crazy.

Kyle:

You guys are a lot closer than I thought.

Erick:

Me and Ryan Mm-hmm.

Carlos:

Yeah, we're white. You're kind of the odd man out. So you relate because you're white On a fucking.

Kyle:

Are you saying you and Ryan are the same? No, we're white. No, no, no. That's what it sounded like.

ryan:

Apparently we're both white, but I'm lower tier white.

Kyle:

Yeah, what did you say to Ryan that?

Carlos:

one time.

Kyle:

That he was lower tier white.

Carlos:

Yeah.

ryan:

I'm lower tier, trailer park white, I guess.

Kyle:

Do you agree?

ryan:

No, what kind of white do you think? You are Not white to where I belong in, like a community where there's like $10 million houses in there, but I'm white.

Kyle:

You're like a fucking middle class kind of white.

ryan:

No, no, no, no, no Lower middle class. So you would say you're a no lower poverty.

Erick:

So take a step above upper poverty.

ryan:

That's what I mean.

Kyle:

Wait, lower middle class.

ryan:

Is that what it is? Lower middle class. I'm at poverty, but I'm a little bit more than poverty. That's a good way to put it.

Kyle:

Yeah, a lower tier. Lower tier, white, lower tier. Fuck you A lower tier.

Carlos:

That's exactly. Do you know what I feel like, what I belong in the neighborhood with $10 million houses?

Kyle:

Yeah, but you're cleaning the fucking curbs on them.

Carlos:

I've been there, bro. Every time we go to Naples, the starting price for those houses is what like 1.5?.

ryan:

Just about.

Carlos:

I look at those people walking around there and I fucking nod at them. They wave at me. I said they know I belong there.

ryan:

You know what I think about them.

Kyle:

They don't fuck with me at all, but you're walking around in a neon green shirt, bud, you're doing the fucking Lord's work.

ryan:

I'm higher than all those people. In my opinion, they just have more money than I do.

Carlos:

That's the fucking weird. That's the fucking weird. What are you talking about? You're higher because you fucking do drugs, maybe.

ryan:

Hey, hey, hey, whoa. What does that mean? What does that mean?

Carlos:

Exactly what he said. I think what the fuck do you mean? You're higher than them, Even though they have way more money than you.

ryan:

They just have more money than I do. They're fucking loaded, they're loaded.

Carlos:

But you think you like. Like your life is better than Fuck you Eric. Fuck you Bro the beat. Drop on BBL Drizzy is nasty, it's a fire beat.

ryan:

BBL Drizzy. Is that how you feel? You don't like that.

Carlos:

I do. I love it. It's fucking cool. You see all the Look at this dude Two whites and a Mexican talking about a fucking rat beef. Again, again, dude. None of us can relate. No, this has nothing to do with us, but Kendrick took all the copyright shit off of his music, which is why For reactors and people who, oh he, wants a reaction from it.

Carlos:

Yeah, he took, because every time those reaction channels try to react they have to cut up the song and like, or else they'll get copyright strike right, but kendrick took all that off, so they can all make money off of that vid oh shit huh, and then metro, metro booming there's a lot of allegations made that. Do you see? He made that beat, that. He just made a beat and said Everybody rap over this and the best one Gets a free beat from me.

ryan:

I did not see that. No, you didn't see that. I didn't see that.

Carlos:

No, he told everybody on Twitter To rap over this Dissing Drake All his fans. And people follow him on Twitter and they're like Cause they get a. Whoever wins gets a free beat from Metro, but they're all rapping about how Drake sucks dick and fucks kids and stuff. Oh shit.

Kyle:

It's fucking wild dude.

ryan:

Do you think that you can rap Ryan?

Carlos:

It's hilarious.

ryan:

I can't rap. I have tried. Me and Kyle have had many conversations about this. I cannot rap. You think you can rap?

Carlos:

Kyle no, I've said, I've told you guys before me and my boy, adam Shout out, adam. We used to have a plan. We were like, all right, we're freestyling tonight and we would just get as drunk as possible. And then, as soon as we were drunk, we would start playing a fucking instrumental on YouTube and both trying to freestyle the fucking trying to, you trying to.

ryan:

I'm sure that was awful. Yeah, trying to. Oh yeah, it was fucking crazy Damn.

Carlos:

That would be fucking nuts.

Kyle:

Did you see that there's a city in Texas called Kyle? Texas Shit. I don't doubt it.

Carlos:

Every state should have a fucking city named Kyle.

ryan:

Hey, what do they always say? Everything's bigger in Texas, buddy Shit. I can see it, the fuck are you talking about.

Kyle:

Well, you know what they're trying to do over there.

Carlos:

What.

Kyle:

They're trying to congregate a group of Kyles to break the world record.

ryan:

To take over the world.

Carlos:

I think they did this last year, maybe in a different place, I saw something. I think, they. Maybe there's another. Let's see. At the Kyle Fair there's a Kyle Fair. Let's see At the Kyle Fair, there's a Kyle Fair.

Kyle:

That's fine. Yeah, yeah, they're trying to do it in May 18th.

Carlos:

Yeah, the fifth attempt yeah, it happens to beat the world record.

Kyle:

Well, it's because you haven't shown up, oh, kyle's. I gotta show up there, they need the one more.

ryan:

Shit. I wonder if that's where my family's from in Texas.

Kyle:

Texas.

ryan:

No, they're from Tyler, texas. Oh Tyler. Why are all their fucking. It's good, Tyler Texas.

Kyle:

I go out there Largest sale of Monster Energy drinks in drywall. Do you punch drywall? That's fucking horseshit, bro.

Carlos:

Do you punch drywall Every they Like? Dude Kyle got such a bad rap.

ryan:

Well, Kyle's normally a fucking.

Carlos:

It's like a Chad. That's Kyle right there. That's a Ryan. You're wearing the same pants as that fucking dude.

ryan:

No, I am not. These are my fucking appropriate pants, Kyle.

Kyle:

Yeah, they don't have any holes in them, so I can appreciate that.

ryan:

They're not.

Kyle:

Levi's the.

Carlos:

Chief Keef glow gang era was an insane time you love Chief Keef motherfucker.

Kyle:

That's literally Ryan. I love Chief Keef motherfucker. That's literally Ryan.

Carlos:

That is Ryan. Oh my goodness, oh my.

Kyle:

That is Ryan Yo. Is there any way we can show this?

Carlos:

Yes, bookmark that, and we're putting a screenshot of this up on the fucking video. That's not me, though.

ryan:

Oh my Yo, that is you. All right, all right, all right, look at it.

Kyle:

You Hit me up. Hit me up the cross, the pants, the belt.

ryan:

Yo, that's a you bro. I'm not hating. Would I wear that fit?

Carlos:

Yes, Baby, I drew that. Yo, that looks exactly fucking like you.

ryan:

No, it does not.

Kyle:

Holy fuck, even the like pose. Look at bro. That is you, my guy.

Carlos:

Eric like take screenshots of these. That's a good one. Pin that one, that's a good one. Oh, my fucking.

ryan:

God. He's bow-legged like I am. I'm sorry that I'm fucking bow-legged.

Kyle:

You literally told us how you take pictures.

ryan:

Look at that, the glory boys.

Carlos:

Oh my God, these all just look like that's just a fucking retarded guy he is.

ryan:

Oh, my god, oh my god. Yo, what the fuck are you cooking up over there, buddy?

Kyle:

Yo Ryan, if you could, you would. With a fucking dagger, with a box cutter.

Carlos:

Damn, how did we get here? I don't know. It went from me over to Ryan. Oh my god, you look like all those fucking mid 2000's, just like White boys trying to be hood as fuck dude. And you kept it going. You kept it going all these years. What?

Kyle:

do you?

Carlos:

mean kept, kept this. You're staying strong in the fucking fight keeping it going.

ryan:

It's not kept kept his past. Yeah, you're keeping it going you're keeping the fight going.

Kyle:

You dress like you're a fucking sophomore in high school well, what do you?

ryan:

I'm wearing a pair of blue jeans, some air maxeses, a champion shirt and that's it, and I got my chain out.

Carlos:

I mean, it is what it is, man. Fight the good fight. What is the good fight? White boy's trying to be gangster. Fight that fight. We need more like you, you deserve it.

ryan:

So do you want a white boy that wants to be gangster, or do you want a white boy that's feminine? Are you asking Kyle what he prefers? I'm asking. Kyle I can answer that for you, if you like. No, I'm saying Kyle's a feminine little femme boy. Yeah, he's looking for a little feminine white boy.

Kyle:

I have a beard, yeah, but I mean, do you see the? Drags. The drags.

Carlos:

you could be a drag when I have my long hair.

ryan:

I'm going to disagree. Kyle cannot be a drag.

Erick:

Why not?

ryan:

He's a feminine dude, but he does not look. You don't think he can get down. I mean, if Kyle was a drag like Hamburger Mary's, that's your shit right? You love going there. You love their food.

Carlos:

Wait, what is?

ryan:

Hamburger Mary's. He's never been to Hamburger Mary's. You never heard of Hamburger Mary's, never even heard of that. He's fucking hiding right now. He's hiding behind the mic. What the fuck is Hamburger Mary's.

Kyle:

It's a bar downtown Orlando that hosts drag shows all the time.

ryan:

There used to be one in Daytona over there, off of what is it before A1A?

Carlos:

You're saying I should know this, you should know this, you should know this. Yes.

Kyle:

Why do you know this?

ryan:

Because my mom went there. She took you and my mom told me.

Carlos:

She was like yeah, why is your?

ryan:

mom taking you to drag shows. I didn't go with her motherfucker.

Carlos:

Why is your mom going to drag?

ryan:

shows, I don't know. That's apparently what her and her friends were doing one night and they went out there and there's a bunch of dudes dressed Apparently. They serve a burger with like five patties. That's huge.

Kyle:

A lot of meat on the burger. A lot of meat on the burger.

ryan:

That's pretty good.

Carlos:

apparently I don't fucking know, did they try to fuck? They were trying to get it off.

Kyle:

I don't think that's the point of drag shows Trying to get their pussies wet.

ryan:

They don't have pussies, kyle, your mom does. It says Hamburger Mary's before.

Carlos:

No, dude, I already fucking told you I haven't heard of that. You're crazy. Sounds like a fast food joint.

Kyle:

Yeah, why are you so passionate about Hamburger Mary's?

ryan:

I'm not passionate about it. I just know Kyle's lying straight through his fucking teeth.

Carlos:

I have gotten a lap dance from a drag. I have gotten a lap dance from a drag.

Kyle:

You did get a lap dance from a drag. I think we were all there, thanks to our producer, eric he set it up.

Carlos:

It was a surprise it was, it was for my birthday.

ryan:

He surprised me. Well, we were supposed to have strippers there, but it was not strippers.

Kyle:

It was never going to be strippers.

Carlos:

I'm not going to lie, kyle, it seemed like you enjoyed sharing a birthday party. It was pretty close and he went first, he was in the chair first and that fucking dude walked out in drag. And he got up immediately.

Kyle:

Yeah, he was about that. He was like fuck this.

Carlos:

I sat there, I stayed, I stayed in the fucking den of fire, dude.

Kyle:

Yeah, he kissed you on the cheek. No, he didn't.

Carlos:

He kissed you on the cheek when he was done.

ryan:

He did. No, he didn't.

Kyle:

You kind of like threw your hands up and no it was a picture of Kyle like this yeah, you enjoyed it. Was it not a good time?

Carlos:

I'm a showman.

Kyle:

You're blaming it on that shit.

Carlos:

I have to make it entertaining, dude. It was that, alright, it was funny.

Kyle:

It was a good time. You're a good sport. I would not be able to do that. What would you have done?

ryan:

Get up and walk away.

Kyle:

Would you have tried to throw hands?

ryan:

No, I'd just get up and walk away.

Kyle:

Like walk out or walk away. Just walk away. Why Are you uncomfortable with your sexuality?

ryan:

Not at all.

Kyle:

I just don't want a drag dancing on top of me.

ryan:

If that's respectable, what?

Kyle:

do you mean? I don't know. I think it's fine.

Carlos:

Some people like what they like, man. Some people don't like what they don't like, so that's what you and your wife do on the weekends.

ryan:

You guys go to Hamburger Mary's and you get danced on. No, sir, that's what you made it seem like.

Kyle:

Why would you accuse me of that? Because you said you were fine with it, fine with what?

ryan:

Nothing, nothing at all.

Carlos:

I was listening to the fucking most right-wing radio station this morning, Just like on regular radio. They were like Biden's a fucking idiot. They were talking. What were they talking about? What station was it? It was, I don't fucking know, dude it was just on. They had like a like a dude call in and like impersonate Biden, just like couldn't talk. He just didn't say anything.

Carlos:

I was like you're pretty funny. Like damn, I was like damn. This kind of Ryan would hate this fucking. I know he voted for Biden. Ryan would hate this radio station.

ryan:

I did not vote for Biden. Did you vote? I did.

Carlos:

You voted, I did Wait which one 2020. Oh, I didn't vote 2020.

ryan:

I didn't vote 2016, because I wasn't old enough. See.

Carlos:

I voted 2016 because as soon as it happened, right after I turned 18,.

ryan:

I could vote. Yeah, I turned 18 in 2017. No, I voted in 2020. Did not vote for. Biden. I think you did man. No, you're a little soy boy. Soy boy, cuck, I'm a cuck.

Carlos:

Yeah, you would get cucked for sure I told you about the videos where the fucking it's the cuck video but the dude the husband watching takes the load.

Kyle:

Oh my God, are you serious?

ryan:

Yes, me and Kyle have had many elaborate conversations about this. You got me so fucked up, buddy you guys like watching these together.

Carlos:

They're all staged, obviously, but the fucking she calls up the big dog, big black guy, comes in little nerdy white dude sitting in the corner yanking his shit and then, when the dude's about to finish, little white dude comes in and takes the load.

ryan:

That's fucking weird. No shit, it's really weird. It's really fucking weird. I didn't know about this until Kyle said it.

Erick:

You're a little white dude.

ryan:

Yeah, but I'm not doing that, I'm not doing that, I'm not doing that. No, it's not fucking happening.

Carlos:

Yeah, dude, you can get down a deep dark hole. Pause, whoa.

Kyle:

We were talking.

Carlos:

Me and our coworker. We were. Have you guys seen the gauntlet?

Kyle:

No, I was talking to cars.

Carlos:

I have not seen the gauntlet, so a couple of years ago I saw it on TikTok People like reacting to the gauntlet or whatever and I was like what the fuck is this thing? Apparently, it's like a test. You go on, it's 20 videos and they progressively get worse and worse and worse. They're like fucked up videos. It's like you just see how many you can watch and how many you can get through, and you made it through all 20, didn't you, obviously?

Kyle:

Jesus. Yeah you were telling me a little bit about the videos you were watching and I don't think I could stomach even like Holy fuck.

Carlos:

I had our co-worker. He was like gagging in the I was driving being like dude. Look at this fucking video Because it's one of them. I'll just try and describe one of them.

Kyle:

Hopefully it's not as graphic as the videos are.

ryan:

Well, there's a couple of beheadings in there, those are awesome.

Carlos:

I'm sorry, so you would get through at least top five. The one on there is not awesome. Tell me if you'd get through this. So there's a little Asian lady.

Kyle:

Where's this going?

Carlos:

She's about to give this guy a blowjob.

ryan:

He's uncircumcised, oh no, dude, you have to throw that in there. No dude, no, I do have to throw that in there.

Carlos:

Don't finish this, because look what happens next she pulls it back.

Erick:

What is there? What is this called, so that people no no.

Kyle:

Do not look it up. The gauntlet, the gauntlet. Do not look it up, please.

Erick:

The gulag.

ryan:

The fucking gulag.

Carlos:

The gauntlet. Do not look it up this is like 17 or 18 in the 20, so it's one of the worst ones. She pulls back the foreskin. What's on there?

ryan:

What.

Carlos:

Your favorite thing? Cheese, cheese, yes, good job no dude Covered in fucking dick cheese and do you know what she does? She eats it.

ryan:

You're going to make me throw up. You're going to make me throw up. Why the fuck?

Kyle:

would you watch?

ryan:

that. Cal you always say I'm too vulgar. But you are fucked, buddy, it's normal to him You're fucked. I'm a scientist.

Carlos:

You're not a scientist, I'm a scientist. You're not a fucking scientist. I'm running studies on the fucking. You're a connoisseur.

Kyle:

You are a connoisseur, I can say that.

Carlos:

Yo, I'm a sommelier.

Kyle:

You can categorize shit.

Carlos:

It's that video is fucked.

Kyle:

Yeah, sounds like it.

Carlos:

You can tell it smells terrible.

Kyle :

She's like oh, it's going to make me gag, jesus Christ.

Kyle:

Yeah, that's not the best. No, no, no, no, no. How did we get here, dude? You brought it to this point.

Carlos:

Yeah, we're here because of you man, what's going on with you guys?

Kyle:

Not much Not much. Not watching Gauntlet videos.

Carlos:

I wouldn't. It takes you down a very weird. You feel very weird after it.

Kyle:

I can imagine. Kyle, you're a fucker. You know what's weird. What. Is that every time Kyle comes in my office I just smell armpits, kyle- smelled like shit today.

Carlos:

Dude, at work, I don't put on deodorant. We fucking work outside.

ryan:

I don't give a shit, okay, but no, no, no, you don't put deodorant on In the morning. Listen, no, we're gonna get into this now.

Carlos:

Yeah, shut the fuck up when you talk about deodorant. Your shit is fucking wild.

ryan:

It's not fucking wild.

Carlos:

Tell the audience what you fucking do.

ryan:

Okay, okay so every night.

Kyle:

We need to do a poll on this.

ryan:

Yeah, do a poll. I want to see everybody who listens to this. I want to know how you feel about this, because I thought this was fucking normal. This has been 10 years in the making now 10, 11 years in the making. When I get home from work and then I go to sleep no deodorant on in the morning, because I already put it on the night before, and then I go to work and I repeat the process. What?

Carlos:

type of fucking sense does that?

Kyle:

make so you shower at night, put deodorant on. Put deodorant on, go to bed.

ryan:

Go to bed, wake up. Wake up in the morning, piss, brush my teeth, maybe splash a little bit of water on my face before I leave, and I'm out the door. Why? Maybe splash a little bit of water on my face before I leave and I'm out the door? Why the fuck do you want to sleep with fucking deodorant in your arms? Because if I don't, I wake up in the morning smelling like shit, and that's what deodorant is for?

Kyle:

Yeah, you're supposed to put deodorant on in the morning. Why?

ryan:

don't you just mitigate it from the beginning and say, let me put some on before I go to sleep, so I wake up feeling good?

Kyle:

Are you trying to get ahead of it?

Carlos:

You smell that bad. If you don't put it on, you wake yourself up.

ryan:

No, I don't wake myself up, but it smells like you, buddy, today, and you didn't put deodorant on. You smell like shit today.

Carlos:

Are you sleeping with your nose in your fucking armpit? No, what are you doing? I just put it on. I swear to God, 99% of the fucking world puts deodorant on in the morning.

ryan:

Okay, well, here's what happens. G and A about this. Do you put deodorant on at night or in the morning?

Carlos:

You have to quantify putting it on at night, right before bed, it's not that I do it right before bed.

ryan:

Yes, you do, if I get home at like 7, okay.

Erick:

If I get home at like 7, I'm out of the shower.

ryan:

7.30, 7.45, right, you're taking a 40-minute shower If my hot water keeps up? Yes, it's my hot water. What are you?

Carlos:

doing there. We'll get into that too. What do you mean? What the fuck is your hygiene routine? You're fucked up.

ryan:

What do you mean? You're fucked up, dude.

Carlos:

Elaborate, elaborate, please no, continue on the deodorant and try to explain to the people, Alright?

Kyle:

I will say this okay, when I go to bed at night, I'll take a shower. I don't put deodorant on after the shower but, I feel like it feels better to not.

ryan:

But it's not like I'm not scrubbing my. I'm cleaning my fucking armpits you just did in the shower Okay.

Carlos:

Deodorant you're not cleaning your armpits with deodorant? It just masks, the scent For the smell You're not cleaning. It's a deodorant, so you don't clean your armpits in the shower and they smell bad.

ryan:

I do, I do it's not like, but they smell like old spice when I get out of the shower.

Carlos:

So why are you putting on deodorant?

ryan:

I thought that was a normal fucking thing. I thought that was a normal fucking thing. That's the fucking craziest bullshit. I don't know.

Kyle:

We should do a poll though. Yeah, Can we do a poll somehow?

Carlos:

I don't think anybody will vote on it, but I'll vote on it.

Kyle:

We'll put a poll on Spotify.

Carlos:

When do you put deodorant on? I don't think you can put a poll on Spotify.

Kyle:

Can we.

ryan:

No.

Kyle:

We can do it on Instagram.

ryan:

You guys are fuckers. Why would I want to wake up in the morning smelling like shit with my armpits? That's the point of fucking deodorant. But if you put it on at night before you go to bed, you wake up and your armpits smell good.

Carlos:

Oh my god, why do?

ryan:

I want to wake up smelling like shit, whenever the deodorant is like 24 hours of protection.

Carlos:

It's like all of your protection is gone by the morning.

Kyle:

You count the hours when it says like it'll protect you for 12 hours.

ryan:

I've been asleep for eight hours.

Carlos:

It was a fucking exaggeration, motherfucker.

ryan:

I still have 16 hours.

Kyle:

So you're good for the next day.

ryan:

I'm good for the next day. You for the next day. You're fucking retarded. What do you mean? I'm fucking retarded.

Kyle:

I don't agree with it.

Erick:

Welcome back to Noah's Loaves, yeah welcome back but you're shitting me.

Carlos:

You're crazy. None of us in this room other than you put on deodorant before we go to bed. That's what I'm saying.

Kyle:

Eric, when do you put deodorant on?

ryan:

In the morning you put it on in the morning. I don't shower in the morning, I shower at nighttime.

Carlos:

I feel like, if you call, I said even if you don't shower in the morning, you put it on in the morning.

Kyle:

I feel like we should call someone and see when they do.

ryan:

No fuck that.

Carlos:

Who can I call right now? I think you can call Ty.

Kyle:

Should you call Ty? Let me call Ty, call Ty, ask. Ask him when he puts deodorant on.

ryan:

Don't call him because I'm going to fucking beat the shit out of him on the phone.

Kyle:

No, you won't.

ryan:

I'm going to fuck that motherfucker up, oh shit.

Erick:

In the meantime, shout out to everyone who's been listening, who's been supporting. We do appreciate everything, oh for sure, for sure. Comments likes whatever it is, thank you Ty Ty.

Carlos:

Quick question You're on the pod. When do you put deodorant on?

Erick:

In the morning. Thank you, Ty. Shut the fuck up, Bye.

Carlos:

Ty, I'll explain to you what's going on. Ryan puts deodorant on at night after a shower, before bed. Why?

ryan:

Don't call this motherfucker.

Carlos:

Thank you, ty, I'll talk to motherfucker. Thank you, ty, I'll talk to you later. Bye, ty.

ryan:

Bye.

Kyle:

Bye. So I mean, come on, man, this is so fucked, this is 4v1 now.

ryan:

I thought it was normal.

Kyle:

Who told you that my mom Shout out Ryan's mom? My mom, I love you. I love you, ryan's mom.

ryan:

My mama, that's fine you.

Kyle:

Ryan's mom, my mama. Does she do the same thing? I don't know, we should call your brother and see what he does.

ryan:

Call your brother and see what he does. I'll call him right now. Hold on.

Erick:

Like I said, anyone who's been supporting, thank you. We have a YouTube now. You can subscribe to anything we appreciate it we do.

Carlos:

The goal of this is just fucking talk shit with a couple of bros. We have a YouTube now you can subscribe to anything. Just thank you, we appreciate it. Thank you, we do. The goal of this is just fucking talk shit with a couple of bros. For sure, hang out, drink some brews, oh shit.

ryan:

You're on the podcast right now. I've got to ask you a question. Put it right on the mic, hold on what. I'm not the show. Hold you do what you got, the what All right. So when you, if you worked, say you work today, ask him if he puts when do you put deodorant on? At night or in the morning?

Kyle:

Well, that's your own brother, that that's your blood dude.

Carlos:

Same mom, same mom.

ryan:

Oh my God, I thought that was normal. Same balls, not same balls. Get the fuck out of here, motherfucker.

Kyle:

Yo, that's two people that we randomly called.

Carlos:

Like I said, 99% of this fucking population puts it on in the morning.

ryan:

Well, how the fuck was I?

Carlos:

supposed to know that? How the fuck does everybody else know that, but not you?

ryan:

It's like the same thing. When the fuck did we get ice cream?

Carlos:

When the fuck, did we get ice cream? When you see fucking commercials for deodorant, you never see them putting it on at night.

Kyle:

It's normally not dark, you motherfuckers.

ryan:

That's fucked.

Carlos:

Now we'll get into this. Everybody knows you're fucking dumb for that. Why the fuck are you taking 40-minute?

Kyle:

showers.

Carlos:

That's a long time I know you're not doing a face routine or a fucking hair routine.

ryan:

No, I wash my hair like three times a week.

Carlos:

Three to four times a week. So why the fuck are you in the shower for 40 minutes?

ryan:

I'm in there vibing. I got my speaker, not my speaker anymore. I lost Charger. I got my music pumping. I'm in that bitch dancing.

Kyle:

What are you really doing? Are you enjoying yourself? I'm not fapping it. That's what you're asking.

ryan:

Kyle.

Carlos:

That's not what I'm doing. You're not a shower guy.

ryan:

I'm not a shower guy. I've told you this many times I'm not a shower guy, I just don't know Dude, five minutes in the Well you guys are dirty?

Kyle:

Apparently not you guys are dirty.

ryan:

Apparently, me putting deodorant on at nighttime is dirty.

Carlos:

I don't know how that makes any fucking sense. Nobody said it was dirty, it's just odd.

ryan:

You're putting that into your own shit. It's just odd, it's very strange. You're taking a five-minute shower.

Carlos:

Yeah, if I'm fucking doing it, yeah, why the fuck am I going to stand in there for so long? I like to let it soak.

Kyle:

I don't give a shit. Do you wash your ass first or last?

Carlos:

Last First.

ryan:

First Wait. What about? Why? Because I'm a shit to shower guy.

Kyle:

You. So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're a shit to shower guy. So that means that you take a shit and don't wipe and you hop right in the shower.

ryan:

I mean it depends. Yeah, if it's a wet one, I'm wiping.

Carlos:

But if it's dry, I'm getting in the shower. I swear to God, you're going to fucking make me explode right now.

ryan:

Why? In what way? Why In a good way or a bad way?

Carlos:

How many times have I talked about shit to shower? And now, all of a sudden, I have agreed with you every now and then.

Kyle:

That is fair. I have agreed with you every now and then.

ryan:

I don't agree with shit in the shower.

Kyle:

I'm a shit in the shower guy, but I do agree that you have said it.

Carlos:

Let's find middle ground. We both shit in the shower.

ryan:

Wait, no, no, no, I told you, I told you. What do you do with your face?

Carlos:

You wash your face after your ass.

Kyle:

Oh, oh, that's the last thing I do. I wash my hair, I wash my face.

Carlos:

That's why you get pink eyes so often Yo.

ryan:

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. I haven't had pink eyes since I was like 15. All right, fuck off, fuck off.

Carlos:

You had pink eyes, just like last year. Oh, I did. You called out a lot Whoa.

Kyle:

Okay, all right.

ryan:

Breaking. This says deodorant. Do you put deodorant on before?

Kyle:

Okay, so that's kind of like a one sided question. Do you put deodorant on before bed? But if your deodorant has Antiperspirants?

ryan:

Antiperspirants.

Carlos:

Antiperspirants, you should apply it at night. At night, your body temperature drops, which means you sweat less. When your glands are less active, your sweat ducts may be able to better absorb the oxygen.

Kyle:

I just feel like that doesn't make any sense, though. Rephrase that Google question when should you put deodorant on?

Carlos:

Yeah, Don't double yeah.

ryan:

Nighttime is the ideal time to apply it. Shut the fuck up.

Kyle:

Shut the fuck up To apply what See Google is agreeing with me, you fucking cocksuckers.

Carlos:

But that's because the fucking way he wrote it.

Kyle:

Yeah, the question is meant to be like the weirdos.

Carlos:

When do you put on deodorant? Not before bed. Fucking. Get the fuck out of the before bed thing.

Kyle:

When do you put deodorant on?

ryan:

Okay, so yeah, so Google's AI is agreeing with me.

Carlos:

You're not listening to us.

Kyle:

You're setting us up for failure.

ryan:

here You're stirring the fucking pot in my face. No, it's wrong, dude, you know that's. I still can't believe that you guys are dumbfounded by that. I have been doing that for like 10 years now.

Carlos:

No, that's fucking bullshit, dude. Yeah, you're asking the wrong question it's like all that shit where they give you instructions or tell you this is how you do it, whatever.

Kyle:

Nobody fucking listens to those Like ramen noodles Like ramen noodles Click on.

ryan:

Reddit. Do you want an after shower? Getting into bed debate?

Kyle:

No, I do not put on do you want an after shower before getting into bed?

ryan:

They got me beat. That was fucking 1.2K.

Kyle:

Do not agree with you.

Carlos:

That was a poll on Reddit, so people have talked.

Kyle:

You have some fucking you who put it on before bed.

Carlos:

Exactly why the fuck do I want? I want to be like dry before bed. Why do I?

Kyle:

want. I feel like I'd be uncomfortable.

ryan:

Slime it around, or like Do you not dry yourself off when you get out of the shower?

Carlos:

Obviously, but if you have the fucking.

Kyle:

Like your armpit's still wet, Like your hair.

ryan:

You just scrub it down with a towel.

Kyle:

Yeah, but it's still got some moisture to it, do you not?

ryan:

have a little washcloth. I have washcloths.

Kyle:

How do you clean your ass?

ryan:

My ass with a loofah With a loofah.

Kyle:

That loofah is just fucking shitty.

ryan:

I have a body loofah and an ass loofah.

Carlos:

You have a specific loofah for your ass Is your ass, loofah white, so you don't mix them up I was about to say what color is it? They're both purple.

Kyle:

That's bad Wait. How do you tell what is what?

ryan:

One's on the left side, one's on the right side. It can't be the same color.

Kyle:

Left is my bottom. What if?

ryan:

you drop them.

Carlos:

It's happened before I absolutely know you've used the wrong one oh for sure. And then you know what happens they, they both become ass loofahs, ass to face.

ryan:

I'm not scrubbing my face with a loofah.

Carlos:

I use my hands. You see, that's where we're different. I clean my ass with my hand and I use a loofah on my face. You're in there getting two fingers deep in your butt to clean your fucking ass. I'm not fucking sticking my fingers in my ass.

Kyle:

I don't use anything. I use my hands, are you?

ryan:

credit or debit. You swipe it up and down. I think they're the same kind of card.

Carlos:

I swipe a card the same way.

Kyle:

You got a chip or a tap, shut the fuck up, I just fucking.

Carlos:

No, I go up and down, I get right to the fucking. I get right to the wall, you get right to your. G-spot. I don't breach. I don't breach the fucking rim.

Kyle:

Do you ever test the waters With?

ryan:

knowing you, you have tested the waters many times before.

Kyle:

I've never tried to stick anything on my butt. You just fucking let the fingertip roll.

Carlos:

No, I've never stuck anything on my butt other than a suppository. One time that's needed.

ryan:

I was fucking constipated, I needed it Did you stick it in or somebody else stick it in.

Carlos:

I stuck it in.

ryan:

Did you lay down on?

Carlos:

your stomach and stick it in. No, I was on the toilet. Because you're supposed to hold it in as long as you can, and then, when you can't hold it anymore, you're on the toilet already. You don't leave it there.

ryan:

It's like a Bampon. It's like a butt tampon.

Erick:

Shut the fuck up Ryan. Is Colin in a better mood this week, or what?

Kyle:

I think he's a little fired up.

ryan:

Kyle's a little feisty little fucking cunt. I like it. I like it.

Carlos:

You can't say cunt on YouTube. That's a banned word on YouTube.

Erick:

Welcome back to New, as Low we're going to have to fucking bleep that out.

Carlos:

You can't say cunt anymore. Oh, two bleeps Two bleeps Cut that, cut that Shout.

Erick:

No, really, thank you. Thank you, it means a lot.

ryan:

Javi, when I meet you in person, we're throwing down buddy.

Carlos:

Yeah, we've had a couple of fucking comments on the YouTubes.

ryan:

Apparently Kyle's the edgelord.

Kyle:

I would agree.

Carlos:

Yeah, I don't know. We appreciate it, though we didn't think we'd get one, hey you guys have been giving us so much money.

ryan:

I was able to go get some new pants today. Spent $60 on some new pants today.

Kyle:

That was on you bud, yeah.

Carlos:

You went on a shopping spree today. Yeah, for no reason. You spent like $300 today.

Kyle:

Fondle Mike Hawk.

ryan:

Sincerely Fondle Mike Hawk.

Kyle:

That is a username, for sure, if that's a real dude, shout out, shout out to Fondle Mike Hawk. He said Fondle here.

Erick:

Fondle here.

Kyle:

Podcast never fails to make me laugh.

ryan:

Unlike Kyle, the AKA Edgelord, keep him coming, dude.

Kyle:

Keep him coming. Carlos is a Goomba.

Carlos:

Carlos is a Goomba. That's also a poll we need to do Does.

Erick:

Carlos look like a Mario.

Carlos:

Goomba yes.

Kyle:

The answer is fucking yes, Kyle. Are you LGBTQ? This?

Carlos:

is Fuck, fuck, javier, dude Javier.

ryan:

Javier, I appreciate it. Javier, I am the coolest in the room, that's fucking bullshit dude.

Carlos:

I got the most swag. We're going to do another poll on that. Fuck that. Fuck that dude. You're not cool at all, not the coolest what?

Kyle:

does that mean dude? Well, ryan, you kissed a D, so I knew Ryan kissed a D. Shit, as you're wearing the D.

ryan:

I am wearing the D. It's upside down. It looks like a pineapple from the back. Oh shit.

Carlos:

Shout out my mom, jeff, I don't know, you shouldn't be listening. I thought you guys were going to listen and then stop Be like okay, we get it Now.

Kyle:

they're waiting dude. Monday morning they are on it my mom and stepdad.

Carlos:

They're texting me shit about the podcast, Fuck.

Kyle:

Yeah, you're revealing some secrets there, bud.

Carlos:

But it isn't anything that I haven't said to them. They're just happy you're expressing yourself. I've said some fucking crazy shit. Yeah, they're always just like. We're so proud, you are trying something.

Kyle:

We're proud that you're not alone in your apartment every day.

ryan:

Kyle, do you remember what you were saying after we saw Dune when we were sitting at Chili's what? When the table next to us moved three tables over?

Carlos:

I don't remember what I said, but I remember, wait, you guys were having dinner and a table that was next to you guys moved.

Kyle:

No, we went to meet Eric.

Carlos:

This was the impetus of this podcast, like the very first, very first run step we took. We saw Dune 2 masterpiece, love it. Great movie, great fucking movie. Then we were at Chili's and I don't remember what we said, what I said.

Kyle:

But the table moved next to you.

ryan:

Apparently.

Kyle:

Yeah, no they did Kyle?

ryan:

I had, I think I had six margaritas and Kyle had like six Long Islands Islands, something like that A little two for one Sounds like a good time.

Kyle:

And they moved, they moved, they moved.

ryan:

Yeah, what the fuck did I say Do you really want me to say?

Carlos:

What does it pertain?

ryan:

to your family.

Carlos:

Piss.

ryan:

Yeah.

Carlos:

Oh yeah.

Kyle:

What is it?

ryan:

Kyle said. He said I used to make a joke with my sister and my mom all the time, Like oh we? Kyle said. He said I used to make a joke With my sister and my mom All the time, like, oh, we're drinking, I gotta go piss Like shh. You want me to save Something for you?

Kyle:

What does that even mean? I thought, I used.

Carlos:

I would be like I'm going piss but I'm not gonna finish it all. If you want some, Yo what do?

Kyle:

they say when?

ryan:

you say that no, probably, like, probably, yo, what do they say when you say that? Probably like a minute after Kyle said that there was a couple sitting next to us, like literally sitting right next to us. At the left there was me and Eric Kyle was across from us. They got up and moved like three tables over.

Carlos:

We're like oh fuck, what does that even mean?

Kyle:

I didn't realize, how weird, yeah I didn't think it was that weird, it was just like a joke.

Carlos:

It's not like they actually fucking took me up on the offer. It was just a fucking thing. I said it was quite the opposite. Yeah, I would say to my sister, like every time I have to take a piss, I'm not going to finish it, if you want some.

Kyle:

Well, she's adopted so.

Carlos:

My sister is adopted. Shout out, shout out my fucking adopted sister. Shout out, adopted sister.

Kyle:

She wants to get on the cast.

Carlos:

Should we name drop? She wants to get on the cast. No, no name drop.

Kyle:

You know who she'd have on the cast. I don't want to get her on the cast. We'll get my whole family on the cast. I think your grandma would be a great cast.

Carlos:

Yeah, we do have to get my fucking grandma on the cast.

Kyle:

That'd be awesome. She's fucking nuts, bro. Do we need to get?

ryan:

your 100-year-old grandma on here too.

Kyle:

Nah, dude, she doesn't even speak English.

Carlos:

Yeah, your grandma's fucked. That's what we have, eric for.

ryan:

She's old Eric's bilingual.

Carlos:

Yeah, we translate it.

Kyle:

Nah, dude, she would not do well on the cast. She doesn't leave her house. She's 101 years old.

ryan:

I know my grandma's 91.

Carlos:

Yeah, buddy, buddy, I don't know how old my grandma is. She's not that fucking old though, no 70 or something that's not that old.

ryan:

She's still thriving.

Carlos:

Yeah, she fucking. She smokes more weed than a lot of people. She smokes more weed than a lot of people. But, recently, I think, she said she can't smoke anymore. So now she does. She makes her own edibles. She makes her own edibles. Why can't she smoke anymore? Like you get old, your fucking lungs and throat are fucked.

Kyle:

She's probably been smoking so much weed Throughout her life. But no.

Carlos:

She buys like you can buy, like Clear capsules, like to make pills with. Yeah. And she grinds it up. Grinds up her weed In like a coffee grinder and then, just like, puts it in a cap, puts it in a capsule and then gets it in there, and it works.

Kyle:

And I don't know if that works. I feel like that wouldn't work.

ryan:

No, cause, cause, yeah, cause the flower's activated by heat.

Carlos:

Well I mean, but it's not. You're not just eating it directly like you're. It has to dissolve the capsule and then I don't know, I have no idea if that works, but she tries, she's trying. Interesting.

ryan:

Can we talk about how fucked your algorithm is on social media?

Carlos:

Oh, my Instagram real algorithm.

ryan:

It's bad.

Kyle:

You're fucking my algorithm.

Carlos:

I told you guys, man, that's why I didn't add you on fucking Instagram for a long time.

ryan:

I told Carlos that this morning.

Kyle:

Yeah, because we saw this video and I was like yo.

Carlos:

It is what it is, man, I enjoy it, that one.

Kyle:

Yo, we can't talk about that one, bro, that's fucked.

ryan:

Kyle, you can lose it. Kyle said that and I said Jesus Christ.

Carlos:

I said, oh my God, all I'll say I thought it was just a fucking head floating on the water.

ryan:

No.

Kyle:

No, there's a little tiny mangled there's some body to it.

Carlos:

There's a mangled body underneath there. Shit Well-. God bless Shit God bless, god fucking bless.

Kyle:

God bless. Jesus Christ.

Carlos:

You know, sometimes you hit a home run and sometimes you get struck out. Man, what does that even mean? Sometimes, what does that pertain to? Life man. What do you want out of your fucking life, carlos? What do you want to do with your fucking life, dude? I just want to be happy. What does that mean that? Your fucking life, carlos? What do you want to do with your fucking life, dude? I just want to be happy. What does that mean? That's fucking arbitrary as hell. That's a big arbitrary. You know what that?

ryan:

means Look that up later. I don't know what that means Exactly Fuck you but you know I will be happy.

Carlos:

I asked Carlos a question. Let him fucking answer it. Fuck you, put the mic down for a second. We don't need you anymore. Put it down. Me and Carlos will talk.

Kyle:

Get his ass, Ryan. What do you want out of your life, Ryan?

ryan:

That is arbitrary A question I don't know. I can float down shit creek without a paddle and then I can float down shit creek with a paddle. Explain then. I can float down shit creek with a paddle. So whatever life, gives you, explain what the fuck.

Carlos:

That means.

ryan:

It's pretty self-explanatory.

Carlos:

I don't understand it, so it's not.

ryan:

Well, you might be pretty dumb in the head.

Carlos:

Kyle, you want to float down a creek with your life. He said, shit's creek. You want to float down shit's creek.

ryan:

Shit creek. Shit creek. A creek full of shit. A creek full of shit, is that where you think you're at right now. That's where I know where I'm at right now A shit creek, I'm at a shit creek.

Carlos:

right now, you're just neck deep in a fucking shit creek.

Kyle:

Yeah, Look man, I just want to be happy. Yeah but, what does that fucking good one and be able to enjoy myself Every once in a while.

ryan:

We can't do any of that right now. Who? All of us. Why? Because we're fucked. Speak for yourself bud, I think I have the most fun out of all four of us. Is that what you tell yourself In a bad way, slash somewhat Self-destructive way. That's a good way to put it.

Carlos:

That's a good way to put it.

ryan:

I have a lot of fun, but it's also in a very self-destructive way. Do you cry Some nights?

Kyle:

Sometimes Do you like listen to music and cry, or, like you, just cry.

ryan:

I just get drunk.

Kyle:

Is that drunk crying?

ryan:

A little bit. It's not crying. A little water works, so nice, yeah, just shed a tear.

Carlos:

Shed a tear, bro do you remember the night that you puked on my beanbag?

ryan:

I don't remember the majority of that night, right, but that night I didn't cry, that night.

Carlos:

I didn't. No, you didn't, you cried. I'm telling you a story.

Kyle:

Should we save this story and come back? Yeah, we can.

Carlos:

Is that a fucking? You got to take a piss or something. I got to take a piss. All right, we'll pause it up here. All right, pause it up. Yo Like half the fucking thing, dude, we'll finish this up though. Damn.

ryan:

We're not finishing it up. We still got 20 minutes left.

Carlos:

We're live motherfucker, oh shit. Well, we're back on the air. These are hot mics don't say anything you'll regret later. We've only put out we've only put out like five episodes. I immediately forget what I said. And then somebody else is like yo, that was fucking wild.

Kyle:

I'm like who the fuck said that it is crazy. We'll be talking and not even remember what we said. It's probably for the better.

Carlos:

I was like, I didn't fucking say, that did I.

Kyle:

I'll go back and listen to it and I'm like Jesus Christ, damn. It's like I sound wrong.

Carlos:

That is weird Anybody listening. I feel like everybody has that phobia of hearing your own voice back to you Because you always have an idea of what you sound like in your own head while you're talking.

ryan:

You never know.

Carlos:

And you sound nothing like what you sound like to yourself I sound fucked.

ryan:

That's what everybody feels like. I thought I sounded pretty annoying. I sound fucked. You sound more, less fucked than I do. I don't think so. You're pretty fucked. I am pretty fucked.

Carlos:

I don't know why. I don't know why, I don't know why you want to shout out your dogs, my dogs, yeah.

Erick:

If you want to be on the podcast, give us your number, we might call you. Oh yeah, we can call you.

ryan:

We can call Well yeah, I hit up my boy Sarah. I know he listens. He's been listening. Your boy, sarah, the Jerkin' Gerker Is that the guy? No, that's my boy, jerkin' Gerkin'. Jerkin' Gerkin', that's my dog. He listened to a couple of them, jerkin' Gerkin', that's what we call him, the Gerkinator.

Carlos:

Damn.

ryan:

He looks like the thumb from Spy Kids.

Carlos:

He looks like the thumb from Spy.

ryan:

Kids.

Carlos:

Legitimately they should have called those characters the Shurkin' Gerkins.

ryan:

They should have called those characters the Shurken.

Carlos:

Gherkins. That's a perfect name McGherkin, mcgherkin. Mcgherkin. That's his last name, gherkin.

ryan:

Well, you're putting this dog on blast right now. I hope he's listening. I know my boy Sarah's going to listen. He's going to be laughing.

Carlos:

Shit. What's up with that fucker?

ryan:

Who.

Carlos:

Sarah, your boy.

Kyle:

That's my boy. Well, I mean, that's what this podcast is about.

ryan:

Right, there's a couple of dogs hanging out, we're just talking shit. We're just hanging out having a couple beers.

Kyle:

Honestly, this is our conversation most of the fucking days.

ryan:

Majority of the time, yeah. Yeah, we're just fucking shooting the shit. Chopping it up, that's all this podcast is.

Erick:

It's like we're just having fun, yeah.

ryan:

Yeah, we need something to get away from work. Do not judge us based off of what we say.

Carlos:

No.

Erick:

Yeah, it's all in-house. We're not a big-. Yeah, we haven't outsourced anything. No, we all do it in-house.

Carlos:

It's all in-house, eric, to most of this shit.

Kyle:

No, he's normally shaking his head throughout the whole thing. Yeah, when.

ryan:

I said you guys sent us money. I was fucking around. I spent my own money on work pants.

Carlos:

You spent too much money today.

ryan:

Yeah, you spent a lot of money today, dude. Well, I had to give my mom a Mother's Day. It is Mother's Day coming up. It's Mother's Day on Sunday and my mom's birthday is on Friday, so Mom's birthday is on Friday, so are you going to drop it like that?

Carlos:

You'll be like this for Mother's Day and your birthday. You're not getting nothing else.

ryan:

Yeah, because her birthday is like I don't know, because my sister was saying you have to get her two gifts, yeah, well, that's why, dude Mother's Day.

Carlos:

you don't go crazy on Mother's Day, no.

ryan:

You just like get some flowers, a card, some chocolates. Her birthday is on Friday After Mother's Day.

Kyle:

Yeah, but Mother's Day you just give them a gift, so they know you appreciate them.

ryan:

I'm going home to show face, that's all I'm doing.

Carlos:

Yeah, but then on her birthday, it's like whenever you see her next. A birthday is more important than I feel, like Mother's Day is. I would say so I would put more effort and money into a birthday gift than I got my mom. Yeah, me and my sister got my mom, like You're going to say it.

Kyle:

What I mean.

Carlos:

she'll reveal the no what we got her for her birthday this year.

Kyle:

We already got it for her, all right. When's her birthday?

Carlos:

I'm sorry. When's your mom's birthday? January 20th.

Kyle:

Oh, OK so you already got it. Oh yeah, Way back.

ryan:

Eric, where the fuck are you going to?

Carlos:

Bluechew. Thank you for sponsoring this episode. Bluechew Ryan, have you ever taken dick pills before? Is that what that is? Yeah, bluechew is a dick pill.

ryan:

The only thing I've ever taken was horny goat weed. What the fuck is that? Is that from the gas station? From the gate? Gas station in the bathroom?

Carlos:

What is horny goat?

ryan:

weed. I don't know you eat it and it's supposed to be like a stimulant for your dick.

Erick:

I guess, why'd you?

Kyle:

take that I was like 10 years old, 11 years old. Wait what? Because you put the coins in. You put the coins in in the bathroom.

ryan:

Two of them were the Trojan condoms and then the horny goat weed.

Kyle:

Where was your mom at? Why are you in the bathroom with these vending machines?

ryan:

at 10 years old, at 10? Yeah, was it baseball tournaments? No, it was back in my hometown.

Carlos:

We'd all ride our bikes Just doing some hood rat shit with the dogs. We weren't doing hood rat shit, did you?

ryan:

guys all take it, or was it just you, I'm pretty sure we all not at the same time, but we all went in there and got a little bit of it.

Carlos:

Did it get your little 10-year-old dick hard I? I was booked up all day At 10? I can't remember the first time I got like a boner. I don't think it was at 10.

Kyle:

Not 10. I feel like I was at least like 12 or 13. Like a teenager Living your life.

Carlos:

It had to be like seventh grade, but you're just taking it.

ryan:

I just took it and took it. I don't know I took it and take it.

Kyle:

I don't know you do put whatever into your body. No, I do not. You say, let's see how this works out.

ryan:

No, I do not. You're like, eh, kyle, when you were in middle school, when you would get nervous.

Carlos:

would you get a boner or would you get the farts? Would I get a boner if I was nervous, or would you get the farts? Neither, we've talked about this before. I just feel like I have to pee when I get nervous.

ryan:

See when I used to get. It still happens to this day.

Carlos:

You get a boner.

ryan:

No, I get the farts Be fart all the time.

Carlos:

What brought up? Who fucking gets nervous and then has a boner because of it?

ryan:

I think that's a pretty normal thing.

Carlos:

I don't think so, man, why not?

Kyle:

No, I don't get a boner when I get nervous. No, I have to pee, you have to pee all the fucking time.

ryan:

I'm always nervous, do you guys ever?

Carlos:

jerk off with your boys. No, like when you were super young. Nobody knew what jerking off was.

Kyle:

That's not what you asked. Yeah, but that's what I meant. You asked if we ever jerked with our boys.

Carlos:

Yeah, no as kids.

ryan:

No, sir, okay, okay, hold on, did the jerk with our boys.

Kyle:

Like a circle, like a circle jerk.

Erick:

No, no, no, hold on, hold on.

Carlos:

Listen listen, listen.

ryan:

I understand where Kyle's coming from.

Carlos:

There we go. Now we're on the same level. I understand where he's coming from.

Erick:

No, me and Ryan understand each other. I do, I do, I do.

ryan:

Because, I didn't know what jerking off was until my brother. My brother showed me.

Kyle:

You were just watching your brother jerk it.

Carlos:

I have the exact same.

Kyle:

Wait your brother showed you.

ryan:

Yeah, how did he jerk.

Carlos:

My brother didn't do that, but we have a similar origin story.

ryan:

It was like my brother showed me.

Kyle:

He was like yeah, you've played with a dick before I'm like no, I don't know what the fuck that is Like.

ryan:

I'll show you. No, my mom used to be fucking weird. She'd be like, oh, you and James Shower together Like no.

Kyle:

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

ryan:

Bro, because it was Alright, so so. So in my family I had my mom and my sister, and then me and my older brother. So, it was always the boys the boys and then it'd be my mom and my sister together. Yeah, my brother was fucked up. He was fucked up. He showed me some crazy-ass shit. We go to sleepovers together and they're showing me porn and shit. Like you know, it was fucked up.

Carlos:

So they were grooming you See, that's the part that our story intertwines I remember.

ryan:

See, I told you me and Kyle, we get each other. I remember the very first time.

Kyle:

You guys are pretty similar and you don't agree, but it's facts.

Carlos:

My brother's four years older than me and he would have like friends over.

ryan:

See my brother.

Carlos:

He's three years older than me and this would, and I'd be like the annoying, like dude you have to like, let me hang out, and my mom would be like you have to let him hang out with you.

ryan:

No, no, no.

Carlos:

My mom would be like. She'd be like oh okay, do you want to hang out with your friends? You bring her on. Yep, you got to go, got to go, you got to go, so I'm there with them. So I would be, and they'd be like yo, this is fun.

Kyle:

All of them are just jerking it on the couch at the sleepover.

Carlos:

No, nobody's jerking it, you're just like exploring. You're like holy fuck. This is making me feel some type of way, dude. I cannot relate I do remember me and my little bro Timmy Shout out, timmy Lee. Little Asian bro Used to be my best friend back in like fifth or sixth grade. We'd play fucking Super Smash Bros all the time. His grandma was old as fuck, old Asian lady. Timmy. Lee Timmy Lee. He was Korean.

Kyle:

Shout out Timmy Lee. Shout out, timmy Lee.

Carlos:

But we'd get together and we would be watching. We'd be like yo, first one to fucking come wins. We would never actually come right, but I'd be like in his closet. We're like you can't, we can't see, we can't look at each other yo, what the fuck, how old were you?

Carlos:

this is like before I ever came jesus man before or after before this is why kyle's mind is so fuck and when I first, like I told you, when I first had fucking ejaculation ejaculations I didn't touch, I didn't touch it. I was wearing jeans or some type of tight pants.

ryan:

Were you making out with the chicks or?

Carlos:

something. Hell. No, I was watching fucking soft. I was watching Skinny Max, damn, and I kept like popping it up into my jeans. Yo, I was watching it, just popping it up and it fucking all came out and I was like freaked out. I was like what the fuck, what is this? And I like went in the bathroom and I was like, oh, my God, that's fucked. It felt so good, and here you are. The adventures of a young man.

ryan:

Here you are now, buddy.

Carlos:

Of a young Brutus.

Kyle:

Yeah, that's not anything. I was like chasing when I was younger.

Carlos:

No, it was like everybody figures it out somehow your mom's not gonna be like, yeah, when you feel horny, fucking jerk your dick off.

ryan:

No, you just kind of figure it out in your own way. I told you guys what happened when I started getting horny.

Carlos:

You were like coming in your mom's stuff Wait what?

ryan:

Okay, okay.

Carlos:

You said that wrong. Well, she had to like do your laundry and they were fucking crusty shit, that's right, yeah, you did say that.

ryan:

No, not at all. That's not what I said at all. I said she caught me waistbanding it.

Carlos:

Oh yeah, sticking your dick in your waistband she caught me waistbanding it yeah. You guys talk about waist. Mine never reached my waistband, it was just. I would take one step and it would pop out of the fucking waistband.

ryan:

Slander, slander, what?

Carlos:

Why did it say that?

ryan:

My sticky boxers no, you were coming all over your shit.

Kyle:

No, I did not. Yes, you did no, I did not. He said it was starchy.

ryan:

Starchy. What the fuck does that mean?

Kyle:

Stiff stiff, we're talking cum. And your, your mom had how many boys? Two, two. There was some jizz getting fucking washed.

Carlos:

She did not want to do the laundry well, I don't know what I'm talking about. See, I was always my mom listens to this. Now, now, now that we, oh you, you caught yourself there, you caught yourself there.

Kyle:

You caught yourself there, man but she held back.

Carlos:

She has four boys. Thankfully it was just, it's just me and my older oh my younger brother is at the ripe age. He's getting into fucking. How old is he? I don't know how old he, wait, he's like are you talking about kj? No, he's older than that now 12 or 13?

ryan:

wait, are you talking about kj? Yeah, a little mini one. Yeah, yeah, you guys are built the same, yeah yeah, they are.

Carlos:

She had, like the first round with me and my older brother and then now the second round is yeah, a little mini Juana. Yeah, yeah, you guys are built the same.

ryan:

Yeah, yeah yeah, no, they are they are.

Carlos:

She had like the first round with me and my older brother and then now the second round is just coming up. He's just getting into the major leagues of figuring what the fuck is up, dude.

Kyle:

Are you showing him the ropes?

Carlos:

Hell, no, I'm not going to show him Whenever he gets to that age. You remember, when you like, so I'll be like dude, did you fucking jerk off today? He's that old, he's getting there. He's like 12 or 13 now. Oh God, I'll be like dude, I looked at your fucking search history. It's fucked up, oh dude His search history. Just like bring it up in front of my parents and embarrass the fuck out of them. You know how embarrassed you got back in the day when, like any type of sexual thing would come up.

Kyle:

Do you think he's going to end up like you, with your personality?

Carlos:

No, His personality is more close to mine than my older brother's.

Kyle:

Really.

Carlos:

But he's built like my older brother. My older brother is way fucking bigger than I am.

Kyle:

I was about to say he's about to be fucking huge.

Carlos:

He's going to be bigger than me. Yeah, he'll be taller than me, damn.

ryan:

I'm only 5'10.

Carlos:

I'm not 5'10.

ryan:

Well, give me, I'm not 5'10. Shit, you're lucky. Ryan didn't buy his lifts today. I'm 5'9, you're not 5'9. You're not 5'9, 5'10, no, 5'10.

Carlos:

You're 5'6.

ryan:

On a good day.

Carlos:

Yeah, you're 5'6. Carlos is 5'3, 5'6" Carlos is 5'3", 5'2".

Kyle:

I'm 5'5 on my fucking license.

ryan:

Well, you can put. I should have put fucking 5'10 on my license. They would have. That's how we're doing. They would have said slander, yeah, they don't measure shit. Average height for men 5'9 is the average height for Americans, men. Good thing I'm.

Carlos:

Men in the US, not Americans. I don't know why.

ryan:

I threw that in there. Yeah, not Americans Men in the US, damn 5'9", is it?

Carlos:

Neither of you are hitting 5'9". I'm not average.

ryan:

I might be a little way on big dog I'm above average.

Kyle:

Yeah, Ryan, didn't you try to go buy shoe lifts today?

Carlos:

Yeah, you talked about that on one of the episodes.

Kyle:

I did on one of the episodes I did. You pulled the trigger on it, but you couldn't find it.

ryan:

I did pull the trigger. Today I went to Walmart and Target and they only had insoles.

Kyle:

Not thick enough for you to be gaining four inches.

ryan:

No, I want like three and a half inch insoles he said I'm on a shopping spree, I just spent $300.

Carlos:

Let's get some more. Well.

ryan:

I got some gas. I got an Xbox controller. Yeah, got my mom a gift.

Carlos:

You love the Xbox.

Kyle:

Yeah, I think you went a little excessive on the gift for your mom.

ryan:

It was only $110. $113.

Kyle:

Is that what he told us earlier it?

Carlos:

was $113. Yeah, you know what was weird? You said it was they were trying to get you to pay $280. Yeah, they were. Where the fuck are you going that you can haggle off?

ryan:

half the price JCPenney in the mall and you haggled the thing you got.

Kyle:

your mom said I love you, mama.

ryan:

I didn't haggle. She came out and she said I said I want that one and I want to see that one, right, two of them. They said, well, this one's $280.

Carlos:

I said nope, nope, no no, no, no, your mom's not worth $280?.

ryan:

I can't afford $280.

Erick:

What is the perfect gift for?

Kyle:

Mother's Day.

ryan:

Ooh.

Kyle:

I feel like you got to keep it simple For Mother's.

ryan:

Day. For sure, for Mother's Day, just show face and be a good son Like I. Normally get a card. You can't just show up.

Kyle:

Get a card and like some good chocolates like the ball chocolates that have have like nuts in them.

Carlos:

Lindell, the Lindell chocolate Dude, I've been spoiled. It's like $10 a fucking bag.

Kyle:

Yeah dude, but it's worth it. Those chocolates are good as fuck.

ryan:

Dude, the last couple of holidays I've been spoiling the shit out of my mom. She deserves it. I think so. I think so. I gave her that fucking $500 pair of.

Carlos:

Gucci sunglasses, yeah, but those are beyond For years. That doesn't count. You can't say I fucking yeah, that's not a gift.

ryan:

They were nice, though? No, they weren't.

Carlos:

No, they weren't.

ryan:

No, they fucking weren't they were fucking stained with fog, they were stained with salt. They were gross.

Carlos:

Gross yeah, you can't be like oh, I gave my mom a $500 gift. That's like a re-gift.

Kyle:

It is a re Years later. You think she still wears them.

Carlos:

Yeah, she's never worn them a day in her fucking life. She's like oh, thank you, Ryan, she said this is so nice.

Kyle:

Yeah, she's wearing those.

Carlos:

It's like when you're a kid and you get a fucking bolt, you get clothes for Christmas.

Kyle:

You were given. Oh, that's all I got growing up as a kid from my grandparents yeah, you're a higher weight, you're a higher weight.

Carlos:

Mother's Day gifts, flowers, chocolates is a good go.

ryan:

Oh good, Now Kyle wants to divert and we're fucking getting off topic here.

Carlos:

You always talk about you, me, me, me. It's all, ryan, ryan, ryan. Shut the fuck up for once.

Kyle:

Kyle wants to talk about himself.

Carlos:

Let me talk about me.

Kyle:

So chocolates card, chocolates flowers, for sure, flowers die.

Carlos:

Yeah, well, that's why I mean.

Kyle:

Every time I've gotten my wife flowers, they've just fucking died. Yeah, obviously you got to throw them away.

Carlos:

You can't keep them alive. They're fucking cut from the stem. No, fuck that I'm not getting any flowers, but you get flowers. They look pretty for a little bit. It's like a candle.

Kyle:

A candle fucking runs out at some point. What I'll do is I'll get her a card and then I'll sign it, and then I'll make it look like the baby signed it with like scribbles.

ryan:

Yeah, that's nice.

Kyle:

I'll just put the pen in her hand.

ryan:

Well, that's how your handwriting looks, like my handwriting.

Carlos:

Yeah don't talk shit about handwriting. Yours is fucked up. Why is that? You look like you never went to school. I mean you didn't, but I mean technically.

Kyle:

I did. He didn't last as long as he did in school, but Everybody knows Ryan didn't graduate. Yeah, jokes on.

Carlos:

Ryan. Jokes on Ryan. Ryan didn't graduate high school. Everybody laughed at him. It's fucking hilarious. Don't make fun of Ryan for not graduating high school. Don't make fun of Ryan.

Kyle:

I did graduate high school.

Carlos:

No, you didn't.

ryan:

A GED does not fucking count.

Kyle:

Did you? Walk across the stage I went to the ceremony.

Carlos:

You went to the ceremony.

Kyle:

You went to the ceremony, you were supposed to be in you were supposed to graduate from.

ryan:

I was living in Daytona, I would fucking never do that I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that, I did it. Did you go see my?

Kyle:

boys. You congratulated your boys for graduating, and then I went back to Daytona and I went back home.

Carlos:

Fuck yeah, that's rough man, that's rough dude. Well, all right, fellas, I think that's a fucking podcast.

Kyle:

That is a full episode. That's a full episode, I think we've given them enough.

Kyle :

Yeah, that's enough fuel, enough to chew on for another week We've added some more fuel to the fire, for sure.

ryan:

Nobody and I'll fire for sure nobody and I I'll nobody make fun of ryan, don't make fun of, don't make fun of, kyle. He's sensitive. Ryan is sensitive, kyle and his insecurities.

Kyle:

Well, we appreciate all listeners. Yeah, I think we're at like 400 uh in total for the month. Something, something, five episodes. They keep growing yeah, keep listening we appreciate it, we we see all of you guys check out the instagram.

Carlos:

Eric works really hard on our post.

ryan:

Yeah, he's trying to. He's trying to market.

Kyle:

It's in here fucking cooking up watch it, share it, reply, ask us questions.

ryan:

Spotify make fun of ryan apple podcast don't make fun of me, make fun of carlos. Apparently carlos is the uh, I'm the odd man out, he's the hot man out yeah everybody thinks kyle gay, I'm the dopest and Carlos is just there. I'm just here, yeah.

Carlos:

Like rate, subscribe. Do what you do. Share.

Erick:

If you want to give us your number, we will call you.

Kyle:

Yeah, we'll call you. You'll be on the pod. Don't give us your number. Kyle's probably going to call you in the middle of the night, the Germans, thank you, they're still there there's five of them now we got nine downloads in Europe Europe.

Carlos:

Europe.

Kyle:

We're holding strong at 225 in the.

ryan:

US. If there's any females out there, please bang Kyle's line.

Kyle:

Cool there's any drags, bang Kyle's line, louisiana. There's five of them over there. You Kyle's line. If there's any drags, bang Kyle's line, louisiana. There's five of them over there.

ryan:

You inbred sons of bitches. They relate to Ryan. What the hell is that? Frankfurt, that's Germany.

Carlos:

You're the one bringing them in, man.

ryan:

Frankfurt, that's Germany. Nice, virginia, virginia Beach Damn, my boy lives out there. Watula. Damn, what Wachula.

Erick:

Damn what's Wachula LA New?

ryan:

York, orange Park. Shit fuck ya. Waco Springs.

Kyle:

Kyle Texas.

Carlos:

No way, we got two in Kyle Texas. Let's go.

ryan:

Vienna, italy. Let's link up. Dude Shit. What the fuck is Bradford? Bradford, give us a call, give us a like Immokalee Florida. I wonder what the fuck is out there.

Carlos:

Shit, it don't matter. Any suggestions. Anything we're doing wrong, anything Ryan's doing wrong, let him know. Constructive criticism.

ryan:

It's always on me. It's always on me. I gotta reach out, we'll fucking answer anything. Yeah.

Kyle:

We're out here.

Carlos:

So we appreciate it. It's all bullshit anyways.

Kyle:

We're out here, fuck it. Newest lows.

ryan:

We're hanging out.

Kyle:

Hit us up.

ryan:

Goodbye, bye.

Carlos:

That's a podcast.