Newest Lows

Episode 9: New Kyle

• Newest Lows • Episode 9

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Ever wonder why some people seem to be mosquito magnets while others remain bite-free? Goomba's got some hilarious theories about blood types and those relentless Florida mosquitoes, all while sharing his adventures from attending his brother-in-law's high school graduation and fishing in the Everglades.

From Kyle's transformation from a ripped gym-goer to a more relaxed persona, to Ryan's unexpected casino win and encounter with baseball player Hanley Ramirez, this episode is packed with personal anecdotes and laughter. 

We don't hold back on bold statements and hypothetical scenarios, whether we're discussing masculinity, sexuality, or the fine art of road rage. With heartfelt moments about personal growth, self-love, and the quirks of everyday life, this episode promises to be a genuine and humorous journey through the ups and downs of friendship and personal transformation.

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Kyle:

Walking in to another episode, the Goomba is back.

Carlos:

I'm here.

Kyle:

Forgot, I missed last week. Cheers, buddy, cheers are hard sodas. All right, goomba's back, you were gone.

Carlos:

Yeah, you guys said I was like in a water aerobics class or something. Yeah, you were doing something weird.

Kyle:

I wasn't doing that. Enlighten the listeners. What were you doing? That was so much more important than this fucking podcast my little brother-in-law graduated high school.

Carlos:

Yay, congrats, man. Yeah, hung out with the fam, went fishing. Didn't catch shit, caught more than what you have caught. You've gone fishing probably like six times and and I've gone about five catfish. Yeah, that doesn't count.

Kyle:

There's just a couple of Florida boys talking back and forth about catching catfish, oh shit. Fishing in the Everglades, oh yeah.

Carlos:

What do they?

Kyle:

call that Alligator Alley.

Carlos:

Yeah, that's literally what they call it Fucking pussy. We all drove through there, yeah. Dude mosquitoes down there gnarly during the day.

Kyle:

That's why I shouldn't I for real shouldn't live in florida. Mosquitoes are fucking crazy, like something I'm like, like what the fuck do they like? Because they fucking love me. I think it's your blood type.

Carlos:

What kind of blood do you have? I'm pretty sure o positive is like susceptible to more mosquitoes. Those little fucking rats are that smart, they know what fucking blood type you have. No, not rats, mosquitoes, same fucking thing yeah, they smell you.

Kyle:

That's how they fucking find you and bite the shit out of you because but I get fucked up every single time I'm outside. Do you know your blood type?

Carlos:

red, white and blue. Motherfucker, is your flag upside down right now what?

Kyle:

no man, I came in here. You know what I'm doing. What's that? I'm coming in here before you guys start with your fucking bullshit. I'm coming in here with only positive, a positive attitude, positive vibes oh really, for the first time I've ever, everybody says I'm an asshole.

Kyle:

I'm only coming in positive, you're changing, I'm gonna. I'm gonna change. I'm on a journey right now to change how I act around you guys, how I treat you guys. I know I make you feel bad sometimes, apparently. Well, we're not, we're not women, so but I'm gonna, I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna try to do that and change for you guys when, when are you starting that?

Carlos:

Right now, as of right now? Yes, did the last pod really put your attitude in perspective? No, I just think it would be good for me, because every woman that talks to you says that you're a fucking dickhead. Well, I mean, leilani said it like 50 times last to each his own.

Kyle:

To each his own. Maybe girls like a nice guy. I thought I was a nice guy, but apparently I'm not, so now I have to change yeah tell me more about your fishing. That sounds very cool. Well, you've gone fishing too a couple times. Sure, I'm not a big fishing guy, but yeah, like northern fishing, alaska fishing, you've been fishing in alaska. I have been in alaska.

Carlos:

Yeah, it was fucking sick kind of fishy you catch up there halibut salmon fat fish, big old motherfuckers yeah yeah, I was peeping your instagram you looked at my instagram. I was creeping. I was looking at old Kyle, I was like damn, that's another thing.

Kyle:

I'm going to fucking become very popular on Instagram. You think so Because I'm going to. I've been in very good shape in my life. I'm going to get back in very good shape and document the entire thing on Instagram and become an influencer.

Carlos:

Is that right.

Kyle:

Fitness influencer.

Carlos:

Look at this guy Shut the fuck up. Look at that. Look at that, Kyle dude, you're ripped.

Kyle:

I don't like looking at these guys. Dude, you were fucking hot.

Carlos:

What happened, dude? If you look like that, you could be an asshole. See that tricep Shit, dude. Why does your mouth look like that? You literally took a picture of your bicep just flexed. That's called a tricep man. You're a tool, dude. I want, I will. You were one of those douchebags back in the day, though.

Kyle:

Dude, I'm going to have 100,000 followers on Instagram if I document this journey.

Carlos:

You want to be the next Bradley Martin.

Kyle:

I could be. We'll just see how far I can go. Oh shit.

Carlos:

That's a good fucking picture. I like that picture. Oh, now we're on Ryan's fucking.

Kyle:

Instagram oh, look at that.

Carlos:

Look at that boy cashed out. How much did you win right there. Look at that. Look at that boy cashed out. How much did you win right there, like 350. 350?

Kyle:

350. Hell yeah, you put that on your Instagram.

Carlos:

What was the caption?

Kyle:

I think I put a wolf that looks like a horse. It's a wolf.

Carlos:

That's a wolf Damn.

Kyle:

I'm swagged the fuck out bitch Big Slots guy why you wear your hat so fucking high on your head like that Me, no, Ryan.

Carlos:

In that fucking picture. Oh, in that picture I like wearing it like that. See my Instagram's more.

Kyle:

Who's that big black guy you're standing next to?

Carlos:

Hanley Ramirez. Hanley Ramirez, man, who the fuck is that? He's a professional baseball player. He's a Red Sox legend. I kind of saw him randomly at Best Buy.

Kyle:

Very cool. Yeah, tell me more about that. What is up with you, man? I'm just trying to fucking come in.

Carlos:

I don't like positive Kyle. I don't like Teddy Bear Kyle either.

Kyle:

Call me a bitch. Why would I say something like that to you? You call everyone that you guys are my friends.

Carlos:

Why would I treat you that way? Oh, so we're your friends. We're going to have to stop being friends if you keep acting like this. Yeah, that's weird man. Don't do that. What have you guys been up?

Kyle:

to this week.

Carlos:

I've been with you every single fucking day this week, cocksucker. Yeah, Ryan was telling me that you guys shared the same blanket and watched some or something. I wanted to. No, this motherfucker took the fucking good room. He made five of us share a fucking bathroom and a shower.

Kyle:

Did you let anyone use your bathroom? Yeah, I said, everybody could use my bathroom.

Carlos:

I used it once. To do what? Take a shower. What'd he do in there? Took a shit and took a shower. Shit the shower.

Kyle:

Yeah, he was in there for like fucking two hours, so it holds true then it's like Jesus.

Carlos:

Christ, you shit the shower. I shit the shower, damn. So you had Ryan's shit All on your floor. No, I broke Kyle's toilet and he didn't even shit in it. Yet I took the first shit in it. Yeah, you let him shit in your Toilet first. That's what I do. No then Kyle fucking ordered us. It was good. Some fucking Was it Kabuca, bubba Koo's, bubba Koo's Burritos and I was fucking dying. Both of us were dying. Oh, it fucked you up Bad.

Kyle:

Yeah, it was fucked up. Hey, the workers. I love the workers there. I love all those people. They're nice. The food is. As I was eating it I was like this is going to fucking give me diarrhea for sure. They have like weird. They have like a garlic Parmesan chicken burrito Interesting.

Carlos:

It's like I feel like that shouldn't go together.

ryan:

Is that the one you got?

Kyle:

And it was fucked up. I woke up at like three 30 in the morning and sat on the toilet for an hour Cause I was like, holy fuck, I like went and laid back down. You get like the sharp pain. You're like it's not over yet. Fuck, just let the floodgates open.

ryan:

It's not fucking over.

Carlos:

What'd you do, ryan, after that food? Yeah, I shit at the Airbnb and then I shit twice at the job. Damn Holy fuck.

Kyle:

Yo, any job that we're on, the bathrooms are destroyed. Ryan single-handedly destroys every single bathroom we come in contact with, oh easily. Yeah, good, good for you, man. You remember that one?

Carlos:

I appreciate it. That one job we were on and those ladies walked in on you yeah, they were taking a shit they opened the door. That was the Daytona Beach one. They opened the door on me just fucking blowing up a bathroom.

Kyle:

On like a fucking day. He was just fucking blowing up a bathroom. Well, they have like Pins down and all.

Carlos:

No, no, jimmy did open. They have like a little code thing when you can open it up. And I locked it and they put the code in and they opened it up. My pants were on my ankles Like oh, who is it?

Kyle:

Well, that doesn't seem like. That doesn't seem like A very good lock If, even if you knew the code, went in and locked it.

Carlos:

Well, no, no. Shitting in the women's bathroom too. It was bad. I had to go. It was because it's the fucking women's course it was a golf course it's the LPGA.

Kyle:

It's all just women out there Just shitting on a private golf course. No, but I'm saying why the fuck would you make it, even if you knew the code? Yeah, even if it was locked To go in there you were a member there, went in with the code in again and it would be unlocked yeah, they open in like five seconds yeah, it's a very. That's not a good lock.

Carlos:

Ryan was like hey yeah, that doesn't make much sense. No, I think you should. They probably you could see. It says like bacon or no non-vegan or something that's port-a-potty, so port-a-johns, carlos, but I feel like they would have the same kind of thing I've never heard port-a-johns. I just started hearing that that was never a term, he just started using that word, a term in my vocabulary.

Kyle:

You love shitting in port-a-potties. You have to do what you have to do sometimes. I've never won shat in a port-a-potty.

Carlos:

How many times a day do you think you shit? Three, really, I feel like it should be more. Three, I feel like it should be more Three.

Kyle:

I feel like you shit a lot. I do. I think is it twice a day is healthy.

Carlos:

Is it once Depends on how healthy the shit is, though. Well, this motherfucker Kyle. Last week he was fucking dying. He's like bro, I gotta go. Dude is fucking coming to wave me and I'm not going. You were shitting all last week. No, he held it, it was on strong.

Kyle:

Why do you do that? Our very first day out there I told you I will fucking die before I shit in the public. In a public you're gonna get a hernia and I did. I suffered for three and a half hours probably. Why do you do that? I felt, like I couldn't move. It was like waves. They're just coming and going.

Kyle:

I was like dude, I thought I was thinking about going like for real, out into the woods. I'd rather shit out there than in a fucking public restroom. What's your problem? I don't know. I just don't like it.

Carlos:

Normally you like touching men's ass.

Kyle:

I'm trying to stay positive here. But you do continue to spread a vicious rumor about me that other people are hearing and think it.

Carlos:

I don't know, man, because every time someone asks you if you like women or puss or something, you stumble over your words. They feel so good Late on, he's like you like type pussy and you're like.

Kyle:

Yeah, we all like type pussy, right guys Feels good, Exactly.

ryan:

That stuff feels so good, exactly.

Kyle:

You get to fucking squeeze their fucking bums.

Carlos:

Mmm, all right. Watch too many videos, that stuff feels good. Tell me I'm fucking vulgar Dude.

Kyle:

Did you see? Fucking Trump is getting convicted.

Carlos:

30, 34 felony counts.

Kyle:

That's wild. My fucking, fucking, my messiah is getting convicted.

Carlos:

My leader can you be a felon and still run for president?

Kyle:

no, no no, I don't think, you think he's gonna. There's no way he does like actual jail time no, with 34, you crazy he'll just go in and take a picture again.

Carlos:

Well, there's absolutely.

Kyle:

I feel like it's just tying him up in court right now, because now he's going to have to appeal it and do another trial with a different judge. They're just tying him up in court so he fucking can't run for president. That would make sense. Those fucking lib fucks. Nope, I'm sorry, positive, calm it down, kyle, calm it down, kyle, calm down, buddy. I respect everybody's right to choose whatever fucking political party you want to be a part of. I did see a video, though, of like a house camera, like a nanny cam inside, and it was this lady who was watching, like the uh, the verdict. And as soon as it got it came out that he was convicted on all 34. She fucking freaked out. I was like fuck you, motherfucker, yes, oh shit. She was like texting on her phone like voice text, like trump got convicted, fuck him.

Carlos:

Like sending it to like all her contacts like dude, that's wild, these fucking people are going nuts I just I don't like I mean that's opposite than what I'm about to say, but like, like Trumpers make it their personality, like it's like their life no it's a lifestyle.

Kyle:

Yeah, so it's a lifestyle Dude. I honestly didn't follow any of it.

Carlos:

I don't even know why he's on trial. No, I don't either that in the last campaign?

Kyle:

Yeah, because he gave.

Carlos:

Stormy Daniels or something hush money after they said that she's a whore, she's a porn star, yeah, and she, apparently she didn't even want to go to trial. They just Federally, they just did it.

Kyle:

I've said it before I support sex work. I'm sure you do, so does Ryan, apparently I do. We're not smart enough to understand that trial or what's going on.

Carlos:

Yeah, that's above our head, yeah we already know it's not going to affect us at all.

Kyle:

Ryan's going to vote for Biden. We know this. No the fuck, I am not.

Carlos:

Daddy Biden. Nope, are you voting this year? I am you can't say you're going to vote for it, it'll void the ticket I voted in 2020. I told you guys this I'm a registered voter in the state of Florida, nice Republican Party.

Kyle:

You're a.

ryan:

Republican yeah.

Kyle:

I think I technically am now. You had to. I had to put it on my what is it?

Carlos:

independent my DMV shit you can do both. Yeah, but I'm Republican Party. Yeah, you would fit in the Republican Party. I went to one of them. Was it fucking lit Hell?

ryan:

yeah, it was lit. Hell yeah, dude, everyone was like real tired.

Kyle:

This was in Florida, Carlos, not fucking Alabama, that doesn't matter you ever see Trump go to I think it was India where it's like a sea of fucking Indian people, indian dudes, just fuck. Yeah, they fucking love Trump dude it. I love Trump dude. It was like a fucking full-on music festival concert.

Carlos:

Other countries love Trump. They love him, dude, like Cubans, puerto Ricans, they love him. I fucking hate Cubans and Puerto Ricans.

Kyle:

I'm sorry Ryan. What Be nice man, Dude. I'm trying to turn this into a family-friendly, positive podcast, oh you are.

Carlos:

Shut the fuck up. We're falling to your detriment already. We need to be more inclusive.

Kyle:

We need to bring on guests of different, maybe more open-minded. Yes, you, you do why is that? You're a very close-minded person no I don't mean that as an attack, I'm saying this to you.

Carlos:

He's saying it positively yeah he's gonna watch his words.

Kyle:

He's gonna bite his words now as a constructive criticism. You're very close minded. No, I am not that's, but that's just how I feel why do you say that I don't? What brings you to that, that statement? I just think Ryan is very set in his ways oh, he is you're saying this to me. I am. You're fucked.

Carlos:

Ryan is very set in his ways. Oh, he is. You're saying this to me. I am. You're fucked. Ryan, have you changed your fashion since you were suggested to you look better today? Yeah, I told them. I said I took it easy. Today Does my outfit look fucking better Because apparently I don't know how to fucking dress.

Kyle:

It does, Well, and fuck that Talking speaking fuck that Speaking of fashion.

ryan:

I apologize.

Kyle:

Sorry, we're cussing. Yeah, me and Carlos are wearing the same outfit we wore a couple episodes ago. Yeah this wasn't planned. Let me fucking be free, man. I don't have a fucking big wardrobe like that. I didn't spend a ton of money on clothes like one of us in here. One of us yeah Me spend a ton of money on clothes.

Carlos:

Like one of us in here, one of us, yeah Me, I love spending money on clothes.

Kyle:

I don't wear a lot of different clothes. You know what it's called, Kyle. You know why? Because I grew out of a lot of it.

Carlos:

Jesus.

Kyle:

But I save them. I'm saving them for my fucking journey back into being the For your comeback.

Carlos:

I could still fit in this shit when I was like 16. Like all my old polo shit and all that. Are you like the same size? Yeah, Jesus man.

Kyle:

No, I save all of it. 90% of my closet is shit I can't fit anymore. But I see it and I'll go through and I'm like I'll be back.

Carlos:

I'll wear that again. Can you wear a tight shirt for us one day, I guess? Wait, that shirt isn't tight.

Kyle:

This one it's stretchy. Oh yeah, it is. That's the fat guy. You just gotta wear stretchy shit stretchy pants.

Carlos:

Well, this is stretchy. You're not fat. You're not a fat guy, I'm skinny guy.

Kyle:

That's what we said that's funny, though, cause you like you don't match that trope of like every, every chick. You're always like, oh, the skinny guy's got the biggest dicks. This, but not not you. When the fuck have I ever said that? I'm saying girls say that, they say wow, you gotta give the like the nerdy little skinny guy a chance, cause they got big fucking dongers.

Carlos:

That was mentioned on the last pod, though but you don't got that you said you did to each his own. My brother, you love talking about your dick. You do bring that up. A lot about what?

Kyle:

about your dick. It's like speaking to a fucker. It's like speaking to a fucker. I'm sorry, I thought you were trying to be, nicer speaking to a fucker.

ryan:

I'm sorry, buddy. He was gonna say it's like speaking to a fucking wall that's fine, a brick one you know what my mom used to say to me.

Kyle:

I would like stand in front of her while she was trying to watch TV, tv, and she was like you make a better wall than a window, damn.

Carlos:

Your mom used to roast. You like that.

Kyle:

I'd be like where are we going? I'd ask her a few times when are we going? We're going crazy, but never tell me where the fuck we were going. It would make me so mad I see where you get it from I'm going to fucking kill you bitch, Would you?

Carlos:

say you have your mom's personality.

Kyle:

My mom's. I look like my mom a lot. Yeah, she's a beautiful lady, then it's the eyes dude. I appreciate that.

Carlos:

It's the eyes. We heard about that. We heard about Kyle, me and Ryan both got very stellar compliments.

Kyle:

Did you Earlier this week?

Carlos:

did you? That was a good compliment, but it's the first one I've had in a while. In a while, what'd they say? She told me I was very hot after looking at my ID who was it?

Kyle:

we were buying beer. She looked at her ID and said, ooh, he's hot right in front of us is that right?

ryan:

was she hot?

Carlos:

I'm trying to just think of a way to describe her. You dumbfounded Alright, alright. Defensive lineman For the New York Giants, jesus.

Kyle:

She might have been Bigger than that. I think she might have Been bigger than that.

Carlos:

She ended on the O-line then. So wait, take us through it. What happened? Buying beer. So you went to the gas station. I was buying beer. She asked me for my ID. I handed her my ID. I got a sideways ID. She turned to sideways and she said Ooh, he's hot, is that right? I said, oh, fuck. I said yeah, the picture's a couple of years old, you know. I said. She said, ooh, let me hand this back to you. I got let me contain myself. No way, oh God, wasn't, wasn't Kyle with you. Kyle was with me. But a retard, damn kyle, what'd you do?

Kyle:

I do have a hard time sitting in those type of situations and being present, because the only thing I want to do is get the fuck out of this situation. I had my hat on. She was like staring at me jesus, my fucking nose is running. She was staring at me and I looked at her and she was like why you? Why are you wearing a hat? I was like your eyes are so pretty. I'm like oh, my God, you got such pretty eyes, why are you hiding them like that? And I was like I don't know, it was a long drive.

Carlos:

So you're telling me she was bigger than you and Kyle put together?

Kyle:

Easily. I'm a big guy. She's bigger than me, height-wise and girth yeah she was tall as fuck, damn.

Carlos:

I'm sure she was a very lovely lady, she was a nice lady, but goddamn, fuck me to tears. I don't know about that. She would. She would fuck you to tears, wouldn't she?

ryan:

Don't you want to get?

Carlos:

suffocated from a bitch like that, ryan would have died. Dude, it's like the racetrack we go to.

Kyle:

Out here.

Carlos:

Yep, there's that tall Female worker up there. She fucking loves my ass, dude.

ryan:

Yeah.

Kyle:

You wonder why. Why don't you like them? You like that. You like the old Crackhead looking one, though you always Chopping up with her.

Carlos:

Yeah, it's cause they're both white.

ryan:

She called me her Fucking boo bear that shit was so weird, she calls you boo bear.

Carlos:

She calls me her boo bear.

Kyle:

I've been in there with you a couple times and we've walked out I was like damn, you're like chatty in there, you're like a little chatty fucking girl in there.

Carlos:

A little chatty cat.

Kyle:

Talking to all these fucking weird ass. Ladies working at a racetrack Is that where you pull.

Carlos:

I'm just a nice guy, dude. It seems like someone, there's a type that likes you.

Kyle:

Yeah, you get really in-depth and like personal. No, I do not. Yeah, you talk like you talk to them like you gossip about shit shut the fuck up.

ryan:

Shut the fuck up like a gossip dare I say, box lady yeah, cardboard lady, there is a I did, I did.

Kyle:

yeah, you did, I did that. Yeah, you do always want that. You want the homeless and or crackhead heroin head to be the same ones. You don't want a revolving door of those guys, you want the same ones. They kind of integrate into the economy. Everybody knows them. They're not. You don't fuck with them, but they're not going to fuck with you. That's who he fucks with, but Ryan fucks with that. No, no, didn't you hit her, didn't you hit her?

ryan:

in the car.

Kyle:

Hey who, I was joking. We can't talk about that.

ryan:

You're just going to get kidnapped one day.

Carlos:

I already got kidnapped, buddy. You've been kidnapped before Daytona Bike Week 2018. Damn.

ryan:

That was the exact date. It was like Normandy Dude, it was like my fucking Remember.

Carlos:

Dude, it was like my fourth day in Daytona. At this point I had just moved there. It was Ryan's D-Day.

Kyle:

How old were you?

Carlos:

18. You're 18 years old, in Daytona Just a weekend? No, I had an apartment down there, yeah, but you're a weekend to living in Daytona? Yeah, no, not even. We played like four days.

Carlos:

And what happened? It's me and two of my boys. I got too fucked up. They were driving my car in my fucking Malibu. I stormed off, see, I was going to go find my car.

Carlos:

I ended up on a bridge and the last thing I remember is walking past a group of bikers and they said something to me. I told them to suck my dick and then I woke up in the hood at a gas station. My braces were all fucked up, sticking out of my mouth and shit. Like the gas station workers were there like trying to call the cops and shit. And like I had to buy a charger and plug my phone in no way. Hell, yeah, I had up in a retention pond, like on the grass of a retention pond, with a fence around it.

Carlos:

Alright, well, that's a lot to process, alright. So you were walking, okay, your boys took your car? No, no, no, they had my keys. They were still at the club. I left the club. I don't know what the fuck happened. And and he walked by these bikers and they said something to me and I told him to suck my dick and that's the last thing you remember until I woke up in a retention pond, like on the grass of a retention pond, in like a fenced in area.

Carlos:

Jesus man didn't you say? You got back to your crib and all your boys were there. They were just sitting on my couch and I walked in. What the fuck? Where have you been?

ryan:

I don't fucking know.

Carlos:

They stomped on your braces, they stomped on your face, something like that. Yeah, did they steal anything? No, I stole my wallet, my phone. I didn't have my keys because they had my keys. Well, at least they were cool about it. They just beat your ass and left you. They just beat my ass and left me on some grass, you still had your shoes on your feet. Yeah, I had everything.

Kyle:

Damn, that's the biker way, man they have morals those bikers are they? Do they have a fucking code? Well, I don't know why I told them to suck my dick.

Carlos:

I think I was mad because my boys couldn't find me.

Kyle:

First thing I said suck my fucking dick yeah, you do that sometimes you do tell everyone to suck your dick you pop off a lot on things like you won't even hear what somebody says and you'll be like fuck you.

Carlos:

Yeah, you'll pop off. I feel like you do pop off pretty often, unlike strangers.

ryan:

Yeah.

Kyle:

Do you think it has something to do with your low IQ? And now that's not me coming at you. Are you being positive?

Carlos:

He's not being positive, it is.

Kyle:

You took the test. We saw the results. Kyle took the test. It is objectively low. What'd you score?

Carlos:

One point above mental retardation.

Kyle:

For real On the national IQ scale.

Carlos:

Hold up, wait, what did you get? 76. That's for children.

ryan:

This is for adults, it's not children.

Carlos:

He's this is for I'm 24. I'm 24 years old. This is for adults, it's not children. He's trying to help you out, man, you're still very low.

Kyle:

Yeah, 70 to 75.

Carlos:

Yeah, no, it said 76 to 79 Was just above mental retardation. 70 to 75 Was mental retardation.

Kyle:

Your borderline mental disability.

Carlos:

That's literally what it says. Oh, borderline.

ryan:

Damn your borderline, damn You're borderline.

Carlos:

That's fucked. No, that's awesome. Did you actually try on the test or were you just trying to click on any answer? I tried, I did, I did and you scored a 76. I scored a 76. Well, the questions were fucked. Dude, those are hard. Did you take the test too, kyle?

ryan:

Yeah, he didn't pay for it. Kyle probably scored a fucking 25.

Carlos:

So, you had to pay for them, to tell you that it was $2.

Kyle:

Granted. Yeah, it was just a random online test, but even on mine it's all weird pattern recognition shit.

Carlos:

That's all it was. It's like does the horse have three or four legs, or something like that? No, no, no.

Kyle:

It's like throw shapes like patterns, like six different pictures, and they're all like flipped weirdly and P and pieces taken out.

Carlos:

It kind of was like Tetris a little bit.

Kyle:

Yeah, and then you're supposed to like, then they'll show you a different angle of the picture and you match like whatever's missing I can see that being pretty confusing.

Carlos:

It was hard. Yeah, it was, it was. It was 50 questions, five different segments, 10 questions a segment. Yeah, that's too much, man not 70, what'd you get?

Kyle:

76?

Carlos:

yeah, it wasn't that hard so where's your fucking results at then? Well, didn't we have another guy that tested and he scored like a 110 yeah, guy tested right after you. He's more fucked than I am. He's more retarded than I am not according to the standard IQ.

Kyle:

Yeah, it said he wasn't. But at least now you do always talk about trying to get a fucking handicap placard, you might be able to get one.

Carlos:

You were just one question too good, damn.

ryan:

You could have got disability. I was close.

Carlos:

You could have just fucking, but no, I, I was close, I was fucking close. I was telling Kyle that because we kept driving in all these handicapped spots, there's fucking Chargers there, mercedes there. I'm like why the fuck can I park my Kia in there? Because you're not handicapped. I can be handicapped, you're almost handicapped, but you ain't there yet.

Kyle:

You fully tried. You didn't even have to bomb the test. You fully tried and you almost got the handicap. I gave it 110% effort.

Carlos:

Maybe you should. I know I haven't even told my mom about that yet. Why would you See what she has to say? You told everyone else and you didn't like that. I should have just taken that one to the grave.

Kyle:

Yeah, if I scored that low on IQ. I'm not telling my mom why she thinks I'm a fucking little smart, handsome man.

Carlos:

My mom knows I'm fucked. She doesn't think you're smart or handsome. She knows I can.

ryan:

I can make it work, I guess no, I'm no, no, no, get the fuck out of here. Wait, wait, wait. You said that wrong.

Carlos:

You know that your mom can. She knows you can make it work. Yeah, I'm talking'm talking about life, motherfucker. Alright, thanks for being clear.

Kyle:

Yeah, you gotta explain those things. It sounded very strange. Yeah, they sound weird.

Carlos:

man, I'm talking about my mom. Kyle, Get your fucking mind out of the gutter. You're supposed to be in a positive attitude here.

Kyle:

Positive Kyle, you'd be surprised how many parents touch their kids, whoa, and how many kids touch their parents.

ryan:

Whoa.

Kyle:

It's true, that's a dark place. It's very dark, it's not funny. It's not funny, it's not funny, that should not be joked about. I've always had that thought Like dude, what the fuck Like? You never know until you've already had your baby girl.

Carlos:

Dude, do not bring her into this. Do not Dude.

Kyle:

No, Don't bring my daughter into this. There's no funny business going on, no but you never know until you have a child. That's all I'm saying. So how the fuck can we move on? Sure we can move on. How?

Carlos:

the fuck, do you know?

Kyle:

nobody knows until they have a child. But you're speaking like you know about what I know the statistics.

Carlos:

I'm a van. He's a fucking connoisseur. I told you he's a fucking connoisseur. He's always. I don't think that's the right word man, I've seen documentaries. Condescending. No, he's a connoisseur Of what the weirdest fucking shit in the world. Is there a Reddit poll about this? A Reddit page.

Kyle:

No see, there's all types of shit.

Carlos:

Why the fuck are you watching documentaries about this?

Kyle:

There's documentaries on everything. I've fucking watched a documentary about fucking hundreds of dolphins getting murdered in Japan. I did see clips from that one. That was fucked up.

Carlos:

That was fucked. You know, what I saw today was of them cornering whales and them dragging them to the beach and killing them so they can take their meat. Jesus, yeah, bro, those.

Kyle:

Japanese are fucked up. Was it Japanese Jesus?

ryan:

Yeah, bro, those Japanese are fucked up. Was it Japanese? Yeah, yeah, it was a Rogan clip.

Carlos:

It was a Rogan clip. He was on there and he brought some whale meat to him and Rogan's like I'm not eating that shit.

Kyle:

Yeah, dude, it's fucking wild. I can't remember. It's not Blackfish, it was a documentary that got fucking. There's a dude trying to film this. They have a cove in fucking japan, yeah, where they would just have all these dolphins come in.

ryan:

they'd block it off and they'd literally go out there with spears, yes, and just fucking kill all of these dolphins?

Kyle:

the entire fucking ocean would be red with their blood. God damn, what are these dogs doing out there?

Carlos:

dolphin soup yeah, dolphins have pretty high iqs actually apparently they're very smart.

Kyle:

I don't know how we know this, but apparently they're smart. Yeah, I just re-watched all the planet of the apes, all the planet of the apes, the three of them did you see the new? One before I see the new one. I haven't seen it yet, but they're, they're smart in that movie. They're very smart do you think?

Carlos:

if we got a chimp and Ryan put them in a room together, who do you think would win?

Kyle:

Ryan's not winning.

Carlos:

I'm fucking that chimp what.

Kyle:

How big though Ryan-sized A Ryan-sized chimp Dude. Those things are strong, strong as fuck yeah bro. Yeah, everyone's getting fucked up first I wouldn't. I wouldn't handle if I wouldn't be able to handle a chimp ryan size no, no, I don't think anyone can that fucking lady got her face ripped off for not giving that one a fucking piece of birthday cake or something. Oh yeah, that's true. That's true. Remember that horrific fucking call I was thinking more.

Carlos:

I was thinking more mental, though you think a fucking, a fucking chimp is smarter than me. That's what I'm asking.

Kyle:

Mentally.

Carlos:

You think if they both had shapes and shit they had to put together, Well, in that movie they give the chimps the apes.

Kyle:

It's called Jacob's Ladder or whatever. It's like three pegs with four different size stacks. You're supposed to move that full stack from biggest to smallest to the other side, but you can't stack a bigger one on top of a smaller one. Right, right, and apparently I don't think Ryan would be able to solve it.

Carlos:

I don't think. So what do you think, Ryan? What the fuck is up with you guys' ass today? Nothing. We're being positive.

Kyle:

Yeah, we're being positive, we're trying to help you out.

Carlos:

Help me out with what we're just trying to figure this out, if I'm smarter than a fucking chimp.

Kyle:

I want you to get some fucking social security money coming through for your retardation.

Carlos:

We're trying to reap you benefits. I don't think you really make any money from being fucking disabled you do you get some money from the government? Yeah, check, fucking disabled.

Kyle:

You do you get some money from the government? Get checked Parade of rent? No, I don't think so.

Carlos:

You might have to move in with your mom again.

Kyle:

You get to park closer to Publix, don't have to walk as far. Oh, that's fucking pretty cool. That is pretty cool.

Carlos:

Just whooping the Kia. Can they drive? Some of them can drive.

Kyle:

yes, you kyle with the goddamn thing in them. You think so for sure. Well, the whole thing now is like fucking god damn it. It's women I don't say bitches, it's women just coming out saying they're autistic because they're dickheads. You talking about the crazy carrots? Oh I just I got diagnosed as autistic. That's why I'm a fucking dickhead.

Carlos:

Oh, they're using it as an excuse. Why are you saying they say bitch or cunt, you say dickhead about dudes. Why are you?

ryan:

calling them women.

Kyle:

No dude, no dude, they're just like. They just do like all this fuck shit of being like I'm having an episode I've seen reels on on instagram. They like make their husband go and get them shit when they're having a weird autistic episode. So you're just lying, dumb woman.

Carlos:

You fucking dumb woman yo kyle's about to have an aneurysm, but I think dudes are doing it too, Like why is everybody claiming autism right now? I told you I would claim it if I could, but I can't. I think you can. You would be yeah, you're right up there. Yeah, and you wouldn't even be, it would be true. Or down up there, whichever. Right up there, right down there? Remember that one time when we and uh, I don't know what we were talking about, but that came up and you're like I got an extra chromosome.

Kyle:

I did. I thought that was a guy.

Carlos:

That was a good thing. That means, you have down syndrome.

Kyle:

Yeah, you thought that's made you sound smarter. I did saying that you had an extra chromosome I did.

Carlos:

That's not right. You live and you learn, buddy but it's like all this.

Kyle:

Yeah, the autistic shit is like they say, because they think it like makes them smarter and like more. Because you remember rain man? No, you never saw the movie rain man. No, no, none of you saw the movie fucking rain man with tom cruise and, uh, dustin hoffman. Tom cruise is the brother and dustin hoffman is the fucking autistic guy. No, who's his brother? And finds out he's fucking autistic and really good at numbers and then he like takes him to the casino and he can count cards and he just wins a shitload of money Shit.

Carlos:

I am pretty good at the casino. You are good with numbers, dude. I'm good at the casino 50-50.

ryan:

Me either win or I'm losing.

Carlos:

Have you ever been tested besides the one you did tested? I got tested for ADHD, but they said I don't have ADHD. They were testing for a wrong thing.

Kyle:

It sounds like how do you even test for autism?

Carlos:

it seems like such a a mental health evaluation, I think. Do you think, if you got an autistic test right now, that you would pass? Yeah like that, you would be autistic. Well, if I pass it, then I'm not autistic. You fucking retard, right.

Kyle:

Or is that fucked up? No, you're right, you are correct. Check for you. But I'm saying what does that test look like? I have no fucking idea. Do you like planes? Yes, yeah, it's like. Can you not think about it? Do I like trains? Yeah, or do you like?

ryan:

planes, yes, yeah, it's like. Can you not think about like trains? Yeah, or do you like?

Kyle:

trains. It's like that. That autistic fucking movement makes no sense to me.

Carlos:

Either God or you don't.

Kyle:

It's like are people looking for sympathy?

Carlos:

Dude, what do you think would happen if I went to a therapist and I told her I was really insecure about myself because I scored a 76 on the IQ test?

Kyle:

You would fucking give her $400?.

Carlos:

A therapist they would just hear you and talk to you. $400 to get laid.

Kyle:

You would go in to just what are you?

Carlos:

talking about. He's like Will Ferroff.

Kyle:

What type of therapist are you trying to go to? No, you're my girlfriend. You'd walk in and I guarantee. I guarantee that therapist Jesus Kyle. It's a problem. This is the new Kyle.

Carlos:

The new calm down Kyle. Damn the last pod really Put your shit into perspective, didn't it? I don't like this motherfucker. Yeah, he's, you're weird Give me the other, kyle, you're kind of freaking me out.

Kyle:

Yeah, but the women might like it more.

Carlos:

Nah, I don't think so.

Kyle:

I'd rather them like me than you guys like me.

Carlos:

Are you sure about that? Stop talking in that fucking weird little chomalizing tone.

Kyle:

No, I think you'd go to a therapist and she'd break you immediately and you'd start crying about you. They bring up your past and you just talk about. You'd be crying in there, going through your whole life being like damn, I didn't realize, I repressed this.

Carlos:

This is why I'm so sad and lonely all the time didn't we have that conversation the other day where I was like yo, we should try to like mentally fuck each other?

Kyle:

yeah, you did bring up that weird stuff like we should just like you wanted to see. You said if you and ryan were locked in a room, who would make who cry first?

Carlos:

yes, a mental fucking yeah a mental fuck off and ryan got very angry.

Kyle:

No, I was asking about that. Well, yeah, he started going nuts when you said you thought you could make him cry before he made you cry I was like ryan no, I can't.

Carlos:

You thought you could make him cry before he made you cry. I was like ryan no, I can't. Oh, you motherfuckers could never make me cry, never. What. If I killed your mom, I would fucking brutally murder you. You wouldn't cry, though I would cry like a motherfucker. Yes, there we go.

Kyle:

You lost that you lost, you lost. I'll be at your funeral with her, but, like you, fucking lost.

Carlos:

Like fuck, I did I broke.

Kyle:

You're like giving a speech and I'm just in the fucking crowd Fucking fuck you pussy. No, I believe I think I don't know. It'd be very tough to make me cry by just saying things. It's like I feel like that's like with anything. It's like I've never's like with anything. It's like I've never. You can literally say anything to me. I'm not going to be like yo for real.

Carlos:

Shut the fuck up, dude, don't fucking talk to me, because you're a fucking teddy bear. What?

Kyle:

Sometimes you've. So you're a teddy bear, Kyle. Let's move on. He was going to say sometimes you don't make any sense I was going to try to be nasty to you.

Carlos:

Let's hear it, tell him. Tell him, he wants to hear it.

Kyle:

I'm a nice guy. You're not a fucking nice guy, he's fucking nice. Do you think could anybody say, like, what would somebody have to say to make you cry, To make me cry, or like freak out like that, Like nothing. I don't think I can think of anything.

Carlos:

Cut me a line. I got into an argument with a guy at Publix a couple weeks ago because he cut me a line at the self-checkout. What if I said your pants look stupid right now? I know they look stupid.

Kyle:

I'm confident you know. That's the thing. You don't even have to think very hard about what would make Ryan freak out. It's the smallest shit humanly possible.

Carlos:

You fucking chain that's fine.

Kyle:

That chain is fake, probably yeah, it's definitely fake. It's not fake, no, I think like the very first recording we ever did.

Carlos:

You almost fought somebody in there doing at the elevator yeah, you were coming up to eric's apartment and you almost fought him in the elevator. I did. I asked those motherfuckers if they had something to say to me and they were. They were putting new flooring on the elevator. It was inoperable. I asked them if I could use it. They just looked at they just looked at me.

ryan:

They had caution tape all around not when I was there swear to god, not when I was there.

Carlos:

So you saw guys laying new flooring on an elevator and yeah, and I asked them if I could use it and they looked at me and then I walked away, got like three steps away they started laughing, talking to spanish, so I turned the fuck around and I asked him. I said you got something to fucking say to me? You know what this sounds like. And they said, oh, no English. I said oh, yep, no English. Here we go, buddy.

Kyle:

Here we go. All of every story he says makes sense. Now why? Because of his 76 IQ, he's not able to ride it.

Carlos:

Yeah, would you want to ride up with me? I'll give him a little 10-minute break, 5-minute break. If I was working on the elevator and someone was like, can I ride it, I'd say, shit, go ahead, buddy, I'll take a break. No, you wouldn't. It makes no sense, man. It makes no sense, dude.

ryan:

Teach his own, my brother to each his own.

Kyle:

My brother, can you clip that please? Oh my god, dude, what else is happening? We talking about Trump? Trump is fucked.

Carlos:

Trump is fucked well, kyle, since you want to be not such a fucking dickhead, why don't you tell everybody why you're not being a dickhead?

Kyle:

yeah, why aren't you tell us about your little? I just feel like I need to change something in myself.

Carlos:

You know throughout this podcast, you've definitely tried to change your attitude. I think so Is it the feedback that you've been getting.

Kyle:

No.

Carlos:

What the fuck are you talking about, Carlos?

Kyle:

I don't think we've gotten any real feedback. We've gotten some.

Carlos:

Because people have told you you're vulgar, you're an asshole. They have said You're a dickhead, you hate women.

Kyle:

I'm vulgar, you're an asshole. They have said you're a dickhead you hate women.

Carlos:

I'm gay, you're gay. Don't clip that. That was wait. You didn't say that was the common doors that was the common doors.

Kyle:

So what is it? I just think I need to change man. I think I you know what it is. What is it, man, finding it very hard to love myself right now? Why so I think I need to very hard to love myself right now.

Carlos:

Why?

Kyle:

so I think, I need to.

Carlos:

Just well, are you at a lot, a lot to love.

Kyle:

What. Are you a lot of love. What the fuck does that mean?

ryan:

Like are you a lot to?

Carlos:

love. Well, is that a condescending question? Is that a genuine question? Yeah, it's a bit condescending. It's about, like, my weight, two inches on my brother. So what is it?

Kyle:

Oh man, before anybody else can love you, you have to love yourself. I've told you this before and I'm. I read a book. I can't. What was the fucking name?

Carlos:

He prayed to his fucking healing rocks.

Kyle:

He's back trying to be very mindful of how I feel at all times and what you say what I say cause you haven't been very mindful about anything that you said lately that's true. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to censor myself. No, maybe I can't show the world what a fucking demon I am.

Carlos:

It's good content.

Kyle:

No, man, it's hard right now. Maybe I'm depressed, but you guys told me I can't talk about that anymore.

Carlos:

You said you weren't depressed. No, I don't think I am you said you can't talk about you killing yourself.

Kyle:

Why not? Why the?

Carlos:

fuck not Whoa.

Kyle:

This is this is kyle coming back out, bring it back together no, I think I just need to change something, because the way it's going right now it's not gonna fucking work you're tearing up a little bit, are you okay?

Carlos:

when I get him, I'm getting emotional man you know guy loves listening to music cry on the beach by himself, dude I do.

Kyle:

Do you know that might be my problem? I've been going back to my like all my sad, sad music and it's like might be fucking up my mental. You are what you surround yourself, because all day at work all I'm listening to is like fucking, really sad stuff why, I like it sounds good.

Carlos:

He needs to feel something. Yeah, whether it's good or bad.

Kyle:

Yeah, maybe I'm just looking for a feel, trying to cop a feel.

Carlos:

Why don't you help him out, ryan? Get the fuck out of here. Don't give a fuck. Get the fuck out of here. Dude, your energy is way off today. Mine yeah, yeah. This fucking week sucked, carlos. It was fucking horrible, dude. Yeah, why don't?

Kyle:

you talk to him, man, talk to him for a while.

Carlos:

Kyle comes back and he's just fucking tearing up on the pod. I'm not fucking tearing up, you are tearing up a little, I see that he is.

ryan:

The waterworks are coming.

Carlos:

God damn it Kyle, god damn it Kyle, damn Kyle's cried, first Kyle cried first.

Kyle:

Oh my god, kyle's cried first, kyle cried first. Oh my God, Kyle cried first. Carlos suffers from like he's always teary eyed. Your eyes are always watering.

Carlos:

We've seen him cry. You've seen me cry. Oh, we have. Yeah, way before this We've seen him. I will give you that he was fucking hammered, though.

Kyle:

I miss my daughter, I miss my baby.

Carlos:

It's the first time I've been away from her. Remember what he did when he came inside? He like went in a little playpen and was sitting there laying down and shit. He was like cuddling his fucking daughter's toys Jesus, it's like oh my God, man, to be frank, or to be fair, I was in my own home. Yeah, you were, I didn't leave. No, you did not leave. I woke up at like two in the morning. I was like where the fuck everyone go?

Kyle:

Yeah, his wife and daughter left for the very first time. We all came over, got drunk and he FaceTimed him and immediately started crying.

Carlos:

Jeez, I'm at one with my emotions. Kyle's scared to show his. That is true, I agree with that.

Kyle:

I'm scared to show emotions. Yes, I don't think that, but I appreciate the Positive feedback. Jesus man, stop it, dude.

Carlos:

Stop it, man. I don't like this Kyle dude.

ryan:

No, neither do I. I don't like this guy. No, neither do I, I don't.

Kyle:

Well, I feel like Ryan only shows like one emotion.

Carlos:

What's that Angry yeah?

Kyle:

Angry or fired up. You just go too fast. I feel sometimes You're fucking.

Carlos:

You don't look at what's in front of you, you just try to go ahead. I get tunnel vision. Bad when I'm trying to get something done. Get the fuck out of my way. Trying to get it done like what?

Kyle:

whatever I need to get done, yeah, he's more of a dickhead than I am. I feel like who, ryan? Yeah, you don't have any like social cues. You don't know what.

Carlos:

What to say to people you just tell them to fuck off, yeah I'm used to talking to you, motherfuckers, all the time.

Carlos:

Well, you gotta if. Okay. Situation here if you are in publics and a guy bumps into you with a car, what are you doing? On accident, if he looks at me and says sorry, then what if he bumps into you and just doesn't say anything, doesn't speak any English and just goes by, what are you doing? Say, hey, motherfucker. What are you doing? No, bro, I'm telling you, the dude cut me in line in public to self check. I've been waiting there for like 10 minutes. He goes and I said hey, hey, he had headphones and I went up and tapped him. I was like you just cut me in line.

Carlos:

Like, oh, my bad, he went to go scanning his shit. I was like if you're gonna scan yours, you're gonna scan mine too. I was like I've been waiting for like 10 minutes. I was like you pay for mine. But if that, I was like get the fuck out of my way, I'm going next. And what happened? He got out of the way and I scanned my shit and went on my merry way. That's the way to handle that kind of situation. Yeah, fuck that. No, there was like four people behind me too.

ryan:

I will give you that, though I will give you that what like? There's certain things where I you know, sometimes you should, you should say something, but in that he might have not even seen you, he didn't he had headphones in.

Carlos:

That's why I went out and tapped him. Yeah, he took his ass to the back of the line and waited his turn. All right.

Kyle:

All right, we're getting somewhere I believe that you say something when it should be said, but then you say it Like you're Want to fight. You always want to fight people.

Carlos:

I don't want to fight people. You just have to Say it like that so they know you mean business.

ryan:

You say like that, mean business.

Carlos:

Would you fight someone About over that Like?

ryan:

what if you just Hell yeah? What if he said Fuck you?

Carlos:

If he was being a dickhead, hell yeah, dickhead, hell yeah. I just started scanning my shit with him. What did he say? Fuck you, broke bitch, it's going to be a problem. Fuck that. I don't give a fuck where we're at, fuck that.

Kyle:

What about, like the gas pump, you're waiting for a gas pump.

Carlos:

That shit happened to me at the 7-Eleven at Daytona before it was right in front of you. What'd you do? No dude, I in. He stepped out of line so I went next. He come up behind me fucking, tapped me on the shoulder. You good, I'm like, yeah, I'm good. What the fuck are you talking about? You want to stand out? Stare at me in the parking lot. I was sitting there yelling at him for like five minutes. Fuck my gas, what fuck you huh, what'd you say?

Carlos:

he asked me if he had a problem and he said yeah. I said all right, that's fine, buddy, I don't give a fuck. All right, you can beat me up any day of the week, fuck that, I don't care. So you'd be okay with just getting your ass beat. Fuck, yeah, I don't give a fuck. Going back to the kidnap retard, I don't give a fuck, I'm sorry, kyle.

Kyle:

Kyle's a fucking teddy bear, big fucking teddy bear, I just know how to talk to people.

Carlos:

You're bad at talking to people you say this, but then you make me talk to everybody. Yeah, that's true, it's funny. Why is it funny? So you do it on purpose. This is a setup. So what if that happened to you, kyle? What would you do If someone cut you in line at Publix?

Kyle:

I don't care.

Carlos:

You'd just let them. I'd be like you let Publix, you, let people walk all over you.

Kyle:

Shit. This is very I don't like this style of questioning.

Carlos:

It's like the first 48 interrogations. Sorry, I'm just asking questions like he was asking Leilani last weekend.

Kyle:

Nah, man, I'm a big guy. Nobody fuck with me, man, everybody fucks with Ryan at. Everybody does Everybody does.

Carlos:

You get fucked with a lot.

Kyle:

I don't know why everybody thinks they can walk over ryan and he says, no, nobody thinks they can walk over me, so I don't have to say anything.

Carlos:

Don't make fun of ryan that's a good way to put it. I'll take that. I'll take that. That's a good way to put it. I'll take that. I'll take that. I'll take that.

Kyle:

That's good yeah, that's good stuff. We're getting't give a fuck. No, but also, most of the time I don't care enough.

Carlos:

Yeah, I feel like I'm the same way.

Kyle:

But I don't like I feel like that in the car, like when I'm driving my mom they always told me like you drive like a fucking grandma, you always. Why are you driving like a grandma? Like never been pulled over, never a ticket, nothing. It's like bro, it's just I'm fucking chilling, I don't care, like I'm never hitting, I'm fucking hitting Behind the semi In the right lane.

Carlos:

Going.

Kyle:

Going 60 on a fucking freeway when y'all motherfuckers Be speeding.

Carlos:

I only speed if I gotta speed.

Kyle:

Going nuts on the road. I won't say I zoom Road rage, but I don't road rage like Ryan does.

Carlos:

I don't fucking road rage either.

Kyle:

Yes, you do. No, I do not. What are you talking about? Don't even try to fucking lie about it.

Carlos:

Bro, what do you do when someone's going too slow in the fast lane and you're behind them In my Kia? Yeah Well, I don't know what I mean. Jesus, I wish I had cruise control. I just throw cruise control on and just be vibing. You don't have cruise control on your car. Fuck, no dude, it's the five sport mode, what?

ryan:

year is it?

Carlos:

2023. Fucking 2023,. Huh, fucking cruise control.

Kyle:

I had an 04 Buickra, had cruise control.

Carlos:

I only have one automatic window. It's my fucking driver's side window. Brand new Kia, brand new. God, it was 16 miles on it. It must have been cheap then, no $32,000. Ryan, don't say that again. Maybe you just don't see the cruise control. No, we don't, no, we don't. They ain't fucking listening. No, we don't, no, we don't.

Kyle:

They ain't fucking listening. No, we don't Fuck the police. Oh Nah, blue Lies. I love you guys, blue Lies, matter, do not pull me over, dude. I've never been pulled over. I fucking hope to god you guys don't pull me over, please.

Carlos:

You don't have to cut that, we'll be fine. I don't give a fuck, I don't care. Tan Silverado. Yeah, and then you said your car yeah, I didn't say what color it was. What license plate do you have?

Kyle:

you got a toyota tacoma or something right, brown f-250, yeah, yeah, sixty thousand dollar truck, that's what I got.

Carlos:

Hell, yeah, that's what I got, I traded, I traded it, I upgraded. For that price, you probably could. They probably give you like 15 for it, though no, they're going to give me like nine for it. Shit Bro, why the?

Kyle:

fuck, are new cars so goddamn expensive?

Carlos:

Everything's so expensive, man, it's fucking crazy. I don't know my buddy that sells cars. He told me for a used car a normal payment right now is like four to 600 and for a new car it's like 800 to 1. Afford that shit? That's not even with insurance, that's just a car net.

ryan:

Yeah.

Carlos:

Dude, my buddy was telling me he's getting people out the door with a Volkswagen, like a little Passat or whatever it is for like $1,300. Out the door, with payment and insurance and everything. $1,300? $1,300. It's like a $1,000 payment plus $300 insurance. Oh shit, I should have fucking gone to college what would that have done for you?

Kyle:

I could have been a doctor man.

Carlos:

You think so, you would have had a fucking great time being a doctor, buddy.

ryan:

You'd have had a great time. What is that supposed to mean?

Carlos:

Put him under anesthesia and all that dude, You'd have been one of them. Look, sir, you're a foot doctor. You don't have to put him under anesthesia all right, like they didn't like that one. No, you didn't. I think that struck a chord, not really. Would you have a? Would you have been an anesthesiologist?

Kyle:

no, I don't think so what kind of medicine? Would you have been an anesthesiologist? No, I don't think so.

Carlos:

What kind of medicine would you have gone into Neurosurgery?

Kyle:

Oh shit, Shut the fuck up, I do brain surgery you do brain surgery?

Carlos:

What kind of brain? Every brain? A nutsack brain or like an actual brain In your mouth? What the fuck is this?

Kyle:

What the fuck does that mean? It's like, ryan, we try to do this podcast and you just come out here and just say, shit, that has nothing to do, doesn't mean anything what do you mean?

Carlos:

doesn't mean anything. You say some random shit, you're just like making up words at this point well, that's a little inside joke for myself. A nutsack brain, yeah.

Kyle:

It's an inside joke. You just died laughing For yourself.

Carlos:

No, for me and a couple of the boys.

Kyle:

Wait, I was going to say you can't have an inside joke with just yourself.

ryan:

No.

Carlos:

Him and his boys. They share brains apparently.

Kyle:

Yeah, what the fuck is that about you guys talking about your nuts?

Carlos:

Do you want to hear it? Sure guys talking about your nuts.

Kyle:

Do you want to hear? It sure, before going up and see if someone would be sleepy, you put your fucking nutsack on their forehead oh yeah, you were doing the brain.

Carlos:

Would they bite it? No, you put it on the forehead while they're sleeping, but they wake up and they just nibble on. Your fucking never wake up.

Kyle:

No, because you put them under you put them under.

ryan:

They didn't do it to you, I hope no, I don't know, they probably did.

Carlos:

Didn't you say, they didn't know? No nobody would ever know. It was just passed out. Yeah, so that most likely happened to you.

Kyle:

I hope I never did shit like that, because I would be fucking pissed yeah, you did me and my boy me and my boys didn't get down like that, fucking with the first person to sleep.

Carlos:

There's a, there's a record you saying Like you guys didn't even wear shit. Yeah, thank you, thank you. We're not gonna get into that, we're not gonna elaborate, but thank you, wait what? Thank you? Just go back and listen to the other pod. Thank you, buddy, that's all I gotta say what I remember. You remember, eric, do you remember? I have no idea? You sparked something in my brain. I remember.

Kyle:

I know, give me something to jog my memory on it Group. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah jerking off of your boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Carlos:

So that's not worse than no man Putting nuts on foreheads, yeah we're separate. Oh no, man Putting nuts on foreheads yeah we're separate.

Kyle:

Oh, it's a different guy. I'm not eloping with another man. I'm not putting my stuff on another man.

Carlos:

Okay.

Kyle:

I'm just saying there's a difference.

Carlos:

I don't think so. It's not a fine line. We can agree to disagree all day, motherfucker no that is objectively gay.

Kyle:

To put your nuts on another man is objectively gay. I think you're like 10 years old.

Carlos:

It's like that fucking South Park.

Kyle:

I talk about South Park too much, but when Cartman sticks his fucking dick in Butler's mouth and is like and everybody's calling him gay and he's like no, and everybody's calling him gay and he's like no, it's just funny.

Carlos:

He's like that. No, it's fucking gay. That's how you.

Kyle:

That's how you constitute it as being yeah, you just say you stick your nuts on their forehead and you say they're gay, but you're the one doing it.

Carlos:

So if you say no homo, it's not gay, no diddy no, that's different.

Kyle:

Yeah, what the fuck happened to diddy is. Is he still missing? No, I have no idea. That fucking pedophile.

Carlos:

Is he a pedophile or is he just like a woman beater? He's a BD and a woman beater. What is a BD? A butt diddler.

Kyle:

Oh yeah, he's gay. He's gay. I forgot Diddy was fucking gay. Nothing wrong with it. I support you, man. Just don't do it to you. I definitely not. Don't do it to me.

Carlos:

Also, don't do it to people who don't want it if a famous person came up to you and just started touching your cock, you wouldn't be opposed, damn cock.

Kyle:

I heard cock in a while. No like, I think we I've said it before it's like, bro, if I was in the situation Harvey Weinstein, stuff we were talking about the Nickelodeon doc. Yeah, eric doesn't like it. You would agree to it, bro, if I was in a fucking. Let's say they're like we'll get you in there with fucking Tom Hardy. You'll be right next to Tom Hardy In this brand new movie. You just gotta suck it, buddy cop comedy movie. You'll be right there. You'll be Tom Hardy in this brand new movie. You just gotta suck it, buddy Cop. Buddy Cop comedy movie. You'll be right there.

Carlos:

You'll be Tom Hardy's partner.

Kyle:

Yes, yes, for sure. And they're like your fucking contract is three million dollars for this movie and you'll get so much recognition You'll be in other movies. Okay, absolutely, sir. May I have another?

Carlos:

May you have another. May you have another, another contract. Jesus Christ, kyle tries to be nice and he goes Fucking full blown gay. God damn, wait, is this the real Kyle? This is the real Kyle right here.

Kyle:

I like Dickhead. It's not gay dude, I'm doing it for monetary value. He said I'm homo.

Carlos:

I like Dickhead Kyle Better than this fucking guy no man.

Kyle:

Dick in the mouth, kyle, it's not gay if you're getting money from it. It's not gay unless you make it gay. Think about all those straight dudes doing porn, gay porn. They're not gay dude, they're making money.

Carlos:

Would you do gay porn? No, I'm going to fucking throw up.

Kyle:

No, no, hell, no, you're going to throw up from that. Have you watched gay porn before you watch porn every goddamn day?

Carlos:

Multiple times a day. No, I do not.

Kyle:

You've told me you do, so don't fucking come in here like that, alright, when it's a bad week, yeah.

Carlos:

When it's a bad week, yeah. Fuck off, Leave me alone. Leave me alone. You're worse than I am motherfucker. It's like social media for you guys. At this point it is. It is entertainment purposes. It's better than Netflix.

Kyle:

You asked me if I've ever watched gay porn. No. I have not either, but you said you almost threw up from it. So you must have seen it, so you've seen it To know that you didn't like it.

Carlos:

Okay, kyle, I'm going to fucking headbutt you right now. Are you curious? No, I'm not fucking curious. Kyle knows what the fuck out of here GP.

Kyle:

Get the fuck out of here.

Carlos:

Butt pie. So you guys are so fucked. I almost just fucking spit that out.

ryan:

You guys have watched these videos together.

Kyle:

You are so fucked, Butt pie man.

Carlos:

Oh God.

Kyle:

It's a butt dog. It's for real Butt dogs Doing that. Some of those dudes are straight. God, it's a butt dog. It's for real butt dogs doing that. Some of those dudes are straight though, so they say it's like prison.

Carlos:

Are you really gay, though? It's like that dude that's dating that trans blonde girl. You ever seen that he's like I'm not gay, though I'm not gay.

Kyle:

But he's dating that dude.

Carlos:

He said I just suck my girlfriend's dick. She asked he said I just suck my girlfriend's dick. Jesus Christ, he was on no Jumper with Adam 22. That makes sense that sounds about right.

Kyle:

Nobody knows what the fuck they're talking about anymore. If you suck a dick, you're gay. We've all always said this. But you guys always tell me if you could suck your own dick and you did, that's gay. Who's you guys? I brought up this conversation before If I tried to suck your own dick and you did, that's gay who's you guys?

Carlos:

I brought up this conversation before, are you?

Kyle:

talking about if I tried to suck my own dick, if you could physically suck your own dick and you did it. That's gay, that's very gay. How, how is that any different from jerking off?

Carlos:

He's got a point. It's a hand in the mouth.

Kyle:

Is it gay for another man to stroke your dick? Very. Is it gay for another man to stroke your dick Very. Is it gay for another man to suck your dick?

Carlos:

Very.

Kyle:

Okay, so how is it? Different from me jacking off and me sucking my own dick.

Carlos:

It depends if you like it or not. Damn Kyle just admitted it. I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it.

Kyle:

I fucking knew it. You think I can suck my own dick?

Carlos:

I'm a pretty flexible guy.

Kyle:

This guy, you're flexible? I don't think so, not anymore.

Carlos:

Have you witnessed this flexibility? I can fucking.

Kyle:

I'm out of breath when I tie my shoes.

Carlos:

Should we end out there? That's not gay. I'm just saying that's not gay. We can end that there.

Kyle:

That's not gay. I'm just saying that's not gay. We can end it there.

Carlos:

Yeah, let's end it there.

Kyle:

I think we're I think yeah, I think that's a podcast.

Carlos:

This is a weird one, boys. Yeah, trying to figure out Sexuality and IQ.

Kyle:

We're trying to make a difference. I think you're pivoting here.

Carlos:

Thank you, that's a good way to put it from womanizer to. It's a great way to put it stop doing that.

Kyle:

One of us says something and you say, nope, that's exactly what I meant, that's exactly it. I love the way you. That's exactly it. You like that? I love the way you said that. I'm with him. You're pivoting.

Carlos:

To each his own.

ryan:

my brother, your clothes actually match today they do.

Kyle:

Well, if you're wearing just neutral colors, then yeah, it's going to match Gray and black. That's all we can ask for. I think, I look good, that's good if you love yourself, man, you gotta love yourself first at the end of the day, anyone takes anything from this pod and yep, I hope all the listeners. Yep, take that from this.

Carlos:

We appreciate love yourself all the followers, all the listeners, goomba's back. What did you say? Fame Q, he's colorblind. It's with an M, I think we can figure out what it is.

Kyle:

Nobody can see that screen.

Carlos:

I just fucking read it.

Kyle:

It was out of the corner of my eye.

ryan:

I got fucking 2020.

Carlos:

You literally read it as it was spelled, rather than what it was supposed to say.

Kyle:

Carlos, your first episode back from your little break. Yeah, one week break. Take us out, man.

Carlos:

All right, newest Lowe's. Follow us on everything Spotify, youtube, facebook, instagram, twitter. No, not the Facebook. No, the Facebook's going to get taken down. Apple Podcast I like the way you hold that mic. He holds it like he holds a pencil. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck off.

Kyle:

Fucking From. Look like a caveman drawing on a fucking wall.

Carlos:

In school they used to give me the little grip thing for the pencil so I could grip it like the little pink gummy thing. Oh yeah, like that. Yeah, you, you took it literally. You tried to fit all your fingers on that little grid.

ryan:

I did at first, I did every single it's only supposed to help you out, man, you're not supposed to take it seriously what newest lows.

Kyle:

I'm gonna get you cursive classes. I'm gonna teach you cursive oh, that's fine.

Carlos:

Yeah, we'll start now. Alright, newest lows bye. No, what do you mean, carlos? Shout out everything.

Kyle:

Shout out the german followers do we still have those bros over there?

ryan:

the who, the german, the germans. Either something happened to them or I don't know what happened they went to war or something

Carlos:

yeah they're in the army now. Yeah, army shit.

ryan:

But if you have Apple Podcasts or something, leave us a review on there. I think we just have one.

Carlos:

Make fun of Ryan, make fun of Carlos and how fat he is and how bad his hairline is, because he wears a hat all the time. Make fun of Ryan's IQ and how he's close to mental retardation. Hell yeah, fuck you.

Kyle:

Yeah, just fucking listen to it. Send it to Tell one person a day Like those.

Carlos:

Sarah, look to your right and say Remember those fucking. Listen to Newest Lose.

Kyle:

Those Fallen Angel commercials when it's like 10 cents a day.

Carlos:

Oh for the dogs and the African children, oh god, you would just wake up In the middle of the night With Sarah.

ryan:

McLaughlin.

Carlos:

I wish I could donate.

Kyle:

All you have to do is tell one person a day.

Carlos:

You can pay a penny a day and you'll save these dollars and then we'll get money.

Kyle:

Then we'll get a fucking shitload of money.

Carlos:

Give Ryan a penny a day, and one day he'll have his own bed.

ryan:

Pay my rent.

Kyle:

My own bed.

Carlos:

Yeah, we're going to start a GoFundMe for a new mattress. New mattress for Ryan. Sign up. You're down with that? I'm down with that. Sign up, let me know. Bye.