5 professional strategies to dealing with toxic coworkers

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In last week's coffee chat, we shared how you can spot the four hidden types of toxic coworkers. But what happens once you spot them? How can you deal with toxic coworkers (hidden and not-so-hidden ones) when you have to work with them and cannot just avoid them? 

In this Friday Coffee Chat, we answer all your questions around how to stand up for yourself while remaining professional. 

Key take-aways: 

• You cannot change others. You can only change the way you react to them. 
• Keeping the communication professional, fact-based, and solution-focused is key to steal toxic people's thunder.
• Standing up for yourself in a professional manner will help you take your power back and be proud of yourself.

Playing Big by Tara Mohr: https://amzn.to/4ejkkWs

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Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 0:34 Catching up
• 4:55 How can you deal with toxic colleagues?
• 8:04 Tip #1: It's all about the right communication
• 14:00 Tip #2: Keep the receipts
• 18:21 Tip #3: Call out passive aggressive behaviour
• 24:31 Tip #4: Owe your achievements
• 28:50 Tip #5: Consult your support system
• 30:05 Wrap up & outro

Transcript

He basically said in one of the episodes where he was pitching for like an A client. I think if you don't like the conversation, change the conversation. 

Hello, everyone. You're listening to The Happy 9 to 5 podcast where we invite you to join our Friday coffee chats and talk about everything work life, balance, well-being, confidence and creating a healthy, happy and fulfilling work life.
We are Eleni and Tina, founders of The Happy 9 to 5, work psychologists, besties and hosts of this podcast. So sit back, grab your favorite brew and enjoy.

Hello everyone. Welcome back to The Happy 9 to 5 podcast to our traditional Friday coffee chats.

Welcome.

We are sitting here. We're kind of in two different moods today. Yeah, I had a very early morning, so Eleni made me so much time and I really need to wake up and I hope I.

Will wake up from this episode.

I'm sure by the end of it, when you're halfway through the matcha, you're going to have the kick.

That I need. The kick I really, really need the kick.

And I'm just like, actually complete opposite mood where it's been such a, like, stressful and busy week. I just need something. I need my herbal tea today.

Yeah, I had a lot of deadlines lately. Yeah.

I cannot wait until they're over. They're over?

Yeah. If you guys are finding yourself in a similar situation, just get some herbal tea that's going to solve all of your problems.

The best selling point.

It helps a little bit.

Yeah, well, we actually have amazing plans for tonight. I'm so.

Excited. It was very ad hoc, actually.

Yeah, but so you guys.

If you know, you know, you know how there's this whole, like trend with like ho whether I don't even know if I'm pronouncing that right. But as this whole idea.

Of like, you know.

Foggy weather but kind of like the.

Rainy, rainy, like the humid fall kind of.

Situation.

So I was talking about the.

Whole weather.

And I had no idea what that.

Was. I know super excited about it.

And we decided we.

Have to watch rewatch Twilight. So that's our plan for tonight for you.

It's a rewatch for me. It's basically a first time watch because I have and I was so excited.

I have to say, like me and my sister, we have this ritual where we rewatch Twilight just to.

Cringe.

And it's so much fun actually, like to just watch it and be like, Oh God, why?

Because I used to find this so interesting and attractive. And like when I was a teenager, Twilight used to be the you know.

There's a thing way.

To be, I guess.

We are the generation. We were teenagers when it came out and it was a big, massive thing. Personally, I never got into it at all. I was. But tonight is the night where I get to share the cringe worthy ness.

I'm very curious. I'm actually really excited by, you know, how some people have even like drinking games where they drink every time they see something cringe in twilight.

Okay, how drunk.

Would we be if we were to do this? Probably very I think we would drive within the first hour that.

You know, But it's also there's also quite, you know, like.

A like a magic to it.

Almost, because there's this vibe and the storyline and like if you look past the cringe.

It can be interesting too, you.

Know? But it's also, I guess, nostalgia, right? I mean, when did it come out? Early 2000, 2010.

I think 2000 and tens or something like that. I was an early like teenager. I was just starting to like, flourish and that's.

Around that time. Yeah, let's be real. That was a crazy time. It was kind of fun actually, thinking back about it. I'm like, everyone was a bit.

Everyone was into vampires.

And so it was nice. But also like the, the fashion was on another level.

Don't get me started. I copied Bella Swan fashion like, So what was that?

Because I have to watch this. I need to. It was like hoodies.

And converse shoes and like, you know, when you're like very minimal makeup. I mean, I didn't even wear any makeup because.

My mom didn't want me to put. That's another story. Yeah, but it was basically like super.

You know, like very neutral colors, very like casual, skinny jeans and all of that. And this is also the time where Vampire Diaries also came out. And it was very like similar in that sense. Right. Anyway, we're getting too much into vampires.

But actually it's quite related to our topic today. LOL. Yes, actually just a different kind of vampires. It's like energy vampires. Yeah. Yeah. So you guys, today's topic, you're probably if you listen to our previous episode where we had a lot of fun, we're finding, you know, names for the hidden types of toxic coworkers.

We kind of thought, okay, you have all of.

These like toxic coworkers, these energy vampires that steal and sap your energy right away.

And make you exhausted, make you doubt yourself, leave you questioning your confidence and your self-worth. How do you deal with them?

Yeah, because the thing is, like, on the one hand, you really don't want them to step on your toes, but then at the same time, when you're at work, you may even like, even with toxic coworkers, you may have to deal with them. You may have to work with them, and you still need to stay professional. And it's not always possible in the work context to just avoid them.

So how can you deal with these toxic coworkers if you have them? And if avoiding them is not an option because you're forced to work with them or interact with them in some sort of way? What other things that you can do.

To.

Deal with this difficult situation?

Yeah, it is quite difficult because it's also it's also like a very complex interaction to have because at the same time you need to be super monitoring of what they're saying in order to like kind of, you know.

Dodge the bullets basically that they're throwing towards you.

But at the same time also focus on protecting your own energy. So basically, you know, if you can avoid them, that's amazing. That would be your like strategy, number one. But the reality is, as you said.

That's not it's not always possible. So we need solutions for these tricky moments.

Yeah. And today's episode is actually going to be about our favorite science back tips on dealing with toxic colleagues, coworkers and even supervisors. I guess it applies to all the layers.

Kind of.

Interact.

With at work, maybe.

Even clients. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Even though that. Yeah, that adds another layer of complexity on top of it. But yeah.

Yeah. So this episode is going to be all about reflecting on mostly I think we're going to really focus on the communication, the communication style, because this is where the energy sapping mostly comes from. So if you've encountered such colleagues at work and you got rid of them, but you want to still find ways to deal with them, or if you're dealing with them.

Now and you just be like, Yeah, you.

Can't do it anymore. There are ways, there are science backed ways in which you can still protect your energy, appear professional, not get into like rude conflicts or, you know, very unprofessional conflicts and protect yourself as well.

Absolutely. And as you said, the very first tip is to really understand that it's all about the communication. And more specifically, it is about keeping the conversation at a professional level with these types of coworkers and these types of people. And don't let them lure you into, you know, sharing stuff that you wouldn't otherwise share with them or at a not talk about things that you don't feel comfortable talking about.

Right. And this I mean, it really applies to any type of toxicity that people might bring. But this is especially important when it comes to people who might be very gossipy, who create drama or who you know, I just very like intrusive and ask very personal questions and want to know your opinions or, you know, what's happening in your life.

Like to an extent where, you know, you don't feel comfortable sharing things to that level. Yeah. And kind of reminding yourself to keep it at the professional level and to not let them lure you into this kind of conversation is a very important way to basically take back control of the conversation.

Exactly.

I mean, I think, for example, I cannot even, you know, count the times where I was kind of lured into conversations like that. And I realized I was talking to somebody and they haven't shared much.

Oh, yes.

But somehow I did.

Yeah.

You know. And then after the conversation has ended, I realized that this was not a bi directional conversation.

Yeah. And it lets you. Yeah, it leaves you feeling kind of really bad about it.

Like it made me feel icky. Yeah, it was like this icky feeling like, Oh, yeah, I shouldn't have shared so much. Yeah, you know? Yeah. Even though, like, at the same time they haven't. And even if I like, for example, ask the same question back, they really kept it super professional in that sense. But this reminds me of a quote from Mad Men, which is my second.

Favorite TV show after succession, which is a quote by.

Don Draper, if you know, you.

Know.

He basically said in one of the episodes where he was pitching for like an A client. I think if you don't like the conversation, change the conversation. And, you know, this stuck with me when it comes to toxic colleagues, because you're not obliged to be in that conversation if it doesn't feel comfortable. Yeah, you can still you have the control and the agency to change the conversation and to flip it around, basically.

And I think the way to to do that in a very neat way is to ask open question, basically reverse. Yeah, it's to them.

Honestly that is the best way. Just very briefly like answering whatever they ask because you have to answer somehow. But like you would do a very like broad general level. Yeah. And then just throw open questions at them.

Yeah. So by open session we basically mean what, how. Yeah.

That's Yes. Maybe it. Right.

Yeah. For example like if you, if for example they have been to a certain event against Oh how was that event. What did you like about. Yeah. Don't like about it. Just really let them talk. And if they also keep it in a professional level then that's it. Nobody needs to fill in the silences. And that's also.

Something that I need to like learn the hard way because I.

Was.

Silences. I was somebody who needed to like, really, like, felt the need to fill in the silences when the other person would say, like super professional and I would try to stay super professional, but then we would kind of hit an yeah.

Like an awkward silence.

A dead end of the conversation. And it would be like, okay, what next? Yeah, but I learned to be more comfortable about it, you know? And like, it's okay. You don't have to be the entertainer. You don't have to fill the silence.

It's not what a responsibility.

Exactly.

Necessarily.

It is a bi directional conversation.

But, you know, I've also noticed that especially with people who really want to get a lot of information and a lot of personal information from you. So, you know, the people who will go more into the toxic area, let's say they a lot of them use this strategy where they don't they use these silences, right? So they don't say something.

So they let this silence happen. And oftentimes it's because, yeah, typically we feel uneasy with. Yeah, awkward silences. So it's you know, you almost feel like pushed or like responsible to feel the silence. And that is like such an easy way for them to, like, get information and like, you know, let you talk without them really doing lunch.

I caught myself sharing stuff that I.

Kind of regretted.

Sharing afterwards. Exactly. In these moments when I felt like I needed to. Yeah. Fill in those.

Silences. Yeah. No, absolutely. And I think one thing to also keep in mind here is we typically think that we have to always answer all questions and be truthful and all of that. And while obviously we value you know, being authentic and genuine and like telling the truth, there are certain situations where you have to protect yourself and it is okay not to answer a question.

It is okay to stay very vague. Yeah, even if you do, you're.

Not lying, right?

Don't. Yeah. You don't owe any explanation to anyone, especially not at work. So that's, I guess. I don't know. I feel like it's so in our minds to be like, Oh, there's a question. So you answer, like, almost automatically. But it doesn't have to be this way.

Yeah. And that's, that's a skill to, to practice and practice until you get better at it. The second topic we wanted to discuss beside, you know, the very like the communication style that you really need to implement with toxic coworkers is literally what makes.

Toxic coworkers the worst.

Which is gaslighting and how you deal with situations when you are gaslit at work. And maybe it also may come across as unprofessional to just like burst out and say something about it. Or maybe there's other people involved or like, for example, it's in the meeting and you just got gaslit in front of everybody else, but you don't know what to do about it.

So what do you do in these kind of situations? And the first thing that actually works a lot when it comes to toxic coworkers is just very pragmatically, I would say, just working with the facts.

Yeah. And keeping receipts.

Yeah.

Keeping receipts of these facts because you may know that these are the facts, but sometimes, especially with these truth benders and gaslighter.

If you.

Don't know what that is, go listen to the previous episode.

But you know, they have a way to make you start doubting yourself and keeping receipts or keeping notes of meetings, keeping notes of it. Every decision that was made writing down when this decision was made by whom? Who was involved in this conversation? A On the one hand, it gives you the confidence that, okay, someone either has selective amnesia or a different recollection of what was happening or is.

You know, was responsible for what.

Who you know, something is happening, but it's not your fault and it's not you remembering things the wrong way. But there's something going on with this other person where either they don't want to remember what was being said or they truly don't remember what was being said and what was said or for what reason. But like having these receipts for you is so helpful for your own sanity, really.

And to know I'm fine. Okay, I remember that correctly and this is how it was. And then you can go from there and use this for like the next conversation or discussion where it's like, okay, this is what we discussed then and then and how do we move forward? What has changed? Has anything changed? And just yeah, be solution oriented really.

And I think like that being solution oriented is probably like the best weapon or so you have against them. Because at the end of the day, if we think about the psychology behind gaslighting, it is really to try and get to you to elicit an emotional response.

It's a manipulation tactic, it's manipulative.

What they are seeking is to basically get you off your leg balance, to throw you off balance and elicit a negative emotional response. But if your solution oriented and if you work with facts, there are no emotions involved in that. This is just the reality of how things happen. So you can still stay neutral, You can still work with the fact you have all the receipts that you need in order to not elicit that intense emotional negative response that they are seeking to trigger in you.

Absolutely.

But of course, you know, that doesn't mean that you need to remember all the negative stuff that happened because that also may, you know, Yeah.

Trigger you to ruminate about.

Everything that they have said in the past and other situations where maybe they gaslit you. So like really be mindful of and filter what you are keeping receipts on because but you are focusing on is receipts of facts rather than receipts of presumptions.

Don't yeah don't necessarily start a list of all the times where someone like this specific person gaslit you.

Unless unless you need a realness to.

Your friends.

Yeah. Unless there's a good reason to do that. Don't do that. Is just lazy about. Yeah. Just focus on whatever needs to be done so the work gets done. It's work at the end of the day, you know.

And this way you can also protect yourself as well.

Absolutely. So the third tip is about dealing with a passive aggressive people around us. Yeah. I mean, how many are. Oh.

Toxicity at work?

Yeah. Bad people who interrupt you, be it people who cross your boundaries in the sense of they just throw some passive aggressive comment or some sarcastic comment at you or they're being negative for no reason, or they make a comment about things that are really, really not their business and have absolutely nothing to do with work. Whatever it is.

I feel like there's probably like a million examples.

I feel like everybody has this aggressive behavior, you know, at least one example.

I wish it was just one.

Then we would have a more or less healthy workplace. Yeah, you know.

Yeah. Unless they are aggressive. Yeah. I think like thing with.

Toxic colleagues they're not, they don't have like the guts to be aggressive, like playing aggressive because they know they're going to be out if they're playing aggressive.

Yeah, well some do, but a lot of them don't because they're too scared.

Exactly. And this is where they go into like this passive aggressive and they're these ironic sarcastic comments that undermine you basically. And the worse when it can happen is actually during like meetings in front of others and especially.

Yeah, and I'm sorry to be still professional, but like, you know, a person just threw you under the bus and is being rude. How do you do it? Like it's a difficult situation. So this is why we. Yeah, wanted to share some very concrete tips on how to deal with these kinds of situations. And so the first one that we mentioned was being interrupted.

How do you deal with it when someone just interrupts you in a meeting? And especially, I mean, sure, it can happen, especially like I know in virtual meetings it has happened before that I, by accident, interrupted someone, right? Yeah. But usually, you know, usually, you know, you know, the people who keep interrupting and they keep interrupting you like you get a feeling when it's, you know, not accidental, let's say, But one very easy way is to just call it out, to just say, could you please let me finish my thought?

And this is something I really had to learn. Like I struggled so much with this because it felt like almost, Oh my God, am I being rude? How am I going to be perceived then? But honestly, you're just there. You were talking, someone interrupted you. You should be allowed to finish your thought. Yeah, and I'm saying that I don't like.

I think this shows a lot of strength. And just like, you know, I'll wait for your turn.

Exactly. Exactly. And, you know, like, thinking about it, this kind of comes from this whole, like, idea of, like, people pleasing tendencies and all of that that, you know, it would be rude to call somebody out. But at the same time, that person has not been nice to you.

Yeah.

And your duty to yourself is to be nice to yourself so that comes first. And this is a situation where calling it out or I also like this one where you kind of like thank them for their thoughts. It's like, Oh yeah, thank you for, for your thoughts. I will just finish mine, you know? Yeah, like just that because I had like a conversation in a meeting.

It happened a.

While ago where.

I was interrupted and I wasn't even like, I didn't even finish my thoughts and they were already discarded. I was like, Oh, yeah, but that doesn't make sense. I'm like.

I didn't even finish what I wanted to say.

I don't get that. I don't get people like that. Like, just wait a second.

So yeah, yeah. And this is where I was like, Oh yeah, You know, like, maybe you misunderstood. Like, I just didn't finish my thought.

Yeah.

And this is where everybody in the room knew that I had more to say. And there was actually an interruption.

Absolutely. And you know what? You know what? I think it's just these moments oftentimes make you feel so, like, helpless and, like, annoyed and you feel bad and uncomfortable and like, saying something and doing something. You're going to be so proud of yourself after that. It will make you feel better because you stood up for yourself.

For sure. And you know, another thing, if you maybe are not, don't feel ready, which is okay, you know, like it takes some guts to, like, really show up for yourself in the moment or sometimes maybe you don't feel like that is the right moment or maybe not the right environment. And it can happen because we're all human.

Like there's no like only one right way of dealing with toxic colleagues as long as you are kind to yourself. But you could also choose to let it go in the moment, but really make sure that you have a one on one with the person who made the passive aggressive comment or interrupted or made some intrusions or intrusive questions into into your life.

For example, have a one on one with them and just ask if there's anything they want to clarify.

Yeah. And if they're if everything is fine, basically. And I think this is like it especially goes for situations where maybe be a rude comment was made or a sarcastic comment or, you know, something that was very rude in that moment. But it's sometimes difficult in a meeting in front of everyone to address that. Sometimes it's just not the right environment.

Right? But like it helps to follow up and you will see a lot of people backtrack.

So they, they don't.

Yeah, because a lot of times people say things, especially when it's passive aggressive. This means A, they're too scared to. Yeah, just be aggressive or like yeah, would be openly toxic. So these people will backtrack when you actually confront them with their behavior. They will probably not say, Oh yeah, you know what that was kind of.
Some.

Not I'm sorry. Don't expect a sorry. Yeah, but they might just be like, oh, everything's fine, but they will not do it again.

Yeah. And this is what you want. At the end of.

The day, what matters? You can't change them, can you?

Yeah, for sure. And we were also thinking about another situation where, you know, toxic colleagues can really, really impact your professional record or your, like, career track. And this is when they take credit for you for something you have done.

Yeah, maybe we need an nice name for them to like, oh, these like, accomplished like, achievements, society.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, we have.

To find that because I feel like these, these are like one of the worst things that they can do because, you know, like, okay, passive aggressive comments. They're rude, weird, like ways of talking to you and like, very destructive communication style. Okay? But when they take credit for something you've done that impacts your career.

Yeah.

They impact that.

Whole thing on others. So back.

To you. It really is a an impact like a like a very.

Valuable impact that they have in their, you know. Yeah.

So when it comes to them taking credit for you, what really can help here is to just keep track of your achievements.

Yeah. So you know, for yourself, but also so that you can make sure that the right people know so you can bring up your achievements during performance reviews, during weekly updates with your supervisors. Let the right people know and don't wait until someone takes credit for your achievements, until you start taking credits of your achievements. Because I do think sometimes a lot of us are a bit hesitant.

Oh yeah, you should share all the amazing things that we have achieved.

Because it can get perceived as arrogant or, you know, selfish.

Absolutely. We may also not feel the most comfortable of presenting things. Or maybe we we prefer to let others talk first.

Yeah.

Or we prefer other people presenting things. But this is problematic in a work environment because this really gives room for these people who have absolutely no problem, not only to present the work that was done, you have absolutely no problem to take credit of.

Your work.

That you have done and they had nothing to do with it. Right. So it's it's maybe also a little bit about thinking less about what they do, but, you know, looking inward and like seeing what you can do to, you know, show up for yourself and also put yourself on the map and being seen by the people who should see you and all the amazing things that you are achieving at work.

And that is in no way arrogant whatsoever. Because if other people are not being nice to you, you owe it to yourself to be nice to you. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's like.

Own your competence. Like own your competence, own your achievements, own everything that you have been doing.

And take up space like you're entitled to that space. You've done all of that stuff. Yeah, I might as well, you know.

By the way, actually, if you haven't seen, we recommend this book so much. But if you want to follow up on this topic and like learn how to take up more space, the book.

Playing it by.

Playing big by Tara Mohr.

I think we also included in one of the newsletters because I think it was in one of the either playing Big March newsletter, one of the.

Spring. It's been a while, it's been a while, but playing big, I think it's called by Tara Mohr. It's an amazing book and it talks about exactly that hesitation that a lot of women have. Yes. To take up the space and playing it big and, you know, trusting also their own like abilities and also sharing that with everyone.

I we'll be linking the book in the episode description as well. The last thing that we wanted to talk about actually has nothing to do with toxic colleagues, but it is a great way of dealing with them.

Mm hmm.

And that is to have your support system in place where you feel like this is your trusted circle. And these are not other colleagues at work, just to make that clear, because you never know. But these are your friends, this is your family. These are people you trust because you do need a space, a safe space to vent it out.

We all need that.

Also mentors outside your organization so people where you know they're not affiliated with people from your team or the organization you work for. It can be amazing people to turn to when there are issues with, you know, certain toxic coworkers that you have because they can share their experience and their expertise when it comes to dealing with difficult, you know.

Situations like that at work. Yeah, especially if they know the environment more or less if they're from the same industry and maybe they already have experience with such people.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, most of us does do probably afraid.

Yeah. So you guys, we hope that this episode has also helped you reflect a little bit on the situations that you encounter on a daily basis with toxic colleagues in your workplace and brainstorm with you on this podcast. Some potential solutions that are science backed that you can use to improve your communication. Stand up for yourself. Be nice to yourself when others are not nice to you and literally just have that support system in place for your energy so that they don't get to you emotionally.

They don't get to your confidence, they don't get to your self-worth and you know how to show up for yourself at work and showcase your achievements as well.

Yeah, because at the end of the day, you can't change other people, but you can change the way you react to them. And this is where you take your power back and the control back. So you guys, if you've been enjoying this episode, you can choose to support our Friday coffee chats by buying us a coffee. You can find the link to support the show in the episode description.

And if you have a work bestie or another friend that is also dealing with toxic colleagues, make sure to also send them this Friday coffee chat so they can get the best insights.

On how to thrive both at work and in life.

And not let.

Toxic coworkers.

Sap their energy at.

Work. We're excited to see you next week.

Bye bye.

Thank you for joining our coffee chat today.

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