7. From Placeholder to Dream Girl: Reclaiming Your Power in Relationships

From Placeholder to Dream Girl: Prioritizing Yourself for Better Relationships

In this episode of 'Becoming Sunshine,' the host reflects on a personal epiphany about being a placeholder in past relationships and shares insights on transitioning from being a 'lover girl' to a 'dream girl.' Emphasizing the importance of self-prioritization, she discusses how focusing on oneself can shift relationship dynamics and ensure men continue to pursue and value them. She provides actionable advice on maintaining personal power, avoiding people-pleasing tendencies, and recognizing personal growth opportunities. Additionally, she touches on the importance of keeping private life private and surrounding oneself with genuine, supportive friends.

00:00 Introduction to Becoming Sunshine

00:32 Epiphany and Realization

01:08 From Placeholder to Dream Girl

02:47 The Power of Prioritizing Yourself

03:55 Understanding Relationship Dynamics

05:50 The Role of Men and Women in Relationships

09:00 The Importance of Self-Worth

13:36 The Dream Girl Mindset

17:42 The Secret Sauce to Relationships

25:55 Be Your Own Dream Girl

26:08 Men Should Pursue You

26:23 Maintaining Your Power

29:14 Signs to Pull Back

32:07 Let Him Do Nice Things

35:21 Focus on Yourself

38:13 Lessons in Love

42:07 Keep Your Private Life Private

49:20 Embrace Change and Growth

51:17 Gratitude and Moving Forward

53:00 Conclusion and Farewell

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All content of the Becoming Sunshine Podcast reflects my own personal opinion at the time it was spoken and may be subject to change. NOTHING I say on this channel should be taken as legal, financial, safety, health, fitness, nutrition, mental health, or investment advice. Please seek out the guidance of professionally trained and licensed individuals before making any decisions. 

Transcript

Madeline: 0:00

Welcome to Becoming Sunshine. For those of you that know me, you know that sunshine has been an alias of mine for almost a decade now and sunshine also is me becoming my highest self and that's what this podcast is about. I'm here to help you understand yourself better and maybe learn some more about myself along the way. Thanks so much for joining me. I'm excited.

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Hey friends. So welcome back to my podcast today. I had an epiphany. It was actually like, one of those terrible thoughts, wakes you up and then you can't go back to sleep cause it's just so horrifying like those realizations. Honestly, it was a very hard pill to swallow. Not even just like a pill, like a giant horse pill, or like a giant antibiotic that you got, literally I'm talking like a handful of pills. Not even like my handful, maybe two handfuls, maybe two of my handfuls, or like an NBA player's hand, like Shaq's hand, like his hand full of pills, like swallowing. That's how I thought. Basically, I come to the realization that I have been a placeholder in more relationships than I care to admit, and so today's episode is about how to go from placeholder to dream girl, because I've been both and. I'm the expert and yeah, and basically what it comes down to is why all of us need to retire as lover girls, as a former lover girl, myself, like I'm your leader and I'm telling you, it's not the way. Men would literally rather be with a girl that doesn't even like them. Than a lover girl let that sink in. Let that marinate for a second. They would rather be with a girl that doesn't even like them, and if you don't believe me, think of all of the men that you don't like, that you're not interested in that chase you like you're their dream girl, or all the guys that you have broken up with, moved on, got over, and then as soon as you don't like them anymore, They're after you again, they're chasing you. You're the dream girl again, like. Why it happens. Li quite literally all the time. It's crazy and it makes so much sense. There's so many creators out there, like what I'm saying, like nothing. I'm saying today it's like earth shattering or I don't know. Maybe it's just, obviously it took me a while to figure it out, but there's plenty of other people out there probably saying the same thing I'm saying, sometimes you hear stuff a certain way or it reaches you at a certain time and it just like suddenly just clicks. But. Yeah. men are simple, and it makes sense cause the difference between the dream girl and the lover girl, is that the dream girl is prioritizing herself think about it when you're not interested in a guy. You're not prioritizing him. You're not proposing prioritizing your relationship with him. You're prioritizing yourself. You don't need to like download some girls ebook or like whatever and figure out like, why your man isn't chasing your, like, why our relationship isn't working out or why you're not a Jew, like literally this secret, like the whole premise behind black hat energy is Just focus on yourself, babe. Like how to get over him, how to get him to slake you, how to get them to commit. May I had. How to get him to propose, like how to get them to do just focus on yourself. Don't worry about him because when you're not worried about him, he's worried about you. I promise. Like women are always. The inspiration for a relationship. Like I know we've all heard that men control access to relationships and like women control access to sex and Maybe there's some truth to that, but. I don't know, not really. I feel like women are the inspiration behind relationships. Man, you so start wars and builds like giant buildings and like temples and shit and Do the most like impress women? Like why two men drive? Nice fancy expensive cars. why do they. Spend a thousand dollars on their clone and why do they. I do all these things, not to impress other men, maybe to an extent, because they want respect from other men, but why do they want respect from other men? And it's To get the girl, like the girl is going to be with the guy that is the most, well-respected like the, at the end of the day, babe. Who runs the world. Girls and we just forget that shit sometimes. And I think that's by design, guys don't want us to realize how powerful we are and neither do other women, honestly. A little bit of a tangent, but I feel like, the people that hold women back the most is more often than not other women. So crazy. So yeah. That's why I'm out here and embarrassing myself. I know sometimes people are like, oh my God, they don't see that. Don't tell any guys this, don't ever tell a guy that like, you've been mistreated in the past or like you put up with shit in the past. Cause then they're like, Figuring out how they can treat you and what they can get away with and yeah, that's true. But also that's, if you're still that person and if you've grown since then, And you're on that person anymore than length. Doesn't matter what you put up with in the past. Like you've grown, you're not going to put up with it again and Anyone that's a true king. he's not trying to figure out what he can get away with. at least not consciously, like of course men are going to push the boundaries. And that's why we need to have standards and boundaries and set expectations for them and ourselves, but. Yeah, I man, that is Coming into the relationship, already with an agenda or worried about what he can get away with or how I can treat you or like how I can like finesse or whatever. Like it's not going to end up being the man for you. It's don't even worry about it. He's on the one. And I understand being a lover girl as a retired lover, all myself, When you fall for a guy, you care about him. Like you want to take care of him and cater to him. And that was like a very mothering, nurturing energy. But Put on yourself. Give that to yourself, get out to yourself and your kids first, before you give that to a man, there's other ways to take care of a man that's Wifey like womanly, like romantic partner energy, not mothering energy. No guy wants to date or marry his mom. And if he does that's a problem. And you don't want to be with that guy. Like he should be in therapy and dealing with that in a different way. And you should be far away from last situation. And I think this realization came from me always wondering why at the beginning of our relationship I'm always the dream girl, like guys, always chasing me guys are always trying to ask me on a day. Like there they're lining up to take me on a date quite literally. And I'm, I've never been one that was like, interested in Dating a guy or like pursuing a guy, never in my life have I looked at a guy? I've been like, wow, he is so handsome and intelligent and successful. I want to date him. I want him to be my husband. I want him to be my boyfriend that quite literally has never happened. Not one time. Have I ever dated someone that I wanted first that's just not what happens men naturally, are the pursuers and that's where they thrive. That was sir, like their role men are designed to chase and to lead and they should always be the one furthering the relationship, like in the beginning, they're the one pursuing you. It should never change and it's not about being out of reach slightly or like being a little bit scary or dating down a little bit. I like maybe gosh, just the way that other women have explained it. I don't think it's about that. I think it's about just prioritizing yourself. Cause like, why would a man choose today? A girl that doesn't even like him. Over a lover girl. And it's probably because what does she have in common with a dream girl? She's prioritizing herself, especially if she doesn't even really like him. Hello. And I'm sure this has happened to some of you before. after you get out of a relationship with the guy that you were really in love with and you're heartbroken and you go to see who they date after you and you're just like, that's a very interesting choice. Like you're a little bit confused, You're just like what, is and maybe this is bad advice, but whatever, they say, don't compare yourself to other women or other girls or other situations, but Do it, try it, compare yourself, look at this woman and be like he chose this woman. Like, why is she better than me? Is she smarter than me? Is she prettier than me? Is she more talented than me? Is she more creative than me? More likely than not. She's. Not at all. She's probably like pretty mediocre. Honestly. I don't actually think I've ever dated a guy who dated a girl after me that I considered better than we any way. And. It's just like, why is that? Like, why would they choose this person over me? And Somewhere along the line in the relationship. I south prioritizing myself and my goals and my dreams, and I stopped being my own dream girl and I started prioritizing numb in the relationship and if you're not even your own dream girl, how can you expect to be somebody else's Bosley may make sense? And I know some of you are over here oh my goodness, Madeline, like, how could you say you're better than this other girl? Or you're better than anyone. You shouldn't think you're better than anyone. I don't know, who came up with that propaganda that we shouldn't think that we're better than other people. I think this is my life, and if I'm achieving, in pursuing my highest self. I should think that I'm better than some people, but because I don't think the majority of people are pursuing their. Best sells and they don't have my same values or may same moral compass or like my same whatever. And if I'm trying to be the best version of myself and the best version of myself is like this amazing person and I don't think other people are doing that. Like, I'm probably about it in. Um, like, I think that's fine. This is your life. You should think. That you are better than some people, if not what are you doing? What are you doing wrong? Like, why don't you think about it than some people you should be working on yourself? You should be getting your body where you want to, you should be getting your life where you want to getting your career where you want to, where your finances, where you want to your happiness, like everything. If you're really working on being your highest self, you should think. Yeah. I'm the shit. I'm pretty great. I've got to go in on, I don't think that's like. Narcissism. I think that's just like being confident in what you have, because you've worked hard to get there. you've done a lot of healing. You've done a lot of integrating. You've done a lot of work. And yeah, I'm not shit. What. Hello. And. Again, back to thinking about the beginning of our relationship. Guys are always pursuing me. It seems like guys would literally move mountains to be with me in the beginning of a relationship, doing the most, like it's actually so crazy. And this is, I'm not even talking about one particular guy, like this has happened on multiple occasions. These guys, these like huge like entrepreneurs, investors, these. Guys that are like big wile to do in the world are intimidated. By me and scared, literally shaking, so nervous to be on a date with me. And they've even admitted. They're like, I've never gotten like that before around anybody. Ever, like I've been around celebrities, I've been around CEOs. Business owners, Titans of industry. And I don't get choked up. I don't like fumble my words. I don't get nervous. And then when I'm on a date with you, like our first date, I'm so nervous, I'm sweating, like what? And then I go from that, I go from that level. Same girl, same person. To being a placeholder. And this has happened more than one. So Not saying these guys are like perfect or they're amazing, or they're gray, or they're not a problem. Like obviously none of them are the one for me, they all have their flaws too, but like the common denominator here is me. so when I think about it like that, I'm like, okay, what is going on between. The beginning of a relationship, the middle, and then the end of the relationship, like what happens and It's easy to shift blame and blame your partner and be like, oh, like he loved balmy or he Gaslight me or he played me. You're like that fake version of the guy in the beginning. It was like, always so fire, like those memes and stuff, which like, I always saw that. Cause there's a level of Toxicity and humor that I have, but at the end of the day, We need to take accountability for the Raleigh planner on suffering. And we need to take care of our side of the street first, before we want to Look at anyone else. And I think a lot of times too, we attract the same. Partners or similar situations over and over again. And so we like. Finally learn a lesson. The universe just keeps sending us the same thing over and over again, different skin suit. And I think I finally have figured it out. My spirit guides up there, like shaking their heads, And it's just they didn't really change because again even if they did change, they had some like messiness, some weirdness and funny movement going on. It doesn't matter. They are not the inspiration for the relationship. Again, we are where the inspiration for the relationship. So if I'm changing, if I'm switching it up, third relationship dynamic is going to change. It's not really anything that they do because we set the standard, We set the pace Where are the ones that actually have all the power and that we're in control. Whether or not you realize that or not it's true. We are. So if the dynamic is changing, think about your behavior. Think about what's changed in the relationship. in the beginning of a relationship, I'm prioritizing myself, I'm prioritizing my single girl life. I'm prioritizing. My career, my, I don't like the word hobbies, my passions, I'm prioritizing my girlfriends. I'm prioritizing my dogs. I'm prioritizing my nail appointment. I'm not rescheduling appointments or. Blowing off friends to accommodate his schedule. And then as soon as I, catch feelings or I start to get a really emotionally invested. I want to start catering to him and his needs and changing my schedule and being more accommodating and it's just like, that would be fine. I think maybe if I was dating another woman, but unfortunately, and I don't say, unfortunately I say that as a joke that like, I'm attracted to men and I usually date men. And men and women are different in this way. Like what women and men value and relationships and what they need is very different. women want to feel accommodated to, and men want to feel valued, respected, and appreciated. And the way we show each other love and the way we catered to one another is different. So me accommodating them and changing my schedule, like that would. Be good if I was dating another woman, but like when you do things for a man and you start to spoil a man in that way, they're not going to think of it the same way as like we would, if a man was doing those things for us, like if a man is. Doing nice things for me. doing things to accommodate me. I think, wow. He's so amazing. Like he's so great. What a great guy. I'm so lucky, but if I start to do that stuff for a man. They think. Wow, I'm so amazing. She's doing all of this for me, she's changing her schedule for me. I must be more important. Mimi me. And then you up here on the pedestal starts to come down off the pedestal and they start to put themselves up on the pedestal inside. And they become the princess and the relationship. Or they start to think. Is this really my dream girl, like she's doing all this for me. I'm so amazing. Her schedule her life isn't as important as mine. She must know something that I don't. I thought she was the dream girl. I thought she was slightly out of reach. I thought she was out of my league. And now I'm like am I too good for her? Do I need to start looking for someone else out there? And I think this is too why men start to become one Faisal. Why they start Sci-Hub. A wandering eye, why they start to, look around because they start to second guess you and the relationship and they think, maybe there is a better girl out there for me, because I'm so great. And she obviously sees something that I didn't see before and now I need to go find someone even better than her. And like most of the time, like you're probably the best are ever going to get.

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And guys can use whatever excuse they need to like, justify, why you've become the placeholder or like why suddenly you've gone from dream girl to placeholder and they taken you off the pedestal. I'm telling you, it's literally you and it's a state of mind. It's nothing that you do because. Men and women are not the same. Like we value men for what they do and men value themselves for what they do. It doesn't matter what we do. It doesn't matter about like our career. It doesn't matter about like our status or like place and see how pretty, nothing, none of that matters. Guys value women for who they are, like our essence, like that is the difference between like masculine and feminine energy. Like. Our essence, like there's nothing that we're going to bring to the table that they can't bring for themselves or do for themselves. the only thing that men need from us. It's our energy and our essence. So that's why they value us. Guys. So definitely use excuses, like my career, like my lifestyle, like whatever, they don't like it. They can't. Deal with it. They count whatever, and like maybe some of that is like their own insecurities, but like at the end of the day,

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men will do nothing. If they don't have to, and if they have to, men will do. Anything. And once you understand that you understand men and that's really the only advice you will ever need.

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Men will do anything. If they have to, like men will move mountains. Men are problem solvers. If there's a problem and you're his dream girl, if there's a barrier, there's an obstacle. He's going to find a solution. He's going to figure it out. he doesn't like your career. He doesn't like your job. He doesn't like your star. He's gonna do whatever to change your circumstances. If he believes you are his dream girl. He will find a way to make it happen. That is W what we love about men. That is how men are designed. That is how men are. he'll figure it out because you're his dream girl. You're his future. You are his life. But. If you're not, he doesn't see you that way. He's not going to do anything. And Gary he'll make an excuse. I'd be like, oh, the X, Y, Z. Sorry, we can't be together. Sorry, baby. You're amazing. I love you. You're so amazing. You're perfect. You're blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, guys will be like, you're the most beautiful, intelligent, creative, best taste, best kisses, best lover, best everything gear the best of the best of the best. But I don't want to be with you, but you're not for me. And then they'll go be with some mediocre bitch. And it's just what? And it's cause they don't see you as this dream girl. As their dream crawl. That's all it is. That's it. It's Alex. It's more hurtful. That's probably why they come up with an excuse. Cause they probably are like, I'll let me just ease this blow. But then you're sitting there trying to question the star. It doesn't matter. Don't question there. It's all gonna make sense. Cause it's not true. They excuse us. That's not the reason. And like it's a simple fix. Like you have all the power to be the dream girl. It's literally just a mindset shift and an attitude show notes. And. It starts and ends with you, babe.

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So I get it, I'm was a lover girl, and it's crazy. I it's like, how could I go from being on this pedestal to being. taking for granted. I haven't lost value. Like if anything, I'm, more into him, I'm more there for him. I wanna make sure he knows this is like a safe relationship. I'm more accommodating, I'm more invested. I'm more, whatever. And it's just that's exactly the problem. I start accommodating him and his schedule and his needs over my own. I take myself off the pedestal. He didn't need to do it. I did it myself. The second you start prioritizing their schedule over yours. Is when you start to be taking for granted, that is a one-way train to being taken for granted town. I know I used to live there. It's not nice and it's not a nice neighborhoods, not a fun time.

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And like you're fumbling yourself. Like they didn't even fumble you, you fumbled yourself and the relationship by prioritizing them over you and forgetting the, your, the dream girl, you stopping your own dream girl and you stop prioritizing yourself. Ergo you become the placeholder. And. At first this probably isn't even conscious, but then as They start to view you a different way. They're not just going to like. Get rid of you, especially, because you're so pretty. You're so fun to be around. You're so amazing. And also your ears. So accommodating now, like you make their lives so easy, you make their lives so convenient. Being a convenient lover girl. Is like the downfall of That is like suicide in a relationship. If you want the relationship to absolutely blow up in your face. Be the convenient lover girl, no, we're not doing that anymore. We're retired. We're retired guys. Like we're done. it's so crazy. when I think about, and I'm not even speaking about one particular relationship, people that know me are welcome to make their assumptions about who I'm talking about. But I think about all the women that men have dated after me. And it's just Mind-boggling it's actually so crazy. It's so confusing and a lot of my ego is probably involved. Like I couldn't see. I was actually going on because I was just so confused. I was like, what? And I'm sure like you guys do you like you, someone like as beautiful and creative intelligent funny and clever as you like an icon. You like, so yeah, if this could happen to me, it can happen to any. Obviously. Y'all are my son's own humorous. So like a coughing fit. But yeah, literally It has nothing to do with you. You can be the most beautiful. Compatible. Intelligent. Ambitious. Amazing girl. And he literally doesn't matter if you stop. Prioritizing yourself and remembering that about yourself. They will stop her memory and then they will start to do things. To reinforce that narrative. And then you're going to start second guessing yourself. You're going to start questioning yourself. You're going to start dealing with your own self-worth issues, especially, if you break up. Or you take a break, they start dating someone else immediately. Cause that's what guys do. And you look at the other girl and you're like, whoa, like that lots who you chose. That's who you decided was better than me. And instead of thinking about this logically and realizing what actually happened, you start to compare yourself and you're like, I don't think the scroll is like, Superior in any way. Yeah. He shows this girl over me, what is wrong with me? You start to look at yourself differently and No, no babe. No, the way that like, we can fall in love with a Roach, like Mankin love literally Or chase or that's why it literally doesn't matter, like men are visual, but at the end of the day, in order to get princess treatment and be the dream girl, it's literally a state of mind being a dream girls, literally an attitude and a state of mind, like. I think about it this way. If you are your own dream girl, you're taking care of yourself, you're getting your hair as healthy as it can be. You're getting your teeth as healthy as they can be. Your skin, your nails, like your body, your mind, like you're happy in your career. You're happy in your life. Like you're thriving. You are your own dream girl. You are on your way to being your highest self you're living that life, or like on the way there. And Taking a line to auction to be that person, like who wouldn't want to be with you. Like you want to be around you, you want to be with you. that's amazing. Like. Of course, you're going to attract all these guys. So that's why, when you're single again, and you're back to working on yourself, that's why Altra relationship, like after a breakup. You always become hotter. You always become more successful. And it's it's because you're prioritizing yourself again. And then you attract all these guys. Of course, like the guy that broke your heart always goes back. Always every single time. And then maybe you take him back, but then what happens again? What happens again? Do you start to prioritize the relationship and him again? And it's just a cycle. Yeah. And you start to get into these toxic cycles. Yeah, I know. I've been there. I've been there. I've been there. I've been there.

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men and women are just fundamentally different. women want to feel seen understood accommodated taking care of and save and men want to feel respected, valued, and appreciated. Where's your stuff rent. Like you don't need to accommodate his schedule, babe. He should be accommodating you in yours. There's other ways to show a man that you value him and appreciate him. He is going to feel amazing, having a beautiful, confident well Rusted woman on his arm. That's going to make him feel like he's big dog. Not you running yourself, ragged, taking care of him and taking care of his needs. No, that's not going to make him feel like a man. That's not going to make him feel high value, he's going to feel high value having you because you're the prize don't ever forget that. You are the prize and he's going to feel like the king because he has you. He has his beautiful queen. Hope that helps.

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So That's it. That's the secret sauce. That's all you need to know you don't need to read any more books. you don't need to take any more courses. you literally just need to be your own dream girl and prioritize yourself, focusing yourself and You'll get whatever you want. You'll get the guy. You'll get the dream life. Cause you're working on it. You'll get everything and that's how you keep men. Pursuing that's how you keep men loyal, Datto. You keep men invested in the relationship. That's how you get your man to propose. That's how you get your man to be an attentive partner and father, and like everything. It's it's you. Or the driving force, like you are the inspiration, this second, you become the one furthering the relationship. The second you become the one reaching for them oh, what is he doing? Like, where are we going? Are we going to dinner tonight? Are we hanging out later? Are you seeking to call me like, Are we going to get married? Are we going to go on a date? Are we going to go? No, you shouldn't be like, you shouldn't be worried about any of that. He should be the one up at night. Worried about you about losing you because you are such a goddess. A goddess is not up at night. Or like sitting at home canceling plans with their friends, because he might call we might have plans later. Either you do or you don't have plans bay, like there isn't a, we might like, if you think you might like you don't, you have plans with your girlfriends. That's what you have plans with. Like you're not sitting at home. Waiting for him to make the plans the men are the ones furthering the relationship, furthering the connection, furthering the progression of the relationship. They're the ones that are asking you on the dates. They're the ones. Asking you to be their girlfriends. They're the ones asking you to give their wives? Like they're the ones. Pursuing you and furthering the relationship in this second, you are reaching for them, and the second that you are trying to further the relationship you've lost your power. No. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Men need to be the ones. Driving the relationship forward and pursuing you and progressing the relationship. And if, for whatever reason, they're not. And you're sitting there and you're working on yourself and you're pursuing your own life. First of all, there's just no way that's going to happen because you're so amazing. They're going to be up at night, worried about losing. You're thinking of. More ways to accommodate you and lock you down because You're a dream girl. you're so amazing. You're out there doing your own thing. Worried about yourself, out with your girlfriends. Getting your haircut on taking care of yourself. Of course he's chasing you. Of course, he's doing everything in his power. To lock you down and pursue the relationship further and accommodate you and make you happy. That's how you get princess treatment. That's how you get the dream life and the dream relationship. It all starts and ends with you, babe. You got this? And I got it. I Feel like I was a selective dream girl. Some people have like selective listening. Like I was selectively a dream girl. At the beginning of the relationship or when I'm single, I am the dream girl, I have the essence, I have the attitude. I have the filling, I ha I live by it, but like, you start to catch feelings and you want to accommodate them. But also too why do we start to fuss about the relationship? Why do we start to worry about what he's doing? What pictures he's liking, Where he's going, who he's with, like what Sally at the next table? What do you thinks of salad? No, like why? And like, why are we getting insecure about the relationship and. I think if we are with a man that starts to make us feel insecure, we probably shouldn't be with that guy. Like we probably shouldn't be with that, man. He's probably not the one. He probably houses on insecurities. Or his own issues. That he hasn't dealt with and he's projecting them onto the relationship. And I think if you're at. The dream girl level in the beginning. And you start to feel anxious about the relationship where you start to feel like, you need to hold on tighter. You need to start to pursue him or. Keep tabs on him it should be assigned to you. To pull back, not to lean forward, lean into the relationship, pull back. And maybe take a second and be like, Hey, this guy that was pursuing me, who, is moving mountains, putting me on a pedestal. Now I'm worried about what he's doing. He's acting different. He's moving funny. He's being inconsistent. Why would that make me reach for him? That should make you want to pull back. I understand you like him, you care about him, but The character traits. and the characteristics that he's showing you now are not what he showed you in the beginning, the man that you fell for and form this attachment to is the man that you met in the beginning. So if he's being inconsistent, he's not really that guy, like you don't need to worry and you don't need to sweat and stress yourself about the sky and losing the sky. Because obviously he's showing you that he's not really this sky and pulling back and taking a step back in the beginning before, you get even more invested. We'll help in the long run, because if you start to pull back. And he doesn't immediately. Snap back. To reality and be like, oh my gosh, I'm about to lose my dream girl. I'm acting a fool and get it together. And got back in line then, he's not the one. Period. And you've saved yourself a lot of time. And he's just removed himself and created more space for the man that's actually going to be consistent and is actually your dream guy and the guy that actually deserves you. But if you're reaching for him, Instead. And he's has bad behavior. He's seeing that. Oh Being inconsistent, I'm pushing the boundaries and she's reaching for me. As opposed to pulling back, my dream girl would pull back. My dream girl would not tolerate that. She would be like, what is this? This is not what I signed up for. This is not the man that I fell for. This is not who you presented yourself to be. And. Yeah, I would lose respect for you too, babe. I take you off the pedestal to like you and to it's crazy. Why are we acting like this? I understand where lover girls were like. We should love the man that we fell for and he should continue to show up as that man. And when he's not like. Pull back, babe. Pull back. another thing that. I've learned miss independent, over hearing, is to be open to receiving. I feel like in the beginning of relationships sometimes, especially. If the guy, is Successful or whatever. And he wants to like, do nice things to me, buy me nice things in the beginning of the relationship. And I'm just like, slow your roll there. And I think I had honorable intentions. I think, I didn't want him to use his money or like status or like whatever to impress me. I want him to use his personality and just be confident, not, and also I didn't, want him to think. That I was using him or like a gold Digger, like whatever, but it's just like, why am I worried about what he thinks again, these people pleasing tendencies and literally worrying about him and the relationship and like what he thinks like, who cares, what he thinks. I know I'm not. A gold Digger. I know that my intentions are honorable. I don't need to prove that to him by being like, I don't need your stuff. So anything nice. No, like men. Bond to us when they do nice things for us. And so let them even if he's using his resources, Because he's insecure or he has some kind of like alternative motive or whatever, like that. It says lesson to learn. It's not my job to teach him, like, why. Am I sitting over here trying to teach these grown men? No, if he wants to do something nice for you, if he wants to buy you something nice, like not him. Boss's journey that says lesson, be open to receiving because like, And might even come off as emasculating Or like rejection. And if you liked the guy, he wants to show you what he has to offer you let him. And also too, in the beginning of a relationship, it sets the precedent. If you want a provider, man, if you want a man that does things for you and surprises, you brings you guests, does nice things for you. And he's trying to do that in the beginning of the relationship. And you're like, no, like that doesn't even make sense. Let him, it doesn't matter. How early it is in the relationship, or whatever, if he wants to do something for you, let him. Especially, if you want a guy that wants to do things for you, like that's so weird, me being such a people pleaser and like overthinking and worrying so much about what someone thinks or what other people think like I'm messing up. My own relationship. Because of. I don't even know it doesn't even, it's so crazy. It's so insane. guys want to do things for us that, we either can't do for ourselves or we won't do for ourselves. And let them be that guy, let them do that. Even if you can do it yourself, let them. Let them. Literally. I'm in an era of let them if a guy wants to do something for me, let him, if he doesn't want to do something for me. Let him, like people are going to show you. You know who they are, their intentions, by their actions. And. could just sit back and not that. And move accordingly and prioritize yourself. Focus on yourself. And. Yeah. Just a lot of the things that I've learned recently, and I definitely am going to be taking a break from dating. not cause I'm like better, like whatever, but I think I need to get back to focusing on myself and becoming my own dream goal first and then I'll attract the right guy. But I know when I do finally put myself back out there that I'm going to move a lot differently. I'm not just going to be a selective dream girl. I'm going to be the dream girl always and forever

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And also too. Going off of what I said, like that's his lesson to learn. Like it's not my job to teach him. I feel like I been in relationships before. Where I was trying to like heal the man I was with. And it's just like, why am I. Trying to heal this grown man and teach this grown man. like, why am I. Trying so hard. Two. Make a relationship work with this unhealed demand or teach this man. like this man has grown or like he's growing into himself, whatever. Some guys are young, like I'm still like relatively young FID, someone my own age. Like he's still growing. Why am I trying to. Do the growth for him? Do the healing for him. people. Grow the most after they fall and They have to dust themselves off and they have to figure it out. And it's just like, why am I trying to save. This man from his biggest growth points. Whether or not I think this man is my husband first of all, who he is now? No, he's not like I've done my work. I've done making Lang he's not doing his, why am I trying to save him from his own growth and his own healing? I'm doing a disservice to him. I'm enabling him. And like maybe once he actually falls. Picked himself up grows through this grows into himself. Maybe then he'll actually be worthy of being my husband, maybe he'll be worthy of the woman that he was trying to reach for up on this pedestal. Like, why am I bringing myself down? To try to like, fix him over here, like Barbara, the builder, fix this guy when That's his job. Like he needs to grow into a salt lake. He needs to be the man that I deserved though, is a worthy of a goddess like me, of a woman like me, it's just crazy. I shouldn't be wanting to raise my son with a man that's healed, not healing, this grown man and trying to raise someone else's son like that doesn't even make sense. And I'm not saying people can't change. People can't grow into themselves. Like maybe this person that you're dating he's being inconsistent. He, as on healed, he has trauma. I'm not saying he's not your husband. He probably isn't. But he's Definitely not your husband now, but let him go. Let them go. Let him try to grow into himself and then see if he becomes worthy of you and that person, and if not, it's a, win-win like he's going to go off. And he is going to learn these lessons and he's going to grow and he's going to be better off and he's going to be happy. And you're going to find someone you're aligned with you're going to find your true king. I heard this recently on Instagram and it definitely struck a chord with me. I got emotional. It basically said that sometimes we meet people in order to show them the way. And sometimes people meet us to show us that. The way we were going wasn't the right way. And what he meant was that sometimes we meet people to show them what unconditional love is, especially, If they weren't shown it, going up. Like they never really experienced it. They've always chose partners that, you know, hot and. Motive or some kind of agenda or whatever, especially, if that mimicked the way they grew up with their parents or they just never felt worthy of love or They had to achieve in order to get love or they had to buy their love or whatever. And so they continuously pick partners that mimic that so they can try to hopefully heal that. And then, they met you. And they maybe weren't ready for you, but you know, you showed them what true genuine authentic love is and they showed you that, maybe you are a little bit too naive with that love and who you have chosen to show it to, and I'm sure like you had your own wounding and your own lessons to learn there and I think this is kind of part of that. And Yeah, they show you that maybe not everyone is ready for that love And there's a lesson in it for both of you and like they're going to take that love that you gave them and integrate those lessons and hopefully go off and be happy and you're going to learn to discern better and share your love with people that deserve it and people that are worthy of it and, I think some of that. You have to give back to yourself. I'm not saying you don't love yourself because I definitely do, you may be like, Prioritize other people before yourself. And you need to give that back to yourself and then you're going to meet other people that are more aligned and that are more worthy of that love and that attention. I think I've had that last thing a few times and I think I finally have really integrated it going forward and yeah. I never need to get revenge or like payback or anything like any love I gave to a partner's they're sticky because I know they definitely needed it and it's made me better. In the long run, you know, like always better, never better. Okay. I can be better sometimes. but I always come back to myself. I always come back to my highest self and I'm like, okay Back to dream girl, what would dream girl do? And sometimes if you aren't really sure you don't have clarity around who your dream girl is. Find someone to emulate and I'll copy but like an archetype I heard this on a different podcast. She was talking about this book, it's called the art of seduction and there's different archetypes that you naturally lean towards and you can figure out which one is yours and, start to emulate that and start to not use ought to like manipulate, but just how to wheels your own personal power and what your strengths are and, think of even characters in a movie to The dream girl in the movie, like how does she, I taught as she carry herself, like the Angelina Jolie, like the margot Robbie, the whatever are they pining out or a guy, or are they worried about themselves as they focus on themselves? And it's just Remembering who you are and the, you are the main character and you are the leading Laney of your life and of his life if this is really your king and start acting like a, Let me guys.

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I've also learned a lot too recently about my platonic relationships and that not everybody has the same heart and the same loyalty as me which was another difficult thing, but I think there's just a part of growing up and like a part of life and I've learned to keep my private life a lot more private. I think I used to a lot more and then with an old friend group that I had, I felt a need to share more and open up more and it's good. Like it's good to share. It's good to open up with your friends. That's how you create bonds and that's how you get closer. But it was weird. It was a weird dynamic. Like I almost felt like I needed to share more of my hardships or like my downfalls or like bad things that happen or about things that I went through and it wasn't just to get come for or whatever. It was like to get them to like me more. It was like, They fell like I was this like super perfect person. And I thought in my head that if I shared more Hey, I'm human too. I get hurt too. I get heartbroken too. It would make me more likable and like more human to them, which I've come to realize that those people were never my friends, because anyone that is celebrating your downfalls or like secretly yes. Oh my God. Madeline failed or something's gonna work out her weight like those are all your friends. If your people want to see you fall. They're not your friends. If you think you need to dull yourself down so people will like you, we don't like those people. We don't care about those people. I remember one time. I had a girl, she was my friend. She was joking. Also pay attention to the way people joke about you because they're not joking. No. I remember she was like, oh, Madeline's so perfect. We should just throw her into a volcano and sacrificed her. I don't even remember what she was talking about, but it was just like, what, I'm not perfect. Like obviously. I'm going to play solar so many times, like so embarrassing, things don't work out for me all the time, but actually life life's me a lot, a lot of stuff happens to me. So I have someone to wisdom for someone my age, like I'm way too wise for someone my age. Obviously a lot of shit has gone wrong, but I don't need to lead with that to get people to like me. That's crazy. Those are not my friends. Those are not people that I care about liking me. What. I want friends that want to build me up and celebrate me and they're like, wow you're so great. You're such an inspiration. Like I want to be around people that inspire me and that I think are great. I want friends that fill my cup up and add to me and help me grow. Like, why would I want to be friends with someone who leads with Bad things. That happened to them. Like the same with like self-deprecating humor. I feel like I used to use that a lot in my early twenties, because I felt like it would make people like me better, but one you're introducing that to your subconscious and to again, these are not your friends who cares, but they don't like you because you're a shiny star. I'm sorry, those are lame. Like, why don't you work on yourself? It's just crazy. Yeah. So anyways, keep your private life private. I remember I used to open up about my relationship and sometimes if we're having problems, like I would talk about it with some of my girlfriends or whatever. And then they literally would slide into his DMS and engage with him and I knew we were having problems and Try to be with him. They literally would be like, oh, he's trashed. You should break up with him immediately. And then they would go try to be with them, like crazy. And luckily this man, despite our problems had some kind of loyalty to me and he would always tell me and I'd be like, wow, it's crazy. Like really. Really Brittany, I should break up with him, that's, I don't have a friend named Britney, but so just be careful, you don't need to share your private life. And also I get it like you want to advise sometimes. And sometimes we just want to vent, like understand. But at the end of the day I think, you know exactly. What you want to do about your relationship? You know what you're ready to do and what you want to do. And despite what your friends. Says and what kind of advice they give you? You're going to do what you're going to do regardless. And yeah. I get it. I love talking about boys with my friends. and if you don't know, like you don't have that internal wisdom or you're not sure you need clarity. Journal about it. Meditate about it. And also too, like, why do you think that like, so-and-so has so much more wisdom about your situation than you do? She's not in the relationship. He's not in their relationship. They don't know. Also. Are they in a relationship that you look up to. Are they in a dream relationship don't ever take advice or take advice with a grain of salt. from someone, if they're not in a situation. That you would trade places with Take advice from, like mentors and stuff. And it's they're mentors because they've achieved something that you want and you look up to them. But if they don't have the dream relationship or the dream dynamic in the relationship, which is like more key. Cause there definitely are people that I know that like from the outside they have like a dream relationship. But I know the dynamic within the relationship is like, Quite the opposite or not the dream. Like they had to give up like everything about themselves to be in that relationship or change everything about themselves. And that's not my dream. That might be other people's dream. I don't know. I'm not here to pass judgment. But. I don't like. Just think about that, and I get it sometimes you want to vent sometimes, just don't talk about stuff, but I think there's just certain things in certain details that you can keep to yourself and. People are going to show their true colors. One way or the other, like the truth is going to come out. And this way though, you can save yourself a lot of drama and a lot of heartache by not oversharing and keeping your private life private. That is just my advice for that. Anyways. I hope that this has been helpful to you guys. It definitely has taken me way too long to. Figure this out and learn this lesson. And integrate all of this. And it's probably something that I'm always going to have to be mindful of because they think as a former lover girl, it's easy to slip back into these patterns. That's why these are patterns There's a reason why we attract certain people. Like I've definitely seen. And I think there's some truth to it where people say like psychologists and stuff that we wound match. And we attract certain people to. Mash certain wounds that we have, like whether that's from childhood or whatever. And the point of this is these people literally ignite these wounds that we have. And it's like in order to heal them in order to finally. Integrate and move on and make a different choice next time. especially when we're trying to manifest a dream relationship or a dream partner, the universe will send us test. The universe will test us the most. And I've talked about this before. The universal Tussaud's the most right before a big manifestation is about to come through. Literally when we're doing the work we're healing, we're reprogramming. Were rewriting limiting beliefs. The universe will test us. They'll be like, are you really. A vibrational match for what you're asking for, for what you're calling in. And you're like, yeah, of course. I've done all the work. Like I'm there. I'm there, babe. I'm there. And it's like, are you really And sometimes these tests are hard to pass. It'll look like maybe the dream, but there'll be like little things, to test you and trip you up. Little things. Just to see are you going to settle for what you settled for before? Are you going to fall back into patterns that you've fallen for before? Are you really. A vibrational match to what you're calling in. And. it's okay. I felt that to us so many times. There's literally these rails it's fool me once, fool me twice, fool me that 37 time. Like. Well, I Got to be, keep fooling me, like it's so funny, but God, I love the internet. But it's true, What sooner or later you got to figure it out. We got to integrate and we got to move different because if we really want Laura asking for we got to change and that's why two When you're asking for, a new life or to level up, or Huge big things. You have to make space for them. And like other things have to go away. They have to crumble away. And that's why sometimes You feel like everything is wrong, everything is crumbling away. And it's literally like your old life. Or like these old partners that aren't align these old friendships that aren't aligned and it's to make space for the new. And I get it I've got my heartbroken by guys that I loved. And I thought we had such an amazing connection, but when you think about it this way, I'm sure you've had other guys in your life that you thought you loved, or like you had a really strong connection to, and you got over them and you were just fine. You were able to open your heart again. And despite, like what has happened? In a relationship like that person showed me that I can open my heart again. And I'm always going to be grateful. I showed me I could get over someone. I never thought I could get over. Wow. Okay. So if I could get over that person, I never thought I would get over. Like I can get over this person too. And I'm going to be okay. And also You are so amazing and there's so many people. That want to get to know you and want the opportunity to love you and show you the world and do nice things for you and make your life easier. So it's up to you to create space for those people and open portals to meet those people. To like, have those blessings and be open to receiving and it's honestly like a disservice you're so great. To close yourself off from all these other people who want to meet you and want to love you, continue to put yourself out there and. I allow these people to love you because you haven't met everyone. who's gonna want to love you yet. they're still on the way. And that's such a beautiful thing and there's just so much to be grateful for. And I get it, like heartbreaks sucks. It's the worst. But like at the end of the day Being grateful for the opportunities and the lessons and the connection that you did have, however long it lasted That's just going to open the door for so much more abundance and so much more love. and I hope this was helpful. if you liked this episode, please like comment and subscribe and share it with your friends. It really does help me. And I appreciate you guys so much and we'll talk soon. Bye.