14. Why He Had to Tear You Down After Losing You

Why He Had to Tear You Down After Losing You

It’s not about you — it’s his shame. Here’s what really happens when your light exposes someone who was never ready to grow.

In this episode of 'Becoming Sunshine,' the host discusses the emotional and psychological impact of betrayal by someone once cherished as a best friend and closest ally. Through a deeply personal narrative, the episode explores themes of loyalty, self-worth, and the process of reclaiming one's power after being wronged. The discussion covers the tactics used by people to project shame and insecurity onto others, the importance of maintaining personal boundaries, and the strength found in self-trust and authenticity. The host shares lessons learned about discernment, letting go of toxic relationships, and the futility of over-explaining oneself to those who don't value or respect you.

00:00 Intro: When Loyalty Backfires
00:30 Emotional Whiplash and Reclaiming Power
02:07 Understanding Shame Projection and Ego Protection
06:14 Lessons in Vulnerability and Self-Worth
08:53 The Importance of Boundaries and Self-Respect
12:07 Stop Explaining. Start Healing
17:14 The Glow-up is the Closure

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Welcome to Becoming Sunshine—the podcast where real talk meets self-evolution. This isn’t about being your highest self 24/7 or pretending healing is always pretty. It’s about learning through lived experience—friendships, heartbreaks, glow-ups, setbacks, boundaries, and everything in between. 

Each week, I share unfiltered stories, honest lessons, and the moments that cracked me open and helped me grow. We’ll talk love, self-worth, emotional intelligence, leveling up, and bec

Transcript

Madeline: 0:00

Welcome to Becoming Sunshine. For those of you that know me, you know that Sunshine has been an alias of mine for almost a decade now, and sunshine also is me becoming my highest self, and that's what this podcast is about. I'm here to help you understand yourself better and maybe learn some more about myself along the way. Thanks so much for joining me. I'm excited.

0:26

Hey friends. Welcome back to Becoming Sunshine. So today I am talking about a recent experience and realization and it's about the emotional whiplash of how someone can go from calling you the love of their life to trying to humiliate you publicly. this episode is really about reclaiming your power, and when people try to rewrite a narrative in order to shift their own guilt and shame. So this guy cosplayed, as my biggest fan and like my best friend, and the next day is talking shit about me to a table full of people trying to degrade and humiliate me and turn them against me. People at the table that actually aren't even nearly as close with me as I am with him were trying to stand up for me and tell him he was wrong. It really sucks when loyalty backfires. And yeah, when someone you truly care about and love and had their back and stood up for them turns on you and becomes your biggest op. Realizing that someone can say that they love you one moment and then trying to humiliate you the next, it's not just emotional and hurtful, it's destabilizing. It's knowing that someone that you prioritized, not only failed to protect you, they actively tried to harm you, your name, your dignity, and your peace. I think a lot of times when someone has truly lost you and they know how great of a person you are, They have to reduce you into something they can control or discredit as a last ditch effort to feel some kind of relief or power over the situation, especially if they can't reach you anymore. A lot of this comes from shame projection and ego protection and power and control, and honestly fear of taking accountability. I feel like there's a lot of psychology behind reputation management and when you are too good for somebody and they know it, or they messed up and fumbled you or lost you, and you're amazing, it's easier to shift the narrative and make you the villain or make you the bad guy than it is to take accountability and live with that guilt and that shame. if they lower you, it wasn't as much of a loss. When people can't sit in their own shame, they have to project it onto other people. Humiliation is often a last grasp at any type of control, and is something that weak, insecure people do. At the end of the day, I've always acted with love and compassion, and that doesn't have to change just because someone decided to choose cruelty. You have to remember who you are, especially when someone tries to distort your image or your reputation. It's not about controlling the narrative, you just have to let people misunderstand you. you can lead by the way that you live and people can figure out the truth on their own and come to their own conclusions. I used to think that being kind enough, being loyal enough, being compassionate, understanding, empathetic, would get people to see me the way that I saw myself and have a certain opinion of me. But the person that I thought cared about me the most and the person that I prioritized was actually the person that turned out to be my biggest hater. We should never let others define our worth, no matter who it is and maybe this is just a lesson that I had to learn in general, as I'm trying to build this brand, as I'm trying to build this platform and share more of myself and becoming who I wanna be. The more I put myself out there, the more people are gonna talk. And the more people talk, the more negative things people are gonna say. So I think in order for me to have skin thick enough to deal with that and to go unfazed, maybe I needed the person that I thought was closest to me, to be the one that turned into my harshest critic. I think if I'm able to survive my favorite person and my best friend betraying me and becoming my biggest enemy then yeah, it doesn't matter what people that I don't know or care about say about me online or anywhere else for that matter. Betrayal definitely hits the hardest when it comes from someone you protected, supported and loved unconditionally. This person admittedly has told me and other people closest to him, that I was the only person that ever really loved him and that I was the most amazing person that they'd ever met. And then to publicly try to degrade, shame and belittle me is pretty horrific, honestly. Especially when I was there for this person when really no one else was. even when they made mistakes, I never wanted to abandon them because I had so much compassion for their situation and what they'd been through, I knew that they didn't really have a lot of real ones in their life, And I just felt if I abandoned them or let them go, then they would really have no one. But I think we should normalize giving up on people because love and loyalty should never come at the cost of self abandoning and betraying yourself and lowering your own self-worth to be there and show up for someone else. I don't think the problem is being vulnerable. I think it's about giving that vulnerability to someone who's unworthy of it, and even then it's a lesson, not a failure. All of this is really just a lesson in choosing yourself. I tried to be there for this person, even when they betrayed my trust, and I think it just goes to show that when somebody betrays your trust and hurts you, you really can't take them back. You really can't forgive them, and I don't think it's a reflection of you and the person that you are. It's just you have to set that standard for yourself and the people that you're gonna have around you. especially with men, if you allow them to disrespect you, they're gonna just keep doing it. The only thing that comes from forgiving someone who disrespected you is more disrespect. That's all you get. I set a certain standard for myself and the people around me, but I think sometimes when my heart is involved, I have a lot of empathy. I have a lot of compassion. Sometimes, I wanna see the best in people, and I think maybe it's time to normalize, not always seeing the best in people, not always giving them the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, maybe somebody had a really difficult upbringing, a really difficult past. They've been going through some really hard times, but people know what they're doing, and if apologies and words don't come with changed behavior, then it's not really an apology. It's not really love, it's just manipulation and people have to choose their own healing. I feel like who they were and the things they told me in confidence was really how they felt about me and about themselves. I think when he was with me, he was the man he wished he was, but unfortunately he wasn't actually that man, and so obviously he can't keep up that charade, it's not sustainable. I think he realized that and self-sabotaged and messed things up and having to live with that sucks. At the end of the day, I don't ever wanna feel bad for being loving, being real, and believing in someone. I don't think that's a weakness. I think it's strength and it shows the type of person that I am, and none of this was a reflection on me. It obviously has taught me some lessons in discernment and boundaries, and who deserves that part of me. Not everyone deserves the best parts of you, and when they show you that they don't, believe them. Just because someone else couldn't meet you where you were, doesn't mean you need to shrink yourself and someone else is gonna meet you where you are, and appreciate you for who you are and they're not gonna be jealous or cut you down or try to keep you small because they feel insecure, they feel inferior. This episode is really for any person who's ever felt used or discarded or publicly humiliated by someone that they cared about. It sucks to know that someone came to you to be vulnerable and they had little to no regard or respect for that. But people can only meet you as far as they've met themselves I think honestly I was a mirror for him and when he was with me, he felt truly seen, but being fully seen for who you are authentically when you're always wearing a mask is scary. you end up showing them what they aren't ready to become. I am so comfortable in my authenticity, and this is someone who's constantly wearing a mask to everyone else. I think I made him feel truly seen and then also unworthy because he's not the person that he is deep down and he knows it. I think too, when you're such a good person, and you wanna see the best in people, sometimes you're projecting your own goodness and your own light onto them, and it's not really who they are. It's not really who they're trying to be. People get to choose who they wanna be and who they wanna show up as, and someone who's choosing and prioritizing the mask that they wear as opposed to choosing themself, it has nothing to do with you. that's when it's time to let them go. I think the moment I finally realized that his opinion no longer mattered is when I lost my capacity to respect this person. I used to have the most respect for them, but at the end of the day, you have to take accountability and words without action and promises without actual change, those are just lessons. That's not love and that's not even a friendship, finally realizing that he was telling everybody different things. I finally just realized that he wasn't really working on his healing. He wasn't really changing, nothing was different and he was just continuing to lie to me like he had in the past. There's really no going back once you lose your respect for somebody. Love isn't about waiting for someone to grow into themselves. It's about being with someone who's already ready and already at the place where they can meet you. I think as a healer, I felt maybe I was with this person or this person came into my life'cause I was meant to heal them, but it's not your job to heal anyone else, and I think part of this was about me healing the need to feel like I need to heal other people and prioritizing people that didn't have the same loyalty and respect for me, and not worrying about controlling narratives. I think it's all just about valuing your own voice and your own opinion over the opinions of anyone else, no matter who they are. A lot of this too comes from having an anxious attachment style. Feeling like you have to overexplain yourself or have to be understood I used to feel the need to justify myself to people and now I'm just like okay, you don't understand me, you don't like me. That's fine. We can agree to disagree. I'm not for everyone. You're probably not my target audience. If the person I cared about most can betray me, then I don't really care about anyone else's opinion, honestly. I think these experiences that I'm having are in order to shift these patterns and these behaviors that I've had for a long time. Moving with more self-trust, choosing silence and no longer overexplaining myself. If this had happened a few months ago, maybe even a few weeks ago, or maybe even a few days ago. Honestly, if this had happened, I might have felt the need to call him or reach out or text him, be like oh my gosh, I can't believe blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it's like I don't feel the need to ever talk to this person again. I don't feel the need to ever answer another phone call. I don't feel the need to be there for them when they have no one else. I don't feel the need to be anything. I don't need to explain myself. I don't need an explanation. I feel like I used to need so much closure whenever somebody would do me wrong. I couldn't understand it or wrap my head around why somebody that I cared about or I thought cared about me or even said that the best thing that ever happened to them, how they could do me so dirty, and it's just like you're not meant to understand and you don't understand'cause you would never do what they did to you. It doesn't make sense to you. It's not going to, there's no explanation, there's no clarity They can give you. I've had conversations with this man so many times and like obviously it's on me, fool me 10,000 times. Always thinking that this person was gonna grow into themselves and having hope for that and that they were gonna become the person that they always painted themselves to be when they were around me, but you have to look at the actions and at the end of the day, honestly, it doesn't matter who they are, it doesn't matter if it's a parent, if it's a sibling, if it's an aunt, it's a best friend, it's a boyfriend. If someone continuously betrays your trust and cuts you down or adds stress to your life. Even if they come to you and they tell you that they're working on themselves and healing. For months this person's like, all I care about is healing and being healthy and rebuilding, and meanwhile they're out on their bullshit like they were back when they were spiraling. Trying to tell me they healed all these patterns and it's like just seeing and hearing from multiple people that they're doing the same shit they always have been doing. There's no work that has been done. They're not trying to work on themselves. Loyalty and love can't come at the cost of self abandonment. This person I used to have so much love and respect for and I believed in them so much and I wanted to believe in them. I think a big part of it like I said, is because I wanted to believe in my own opinion of them, and I didn't wanna be wrong about them'cause being wrong about someone I cared about so much would've been very upsetting, but at the end of the day, The version of you that you may be sacrificing in order to make this person happy or be there for this person, what cost is that coming to you? I think the biggest lesson in all of this is to not worry about narratives or what people think because the person that you love and care about the most Can become your biggest critic, but their voice doesn't have to drown out your truth. You don't need to fix the story, and you can just live in a way that makes the truth undeniable, because tables do turn and karma is real and everybody gets what they deserve. If someone doesn't have any real friends, maybe instead of trying to be a real friend to this person, maybe ask yourself why. Why that is? Because I make friends everywhere I go. For example, when this happened, there was people at the table that were standing up for me that don't even really know me that well, and this person like we've shared our souls to each other and they're the ones trying to rip me down and turn people against me. Yeah, it's crazy. I hope this episode was helpful and I think the lesson in this, aside from the obvious, not continuously giving people who hurt us chances because that's not love, that not loyalty, that's just self abandonment. But also if there's something that you wanna do. If you wanna put yourself out there, if you wanna make content, if you wanna speak your truth, if you wanna do something don't be afraid of what people are gonna say, what people think, because the person that you care about the most and the person whose opinion that you value the most might actually be your biggest hater. So at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter, the only person's opinions that matter are your own. Don't let other people's opinions or narratives dictate how you live your life because just living the way that you want will speak for itself. don't ever feel bad or stupid in the situation where you gave someone too many chances because it says more about your humanity, compassion, and your heart than it does about your judgment. It's okay to wanna believe in people, but I think you have to know that after a certain point, you're not doing them any favors. You're actually enabling them from doing their own healing, because if someone can continuously come to you and you're their safe space and be vulnerable with you, and then they're back on their bullshit the next day and it's just a pattern, you are not helping them heal. Sometimes people have to be truly at their lowest and not have people to run to and support and enable them before they actually change. Especially with men, they don't change until they have to, and if they really lose everything that keeps them stabilized and lifts them back up when they've been running amok, then they'll be forced to actually change and do something. In the meantime just work on yourself and focus on yourself and your healing. Being the one that got away, and got their life together and had a major glow up, that's a flex. I'd rather be that person than the person that stayed with the person that never grew into who they are, and the person that waited for someone to grow into who they are, because that might not ever happen, especially if you're still there enabling them when they're not ready, or choosing to change. Anyways, I hope this episode was helpful and I will catch you guys next time. Bye. Love you.