24. ADHD Didn't Ruin My Life - Not Understanding It Did

ADHD Didn’t Ruin My Life — Not Understanding It Did

In this episode, I’m opening up about something deeply personal that I’m still actively learning and integrating: my late diagnosis with ADHD and the clarity, grief, and healing that came with finally understanding how my brain works.

For most of my life, I thought something was wrong with me, that I was lazy, inconsistent, emotional, overwhelmed, or just not living up to my potential. I constantly felt like I was falling behind, struggling with things that seemed easy for everyone else, and masking internal chaos that no one could see. But discovering that I’m neurodivergent helped everything click into place, and for the first time in my life, I feel compassion for myself instead of shame.

I’m sharing my real experience with:
✨ Internal chaos and time blindness
✨ Hyperfixation, rumination, and emotional overwhelm
✨ Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) & attachment patterns
✨ Masking, perfectionism, and people pleasing
✨ Eating the same foods, routines, and sensory needs
✨ Meditation, nervous system regulation, & healing my autoimmune disease
✨ How ADHD shaped my relationships, self-worth, and identity
✨ Why understanding yourself changes everything

And most importantly:
How ADHD became my superpower instead of something that held me back.

If you’ve ever felt misunderstood, overwhelmed, “too much,” or like you’re not reaching your potential, you are not broken. You are not lazy. Your brain is simply wired differently, and once you have the tools and support you deserve, you become unstoppable.

💛 If this episode resonates, please share it with someone who needs to hear it.
💛 Message me on Instagram, I’d love to hear your story and build community around this.

Welcome home to yourself.
You belong here.

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Transcript

Madeline: 0:00

Welcome to Becoming Sunshine. For those of you that know me, you know that Sunshine has been an alias of mine for almost a decade now, and sunshine also is me becoming my highest self, and that's what this podcast is about. I'm here to help you understand yourself better and maybe learn some more about myself along the way. Thanks so much for joining me. I'm excited.

0:26

Hey friends, welcome back to Becoming Sunshine. So this is something new that I've been dealing with and usually when I talk about stuff and make an episode, I've given myself time to integrate, but this one's really important and a lot of people can probably relate. Honestly, listening to other people's podcasts and listening to other people talk about their journey, with this turned a light bulb on in my head and helped me realize oh, that actually sounds so similar. That resonates, I think maybe this is something I need to look into. I found out a couple months ago that I have ADHD and I feel like a lot of people, in their early adulthood or in their early thirties are realizing that they're neurodivergent, and so I just wanna normalize that. I think in our early twenties we don't really think about these things, and when we start to get to our later twenties, early thirties, there's just so much more awareness that we have. When we're trying to build our careers and our romantic relationships, we start to realize things are a little bit harder than maybe they should be. Like, Hey, maybe we could make something easier or we can look into this. I had suspicions for a few months, and I'm always listening to wellness podcasts and there was a girl talking about how she realized that she had ADHD. She started talking about her journey and some of her symptoms and the things she was struggling with and I was just like, oh, wow sounds familiar. And then I had a friend recently talking to me about their journey with it and how once they got on medication, their whole life changed and everything just clicked and they were finally able to get ahead and be successful. And I was just like, wow that sounds so great. So I looked into it, got some testing done, and turns out yeah, I have ADHD. Now that I'm learning more about it, I am recognizing all these symptoms that I've had my entire life and all these coping mechanisms that I developed over the years as a way to mask. It's just crazy how much of my personality and my life has been dictated by this, and I just had no idea. But I think it's valid when your brain has been a certain way your entire life. You don't know that other people don't think the same way as you, and you think it's normal. I just wanna say for anyone that maybe is feeling something similar, it's worth looking into, and also so validating when you realize hey, there is actually something going on and there is something you can do to help support you and help things work better. I just wanna give licensing to anyone who's thinking about something like that. I felt so much clarity and so many things made so much sense, like in my relationships and the way that I process things. It also just made me feel so much compassion for myself. I used to carry so much shame because things just were hard for me or I struggled with things in a way that didn't seem like everyone else did. Now that I'm on medication, my thoughts are so much more organized. I feel like my speech patterns are completely different. I even feel like the podcast feels different now. I'm just like, wow, I feel so clear. My brain finally works like it's supposed to. It's crazy, at this big age, who knew? I feel like even as a little girl, my parents knew I was a little bit different, but to be fair, I really don't think that we had the resources and the education that we do now. I feel like there's so much more literature for parents on neurodivergent children. My parents always just thought I was daydreaming. They used to say that I would always go to Maddie World. Turns out that's a symptom. I wasn't going to Maddie world I just had ADHD, crazy. As a little kid, it was so hard for me to make decisions. I had to think of every possible outcome before I made a decision. It was almost like I had decision paralysis, and also I would hyper fixate on people, situations, conversations or just anything I was interested in. I would go down these crazy research rabbit holes and spend hours learning everything about it. In a way that's a superpower, because when I got sick with my autoimmune disease, I literally learned everything that I could about it. I read so many books, I bought courses. I learned literally everything that I could, and I ended up getting myself into remission. I feel like when it comes to things I'm interested in and passionate about, I go so deep. I have so many books, I have a whole cabinet, in the front hall, just full of books. I love listening to podcasts and audio books. I love learning and self-improvement, but it was so hard for me to sit still and read a book. If I'm listening to an audio book or a podcast, I can be doing other things and I just thought it's'cause I like to be productive. But no, I just cannot sit still. I always have to be doing a bunch of things and yeah, it's ADHD, it's not being hyper-productive. It's funny and it's also sad, realizing so many parts of my personality are because I have ADHD and it's cool, but also I am like, how did I not see this before? I guess you don't know what you don't know, and if you've been a certain way your entire life, how would you know? I was always late for things. Even if I gave myself plenty of time. I would just lose time. Doing mundane tasks would just take me so long. It would take me so long to get through my day or it would be four o'clock and I'd be like, oh my God, what did I do today? What happened? Whenever I was dating a guy, I would be getting ready, and I know that every girl getting ready has her process and we don't like to be rushed and guys understand this. They do, and it never came from a place of anger, they were never upset. It was like a place of concern and confusion. Guys would be like, you take so long to get ready, or they'd be like, you take the longest of any girl I've ever met, and I don't even do that much. Things would take me so long. I would zone out. Even if I gave myself plenty of time to get ready, somehow I would end up still being late. Another thing that I didn't realize was a symptom. I always just thought since I had these allergies and sensitivities that me wanting to eat the same foods all the time was just'cause I had to, but honestly, even if I didn't have to, I would still eat the same foods in rotation all the time. I go to the same five restaurants, I'll eat the same thing for breakfast every day. I'll order the same latte. I walk the same route. I like to work out and do the same routines. I will eat the same sandwich every day for two weeks until I get sick of it, then I'll eat something else and then eat that every day until I get sick of it. I remember with dating, we would be ordering food or wanting to go to a restaurant, I would just wanna eat the same thing, and they're just like, we just had that. And I'm just like, yeah, I know but I like it, like you can get what you want. Because my mind is always going a thousand beats a minute. I think there's comfort in structure and routines and not having to make decisions, it's soothing for my nervous system. Until you're in a relationship or with a partner you don't realize the quirks that you have'cause you just normalize them. It wasn't until these things started to impact my life and my productivity and it was hard for me noticeably to get ahead that I was like, okay, something's going on. I do have thyroid issues, and I would get brain fog whenever I was having flareups, but I was like this feels different. This doesn't feel like thyroid symptoms. Now that I have this awareness and I'm reading more about it and I'm learning more about it, it's so validating and it's been so helpful. I have so much compassion for my younger self and for myself, literally up until a month ago. we're not crazy, we're not lazy, we're not incompetent, we just didn't have the support that we needed. I would be so excited about a project or something I was working on, or just have these spurts of energy and I would be so dialed in, and then I would be so burnt out, and It was just these cycles. The emotional overwhelm was definitely really hard growing up and in my early twenties. My early twenties were objectively traumatic, so I'm gonna give myself grace on that, and everyone gets upset, I understand that, but with ADHD, your brain doesn't make enough dopamine, so it's common to deal with more mild anxiety or depression. That's why meditation used to help me so much. I used to meditate every day, twice a day and I need to get back to that. I feel like meditation does something similar for my brain as taking medication does. Honestly, when I was meditating twice a day, I was able to heal my body and get my autoimmune disease into remission. A big part of why I developed an autoimmune disease is honestly probably a lot of the emotional overwhelm and trauma in my body from years of dealing with this or not having the support and the tools that would've helped me. I just thought all this internal chaos was normal. I thought everyone dealt with this stuff. Growing up my parents didn't recognize it, and I don't think it was just my parents, I think culturally if you weren't hyperactive as a kid in school teachers didn't really think there was anything wrong. I always did really well in school. I always had really good grades. I was really smart and well behaved, so from the outside, no one really suspected anything. I was a daydreamer, just always in my head. Everyone just thought I was really creative, which I am. Growing up I like struggled to learn to read, but I was so creative even my teachers would be like, oh, don't worry about that. We don't wanna stifle her creativity. She'll learn to read eventually. Okay. It's okay guys. I can read now and I'm super creative, so I turned out okay. But I feel like there was this silent suffering and I didn't have the language to explain it to anyone. Again, I didn't know that other people didn't feel the same way. With ADHD, things being more challenging for you, it's misinterpreted. I remember my dad would say I was so lazy that if I had to work to breathe, I would stop breathing. I know he was joking, but as a kid, I think I internalized so much shame from that. I was like, oh my gosh, can I not do things or are things harder for me because I'm lazy fundamentally, I'm a lazy person? I feel like because of that shame I developed these perfectionistic tendencies and I felt like I had to be perfect at everything. If I didn't do things to a certain standard, I would ruminate on them and I would hyper fixate on my mistakes. I would spiral, so it's like from the outside maybe everything comes easy to me and I'm perfect, or I think that I'm perfect or whatever, but I'm actually so overwhelmed and struggling. It's crazy to think that adults look at kids and can just misunderstand them so much or just be almost jealous of a kid. I remember my uncle, at his big age, his grown man big age felt like it was his job to humble me when I was a kid because he felt I thought I was so perfect and better than everyone, and it was his job to humble me and knock me down. I can't imagine being a grown man, being jealous of a little girl and thinking that you need to crush her self-esteem and sense of self-worth and that's your role and that's a gift and you're helping her. So yeah, I definitely had a lot of masking that I did growing up and perfectionism became a survival tactic, and into adulthood I definitely carried that with me. I used to be friends with a group of, for lack of a better word, mean girls and they would say the same kinds of things that I was so perfect or everything I did was perfect and hated on me for it. It's just like one, those are not really your friends, and two, it's just I have to do things a certain way so that I don't go crazy. Instead of hating on me, maybe think about the level of neurosis that I deal with every single day and other people like me, and instead of being hateful or judging us or being mean, maybe just feel sorry for us. Looking around my apartment, everything is intentional, everything is curated. I was outlining this podcast and I was looking around at my apartment and I was just like, wow, this is an ADHD girls dream apartment. There's not a cup or a book or a vase that I didn't buy with intention that isn't perfectly curated. Every piece of furniture in my house is a piece of art in itself. The whole aesthetic, my living room, my bedroom, everything is neutral, light colored, soft tones and textures and just very comforting and monochromatic. I just look at my living room or my bedroom and I can exhale, and I feel like it's because of all of the internal chaos. My external world and my environment needs to be so soothing and calm. I'm overstimulated by a lot of colors or a lot of patterns, it feels like chaos to me. As an ADHD girly, creating a home that is nervous system safety is so important. Every piece of furniture and the whole aesthetic is just dopamine regulation. People hated on me for needing things to be aesthetic and perfect or beautiful, and it's like I don't make enough dopamine in my brain, so everything is to give me those hits of dopamine. Even my little doggies. I have created a world for myself where I created the ability to outsource my dopamine through my environment. Seeing beautiful things and getting those dopamine hits keeps me regulated and balanced. If my external world's not beautiful and aesthetic and calming, it just affects me so much more and instead of thinking I'm vain or I need things perfect or whatever. It's like these are literally survival things. These are coping mechanisms. Having compassion and understanding and not being so judgemental of everyone and realizing that people are the way that they are, it's important to them on a fundamental level. It's given me so much more understanding of myself and for other people. A lot of people that have ADHD, also have RSD, which is rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and that's basically an extreme reaction to rejection. Things that might not trigger somebody else are a lot more triggering to us. The way I grew up and the career that I chose definitely didn't help. Growing up I went to a bunch of different schools. My family moved around a lot, so I was always the new girl. So I equated belonging to survival. Now at this big age, I don't really care who doesn't like me and who doesn't accept me or who doesn't understand me, but it took me a long time to get here and as a kid in school, not fitting in and constantly being the new kid or being bullied, it's just so much more dramatic. You don't really have a lot of autonomy over your life and what you do and who you're around. It does matter, and so I feel like I carried those people pleasing tendencies and perfectionistic tendencies into adulthood, and I feel like I always had to be perfect in order to be loved or accepted or valued, but at the same time, like my uncle literally bullying me it was like, don't be too perfect though, because you don't wanna intimidate other people or they'll resent you. Having RSD, the way I can describe it, it's not just oh, my feelings are hurt, rejection, it felt like life or death almost. In my romantic relationships especially, I really struggled because if a guy rejected me or wasn't showing up for me in the way that I wanted. Instead of having the clarity to think about whether or not we were even aligned, or if I even liked him, I would just spiral and be like, oh my gosh what's wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me? I took it so hard, I wasn't able to think clearly and realize do I even like him? Is this even who I want? Do I even want someone that acts like this? Carries himself this way? Now, I have so much more clarity on that but I think when I was younger and before I realized that this is how my brain work, when you're in it, you don't understand. I remember I would just get so distraught over a guy, like the most mid guy too, I think about the guys now that I used to crash out on and I'm just like, I wouldn't even look twice at them now. It's so crazy. I heard a creator talk about this and I think it's so true. I feel like a lot of times girlies that have ADHD, they'll fall for a guy. And you didn't even like him at first. You weren't even attracted to him, but I think because we don't have enough dopamine, and I feel like these guys give us such a rush of dopamine we become attached to them and then we become obsessive over these guys. The same way that you're obsessive about your passions or your hobbies or a new sandwich that you discovered. Like I hadn't eaten chicken salad in years and I rediscovered it as an adult and I ate a chicken salad sandwich every day, probably for a month. It's the same with boys unfortunately. I'm realizing that, and i'm giving myself a lot of grace for mistakes that I used to make in relationships and attachments because it wasn't fully in my control. Now that I know what's going on and how my brain works, I feel like I have some autonomy I can take back. But getting obsessed with these guys, it didn't even make logical sense and getting so upset and it's literally just dopamine regulation and the role that played in my patterning and in my relationships. Realizing all of that now, it's just wild to me. Having RSD and ADHD just made it so much harder to regulate. I remember feeling like I couldn't function again until I had some resolution to whatever was upsetting me or what the rejection was. It was like self blame instead of self-questioning. I would just blame myself and think there's something fundamentally wrong with me instead of thinking about them. Most of the time their actions are usually a reflection of what's going on with them more often than not, and also it's usually someone I actually am not aligned with, and I don't actually like. I think understanding how all of this works and how your brain works and how everything is interconnected and being anxious and not having enough dopamine. Once you understand what you need to support yourself, so many of these problems just go away, or at least you have understanding so you don't feel outta control or like a victim to the chaos. Hopefully me talking about this, other girls can recognize it and realize that they're not crazy or that this attachment that they're feeling, they don't have to feel bad. It's not even fully in your control, you're just not supported and dysregulated and you just need to have compassion for yourself and you need more tools. People with ADHD, the things that we struggle with are also our superpowers. I'm very perceptive and very socially intelligent, almost like I'm psychic. I know how things are gonna happen before they do, especially with people. I think that's helped me a lot throughout life and at work, I can profile a room, I can read people and situations really well. We're so empathic and just sensitive, but because we are so sensitive to people's energies, it's so draining. More draining than it would be for somebody who didn't have these same kind of abilities. That's why I need so much time to myself. I love being alone and I love coming home and being in my perfectly curated calming apartment that's very soothing for my nervous system. Having a space that's like your sanctuary is so important and having time to ground yourself and reset is so important. The most creative people pretty much always have ADHD. The pattern recognition, the almost psychic abilities to read situations and people, the attention to detail, our obsessiveness turns into mastery. That's why so many people that are neurodivergent, they're masters in their field because they just obsessively want to learn everything they can about what they're passionate about. Even though I've struggled because I haven't had the tools to properly manage this, now I do, and I feel like everything's finally gonna click. Once you have the support you need and you're not overwhelmed, you can use your gifts to actually get ahead and do what you're meant to do. Having ADHD and everything that comes with it really is a superpower. I have so much self-forgiveness now for myself'cause I think I used to not understand why I wasn't where I wanted to be. I was always at war with myself, and now I have so much compassion for my younger self and realizing that you're not broken, you're not lazy, you're not inconsistent, you just are overwhelmed and overstimulated and you just need support. You have some of the best gifts that are going to change the world and make it a more beautiful place. I hope this resonated with some people. It's definitely something I am still very early stages learning about and working through, but I've already seen so many changes in my life and things are just already getting easier, and now that I have the support, everything feels different. If this episode resonated with you or reminds you of somebody, send this to them if you think it would help them, and I will definitely keep you guys updated on my journey and things that are helping me. I feel like I'm finally able to like do everything that I wanna do and I have a clear roadmap. My brain doesn't feel as jumbled as before and I'm really excited. If my ADHD baddies ever wanna talk about what you're going through or if you have any advice or if you wanna know more about what's helped me, feel free to message me. I think having more community around this is really important. I just love too that the world is shifting and there's so much more awareness about this and it's more socially accepted or just like, I don't know, like being neurodivergent is cool. I feel like I'm part of a cool club now, and that's the way we should think about it. The things that maybe have held us back in the past. Once you have the tools, they're your superpower and they're the thing that makes you magical. So anyways, I love you guys. I'll talk to you soon. Bye