Parenting Through Suicide Loss: Reshma's Story | Healing Heroines

Reshma Kearney is a trauma-informed yoga teacher, mindfulness guide, and solo mom of three who lost her husband Sean to suicide in 2022. A former military family, they had just begun what felt like their forever chapter when everything changed.

In this conversation, Reshma speaks openly about the stigma that kept Sean from asking for help, why she reframes "signs of suicide" as "signs of risk," and what those first impossible months of grief actually looked like. She shares how small, accessible mindfulness practices became lifelines for her and her kids, and why letting her children see her fall apart may be the most important thing she's ever done as a mother.

This episode covers suicide loss, parenting through grief, nervous system regulation, and what it looks like to find joy again without leaving your person behind.

What You Will Learn

• [00:10:14] Why Reshma was shocked but not surprised by her husband’s suicide after years of unresolved struggle
• [00:11:58] Her reframing of “signs of suicide” into signs of risk and why that distinction matters for survivors
• [00:13:41] The compounding stressors — deployment, multiple moves, career transition, and alcohol use — in the year before his death
• [00:16:04] How stigma in the military and medical fields made him fear that seeking help would damage his career
• [00:19:41] What the early months of grief looked like: functioning for her kids while internally feeling no future for herself
• [00:21:07] The small 20-minute walking practice that became the first step toward caring for her own nervous system
• [00:23:52] How each child expresses grief differently — movement and anger, journaling and art, or needing nature and openness
• [00:30:37] What “accessible mindfulness” really means: stacking simple gratitude and grounding practices into daily life rather than adding more to-dos

 Resources Mentioned

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.) – Call or Text 988
  https://988lifeline.org
  
  
• Find a Helpline (International crisis support directory)
  https://findahelpline.com

Let’s Connect!

Reshma Kearney

Website | Instagram

Chandler Stroud

Website | Instagram | LinkedIn 

Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by Next Day Podcast.

Transcript

Chandler Stroud: Hey guys, it's Chandler and welcome to 

Chandler Stroud: the Healing Heroes. I promise you,

Chandler Stroud: I'm Chandler Stroud, an executive wife and busy mom of two who after years of living with anxiety health struggles and an unshakeable feeling like I should be happier, made a [00:01:00] profound discovery that changed everything. Join me on a journey where unexpected paths lead to healing and more happiness on this show.

Chandler Stroud: We'll. Explore unconventional ways to unlock more joy in your own life. With the help of my very own healers and trusted advisors, the healing Heroes.

Chandler Stroud: Hey everyone, and welcome back to the Healing Heroes podcast. I'm your host Chandler, and [00:01:30] today I'm sitting down for another one-on-one conversation with a healing heroine. For those new to the show, our healing heroines are women who have. Overcome hardship, tragedy, or trauma, either with the help of one of our healing heroes or who found their own support system or holistic approaches to healing and are now devoted to teaching women everywhere what they learned.

Chandler Stroud: Today's Healing heroine episode is one grounded in [00:02:00] deep courage. Our heroine re McCarney lost her husband Sean, to suicide in 2022. He was a lieutenant colonel in the army, an orthopedic surgeon, a father of three, and a man silently battling depression. What struck me most about Rema when we first connected wasn't just her resilience.

Chandler Stroud: But also her honesty. She speaks so openly about the stigma, the [00:02:30] fear around career, the burnout, the aftermath, and most importantly, parenting through grief. And now she uses Instagram not as a highlight reel, but as a healing space. This conversation is about the invisible weight so many military families carry.

Chandler Stroud: What suicide loss actually feels like, how mothers survive, what feels like the unsurvivable, and how small accessible mindfulness [00:03:00] practices can become lifelines. If you've ever felt alone in your grief or are trying to hold things together for your children in the aftermath of grief, this conversation is for you.

Chandler Stroud: First, let me tell you a bit more about our guest, Sima today before we begin. Sima Carney is a trauma-informed yoga teacher and healing guide who supports women and families navigating grief, trauma, and life after loss. [00:03:30] A widow, solo mom of three, and survivor of suicide loss. Her work is rooted in nervous system awareness and grounded mindfulness.

Chandler Stroud: REMA offers private one-on-one support, facilitated grief support groups and mindfulness programs for kids and for teens. Welcome. I'm so grateful that you're here. Thank you for taking the time to have such a vulnerable and honest conversation today. [00:04:00] I've really enjoyed getting to know you a little bit better just in the last several weeks, and I am truly so inspired by everything you're doing to help others who have walked this similar path.

Reshma Kearney: Thank you so much, Chandler, and I just, I feel like I need a moment. That was such a beautiful intro and I'm so honored to hear you speak so wonderfully about me, and I'm just honored to be here connecting with you and sharing space with you. 

Chandler Stroud: Well, the feeling [00:04:30] is 100% mutual. I'm really excited to go deep on this subject today and hear more about you and your kids and your life now.

Chandler Stroud: So as we always do, I would love to start with a quick warmup question just to get us going. So Ishma, what's one thing that you've done for yourself this week that's brought you peace or great joy? 

Reshma Kearney: Oh my gosh. Well, we just got back from a skiing trip in Whistler and so we got back two nights ago [00:05:00] and yesterday I did absolutely nothing.

Reshma Kearney: And that brought me so much joy. I did the bare minimum. I was taking my kids to their activities in the afternoon, still in my sweats that I had on the night before. So yeah, I, I took the day off and I have no guilt about it. 

Chandler Stroud: Good for you. I love that. It's really amazing how just creating even just some open space in your day with nothing on the calendar [00:05:30] can be so freeing, so liberating and exciting.

Chandler Stroud: I mean, that's kind of sad to say, but like I live for those blocks of time now. 

Reshma Kearney: I do too. And I have a, I, you know, I'm a paper girl, so I still have a paper calendar that I open up and when I see white space, it's like a big sigh of relief. 

Chandler Stroud: I bet. I bet. And I love that you're a paper girl. I think that's awesome.

Chandler Stroud: I kind of wanna make the switch back. I feel like the Google calendars are getting a little outta control. 

Reshma Kearney: Yeah. I love my calendar, [00:06:00] 

Chandler Stroud: so thanks Ishma. I really appreciate you sharing that. Now I think we're ready to dive into the meat of today's conversation, and I'd love to start by just, I'd love to hear you tell your story in your own words, and to the extent you're comfortable sharing with our listeners.

Chandler Stroud: What was Sean like when you met and what unfolded from there? 

Reshma Kearney: Sean and I met at the Centers for Disease Control. I had just finished a graduate [00:06:30] program in public health at Emory in Atlanta, and I was doing a fellowship, and he was in Connecticut at the time in medical school and took a year off to come down to Atlanta.

Reshma Kearney: And it's funny because there was a change in his assignment. He was originally going to be in the same department as one of my good friends. Who ended up marrying a Sean anyway, and he was in my department. And so it was an office [00:07:00] romance, which we always laughed about. And we, we started off as friends.

Reshma Kearney: I thought he was really funny and smart and you know, we'd be in meetings together kind of. Just like bouncing jokes off of each other and we slowly started to get to know each other better. And then we did the whole, you know, sneaking out for lunch separately so that nobody in the office knew. But when we finally told people, everyone knew I [00:07:30] think that happens to everybody trying to hide a relationship in a workplace.

Reshma Kearney: But he was. Just a multidimensional person, super smart, super high achieving, very down to earth, really active. You know, he, he was an avid skier. He. He ski, raced growing up and even took part in the Junior Olympics. [00:08:00] Wow. In Northeast. And it's funny because those things about him were amazing to me and I admired him so much, but he would never share those things with people.

Reshma Kearney: And fact, I would want to share those things, but he never did. He was just very humble and we had a very. Fast moving relationship. We started dating, we actually put a label on it in one month, and then [00:08:30] a month later his dad died and I had never met his dad. And it was one of those things where you're dating somebody, you really like them, something horrible happens in their, in their life, and you're either gonna stay or you're gonna leave.

Reshma Kearney: Right. Mm-hmm. And I stayed, and I think that accelerated the intensity of our relationship. And so we dated for only seven months [00:09:00] and got engaged. 

Chandler Stroud: Wow. 

Reshma Kearney: Dated for another eight months and got married and went off on a honeymoon for a week. And then immediately from Greece, we moved to Washington State.

Reshma Kearney: Where he was doing residency in orthopedics at the Army Medical Center, and the very next day he started residency. So everything was fast moving. And you know, now when I reflect back on our [00:09:30] life, that's just how our life was. It was constantly moving. He was constantly moving. And now looking back, it just makes me realize that that was not really the way he.

Reshma Kearney: Intended to be, but really like a coping mechanism. So when we met, I knew he had some challenges from childhood and even as a young adult [00:10:00] and as we moved together every year in our relationship, I started noticing depression and anxiety, but there was never a label for it. Okay. And, and so, you know, September 30th, 2022, he ended his life, and this is after 16 years of service in the Army.

Reshma Kearney: This is after, let's see, about four to five different moves. [00:10:30] This is after three kids after stillborn, before the three living kids, and. Even then, I was shocked that he ended his life. But now I'd say I wasn't surprised because we had all these things happening in our life together that he never fully processed, he never resolved.

Reshma Kearney: And, and so as I said, [00:11:00] I, I was shocked. Everybody was shocked, but not surprised that he didn't wanna be in this world. 

Chandler Stroud: Wow. Thank you for sharing that, Ishma. I really appreciate it and I think hearing you reflect back on feeling, I guess sort of shocked at the time, but not surprised when you look back in time.

Chandler Stroud: I'm wondering as you speak, when you [00:11:30] do look back at some of those moments that maybe stand out for you. Can you see where things maybe started to feel heavier for him? Like, did you know in any way, or, and I don't know if the right way to ask is like, were there signs that made you feel less surprised as you think back in time now?

Reshma Kearney: Yeah. Well, it's interesting that you ask, were there signs? I, I, I have this love hate relationship [00:12:00] with the. The idea of signs. You know, we see suicide prevention campaigns everywhere that have lists of signs, and we're encouraged to look for signs. And I don't believe that there were signs that would have told me he was going to end his life.

Reshma Kearney: Mm-hmm. He was. He was a go-getter. He never gave up. And this is the ultimate giving up. And so I. [00:12:30] I don't think that there were signs that he was suicidal, but there were signs that he was struggling, and so I like to reframe it. 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah, 

Reshma Kearney: and talk more about signs of risk. Not signs of suicide, because that puts so much pressure on survivors, right?

Reshma Kearney: There are lists of signs that include giving things away, disconnecting from [00:13:00] people talking about wanting to die. Having a plan, and I didn't see any of that. In fact, he died on a Friday, September 30th. He had a fishing trip planned for the very next day, October 1st with a really good friend of ours in Canada.

Reshma Kearney: My parents were coming that very next day to stay with me and the kids for one week. He had packed everything. The night before he was supposed to leave, he had a full morning of cases scheduled. [00:13:30] In my mind, there was no plan. There was no indication, but if we're to think about signs of risk, yeah, absolutely.

Reshma Kearney: I saw signs of risk. I saw signs of struggle that year before, about year, a year and a half before he died. He was in Syria. And before he deployed to Syria, just a a month before we moved from, from North Carolina state to Georgia State, that was [00:14:00] in 2020. So we had COVID, then we moved from a place that we were living in for seven years.

Reshma Kearney: To another state. And then a month or two later, he was deployed to Syria. Then he came back a month or two later, he separated from the Army. And then in January of 2022, after he had separated from the Army, he made the move to Washington State to start practice with an orthopedic group in the [00:14:30] civilian space.

Reshma Kearney: And the kids and I stayed in Georgia to finish out the school year. 

Chandler Stroud: Hmm. 

Reshma Kearney: We were reunited in the summer of 2022, and it was amazing. We were so happy to be out of the army and to be in Washington state where we had wanted to be. And we were looking at homes, we were making travel plans for the following year.

Reshma Kearney: I thought we were starting our forever and. The month before he died, I started noticing more drinking, more anger and [00:15:00] irritability. He was very insecure about his job situation. He was questioning his decision to leave the army, and all of his behavioral changes were things that I had seen before with other transitions in life.

Reshma Kearney: And I had seen depression before, right? So. I thought, well, this is just another phase that we're in and we're gonna get through this and these things that he's feeling and voicing. To [00:15:30] me, this is just part of the growing pains of getting outta the army and starting private practice. 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.

Chandler Stroud: And I mean, I have to imagine. There would've been added complexity for him being not just in the army, but also in what I believe is a high level medical role. Right. An orthopedic surgeon is a big deal. So did you get the sense that getting help for him [00:16:00] with some of those early risk. Sign, or I guess not signs, but with some of the behaviors he demonstrated that you would kind of say might fit a risk profile.

Chandler Stroud: Was there like a stigma for him around getting help with those things? 

Reshma Kearney: Absolutely. Yeah. He was in the military and in medicine as a man. So, you know, in both fields, the expectation is to be resilient and strong and push through, right? You're a surgeon in the operating [00:16:30] room for 12 hours. You can't even go pee.

Reshma Kearney: So you're, you know, you're, you're just looked at as somebody who is. Really strong and someone who doesn't need help, someone who's helping others. So why would you need help? You're supposed to be helping everyone else, and there were so many moments when I would suggest to him that he go to therapy or reach out to a colleague or a [00:17:00] friend, ask for a break.

Reshma Kearney: Get someone to cover your weekend so you can just. Disconnect. And every time he responded with, no, that will hurt my career. 

Chandler Stroud: Wow. 

Reshma Kearney: And you know, nobody does that. If I ask for help, if I go see a doctor, if I get onto medication, it'll be on my record and that's gonna affect my future. 

Chandler Stroud: That's so sad that that's how he felt that had to have [00:17:30] been so lonely for him.

Reshma Kearney: Yeah. And I didn't get it at the time because for us women, the first thing we do for most of us when we're hurting or we need help, we call a friend. 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah. 

Reshma Kearney: Or we call our mom or dad or sibling. And number one, he didn't have that. And number two, he felt like even if he did have that, he couldn't. Reach out for help.[00:18:00] 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah. Rima, thank you so much for sharing. I, I'm just thinking about that time in your life, and I'm really in awe of what you've carried and how you navigated that. Not just being a mom of three kids, but his support system at home, moving across the country to this new place. You're trying to establish this new life and then something like this happens, and it sounds like you guys.

Chandler Stroud: You in particular, you had so much hope for what that future meant for you [00:18:30] guys, and I just, I'm really inspired by what you've turned this into in terms of how you live, what you teach your kids, how you're helping others who might be navigating something similar. Like that is real strength. Like I see you and I see real strength.

Chandler Stroud: So I just want you to hear that and thank you for sharing all of that. 

Reshma Kearney: Thanks. I appreciate that. I don't always feel strong, but I'm trying my best. [00:19:00] 

Chandler Stroud: That is absolutely coming through and I would imagine your kids probably would echo that sentiment in a big way if asked based on what you've already shared.

Chandler Stroud: But I am curious, like as you think back. To the aftermath of this, in those early days like that had to have been incredibly disorienting for not just you, but also your extended family and the kids. How did you support them, but also give yourself grace [00:19:30] and support yourself through that. Like I just. How did you do that?

Reshma Kearney: I don't know. Sometimes, you know, I, I, I will tell you if I'm being really honest, I didn't give myself grace and I didn't take care of myself in the beginning. I know that the only reason I got outta bed every morning was to get my kids to school. If I didn't have my kids, I don't know where I'd be today.

Reshma Kearney: I don't know what I would've done, especially in those early [00:20:00] months, I would. Wake up and get them out the door, walk them to school, which was around the corner, and I would go home and just bury myself in all the paperwork and the phone calls and the to-dos. I didn't see a future for myself at all, and it took several months of doing that before I realized that I was.

Reshma Kearney: Really doing an an [00:20:30] injustice to my kids, a disservice to my kids. I thought that by getting outta bed every morning and pushing through all the things that they needed to and wanted to do, I was creating this healthy space for them. And maybe I was initially, but as I was burning out and building resentment and bitterness and even anger.

Reshma Kearney: I was taking away from that space energetically, and so I had to make a [00:21:00] very conscious decision to take better care of myself, and I had to do it in a way that was easy because the thing is we all want to heal and we all want to feel better, but a lot of us think that that means doing 20 extra things every day.

Reshma Kearney: And finding time for these things, and that's daunting. And when you're grieving, you don't even have energy to shower. I think I wore the same three things. [00:21:30] Well, just on rotation. I didn't have the energy and so I started off with small steps. I dropped the kids to school every morning and then I told myself I would.

Reshma Kearney: Walk for 20 minutes before I went back home. And then if I wanted to go back home after 20 minutes and do the same thing all day until they came home, fine. But I walked for 20 minutes. And then as I did that, I became more comfortable to make a phone call. It was to [00:22:00] my parents. And then that phone call would be longer, the walk would be longer.

Reshma Kearney: And then I started feeling more comfortable reaching out to friends and family. And then I started getting back to the gym, the yoga studio. I was socializing, you know, and you just like build. But it had to start with that decision to take better care of myself. 

Chandler Stroud: Wow. And it sounds like your kids were really a [00:22:30] big part of the impetus of that at the time.

Chandler Stroud: And I love how you talk about the small steps that sort of accumulate over time into big change. Because I think so often we see people who feel on the other side of whatever it is that they went through, and we think, wow, like that happened. Like so quickly or like it just sort of happened and, but it never just happens.

Chandler Stroud: Like it takes a lot of [00:23:00] work and effort behind the scenes. And I do think it's those small decisions that you make day in and day out that grow into like what you've built now, which is incredible. I'd love to hear. Actually how you have kind of taken that approach with your kids now. Like as you think about creating a space for them at home, like what are some of the things that you guys focus on together?

Chandler Stroud: What are some of the practices that you find are [00:23:30] still really important to you that you do every day or every week? And I just, yeah, I would love to hear more about those. 

Reshma Kearney: First and foremost, we are very open and honest with each other. We talk about whatever is weighing on our heart, whatever we're feeling in our bodies, we had the language to do that even before Sean died because we were practicing yoga and mindfulness together as a family.

Reshma Kearney: I'm really grateful for that because [00:24:00] now my kids know how to spot different emotions, not just in their mind with thoughts, but in their body. In their bodies with feelings. Mm-hmm. And we each have our own practice, which is something that I didn't expect early on. You know, you think we're all in the same family, we lost.

Reshma Kearney: We're grieving the same person and we're living in the same home. So I always thought we would just [00:24:30] grieve the same and we would need the same things, but we're actually very different. And my son needs just movement. Mm-hmm. And he expresses his grief through anger. And so I've kept his, his schedule is not.

Reshma Kearney: Over the top, but he's busy. He's active, let's say. Mm-hmm. 

Chandler Stroud: Okay. 

Reshma Kearney: And he is moving his body. He's connecting with other people and he has some really great male [00:25:00] coaches that he shares with. And my middle kid is. What we call a quiet griever. And she had a really hard time for about nine months after her dad died.

Reshma Kearney: Mm-hmm. Would go to, well, couldn't go to bed without hours of screaming and crying. And basically like had to tire herself out that way before she could fall asleep. And so for her, we do a lot of [00:25:30] journaling. 

Chandler Stroud: Mm. 

Reshma Kearney: And artwork. She expresses herself through writing and art. And for my youngest, she is. She shares a lot.

Reshma Kearney: She talks a lot. She's very free. And so for her, when you start to notice her light dimming, you know that she needs to just get outside and she needs to be barefoot and hands on earth. And so. The way we operate, like in our day [00:26:00] or in our week, is just kind of observing each other and sharing how we're feeling.

Reshma Kearney: I check in. I think it's been really helpful for me to share with them how I'm feeling. Mm-hmm. Because kids don't usually ask their parents. How are you feeling today, mom? 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah, 

Reshma Kearney: right. Yeah. And but they see it and they notice it, and I feel like if we don't. Describe or explain [00:26:30] the behaviors that they're seeing, then it leaves them really confused.

Chandler Stroud: Mm. 

Reshma Kearney: And the other benefit of sharing with them in our experience has been that they know that they can share with me and that this house is very safe for that. 

Chandler Stroud: I love that. I think that's so important and I think you, I get the sense you're cultivating a deep sense of trust between the [00:27:00] four of you. And I think creating that space, especially for kids, especially for kids who have been through something like what you guys have is like the number one most valuable thing that you can do for them.

Reshma Kearney: Yeah, especially now because we live in a world where. There's just so much more pressure and we're moving so fast, and connection is disappearing [00:27:30] among young kids. So for me, just in light of what. Their dad went through and how he died. It's my top priority to make sure that they feel safe in their emotions and that they know it's okay to ask for help and that this space is safe.

Chandler Stroud: Yeah, I think it's incredible what you're doing. I am, I am curious, how did you, or even they find some of these practices that are working for them, like did you, it sounds like you guys [00:28:00] practiced yoga and mindfulness as you noted before all of this happened. But was there anything else that you did, you know, prior to Sean's passing versus now and how you thought about kind of being very intentional about the practices you presented and shared with your kids?

Reshma Kearney: Yeah, I think. I think some of the practices that they lean on now were already things that I knew they [00:28:30] liked before he died. I think after he died, there were probably things that were trial and error, especially with the youngest one because she had. She had turned seven, just six days before he died. So she was really young.

Reshma Kearney: And that's the thing about mindfulness practices. There's no one size fits all, and mindfulness is not hours of meditation. So I think a lot of people hear the word [00:29:00] mindfulness and they think meditation or they think yoga only. And how could a kid ever do an hour of yoga? Well, they're not. I teach, I teach yoga and mindfulness.

Reshma Kearney: Here in our community, and we probably do five poses in the one hour together. You know, it's just a lot of play and sharing about feelings and, and, and talking and creating with our hands. So I think it's just both. I think we knew some [00:29:30] things worked and then we figured it out along the way, but I think what helped with that.

Reshma Kearney: Was just having the language and knowing. What feelings were and how emotions felt in her body and how to express it in a kind and respectful way. And we had talked a lot about depression and anxiety before Sean died because a lot of his behavior [00:30:00] was noticed by the kids. And I felt it was important to be honest with them about what their dad was going through.

Reshma Kearney: And I think. All of that together helped guide us as we navigated, you know, this new life with grief. 

Chandler Stroud: When we first met Rema, you talked about accessible mindfulness, and I love that phrase. It feels so doable. So can I ask, what does that actually look [00:30:30] like in a house with kids and grief and real life happening?

Reshma Kearney: I think it's so important to be able to. Build mindfulness into your day, whether you're in grief or not, because if we don't do that, we're just giving ourselves one more thing to do and we don't do it. So I really like habit stacking. For me, my mornings are the most mindful moment of my day. [00:31:00] So getting up in the morning, opening up my shades, looking outside.

Reshma Kearney: Having tea journaling, gratitude, and then really soon after getting outside and moving my body for my children. Gratitude has been a really important practice. Especially in the earlier times after Sean died, because you go through the day thinking there's nothing to be [00:31:30] grateful for after you lose your loved one.

Reshma Kearney: And so I really needed to bring them back to that place of gratitude. So we made that time around dinner time. We did the, you know, the rose. Thorn bud activity. Yes, 

Chandler Stroud: yes. 

Reshma Kearney: Yeah. So just sharing gratitude and it can be for something so small people think gratitude means you have to be grateful for, you know, your [00:32:00] big trip or your new material thing.

Reshma Kearney: But just I'm grateful I got out the door on time this morning. Something as simple as that or I'm, I'm grateful that everybody enjoyed dinner today. A lot of times I know that when the kids come home, it's gonna be go, go, go and I'm gonna need a moment. And so I try to be really mindful of what I'm doing and those final minutes before they come home.[00:32:30] 

Chandler Stroud: Hmm. 

Reshma Kearney: Something else I've been doing is when we come home in the car. Everybody gets out and I stay in the car for about two or three minutes, just quietly kind of connecting to my breath, going over what we just did, going over what we're going to be doing. So that I can come back into the mix more centered and grounded.

Reshma Kearney: And so, yeah, that's, [00:33:00] that's what I mean by accessible mindfulness. It's not a big to-do. It's something that should be incorporated in your life, very natural and organically so that you're. You get to a point where you're not even aware that you're doing it right. So waking up and just writing down three things that you're grateful for.

Reshma Kearney: Once that's a habit, it, you don't think twice about it. It doesn't feel like something [00:33:30] to do. 

Chandler Stroud: Totally. You can do that while you're coffee bruise or your tea. 

Reshma Kearney: Yeah. I have a friend who starts her shower and while the water's. Getting warm. She just stands in front of the mirror and speaks gra phrases of gratitude.

Chandler Stroud: What advice would you give moms listening who want to cultivate that kind of safety, mindfulness, [00:34:00] trust in their kids? I mean, are there just some simple steps that listeners can take to start having those conversations or creating those spaces where kids do feel like they can lean into whatever already works for them and maybe take it to the next level and be more intentional about that practice?

Reshma Kearney: The best way to start with kids is to just lead with your heart. [00:34:30] And truth, I have been completely honest with my kids from day one from the very day that their dad died, and I have no regrets about how I handled any conversation with them because I knew I was giving them the truth and I was also constantly making decisions from a place of love.

Reshma Kearney: And so I think when you do that, you learn how to trust [00:35:00] yourself as a mother, as a parent. And the other thing I think is really important is allowing kids to lead. Sometimes we don't have to create this. Healing regimen for them. You know, we can allow things to be fluid. We can let them lead, we can let them bring their person up.

Reshma Kearney: We can let them bring up how they're feeling. We don't [00:35:30] always have to manage everything and them, and when they have that, that opportunity to lead, they learn to trust themselves more too. 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah. 

Reshma Kearney: So that's kind of like the foundation, I think. Once you are able to create that space with your children.

Reshma Kearney: Something like introducing journaling to them is, is easy and there should never be like an expectation that, okay, I'm [00:36:00] gonna give my child this journal and then they're gonna use it every day and they're going be healed because this is a, this is a lifelong journey, right? Grief and healing, and it changes throughout the years.

Reshma Kearney: You know, my 7-year-old, well, she's 10 now, but when her dad first died, she was seven. And we thought, oh, well she's really young, and so this may not affect her as much as it affects the older two. [00:36:30] Now at age 10, she's starting to talk about her dad more, and you can see. Her struggling a little bit more, and just recently I mentioned we were on a ski trip and we skied in Whistler where his ashes are and she noticed her siblings are a little bit better at skiing and she said, you know, it's because they had more time with dad and.

Reshma Kearney: I [00:37:00] didn't have that time, and, and you can, you could see that that was on her mind and her heart all week. She talked a lot about him and she remembered last skiing with him between his legs, which wasn't entirely accurate. She was skiing on her own with him, but 

Chandler Stroud: mm-hmm. 

Reshma Kearney: She just remembers him carrying, you know, guiding her in between his legs and so she thinks, well, I just didn't get enough time with him.

Reshma Kearney: So I think [00:37:30] for parents to understand that grief is not linear and it's ever changing and it just, it's layers there. You know, every milestone that your child is going to reach, there's gonna be another layer of grief, another wave of grief that takes over your body. 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah, I can see. How and why that would be the case.

Chandler Stroud: And I think [00:38:00] it is really interesting to hear you speak about your youngest having these memories in such an important place for your family. I mean, I think it's really special that she can share that with you and talk about that openly and get that off her chest because I would imagine. A lot of times, and you know, this isn't saying that anyone's at fault, but I can see how it would be really difficult to keep some of those memories [00:38:30] alive and not feel like they're as welcome to talk about.

Chandler Stroud: And I think the fact that you've taken a different path there seems to have really benefited you and your family a great deal. 

Reshma Kearney: Well, my kids have seen me cry over Sean. Mm-hmm. They've seen me get angry over Sean, frustrated. They've heard me say that I'm jealous of other families who look like they have it all together.

Reshma Kearney: I mean, [00:39:00] they've seen every emotion. In just their one parent, and I believe that that then gives them permission to share anything that they're feeling. 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah. You're modeling a really important behavior, not just for them, but yourself too. I mean, Ishma, I think it's amazing. You're letting yourself feel whatever you need to feel when you need to feel it.

Chandler Stroud: There's [00:39:30] so much pressure, and I think we talk a lot about this on the show. There is so much pressure to hold it together, to be perfect, to be strong, and there is so much strength in letting yourself fall apart. I really believe that, and I think it's incredible that you've been able to be witnessed in those moments by people who love you and who you love, and I think you're modeling exactly the right behavior for your kids.

Reshma Kearney: Thank you. Really, 

Chandler Stroud: I [00:40:00] appreciate 

Reshma Kearney: that. 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah. I'm just, I'm really in awe of you and all you've done. I really am. 

Reshma Kearney: Thank you. 

Chandler Stroud: It's amazing. 

Reshma Kearney: It's hard for women and moms. You know, we, when we talk about Sean, we talk about how it's hard for men to ask for help and to speak up, but it's also hard for women to not necessarily speak up or ask for help, but to.

Reshma Kearney: Let go [00:40:30] and fall apart. We, we are expected to be the nurturers and to keep the home and family running right, but we can't do that all the time. We also need rest. We also need to take breaks and take care of ourselves. 

Chandler Stroud: And what's so amazing is you are still doing that even with taking care of yourself and taking rest.

Chandler Stroud: I mean, your kids sound like incredible human [00:41:00] beings. They really do. 

Reshma Kearney: Thank you. I mean, they're still kids and my son is 13, so, 

Chandler Stroud: well, you know, 

Reshma Kearney: they're, they're doing well, but they're also still kids. Yeah. 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah. Grieving, right? 

Reshma Kearney: Yeah. Mm-hmm. 

Chandler Stroud: But I think being in touch with their emotions and cultivating that self-trust in them, like that's truly where it starts.

Chandler Stroud: Like that is a foundation for all kinds of flourishing later on in life, right? So you're, I think, imparting [00:41:30] the most important wisdom you could possibly pass on to them through how you are handling the aftermath of this awful event for you guys. So, yeah, I just think it's amazing. Like really amazing.

Reshma Kearney: Thank you. 

Chandler Stroud: And I also know you didn't have to share all of this or any of this online. What made you decide to speak out? Was that scary at first? I mean, I would love to hear more about that decision in that [00:42:00] transition for you. 

Reshma Kearney: Yeah, I'd be happy to share about that. I, when Sean died, I was on Instagram. I was slowly starting my, my kids' yoga and mindfulness business that I was supposed to further build after he got out of the Army.

Reshma Kearney: When he died, I shut that down. I got off of social media all together and I stayed off for an for a year and a half. And [00:42:30] then in May of 2024, that was mental Health awareness month. I started thinking about where we were as a family. We had, you know, finished up the, I called it the post tragedy cleanup.

Reshma Kearney: You know, all the things I had to do in Washington State before I moved the kids to California to be near my family. Got that all done. The kids were okay in school here, and I thought [00:43:00] we were doing okay, and I knew it was because of the way we were practicing mindfulness and sharing and talking, and I knew it was.

Reshma Kearney: You know, it had to do with the way I decided to parent them after losing Sean, and I wanted to start sharing that, and I wanted to start talking about him and sharing his story because I knew he wasn't the only one. And I knew [00:43:30] I wasn't the only one, but I had never really known other people who had lost someone a suicide.

Reshma Kearney: So I thought, what better time than now? Mental Health Awareness Week. I just, I had a friend take some pictures of me and that first post was my photo and my story, just all of it where I had been for the last year and a half, [00:44:00] and. It was so scary to post that because I went from, you know, before he died.

Reshma Kearney: We looked like the perfect family. I never shared about his struggles. I think the only people who really knew what I was going through with him were my parents and my brother, because they would stay in our home and you can't hide it. And so I posted and. [00:44:30] Immediately had people reaching out to me either.

Reshma Kearney: Mm-hmm. They had lost somebody to suicide. They were supporting someone who was struggling. They themselves were struggling. I had women reaching out. I had men reaching out. I had teenagers reaching out. I had family reaching out. I, I had so many people reaching out and. I felt like [00:45:00] after a year and a half I finally felt like I wasn't alone.

Reshma Kearney: And that just, that was everything to me. I mean, that right there just told me this. You were meant to do this. It took you a year and a, but that it brought you to this place and you're meant to share. And so I shared again and I kept sharing. It turned into so many more [00:45:30] conversations. You know, I started speaking on podcasts.

Reshma Kearney: I ha, you know, I started doing one-on-one grief support with people. I got back to teaching kids yoga and mindfulness, and I would say the most valuable thing that has come out of this journey is I. Seeing my kids become more comfortable in their story [00:46:00] and knowing that it no longer stings them when they have to tell someone their dad died by suicide.

Reshma Kearney: They're very comfortable in it now, and that just means a world to me. I'm so grateful that they get to see everything that I'm doing on social media. They've started taking a part in posting and sharing. And so it's become [00:46:30] like this family journey and it's been so special. 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah, I bet it has. I bet it has.

Chandler Stroud: I mean, that's such just medicine for the soul. When you can be of service like that and you making that leap first is incredible enough. But then to invite your kids to kind of hold your hand and take that leap too, I mean, they're giving back in such an incredible [00:47:00] way. I mean, sometimes. I think just letting people know that they aren't alone in however they're feeling, and hearing that from the perspective of your kids too, is just so moving.

Chandler Stroud: It's really moving and it's really meaningful. Thank you. So I love that you guys are kind of making this a family affair in that way. 

Reshma Kearney: Yeah, I'm really proud of them. 

Chandler Stroud: I bet you are. I bet you are. What [00:47:30] has it meant to hear from other women who see themselves in your story? 

Reshma Kearney: I. You know, whenever a woman reaches out to me, I see myself in her.

Reshma Kearney: And whenever a man reaches out to me, I see Sean and him. Mm-hmm. And I've said that to people before as a way to explain how deeply connected I am to this work, because I would never turn my back on myself. And if Sean were here. I would never turn my [00:48:00] back on him, and I don't think I ever turned my back on him when he was alive.

Reshma Kearney: And so if I see myself or my late husband and you, I am, I'm here for you. I am, you know, I am deeply connected to you, like heart to heart. And so when women reach out to me because they've also lost somebody to suicide or because they're supporting someone who's struggling, I. I feel honored that [00:48:30] they trust me enough to do that, and I feel so passionate about holding space for them.

Reshma Kearney: One of the things that I've now learned is that nobody needs to be, or wants to feel like they need to be fixed. Mm-hmm. They just want to be seen and held, and I think that I didn't do that for Sean. I, not because I didn't want to, but [00:49:00] because when I saw my husband struggling, I felt like my job was to make everything better.

Reshma Kearney: But really my job was to just hold space. 

Chandler Stroud: Beautifully said, and I think that's such a different perspective than the one so many women probably carry today. It's an important reminder. I'm really glad you said that. I really am. Ishma. When you think about [00:49:30] the version of yourself, going back to those early months, what feels different now in your life?

Reshma Kearney: I feel lighter. I feel lighter. I feel like I, I have like a glow again. I, I, I'm starting to. Appreciate the really small things in life. Again, I didn't do that. I, I, I didn't allow [00:50:00] myself to slow down and to just notice what was around me, you know? And now I am at a red light at night taking pictures of the moon again, you know?

Reshma Kearney: Mm-hmm. I just feel more grounded and I don't feel like myself. Again, I'll never be that person that I was when Sean was alive, but I think I'm now in a place where I've accepted [00:50:30] that and I like this version of me, and I love this version of me, and I'm taking care of this version of me. And so I think the lightness comes from acceptance, from accepting.

Reshma Kearney: That he died accepting the way that he died, and accepting that our lives are forever [00:51:00] changed, but we can honor him live with grief and still allow ourselves to find joy again. 

Chandler Stroud: Yes, you can beautifully said. If there is a woman listening who just stepped into loss, especially this kind of loss, what would you wanna say to her?

Reshma Kearney: Take a deep breath, pause, and just know that even when [00:51:30] healing feels impossible at the moment. It is possible and you're not expected to have everything figured out and laid out and structured. It can be messy. You just have to give yourself grace and take it one breath at a time. There is no need to rush.

Reshma Kearney: There's no timeline or deadline, and [00:52:00] grief is very unique. So don't compare. We compare a lot just in general as women, as mothers, as grievers, and there's just no room for comparison. Each journey is so individual and we just have to trust that we, we, we have the answers within us and we'll be guided.

Chandler Stroud: Yeah, that's. [00:52:30] Again, well said Rema. Thank you for sharing that. I 

Reshma Kearney: thank you. 

Chandler Stroud: Really believe that's gonna land with somebody today, so thank you. 

Reshma Kearney: I hope so. 

Chandler Stroud: One more question for you before we go. When you hear the word healing, what does that mean in your life? Is it peace? Is it strength? Is it integration something else entirely?

Chandler Stroud: I'm just, I'm, I would love to hear how that lands with you now. 

Reshma Kearney: I think the definition of healing [00:53:00] changes day by day, but I'll say right now in this moment, having just been to the place where my husband's ashes were scattered, healing for me is having moments of peace, joy, and most importantly laughter.

Chandler Stroud: Hmm. 

Reshma Kearney: Because in the very beginning, I never [00:53:30] thought I would laugh again. I never thought I'd find joy again. And the scary thing is I was okay with that. I just wanted my kids to be okay. And I thought if that meant I would be miserable for the rest of my life, that was okay. So to be able to be with my kids and laugh wholeheartedly and appreciate the moon and you know.

Reshma Kearney: The snow we skied on. That's [00:54:00] healing. 

Chandler Stroud: Yeah. Yeah, it is. Rema, you're incredible. Thank you so much for being here today. I have such deep admiration for you and how you've turned your pain into purpose, and even more so how you're supporting your kids, not just behind closed doors, but out in the open and kind of, I guess, inviting them to help others.

Chandler Stroud: The way you've [00:54:30] stepped into this work, I think it's so meaningful and you're. Absolutely changing lives, and I'm just so grateful and honored that you were here to have this conversation today. Thank you. 

Reshma Kearney: I appreciate that so much, and I'm truly grateful for this time with you. I admire the work that you do, and I think it just helps so many women to hear conversations like this, so thank you for creating the space.

Chandler Stroud: Well, thank you for saying that, [00:55:00] and I really hope to have you on again. I would love to continue our conversation. This has been so much fun, and again, just thank you for being here and being so honest and authentic in your storytelling and in your wisdom. I think it's so valuable and I just, I love that you're.

Chandler Stroud: Teaching your kids and women everywhere to feel through these emotions and to be honest with themselves. And that [00:55:30] healing is possible like it is. And it's do it in your own way and on your own timeline, but it's possible. So yeah, thanks for sending that message today. 

Reshma Kearney: Thank you. 

Chandler Stroud: And to anyone listening. I should say, and to our listeners, if this episode stirred something in you, please know you are not alone.

Chandler Stroud: And if you or someone you love is struggling, there is help. You can call or text nine eight eight to connect [00:56:00] with the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or dial 4 1 1 for local support resources near you. Thanks for listening, everyone, and remember, be curious. Be courageous. Be kind to yourself. You've got this.