House of JerMar

When Trauma Changes Everything: Inside The Phenom's Wife Journey of Healing and Rediscovery

• Jeanne Collins • Season 1 • Episode 49

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What happens when the perfect American dream life is shattered in an instant? For Jenna Ann Miller, a traumatic cycling accident that left her husband Steve with a severe brain injury didn't just upend her family's reality—it transformed her understanding of what life truly is.

In this profound conversation, Jenna shares the extraordinary spiritual awakening that accompanied her darkest moment. "It was as if someone opened up the top of my head and just poured love into my whole body," she explains, describing the paradoxical experience of finding overwhelming love and connection in the midst of devastation. As her husband lay in a 59-day coma and faced the arduous journey of literal rebirth—relearning everything from breathing to walking—Jenna discovered dimensions of love, community, and purpose she never knew existed.

Through her CaringBridge blog that eventually became her memoir "The Phenom's Wife," Jenna created something magical: a field of collective energy where thousands of readers (many complete strangers) participated in what can only be described as synchronistic support. From Alaska-caught salmon appearing on her doorstep to executive-level insurance intervention happening exactly when needed, the "coincidences" defied explanation. This community carried her through the dual challenges of Steve's brain injury and later cancer diagnosis, showing her what's possible when vulnerability meets collective compassion.

Perhaps most compelling is Jenna's central question: How can we access this profound sense of presence, connection and clarity without experiencing catastrophic trauma? "The person I was before was just gunning, running, achieving her to-do list," she reflects. "Life is not the to-do list, life is not the accolades and the bank account. Trauma unfortunately shows us what it really is." Her journey invites us all to reconsider what truly matters before crisis forces the lesson upon us.

Jenna's Book Recommendation: The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer

More about Jenna: Jenna’s life changed forever in 2017 when her husband, Steve, suffered a traumatic brain injury in a cycling accident.

Before that, she had built what felt like a storybook life—a loving marriage, two wonderful kids, and a fulfilling career as an interior designer. But when tragedy struck, Jenna was thrust into the dual roles of caregiver and single parent. Determined to bring Steve back to life, she chronicled her journey in a public diary on CaringBridge, which eventually became The Phenom’s Wife.

https://thephenomswife.com/

https://www.instagram.com/jennaannmiller?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

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Read Jeanne's Book: Two Feet In: Lessons From and All-In Life
WELCOME TO OUR HOUSE!

Speaker 1:

The person I was before that was just gunning, running, achieving her to-do list, like I had the American dream playbook down to a science right. The family in California, in our house, with our two kids, a boy, then a girl on vacation with friends, just the whole picture was, you know, idyllic. But after the accident that was gone, so that dissolved, and I felt I don't know how to describe this because I'd never heard of it or seen it or experienced it but it was as if someone opened up the top of my head and just poured love into my whole body. It's the best way to describe it. So the accident happens, I get that call him in the hospital and I just feel overwhelmed with love, love for Steve, love for my children, love for our friends and family and love for the girl who caused this accident. I just felt undeniable love everywhere. I just felt undeniable love everywhere.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to the House of Germar podcast where wellness starts within. The House of Germar is a lifestyle brand, empowering women to live all in through interior design and personal wellness. We are a destination for women ready to reimagine what is possible in their homes and lives and then create it. We are honored to have you join us on our mission to empower 1 million women to live all in. I am your host, jean Collins, and I invite you to become inspired by this week's guest. Welcome to the House of Jomar podcast where wellness starts within. I'm your host, jean Collins, and today we are going to have a really exciting conversation with a new author. Her name is Jenna Ann Miller. She is a fellow interior designer, so we have so much to talk about in that realm, but we're really going to focus on her newly published book called the Phenom's Wife. This is a really cool book, I've got to say. It had me captivated. I read the whole book in about a day and a half and I was so entrenched in your story. So I don't normally read people's bios, but I'm going to read the bio part of the bio because I think it really encapsulates who you are and gives some really good background on the book before we start to talk about the book. So here we go. Everybody.

Speaker 2:

Jenna's life changed forever in 2017 when her husband, steve, suffered a traumatic brain injury in a cycling accident. Before that, she had built what felt like a storybook life a loving marriage, two wonderful children, a fulfilling career as an interior designer. But when tragedy struck, jenna was thrust into the dual roles of caregiver and single parent. Determined to bring Steve back to life, she chronicled her journey in a public diary on CaringBridge, which eventually became the Phenom's Wife. Through writing, jenna realized her story wasn't just about trauma, community or even miracles. It was about facing the raw, unhealed wounds that remained and remembering the power of love that is always present. Jenna, welcome to the show. Thank you so much, jean. It's so nice to be here. Oh, I am excited to talk to you. We've texted. I read your book. I texted you.

Speaker 2:

While I was reading your book, I was like I am so entrenched in the book and the story and there's so much in here that I want to talk about. But let's first talk about the title. Where did the title the Phenom's Wife come from? What? Where did the title the Phenom's Wife come from? What does that even mean? That's a really good question.

Speaker 1:

So, as you know, my husband's struck by a car. He's in a coma and I don't know what's going to happen and I'm longing to hear his voice. And I Google him on the internet because he was this elite athlete, so there's a lot written about him. He was this elite athlete, so there's a lot written about him, and I discovered this racing blog he wrote in 2006 and 2007 when he was trying to qualify for the Olympics. I didn't read it at the time because at the time I had these little babies. So I'm reading this blog and I'm thinking he's talking to me. He's telling me how he's going to use all these hidden athletic skills and prowess that he had that I didn't even know he really had to get out of this coma. And in this blog he calls another athlete a phenom. When Steve wakes up from his coma, I say you are the phenom.

Speaker 2:

And you are the phenom's wife, then there you go, that's right yeah. So I don't want to give away the whole book because I want people to read the book. But obviously Steve was hit by a car. Steve was in a coma. How long was he in a coma before he woke up? He?

Speaker 1:

was in a coma for, I would say, 59 days, wow. And it wasn't like the movies where you wake up and say where am I? It was a slow awakening. He was actually reborn. He had to learn to breathe again, to speak, to go to the bathroom, to walk absolutely everything that a baby goes through. So it was day 59, which happened to be Father's Day that he said his first words and we were all blown away. And what was more amazing was he wasn't speaking in sentences, just a few little things here and there. But he knew our names, so we thought he's in there. Yeah, there was indications that he was in there, coming out of a coma. Like you know, he would grab my arm or turn his head or gesture towards things, but until we heard him speak, we just didn't know how much of him was left for a minute.

Speaker 2:

I mean, his injury was severe you talk about talking to this specialist later on and it felt like he should not be alive based on the severity of his injuries. Not only should he not be alive, but he shouldn't have any brain capacity either.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I was told it took the Stanford doctors a week to save his life. So he was tachycardic in the ICU you know the ups and downs you see on TV for a week and when they brought me into the room with all the doctors to say okay, he survived, they said we don't know what survived and they told me to expect him to be confused for a very long time, have difficulty finding his way to the bathroom, brushing his teeth, doing very basic things. So I was led to believe that there wasn't going to be much and, truth be told, in that moment I couldn't really even pay attention to that. I couldn't focus on it. I was just so happy that he lived.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but at the same time he lived and became a different person, and you became a different person as well as a result of this journey. Absolutely so share a little bit about the person that you were as you describe yourself and the person that you had to evolve into as this happened.

Speaker 1:

That's a great question. As this happened, that's a great question. So in reading about your background and your story, I felt a lot of similarities. Before the accident, I was just a crusher interior designer, going a million miles an hour going here, going there, raising two kids. I was the breadwinner of our family. I was the CFO. I managed the house. I managed the kids. My kids had their own crazy adventures as well. Then I had this husband that was an elite athlete that was often riding his bike, so there was a lot to take care of.

Speaker 1:

So I was standing very strong on my titanium to-do list and this accident crushed it Like it was gone. So the person I was before that was just gunning, running, achieving her to-do list like I had the American dream playbook, down to a science right, the family in California in our house, with our two kids a boy then a girl on vacation with friends. Just the whole picture was idyllic. But after the accident, that was gone. So that dissolved and I felt I don't know how to describe this because I'd never heard of it or seen it or experienced it but it was as if someone opened up the top of my head and just poured love into my whole body, it's the best way to describe it. So the accident happens, I get that call him in the hospital and I just feel overwhelmed with love love for Steve, love for my children, love for our friends and family and love for the girl who caused this accident. I just felt undeniable love everywhere and I didn't know what that was at the time. I'm still searching and discovering and reading about what that was. But my friends who were spiritual which I didn't consider myself spiritual at the time told me you had a trauma-induced spiritual awakening and I was like, okay, when you're not spiritual, it's hard to understand that one. But the way my body felt, the way my mind felt, my words were slow, my thoughts were slow, the physical world around me dimmed, all the things I used to care about weren't relevant and I sort of saw the world through this lens of love. And that was my platform for how I was going to survive this tragedy and live my new life. And I had this blog that my friends created on CaringBridge and that was how we were to tell our friends and family what was happening with Steve. I did that, but I also used it as a way to share my personal diary.

Speaker 1:

So at night, as I'm crying, can't sleep, can't do anything except think about what's happening. I'm just writing it all, everything. I'm feeling all the despair, all the anguish, all the grief, and then also the blessings and the joy. I had this really confusing paradox why am I feeling so much love and joy at this time when I should be a wreck, a ball on the floor, unable to move? It was really hard for my children as well to see that. That's what I did, and I think, through that journey of sharing my vulnerable heart, being my true self, everything I was experiencing all at once with this community. They rose up with me and they gave me love in return, and then we just created this big field of love. I mean, it sounds so corny, but I don't know what else to call it. That's what it was. It was magic, it was an incredible time. It was the worst time of my life and the best time of my life in many ways.

Speaker 2:

Yes, well, and you write about it in such a beautiful way that you can feel that there's pain with this, like this is so traumatic and the parts that hit me the hardest were your kids, because it's like anyone who's a parent like, but there's so much pain.

Speaker 2:

However, in every single chapter you are talking about the blessings and the joys and your mindset about. I just have this faith now. I didn't believe in God and I now have a real spiritual faith that it will be okay, no matter what. It will be okay and that was so powerful throughout the book.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and that's not the person I was before the accident Like.

Speaker 2:

I wouldn't have. That's what I was going to say. Like you weren't right, you were not at all If you had whispered in my ear.

Speaker 1:

This is what's going to happen to you in the next eight years.

Speaker 2:

I would have said no way am I going to survive that.

Speaker 1:

No way am I going to be that person you're describing. Not at all, because I was very controlling of life. Life was something for me to conquer. There was nothing to conquer here. I was completely surrendered. There was nowhere to go.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you know, it's like you think, when trauma happens to you, that it's interrupting your life, right, but the reality is that that to-do list that I was so attached to, that was the distraction. Trauma actually showed me what life is. It was painful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I'm a different person now because of it, and I can't deny that. So I used to feel and I wrote this in my blog. I think it transferred to the book I would say I want to give this feeling away. I want other people to have the feeling I have without the trauma. Is that possible? So I'm told that people can witness trauma and then experience the benefits. I hope that that's the case with my book. I hope no one has to go through what we've went through, but the gifts are undeniable. So that's the joy and pain.

Speaker 1:

I was embarrassed to tell people I felt joy. Everyone's expecting you to fall apart Right how? And I did fall apart, but that's the thing I was falling apart and I was seeing all these good things at the same time, so it was really confusing. But then I realized isn't that what life is? Because life isn't something we can control and predict and make exactly how we want it. Life throws you shit, sometimes right, and so it's like it's both. That's what it is, so it certainly was a lesson in all of that.

Speaker 2:

So let's talk about your CaringBridge post, because you went from probably a hundred people that were your closest friends, looking at what you posted to tell everybody what happened with that.

Speaker 1:

So it just kept growing and growing and I was like gosh, do we know a thousand people? And I was like maybe 1,500, 2,000, 3,000. I think it went up to like over 3,000 people, and I most certainly did not know that many people. But what started to happen was I started building these connections with strangers. I mean, I was blown away about what people who didn't know us were doing for us. One example is this woman sent me this text on the blog saying I'd like to send you some salmon. I'm thinking, oh, this must be a friend of Steve's, a cycling friend or something. She says I know you don't know us, but my husband's going on this fishing trip in Kenai in Alaska and we'd love to send you some of his fresh haul. This woman from Alaska is sending me stuff Like are you kidding me? There are so many experiences like that where people who she's like I just stumbled upon your blog and I can't stop reading it. Things like that were happening, and so it it. What it did was it further reinforced this feeling that we're all connected.

Speaker 1:

That's one of the huge lessons of my story is grief can feel so lonely and no one is going through the experience you're going through. Even my own children were having different experiences than I was having. But when you open up, when you share with others and you allow them to come into your tender heart and you allow them to give and you receive those gifts, it's an incredible feeling of solace that I could never have gotten alone. Incredible feeling of solace that I could never have gotten alone. One of the things people often say about me is you're so strong, and I agree Like I do have a certain amount of strength, but my strength was amplified because I had this intimacy with this community that I didn't know was possible. I just didn't imagine it. So it's, it's again, it's the duality, it's, yes, I'm strong, but my strength was only enhanced by, by these loving people that surrounded us and cared for us. We're not in isolation in any of this, the joy and the pain. You can't separate those. You know. It's all, it's, it's both and all around.

Speaker 2:

So those you know. It's all, it's, it's both and all around. So, yeah, and your story talks a lot about growth, which is really inspiring, and and just when you think you have a plan like your husband coming home and you had a plan and okay, everybody's working towards this date you have a plan and then talk to us when insurance has a different plan. Tell us a little about that story, because that's insurance.

Speaker 1:

It's so funny. I didn't. There are so many insurance stories. My stack of medical bills is this tall. I still have it. It's hard. I thought about burning it, but I probably should someday, but I still have it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so Steve, he's been in the hospital now for almost four months and we have a plan to bring him home. Like this is terrifying. So to give you an idea of who Steve is, he's like a baby who could text an Uber. So he has the vulnerability, just innocence, of a child, of a baby even in some ways. But then he he can do other things, like he can text and he can get online and and so caring for him is is dangerous, it's scary.

Speaker 1:

Like what's he capable of? Is he going to walk out the front door? Is he going to go get an Uber and go who knows where? What's going to happen? So I was like and I am now going to be right so I was like, and I am now going to be the primary care physician on duty caring for this guy, and our house is TBI headquarters, so I needed time and they have have the safety of the hospital, et cetera. So I'm thinking we have somewhat of a plan for his release date and then insurance calls and says effective immediately it's time to go, and also Jean, of course, I'm doing a mini remodel of the home, getting it ready for his mom to come stay with us for a few months.

Speaker 1:

That's not finished, of course. So I'm in panic mode and I reach out to my blog and I say this is what's happening. Anybody know, anybody at our insurance company, and of course I go to plan B. Okay, what are the blessings? The blessings to me was it could be the reverse. They could say you know, he's not ready to go, he needs to be put in a nursing home, something like that. So I'm spinning it and I'm also gunning it, trying to organize the house and make it low stem and all the things you're supposed to do for TBI.

Speaker 1:

The blog responds and somebody knows somebody at our health insurance, and the person they know is the chief executive officer of our billion dollar insurance company. So, needless to say, monday morning, jenna, steve can stay Right, and so I mean that's like a. We're a privileged family, we have connections Right, and so I'm aware of that Right, and so I'm aware of that. But at the same time, it's also more than that. It's that people care, that people were reading the blog, that people were on this ways with their talents of being therapists or helping me navigate the children, or even just bringing us food. I mean everything you can imagine. Someone even took out my trash, jean.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, when you read the book, it is truly amazing. The village that stepped in because and we haven't talked about this enough yet but because your role in life changed and you became a caretaker in a very different way than being a sole breadwinner, were actually responsible for the life of another human, just like when you give birth to a baby.

Speaker 2:

Yet as you say he's big. We talk about stories about how he was restrained and you took off the restraints and all of a sudden he's fighting you and trying to take out his feeding tube and all these other things, and it's so visual.

Speaker 1:

You're like oh my goodness, yeah Well, what's interesting about what you say is you've become a caregiver, jean, I didn't know that. I only learned that word a year ago. Oh, wow was happening and this may be part of grief, of coping, of denial, whatever tools I had to use to get through it, but I thought I'm a wife and a mother doing what needs to be done in a really horrific situation. I didn't know, I was a caregiver at all.

Speaker 1:

And I actually started falling apart. And I don't know if I write about this in the book, but I started fainting during Steve's hospital visits. At first I was fainting because I was giving blood. Then I was fainting because Steve was about to go in for neurosurgery and I see them put the thing in his vein and I'm like, right. Then I started fainting when Steve was going for a nutritionist visit and I was like, really, like I mean I'm not going to kill this man with my beet juice.

Speaker 2:

Like what am I afraid of?

Speaker 1:

And that's when I realized and that was maybe like five months after the accident that started happening I realized, oh boy, I'm in it too deep. But I still didn't know I was a caregiver, jean. So I didn't go to the doctor, I went to maybe a healer around the corner that a friend took me to. I tried to meditate, I tried to do wellness things, but I couldn't focus on me because he needed so much time and attention and, as you know from the book, there were more traumas to come that required even more caregiving, more intense caregiving, and there was certainly. I could not go down, I could not be sick, so I ignored it. And so that, knowing what I know now, if there's, I mean many things I'd like to do for others, but I'd like to help caregivers focus on themselves, which is just so difficult because we don't know we are caregivers and that's a real hard nut to crack, but I can try.

Speaker 2:

Of talking about that and talking about really making it come to life, just the simple joys of going to a friend's house with your daughter and being there for an hour to just engage in something that is outside of you being a caretaker and a caregiver for others and recognizing that that fuels you and I think, in your process you're not.

Speaker 2:

You're receiving so much help right? So much help with the meals and the kids and the blog and the support and the resources and the you know the incredible medical staff. You had so much support.

Speaker 2:

But, as you get later into the book, what you realize is what you didn't do is stop to figure out how you're going to fuel you. And it's like everything in life, and Steve is taking, and taking, and taking, and then, as he starts to get better, I felt like he was taking even more because it just became so much more work, mentally and physically, to care for him. And then by that point we'll talk about your kids a little bit here. By that point your kids are like unraveling and they're like we didn't sign up for this. Yeah exactly.

Speaker 2:

And like dad isn't dad. So talk about that for a little bit, because I think you quote your daughter a couple of times to be like when is dad coming back? When's dad? Coming home and like but dad, like Steve was there.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and this is a really. And we're still navigating this eight years later. My children are 18 and 20 and it's still a struggle. So he's not the person he was in any way. Yeah, of course he's very childlike. He's unable to care for himself, he's unable to live alone, able to live alone, and he, he wants to be a good dad and a good husband and a good friend and a good son and all those things. He doesn't have the executive functioning skills to carry those out and so my children and I struggle with this.

Speaker 1:

I wanted to I'm no longer Steve's caregiver and I wanted him to be with us for a few days over the Christmas holidays, when the kids are home for Christmas. I said to the kids listen, we'll have dad, we'll have the friends come into the house, we'll do like an open house, the rolling front door, like it used to be. And they both said no, and that was really hard to hear. Both said no and that was really hard to hear, because I'm wondering what am I not doing in this moment that my future self would know to do to support these kids? It's really about the kids now. I've done the best I can with Steve, steve's doing the best he can. His caregivers are doing the best they can, but these children, this trauma has informed their childhood and will inform their present all the way through their whole life. So what can I do to support them in their healing of this trauma that they've inherited? They didn't ask for this right, right, no.

Speaker 1:

So my son said something incredibly powerful to me. He said mom, I know what you're doing. I know the visions you have in your head of bringing the estranged man home, to his home for Christmas, to be with the children. It's very hallmark, it's beautiful. I know what you're thinking and feeling, but you've forgotten. You've forgotten what it's like to be with him day in and day out, how painful it is, how hard it is, how it's not the person you think. It is in your head right now and you have to spend energy being with that person in that time. And then you have to recover from that, and that recovery could take weeks or months.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And so, respectfully, I have to say no to that. I just don't have it in me. He says there's a part of me that wishes that I could be my future self, who's maybe not as triggered and not as heartbroken and has the energy to withstand that. But I'm not that person. I'm who I am now and I have to forgive myself that I can't be anything other than what I am. And he said maybe someday when dad passes away, I will regret this moment, but this is all I can do in this moment. And that was like wow, like thanks, peyton, that was. That says a lot. And you know, life is lived forward and understood backwards Like I can't. I don't know what else to do for my kids. They really struggle with how to hold Steve, how to engage with him, how to spend time with him, because he says he misses them. But then the pain that causes them is difficult. I mean 18 and 20,. These are tough years. These are the early college years. They're figuring themselves out.

Speaker 2:

They're not interested in their parents anyway. Right, exactly.

Speaker 1:

I mean, let's be honest, they're not that interested in us anyway.

Speaker 2:

Very true, but it's hard because dad isn't the same dad and dad requires a lot of care. But that's so. You should feel so proud that your son has that level of awareness and enlightenment about himself and can communicate that, because that will make him an incredibly special human and an adult as he keeps going on his journey.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I have no doubt that my children, the gifts from this tragedy will be incredible for them in their lives and just, it's just still hard right it's the both and right it's like I see the gifts and I see the pain.

Speaker 1:

And now I hold it a little more, with more discernment, a little more grounded level than maybe I did during the accident days. And in the accident days I was just so convinced he was going to have a full recovery. I mean, I put I, I told the kids you haven't seen the fight in me, I'm going to bring your dad back. I made a promise that I shouldn't have made.

Speaker 2:

So so why did you decide to write a book? Because it's one thing to have a blog and just sort of lose there, it's a whole nother thing to put your life out into a book that is out there forever, definitely.

Speaker 1:

I think, first and foremost, is that I experienced something extraordinary with my blog readers and with my family and even with my husband, that I just never knew was possible. I'm in my worst nightmare. I'm leveled to the ground and I'm happy and I'm cared for and I'm loved. Our house was like Downton Abbey just people everywhere all the time. It just you just felt like you were a part of something and I and it's like, as I'm thinking about this book, which sometimes can overwhelm me, I can get overwhelmed by my own book, because there's so much in there. It's like what do I pull from? What do I focus on? What do I? You know, and I think it's just depends on the reader, but for your readers, who are interested in wellness and caring for themselves and all of that, I feel that the biggest, one of the biggest threads, is that I was vulnerable, I revealed myself. I didn't have a choice. It just was what was happening at the time, because I was poured with love and we all had this common goal me and my blog readers which is really community I say blog readers, community, family, friends, all that right and our common goal was to save our family, and whatever that means. That means save Steve.

Speaker 1:

Steve comes out of his coma, the kids and I are cared for. I'm not on the ground writhing in pain, crying, unable to tend to my children. My children are getting to school, my children are being hugged at school, we're being fed All of those things right. So there's this common goal in this huge community that's forming around us and I'm blogging every single day. So every day, people are hearing everything from the good, the bad and everything in between and it just created this field of love and this energy force that was powerful, that created miracles and I hope you got a sense of that in the book all of the miracles that happened, the magic. I would think of something and it would show up on my front porch. I'm looking at my phone as I have a thought oh, steve needs a haircut and then a hairdresser is saying in that moment.

Speaker 1:

Do you understand how wild that felt? And it was happening all day long, every day, day in and day out. I was like what is going on? I didn't understand it. My spiritual friends had to explain it to me, which I still don't even really understand.

Speaker 1:

But I think there is some like quantum physics to all of this right, that we are literally, physically, biologically connected, that these people, through this everyday blog, were thinking the same thing, wishing the same thing, praying for the same thing, and, as I'm sharing events that are happening, it's creating more events, more events, more people participating, and it was incredibly powerful and incredibly beautiful. I want people to see that and I want to see could that be translated elsewhere. I'm sure it happens in disasters. I'm sure it happens in other forms, like ours, but we're such a model for what can happen when people come together under the umbrella of love and support each other. Right, and it sounds so corny, but I don't know how else to describe it it's really what happened and part of me misses it.

Speaker 1:

I was talking to a person who's reading my book, who's a widow and tragically lost his wife many years ago, and he said oh, jenna, in your book, I remember that that you've lost your partner, life is over as you know it. You have children. It's devastating, but at the same time, there's this energy when the community comes around you and supports you, and the goal is to get through it and to survive it. And he said there's just something so beautiful about that, because it's the essence of life. Right, life is not the to-do list, life is not the accolades and the bank account and the cars and the whatever that's what we fill our lives with. But trauma unfortunately shows us what it really is. And how can we get there without the trauma? That's my big question. Exactly Right, how can we do it?

Speaker 2:

But you're sharing your story to give people a glimpse, and it helps them take a pause in their own lives and think about those key things, to think about caring, to think about love, to think about compassion, to think about the mindset that you had to deal with this tragedy and to deal with what's happening to your family, and and also giving people a chance to take a pause and say I don't have the tragedy, but maybe I can learn something from this, without having to have the tragedy, and wouldn't that be great.

Speaker 1:

Yes, that's so beautiful that you say the word pause. That was actually a very potent word. On our journey In one of his hospitals, the chaplain came up to us and and I was there with my children, which was nice and she said one of the gifts of this tragedy is that it gave your life a pause to reflect. Of course, and that is so true, so true. But that's the big question, isn't it, jean? How do you blend the grind? You've got to pay the bills, you've got to take up the trash, you've got to walk the dog, you've got to go to the groceries, you've got to make dinner, all that stuff, right. You've got to figure out your retirement, all these things. And it's almost like now, in today's world, we have more things coming down on us because we have access to more information. There's infinite podcasts, infinite books, infinite things to work on and everything Right. There's so much to do.

Speaker 1:

How do you find time in your life for the pause? And I think that's, and that takes protocols, because during tragedy I didn't have a choice, but nowadays I build protocols into my life. It's the only way I know how to do it. I have to say, every morning, I'm going to read my declaration Every night. I'm going to read, go through all this tragedy. I knew this. I talked about this in the book. I'm so afraid to lose this feeling. I was terrified to lose it and I did. It comes in and out. It ebbs and flows. Overall. I have it, but not the feeling I had then, but be living in that life Right and you don't want to be living in that life, yeah.

Speaker 1:

No, I have to be grounded. So it's just how do you stay grounded in the reality of everyday living and have that perspective, that pause you know to take in what it really is Like? Who are we really? We're really just souls and bodies, right, so Going through a journey.

Speaker 2:

At least that's what I've learned. It's a lot. It's a lot to learn. Let's switch gears and talk about nutrition and food for a minute. So, you talk a lot and I thought this was so interesting. You talk about brain food and bringing Steve his own food, and so talk to me about your journey and sort of identifying how you could use nutrition to try to help his brain heal.

Speaker 1:

First of all, that's also a paradox, because, as I was surrendered to this experience once I found ways to insert myself into it, then I started grinding again.

Speaker 2:

Certainly, the food was a bit of a grind.

Speaker 1:

I was a little over the top, but the nurses were inspired and the doctors hit or miss. You know, dr Moser was asking Steve where the ice cream was and I was like what are you doing? Yeah, so that's just part of my nature. I'm a researcher at heart. And when he was waking up and I saw what they were putting on the hospital tray, of course I was disgusted. Everyone knows this right, it's fruit in corn syrup, and corn syrup even was in his feed tube, which I still.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I researched this other company called Kate Farms, which, does you know, wholesome foods in their feed tube, but I was just too frightened to ask Stanford to switch it up. Could you switch up the feed tube? I know, I know we're not sure he's going to make it. I was afraid to touch him. Literally I was like, oh, you know, he was so fragile. But yeah, so I researched brain food.

Speaker 1:

There's a local mom, of course, in Wonderland, my town of Mill Valley, who is a brain nutritionist and she kindly supported me and gave me lots of information. I had another friend who was keen on an anti-inflammatory diet. Actually, not even a friend, a stranger, technically, someone I'd never met came to my house and cooked brain food with me and showed me how to do it and gave me all kinds of ideas. And then I decided that I was going to bring Steve food every day at the hospital and they had a protocol for the hospital refrigerator. I had to label the bags, put the dates on them.

Speaker 1:

They threw out food that was, you know, more than two or three days old and it was a rigmarole. And it was me in the kitchen, like Wizard of Oz, whipping up my brain food with the kids whipping up my brain food, with the kids Hurry up, hurry up sweating. We got to make it before 12 noon, before the rubber chicken gets to dad, and so we had sort of a little I don't know what you call it just a little everyday thing that we did a ritual, if you will, of making him food, and what was interesting was his response to it. I think it was just a feeling. It's not that he necessarily knew he wanted the brain food. It was like this is me showing him I'm caring for you Steve.

Speaker 1:

I care about you so much, I'm bringing you a 12 course meal Remember. I was literally so many courses and you're not kidding you, you like? Right out. I was like that is not just like a healthy three item thing you are bringing him massive meals.

Speaker 1:

Massive meals, yeah. And then I had worksheets posted on his hospital wall of the food and the details and no sugar, no this, no that, and explaining all the things he's allergic to. I was pretending he was allergic to things Because Sarah batted for a healing brain. I mean, I was, I was crazy, I don't even. I look at pictures. I go, wow, I mean, did people think I was cuckoo? You do what you have to do. I was determined.

Speaker 1:

I was on a mission to save this man and I just believed he needed every ounce of healing I could possibly give him and what's, what's. I don't know if this is sad. I'm trying not to feel sad about this. I did the best I could in that moment, but I didn't pack any food for me or the kids, so we, we would eat the banana off the hospital tray or the rubber chicken, or sometimes I'd order in food to the hospital for us. I just couldn't wrap my head around making all that food for four people and I was just so laser focused as a caregiver on my patient and my kids suffered a lot Overall. That was a thread throughout this experience. I thought I had to bring their dad back.

Speaker 2:

Right, and that was the gift you were going to give them.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that was the gift I was giving them. Part of that was a lack of self-love that I was always sort of the mom that made them clean their room and made them eat. I was already giving them kale shakes and celery juice. Long before this. I was already this super healthy kind of person. My poor kids had vegetable muffins as kids, not blueberry muffins. It was kind of difficult, but I just thought, you know, their dad was the fun one. He was the one that was teaching them to ski and planning their birthday parties and taking them out for ice cream before dinner and I was like drink your kale shake, clean your room, get your homework done. So I thought we needed him to survive and they would, of course, have a sad life without their dad, which is expected, but I thought it was at the expense of me and them. I just put all my eggs in that basket and there's a lot I would do differently. If I could tell another Jenna here now and someone in my position, I'd have a lot to say to her.

Speaker 2:

You grew and you and I texted about this. You grew also in terms of your career and thinking about how you wanted career to be for you after and now in life, now. So let's talk a little bit about career now.

Speaker 1:

Right, so it's so interesting, right, because I'm balancing these two careers right now. Right, I have my interior design career, which I've returned to, so I'm slowly ramping up to that, and then I have this desire to publish and speak about my healing journey and everything associated with that. We'll just call it a healing journey, because it's a couple in couple so much, and so just thinking of those two things paired together to me feels like another trial of the paradox of life, right, it's like to me, like remodeling a kitchen is not quite the same as helping a caregiver with her terminally ill spouse right, those are just two very, very different things and I've been thinking about what they mean, and there's so many people that want me to go back to design full force and put my heart into it and doing it and I'm enjoying it.

Speaker 1:

But there's another part of me it's like I can't go where I was before, that I can't return to that of just you know doing it and yeah, and different.

Speaker 1:

And one of the things actually surprisingly, that the journey taught me was how healing art is. I didn't know this, so I'll just give this away. Steve is diagnosed with cancer two years after the accident and he's crippled because the cancer breaks his bones and so he's in a hospital bed in the living room and the caregiving has intensified beyond anything I could have known, because he still has this traumatic brain injury. He still has the mind of a child and now he's on chemo. So we talk about chemo, brain chemo and TBI brain is horrific. This isn't talked about in the book. It's just discussed at the end and then like a paragraph. But that was incredibly difficult to one get the diagnosis and two to then live with it and live with him withering away in our living room.

Speaker 1:

We live in a pretty small house in Mill Valley. It's one level. We're all together, right. So my neighbor, who was a neighbor who I barely knew, turned into a blog reader, turned into a dear family friend. He's one of the closest people in my life, matt. I call him Mayor Matt in the book because he's the mayor of our town, quote, unquote. He takes care of everyone. He says to me Jenna, let's plant a garden. And I'm like Matt, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2:

Did you not read the blog post?

Speaker 1:

Yes, Steve has stage four cancer and I just ignored him and he kept mentioning and I just kept ignoring him. And then one day I just said, well, let me just think about this for a minute. And we talked about it and somehow he convinced me it was a good idea to plant. And planting a garden, like Matt is like me. He's a Miller girl. My sisters and I call each other Miller girls. We attack something, we're going to do something. We go whole hog. There's no light gardening, so it becomes a huge, massive project and he, of course, brings in the community. The community is a part of it. We're hauling dirt, we're excavating, we're digging.

Speaker 1:

I actually have to go to physical therapy creating this new garden because I dig so hard that I, you know, hurt my neck. But what it does is it gives me a space to be outside of the cancer and the brain injury. But Steve is right there. Right, he's right there in the living room bed. He can see me out the window. Our whole yard is visible from where he's lying and I can still take care of Steve as his caregiver, make sure he's safe, be there if he needs something, because he can't move. But I can do something for me and I can put my hands in dirt and I can plant seeds that grow into flowers and I can transform the feeling of our garden.

Speaker 1:

And what's telling is the way I convinced myself to do this was I said this will be good for Steve, because Steve will look out from the hospital bed and see these pretty flowers, because I had to have an excuse to not be doting on him 24 seven. Otherwise it would have been making endless juices, tons of food that he wouldn't eat Cause you know, when you're on chemo you're not eating. So I found myself in the garden. I found the peace that you get with nature, with literally physically touching the earth. It was meditative. I was out there with my headlamp at night. I wouldn't leave it. I became obsessed with something else that wasn't Steve, and it was incredibly nurturing and wonderful to create beauty again. That's what I did as a designer and I thought that part of me was dead. That's not coming back. There's no meaning in new kitchens and bathrooms.

Speaker 2:

Who cares what your house?

Speaker 1:

looks like right, I mean, that was. I was like are you kidding me? That's just not important. And so I was able to give that gift to me, thanks to Matt, and also start to see myself for the first time. So that was 2019.

Speaker 1:

So the accident was 2017. So two and a half years after the accident, I started to get a glimmer of me, just a glimmer. It would still take me many, many more years to even know the word caregiver and to even know what I did was extraordinary as someone caring for someone else. But that was the start of it and I have Matt to thank for that. And that also taught me the gift of creation again, because I had thought that I isolated. That Designer is over here, the person who does that is here, and this person is a caregiver even though I didn't know that word, is here. So now I blend the two.

Speaker 1:

So, as I, when I became free from caregiving from Steve full time, I had to think what am I going to do? Again, I didn't know. I mean, it's like, okay, the book wasn't written, not that you're going to make money selling a book, but I needed to start paying the bills and I needed to figure out who I was. I worked at a flower shop for six weeks and so I started creating beauty slowly at the flower shop and I walked the flower shop from my home in Mill Valley Mill Valley is incredibly idyllic, it's like the cutest town and so I just started to ease into that. And then my partner said well, why don't you get back into design? Everybody kept saying it. I just thought, oh, I don't know, can I? And then something happened. Oh, I accidentally posted a bunch of design photos on my new Instagram. I didn't even have an online presence before the accident, I was just word of mouth. And then they populated to Facebook Next thing. You know, my design photos are all over Facebook and I'm starting to get calls.

Speaker 1:

I'm like wait what's happening Like oh, I didn't realize I did that and so I sort of fell into it. And so I sort of fell into it. But even prior to that I had started getting my sort of fingers wet just testing the waters at my boyfriend's house. He said I said I need to over, I need to redo your front yard. It's just a mess. And one day I just transformed it and that was so satisfying and felt so good again. And the next thing I'm painting his front door. The next thing I know I'm like I found this beautiful piece of art at the junkyard.

Speaker 2:

You're creating again. I'm creating again.

Speaker 1:

You're creating. But I was doing it in isolation, I was doing it for me, I was doing it to feel good again, to see could that part of me resurface? And what does it look like when I blend the old parts of me with the new parts of me? And it's a gentler, softer me. I can still grind, but I don't grind with the same fervor, I don't grind with the same intensity. I produce, but more mindfully, with more discernment, I guess you could say if that makes any sense. But I saw the value of art and I saw it was very healing for me to do his garden and to start to work on his house. And I'm different as a designer now I have a little more edge to me. I'm a little more I don't know less concerned, more like free, more wild yeah, more in touch with your spiritual side, yeah, yeah it's all connected, it's all.

Speaker 1:

We think they're separate, but they're all connected.

Speaker 2:

They're not they're all connected, yeah oh goodness. So I always want to ask my guests if they could recommend a book other than yours. Obviously, yours is going to be linked here. Your book is truly phenomenal. I love it. But a book other than yours that has impacted you personally or professionally that you think the audience should read.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so I'm going to grab this one. So this is the Untethered soul. This is already on your list. It's a good one, but it is like so this is me. Oh well, let me show you. This is me like trying to understand what's going on. Like why am I happy and sad? Yes, what? What's this soul part of me? What's who's god? Like what? Who am I? Why is this happening? This was my, my playbook for understanding the new world I was thrust into through this accident, so I read it several times. In fact, it's time to read it again, because you asked me to tell you what book to recommend. So that, to me, is yeah, I'm going to pick it up again. But that was incredibly helpful, because I was really confused. I did not know what was happening.

Speaker 2:

Right, yeah Well, and sometimes you're not meant to fully understand it. And one thing I think is really interesting about your journey is you talk about the different lessons throughout your journey, and it's not over.

Speaker 2:

Like life isn't over, it's not over You're still learning and growing and evolving and having to deal with what is now your new reality, with Steve being the way Steve is and the impact on you and the trauma and the impact on your children and your family. And it is all a journey about exploring yourself. But one thing that I truly just love about you and your story you are just so focused on trying to help others learn from what you've done.

Speaker 1:

And.

Speaker 2:

I applaud you for that, so thank you.

Speaker 2:

Thank you and thank you for helping me do that. Oh, and it's been so great to have you on the show and we will absolutely stay connected. So thank you so much, jenna. Your book is phenomenal. I'm going to tag it here, I will post it on Instagram, I'll talk about it. It's just really an amazing story and I can see it becoming a movie. You could hear it becoming a movie. It would make a great movie, so I could see that in the future. So thank you for coming on the show.

Speaker 1:

I appreciate you making so much time to talk to us and I wish you all the best. Thank you, jean, I appreciate it. It was a wonderful conversation.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, we'll talk soon. Thank you for joining us for another episode of the House of Germar podcast, where wellness starts within. We appreciate you being a part of our community and hope you felt inspired and motivated by our guest. If you enjoyed this episode, please write us a review and share it with friends. Building our reach on YouTube and Apple podcasts will help us get closer to our mission to empower 1 million women to live all in. You can also follow us on Instagram at House of Jermar and sign up to be a part of our monthly inspiration newsletter through our website, houseofjermarcom. If you or someone you know would be a good guest on the show, please reach out to us at podcast at houseofgermarcom. This has been a House of Germar production with your host, jean Collins. Thank you for joining our house.