Insights from the Couch - Mental Health at Midlife

Ep.25: Holiday Survival Guide

• Colette Fehr, Laura Bowman • Season 2 • Episode 25

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The holiday season is here, and with it comes joy, challenges, and plenty of stress. In this special episode we tackle the big issues that make the holidays overwhelming—from managing expectations and setting boundaries to dealing with financial stress and navigating family dynamics. We share our candid personal stories and practical strategies to help you stay grounded, embrace self-care, and survive (or even thrive!) this holiday season. 

 

Episode Highlights:
[2:45] – Stressful moments as parents during the holidays: when the magic of Christmas becomes all work.
[4:12] – Colette shares her story of a solo Christmas and the importance of reframing loneliness.
[7:08] – Why opting out of traditional holiday expectations can be liberating.
[9:16] – Handling family dynamics and setting boundaries for visits.
[14:47] – Letting go of people-pleasing and prioritizing your own well-being.
[20:47] – Parenting through the holidays: supporting grown kids without guilt or pressure.
[24:13] – Navigating tricky family conversations around politics and other hot-button issues.
[28:03] – How to balance indulgence with self-care during the holiday season.

 

Resources:

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Laura Bowman:

I welcome back, guys to another episode of insights from the couch. We are doing today, a special holiday episode, a holiday Survival Guide of sorts. It's going to be just Colette and I talking about what we know is big, hot button issues for people at the holidays.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, on how to get through like, you know, it's when you're a kid. It's so much fun. When you're an adult, it's not so much work. Yeah, it's a lot of work. Hopefully, it's fun too. But how can we also incorporate self care, handle boundaries, navigate difficult family situations, and challenge expectations so that the holidays are as smooth and enjoyable as possible for you. So let's dive in.

Laura Bowman:

When did you, I mean, I that just to speak to that, like, when did you realize, like you were Santa, like you were like the magic for the whole season,

Colette Fehr:

when I got divorced with a two year old and four year old and had no money or help,

Laura Bowman:

yeah, and it really hit you,

Unknown:

yeah,

Colette Fehr:

yeah, and it wasn't so much fun suddenly anymore. I have to tell you, I know he's politically incorrect now for some people, but Louis CK, this comedian who got canceled due to his sexually predatory behavior. So shall we say he used to have a show that was so great called like, I think Louis CK or Louie anyway, long, long, long time ago, and he had this episode that anyone who's been through divorce would relate to so much, and probably even parents who aren't divorced. It was the finale. It's Christmas. He's this divorced dad. He's got two little girls, and they've come over to him for Christmas. So he runs around killing himself. To make the holiday perfect, he bought one kid this doll. The Doll's eye pops out, or it's like, stuck in the wrong place. It's stuck in the wrong place. He tries to, like, adjust it, then the eye pops out. It like, falls in the toilet. He's up all night, rapping, trying to fix the doll. The kids wake up, they open the presents in 4.2 seconds, the things are flung aside, and then mom comes to pick them up, and they're off to mom's house. And it's like 24 hours of just stress and Annie and desperate desire to please, and then you see him slumped in his underwear. Like, what just happened? Was any of it worth it? And he like, throws the Christmas tree out the window. So I remember watching that episode, and I was like, Oh my God, yes, someone feels my pain, and even if you're not divorced, it's a very demanding time for parents.

Laura Bowman:

I mean, yeah, I remember, like, just Joe and I building like the boys, like parking garages at midnight in our bedroom, like fighting with each other, like, how the hell do you make this thing work? And it was so stressful putting that stuff together. I'm so glad I'm done with that phase. Hell

Colette Fehr:

yes. I remember having my parents come down from New York and being in my garage and having them help me rap, and we'd like, run out there, and the garage was 1000 degrees, you know, Florida, even in December. And I'm trying to, like, stay up and rap, and it's just, it's so there's so many expectations. So even if you don't have kids, or you have older kids, rare is the person that doesn't experience some stress. And if you're alone during the holidays, yeah, this time that, like, everything painful tends to, like, bubble up and really sit with you. Good point. Yeah, it's, it's such like a time of couples and togetherness and families, and if you are alone right now, it's, it just feels so exacerbated, yeah, what if you're estranged from a family member? What if you don't have plans for the holidays? I have told the story many times, but I had a Christmas where my kids were with their dad. I don't remember why. I had a new job. I couldn't go home. I was by myself, completely alone on Christmas. What was that like?

Laura Bowman:

Like, how'd you get through that?

Colette Fehr:

Well, I thought it was gonna be awful, but I decided to, and I was feeling a little sorry for myself, and then I decided to, like, embrace it and change my mindset. And I bought this was in maybe 2006 or seven. I bought the Hunger Games trilogy. I had never read that kind of book, and I baked really gooey Duncan Hines brownies. And I sat and, like, I tried to build a fireplace in my I tried to build a fire at my fireplace, not a fireplace, and I smoked yourself out. Yeah, I couldn't do it, so I gave up on that. But I ate brownies and I read, like all three books, I sat there for 12 hours in my PJs. And actually, it was great, and it was a time I realized. Just, I'm gonna be okay. But I do think that not everybody or every holiday you can just have that shift. I think it can be a lonely time. So what advice would you give to a client or a friend who's going into the holidays alone?

Laura Bowman:

I mean, I think that what your story highlights is like, do something for yourself that you love, like, take care of yourself somehow, some way, make it make it palatable, make it comforting. Go see a movie, read a book, bake yourself some beautiful food, like, care for yourself radically. I mean, what else? What else is there to do? Or call friend? Like, if there's a friend you can connect with, or, I mean, anything, yeah, I

Colette Fehr:

know for me, I had people that I probably could have gone to, but I didn't want to. I felt like it would make me feel sadder to go hang out with, like a friend and their family. Like, I think there were people who invited me, and I was grateful, but I didn't want to do that because there was loss about what the holidays had been for me. So I agree with you, find some way to create a beautiful experience for yourself. And what's beautiful for you may not be gooey brownies and the Hunger Games trilogy, but that did it for me. I mean, I had no money, you know, I didn't go on a trip or anything, but I ended up feeling like I took care of myself and having a good day. So that's again,

Laura Bowman:

that's the other thing about the season too. Like you're saying having no money, like, you know, you look around and it if you are struggling financially during this time, it's very hard to feel excited about any of it. And there's so many, you know, talk about expectations. I was just listening to a client talking about how she's got to get money ready for the garbage guy and the pool guy and like, the teacher's gifts. I mean, there's so many. It can get as big as you want it to get in terms of thinking people, I agree. And

Colette Fehr:

let me just tell you right now, like, Can we agree on air that we're not doing gifts

Laura Bowman:

for each other? My favorite thing about our relationship? Yeah, yeah. I actually have opted out pretty much of everything me too. I stopped doing Christmas cards. And I do feel, I do feel a little bit of like, sadness, or like, oh, maybe I should still be doing that when I see, like, my friends who still get, like, all the family photo cards, and I'm like, nobody sends those to me anymore because I stopped years ago. Yeah, but I can't. I just can't do that stuff. Me neither.

Colette Fehr:

I stopped the Christmas cards a long time ago. I don't miss it at all. And to me, the closest relationships are the ones that, like, I can say, I'm not buying you a gift. Don't buy me a gift. And other than, like, even my husband and I, we're not doing gifts. We're doing a trip in the spring. And so yeah, what do I want? I don't want. I hate stuff anyway. I know it's like, conspicuous consumption. I don't give a shit about gifts, so no games, and I don't feel like I have any money really, to spend right now on, like, lavish things, you know? I'll get something for my parents, I'll get something for my niece and something for my kids, and

Laura Bowman:

that's it. Yeah, I'm kind of in the same boat.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, everybody else, that will be an experience. Yeah? I

Laura Bowman:

agree. I think err on the side of seeing people, and I just give people permission to opt out. Yeah, you know, and it's hard for people, especially when you have friends that are that do elaborate things, and depending on what circles you travel in, it can, they can be elaborate.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, they can. I think I've let go of all of that. So let's talk about that a little. Let's talk about letting go of expectations so that the holidays work for you, not what they should be suck. A little bit about dealing with difficult family situations. And, you know, sometimes having boundaries, how helpful that can be, because I think this is what it's about. The Holidays should be as much as possible, a holiday that, like works for you and your life. Yeah, not some idea of what a holiday should be. So can I, yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. Go

Laura Bowman:

ahead. I have so much on this. This is my big rock at the holidays, but go ahead. No, tell me what you're thinking. I want to hear what you're I mean, this is my constant struggle, and especially, you know, my mom and her husband come down, and they live in Pennsylvania, and they drive down with a dog. This is their big trip, right? And so she has, she's done this, and she used to live here, but she's done this routine for years now, and there's a romanticized version in her head so and every time I talk to her about it, she's like, Oh, we're gonna come down. It's gonna be great. I mean, they stay for, like, sometimes they'll stay for two and a half weeks, which just it never works. I'm just gonna tell you it never it never goes well. Like. There's always a thing a lot. It's just too much, right? But in her mind, this is the highlight reel of the year. We're going to do all these things. It's going to be so great. And now I'm old enough to realize, like your expectations are, are never going to be met, and it ever is that great and and yet it's very hard to have a conversation around hey, look, I don't think the two week thing works very well, because there's such a there's such an expectation of this is, these are our best times of the year, and we got to make it work. But if

Colette Fehr:

the two weeks doesn't work for you, is it hard then for you to say like, you feel like you're disappointing them? If you say, hey, two weeks is a little long in the tooth.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, it's a tremendous amount of disappointment and pushback. And every year it goes to gets to a point where she says something along the lines of, like, I think I'm we're gonna leave early, and then she's upset that I'm not more upset that they're leaving. And she's like, Don't you want me here? And and so we go through that ring of her all every year. I think this year, she says she was gonna go visit some friends in like Naples and Sarasota. I don't know, as though that will happen, but wow, why

Colette Fehr:

aren't you more upset that I'm leaving. Sounds like you need therapy. Laura, no.

Laura Bowman:

I mean, I'm so used to it, and this is really like the big visit that we have every year. So you know. And you know, when you have aging parents, you know the statistic, it's like you are gonna see them. How many more times? I know. So you try to treasure these things, but you have to be real. And I think my husband said it best when we had a visit, he said, Look, we don't need to do any visits over 100 hours. Once that 100 hour limit hits like

Colette Fehr:

we're tapped out. Sadly, I had to take a moment to calculate how many. What is that like? Four days. Yeah, about four days, yeah. 24 hours is almost a quarter, yeah, I got there, so, yeah, four days. No, I hear you, and I think that sometimes I even fall into the like, Oh, this is going to be so great. Last year, I took my kids to New York, and, you know, oh, it's, we're gonna, I'm gonna see my whole family, and we're gonna have, like, New York City, because that's where I grew up. So for me, that's going home, you know, it's not like a trip to New York. But for my kids, even though they've grown up going there, it's still like a trip to New York, and they want to go to, like, the touristy areas and shop. And what I quickly realized we got stuck in a really scary protest where I actually almost had a panic attack. And so, yeah, it was really, really scary. And, you know, I'm just hemorrhaging money, hemorrhaging money and working a commission only job as a therapist, and being out of the office and then hemorrhaging money is stressful, you know? So here I am. I've spent like God knows what on these tickets, and then we're staying in my mom's house. And while we love being together, there's also four women with strong personalities under one roof who all like things to go their way, and are very vocal. So there's like bickering, and my mom lives alone, and my kids are like, fuck you. I hate you. Let's go have lunch. I want pizza, right? It's like, my poor mom's like, oh my god, shut up, you know so. And then I'm sitting there going, Why did I spend every available dollar I had on this fucking holiday that sucks ass and is bankrupting me? Why my parents like that too? So all of this is to say, and I do want to introduce for people who are divorced or remarried, also that there's a whole nother layer of complication with these holidays that really goes to expectations, which is that you may not have your kids for the holidays. That can be hard. You have to share them with possibly another family. In addition to complexities with in laws, many of my clients have spouses who don't get along with their in laws. They don't even want to be around them. Yeah, you know, you can start adding a lot of people and a lot of different people's expectations into the mix. So I know it's easier said than done, but I think the first thing is really trying to actively shed the expectations of others, and remember you can't make everyone happy, and it isn't your job too. Yes,

Laura Bowman:

that's true, and that's one of the ways I cope with having people around, is I I tell myself I'm not changing my schedule radically, like I work out when I always work out. Yeah, I go to bed. When I go to bed because I am a recovering or in the middle of becoming a recovering people pleaser. I'm just I tend to be accommodate. Have an accommodating energy. Yeah, and that's one of the things that I've really stopped doing. Is when I have somebody in my house, I do not change how I operate. I don't sit out on the sofa till like midnight to chat with people. Like, I just know I'm going to bed. When I'm going to bed, I'm doing my workout. I'm like, one of these weird people that does puzzles over the holidays, and, like, everybody gets annoyed by it, but I don't care. I'm gonna do my puzzle like, come talk to me in the puzzle room if you want.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, yeah. I think that's an important thing to maintain your routine and your own health care. Yeah. And then also, you know, if you've got somebody who wants you to come to Pennsylvania, New York for the holidays, because it's their idea a mother, a mother in law of what the holidays should be, and it really doesn't work for you and your family. You know it really is okay to say no. In fact, everyone and anyone I'm so deeply steeped in recovery from people pleasing, but nobody even believes I used to be a people pleaser anymore, because I'm now kind of in like zero fucks land with it. I feel like people pleasing destroyed my own well being, yeah, for sure, as it often does, I ended up presenting other people for choices I made that I didn't see I was making. I felt like I had no choice, but it was because I couldn't tolerate the discomfort of disapproval or disappointment, and the only way to get there is to generate some disapproval and disappointment and ride through it, surf the wave of that, and you land on shore, and then you realize you can, and you start that process early and often, like I think that The longer you go in your life not being the, you know, because I went pretty long being the accommodating force in my family, and I'll never I but one Christmas, my mom looked at me and said, like he used to be so much nicer. What

Laura Bowman:

happened to you? Which, you know, was really me just setting boundaries. But the people who set boundaries early and often, you know, when they have a young family and they say, well, we're not, we're not traveling, we're staying in our own house for Christmas or right, you know, we'll see you at another time during the year, those are the people who do far better. Yeah, it's because you are going to have to disappoint people. And really, you know, people are going to go through a period of saying, You know what happened to you well,

Colette Fehr:

especially if you were not that way from the beginning, yeah, it's never too late to start boundaries. Never too late. You can train people how to deal with you eventually, if guilt doesn't work, if you don't cave to guilt, people stop doing it, because it goes nowhere. No one can play to an empty house, right? And I think the one thing that's really served me that may be helpful for some people is that the idea, especially as a divorced person, I had to realize early on and get getting divorced again when my kids were really little, my family's in New York. I don't have any family here. Now. I have my dad here, but I didn't until a couple years ago. So we decided, since my ex husband has his family in Hawaii half the time, that we would rotate Christmases. So wouldn't be like Christmas afternoon the other parents saw the kids, because that way, if it was my year, I could go to New York. If it was his year, he could go to Hawaii. And so as a result, it started this trend of, I'm gonna have Christmas two days before or the weekend before. And what I quickly realized, instead of being all upset, it's the 25th and I'm my kids aren't here, Christmas became the day that I was with my kids, and maybe I took them to New York the weekend before, maybe I told my parents I can't do it this year. You guys come here. But whatever day I made Christmas was Christmas, and so yeah, and it began this openness to flexibility that has served me really well. And my parents got divorced when I was in college, and I just did an interview about this, one of the things they did so well that they taught me was never putting guilt on me or pressure to do what they wanted me to do for the holidays. And this is so important, because I believe you are a parent for life. When your children are adults, when they're in college, it is your job to make things easier for them as a parent, not to put your own disappointment, your own expectations, on your children, because if you have a split family, like you're divorced. And this year and your kids are all at college, like my kids are at college. I don't get to see them unless they come home. If I start saying like, Oh my god, am I going to see you for Christmas? Are you going to spend Christmas with me? What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Right? I am putting so much pressure on these two young women who did not choose for us to get divorced, right? Who are thrust into this situation? It's just not fair to them. What I like them to be with me, yes, but instead, I take the approach I learned from my parents. You do what you want to do, and I'll make a holiday with you, or we'll make some fun ritual. We'll do something to celebrate together, and it doesn't matter what it looks like or what day it is, the point is to be together at some point.

Laura Bowman:

I love that frame. I mean, that's such a gift your parents gave you. Yep, I don't think, I don't think everyone's family op, I think guilt is the operating mechanism in many families. It is, and the need to have your children with you, and that primal need is very powerful for some people, and they will use guilt as a tool. I love what Kelly Corrigan always says about her perspective towards her children. She says, you know my because she has two girls that are college age, and she said, they don't owe me anything. You know, they're running their own lives now. And she always says, I can't get enough meaning. I'll always want to spend time with you guys, but I don't need a thing. And that's her line, you

Colette Fehr:

know, can't get exactly what I'm describing, but that's a gift.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, everybody gets it, okay,

Colette Fehr:

but, but that I saw my parents do that. But every person can make a choice to do that, right? You don't have to have learned that from your family. I mean, don't think that I'm not gonna be sad or that I don't wish. I mean, my kids, I just found out the other day, and even know what they were doing for Thanksgiving, and I finally said, Are you guys gonna be here? Oh no, we're going to Vera beach with dad, and, like, their dad's whole side of the family, you know, I'm so happy for them, because that'll be so fun, and I wish they would be with me like I'm not so evolved that I don't give a shit. It is sad for me, but it's a choice I make as a parent to accept that and embrace and I don't go, oh, well, well, I see you at all. They're not even coming home for Thanksgiving. They're gonna go to vero and back to college, so I will not see them, right? You know what? That's okay. They're 21 and they're 23 and the last thing any human being needs is like, oh, but what about me? I'll be alone, tough shit. Like, that's not their problem. That's my problem, to fill my life with something fun and to take care of myself. It's not my kid's job to make the holiday good for me, right? And it's amazing. Like all the older women out there, you can give that gift to your children, even if, even if it is hard, like that's a gift you can give. But what about the families where no one's gonna give you that? You're just gonna have to extract yourself from that dynamic? Yeah, that's when all you can do are the boundaries. Because if you're divorced, it's one thing. I mean, when kids are young, they split the holiday most of the time, it's already like established. But when kids get older, college and beyond, it becomes, you know, kind of a loose construct, and your children are eventually going to potentially get married or have life partners and have even more people they have to share the holiday with. And I hear all the time from clients, oh, you know, our parents don't understand, or we're going to be celebrating with this one, and the mother of the other family is manipulating or going like, oh, well, you know, so and so is coming for the holidays this year, and you're not going to be here. I mean, this could be her last year alive. Oh, I hear this too, yeah. And I'm not saying it's not hard. I am saying that you still have to dig deep and decide what's right for you and stick with it, yeah? And some people make it easier, yeah? Some people do. And, gosh, that's a gift.

Laura Bowman:

That's a gift I want this holiday, yeah, but what about other issues during this this season? I mean, politics, politics with family members. Oh, I forgot about that.

Colette Fehr:

Boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries. I mean, look, this is the holidays. Bring a lot of opportunities to develop your own emotional maturity. If you feel uncomfortable telling someone, I don't want to talk about that. This is the time to learn. And I think it can be said really nicely, where you can say, Look, you know, I don't think we see eye to eye, and I totally respect your opinion, even if you don't, I respect your opinion. I don't want this to come between us. Let's just talk about something else or. You know it's Christmas Day, like, let's not get into all that. Or you can even make it like it just stresses you out and you want to focus on something fun for the holidays, but nip it in the bud, because those conversations can go south really fast when like Uncle Larry suddenly decides to start inserting his opinion about what women should do with their bodies and how you know abortion should be illegal, and like, you're on fire before you know it.

Laura Bowman:

Well, there is a brand of person too that finds inciting these conversations, like, fantastic, and they love the conflict. And they love to, like, totally,

Colette Fehr:

my family's full of them, yeah. Like, if

Laura Bowman:

they, if they get any sense that they can, you know that there's a distance between you, they're gonna keep picking at the scab. So you're right. Like, don't engage. Don't try to defend. If you're starting to defend your point of view, you're gone. You're lost. It's that boundary that's like, right there. That's like, Hey, I don't want to do this.

Colette Fehr:

And I think for people who are like that where debating or goading you is a sport, and they enjoy the act of it, I would even say that you and again, I'm not saying this is easy, but there's always a first time to flex these muscles to set it in advance. Hey, I'm so excited for the holiday. You know, I know how much you love these conversations. I just want to, like, say in advance. I don't want to get into anything. I do this with my own family. My dad likes to talk about politics constantly, and I happen to agree with a lot of his perspective. But it's like exhausting oxygen, yeah, all the things that are wrong with the world that we can't control, and how fucked up this and that is, it's like, sometimes I just want to think about light hearted things. I'm a therapist. I'm listening to heavy shit all, yeah, so I'll say to my dad, I don't want to hear the news and the background. I don't want to hear about how this and that article right now, like, I just want, like, a light moment, and then there are other times I'll talk about it, but tell people in advance, I don't want to go there this day, yeah, and hope that, hopefully that's respected, right? Or you can always walk away. You have that choice too, exactly, if it's not respected, like you're the only person who can hold your boundaries, you can't really expect somebody else to respect your boundaries. It's nice when they do, but you're the one who holds your boundary. Yep.

Laura Bowman:

So speaking of which, which were like, just teed up a whole other topic for me. This is a season of, like, a lot of drinking, a lot of over eating, like food is being presented to you, left, right and center. You know, how do you take care of yourself and sort of stay into in within integrity with yourself, on how you take care of yourself during these times?

Colette Fehr:

It's a great question. I fuck this up almost every year. Yeah, so, so do I? I mean, I always set out like my the little like, go getter in me always loves the idea of, like, this holiday season. I'm not gonna wait for January.

Laura Bowman:

I Winter arc, have you I'm gonna do the winter arc.

Colette Fehr:

I'm gonna be like, on some kind of health kick in November. I'm not gonna gain weight. I'm gonna actually get more toned. I'm not gonna drink. You know, I love that idea of, like, being sort of above and ahead of the holiday glutton Yes, and then inevitably, I usually cave. Now this year I have an assist for my diet shots because I'm taking zbound, so that will help me not over indulge. But I do think it's important to have some kind of like routine and self care that you adhere to so that you keep your sanity and you don't roll into the New Year feeling, because January is depressing.

Laura Bowman:

I hate January. I

Colette Fehr:

mean, everyone does.

Laura Bowman:

And you go, it's so funny. You go from like, you know, everything in the grocery store is like a sprinkled cookie and like a gorgeous confection, and then in January, it's like bone broth and like austere and it's like, right?

Colette Fehr:

Everyone's like, dry January, everyone's broke. There's nothing to look forward to. The only holiday is Martin Luther King, which doesn't come with vacations or gifts.

Laura Bowman:

Valentine's Day is like, somewhat on the horizon, but fuck

Colette Fehr:

about that commercial holiday. Commercial holiday. Another one, yeah, and it's like winter. I mean, we live in Florida, where it's still sunny, and I even feel a little depressed. In January, it's like back to like, the grind.

Laura Bowman:

I agree. I. Agree, but yeah, that's how I do. I mean, I, I'm famous for folding in October around, like, candy corn. Like, once I get, once I introduce candy corn into my house, I'm gone like, that means I'm going down, like, the how the rabbit hole, Candy rabbit hole, and then I'm going to be into the cookies. I have not done the candy corn this year, I'm holding a good baseline. So that's my my expectation for myself, you know, do show up for my workouts, keep my baseline. Yeah, and it's not that I won't participate in certain things, but, yeah, I don't want to go down the rabbit hole too many I don't either on that. I

Colette Fehr:

don't either. I really, you know, I think you and I both have talked about this. I'm thinking about going off alcohol completely altogether again, anyway, but because I have a trip to Italy in less than six months, I don't want to go off till after that. But I'm really committed to minimizing the minimal minimum, just because we just went to that conference where we learned, yet again, what we already know, which is that it's so bad for you, and it also can lead to, you know, I eat more, even on diet shots, than most people eat, not on diet shots. So drinking for me can lead to overeating. And once I get a taste of something I really like, it can be a slippery slope. I think what I want to avoid is not that you should never indulge. I mean, we don't want to say like, good, bad and be in that black and white kind of thinking and food is joyous and connecting and fun also. But I think what I don't like about the holidays that I've had some years and I haven't some other years, is a feeling of being out of control, that I'm just sort of like, I've let everything go, and I'm just sort of careening through the days, snacking all day on crap. Well, it's

Laura Bowman:

like, it mode, right? It's like, In for a penny, in for a pound. It's like, Oh, I'll deal with this in January, and then you really won't, you know, or you kind of will, right? Or

Colette Fehr:

you hit January and it feels big and you feel down and defeated. And it's not just about weight, it really is about self care. So this year, what I'm going to do, because I'm in a big push to try to build muscle, just because I'm in, like, the waning stage of perimenopause, and I know that's really important for my health, so I'm going to focus a lot on weight training and also getting outside to walk, because it's so good for my mindset. And I feel like we can make the mistake of trying to put too many parameters in place. I'm going to focus on those two things and just perfect. Yeah, I'm being really minimal with alcohol. Yeah,

Laura Bowman:

I'm right there with you. I've got, you know, like a bare bones structure. I'm taking supplements. I'd like to get seven out of seven days on supplements. I'd like to get my three weight training workouts in a week. I like to get my three to four walks and runs in and like the minimal alcohol, and if I just kind of keep to that skeleton, yep, I feel like it's not so bad.

Colette Fehr:

I agree. So let's recap some of what we're suggesting for people as we wrap up here, because we're going to be popping back on throughout the holidays with mini sods for you guys, so you can report how well we're doing or not doing with what we're claiming we're going to do. But self care is really important always. But self care is figuring out what kind of routine, not putting too much into it, but what kind of routine will it be important to maintain during the holidays so that you're feeling your best? And of course, part of self care is boundaries, boundaries

Laura Bowman:

and then setting expectations, not only with other people, but with yourself. I mean, this is even we didn't talk about it, but like, I can get or, historically, having three kids, I can get really wacky about gift giving, where I'm like, Oh, I don't have enough for this one, and then I just spending more money and like, trying to even out the gifts. Like, get set your own expectations for how much money you're gonna spend, how much you're gonna really participate in all of this. Yep, so you don't find yourself getting pulled along,

Colette Fehr:

right and don't give in to the guilt leveraging attempts of others, even if it's really hard and uncomfortable, decide what you're willing to do and not do for the holidays, because people our Age, especially women, we can all feel tugged between children, parents, in laws, so many people who have their own ideas of the holidays, and your idea of the holidays is the thing that matters the most. Yeah, that's a hard one for people. Yes, it is, but it's worth doing, even though it's uncomfortable. All and

Laura Bowman:

don't and give your gift. Give the gift to your children of not putting guilt on them, especially if you're from a divorced family, yeah, and they are torn between family systems. But you know, let your kids be autonomous, and don't put your

Colette Fehr:

needs at the fore, right? That's the biggest gift you can give anyone. Is to let go of your own expectations and not impose them on others. So we'll be back next week with a special mini sode for you guys, where we'll be checking in, and we'll be doing that throughout December. So thank you for listening, and please don't forget to share this episode with your friends, leave us a review so you can help us spread the word about insights from the couch. And we hope you enjoyed our insights from the couch today.

Laura Bowman:

Have a great holiday. Happy

Colette Fehr:

Thanksgiving. Bye, guys. You