Insights from the Couch - Mental Health at Midlife

Ep.32: Dating and Finding Lasting Love at Midlife with Sandy Weiner

• Colette Fehr, Laura Bowman • Season 3 • Episode 32

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In this heartfelt and inspiring episode, we sit down with the incredible Sandy Weiner, internationally recognized dating coach, TEDx speaker, best-selling author, and host of Last First Date Radio. Sandy shares her journey of rediscovering love at midlife and the empowering lessons she’s learned about dating, self-knowledge, and personal growth. We dive into her holistic approach to dating and relationships, explore the surprising ways midlifers can find lasting love, and discuss what it really takes to build a meaningful relationship at this stage of life. Join us as we uncover the keys to finding—and keeping—a lasting love.

 

Episode Highlights:
[00:00] - Introduction to Sandy Weiner and her inspiring journey to becoming a dating and relationship coach.
[05:25] - The influence of family dynamics on our approach to relationships.
[07:22] - Coaching highlights and witnessing clients grow into fulfilling relationships.
[13:05] - Staying open to unexpected romantic connections, even in unlikely places.
[18:51] - The rise of self-sufficient women at midlife and the choice to remain single unless a partner adds genuine value.
[20:48] - Overcoming the most common dating obstacles and the importance of a growth mindset.
[29:38] - Knowing and respecting your “operating system” in relationships.
[30:49] - Secrets to making love last, from self-improvement to embracing compatibility over chemistry. 

 

Resources:

For more on this topic visit our website insightsfromthecouch.org If you have questions please email us at info@insightsfromthecouch.org we would love to hear from you!

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Colette Fehr:

Sandy, welcome back to insights from the couch mental health at midlife. We have a fabulous guest today, Sandy Weiner, who is here with us to talk about dating at midlife and beyond, and finding love at this stage of life, which we're all very optimistic about. Sandy leaner is the chief love officer. I love that at last first date. She's an internationally known TEDx speaker, dating and relationship coach, author and podcast host. Her approach to coaching is holistic, encompassing a hybrid mix of life coaching, neuro linguistic programming and non violent communication. She's the author of three books, which is very impressive, becoming a woman of value, how to thrive in life and love and choice points in dating, empowering women to make healthier decisions in love and love at last, true stories of falling in love later in life. She's also the host of two popular podcasts, last first date radio and the woman of value podcast, and she believes it's never too late to have the life and love you want welcome, Sandy. We are so happy to have you, and I cannot wait to dig into this conversation.

Sandy Weiner:

I'm so excited to be here and share all the stuff

Colette Fehr:

I wondered at first I listened to your TED Talk. It was so good, and you shared your story, I wonder if you could share a little bit of that with us. What led you to get into this line of work?

Sandy Weiner:

Yeah, and you don't wake up when you're five years old thinking I'm going to be a dating coach one day. I really got into this field because I struggled so much with relationships. And I think many of us get into helping fields, helping professions, because of our own story. For me, I watched my parents go through a really bad marriage with terrible communication, and nobody talked about feelings, and I just was kind of flying by the seat of my pants. And right before I met the man who became my husband, I fell madly in love with a man who, it turned out, was not interested in me, but we were we were friends for a very long time, and I thought it was getting closer and closer to a relationship. We did everything together, and I talk about this in my TED talk, and I was shocked to find out that he was engaged to somebody else. So this also speaks to my lack of communication skills. I would just kind of take those little breadcrumbs and hope that they would turn it into a loaf of bread. And after that, I shut my heart down. I just said, I'm going to use my head and not my heart to choose a spouse. And I was getting to that age, you know, closer to 30, where I thought my ovaries were gonna completely expire, and I got that time clock kick ticking, and I chose the first man who proposed to me, who seemed to be madly in love with me, and I thought that would keep my heart safe. And it did not shocker. Spoiler Exactly. Spoiler alert, I just didn't really know what I was doing. And I you know, we we had a lot of crisis in our marriage, and it was just the way we handled crisis was completely different from each other. Just talking to my son about our parenting styles were completely opposite, opposed, and it was not a fun marriage. And I stayed for 23 years, and finally left. And when I left, I had found I need to reflame parts of me that have been lost along the way, and one of those parts was the ability to connect deeply with people. I was known as that person my whole life, and I studied a little bit of art therapy in college because I was an artist primarily, and I didn't like the program. I felt very interpretive, like we were interpreting for the people, and I am much more of a believer that we provide skills and people interpret for themselves, and that's why coaching spoke to me so when I found that it was like great fit and I didn't dive right into dating and relationship coaching, it was more midlife transition, and I was helping men and women transition into this part of their lives, and whether it was empty nest or finding A new career, and then I kind of stumbled upon dating because friends of mine were dating way before I was after divorce and making a complete mess of their lives. And I was just like, you're completely misreading what men are saying, like they're telling you they they're not gonna have a relationship with you, and you're saying, Oh. Do you think that means? I don't really. I'm like, that. It means what he said. So I and I was writing profiles for people like I just it came naturally to me, and I didn't even know it was a career. And then after doing this for a while, I was like, you know, this is really an important field. We struggle so much with this. I struggled so much with this, and that's really how it became a career for me.

Colette Fehr:

I relate to so much of that, you know, growing up in a house also where I didn't witness healthy communication, and you're not set up for a good foundation for what to look for in a marriage. You know, I came out of that environment thinking, if there's no discussion of anything and everyone has a smile on their face, then we're good. And my god, is that the worst perspective? So I really appreciate you shared with listeners what you went through in your marriages and this evolution. What a great job. I imagine you have a lot of fun too, doing what you do, is that true?

Sandy Weiner:

I have fun. I kind of think of it as like I'm watching my children grow. You watch somebody come to you with all of these struggles, and then at the end, they are happy with themselves. They are better at relationships. They have skills. They have better relationships with their families, with their co workers, they're now bolder, more confident. And I think the highlight, one of the highlights for me recently, was coming to Florida to officiate at the wedding of one of my clients. It was the first time I officiated, so I watched her go from I think I'm asexual, because that's what my therapist told me, because I'm not attracted to anybody, too. I am madly in love with this man, but she never wanted to go on a second date with him, and so I said, I have to officiate this wedding. And it was just amazing. So you talk about full circle coming from that initial meeting where she's crying to me, I'll never find love again. I had a horrible marriage, and we were full of conflict. She had no idea how to how to fight fair, how to do any of the skills that we teach. And now they're in this beautiful, loving relationship, and I got to witness all of it. So, yeah, fun and Yeah,

Laura Bowman:

amazing art, right? As you just watch people believe in themselves and then create lives that are worth having. What's I mean, I see a lot of women at midlife who are very I mean, especially if you haven't dated since you were young, it throws you back to a very vulnerable place, like, what is the typical client that you that you work with? Or is every story hyper unique? Or is there sort of a core client you have?

Sandy Weiner:

I attract a lot of anxiously attached people. I attract a lot of people who have been people pleasers,

Colette Fehr:

anything about that

Sandy Weiner:

I know, really overachievers, perfectionists, you know, focused a lot on work and forgot to focus on love or didn't know how to I've had people who came from really, really damaging beginnings, some people who are never married. It really runs the gamut. And I started coaching men a few years ago too. So I've had a lot of widowed men and women and people who don't even know how to get started. A lot of people have this misconception that if you're widowed, you don't have a lot of damage, like you had a perfect marriage, right? And you're going to be just out there, and it's going to be super easy for you, and it's not. It requires skills, and it requires self knowledge and also looking at what happened in your marriage that you don't want to repeat. Even if you had an extraordinary relationship and you really miss your partner, there were always things that we can do differently and better.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, that makes sense. Let me first ask, because we talked about this a little bit you and I in your latest book, where you have all these beautiful and interesting stories of how couples find love later in life. What are some of the surprising ways couples have met that you've heard because I think this gives people a lot of hope.

Sandy Weiner:

One of my favorite stories is, think it's chapter five, where this chance encounter in Tuscany happened, and this woman was a client of mine for many years, the loveliest, most beautiful woman, she was just not finding connection with most people that she was meeting in Texas where she lived, and she was holding out for something special. So she did all the work she had, like a file she once sent it to me of all the things that she compiled about best practices and dating and relationships. So it was really just a matter of the. Connection with the right person, and she was unique. She had was multilingual. She was a person who was very charitable. Loved to travel, and then COVID happened, and she couldn't travel. So when the COVID restrictions opened, she went to Italy with a friend. Something happened with their hotel reservation. It got messed up. So they ended up in in this beautiful town, and they got invited to a dinner party. And the dinner party, it was just a big table. This woman used to do these dinner parties every month, and she seated her next to this guy who spoke Italian, and she wanted to practice her time. She sits next to this guy, and she said it was like a bubble, like she was in this flow of conversation. They couldn't stop talking. Was like nobody else was there. You know when you're when you meet somebody and oh my god, you click. And yeah, they really clicked. And she was going back to Texas. He's a travel guide, and he was going to be traveling all over. So they he said, Can we keep in touch and practice, I'll practice my English, you'll practice your Italian over Skype. So they're doing that, and as she's getting to know him, and turns out he keeps mentioning a partner, and she's like, I don't know if this is a business partner or partner, partner. So I said, just ask him. She asked him. It turns out he's living with this woman. So she says, Am I crazy to keep talking to him? I'm really attracted to him. I feel such a strong like soul connection to this guy. And I said, if you're okay with him, you can let go of attachment to the outcome. Just do it. Who cares? Whatever happens will be a good thing. And so they continued this way for a number of months, and then he invited her back to Italy, and she broke her foot. She gets to Italy, trips and falls, ends up in the emergency room with like a giant boot. And they're about to meet, and I think they booked separate rooms, and he went out that night to the terrace, and it was pouring rain, and in the middle of the night, he's out there, and he's like in this meditative state, and he comes back and he goes to her, and he says, I had this, this epiphany last night that I need to break up with my partner and be with you. Of course, it's not simple, right? Breakups are not simple. You're living with a partner. Is that simple. So I want people to know like it's magical and it's beautiful. It's her dream come true that she never would have met him had she not had this accidental meeting. But it took a while to iron out all the stuff. This woman was really upset that he was leaving her, and he had to, you know, just to break up that whole relationship took a lot of energy, mentally, physically, all of it, but she is so happy. And that, to me, that was one of my favorites.

Colette Fehr:

It's like Under the Tuscan Sun, but real life exactly. It

Laura Bowman:

can be anywhere, right? Like, find anywhere a person can be anywhere you have to remain open to it and

Colette Fehr:

put yourself out there. And, like I always say, talk to strangers, be friendly, be open. I met my husband in a similar way, you know, in a restaurant where I made an offhand comment then offended him, and it turned into a whole thing, and now 12 years later, here we are. You just don't know, yeah, and it's so encouraging to hear other stories, because I know a lot of people, both from being a therapist friends and I had 11 years of being single between my marriages, where I was out there dating, so I've done a lot of this. I'm curious. Sandy, do you date? Where are you in your own trajectory with all of this?

Sandy Weiner:

Yeah, so when I first became a dating coach, I thought the most important thing was that I should find my happy ending. I'm not. I'm not talking about that happy ending and love. Yeah, but I thought, you know, you got to tie it all up in a bow, and the only people who who are trusted are people who are in happy relationships. And the truth is, I date. I've been in relationships, but I'm not settling this time around. And it gets harder as you get older. To be honest, I'm 68 it's not like when I was 48 I'm looking for somebody who adds value to my life, and I add value to his. And a lot of the people I meet just haven't done work on themselves. They are really stuck, very victimy, boring. I'm a pretty active I mean, I'm still reinventing myself every day, and I'm putting myself out there in many ways, both meeting people in real life and meeting them online. And I'm open in so many ways to how I'm going to meet them. To who I'm going to need, but it's it's not always a simple process, and I'm okay with it, but I am actively doing all the things I talk to people about doing,

Colette Fehr:

and I think that's great that you are I think it makes a lot of sense that you're going through. You have your professional knowledge, but you're also walking the walk. I'm also curious, what do you think about and do you have any tips for our listeners on online dating? What's the latest on all that? Because I hear a lot of like frustration.

Sandy Weiner:

It has become even more frustrating than it was when I started after my divorce. So about 14 years ago, I don't think there were really apps back then, there were just dating sites, and I had this idea I was going to take out a profile, and then I was going to have, like, a million men contact me and be so overwhelming, just like I thought, I would start a website and a blog, and I'd have 1000 comments, and I'd have to be online all day dealing with that. So none of that. It happens. You have to have a really thick skin, I think number one. But there are skills involved. And I teach a course called Find love online after 40 it's actually starting again October 30. It's a four week class. We start with, what are your fears? What's getting in the way of dating in general, and then I help them write a profile that's going to work what people write. I mean, I have seen the worst online dating profiles where people will say, I am petite and pretty, like, first of all, let people use their eyes to decide if you're pretty. That's not what you put in your profile. You put in the things that make you unique, the qualities you're looking for in a partner, who you are and what you want. And I've seen profiles where it's all about I'm great, and I do all these wonderful things for people. I give massages, I make good chicken soup. And I remember this one woman, and she was like, everything was all about giving and doing. And I said, What kind of men have you been attracting? And they were all takers, duh. So I said, you haven't written one word about what your requirements are, what you need in a partner. And so we need both. We need to know how to message effectively. We need to know how to get off of text and onto a phone call, onto a date. We need to know how to open up our preferences so we're not just dating people in a five mile radius, and we're open to people who are shorter than we think we need, and maybe a different race than you considered, you know, when you really boil it down to what are the must haves and deal breakers, then everything else opens up. And, you know, and knowing how to make that list. So I do that in the course also, and tons of other great information

Laura Bowman:

I would need that course, because I've been, you know, the person that's been in, like, a 24 year marriage. And if, I mean, I can't even imagine dating like that is so terrifying to me, and I'm such an introvert that I think Colette would have to, like, drag me somewhere and be like, you're gonna talk to people like,

Colette Fehr:

man, the crap out of you. Don't know

Laura Bowman:

that actually would be, like, semi fun just to like. But here's the thing, one thing that Colette and I talk a lot about, or what we see, is that as women get older, a lot of them, very many of them definitely want a good partner who's additive to their life, but a lot of women are really very comfortable on their own with their groups of friends, living their best life. Are you seeing that trend that a lot of women get to a place that it's like, if a partner is an additive, they're really not particularly interested? Yes,

Sandy Weiner:

I see a lot of women like that. I fall into that category. You have to just look at the fine line between. Am I doing this because I'm afraid there aren't any people, or I haven't dated in so long that I don't want to put myself back out there, I don't want to get hurt. So I will get a dog and get lots of friends and have my pickleball and whatever else people do at this stage in life, which I've never done, as long as you're not doing it because you're afraid, yeah, then and you're doing it from a place of love and choice, that's great. I think what I worry about is the people who are petrified to date and or they've gotten hurt so many times, they're like, Yeah, I'm fine, and we're closed on the process, yeah, and they may not know what it would be like to be in a healthy partnership, because very few people have been and so if you've had a really rough relationship history, then why would you want to be in a relationship? You can't even picture a partnership that would be healthy and. Nourishing and wonderful and add value to your life. So I think people just need to look at that and just and just see where their choice is coming from. And

Colette Fehr:

I imagine you also see a lot of people who are fearful because it is so scary to put your heart out there. And by this stage of life, we, most of us, have been hurt, at least if we're dating again, right? And that relational pain is so deep, it's so hard, it's so easy for married friends to say, Oh, you got to get back out there. And they don't know what it feels like to be in those shoes. Are there particular obstacles that you see come up, that people really need to overcome, and I imagine you help them work on in terms of finding lasting love

Sandy Weiner:

Absolutely. So I think we'll start with mindset. If you don't have a growth mindset and you have a really fixed mindset about this is, this is what happened. This will happen again. It's just the way it is. My parents were messed up, so I'm messed up and yada yada yada. That stops you cold from moving forward. So mindset is number one. Like really look at where those beliefs came from, where you're limiting, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, actions, begin and work on that. The other thing is, look at whatever choices you've made, look at the patterns that you have, and try to find the commonalities. So we always like, you know, connect the dots. I look at people's relationship history and the fact that they've ignored Red Flags over and over and over again, but they're all the same red flags, like they showed up early on, but we pushed them down, hoped that somehow they would change with it's a lot of that wishful thinking, fantasy love story that we create so like, really get honest with yourself, know yourself and see what you have decided is the perfect partner for you, the type which is usually wrong for you, the distance issue. Like, we have one couple in the book, who met when she was in Florida and he was in Uruguay. And they met over zoom, 100 hours of talking on Zoom until he came back to Florida, where his second home was. They were like snow birds, and he had the second home, and it was a big risk, but they got to know each other really well, because they were both open.

Colette Fehr:

So what would you tell somebody to say, like, what's the casual way you coach people women to ask a man out or ask another woman out?

Sandy Weiner:

So let's say you meet somebody in the gym. You have a crush on somebody, but you don't really know anything about them. You could ask them to help you learn how to use a piece of equipment. You could say, Hey, I'm going out for coffee after I need to get caffeinated up. Would you like to join me? You know, if it's somebody like one of my clients met a guy in a park, and they exchanged numbers, and it was a very casual, non romantic kind of connection, but she would like to go on a date with him. So I said you could send him a text that says something like, I just discovered a new, really cool coffee shop. Would you like to join me on Saturday for a cup of coffee? Just it's low risk. You know, it's not like, Please marry me. I don't think about

Laura Bowman:

you as you're saying that I'm already, like, a little blended with my old tropes of, like, what men should do and what women should do, and that that I've, I've been coached in my own brain that, like, men are the pursuers, and you let men pursue. I'm sure you hear and the women. I think we even have, like, a big nugget of like, pick me energy, like, Do you like me? Like, am I wanted? Like, that's so much of what shows up in dating. Like, am I enough? That's what's on the line. But as we get older, are we allowed to be a lot more irreverent about this? Do these things have to, like, fall away?

Sandy Weiner:

We're allowed to. I encourage people to be I think we have to really look at so many it's that's one of the limiting beliefs, in my opinion, that men are the pursuers. I mean, most men love when a woman asks them out. And I encourage my female clients to make the first move everywhere online dating. Why be passive in your dating life when you're not passive everywhere else? I love it. It's so true, though, and it's a lot of women push back, and then they're the women who do too much, you know, who are like, I'm paying for you, and then they get mad at the man for not offering. I mean, it's we're still living in this. Kind of in between period where we had the ME TOO movement. So men are afraid to make first moves, but then women don't like it, because they want a man to take them and show them that they really care. And and I've had men ask permission. I had a man ask if he could pay. Is it okay if I pay? And I'm like, Wow, I've never had a man ask me that. I mean, just so that's what we we're living. I'm like, Yeah, I love to be treated. I mean, I think we have to really look at like, do I really feel this way? Or is this just an old belief that society put on me for my whole life?

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, I'm more afraid of rejection because we're human, but once you do it and you experience some you realize it isn't going to kill you,

Sandy Weiner:

people are looking for that easy, easy thing to oh, let me follow the rules. So if this didn't work for me in the past, and now I'm going to act hard to get men are going to be more interested in me. And it's not true at all, and it's really ruined a lot of people's dating life because it's so manipulative, and it does encourage people to have a lot more anxiety, to have that avoidant, anxious dance, because everybody's always pushing and pulling and nobody's being true to themselves. So I'm all about authenticity, and bring your best self, but don't, don't dump your entire life out, because that's your true self. You know, learn to have a filter. Learn, learn how to present your life in a way that is skilled, but don't fake who you are.

Colette Fehr:

I love that authenticity is the key Absolutely. I

Sandy Weiner:

mean, I think the more you work on yourself and the more securely attached you become, the more you're turned off by these stupid games. And you know, where that person who has a narcissistic tendencies, who reminds you of your father or your mother, it doesn't work anymore. It's like, all of a sudden you realize, okay, maybe they're still attractive to me, but I'm not attracted to them in the same way that I used to be, and I will not get involved in a relationship with someone like this anymore, because, you know better.

Laura Bowman:

So okay, so just imagine, just for our listener, like one of our listeners, say they're out of a marriage, long term marriage, and they're getting ready to date. What are some of like in your mind, the prerequisite skills that a person may need to take the time to really develop before they're ready to be out there dating,

Sandy Weiner:

I would say after, you develop the you know, the knowledge of your past history patterns, hearing your attachment style, but really knowing all those parts of you. The next step to me is knowing your values and knowing how you operate. I give my clients something I call an operating manual, and I have them fill it out for themselves so that they can really take a deeper look into how they function on a few key categories that will come up in the dating world. So the first one is your day to day. Are you a morning person? Are you a night person? Are you what kind of food do you eat? You know, just the kind of practical and then, are you an introvert, extrovert? You know, those are things that are important to know and also to talk about when you're dating, because I had clients who were very introverted needed a lot of downtime when they were on vacation with a partner, but didn't claim it because they felt it was too needy. So owning that, owning Hey, I'm going to need a couple of hours of downtime when we're away. What do you need having those conversations. So the next part is your values, right? What are your values? What? What is really core to who you are, that you may have given up in other relationships, that you're not going to give up in relationships in the future. And so you protect those values with boundaries, with communication skills. And so I teach all of those and to bring stuff up when, when something is hurtful, to bring it up right away, to get curious. Curiosity is like my magic word. People jump to conclusion about everything all the time that must mean this, and this person did this, and that's why this happened, dude, we don't know. And so I encourage all of our listeners who are dating to ask questions.

Laura Bowman:

I love the part about knowing your operating system and being willing to claim it. Think everybody should do that inventory and be able to communicate it. Yeah, own

Sandy Weiner:

it. Don't prioritize somebody else's needs over your own, because it will hurt you every single time. And that goes for people who are raising young children who never take time for themselves. It goes for people who you know don't exercise every day, or don't eat healthy, like if you I had a client who meditated every morning, but when she. Was in a relationship, she gave it up and started feeling horrible. And I said, you need to talk to the man you're dating and tell him that you're going to need a certain amount of time in the morning to meditate. That's it. I respect people who know themselves. I love when somebody says I'm going to need to take a break during the day because I'm overwhelmed. Please do that instead of taking it out on me exactly.

Colette Fehr:

And it's just, it's mature, it's self loving, and it also lets a partner know who you are and where your boundaries are. And it's so important, because that's going to have to continue throughout the relationship Absolutely, Yep, yeah. So that said, Sandy, what are some of the secrets to making love? Last

Sandy Weiner:

from your perspective, well, each chapter in my book has love lessons. I asked all of the couples to share what makes their relationship work, I summarize all of them at the end of the book and put them in categories. Of the first category was self improvement and reflection. You really have to take the time to know yourself like we've been talking about, become a higher version of yourself so that you're out there dating with more emotional maturity, with a lot of self knowledge, and just look at those habits that have formed and question them. The second category was attitude and perspective. And so being positive and hopeful. I think a lot of people just give up hope. And they also rush in. They rush a relationship. And so that's really important not to rush, because when you rush, you try to hurry things along that usually crashes and burns. Also, don't judge somebody after a first date. I think those first date sparks are such a terrible thing that we've been taught that we're going to feel it and we're going to know it and and our type is the right person. And all of these people dated outside of their type, pretty much. So be open to those surprises. Get some relationship skills. You know, those are really important, and know who's compatible. You know, don't just look for chemistry. So many people focus so much on chemistry that they forget about compatibility. And chemistry is fleeting. Compatibility is what builds chemistry and makes it continue to flourish and grow. So

Laura Bowman:

your message to like a woman who's like, Ah, I dated that like I went on a date with him, and like my mother always says, I can't get horizontal with that man. You know, that sort of thing. I can't get horizontal with him. I mean, is that, do you encourage people to go on a couple more dates and just remain open or, like, where do you, you know, use your intuition around chemistry?

Sandy Weiner:

Yeah. So if you can't imagine ever kissing or getting horizontal with somebody, ever, like, in here turned off completely. Yeah, yeah, don't go on another date. Like, okay, there. There are reasons for that too. You know, conversation is stilted. It's not in flow. The person was on their phone during the day. Like, whatever it's it's just not gonna work for you. But if the person has some of your must haves no apparent deal breakers. There's some attraction you could imagine maybe kissing this person. Maybe one day. Maybe it's a five out of 10. Give them another chance. This wedding that I officiated, she absolutely would never have gone on a second date. She was like, I'm not attracted to him, but she was never attracted to anyone. And so the second date, she was like, he was asking her. He tried to hold her hand, and she pulled it away, and then he said, Are you even looking for a relationship? And she said, yeah. What? Like, what's wrong with this guy? Why is he talking to me about relationships? I just met him. He's pushy. He's too, you know. So her mother said, talk to him, tell him to slow down. Tell him you need more time, you know. So there was a connection. He saw the potential in her, which he was the most patient, incredible man, because she like she was giving him every sign that she was going to run away and but I do think that if there's some connection, give it a chance. Don't give it 20 dates, give it two or three and see connection grows, because kindness is really sexy. Somebody who shows up is sexy. You know, people who follow through and are consistent and start to build trust, people who listen well and don't just can take the whole conversation and make it about themselves. I mean, you know, and if you're having fun and enjoying it, just keep going and see what happens.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, and that's exactly what I did with my husband in that, you know. When he asked for my number, we had spent this evening talking for hours and hours and hours, but there was no he was not my type at all. In terms of the kind of guy I was, historically would go for. I thought he was a nice looking man, but he wasn't somebody that I would have automatically dated when I was younger, certainly. And there was no I was used to men really kind of coming on strong, and it having a big chemistry, and also it being very clear that a man was interested in me sexually. So I didn't get any of that from my husband. And in fact, to the point where I thought, does he just, like, want a therapist, or, like, a divorce buddy, or, you know, I didn't even know if he was interested in me, because there was none of that kind of flirtatiousness. And when he asked for my number, I really thought he just wanted a friend. And what I later found out was that he thought I would never be interested in him, and that, you know, he didn't really have a shot with me, but that maybe we could be friends, but he summoned the courage up to, like, ask me out. And over time, the very qualities you're pointing to that he showed himself to be reliable and trustworthy, and, you know, listened and was very accepting those things, especially as we get older and we get healthier, those things are very attractive,

Sandy Weiner:

yeah, and I love that story, because you gave him a chance, he gave you a chance. And it didn't happen with the giant fireworks and sparks. And I like the slow build. I think that it's much more trustworthy. And I think that, again, there was a reason you kept coming back for more. I had a relationship like that where he was really slow to make a move, and I'm like, Hey, I'm here. I'm interested. And, you know, once I talked to him about I wanted to be exclusive with him, he because that was the first time I ever did that too. He was like, I'm all in. And he had to cancel a date that he had. I didn't even know he was dating other people, but you have to assume people are dating others, until you have that conversation with them. And so women can make that have that conversation as well as men like Take, take, be bold. Make, make yours. In fact, that

Colette Fehr:

is what I did with my husband. I finally was the one, because every time I hung out with him, you're right, I there was a reason. I was coming back, and I started to like him more and more, and I had to really be the one to like make the first move. Good for you. It was too freaked out. Yeah, I love it so i And I love the idea of just giving everyone permission to go with your gut, be authentic. You really can't lose if you're doing that, you may get disappointed, you may get hurt, and you'll be able to handle it, and it will give you more confidence as you handle it, and everything leads you toward the person that is gonna work. You know, all the little missteps along the way, or disappointments, they're all grist for the mill.

Sandy Weiner:

Yeah, and learn from them. Like, really take them in and learn from them, because they will lead you there if you take it in and say, Okay, that didn't work that time. And I'm going to course correct and right. I remember, when I first started dating, I would totally fall for potential, like every man, oh, my god, I'd be talking to them on the phone. Oh, there were like, That's Martin, that's my person, and then I meet in person and go, Oh, my, what was I thinking? Because there was zero chemistry, and I had built a fantasy in my head. And we do this so often. We wanted to work so badly that we're just building something, this fake something in our heads. And it's that those highs and lows can kill you, and so don't do that like learn from that and learn what you need to be at the pace that works for you. I think we all have to really check in with ourselves. That's

Colette Fehr:

such good advice. Oh my gosh, Sandy, thank you. And before we let you go, please tell our listeners how they can connect with you and find your books and your podcasts and all that good stuff. Well,

Sandy Weiner:

this has just been a fantastic conversation. Thank you. You can find me at last first date.com and I have a tab that says courses and books, and it's all my courses, both live and DIY, and at the bottom of that page are links to all my books, to I have tons of programs, lots of blog posts, over 1000 I have a YouTube channel, Instagram. Just connect. Let's connect. Sandy, thank you

Colette Fehr:

again. This has been wonderful, and I. I can't wait to connect further. I'm so glad to have met you and for our listeners, thanks so much for joining us for another episode of insights from the couch. Don't forget to share with your friends who may benefit from this content and leave us a review, and we'll see you next week.

Unknown:

Thanks guys. You