Insights from the Couch - Mental Health at Midlife

Ep.42: How High Functioning Women Can Manage Stress and Prevent Self Abandonment with Dr. Kelly Kessler

• Colette Fehr, Laura Bowman • Season 3 • Episode 42

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In this episode of Insights from the Couch, we’re joined by Dr. Kelly Kessler, a physical therapist and transformation coach, who’s on a mission to help high-achieving women break free from self-abandonment and stress. Kelly shares her own journey of moving from a life of chronic self-sacrifice to one of self-honor and balance, offering strategies that can help you find your way back to yourself. She talks about nervous system regulation, the power of breath work, and why setting boundaries is essential to reclaiming your well-being. 

Together, we uncover why it’s crucial for women to prioritize their emotional and physical health, even in the midst of busy, driven lives. From techniques like the physiological sigh to embracing your inner critic with compassion, Dr. Kessler’s approach is both gentle and transformative. Tune in for practical tips, grounding insights, and actionable steps to start putting yourself first.

 

Episode Highlights:
[0:00] – Welcome and introduction to Dr. Kelly Kessler’s background and mission.[1:14] – Kelly shares her journey from self-abandonment to self-care and transformation.
[4:33] – Defining self-abandonment and how it impacts high-functioning women.[6:51] – Recognizing patterns of perfectionism and external validation in personal and professional lives.
[9:48] – Breathwork as a gateway to slowing down and self-connection.
[12:33] – Starting small: how breathwork and gentle exercise initiated Kelly’s healing journey.
[15:39] – Introducing the “physiological sigh” breath technique and its calming effects.
[20:30] – Exploring the connection between body, mind, and anxiety management.
[23:38] – Taming the inner critic and cultivating self-compassion through daily practices.
[27:46] – The role of boundaries in self-care and why they’re essential for personal peace.
[34:08] – The grief of setting boundaries and the empowerment it brings.
[38:27] – Final takeaways: honoring yourself as a non-negotiable priority.

 

Resources:

For more on this topic visit our website insightsfromthecouch.org If you have questions please email us at info@insightsfromthecouch.org we would love to hear from you!

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Laura Bowman:

Kelly, welcome back everybody for another episode of insights from the couch. We have Dr Kelly Kessler with us. Dr Kelly Kessler is a licensed physical therapist, transformation coach, host of the globally ranked podcast, rewiring health, the owner of optimal you, Health and Wellness LLC, a mom of two boys, Kelly helps high achieving women recognize and heal from dysfunctional patterns of abandoning themselves and feeling unrelenting stress through nervous system regulation and subconscious mind reprogramming. Kelly guides her clients through a personal transformation to step into their own power, reclaim their worth and honor their health and inner peace. Kelly has been featured in authority magazine, daily ALM that every girl and thrive global. Welcome Kelly. We are so excited to talk to you, because we have a lot of clients that need just this kind of help, high functioning women with unrelenting stress. So just start by telling us, like, what brought you to this work and your own journey with us?

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you so much for having you on here. I'm I'm so honored to talk about this, because it's been a personal journey of mine that brought me to this. So I didn't even recognize that throughout my entire life, I had been abandoning myself, and that is just the pattern that I just became accustomed to, and it became this place of safety for me, and I didn't realize it until I started healing myself, and much of it was that achievement. I was constantly seeking out something to feel like I was enough. You know that that constant theme in my life is like I'm not enough, so I have to figure out something that's going to make me feel like I'm enough. And in my 20s, it was an eating disorder that I went through where I was trying to form my body to feel like I was enough, and then it was going after the next degree to feel like, okay, once I have this, then I'll finally feel like I'm enough and never actually, ever filled my cup. It just led me to the next big thing and constantly trying to achieve. And through all that, I was just sacrificing everything within myself. I wasn't feeling joy. I was just pushing myself, working all the time, never honoring my own needs, thinking that like the more I push, then I'll finally get to this point where everything will settle down and life will be okay. And it never got to that. And I think we all have been there where we're just like, okay, one day this will all be worth it, and things will be okay, and I'll settle down, I'll feel like everything I did was worth it, and I was just constantly pushing myself to feel that it really just came to a head about five, six years ago, when I was working full time, driving an hour each way. I was pregnant with my first son, my husband, I were building our house, and we were the general contractor for the house, so we were coordinating everything. I was living in my parents house. We had three dogs. I mean, it was just like a complete chaotic time in my life. I was just holding it all together. So on the outside you'd be like, okay, she's got it. She got under control. She's taking care of everything. But inside, I was struggling so much. I was not helping myself in any way. I was just coming down to myself more, like, what else is gonna go wrong? Why? Why I feel like this? Like, you know, why am I in this position, like very much, that victim mentality I had at that time, I just was struggling to keep everything together, but I had that pressure from the outside that I had to keep it together, and it really just came to have when it was actually the pandemic hit, I got furloughed. My husband got furloughed. We had just moved in our house. My son was nine months old at that time, and I'm looking at him, and I'm like, I know I've been physically here, but I have not been here mentally or emotionally. And I'm like, I don't want to live like this anymore. You know? I'm like, I looked back in my life, and I'm like, I lived like this for probably about two decades, if not more, and I don't want to sacrifice these moments. I don't want to live like this. And I had no idea how I was going to get out of that, but I just knew at that point I refused to live like this anymore, and so that became my pivotal point where I start to just seek out something, out some other way to live, some other way to take care of myself.

Colette Fehr:

Thank you for sharing all of that with us, too. Kelly, so this is like a pivotal turning point for you, where you just said no more, and maybe for the listeners, can you just flesh out the way you define abandoning yourself or self? Self abandonment?

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

Yeah, absolutely so again, I didn't have this clarity then, but I can look back now and realize that I was silencing myself for other people's needs, so I would just not say what I actually felt, because it was more important for me to make sure their needs were taken care of their emotional needs. Everyone was okay. I'm a very empathic person, so I if everybody's okay, then I feel like I'm okay, and that's how I kind of lived most of my life. Yeah, I did it through perfectionism, thinking that like, when everything is perfect, then I'll be okay. And so I was constantly holding myself to the standard and then critiquing myself and criticizing myself when I didn't meet that standard. I went for years without actually ever taking care of myself when I would work out. I just push my body. Just keep pushing. It's a nice but I never actually, ever rest. I would never actually like, honor how I felt if I was tired, I would just be like, Okay, now I need to do more. This is ridiculous. Why am I tired? And I would just continue to push and push and push and push other ways I did it to would be self doubt like so I would question myself, question my own internal instincts. Then I would think that other people knew what was best for me, and so I'd be seeking out validation outside myself, constantly thinking that other people have the answers and what's right for me, and meanwhile, completely ignoring those like little pings within myself, be like, no, no, no, this is the path. And so those are just some ways that I was showing up regularly, but I didn't even realize that, because this was my norm. This is what I knew. And I felt like this is how doesn't everybody go through life like this? Yeah, I

Laura Bowman:

was, I was just telling Colette before we started recording, like, I work with a lot of type A women as well. I mean, these are the women that do come to therapy because they are they suffer. They really, really suffer. And it seems to me this, like, fine blend of, like, the trait of conscientiousness, agreeableness and neuroticism, that form a really tight knot in people's lives, and they're so productive on one end, so they get all the rewards from culture telling them, oh, look at you. Go, you're holding you know, you're so steady. But they just can't rest, and they can't enjoy themselves, and they just do not find pleasure in the process of life, which is really sad. So just tell us, like, how do you begin to confront this? Looking back, it

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

was just like a step wise process. I just would take the next breadcrumb, so I just would allow whatever kind of came to me to come to me. So it just first started. I actually was just watching Netflix, and I watched this documentary called heal, and it was talking about the connection between the mind and the body. And at that time, when I was going through that, I had chronic back pain for probably about five or six years at that time. And so I'm in my like, heal 30s, early 30s, then dealing with chronic back pain. So I was like, talking about, you know, I had done all the modalities. I'm a physical therapist. I know the body, you know, but it was talking about how the emotions impact the body. And I'm like, there was just something that felt like truth to me. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, maybe this is what I've been missing. And so I took that, and I'm like, okay, and for me, being the high achiever, I'm like, I'm gonna learn everything I can about this. So I dove in. Started doing some yoga practices, some deep breathing breathing practices. Just kept taking the breadcrumbs. I started reading. I would always read textbooks for school, but never did reading for myself. So I started just reading whatever books I could find. I started listening to the shift network. Got resources from there, and just like went in full force with everything that you know, that's what I knew. It's just like, okay, just learn as much as you can. And really that became the catalyst of like, okay, I'm understanding myself more. And it was really starting to understand that, like, through everything, I had never taken care of my emotional needs. I had never honored my emotions. And it was, it was actually kind of amazing, because through that process, as I started to recognize myself and validate myself and show myself some more love and slow down a little bit for the first time in my life, which felt so uncomfortable at that time, but my back pain actually started to diminish. And you know, I speak to you, no, I have no back pain. I haven't had back pain in a long time. So there, there is a truth to that, that our emotions impact our bodies. And so as I started to see these results in my life, I started to feel a little bit lighter. I started to feel a little bit better, how, just a little bit more clarity in my life. It was like almost became addictive. I'm like, This is it? I'm on the right path. I'm just gonna keep taking the breadcrumbs. And so it led me to one thing after another. I started my business at that time, when I was furloughed, my brother had helped me with that, and the business became a catalyst for healing. Because I'm like, well, now here I am. I'm going to learn everything I can create this business. I actually hired a business coach. And part of that business coaching was this wellness part to it, where you had to do an hour of activity, or showing up for yourself in some way, for an hour journaling. There's a lot of components to that. So now I'm investing money in this, and then for the first time, I'm like, well, if I'm gonna do this, I do everything full out. So it actually became this, like, this gift to myself, because I'm like, it's the first time I put myself as a non negotiable that, like, I'm gonna do this business full out, I have to dedicate this time. And instead of saying I'll do when I have time, it became like, No, this is what needs to get done every day. And so that totally shifted the way I viewed myself and taken care of myself, and it hasn't changed since then.

Colette Fehr:

So you're saying some really powerful, important things that I think so many women are high achieving and driven and even. Conditioned by society to perfectionism. You know, our society really colludes with this whole thing that we already have inside of ourselves. And you're giving great pieces for how you shifted that I think will really help listeners, like honoring your own emotions, tuning into all of that and really allowing yourself to feel because we know those emotions point to us to our needs. So then that sets the stage for not continuing to disown your needs and service of everybody else, and really noticing what's going on in your body, because those emotions do manifest that way, particularly if we ignore them, they're gonna, like, knock on the door louder, and it sounds like giving yourself the time and space to focus on you with these activities, like journaling, yoga, breathing, spending time with yourself, and like, really giving yourself validation and self compassion, which is the antidote to all of that inner critic, gurk, as I like to call it, and it's transformative, right? Like you feel it sounds like it was a positive feedback loop that was self rewarding 100%

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

I share this with people because I sort of see myself differently. And if you view yourself almost as like a bank account. And you continue the deposit into the bank account over and over and over again, you become less tolerant of people who are going to withdraw from it. And that's what started happening, is that, like every single day, I was showing up for myself, so I had less tolerance for the person who was going to drain me, for the person who wanted to talk negatively or complain or try to take time away from my day, I became better at saying, No, it's starting to set those boundaries. And boundaries were never a thing in my life before. Then, as I started looking at myself at Bank, I'm like, I have invested every single day the amount of time I put into myself, over and over again, to change the way I'm feeling, the way change the way I'm behaving. I am not going to continue down with these patterns of allowing people to take away from that. It's been a catalyst for me to really just anchor into myself again.

Laura Bowman:

I love that metaphor of the bank account. I mean, that's something I'm telling women all the time, is like, you've got to start redirecting. And we say this all the time, redirecting energy back towards yourself. And was that the first thing was that the beginning slowing down. What piece was the easiest for you to start to shift because I'm listening. I'm hearing my own clients in my head going like, where do I start? I feel like I can't rest. I can't slow down. What was the easiest shift to begin to make? Slowing

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

down was definitely not the easiest for me. That was the most uncomfortable.

Unknown:

I still don't want to do that. Yeah, reject, hard,

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

yes. And I think that's what it is, because I think that actually becomes like a point of resistance where people be like, Oh, just slow down and quiet your mind. And I'm like, How do you do that? Like, when you're so on hyper drive, it's so hard. So yeah, like, actually a big piece of that was like giving myself grace and realizing that, like, it's not going to happen overnight, that I actually have to train this. So that was actually part of that that's allowed me to, like, actually do meditation where I feel like I'm benefiting from it. I try meditation on how many times, and I just feel like it doesn't work for me. I'm just gonna think negatively, and now I understand it. So yeah, slowing down was not the not the starting piece. It was showing up differently. So, um, like, taking the habits that you do, it's not just having that void, because slowing down almost felt like a void. Like I can't just sit here. I have to do something. So how can I replace my current habits with things actually serve me? So for me, like it was, you know, just one example would be, like, working out. I would be like, going down gym, working out hard more and more and more, and here I am just putting myself more in a stress response in my body. So instead, I started just doing some slower movements, so using my body differently. And that became a catalyst of just tuning into myself so it didn't feel like a void of like I'm not going to do exercise, or just I'm going to sit here. I started to replace it with that breath work was actually probably going back to that question. The first thing was really probably breath work, now that I'm thinking of it, is tuning into my breath because that was such a huge gateway for me to really just allow myself to slow down and calm down and and tune into myself for the first time, instead of tuning outside of myself. So that was a huge gateway, and that's something, again, that I don't have to think about it now. Like I just automatically, if I'm feeling stressed, it's like my body knows okay. Like, take the take some of those deep breaths, like physiological sigh. Like, you know, I have all these practices that are built in. And it was really my body that allowed my mind to open up. So once I allow my body to slow down, to feel safe in a moment, to show up in the world a little bit differently. Then I felt more receptive to changing the way my mind was processing things, instead of like trying to force it, like, you know, I was. I tended to be a very negative thinker, so I would think negatively about myself everything else, like I said in that years ago, I. Be like, Why is everything happening to me? So I recognize that I had this like victim mentality, and so allowing my body to show up differently, then gave my mind an ability to start to see things differently, and then that became a step wise process of changing the way I was showing up internally.

Colette Fehr:

Oh, that makes sense, and I'm so glad you said that so in terms of breath work, because it is so powerful, a mindfulness practice is great. But can you share some of what you like? Maybe a kind of breath exercise for the listener that is really helpful for calming down that stress response.

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

One thing that I do, like I have a hard time falling asleep, is the physiological side. Yeah, what is that? I don't even know what that is. So you breathe in through your nose for a count of six. So when you fully inhale, you're gonna take another little sip through your nose, hold it for four seconds, and then exhale for eight. And you can exhale through your mouth or your nose.

Colette Fehr:

I've never done it quite that way, you know. And we as therapists have had umpteen breath work trainings and, you know, box breathing and like, in for four, out for eight, but I've never done it like that. So it's in through the nose for six, then you take another little, animal sip, then you hold for four, and then you exhale, either through the nose or mouth for eight. Yeah, I feel like opening invigoration, actually, like, like a little almost like I drink something effervescent, and it's yes, like, in a good way, not like Diet Coke, like something.

Laura Bowman:

What do you use that in response for? Like, how do you implement that throughout the day?

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

If I recognize in myself that, like, something stressful happened, or I'm like, getting to a place where I'm like, starting going to a rumination cycle, I'll actually do that just to kind of recenter myself and just shift my nervous system. Because it's that nervous system that goes from a sympathetic it just helps it shift into that parasympathetic response where you can show up a little bit more clarity. So I'll do it when I notice that I'm having more of a stress response. I may be starting to get into some of those old patterns to help shift my system into more of a place of calm and harmony. But I also do it like before bed. So if I that was always a big thing, like with sleeping was always challenging for me. But if I'm having a time when I'm, like, really struggling to fall asleep, I'll do that. So do a few physiological sighs. And I like notice that it's like I can just, like, get to sleep easier by doing that. So that's been, like, my go to practice anytime I'm feeling like my system is getting a little bit more of that stress response. I go back to that.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, so it's a great way to regulate your nervous system, and I'm glad you talked about rumination, because I think a lot of us and a lot of our listeners will really relate to that. We are juggling so many things as women, there are plates spinning in the air, we're responsible for so much. And so it's really easy to get into these thinking loops that are just ruminatory and really amp up the stress in your body. And sometimes we're so pulled into our thoughts, it can be challenging to even notice that's what's happening. So I love the idea of this as just as you increase your self awareness of what you're thinking, what you're telling yourself, noticing when you're stuck in a loop, and just using this, did you call it physiological sigh, or physiological breath? Physiological sigh? Okay, yeah. So using this is just a way to interrupt and shift gears a little and come back to that regulated state. You know, it's that from like polyvagal theory. It's that green zone when you're open, you're grounded, you're curious, you're able to really think and feel from your adult self and move through the world engaged and present. You're neither shut down nor super activated, and that's really what allows us to enjoy life most, make the best decisions and take good care of ourselves. So it's a great tool. Thanks for sharing that. Yeah, absolutely.

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

Yeah, yeah. And

Laura Bowman:

what people like don't realize, and this is what in anxiety work, especially because I do a lot of it, is that anxiety lives in the body, mostly like, when people are really just uncomfortable with anxiety, they're like, I've got a pit in my stomach. I've got tension. I can't get rid of this feeling like a squirrel is crawling around in my body and and the thoughts are sometimes, like, secondary to that body piece and that actually going towards the body with, like, this kind of a tool, and I'm sure others, is the way you begin to make some space. Yeah, is that been your experience? Too

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

100% and it. It's funny, because being a physical therapist, like the body is my like comfort zone, like, I know the body, but like, anything else was, like, kind of foreign. So being able to use my body and understand my body, and it really has been that gateway to be like, okay, like, I feel different, this is working, and then it allowed me to go into some of those other tools and explore different options. But yeah, 100% the body has been such a huge catalyst for me to be able to use and really just show up differently, and then be able to be more receptive to other things.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, that's the ticket. That's the it's all in the body. I mean, anxiety is an alarm state in the body, and the thoughts are kind of like the top of the cone. But by tuning in and noticing that as like, oh, this tells me that I must be getting stressed or anxious. And now let me really tune into myself more deeply, rather than trying to resolve these problems that seem like the thing, let me really connect inside and breathe and bring myself back to a different state, and then people feel so empowered, right? Like what you're describing. It feels so good once you learn how to do these things that your high functioning anxiety doesn't have to define or run you. And I was sharing with Laura before we hopped on with you. You know, I'm a very kind of type A person in a lot of ways, and I like to be busy, and I like to do a lot, and I like to go, go, go. But one of the things that has been pivotal for me that you're really describing is just I also take really good care of myself, and I don't operate out of a place of an inner critic. Of course, we all have that voice inside because the brain is wired to run negative, and if we're not overriding it with intentional positive thoughts and messages, that's what we're going to do. But I've learned to not beat myself up, to give myself validation and compassion and to give myself rest and really recognize just as I like to go hard, it's also okay to spend a day in my pajamas and do nothing. I take a lot of vacations. I spend a lot of time with friends. So you know those things, you can still be who you are, but by taking care of yourself, well, it can feel so different, and it sounds to me like that's what you're describing. You have not had a lobotomy and become a different person. Thank God. No. Thank God. Those days are over, but you're also like, move through life and be yourself with just so much more grace for yourself and honoring of yourself, and it's really a beautiful thing.

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

Yes, I completely agree. I for myself, I don't think I've necessarily changed my core. I've just uncovered who I really am. I've released a lot of the things that were hiding my true self, and that's been the most beautiful thing. And it's not to say that I don't get into these really dark places, or have these really hard moments, or go through some really challenging things and struggle with that, but I don't stay there quite as long, and I don't go quite as deep as I used to, and that's the beauty of it. And I feel so much more empowered to bring myself out of that faster and understand it and be curious about it, rather than just kind of stop be stuck in that and feel like this is what, who I am. Oh, that's

Colette Fehr:

so beautiful. Thank you for saying that. And maybe we could ask you a little bit about what you use and what works for you with your clients and yourself for the thought part of it, right, and the inner critic part, like, what's been helpful for you in dealing with the inner critic,

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

a big part what I help people within myself is just understanding where this is coming from, and not necessarily that we need to know the exact time when these messages came from, but understanding that we have these beliefs that are literally running everything in our lives, and we will seek out evidence to make them true. And that has a huge that's been a huge cows in my life that I realized that, like, Okay, I have the power to change these beliefs and and also our people that I work with. Like, you have that power to change the meaning. You can't go back 20 years and change the event, but you can change the meaning that you give it. And that's the most empowering thing that we can do, and realize that, like, how can we look at that and see how life was actually working for us, not against us, and making that shift, so giving a different meaning, different perspectives, going back to maybe some of those moments that we've talked about over and over and over again, like, how can we shift the perspective that we have in that give it a different meaning that actually serves us? So that's been a big callous in that, and also understanding our values. So anchoring into what is your value? How do you want to show up in life? What is meaningful to you? Where do you want to invest your time and energy without outside influences just you? What does that look like, really? Just getting to know yourself again. And then another part of that is understanding my past version of myself, so the child version of myself, and what are. Some of those moments that I maybe felt unsupported. So for me, recognizing part of my healing was understanding like I had not a lot of emotional validation throughout my life, and that has been a huge awareness in me, and understanding like I didn't feel emotionally validated or understood or so I was always seeking out that validation and external to myself. So now I recognize like I have to validate myself. I have to validate my experience, and go back to the eight year old version of myself that was maybe going through something, and validate her experience too, and love her and really just honor what she was going through, because I'm gonna carry that through the rest of my life. I don't honor her and understand maybe what were some of those things that I wanted from somebody or I needed to feel or have those experiences, I also go to my future self and parent myself through my future self, and maybe I look at my like 56 year old self and be like, what would that version of myself Tell me now? And how would they parent me through this experience that I'm going through right now. So I very much use the past and the present to help me through where I am and how I see life as I am right now.

Colette Fehr:

Wow, thank you for sharing that. I know so many people are gonna relate to hearing you say that you didn't get a lot of emotional validation in childhood. I think that has been the experience for so many and really learning to give it to yourself and how powerful that can be. Yeah,

Laura Bowman:

and I love the past and future toggling back and forth to really get, like wise inner guidance from yourself. We certainly do a lot of the past stuff, but the future, like the 80 year old looking back, you know, what do they want for you? What would they be proud of? What's their wise next step for you? That's a really cool tool. Even as a therapist, like, I spend a lot of time talking to myself, saying things to myself, like, I'm the kind of person who you know, and you're always talking to yourself about who you are and who you aren't, and it's so easy to get blended with these, like, very rigid roles, like, I'm not the kind of person who does X or Y, and so it's like, really challenging that and looking at those automatic things you say about yourself and beginning to undo it, because we're not that fixed ever.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, Kelly, you mentioned before boundaries, this is like a perfect segue into boundaries. And I don't know, you know if you can share a little bit about how you conceptualize boundaries and how you've implemented them in your life, because this is something we're all always working on, especially as women, because society really doesn't want us to have any

Unknown:

100% because society benefits are from us not having them. So what does that look like for

Colette Fehr:

you? And have you had to declare some big boundaries that were really difficult? I'm sure.

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

Yeah. I mean, this has been an evolutionary process for me, and it will continue to be, I can say, a few years ago, I had no idea what boundaries were. Had none. I've had to establish, especially within this last few years, very, very strong boundaries with some people who were very close to me. I got to a point where, like, I literally, if I didn't, I would be self abandoning and really losing myself in the process. And because of how much I've worked on myself. I was no longer willing to accept some of the behaviors and things that were going on. It's challenging. So I think when one of the things of boundaries, the way I look at it, and what's helped me set them, is that I don't look at it as a wall and blocking people out of my life. I look at it as an invitation. So you're welcome to come into my life, but here are the standards in which I choose to live. Here are my values, and as long as you can support those values and not take away from them, you are welcome to be in my life and be part of it. But if the minute you start to detract from those values or started to drain me, then I'm sorry, like you can't cross that bridge into my life anymore. And so that's how I view it, that like I'm inviting people along this journey, but I'm not going to say the person I was 234, years ago, or or beyond that, like I'm evolving, and I'm always going to be growing, and you're welcome to come on that growth journey, but you have your own responsibility to do that along the way, and so it has been challenging. Boundaries have been one of those things that is given me so much strength within myself to realize that, like, I can take care of myself, and this has been a big part of me, like giving myself permission, of like, it's okay, like, that's where the inner child came from, like, I got you, I'm gonna protect you, I'm gonna take care of you, because I felt the pull of like, just, just appease them, take care of them, make sure they're okay, let them back in. You know, you feel that pull, and I have to constantly come back to myself, yeah, but I got me now. I didn't have me for my whole life, but I've got me now. And so that's where this has come in, and like, just that ultimate love for myself, that like I am worthy of living a life with peace, I'm worthy of living. Having a life where growth and autonomy is part of my life, and I'm worthy of that now, and I'm not willing to sacrifice that anymore. I'm not willing to tolerate things that detract from that. And so boundaries have been one of those, like really life saving pieces in my life, but also one of those really, really challenging pieces in my life, because I've had relationships dissolve and be removed from my life that were very, very meaningful throughout my whole life, and that's become very severed. I don't look at that in regret, because I gave them that choice, and that was their choice, and I chose me, and I chose to live my life with love for myself, and I will never regret that. What I would regret is living my life, maybe when I'm 6070, looking back and be like I chose everybody except for me. And so that's how I choose my live my life today. I

Laura Bowman:

love that. Boom,

Colette Fehr:

that's it, right? You choose you, and the only thing you would really regret is looking back on a lifetime of abandoning yourself, and I love how you're framing boundaries as an invitation. It's not a wall be in my life. I want you in my life, but if you can't honor my boundaries that are self loving for me, that are what I really need to be, okay, then that's your choice. If you want to engage with me, you stand steady in what you need, and then people are either going to, like, honor that, or they're not, and they really determine whether or not they're going to be in your life. Then there

Laura Bowman:

will be some necessary losses along the way. And this is why people continue to not, you know, to abandon themselves is because, like, risking connection with people you want to have in your life, even though they're not, like, great for you, is something people routinely do. But it's worth it, even though it's hard. Of

Colette Fehr:

course, it's hard. I mean, you're right, and Kelly, you're saying that right. You had to, like, maybe lose some relationships that were really close,

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

I did, and I want to say part of that is grief. I mean, I go through grief every single day. I work through that emotion of grief because of that. And so you can have both. You can love yourself and grieve at the same time. And that's been in my experience of, like, I, I'm experiencing a lot of grief this year, especially. I've had a lot of losses in my life because of relationships, and so it's been a lot of grief to go through that. And so, you know, it's not, I never want to downplay the complexity and the difficulty of that, the challenges that come along with that. And you know, every day it's going to be a little bit different, because sometimes those relationships, depending on how they either stammer for good or they kind of try to come back in, you have to reestablish those boundaries. It's grief every time. Because I'm not only grieving what I thought that relationship would be and my future of that relationship, but I also have to grieve the past version of myself, that version of myself is no longer here. So I have to grieve that that version is is gone. And you know, there's a lot of excitement and joy that there's a new version of myself, but there's parts of me that fit that mold, and parts of me that fit that life with people that is different now. And so there's a lot of grief in this process, that there's a lot of empowerment and boundaries, there's a lot of self love with boundaries, but boundaries also come with a significant amount of grief, and I think we also have to be very aware of that when we're setting these boundaries, to anticipate that we're going to have to experience some grief in that as well. Yeah, thanks

Laura Bowman:

for saying that, because that's the truth.

Colette Fehr:

It's easy to hold up a banner and be like we all need boundaries, and we know we need them. But then when it comes to you lose connections sometimes with people that either you feel like you're required to have a connection with, which makes it difficult, or just people that also provide some value that you love and care about. It's really hard to choose yourself on a daily basis when it comes to jeopardizing or potentially sacrificing relationship and connection, but it's worth it absolutely

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

100% I mean, as much grief as I experience every day, I still choose this every day, because

Colette Fehr:

honoring yourself once you get through the hard part, feels better than having regret or continuing to self abandon throughout life, because that's how people end up, resentful, sick, right? This stuff manifests in the body, living in a perpetual stress response, being dysregulated and feeling like this therapist, Liz, I know who's amazing. She always talks about it as hooking, like being hooked on someone else's speed boat, right? And you just get this great image of, like, they're jetting around and you're just flailing and, like, getting dunked in the water and half drowning, and then you're up and you're breathing, and then you're under.

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

It's such a good image. So true. Yes, yes.

Unknown:

Who wants to live like that?

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

It's. You have to show up for yourself every single day, validate your own emotions, validate your experience, love yourself, realize you're worthy of it. It's like that inner work you have to do every day, because if you don't it can very much, you can easily get into some of those old patterns. And just, I think the big thing with boundaries, and I just want to say this too, is like, as far as framing is like, boundaries is about loving yourself. It's not about punishing somebody else. And I want to make that very clear, because it's not about saying, oh, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna cut you out of my life, and then maybe you'll change. That's manipulation, if you're trying to get somebody to change, because your boundaries, that's not about it's about you preserving yourself, you protecting yourself, you installing that sense of safety within yourself, and that's that's really the intention behind a boundary, and

Laura Bowman:

then it clears the path I'm imagining ideally, that like the people who really can be there for you and be like, join that invitation and come and walk your path, kind of flow into your life. You've made space, and you're aware for the people who can actually be there with you. Yes,

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

you're so right. I mean, I would say with the loss, I have gained some great connections this last year, and people that I feel like it's just, it's like, on a soul level, you just very much connect with that person. And so there is loss of some relationships that there's also been gains of it. So you can see that that evolution of like you have to kind of shed some of those things that were your past self to make space for the new version of yourself.

Colette Fehr:

This has been a fantastic conversation that I think is really going to help our listeners. And can you tell everyone where they can find you, how they can connect with you or work with you, so you can find

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

me on all socials under Dr, dr Kelly Kessler, or at my website, optimal, uyou, Health and wellness.com,

Colette Fehr:

wonderful and anything else that you want to promote or or plug for our listeners, too. I

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

do have a guide. It's eight daily practices, and it's really for harnessing that self loyalty and nervous system harmony. So it's just eight simple things you can do within a few minutes each day just to show up for yourself and start to really connect with yourself. Oh, I love that. Yeah, it's on my on my website, so it'll pop right up if you go on my website, label like that. We're under any my links on social media, you can find that as well, great.

Colette Fehr:

And we're going to put your links in the show notes, so you guys can also check that for our listeners, and I think it would be extremely valuable to have that guide, so I'm gonna check that out too. And it's really cool to hear the perspective of somebody who's so immersed in working with the body and how you were able to use that knowledge to begin a journey. And this is something still that we can all do right, that like you can shift slowly. It's just being intentional and deciding that you're gonna choose yourself absolutely.

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

And even if it is a slow, you know, journey, you feel the differences each day. So it becomes this like catalyst to keep you moving forward that momentum. So, you know, don't get discouraged. If you feel like, oh, I have to do all this time you like you want to, you start to want to show up for yourself. It becomes that like Boulder, that maybe it's slow at first, but then you get this momentum. You're like, there's no stopping me now, here I

Colette Fehr:

go. So true and so beautiful. So a couple quick takeaways before we let you go. You know, what do you want to leave our listeners with as kind of the final nuggets, because you've said so many great things. Yeah, I

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

think just leave me with a quote. It's one of my favorite quotes that's resonate on me, but it's from Albert Einstein, and it says, No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. So if you want your life to look different, you have to become different within yourself. Oh, I

Laura Bowman:

just got goosebumps. I

Colette Fehr:

love I did too. I did too. Yeah, that is the body saying yes, yes, right? All of our bodies are,

Unknown:

let's help. Oh,

Colette Fehr:

my God, I love that so much. Thank you. Kelly, I have never even heard that quote, but I'm gonna put that somewhere that I can see it. It's powerful. My favorite, yes, yeah, oh my gosh. Thank you so much for being here. This has been wonderful. Everybody. Please check Kelly out. This is there's so much valuable information, and people can work with you too, right? You do transformational coaching, or, yep,

Unknown:

do one on one coaching. I

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

have courses, and then I'm starting community next year.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, this is so needed. So many women have autoimmune and all kinds of issues with pulling anxiety into the body. So this is, like, super helpful in serving a lot of people.

Dr. Kelly Kessler:

Thank you both so much. I truly enjoyed this conversation. I'm so grateful for you having me on today.

Colette Fehr:

Thank you and everyone. If you liked what you heard today, and we hope you did, please share with your friends, leave us a five star review, reach out to us with questions. We want to hear from you, and check out Kelly online. Everything's in the show notes, and we'll see you next time. Bye,

Unknown:

guys, you.