Insights from the Couch - Mental Health at Midlife

Ep.28: Holiday Minisode: Nuggets of Joy

• Colette Fehr, Laura Bowman • Season 2 • Episode 28

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The holidays can be stressful, but what if we shifted our focus to finding the little joys in life? In our final mini-episode of the season, we explore how to chase, find, and savor those joyful nuggets that make life sweeter—whether it's a perfectly brewed cup of coffee, a warm hug, or a deep connection with someone you love. Join us for an honest, playful, and heartwarming conversation about creating more joy, even when life feels heavy.

Episode Highlights: 
[1:43] - Why it’s hard for some to find joy and how intentionality changes everything. 
[2:31] - How small sensory pleasures like coffee, hot showers, and morning runs keep Laura grounded and joyful. 
[5:21] - The power of meaningful relationships, deep conversations, and shared moments of vulnerability. 
[10:09] - The importance of letting loose, embracing fun, and finding freedom in the little things. 
[12:47] - How mindfulness, humor, and gratitude transform the mundane into magic. 
[19:42] - A simple tool for keeping perspective and reducing frustration when life gets stressful. 
[21:23] - A reminder to live true to yourself and prioritize what really matters. 

Resources:
For more on this topic visit our website insightsfromthecouch.org If you have questions please email us at info@insightsfromthecouch.org we would love to hear from you!
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Stay tuned—Season 3 launches on January 8, 2025!

Colette Fehr:

Welcome back to insights from the couch. I'm Colette fair, your co host, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, here with my fabulous co host, Laura Bowman, licensed mental health counselor. And today we're doing our final mini sewed, Holiday Mini sewed, and we're going to try to really be mini this time.

Laura Bowman:

No, we're never really Mini, are we? Because when Laura

Colette Fehr:

and I get talking, it doesn't end. But you don't want to miss today's episode. It will be short and sweet, and we're talking about chasing joy, finding joy, grabbing those nuggets. What better time to focus on this than during the holidays, when there's so much stress and it can seem more challenging than ever.

Laura Bowman:

Is this hard for you

Colette Fehr:

finding joy? Yeah, Chase, is that what we're talking about?

Laura Bowman:

Yeah? Like, is this hard for you? No,

Colette Fehr:

I have to be honest. Either,

Laura Bowman:

really? No, okay, so effortless, which I feel I don't know. I don't know. I wonder if it's as easy for other people. Well,

Colette Fehr:

I know for a fact it's not easy for some people, because they're in my office, and I know you have that too. Yeah, yeah. I mean, so let's just set the stage, and then we're going to challenge ourselves to be short and sweet and to the point on this one. But we've we acknowledge, as human beings that we're wired to focus on the negative, so we have to really pay attention to the little bits that are good, and we've got to be intentional about that, or we're not going to do it, no matter how easy it is. I do think it's easier now that I'm a therapist. Do you find that too? Like I feel like I've trained myself to some degree.

Laura Bowman:

I think I'm wired this way, okay? I just think

Colette Fehr:

you feel like you're walking around like a bundle of joy all the time. Because I don't feel that okay, that's gonna

Laura Bowman:

be no no, no, no. I get annoyed. I spend a lot of time annoyed. And I love what, like what you said about your daughters fighting like prison inmates. Like I was reflecting on how I didn't talk about, like, how, what a weird season I'm in with my kids. Like they're just, they're a little, they're a little too old to be here, and we're in that, like, liminal space where everybody wants to get the fuck out, but they're like, they still want to be taken care of. So I, I'm in, I spend a lot of time, like, in that low level annoyance, it's just easy for me to shift into like a bigger picture.

Colette Fehr:

Okay, so talk about some of the things you do to be to find joy.

Laura Bowman:

So most of my stuff is just really bound. I'm a really routinized person. I love routine. I love that I do. I mean, I know. I don't mean to be a bitch. I think most Wow, Colet, don't make me hate you. Okay, okay, I'll try my strengths.

Colette Fehr:

I know it's great. I just hate routine. I'm sorry. I should conceal my reactions better. Okay, okay, my strong suit, that's

Laura Bowman:

just like, where I find a lot of groundedness. So, like my but do you find joy? Yeah, yeah, okay. Like, okay, I find so much like sensory comfort and like excitement in just my day to day. Okay? So, like my coffee, I could say there's endless joy in coffee for me. I don't know if you can relate

Colette Fehr:

to this. Oh, that I can relate to. I feel the same

Laura Bowman:

like a glass of wine. I always like, there's just a sensory level of enjoyment and like, bliss there. Yeah, running and my walks, my Saturday runs, are just like, just so dialed in, and like, Ah, I get so much out to them. I love it. I love a hot shower. I can deal with anything if I have a hot shower. Me too. Life can really suck as long as there's a hot shower around the corner.

Colette Fehr:

Okay, so what I'm hearing you say is that you find joy in the small daily pleasures, yes, and that you're savoring those things, and that the routinized aspect of it, like having like a structure and a routine brings you like comfort and that you're able to and I think this is the key part for people, is being able to stop and smell the roses, right? Because there are these little pockets of good in everyone's day, and are we paying attention to them and taking them in and savoring them the way you are? Yeah, as you say this, I'm trying to think about like, what the brings me joy. I don't know I feel like I feel everything very intensely as a human being. This is no surprise to you, and probably not to anybody listening at this point either. So if I'm sad, I'm really sad. If I'm happy, I'm really happy. I mean, I do think I experience more positive because I feel things so intensely. Yeah, and when I'm sad, let's just say I don't usually stay there. Long, but I feel it deeply, but I don't know that I am always paying attention to everything so much. I think I'm just kind of I also feel like I have a lot going on, but I know what brings me joy primarily is connection with people.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, see, you're better at getting connection with a wide range of people. I like connection with people as well, but I only really like it if it's at a certain depth, which you can't always get to right with everybody. Like that only comes with certain people and certain levels of closeness. So there's a lot of people that I'm like, I'm kind of dragged out, that I even have to interact with, yeah? But unless we get to a certain depth and then that's my magic spot, and I'm like, I'm loving this I'm loving this space, yeah? But having to just go and do the GET TO KNOW YOU phase of people feels really, really taxing for me.

Colette Fehr:

I understand that. I think as we get older, the superficial, the banal, the bullshit, small talk is just annoying. I do think, though, I enjoy the getting to know you phase, because I'm really curious about people, and I just fundamentally like people. Like, if I could have two things in the world, it would be books and people. Oh, I love that. Yeah. If I could have three things, it would be books, people and dogs. Dogs. Yeah, that was all over my list. Anything with the dog? Yeah, me too. Me too. I don't really care about that much else. Now this is assuming that food is a given, because I have to, and not just food. I don't want to just survive. I wanted really good foodie food. Yes,

Laura Bowman:

foodie food. That's your scent. You're, like, sensual, like that

Colette Fehr:

too. Like, I am very sensory, yes. Like, it's okay, all that. Yeah. So what now that I'm saying this, before we move into how do you notice what the nuggets are for you? I As I'm talking the things that bring me joy, right? A lot of it involves sensory like in the moment. I always joke I'm a hedonist. There's an element to that. I feel like I'm a benign hedonist, but like a really good meal that's beautifully presented on the plate, a really good conversation, because I too, want to go deep. I think I just try to get everybody to go deep, even the person that I meet, like in passing, they may or may not go with me. But a good deep conversation, where you're learning something, you're hearing interesting ideas, you're sharing, there's vulnerability, there's authenticity. That is like, those are my favorite moments, and sometimes they have a they happen with surprising people, going somewhere new and having a new experience, exploring something. I had a baby who came to one of my sessions today, and the baby, and I'm not like the queen of babies, you know, but this baby is so stinking cute. And as I'm trying to be all serious and process the relationship dynamic with the parents, the baby is just smiling at me and flirting with me, and, like, putting her head. And I was so seduced by this baby, I just kept, like, cooing at her, and at the end, she let me hold her. I mean, it was just a moment of pure joy. She smelled like babies. She was so happy. It was amazing, making out with a puppy, right? Like puppy breath, licking your face. You know how a puppy will just like, yes, that is joy. It's like the sound of music, like girls in what dresses with blue sat and Sasha. I mean, that's what we're talking about, right?

Laura Bowman:

Music is the same for me too. Like music in my car in the morning when I'm alone, driving to work, I agree. Nothing better than that. I agree. I love it. I mean, remember

Colette Fehr:

when I rolled into Toastmasters and got made fun of because I was clearing Madonna at 630 I

Laura Bowman:

learned that, you see, this is the difference between you and me, like we were in the car, and you're like, jamming some sort of, like ABA tune or something with, like, a total upbeat and I'm like, total minor key, like, everything is, like some like, Bob Dylan, like folk song, like, I love lyrics and like, moodiness for my

Colette Fehr:

music, yeah, I like some of that. Like, I watched this documentary on yacht rock, on HBO Max. It was so good, great. Yeah, it was so good. And they Kenny Loggins said, like, it's music. The music that really like speaks to you is music that makes you cry or makes you want to dance. Yeah. And I was like, Oh, my God, that's exactly the songs I love best. Either evoke deep emotion or they make me want to dance. I. Will say joy for me is also dancing. I'm not a good dancer, but I love to dance. I feel so alive in those moments

Laura Bowman:

I have to be in talk like, sort of intoxicated, like, it's very hard for me. I don't let that loose. I didn't Joe and I didn't dance at our wedding. Like, I want to be, like, I want to be tucked in a corner, like talking like, it's very hard for me to get to that level of, like, really serious, like playfulness, like I can, it's just, I don't drop into it. It's the German. It's your German German, and me and and to that end, it's like, big environments or like things that are supposed to be fun that most like people going to that Electric Daisy Carnival, oh my god. Like, well, that sounds like hell to me too. Just kill me like I my nervous system can't take it, so most things that are fun for other people tend not to be fun for me.

Colette Fehr:

Well, and it's so interesting. I mean, I don't want to go to that EDC thing either, where everybody's on, like, hardcore drugs and packed in like sardines. I'm claustrophobic. I go to bed at nine o'clock. So I'm arguably not that fun anymore. However, there could be I do not need to be intoxicated. If you put on music that I liked and there were people around, I would, like, Get up and dance with, like, my friend, like sober, even though I'm not a good dancer, those I do feel like I have, and it's a good point. I am very playfully wired. I have serious parts, obviously. I mean, I'm not like, playing through my couples therapy sessions, but I really am, like, wired to be goofy and playful and silly and have fun in those ways, I think, yeah,

Laura Bowman:

and I married somebody like that, so, right? And I married,

Colette Fehr:

and I married a German, right? I mean, American, but like German, Right? Steve. I cannot get Steve to dance. I've never seen Steve dance. I one time heard him singing a little in the shower, and I was like, Holy shit, he's actually like singing. I mean, that's how much he just doesn't let himself go where, I mean, I just sang on air for a second, actually. And I'm the worst boy. I'm the most tone deaf person, but I would like break into song,

Laura Bowman:

but I think what we're saying and I and this could be easy or hard for you, but to the extent to which you can let yourself drop into the dailyness of life, the just the sweet spots of life, the playfulness of life, the more you can do that, the happier you're going to be, no matter what's going on in your life, no matter how much money You're making, no matter what the circumstances are, it's either you're noticing these things or you're blowing past them

Colette Fehr:

exactly. It's kind of like Pollyanna, right? Do you remember that movie? I mean, I don't remember it enough, maybe to make the analogy work, but she wasn't really like a little press. It was like focusing on the small things that make a difference. And I think that was more geared toward kindness, but it really is being present in your life and savoring the thing. I love my coffee too, but half the time here it is cold

and a half drunk from 6:

45am well, that's I know. I know. Well, it's been a very, very, very long, intense day, but you know, am I paying attention always, even to the things that bring me joy, and even as we say this, and I say, you know, puppies and dancing, when's the last time I, like, held a puppy, when's the last time I went dancing? Right? I mean, I haven't, and I think it's up to me and up to all of us to notice what fills us up when life can be so obligation laden, and find ways to like, even if it's a little, even if it's just blaring a song in your car and like, stopping to sing to it, but it's gotta be what what works for You?

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, because we're all different. It's all different. I have a camera, like, on my camera roll, I have a whole album, and it's titled food and beauty. And I've got, like, I don't know how many photos in there, but it's these gorgeous, like, travel photos. There are Enzo meals is in there, like, food that I've cooked. Like, I make a lot of soups, and I bake a lot, a lot of that holiday decor, like, stuff that I just notice and I will, like, soothe in that camera roll. Like, if, like, the day has been long, I pull it up and I just look, and I'm like, no life. Life is really beautiful.

Colette Fehr:

Well, I think that's something to hold on to, that the beauty in the world, it does have an effect on our mental health. I swear. I know it's not exactly unique to love Italy, right? It's like the most beloved place, and I know I'm also biased, because I'm Italian American, but. And I think a big part of what I love about being in Italy is that everything is so beautiful and everything is geared around the sensual pleasures in life, the small daily things. People are chit chatting with each other, and like the you know, the life is designed around the communal space of the square and connection, your espresso is in this perfect, beautiful, dainty little cup. The buildings are beautiful. The food is beautiful. It tastes good. Nothing's processed, artificial or rushed. So are there ways? And there are, there are. This is a rhetorical question. There are ways to slow down and notice and build in what you love into your day. And maybe it's making a folder of pictures. Maybe it's taking five minutes to write down gratitude. You know, this isn't really just about the holidays. It's a way of living.

Laura Bowman:

It's a way of living, for sure, and really noticing the graceful, beautiful, like, just like, I drive my kids to school in the morning and pick him up, and those are our best conversations, yeah, like I'm really, I'm really aware of how time limited that is and how special those moments are, And I'm there for it? Yeah, I'm really there.

Colette Fehr:

Okay, what you're saying, and seeing a little bit of a tear in your eyes as you say that, right? Like, that's, that's the most joyful and like connection with the people you love. This is making me, and I hope all of you who are listening, you know, going into the holidays, where you may be doing activities you don't really want to do or be subject to family dynamics that you feel put upon and that are even emotionally really taxing, that really show up for the people who matter, and when you're there, be there, because none of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. And you know, maybe there's one person at that dreaded Christmas party that you really like, go have a conversation with them and really show up for it. You know, I'm going to take this into my trip in New York, where we're going to be packed into my mother's house as I'm on the air mattress, bitching my head off, hopefully silently in my inner voice. You know, I never get to see my brother. I love my brother. I mean, I love everyone, but like, I want to savor that time. Want to find some way in the midst of the chaos to connect with him. My daughters are adults now. They have busy lives. I don't get to be with them, right? I hope we're not all like killing each other, and we can really drop into, even briefly, the specialness of those moments.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, and realize that it's an option to be in that low level annoyance all the time. But there's another option too, and that's just to remember how time limited some of these dynamics are. And you know, I said to one of my kids today, I said, you know, these are the good old days.

Colette Fehr:

I know fuck. You are gonna look back and be like, Oh, my God,

Laura Bowman:

I wish we could all be in a house together, screaming at each other

Colette Fehr:

totally, right? It's really true, yeah. So you know, one little helpful thing before we wrap up, is I do, like, one thing that helps me interrupt when I'm mired in annoyance, which does happen often, right? I get very easily frustrated by things like bad drivers, which Florida is filled with, and, you know, people being slow, I'm not very patient. If people move slowly, I want to kill them. So something that helps me, when something pushes my buttons and I have a big reaction, is that I think about the 555, rule, like, will this matter to me in five hours? Will this matter to me in five days? Will this matter to me in five months? And you can do it five minutes, five hours, five days, however you want to do it, but it helps bring back that observing ego, the part of your brain that can notice what you're experiencing as you're experiencing it, and we know from a mental health perspective that creates a little distance and a little perspective. It helps you separate from feelings. So it's a great way to go. Okay, I'm so worked up because this guy's in the left lane and he should be letting me pass. Is this gonna matter in even five minutes, actually, no. So why let it affect my head space, and it's just a great way to shift. Yep, no, I love that. Any other parting thoughts that you think would be helpful as a therapist, even like what you tell clients or to shift to really help you notice

Laura Bowman:

that I think it's I'm sympathetic to people who don't live in their right brain almost exclusively the way I do. But I just I I am able to see that the creative, the humor, the like, the. So that I'm I'm pretty able to connect into that. But, you know, maybe we'll make a little list of those qualities that are really like right brain driven, that people can just remind themselves to be here now, to enjoy what's in front of them. Yeah. Just savor it, yeah, and

Colette Fehr:

add it to the show notes. I like that. I think one more good point humor, right? I can't believe we haven't talked about it yet. This is definitely a big way. I think I'm really good and willing and able to laugh at myself, not in a way I'm putting myself down, just to laugh at myself and not take myself so seriously, you know, where I can get whipped up into something, and then I'm like, I'm being kind of ridiculous. And it's funny to me, laughing with other people. I mean, laughter is such good medicine, right? Playfulness, laughter, noticing the small things and real connection with people. I think that's some of the that's, that's it, that's something that's out there. Yeah,

Laura Bowman:

you know, you watch, you watch somebody like, die. I mean, I don't want to be morbid, but, like, if you've lost anybody, you realize what bullshit falls away, yeah, and all that is left is, like, that connectivity and just love. And so reminding yourself that that's what really matters is just the connection and the love and that perspective, yes,

Colette Fehr:

and being true to yourself like Ronnie, where I always quote this and the Top Five Regrets of the Dying. The number one, she was a hospice nurse. The number one regret of the dying is I had wished. I wish I had lived my life like, according to me, the way I wanted to,

Laura Bowman:

yeah, authentic, honest, and yes, all of that.

Colette Fehr:

So this then concludes Season Two from insights from the couch. We're wrapping up for the holidays, and we will be back on Wednesday, January, 8.

Laura Bowman:

We have a big season. What is it three now? Yeah, it'll be season three up like it is. It is all wrapped up. We have

Colette Fehr:

great it's all wrapped up. We have so many great guests and episodes. We're going to be covering all kinds of topics we haven't touched on yet. I can't remember any of them off the top of my head. I wish I did, but I do know they're fabulous. Do you remember anything? I'm so brain dead after sex. My

Laura Bowman:

brain is like a scrambled egg right now. This is not my hour. Catch me in the morning,

Colette Fehr:

but I know it's good me too. Yeah, and we're so grateful for all of you for listening and being here with us and the great feedback we're getting the reviews. Please keep that coming. Subscribe to insights from the couch. Share these episodes with your friends, and please take a minute to leave us a five star review. If you're liking what you hear. It helps us spread the word, and means so much to us. We're very grateful for you.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, and have a great holiday season. Enjoy this time, even if you are slightly annoyed january 15 and

Colette Fehr:

full of joy, all at the same time, and we will see you in the new year. 2025 everyone. Have a wonderful holiday and thanks again. Take care, guys. Bye. You.