Insights from the Couch - Mental Health at Midlife

Ep.37: Yucks, Yums, and Yes Please: Discover What Turns You On With Dr. Juliana Hauser

• Colette Fehr, Laura Bowman • Season 3 • Episode 37

Share episode

In this episode, we’re inviting you into a conversation that might just change the way you think about sexuality, agency, and self-discovery. We’re joined by the incredible Dr. Juliana Hauser, a psychologist, sex educator, and thought leader in holistic sexuality. If you’re wondering what that means, you’re not alone! Dr. Juliana walks us through the nine pillars of holistic sexuality and why understanding ourselves as sexual beings is the "final frontier" of self-development.

We explore everything from sexual agency and desire in midlife to the unspoken barriers that hold us back from fully embracing our sexuality. Plus, we tackle the cultural shame, myths, and misunderstandings that have shaped our sexual identities—and how to break free from them. Whether you're in a long-term relationship and struggling with intimacy, single and rediscovering yourself, or simply curious about what it means to live a more sexually confident life, this episode has value for you. Get ready for an open, honest, and sometimes hilarious conversation that will leave you with a whole new perspective on pleasure, connection, and self-expression.

 

Episode Highlights:

[00:03] - Introducing Dr. Juliana Hauser and what "holistic sexuality" really means.

[01:23] - The nine pillars of holistic sexuality and why they matter in self-discovery.

[06:49] - Why so many of us avoid thinking about our sexual selves—and how to start the journey.

[12:23] - There are no wrong answers! How agency and consent play a role in shaping our sexual identity.

[17:50] - The differences in how men and women experience sexual conversations and why men are "desperate" for safe spaces to talk.

[24:31] - How couples can start talking about their sex lives without fear, shame, or defensiveness.

[27:16] - Midlife sexual awakenings—what happens when someone truly embraces their desires?

[34:31] - The "four quadrant" exercise: a simple yet powerful way to explore your yeses and nos.

[42:38] - Why sex takes work—and how curiosity can completely transform your intimate life.

[51:45] - A fun, hands-on (literally) way to understand your sensuality and personal touch preferences.

[54:46] - How to learn more about Dr. Juliana’s course Revealed and her upcoming book, A New Position on Sex.

 

Resources:

For more on this topic visit our website insightsfromthecouch.org If you have questions please email us at info@insightsfromthecouch.org we would love to hear from you!

If today's discussion resonated with you or sparked curiosity, please rate, follow, and share "Insights from the Couch" with others. Your support helps us reach more people and continue providing valuable insights. Here’s to finding our purposes and living a life full of meaning and joy. Stay tuned for more!

Colette Fehr:

Hi everyone. Welcome back to another great episode of insights from the couch. I am so excited for today, we're going to be talking with Dr Juliana Houser about holistic sexuality. You probably don't even know what that is, but you will and agency, pleasure and desire in midlife, how this phase of life can be the most fulfilling and exciting sexual chapter. Yet she is a psychologist with a PhD in counseling education and a beloved media personality, both on screen and in print. She's a thought leader and a sexpert who dives into the hard to have conversations that society deems taboo. Dr Juliana has spent the past three decades supporting 1000s of people on their path to discovering their own sexual agency, fulfilling sexual connections and pleasure filled lives. Wow, let's dive in. And I thought that we might start out by asking you a little bit about because there's about 10,000 things I want to ask you today. I feel like we could do a day long thing, but about how you define holistic sexuality, what that means to you, because I'm really intrigued by the concept and the way you approach women and men's sexuality, yeah,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

thank you. It is the the short of it is that I think holistic sexuality is is twofold. One is it is that it is a way of looking at finding out who you are. That we've been told sexuality is about the sex acts and who we're having sex with, but I think holistic sexuality means that it is the way to have a deeper understanding of the essence of who we are. So I think it's like the final frontier of self development and and I think it's one of the hardest places to know who you are as a sexual being. So if you're looking at yourself holistically, it means in a holistic sexual way. It means you're using the lens of sexuality to be a place of self discovery and and it's a place that is so hard to figure out that if you focus on looking at yourself in a holistic way, then you are really learning skills that will transition to other parts of of yourself and other ways of learning who you are. So that's, that's the one aspect. It's more like philosophical. And then how I how I truly define holistic sexuality, and like the nuts and bolts of it, is that there's nine pillars of holistic sexuality. So this originally came from someone in 1981 of course, as a dude, and his name was Dr Dennis daily, and he had five circles of sexuality, and it was at the time, it was groundbreaking. It was just a really big thing to just talk about sex being something more than just sex acts. But it was 81 and that was a very long time ago, and it's quite outdated, and it's It shocks me as my careers progress, I kept thinking like, why are we still using this? Why are we and no one redid it? So I find like, well, if no one else is doing it, then I guess I'll do it. And so I started asking questions in about 2004 and asking people. And started off with college women, and then it progressed to to just anyone you could think of, all ages and all genders. I first started with, what are you sexually fulfilled? Did you like who you are as a sexual being or your sexual life? And when people answered yes to any of those questions, I started asking, what does that look like? What is it about that that makes you feel fulfilled, and how do people define it? And I quickly learned no one defines it the same way. And I also started seeing that there are themes to the people who were saying yes to that question, and themes that to the people who were not. And I started putting them into different topics, and some of them overlapped with Dennis's circles of sexualities, and some of them didn't. And then I just progressed it to everybody, and I ended up with these nine pillars. So they are sensuality, they are health and wellness. Their pleasure desire. They are sex acts and interest, intersecting identities, power and trauma, relationships and and then connection. And so those are the nine pillars that are kind of on the outside, the foundational subjects that if you are wanting to look at yourself as a holistic sexual being, that you need to hit all of those areas. And then the hub of it is sexual agency. And this is like the agency is the crux of my work. It's in everything that I do. And I believe that if you are a holistic sexual being, and we have a holistic sexual culture, which we don't have. But if we were to, if we were to have that in my dream world, then agent, agency would be the driving force, which means that we all define who we are as a sexual being on our own terms, and we don't use that definition and understanding as a way to oppress or marginalize anybody. Else, and we look at it all relationally, so who I am defines what I am, informs what I'm doing and with whom, and that's all I am responsible for. And then I have to figure out if I'm doing this with anybody else, that I have my yeses and nos, and who I am next to somebody else's yeses and nos, and that's a lot. I'll stop there.

Laura Bowman:

No. I mean, I've never even thought of it like that. I've

Colette Fehr:

never really thought about it at all. And I'm a COVID. I mean, I talk about sex all the time.

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

Yes, it's true, and I know none of we're not trained. I feel you're probably the same as me that I wasn't given any training about this. I had one class, and most people don't even have one class, too, yeah, and it was very narrow as to what we talked about, yeah. And

Colette Fehr:

safe, focus. Sense? Safe, yes, yes. Exactly the one thing I took away,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

right? Yes, which is great, but, you know, it's what we're all given. We're given the addict. We're giving the addict of who we are as a sexual being, like the sex tips, and we're not given the foundation. And so holistic sexuality is the foundation and and when we when we put sex tips without really knowing what we are underneath all of that, then it usually falls short. It's it is a it's the exception that the sex tip works if you don't understand where you're putting it into and why, and and I've been on a mission for so long to try to change our education as therapist, because it's inescapable, because it's sex and aren't who we are as a sexual being is who we are. How can we not be trained in this as therapists, if we're working with people and their relationships or self development, but as a different soapbox too? Can

Colette Fehr:

I ask you a question? I want to make sure I'm understanding this right? I find this so exciting, so although potentially daunting, and I want to ask you about that too. Like what it looks like to start on this journey. But I love how you said the final frontier of self development is knowing who you are as a sexual being, something that if we're two therapists working on this all the time, and we haven't thought about it, probably a lot of people haven't thought about it, yes, and so is it then that as you know, yourself through these nine pillars, and you start to examine these pillars and get curious and ask yourself, Okay, what who am I? How do I show up here? You know, what brings me pleasure, what is sensual to me, all of those kinds of questions. Is it just an exploration? And then you you think about it, and you try things potentially, and you embolden yourself to have more agency and assertiveness and going after what you want. Like, I'm imagining, you know, some version of like Under the Tuscan Sun, but you go there to like, learn who you are as a sexual being, instead of restore a villa,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

right? It's a it's a yes and but I would say it's all of that. I think the I mean, the first part of it is actually just hearing that concept and thinking, maybe, like, especially like, if you have the reaction that you all have, which is like, Oh, I've never thought of it that way, that's, that's the first thing whenever I hear that, I'm like, Oh, great, good, good, good. Like, that's not the bad news. It's the good news. Because no one has no no one's been exposed to that. And if I can, if I can change my relationship with what sex is, then anyone can. And that also feels like the good news too. I feel like a very unlikely person to have gone into this subject matter. I started off as a kindergarten teacher. My arc of my career is so different. And not saying that kindergarten teachers aren't sexual, if they are all of those things, but I'm just like that wasn't that wasn't like, I didn't wake up as this being my mission. It came to me and I realized, again, like, if, if this, if I'm thinking like this, if I'm curious if this is, if this is a struggle for me, then it has to be for so many other people, too. So the first part is like, okay, there's a possibility of this being something different than if you get exposed to, like, the nine pillars of holistic sexuality, the way that I describe it, then it is like, I almost, I think marketing wise, it doesn't work, but I think philosophically it does that I really look at it as a sexual audit, that you are looking at a 360 view of of yourself. And I just think the word audit just makes us all cringe for taxi. But yes, it feels like a lot of bad things. So I don't use that word outwardly, but I do think that's really what it is. We're just reflecting on who we are. And I do think that you have to do it. Both, you have to do an intellectual journey, which includes like, you know, an emotional aspect to it, and then you need to do like, the actual, like, physically. Figuring that stuff out. And for some it starts physically, you're exploring it, and others, it starts intellectualizing. You do it in an intellectual way. It can be either order, and because you go back and forth. So you are thinking through it, you're feeling through it, and you're physically figuring it out along the way too. And it keeps informing itself, which is the beautiful aspect of it, the more you learn, the more you have more questions, the more you have more questions, the more you have more answers, and you get to explore more and so it's not a one time thing. It's not just one class. It's not just one Italian villa. It really is something that you carry alongside of you. When I work, I work with people from I have, I have talked to kids, seventh and eighth graders that haven't done any younger than that in this work. And I've gone up to people in their 80s. And I've never had, I've never left a discussion without at least one person saying, Gosh, I wish I had this earlier in my life. And so it really is something that should, we should be doing throughout this and I think that like asking yourself these questions is is really brave, because a lot of times we don't have the answers, or at least not at first, and it can feel really scary to not know. To sit there and think I don't, I don't know. I've never been asked it. I never, I never thought about it, because that leads you down the road oftentimes too, like I'm doing this wrong, and so much of our sexual culture is a right or wrong.

Laura Bowman:

That's exactly what I thought when you started. I was like, you know, I'm assuming that there are no wrong answers to any of these questions, correct, right? But, but the first thought I had when you started talking about these, like sexual pillars, is I was thinking, Man, there are just some people that are, like, really sexual and like, it's like any anything like athleticism or art being artistic. There are some people who are just feel like an affinity with their sexuality and where other people, I think, feel really cut off, but I but I think that what you're saying is, it doesn't matter how you enter this framework, but, like, none of the answers are wrong, even if the answer is, like, I really don't want to be touched, right? Like, that's its own legitimate piece of information, right? Yeah,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

it's, it is a legitimate way of being a sexual person too. Is just we have to give ourselves permission in order to have our answer that's authentically true to us, have validity to it. We have to, we have to give it to ourselves first. Yeah. And in order to do that and to experience it, we have to have asked it first and be asked and have it can be done individually. It can be done privately, because I have a course that brings people through it. I also do it in groups, and it is each each way to experience the questions and the pillars is really interesting and valuable. When people do it around others, though, whether it's just with me or with I have other people that facilitate it, it's so it's so powerful to hear other people, and it's like when I do it in a group and everyone's in, all it takes is one person to start risk taking, and to say, and I'll go, I'll go first. I'll say the hardest, most embarrassing thing first. And and then, like,

Colette Fehr:

what can you give us an example of something you might say to get the conversation going? Yeah.

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

So one of the things I remember the first time that I said out loud, we're talking about self pleasure. So masturbation, I don't call it masturbation. I use the word self pleasure, and and I said, you know, I didn't realize that when I was hanging from a door, when I was this young girl, that that was a form of self pleasure. And the first time I said it, I remember feeling awkward about it, but then like, oh, hell. I mean, everyone else will do it. And then there was

Laura Bowman:

silence. I was like, Oh no, she stands low. No, nobody else

Unknown:

did that. And,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

like, I just thought everybody did that. And, and, and then I had someone else go, oh, well, I like, I humped my my stuffed animal. I was like, Oh, that's awesome. Really. Like, which one and, and then someone's like, Oh, is that what I was doing in gym class, on the rope, and everyone started sharing it, and, and it's, it felt really long between me thinking, Oh, this is just my story, to silence, to acceptance, to humor, to, you know, all of that, and, And, and there's so many examples of where we we have no idea how else anyone else else is experiencing it, or what they were doing, and we don't know the other possibilities, but we typically feel like we're getting it wrong. So if you say it first and own it, and that's what I try to do, too, it's like, yeah, this is just my story. This is just how I go about. It, and I try to own the awkwardness or the fear or the emotion that's attached to it, that usually it helps other people to share their stories too, and also just saying, this is just mine. This is my experience. This is this is where. This is my Yes, this is my No, this is what I've learned from it. I think makes a really big difference. We just don't have lots of space to share sexual stories and sexual experiences that we feel safe,

Laura Bowman:

right? And there's so much shame, right? Like, there's shame in their stuff and embarrassment, and it's like a lot of women feel like they just like, sort of tuck it into the margins of their story, like they don't want to really, I mean, is that your experience that people, I mean, I guess you're giving, like, this beautiful permission slip to sort of walk into it. But in general, do you find that a lot of women are just like, I don't I'm good.

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

Well, there's, there's a self selection of who talks to me. Of course, there's some of that too. So people, either like, when I go to events, people are drawn to talk to me, and they want to share all the things, ask all the questions, or they're like, oh my god, I can't even make eye contact with you. You're gonna, you're, you're the person that talks about sex, or you're gonna ask me about sex. And so, so I do have a variety, but I do what, actually, what I've really found is that when people understand that I genuinely care, and I'm really interested in what someone has to say about anything, but particularly about their sexual life, that there is a hunger to be listened to, to get it off your chest, to share, to normalize it, the good and the bad parts of it. And I would say that if I'm going to be speaking specific with genders, I would say women are hungry to be asked and to have a space for it, and men are desperate.

Colette Fehr:

Oh, can you say more about that? Yeah, yeah, that

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

we just in general, we don't have a healthy sexual culture, but, but women in general have done a better job of creating spaces to practice being vulnerable, practice normalizing and knowing what to say to each other. And in general, male identified folks do not so if you already don't have the skill set, you don't have the relationship set up to talk about anything vulnerably or to share and risk take. Then you add the tabooness and the awkwardness and the hard part of sexuality onto it, then, in general, males have even less access to safety and talking about their sexual stories or questions, and have the same desire to be normalized, to share, to understand and to have it be better. And so when I'm able to give that space, and when men are able to give it to themselves, too, I find it just flows, flows, but flows, it flows out.

Colette Fehr:

Everyone's hungry for this. So this brings a question to mind. I'm thinking about couples I work with, and even conversations I've had with friends, but I'm thinking about middle age, a middle aged woman, let's say, in a marriage. Maybe she's been married a long time to somebody she met in college. Let's just say a heterosexual marriage for the case of a case study, and she's not into the sex life at all, and it's a constant source of, you know, desire discrepancy. Her husband wants more sex, but he's kind of given up asking because he feels rejected often. Maybe they have sex a couple times a month, and she's sort of just shut down, and just shut down this part of herself because she's not into it. In the marriage, she doesn't know what she desires. She's never explored it. How does somebody like that? You know you can do it on your own, but if you're in a long term marriage and there's all this emotional stuff, resentment and avoidance and disconnection built up around it, how does somebody like that start to explore the sexual possibilities of you know, who she might even be attracted to, or that there might be things out there she's never explored? And how do you get into a conversation with your partner about that?

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

That's such a beautiful scenario set up that it feels like, like a Tuesday for me, like I hear like that is, that's just this. I hear that all the time. It is such a typical dynamic, which, since we're all, like, nodding our heads and like, we hear this dynamic all the time, why haven't we figured out a way, an easier lift? Why is why is this something that's still a consistent, chronic problem for us all. And I don't you know that that answer is a long answer, and it is, you know, so many parts to it, but where I begin is I honestly like just to bring lightness to it, which is, it is amazing that and. Anybody is having any kind of great sex at all,

Unknown:

because they're saying that it's just it's the

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

bodily functions, the all the lifts that we have, the hurdles we have to go through, and so the fact that we have this setup, that it should be happening all the time, and should always feel great and wonderful and be easy and flowing and sexual and fabulous and movie stars kind of sex is, is, is just ridiculous and and then I like to talk to like, again, bringing some lightness to it. Is just sex is so weird. It's, it's, it's noisy, it's, it's, there's liquid, so there are, you know, positions and all the kinds of things that are just so ridiculous.

Unknown:

Yeah, all

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

of it's just ridiculous. So you add all the hard stuff, and then just the weirdness of it all, and it's like, and this is what we want, but, and somehow, sometimes it magically will be awesome and beautiful and pleasure filled and all those kinds of things. It can feel like we're just always like, hoping for the you know, the best of it. So I think when you can bring the curiosity and lightness and humor to something that feels pretty serious and hard and and very far from from where you are, from where you want to be. It changes the tone of it, and that can take a while to get to that place, because there, there often is by the time they come to us this it has been happening for a while. It's rare. I wish it wasn't rare, but we all know it's rare. People wait way too long to go into therapy to get support. And so we gotta, we gotta just change the tone of it and instill hope. Sometimes I think, and I love you all agree that the biggest thing I do is give people hope, if I can give insight on top of that hope. But it can take a while to infuse hope into it. So after we go through that aspect of things, like in the in the in the the crux of it, I think you have to understand how, how couples negotiate any kind of difference, and that doesn't change when you're talking about sex. So I like talking about negotiation skills. Like, what is communication inside of that? What is the power differential in it? Where is the history in it, and where is the place that a couple can compromise for the relationship, but not have it be a compromise of the soul, and there's gonna be nuance to those differences, and then opening up for curiosity that I really wanna teach people the skill of being okay in ambiguity, so that there isn't this panic to have to have the quick fix, because it's not, and it will be something that I say to couples, especially if I hear a history like what you described, which is, we have a long haul ahead of us, and that's not bad news. We're not going to fix this in two sessions. We have a lot to sift through and a lot that I need to learn in order to infuse myself into this and and so let's relax and let's get very curious and and find all of the no's to be really good news that's giving us information instead of like, all the things that haven't worked are not failures, to me, they're just data points. And let's start looking at the expansion of that. And that's again, where hope comes in, which is like, Oh, we've got so many things we can think through, so many things that we can try. Yeah, that ability to try without knowing if it's going to work is such a skill that couples are not taught in general, and it's what helps you know, like when you can do that, then it's easier to not give up, because we have so many other things at our disposal. But if we're talking specifically about sex and how I get at that, then, then I think it's really important to know that what worked for you then is most likely not going to work for you now, and that we live in an era that there is so much information at our disposal, I like to really say, Who cares what your Google search looks like? I I want you not to worry about who is watching any of that or who's going to see it if you you know you die unexpectedly and have to erase your history. Like, like, we are lucky that we can Google a lot of things, and we are lucky that we can watch things and that we can explore what interests us and make that be to your advantage, right?

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, right. So it's really this idea of just starting to get curious together, lightening it relax. I like that word relax, because you're right. There's so much for so many people, not everybody, but for so many of us, along with the shame, the embarrassment, the disconnection, the fear, maybe even of what's in me that I don't know about, that I've been taught is shameful, that I don't want to discover, so many layers put on us by society. Society that that we have to sort of tell ourselves first, let's just take a deep breath and, like, relax into this and and open up a little. It's okay. Whatever it is is okay. We don't have to figure it all out right away. This says nobody's coming. The police aren't coming to the door. Yes, I google some thing that I've wondered about, but I've never been courageous enough to admit or explore, right? And that's that's hard, but it's so freeing, because how can we know ourselves if this part of us is locked away? Yes,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

you're right, and if we think it has to always be how it always has been, and let letting ourselves, because we we want to expand in so many at this time in our life, or in that time in a relationship, there's so many we we do know so much more about ourselves and and this is often a place where we've let it be the last thing that we do. So there's there's so much. And if you can believe that if you again, if you know who you are as a sexual being, that it infuses to all areas of your life, that it's worthy to spend the time here, that like, I just think, when people understand that sexuality isn't a luxury, it's a necessity, it changes the conversation about how we're going to change who we are as sexual beings, and Learn and learn who we are, and if you're partnered to then learn who you are next to them, learning how they are and who and how that fits together, or doesn't fit together easily.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah. So, so tell us a story about a like, maybe a woman at midlife, or that has one of these, like, sort of sexual renaissances with herself. And I'm also wondering, because I work with some people who have like, relationship or sexual OCD, where they like worry that they're going to find out that they're gay, right? Yeah, because, you know, and this is real for people in midlife, it's like they don't want to explore their sexuality because they do not want to get information that is gonna, like, shake their foundational world, you know. So I'm just wondering, what are some of the best case scenarios where you've seen people really like, come alive after a period of being dormant with their sexuality? That

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

is so great. I love it. Love that question. Sometimes the answer I'll get specific, but sometimes the answer is, people start saying no more often, and because I do think sometimes we expect the stories, or the success stories to be what what I'm about to share, because I know sometimes that's more interesting than hearing the stories of No but, but I want to begin with sometimes the most sexually free person and the biggest transformation is there's when someone starts saying no to the things they don't want to be doing inside of sexual connection, and when you know what that feels like to show up for yourself and to say to yourself first, I really, this really is a no. I don't want this anymore. This doesn't feel good. I don't like this, and I don't have to say that in an apologetic way. I don't have to be an asshole about it, but I don't have to be like, I'm so sorry. I don't want this. It's like, I don't, I don't. This isn't, this isn't a yes anymore, and I would like us to try this instead. Or it's, it's, it's a no for me or a no for me right now. And and the world doesn't fall apart because you've said no to something when you when you experience that, it is, is transformative, and it frees you up, because you really you cannot accept somebody's yes if you don't understand their nose, and that starts with you and you, and it's in reverse too. You can't really embrace your nose if you don't understand your yeses. You have to know both as an aspect of it. So that's, that's, that's my biggest success story is when people learn how to say no authentically and and live through it. But I'll give a couple examples, or I'll start with one and see what you think. I'm thinking, particularly if someone who's given me permission to share this, if it ever was, was relevant publicly that she was divorced and had been really through a pretty tumultuous relationship and divorce and wasn't able to see a sexual life as a single woman in her in her mid life, as we were going through her sexual history, she felt a lot of shame that it took a while. In her view, there's no right time frame. But in her view, she was thinking that it took too long to have sex. It took too long, you know, there weren't a lot of options for her, and she was convinced that was going to be the case now that she was 20 years older and was afraid to step into her body had changed if she'd heard all these horror stories of dating apps and didn't even know how to do the technology of it. So once we got through the fears of things, and that took a while for us to get through, we started this exercise that I. I love, I didn't come up with it. And actually, it's, it's so out there. I don't know who, who did come up with it, to give them credit, but it's a diagram. I call it the four quadrant exercise. And we just started there. You have a list of, like, just exhaustive list of sex acts and and there's a quadrant that you put them in. And to me, it's one of the it's such an exciting place to start an agency, because it requires you. The way that I teach people to do it is you have to have a yes or no. You are not allowed to do a maybe. And there's no like maybe category. It's you have sex acts that you've tried that you think you want to try again, that's a yes for you, sex acts that you have tried that are a no for you, or you think they are right now, sex acts that you've never tried, but sound pretty good. Do you think you want to try it? And sex acts that you've never tried? They're like, Yeah, it feels like pretty much a no go for me. So those are the four categories.

Colette Fehr:

Okay, wait, wait, wait, I just have to say something here. First of all, I love it, but I'm thinking I might be the most sheltered person alive. I'm like, do I just not know that many sex acts I'm like, Are there 10,000 things that, because I can feel, I feel like I could think of like six sex acts?

Unknown:

Well, wait your creative COVID, I

Colette Fehr:

guess I mean maybe more than six. But as you're saying this, I'm going wait a minute. What are these like sex acts that are filling this massive

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

Well, that's why I did the list for you. Oh, yeah, I have, I have a long list that I give and you can, and you can Google it. You can do, like, list of sex acts. Oh, we

Laura Bowman:

have to, like, post that. Yes,

Unknown:

show notes, yes, yes,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

yeah. And I had, the diagram. I have a diagram that you don't do. Yeah, yeah. For sure. We will just remind me. Okay, and so it's everything from like holding hands is on the list that is a sex act to, and you can do your own list also. But I say to people, it should start with something like holding hands and end with something that you have to look up the definition to because you've never heard of what it is like. That is the range of things. Because I want you to be able to look at things and and and on the spot in I always say it's in sand, not in cement. So it's just how you're feeling today that it's a yes or a no, a Yucca or a Yum, because I want you building your own trust in your body telling you yes, yucca, yum, yucca, yum, just instantly. Can you

Colette Fehr:

give us like one that's I love, the holding hands, maybe I know more

Laura Bowman:

that we wouldn't.

Unknown:

Well,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

and I don't judge because I don't want to yuck somebody's yum. So yes, like, so example would be like fisting. So for somebody that that would be an incredible yum to somebody, and someone else may have no idea what fisting means. Okay, so

Colette Fehr:

just to clarify, putting your fist up someone's vagina or anus,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

yes, can you actually? Can that happen to some people? Yeah, for some people,

Colette Fehr:

get a fist and an anus.

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

You can, and you can, wow too,

Colette Fehr:

like a yum. For a lot of people, is that a common Yum, or is that like a fetish? Or I

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

think, well, I don't ever really trust sexual research, because I don't think people are honest, a lot of safety with it. So there's a lot, I think that there are, I think, I think porn site statistics are probably the most honest of people's interests. There's a difference of being interested in someone else doing it and looking at watching arouse than having doing it yourself. And there's a difference of, like, fantasizing about it, just in the fantasy arousal versus fantasizing. I want to do it, yeah. So I think that you know, something like a sex act like fisting, it may fall into different kinds of categories, right?

Unknown:

Yeah,

Colette Fehr:

to see observation, witnessing and being aroused that way, versus actually. So already on my soon to be quadrant, I have one young which is hand holding, and one, yeah, just for me, no question for this girl, but very interesting, and I can't wait to hear all the others, yes, yeah. Learn a lot.

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

It's so wonderful when you get when, when, especially if, this may be one of the first times you've ever proactively made a decision if something's a yes or a no to you, because a lot of times, like, when I've been collecting people's sexual stories, a lot of times there are parts of their stories that they they didn't have a proactive, intentional and purposeful yes or no that either just happened to them. And I'm not necessarily saying an insult, but just a lot, there's a lot of. Stories that I, that I hear along the way, of like, before I knew it, we were doing this or, or they just, it, just transitioned into something else, and there wasn't consent. And again, I'm not talking about assault, but just even, like, Oh, I didn't. I never even thought to ask if I wanted to do it. Or I never said, Wait, let me. Let me. What are we doing now, like, is this a yes for me? And then sometimes we don't know if it's a yes or no until we've tried it, right? And then even other times, it was a no, in that situation, in that context, in those details, at that time of my life. But maybe I don't know, maybe it's a yes. Now so Colette baby, maybe in 10 years we come back and fisting is like it's a, maybe, probably not, probably not. So that is a on an extreme, but again, never, not, never wanting to somebody's young

Unknown:

because they're maybe judgment. Right? No judgment on

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

any of that. But it's just the skill of it that's the most important. It is not as important as to where you're putting the quadrants out as but as to how you relate to the list, how you how you negotiate with yourself. Where are you putting everything and all the judgments and all the things that go along inside of it. And then if you decide to share that with somebody else, I love walking couples through this, this exercise of creating safety first, because all it takes is Colette you saying, like, I think I'm interested in fisting. And Laura's like, what? And it's like, oh no, never mind. Did I say fisting? I meant, you know, whatever it is or or whatever it is. And imagine if you are negotiating that with a partner, and you are, you have, you've done all this work to check in with your yums and yucks, and you have gotten yourself in this, in this safe place, and you are risk taking, and you're sharing that. I think I want to try this, or I think I don't want to try this anymore, then imagine if a tone or if a face or whatever shuts you down, it can truly have catastrophic and huge ripple effects alongside of it. So I love teaching couples to know how to create a safe space for each other and to have those kind of rules and negotiations before you ever step into any kind of risk sharing in this. But it's really powerful and and then once you have it, it's so interesting, when I'm doing it with couples too, that the I've had countless couples look at each other and like, you've been wanting to do this this whole time. And I did too, and we could have been doing that for years, like, what or, or, that's changed. That was a no for you the last time I asked. But now Now you're thinking yes, or I haven't wanted to do that either, and I just did it because I thought you wanted to do it, because we always do it, and we let's just, let's just don't do it anymore. And they're both relieved like that. It's, it's amazing to me, although I'm not surprised because of our sexual culture, how, how few of times couples really ask the questions that need to be asked of each other and and when they have the freedom and then learn to practice it, and they can do it in a safe environment, how then it starts making other questions so much easier to ask that aren't even in a sexual context, right?

Laura Bowman:

You know, it's so funny as you're talking about it, I'm thinking that, like, there's this layer that I think exists for a lot of women. I'll, I'll own it. I think it's existed for me too, which is that women's sexuality comes up around performing for men, you know, like, what? Do you want from me? And that it's even as you're talking about checking in with yucks and yums. I'm thinking, like, it might be really hard for me to say I don't want something that I think my partner really wants, like, just to step into my own genuine like, what is good for me? Like, I wonder if do you have to get through that layer with some women, a lot of like, just Yeah, being okay with it, being a no and disappointing a partner, yeah, or not performing for a partner. I don't know that. Just

Colette Fehr:

like, it could make the relationship more insecure. Yeah, a lot of people feel that. There are people, even if they don't feel like they have to perform, they're afraid not to deliver certain sexual expectations that you know it could really jeopardize the bond and that somebody might want to look elsewhere or not be satisfied with you. Yes.

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

Oh, it happens a lot. And I because I do think part of really owning your sexual agency has a grieving aspect to it, that if you are going to activate agency, it means you're going to have some no's. And if you're within a relationship, it invariably is going to be there's going to be differences of what are yeses and nos to people and so how do you negotiate that? Goes back to that question. Like, what's a compromise for the relationship, and what's a compromise of your soul, and when, when it's a compromise for the relationship, then there's negotiation and, and there's you can you have some have parts to work with when it's a compromise of your soul, that the No is the No, and, and you have to learn how to accept a no that isn't really awful to the relationship, and you have to learn how to give that no, because giving a yes that isn't authentically yes as is as damaging to yourself and the relationship as it is giving what you are afraid an actual no is. And when that happens, and it does happen, in fact, I look for that to happen so I can help couples negotiate. That is that. So I'll give an example. Yeah, somebody wants to have a threesome, and they want it. They want to know what that's like, and the other person is like, no, that's that's just, they've done all the search, and it just is a compromise of their soul. They do not want to do it, and so it's not going to happen in this relationship. What are you going to do with that? And so you start asking questions of like, so what about that? Is, what makes it a yes for you? So you don't shame them for wanting it. And we look at, okay, is there anything else that would fulfill that? So let's say it's, it's the novelty of it, or it's the excitement of it that's what is, what they think is arousing and interesting to them. What are other things that are yeses that could feel exciting or that could feel taboo, that would meet that need? It wouldn't be that specific thing, but it could meet the more emotional or attractive aspect of it. It's not the same thing, but it's not necessarily worse or lesser than and when you can start looking at some of the whys, without their without fear of judgment, then it opens up the possibility of it not feeling like this huge loss and and disappointment or lack of performance. It's a shift of this. I can't do this, but I can do that, and sometimes it is the actual disappointment. Well, I just really wanted to try that. I really and that's just sucks, that if I stay with you and I stay loyal to our what we've decided is right for our relationship, then I won't ever get to experience that. And that for some people, is a very big deal for others where it isn't and it's like, Well, okay, but I still want to try something else. Then it's something that strengthens the relationship, rather than hurts it. And so many people are so afraid it's going to be catastrophic, then they never go there. And that avoidance is what ends up ruining things. And being Yes,

Colette Fehr:

ruins everything. Yeah. So do you find? Well, two things I'm thinking. One, is it true that most people in real life have to work at their sex life if they want it to really be good? Yes, because we're all so different, right? We're also different,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

and we change in our what is true for us this morning could be different tonight, and what happens emotionally and physically and spiritually, so much informs and influences our sexual life that it that we have to keep up with it and and yes, again, it's a, it's a, it's a big, fluid, changing thing, which is, again, why I think It's not a luxury. It's a necessity to be prioritizing it, because it's always changing, and it's also always in our face. It is impossible to not see a movie, advertising, a news thing, the politics, it is everywhere and and so if we're if we're avoiding facing it, then we're actually causing a lot of problems. And if we, if we can do a 360 on it and see it holistically, then we get to incorporate it and have a lot more choice and health to aid us. Wow.

Laura Bowman:

And I'm wondering, like, Is there, like, with these nine pillars, is it always different, like, the doors that people need to walk through, like the pain points, or is there, like an easy beginning place to to start accessing with these pillars? Yeah?

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

Oh, I love Yeah. I love that. So I put all, I mean, I've been working on these for since 2004 so I have been in this where I think about it all the time. And so I have an order that I when I do it through my course, that I put people through, and I've changed it through the years, and in the past, probably like seven, eight years, I know I have the order right for it, because I've done it with so many people. And so the first place that we always start is sensuality. And sensuality was something that I kind of go back to something that you were saying earlier, Laura, about, like there's just some people who seem to be more sexual than than other people. I thought that personally was the case with sensuality. I would have never described myself as a sensual person back in the day, and I. Had, I had a viewpoint, a stereotype, of what a sensual woman was, and she lived in Bali, and she had flowy skirts and and wore a certain outfit, and she talked a certain way. And I don't say that disrespectfully. I just like that was that sensual? That is not me. I can be sexual, but not sensual, or whatever that, whatever that was, I could perform sensually and mimic what I thought something was, but it was never true and authentic to me and And admittedly, I felt bad about myself for that. I thought I'm a lesser sexual person because I'm not sensual in that way. And when I started exploring and researching and learning and asking people, it's like, no, that's not, that's not accurate at all. We're all sensual beings, and we all all are sent have a sensuality to us. We just have to find our own brand of that. We all have different access to the five senses, and we don't have we all don't have access to all five of them or the same level of it, but we all have access to some of them. And so the first thing that we do, so that's why I start there, is that sensuality is not benign. I used to say sensuality was easy. I've learned not to say that at all, because it isn't not any of them are easy, but we all can do it. So we'll start with touch. And I walk through the five senses and make it applicable, inclusive to everybody, and touch is one of them. So I had these four types of touches that come from tantric practice. And I asked people to do a yucker or young to it. I love doing it in an audience when I'm speaking. So I'll do like, like, here's water. I'll everyone do water. And I just, I want you to shout

Colette Fehr:

out, yucca. Yum. What just like doing water, yeah, it's a

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

light it's a light touch, and you just have movement to like, so it's like a light touch that way. So that's water, yeah. And then like, well, I'll do the exhibit. So this is ground, so the ground has like, a firmer touch to it. And so I was like, yucker, yum. And people were like, yuck or yum. And after you do the first time, especially if you do it around somebody else, and you have a different answer than somebody else to it. Like, for me, I love ground. Air is this? Air is like, a really, really light touch I do not like. Or when I first started doing this, I was like, oh, yuck, on air. Like, that's just gonna make me, like, SWAT you away. But like, do

Colette Fehr:

you do you actually touch with air? Or it's like, just almost, yeah, it

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

there's it's almost, like, if you were to close your eyes, you could feel the heat or the presence of it, and every once while it goes up against it. Yeah, I don't like it either.

Colette Fehr:

Look at your faces, yeah. What about? What about? I have a question, though. Okay, so this one makes my skin like, itch a little. I like the ground, yum to the ground. Is there one that's like being touched, like the way you would pet a dog? So that

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

would probably be a little bit more of air to it, but it also could be fire, so that's the fourth one. So fire has more of an unexpectedness to it. You can that's like breaking or like pinching or slapping, but it could be like a petting, like that, or that can be considered grounding. It just kind of depends,

Colette Fehr:

okay, because I like that. I like to be a pet like I'm a dog. Love it,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

yes, see, I love it. We're going to support you, Colette, and knowing that you're either you have a young man,

Colette Fehr:

just treat me like it's older and retriever, yes.

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

And see, I find that so exciting. I love it when somebody finds their yucks and yums and and when you're doing this. So I get like, when I'm doing this in a group, and I'll ask everyone hits their hands up. I mean, seven yuck hits and yums after we do the first one, I'm like, All right, what did that feel like to own it? What did it feel like to hear someone else being doing it differently. Let's talk through that difference. What are you? Are you embarrassed? Are you telling yourself you're doing something wrong, especially when the majority of the room is a Yum, and a couple people are like, yeah, and they're like, Oh, really. And I talked about

Colette Fehr:

this example, what if you're the only young Oh,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

exactly. And you're like, oh, freak. Or you start telling you all these words to yourself, and then the next time you're quieter, or you don't answer, or you wait until you hear everyone else's it's just such an example of how we are. Are given this right or wrongness to who we are, and we don't get permission to do this. So I get so I remember the six times that we were I was doing air with somebody, and this woman was like, it was like, an I don't like air. And this woman was like, really, because that's my number one, and I want to be like, what? And I know not to to ever act on that or say that out loud. So I was like, Ooh, tell me more. And the way she described it, I was like, Okay, I mean, that's not bad, and it was fascinating to me. One, that we're we can be so different, and two, that I loved, that I listening to her reasoning her Why, that it was a yes for her, made me interested in it, and made me curious about it. And that is, that's. What you're wanting for yourself. It is still a still. Could be like a do, and frankly, do. Don't give me air on my back. Don't do it. But I like it on my head and and I discovered that. So when you take touch you you start here. That's how I like to start people. Then you put it to other areas. You do the four touches on your head, on your feet, on your genitals, on your back. You try all different places, and you do it to yourself. Then you do if you have a partner, you do it with a partner. I love, I love doing it with platonic relationships. First. I think it's fascinating to do that kind and it's a bit of a sense therapy. But doing

Laura Bowman:

you, I'm gonna air inspire you. I might want you.

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

This is a yuck for me. Respect my yuck

Laura Bowman:

German. My last

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

name is Hauser. I'm German too, I guess so. So again, like I would imagine if I was to have stopped time and said to you, what did you think of sensuality? And that there's just so much to it that you may be surprised as to already, you can tell how far we can go, and that just gave you just a little bit of what starts, and that's just a little bit of sensuality. And we just did one of the senses, and look how much we learned about each other, about how do we negotiate and talk and and look at our differences, our similarities. Imagine if one part of one of the nine, nine pillars, imagine, by the time you get through all of it, you there is, there is no stone unturned, about about who you are as again, so that it goes back to you just know who you are in them. It's

Colette Fehr:

fascinating because I would describe myself as a sensual person, and I would describe myself as a sensual person, maybe even more than sexual. And yes, I would say that. And then that's not even something I thought of. What we just did as as sensual. So it's so interesting that that's something I identify and still that one little bit of that one pillar that I already identified with was something totally new and made me think and stretch. Yes,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

yes, yes. Love it, yeah. Oh my gosh. So

Colette Fehr:

you have to also make sure you tell us and our listeners, how can people take your course? Because this sounds fabulous. Oh,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

great. Thank you. And I really want, like, really, what my passion is, is to change the conversation about sexuality in this way. So even just listening to this podcast or having you all feel excited and interested in this endeavor. It feels like that's the value add of this, because the ripple effects of that is enormous. And thank you for being practitioners who are in this space. I mean, you know, we're in the trenches together and and, and we have our own lives that we're trying to live on top of helping other people with their lives. So I first want to say that that to you all coming out, and then next IT people can take revealed. That's the course about that this that I'm speaking about in several different ways. I have a digital aspect that is on my website, and then then the revealed Life website. There's videos, and then there's the manual that you go through the holistic sexuality. And then I have people who are facilitators of it. So it's revealed. The course is in eight countries, and it's spoken in five languages at this point. And so you can take it individually with facilitators and myself. You can do it in a group with the facilitators or with myself, and then you can become a facilitator as well and bring it. And I don't require that. You have to be a therapist. I actually have, I have different criteria that I sift through in order to become a facilitator, because I think it should be accessible. And I have everyone from nurses to sex workers to real estate agents to accountants that actually facilitate reveal, because I do think none of us are educated, and it's there. And the way that I have set up revealed is it is built to be in agency, so it, even if you're doing it in a group, it is individually led and collectively experienced. So the facilitators are facilitating it. They're not that your expert. They are helping you find your own expertise. It used to be called, be your own sex bird. I used to call it that changed it too. I love

Colette Fehr:

reveal. So tell our listeners your website, and we'll have it in the show notes, of course, but I want people to be able to look it up right now while they're hearing you.

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

Great. Yeah. So it's Dr dash Juliana with one n.com is my website, and then on all social medias. Dr, Juliana Houser,

Colette Fehr:

oh my gosh, this and then you have another book coming out. We're. Me, yes,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

I'm so excited. Yes, taken so long. But the book is called a new position on sex, a guide to greater sexual confidence, authenticity and pleasure, and it's coming out fall 2025 I'm so thrilled about it. We're doing the book launch strategy now and planning all the events, and I'm so excited to bring it out into the world. And we'll be launching my graphic that's related to the the nine pillars of sexuality to replace the circles of sexuality. And

Colette Fehr:

in the book, this will be in the book. Then some of what we talked about,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

all of what we talked about, yeah, pillars, yeah. And then for those who are therapists that are listening, I also have a course and and workshops that are geared towards helping therapists learn what you need to learn, first about yourself, and then about how to be a holistic sexual practitioner, because I know this is just so hard for it to be available, and we don't have a lot of time anyway to be learning new things on top of it. But since we have to do our licensure credits, I got that and have made it so that you can take these courses. You can even take revealed and it counts towards your your licensure credits, and then do

Laura Bowman:

it. Laura, definitely gonna do it. We're gonna do it. Great, awesome.

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

It's wonderful. Thank you. Thank you all so much for not being afraid of this topic as well to talk about personally and professionally. It's often left out of the wellness conversations. It is left out of our licensure, it's left out of our education. It's left out of the conversations. And I get it, it's it is something that is still a bit taboo. So thank you for being brave enough to bring it on to your pocket.

Colette Fehr:

Thank you. Thank you for your work. Yeah, it makes me feel so hopeful for us as women at midlife, for all our listeners, whether you're at midlife or any other stage, just that this doesn't maybe have to be so scary or difficult, but rather, this is about freedom and self connection and possibility and feeling more alive and having a better relationship with yourself, whatever that looks like. And I just think that's a beautiful thing. So this was amazing.

Laura Bowman:

Yes, thanks so much for coming on. And maybe you'll come

Colette Fehr:

back when your book comes out, too, and we can have you on again. Go

Laura Bowman:

in a deeper dive into the pillars. So maybe Laura

Colette Fehr:

and I will have taken revealed by that, and we'll be ready to ask you even harder stuff than fisting. I feel reporting back after the weekend, Julian,

Dr. Juliana Hauser:

you got my cell phone number.

Colette Fehr:

But I think it's great. I think it's great to have fun, be creative, and just like, open up some possibilities, whatever that looks like. So thank you for this wonderful conversation. Thank

Laura Bowman:

you very much. Well, we hope you got some insights from our couch today, if you like what you heard, and we hope that you did, don't forget to subscribe, share with a friend and write a review. It really helps us get our message out. Thanks for being here. Bye, guys. See

Colette Fehr:

you next time. Bye, you.