Insights from the Couch - Mental Health at Midlife

Ep.44: Dating After Divorce: Andrea Baker’s Hilarious & Honest Take on Love, Lessons, and Second Chances

• Colette Fehr, Laura Bowman • Season 4 • Episode 44

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Are you navigating the tricky world of dating after divorce? In this heartfelt and hilarious episode, we sit down with the incredible Andrea Baker, an actor, voiceover artist, and co-host of the pet-centric podcast Tales to Tell. Andrea opens up about her personal journey through divorce, the unexpected twists of dating midlife, and the surprising lessons learned along the way. Together, we explore the challenges of rediscovering yourself, setting boundaries, and embracing both independence and connection.

Andrea’s candid and relatable storytelling will leave you inspired and laughing, while her practical insights might just reshape how you think about love, self-worth, and new beginnings. 

 

Episode Highlights:

[0:01] - Welcoming Andrea Baker and diving into her unique journey post-divorce.
[3:09] - The harsh realities of starting to date again after a major breakup.
[8:55] - Andrea’s wisdom on healing from infidelity and the importance of self-care.
[14:25] - The lessons learned from dating younger men and embracing new experiences.
[19:52] - Andrea’s “onboarding process” for dating—grammar checks included!
[28:31] - How Andrea turned her divorce into an empowering “freedom tour.”
[37:24] - The ultimate takeaway: love yourself first, and live your best life—partner or not. 

 

Resources:

For more on this topic visit our website insightsfromthecouch.org If you have questions please email us at info@insightsfromthecouch.org we would love to hear from you!

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Laura Bowman:

Andrea, welcome back, everybody to another episode of insights from the couch. We are doing part two of our dating at midlife. We have a very special guest today, Andrea Baker, who is an actor and voiceover artist best known for her work in Pleasantville, 90210, General Hospital. Remember the Titans, totally spies, Mad Men and The Sopranos. She is currently co producing her first podcast called tales to tell she's a friend of the pod and a generally hilarious and vulnerable human who we wanted to have on to talk about her journey dating a good life.

Unknown:

I can't wait. Welcome the

Andrea Baker:

journey for the capital J

Colette Fehr:

I was telling Laura right before you hopped on, I was 11 years between my marriages, so I did a lot of dating, and right before I met my husband, ironically, I got to this place where I remember saying I'm really happy on my own, yeah, finally, it's legit. I would love to have connection and love in my life, and if that ever comes my way, I will embrace it. But I can also see a life where I have my connection through my friendships and my family relationships. So it sounds like you've gotten to that same place, and it's a beautiful place to be, it's got to be organic. I

Andrea Baker:

totally have tried to fake it, because you've, I've heard this story before. Like, as soon as you're out looking that's when it happens. I mean, the longer I'm single, I'm like, the landscapers starting to look kind of cute, like, I remember it happening to me in my 20s. I was working in LA. I was dating a little bit, but I was so focused on my career, and I didn't want to shit where you eat, right? Like, it's a camping rule, and I and, you know, on a set in a movies, like everyone it's the opportunities are endless. But I did not that was like, I'm not doing it that way. I'm not doing it that way. So I would never, I would keep everyone I worked with at an arm's length distance, and then, yeah, that's when I met my now ex, which, you know, hindsight, so I do think there's something to it. Yeah,

Colette Fehr:

there is. And it's right, it's not like because I was in the place too, of, oh, I'm not really looking, because that's when I'll meet someone. And it really is that sense of being okay. And also, I think we have to say it's not a place of isolation, it's a place of action, like, your life feels full, but you're not desperate for our partner. And it sounds to me like even as the landscaper might look cute because you're only around who you're around, like, Oh, that would be a fun snack or whatever. But it's also going to take somebody really, great, maybe to be worth it, and that's the hardest part of dating that I hear from friends and clients, and I went through myself, is that, you know, if someone great came along, we're wired for connection. We want to be with other people, but it's really hard to find someone good. So can you talk a little bit about, first of all, how long you've been divorced and maybe what dating was like for you when you first got back out there? Because I know a lot of our listeners are, yeah,

Andrea Baker:

it's awful. I would never, I wouldn't even wish it on literally, my ex, who you know, is now married to the person he got together with when we were still married, right? So that's that's a really tough transition to be. You know, have a step parent who really crossed the line with me on so many levels. And did you know he did that thing that men often do, which is made me feel like it was 100% my fault? And of course, he's my person. We were together for 17 years. He's telling me I'm this horrible creature, and I believe him. So then I, you know, I went through, I did, like a psychoanalysis. I did, like an intense neurological study, because I was like, I think I'm okay. I must be so delusional, you know? And so then I came back with, like, actually, you're pretty smart. You do have a little anxiety. You have some add, but you're fine. And I was like, Oh, okay. And then, you know, then the the truth starts coming out as the time goes by, and you, you know, realize that what really happened and how that was so much more painful than it had to be like you we could have had a conversation. You could have treated me with respect, and you both could have not trampled all over me to get what you wanted.

Colette Fehr:

This is such a human story that so many and first of all, I'm so sorry you went through that, because it's so painful, but the betrayal of it, and the experience of it, it's it's really, really hard, and I relate a lot to what you're saying. So what I wonder, though, is when you say, you know, you could have been more honest. You could have come to me and like, in a way, and I think this is what people as a couple of therapists, I work a lot with infidelity, and it's really you're not ever doing it for the person to oh, I don't want to hurt them. If you're in love with someone else or you want to. Be with someone else, right? Tell your partner, as hard as that is, at least own up to it as an adult and say, Look, I don't want to be in this anymore, because that's the like, bare minimum of respect for someone else, and that's what you're referring to, right? Like, come to me and be honest, instead of really crazy, I'm fucked up and flawed. Yeah, it's like gaslighting on a as you're

Laura Bowman:

betraying but let's be honest about how hard it is for people to grapple with their own shame around like they have to make someone else be the bad guy in order to feel okay about making decisions like that. So like, right? You don't have to, but that's what makes people change the way, like, people drive away from the scene of an accident, you shouldn't do that do but for some reason, people do it all the time. It's so

Andrea Baker:

I think that too. I mean, I, you know, hindsight now, and I so, I, I've been divorced nine years, so it's been a minute. I think the the scar tissue, you know, has, like, got my I've grown around it, and it's fine, you know. But at the beginning, I mean, so eviscerated, like, just sliced open, raw. And then, you know, the one of the first people I dated, it was very slow. It was great. It was so he was it was very gentle getting to know. But then when we got to the physical aspects. There were, you know, there was STDs involved. There were, like, long term, like, effects that could happen. And I that was like, what, you know, I made it to 45 now I'm, this is what I'm grappling with, like, what is happening. And of course, that wasn't great for him, for for that to be my reaction, I'm sure. But I was so naive at the time, not recognizing, like one in five men and one in six women, or whatever this is. And it's, you know, it's very common. I mean, I think if I was deeply in love with someone and knew that this was really going somewhere, I would be 100% fine with risking that, yeah,

Colette Fehr:

because, like, every other person has an STD, but to be like, if not every

Andrea Baker:

dating not sure where it's going, and then risking that, like, I'm gonna have this souvenir for the rest of my life, because I tried this thing, like, not for me, that's not for me. So

Colette Fehr:

since your 20s, so you don't even really know what's out there dating? How would you even know what people have with us or what? Literally, had not thought

Andrea Baker:

about it. I did go and get myself checked out. Yeah, and they were even, that was the craziest thing. Is they, they kind of discouraged me. My doctor was like, Well, why do you want to know? I'm like, well, I need to know. Like, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to be frivolous with other people's health, and they're like, Well, I'm like, what? Like the fact that they're not even encouraging people to find out, because you might not know,

Laura Bowman:

but so, so interesting. You say that, like, I had a client who, she dated a guy, and then he ended up being unfaithful to her, and she went to her doctor just to do one of these, like, prevent, like, totally check it up on it, and it was so good she did, because she had, like, a form of HPV that was like, stay super aggressive. Had she not done that 100% had cervical cancer, make sure

Andrea Baker:

you're, you're healthy and what you're, you know, offering and sharing. If you have something, you can have a adult conversation about it, which I have the utmost respect for that guy, because he told me up front, so Thank God you know, because, yeah, you know, I didn't even know to ask those questions at that point in my life. And then,

Colette Fehr:

right? And you're still recovering from this enormous betrayal, and then after the betrayal, it's also this person, the affair partner, is now in your life so and was immediately in your life, immediately, oh my gosh. Okay, so just because we're on this and it's so do you have any words of wisdom for recovering from right infidelity?

Andrea Baker:

I got really, really good at tennis because I think it's so good to hit something as hard as you can. And that's appropriate. That's like, it's I my joke is I play tennis so I don't run people over with my car, and I'm really good at it, like releasing anger, release I don't know that's how I manage that kind of feeling, because I don't want it to come out in my nasty words or hold it in and get some illness or get some lump in my wherever, because I do. That's my belief. Like, those are those things you have to expel them. I have since, like, gone through all the phases, the grief, stages of grief, and all that you have to go through them. You can't deny them, and you do. I also give myself huge grace when the energy fails me to stay strong and I go and I lay in my bed and, you know, eat ice cream or whatever, I do not beat myself up for that. Not once have I like, I'm just like, Yep, this is my body telling me it's what it needs right now. And I respect it and I trust it, and I also I'm very good and aware of speaking well to myself, like I believe myself. Hear me like, when a cold is coming, I'm like, You got this, you get them white blood cells. You can do it. I'm here for you. Reinforcing your own bio, you know, verse, whatever the words are, is just reinforcing that positive and surrounding your people with your people, like I was so careful of the people that were. I mean, I remember this one couple being like, finding out what had happened, and we had been friends as a couple, and they were continuing to be friends with him, which I didn't know at the time when we were having this conversation. But the way that she was like, Yeah, you know it happens like, oh well, just exercising anyone like, remove. Don't keep looking at the pictures. Like, block and delete. Don't it's, it's so painful to have a picture you look on your social media and you've got their fabulous vacation photo and your face that will ruin your freaking week. Like, don't do that to yourself. Delete, block, yeah, and then and find the people that make you laugh and make you feel good about yourself and and like and comment and follow them and tell the algorithm to send you more of that. I mean, it might have been Laura. Someone was like, anger is healthy if you use it properly. You know, like, I never lived out any of my revenge fantasies, like I never did any of the things, but the thoughts were like, it's okay to have those thoughts. It's okay to imagine a fiery car crash. It's okay. I didn't make it happen, but it was okay to imagine that that like would happen, and I'm not a bad person for that. So giving yourself a ton of grace. It's hard. It's there's no there's no quick fix, there's no pill, there's no there's no drink. It's

Colette Fehr:

a long road, it really is, and there's no way to short circuit it. So then, as you go into dating, is this also part of it? I mean, I know it was for me, having been cheated on in the past as well, for many, many, many years, in some of the most painful ways possible, that it's just human, it's going to shake your trust well,

Andrea Baker:

like, then the next person that I really thought, Oh, wow. Like, this is why I got divorced. I'm going to be with this guy. Like, I'm so excited, and I was so clingy, like, I glommed onto him, like a virus. I mean, we're talking about, I should, I need to change the metaphor. But, like, I just, I was like, Call me. Call me when you get in the plane, call me when you land, you know. Like, and I think it was fun for a minute, but then it was like, Whoa, you know. And under, like, I look back now and I cringe at, you know, how I was then, so needy, yeah, but I was so, yeah, I was, I was not stable. I was like, a, you know, a wiggle, weeble wobble, right? Like you you wobble, but you don't fall down. Like I looked okay on the outside. People were like, you're, you know, you're highly functioning. You seem great. But I was not on the inside. I was a weeble wobble. I was like, trying to find solid ground and I and looking for it in someone else is never the answer, right you. We all know that,

Laura Bowman:

if you were to go back to that woman, would you have, like, said you need, like, a timeout for a while? Like, dating is not where to be right now. Or did you need all those experiences to kind of show you that stuff? I'm

Andrea Baker:

a big believer in, like, the harder thing you do, the greater the reward. So I feel like it was, would have been easier to hole up, you know, it's, it's today. It's like, it's always easier for me to say no and stay home. I mean, this is I'm in my office, right down the street, you know, hallway from my bedroom, like I could never leave the house with Instacart now, like, but the harder thing is to say yes to the thing and go and then see what happens. And you either, you know, in tennis, you either win or you learn, right? So in Dayton, you either, you know, get some or you learn something. But when an opportunity, like, it was a friend from my past that came back, he had gone through a divorce, or was in the, you know, end stages of a divorce, so I was super like, wow. Like, this is all happening. It's meant to be I thought I had manifested him, because I remember walking and being like, I just want to meet someone that's that I can trust from my past, like someone that I have history with. That's all I want. And literally, I don't know, three days later, he was like, Hey, you want to meet for coffee? I was like, Oh, my God, I'm this. I am the most magical creature. Wow, manifested my next relationship.

Colette Fehr:

So what did you learn from that relationship?

Andrea Baker:

I learned that men don't want too much difficulty, especially like older, very successful men, they prefer like an easy relationship, which I get like they're out there fighting wars. And that was not the only, you know, my age, successful man that I have dated, but the one common thread is they really their life is what their life is that they've built from scratch, that they're super proud of, which kudos, but they're. No sense of, like, what's you? What have you built? How do we fit? It's more. This is where I'm at. And how are you gonna cut? Fold in? Like you're gonna fold in, because

Colette Fehr:

that's not a real relationship, and that's not and easy being easy. This is the age old thing of, like, good girl, itis right that that you want this perfect doll that has only plastic parts. Obviously, I'm speaking

Andrea Baker:

end up with,

Unknown:

I don't know they

Colette Fehr:

got plastic parts, right, right? Okay, okay, literally and metaphorically, but I think beyond the looks, it's the idea of like you're happy and you're positive and you smile and you don't rock the boat too much, and you're not seen as, God forbid, fucking shutter, a difficult woman. And really, what a difficult woman means is somebody who is assertive about her own needs and willing to speak the truth about her feelings, and is not just going to swallow it when something this fabulous man, successful man with his organized life, does to upset you. I mean, it just it really sparks an ember of outrage in me, because this is the conundrum for women, is that we can mistakenly think that to be loved by the partner we want, we need to fit into their world and into their box.

Andrea Baker:

I think it came as like a bit of a shock, but then also sort of common. It was so common, it was so normalized that that also made me go, Well, I that was probably the first time I opted out. I was like, I think I'll just be alone then, like, if that's how it's going to be. And then then the younger men were so easy. I mean, they're so easy, you know? I mean,

Laura Bowman:

tell us about the younger men. Like, I'm fascinated by this. Like, what was that? Like? I was like,

Andrea Baker:

I'm definitely not interested in any sort of who I'm going to bring home to my family kind of person. I'm like, exploring all the things I never tried, you know, race, religion, creed, like age, age, like it. I was open to see what might happen. I mean, I'm very selective. So it's not like I was like, every week was a different person I would, I was, like, I was with someone for months. I mean, one was, like, a year and a half, this young guy who, you know, if I had been the man, I would have been dragging him to all the parties to show off, because he was gorgeous, like, model type, significant age difference, yeah, but a full adult, he was a full adult, but, yeah, you know, and he had a job, he traveled, he was a he, I don't know, I'm not going to say more about it, because he's a professional person. But yeah, we had a great there was no, it was just fun, you know, we there weren't lots of deep we would talk about things that were deep, but it was just fun, but

Colette Fehr:

it's become such a thing now, and it is nice that women you know that the culture is shifting. When you see all these movies now, there's all these Netflix shows. There's a new one right now, but a 60 year old woman being with a younger man, there was the Nicole Kidman one, right, where it's the daughter's love interest, but then she's the one who will them more. And at that time, that was considered horribly, yeah, whatever,

Andrea Baker:

because I, I do think it has its place. And like men do, and men do it all the time, it's so common for the new divorce, a divorce guy to be at the party with the young thing, and the guys are like, but for some reason it seems more biological. So cool way to go. Where if I did it, no one would have high fived me. Women,

Laura Bowman:

very often are so like, you gotta tell me everything about your ex relationships, every marriage you've been in, why you got out of them. Who are you? Now, can I trust you? I mean, do you find that you when you, especially as you start to feel close to someone that that comes up a lot of like, Can I really trust this human,

Andrea Baker:

you know, yeah, like, the trauma response, the triggering, all those things are absolutely real, and I think, you know, way more intense in the early years than now, like it's all sort of more dulled now, but, I mean, I definitely had to find my boundaries, which is like, I'm gonna do a background check on you. That's it. Like, there's no, I'm not gonna negotiate that with you, sir, I always say I have an onboarding process. So my onboarding process is the text, okay, like it's initially a text. Do you say it like that? Again, I'm still single, so don't do what I do.

Colette Fehr:

But what's your onboarding process? I love this idea. How

Andrea Baker:

many grammatical errors are we making, and do they? Know? There, there, there. Your your big if they say, you know, thank thank you, or you're welcome, you know, if that, if you can't do your welcome, I'm probably, we're probably not gonna,

Colette Fehr:

how much effort will you make?

Andrea Baker:

I mean, so that's easy. That's those are easy to just like swipe what's the, you know, when you don't like them left, like, right, swipe left, if you like your we're done here. So then, but if all that goes well, then we're gonna have a phone interview. And, like, I remember calling one guy with, you know, it was a, it was a specific time we're gonna have a call. And I called, and you could tell he was, like, laying down, you know, like napping. And he's just very like, yeah. And I think within 30 seconds or 15 seconds, I was like, You know what? This isn't gonna work out. You know, bye, bye. And I just like, hung up. Because why? Amanda was five more minutes with just to be polite to someone who clearly is not that into what's happening here, which is fine. Like, maybe he would have worked all night, and, like, maybe I really missed my chance on that one. But these apps and these strangers, like they don't there's no value till there's value, right? And you have to be protecting yourself until you feel safe enough to open up to be vulnerable. And it's not, it's self preservation first, because no one else is coming. I mean, that's, I mean, when I had a chicken coop and the snake was in the chicken coop, and I was like, Oh, my God, oh, no one's coming. It's, I have to deal with the snake and the chicken no one's coming. There's no one to screen, help to and that's, I mean, so I'm gonna look out for me all the way until someone is proven, entity, proven over again, entity that is safe, secure and understanding of your bear. You're scared to be embarrassed. I'm scared to die. That's it. Like you have to adjust yourself. I'm not adjusting my fear of death because it I can't I will die because then I'll be down.

Colette Fehr:

And that's just a certain level of safety and practicality that is the reality for women. We really have to look out for ourselves. And then there's also the second layer you're pointing to, which is, you know, identifying certain little, tiny behaviors that tell you, you know, this is early, right? And it reminds me, as I listen to you, I got to this place because I was like an Uber dater for a while. Like, I mean, I, you know, I approach things usually with Augusto, so if I'm doing it, I'm all in. And I almost became like a professional dater for a while. One day I went, Wow, four dates in one day,

Andrea Baker:

I'm exhausted. That was my Matthew about it. Oh my gosh, right. It was literally, like, if you have you know how to do the grammar, you can have a reasonable conversation lets me and you're not scared to tell me your last name, or maybe, I mean, you don't show your drivers, like, your full name, and like, do you? Are you? Are you resident of the state, and maybe how old you are? Because then I can definitely get, yeah, you know, any criminal records. But like, if they're willing to do all that, then, yeah, I want to meet you before we start talking. And if they're like, Oh, I can't meet for two weeks, I'm like, that's fine, let me know, and we'll set up a time in two weeks. But don't text me and talk to me between that, because I'm not interested. Don't use all my time. Yes, they wanted to do that whole game without meeting, and I that was a boundary, like so I have, you know that was about, no, I'm not doing that

Colette Fehr:

exactly. And you know what? A lot of people like that because they want to feel psychologically like there are people out there and they have irons in the fire, but they don't actually want to divest of themselves and put any energy in a real, authentic way into you. And so it's a total waste of time. Save it. Save it. Save

Andrea Baker:

it till it means something to me.

Laura Bowman:

I would be so bad at all of this. I mean, you guys know me, like, I've been married for 24 years and like I every guy I ever dated, even my husband, falls into this category. Like was a really good friend first, like, you have to be my friend. I have no interest in being sexually sized up. It's by some middle aged dude who, yeah, I can't handle that. My nervous system can't handle that, and I know it is successful.

Andrea Baker:

I mean, like Colette, how did you meet your husband? Did you meet him on one of those 15 minute

Colette Fehr:

dates? No, I met him organically in a restaurant. But I met him because, and this is my and I'm not going to tell the whole long, boring story, because I've already probably told already probably told it on the podcast, but what I love about you either lose or you either win or you learn. I had the most heartbreaking relationship of my life was the guy I dated after my divorce. It absolutely. It was the most intense connection I ever had, and my heart was broken in a way that it took me over a year and I did every embarrassing, cliched thing, like not being able to let go, sobbing uncontrollably in public, chain smoking cigarettes, calling him when I shouldn't be calling, like all the all the embarrassing thing, like I was just absolutely ripped to shreds emotionally by the breakup. And I remember at points thinking, there is nothing good that will come of this. This is just too much pain to ever have a justifiable reason. And of course, eventually I healed and I got past it, and I was like, holy shit. Talk about having to have compassion for your younger self. I had to give myself a lot of grace that, you know, until I got divorced, I was with the guy I met at a at a like dark wasted bar in college when I was 18. So I had no real world experience whatsoever with dating. I hadn't given my heart to anybody as an adult, ever other than my ex husband, and that really formed as as children. So the point of this is that I met my husband ironically because of that relationship, because he had she that other guy had cheated on me with a woman who went to a certain school, and I walked by my husband and his friends at a table watching a game of that school, and I said something out loud disparaging about the school that my husband went to the same school. And so when I came and I was a little tipsy, and, you know, I say way more than I should. And so when I came back out, my husband had heard my voice, and he was like, God, that's some other bitchy New Yorker, you know, bashing my rural school. And I came out, and he, like, pointed at the little logo on his shirt and gave me a nasty look. And I went over to my friends and said, Wow, that is a group of Grumpy Old Men who seriously need to get laid. And I thought, because he's 10 years older than I was, and we ended up, the night went on, we ended up talking because we were the only people in the restaurant. And I explained to him that my reaction was a result of being cheated on. And so the irony, you know, so many years later, this was five years after that relationship ended, and had I never dated that other guy who broke my heart, I would have never met my husband. So it had a really beautiful outcome. And I do think even these bad experiences are all grist for the mill, and like, prepare us for the best relationship with ourselves and to meet a good partner well. And

Andrea Baker:

honestly, I was telling Laura I listened to the guys, you know, your two part guy version. And I just felt like, wow, their goal is marriage. Their goal is, is marriage, right? And, and I don't want to get married again. Like, I'm not gonna have kids. Obviously, the oven is closed. I don't I'm not interested in in getting legally like I I'm content with my financial situation. I don't want to give or take from anyone like I would like to meet an equal and have a equal partnership that has nothing to do with entangling each other's assets or whatever I'm thinking.

Laura Bowman:

Of our listeners who maybe they're single for the first time, or maybe they've been single for a long time. What's our best advice?

Andrea Baker:

I did the divorce tour. I said I should make T shirts I have bag will travel. And I went every time, because the hardest part when your kids are still live with you is I had to go, and I've listened to your empty nest one, and I've shared it a bunch, because I had to do that with eight and 10 year old kids gone for a week at a time. It is the most unnatural, uncomfortable thing to have happen and, and, and it's just doesn't feel like, who am I? What is my value in this world if I'm not taking care of my own children like I don't, I couldn't see straight. It was so hard. And so being alone in my house was not good for my mental health at that point. And I just went and visited all my friends from college, anyone that was going anywhere or would want me around third wheeled, it all over the world. Literally did trips that I would have never done. Married, did things that I would have never done if I was married with kids like I had this freedom that I decided to invest in and and find pleasure for myself, because the alternative was just misery, misery. And I refused. I refused to have that be like Pull Me Under, because it would have, I think, if I hadn't had my divorce tour 2015 which I should have made t shirt. Words,

Colette Fehr:

that's great advice, and I want to echo that, that live your best life, right? Really, go and find what fills you up, and don't focus all your energy on meeting someone, either to just have connection or to like, meet the needs that you can find in other relationships and experiences and within yourself, be busy living your great life, but I want to add to that, and at the same time, be open. And I do think, because I have many friends and I've had many clients who can get stuck in the well, I'm not ready to date, and then that becomes life. And people, when we're hurt, and we've all been hurt. Most people don't get to our age, and they haven't ever been abandoned or rejected by someone part of the human experience. Don't close yourself off because something happened to you, and I know that's easier said than done, but I think that's an active process. You can be in a conversation with yourself about every day, go on dates, put yourself out there, risk another disappointment, and also live your best life. I think

Andrea Baker:

a lot of people get into competition with their ex. So their ex is now, you know, getting married, you know, engaged, getting married and living with that person, whatever it is. And you think, Oh, my God, I'm, you know, I'm getting I've gotten left behind. I totally got left behind in that. And I could have been, like, just glommed on to someone or, you know, and I just thought, no, like, I found a great therapist. I found someone to make me recognize, like, what I my values are, what like folk don't like I said, Turn off all those social medias. Remove yourself from the friends that are gonna like. Some people love to show up and give me the fill me in on what's going on over there.

Colette Fehr:

Oh, everyone wanted to do that with me, and everyone wanted to bring it up. People still bring it up. I've been divorced for 20 years. I'm like, I don't know what my ex husband and his wife do with their life, and I don't care. I mean, part

Andrea Baker:

like, it's hard to when those kids evolve. So like, I get, like, I do want to know to us to an extent now they're old enough that I have the relationship with them directly. So I don't, I'm not questioning, right, me too, that stuff anymore, but I get the inclination I don't think anyone was doing it maliciously. I think they're thinking, you know, they're giving me intel that might be helpful in some way, but if it's not helpful, you should yeah, no, thank you. No, thank you and not Yeah. Surround yourself with your tribe, find your people, do what you love and and be your best self and and keep showing up in the same way, like be the same person. So when, when the new mom or whatever is buying their affection, and they're and they're saying things you know, because hopefully you're mature, and you edify each other as parents and as as humans to their your children, because the best advice I got from my lifelong friend, she had me, she had me talking about my dad, who's he just passed last year, but just the greatest man on the planet, and that's and she had me talking about him for 20 minutes, and she said, Yeah, that's so amazing. You need to do that for your children, like, give your children that it was the best advice, because all I wanted to do was be like, Oh yeah, careful. He's a lying, cheating son of a bitch, and she's so awful. Don't trust a word they say. But I never let myself do that, because they are half him. So if I'm talking ill of him, I'm speaking ill of them. And that is not okay,

Colette Fehr:

right? It only damages the children. Give your kids the

Andrea Baker:

opportunity to love their parent and have, like, great experiences with their parent and be happy for them for doing it like I would say, like you're so lucky you have, you know, three people now that love you, and you know, I don't even like to shop. You're so lucky. She loves to shop and wants to, you know, she, you know, is giving you gifts you love, that that's how great. Meanwhile, you know, I'm in the other room going, you mother fucking bitch, like,

Unknown:

stop by my

Andrea Baker:

kitchen. But I didn't ever do that. I just did it in the shower and hit the tennis ball super fucking hard, and

Colette Fehr:

I made a choice to really just detach from the whole thing that my happiness wasn't tied to them. I had divorced parents, and I knew the importance, even before I became a therapist, of speaking highly of your parent, and I knew how it felt when I heard my parents say things about each other at times of emotion, and I was determined to rise above all of that and to just realize that, you know, their life is their life, and my life is my life, and I'm going to focus on me, and what they do or don't do is just going to have no impact on me, because. It's not, first of all, it's out of my control, and second of all, it's my life to fill with what I want to fill it with. It takes being really intentional about it. But I did not want to be that person, because I've had these clients, and I've seen it in my personal life, who, 20 years later, they're still bitter and angry about the situation, and that is a choice to not move on. Oh, you can get stuck in anger and resentment and grief and woe is me and that at that point, you can't control who betrays you, but you can control how long you and I think

Andrea Baker:

generationally, like my, my aunt, her husband left her, and, yeah, she's been alone 30 years, still angry at him, you know, and you just think I so I had, I saw what that could be, and I have no interest in living my life like that. Burn in daylight. I'm a lover like I want to love and have joy and make people laugh, and I I'm not. That's not for me, and there's so much, so many things outside of their personal, sexual, intimate relationship, that you can enjoy and focus your energy. I mean, I'm 54 I just got my 200 hour yoga teacher training like, you know, like, just keep growing. Andrea, nothing new to learn. There's something new to invest your time and energy on. I mean, podcasting, like, I, you know, I'm going to be a Podcast Producer, that's what I'm into. Like, I love it. It's all new. It's so fun for me. I mean, I know it's not new, but it's new for me. Find a new passion, Find it. Find something that draws you in positively. And yeah, these men, they can't be alone for five minutes. Hopefully you'll have me on here in five years, and I'll be like, here he is. Like, he's amazing, but if Yeah, I'm not, I literally don't see it anymore. Like, I don't see it. So it's okay. Would it be great to have an equal partner that actually we folded into each other, versus having to fold into someone else's life like that would be amazing,

Laura Bowman:

and it could be love, but it could just be a really great quality. Nothing better than being

Andrea Baker:

like in Spain and going I would have never done this if I was married, and here I am on this adventure in Spain like that's a benefit. Plus, I have no in laws, no in laws, winning. And I

Colette Fehr:

think, like, just as a final takeaway before we wrap up, is really that it can be great either way, right? Don't compromise yourself. Be open, live your best life, and like you're gonna find a life that fulfills you, and it doesn't have to be with a partner, and it doesn't have to be without a partner. There isn't one way to do

Laura Bowman:

it. Grow together. Yeah, develop yourself. Yeah.

Colette Fehr:

So that is the message. And you were tell us before we sign off, how tell our audience how they can find you your new podcast. Oh, well,

Andrea Baker:

I so tales to tell, spelled like a dog tail, because it's with the DR Jackie, who's a local vet. It's really a podcast for pet owners, for pet professionals, for anyone that's involved and loves animals. And it's so informative and fun, and I love it. So yeah, tales to tell with Jackie Burt, and then, yeah, I'm Andrea e Baker on everything I think Andrea e Baker on like, tick tock, I have a private Instagram. I I got some, I had some wacky Instagram so tick tock. I just make silly, funny videos, like that one I was telling you about Laura. Yeah, she's

Laura Bowman:

very funny. You

Colette Fehr:

guys can connect with Andrea there. Check out her podcast. It sounds wonderful. Animals are even better than people, sometimes. And thank you so much for being on and thank you everyone for listening. We will be back soon, and hope you got lots of great insights from our couch.

Laura Bowman:

Bye, guys, bye, bye.