Insights from the Couch - Mental Health at Midlife

Ep.52: Happiness Hacks: What Arthur C. Brooks Can Teach Us About What Really Works

• Colette Fehr, Laura Bowman • Season 4 • Episode 52

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In this episode, we're taking a closer look at the science (and soul) of happiness—not that shiny, fake, “good vibes only” stuff, but the real-deal, research-backed version. After attending a powerful talk by Harvard professor and happiness expert Arthur C. Brooks, we came back buzzing with insights, and we couldn’t wait to break it all down for you.

We’re exploring what happiness actually means—spoiler: it’s not just about smiling all the time—and how much of it is actually within our control. From the surprising role of genetics to the transformational power of habits, transcendence, relationships, and creative work, we’re sharing key takeaways and offering practical, therapist-approved strategies to help you create a more meaningful, joyful, and resilient life.

 

Episode Highlights:

[0:47] - Our field trip to see Arthur C. Brooks live and why he's the happiness guy.
[1:37] - The surprising science: 50% of happiness is genetic—wait, what?!
[4:44] - Redefining happiness: Enjoyment, satisfaction, and meaning.
[6:11] - The real meaning of pleasure (hint: not just wine and cheese nights).
[9:10] - What satisfaction really means and why feeling effective is everything.
[11:12] - Meaning-making as a mental health superpower.
[13:06] - Resilience and post-traumatic growth: Turning lemons into lemonade.
[16:46] - Grappling with life’s big questions: “Why are you here?” and “What would you die for?”
[19:20] - Transcendence: Spirituality beyond religion and finding awe in everyday moments.
[22:27] - Flow state magic: What gets us into it (spoiler: puzzles and cleaning included!).
[27:51] - The #1 predictor of happiness: Relationships and why they matter so much.
[30:17] - The power of community and intentional connection.
[31:25] - Finding purpose in your work—however you define it.
[33:41] - The art of the “active dabble” and why it’s okay to not know what lights you up (yet).
[35:49] - Wrapping with wisdom: Radical responsibility and the risks of autonomy.

 

Resources:

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Colette Fehr:

Laura, welcome to insights from the couch. I'm Colette fair here with my co host, Laura Bowman, we're excited to talk with you again today about happiness, what happiness really is, not that toxic positivity, bullshit, real happiness, and how you can have more of it in your life based on the brilliant research and teachings of Arthur C Brooks, professor at Harvard University, you're going to want to hear what we have to say, because we're going to boil it all down into actionable items you can harness from this day forward to live a more meaningful, fulfilling and happier life.

Laura Bowman:

Yay. This is the result of our field trip. We took a field trip. Yes,

Colette Fehr:

we went to the DR Phillips Center for the Performing Arts, which is here in Florida, where we live. And Arthur C Brooks, who is this legendary researcher on happiness, right? He has his he's had his own quest in life, his own struggles with depression, so he became curious about, how can I be happier, and this has led to a fruitful career. I think he's published 13 books, one with Oprah, yes, the latest Oprah,

Laura Bowman:

he's no schlub, right top of the mountain, right there. Yeah. And

Colette Fehr:

he's kind of one of the most well known happiness experts, I suppose, in terms of, you know, what's the secret and the art to happiness? So we want to share what we learned with you, and also our insights as therapists. Yeah. So

Laura Bowman:

one of the first things that I think I was shocked to know is that 50% he says that 50% of our happiness is based on our genetic set points.

Colette Fehr:

It shocked you that it was that high or that low?

Laura Bowman:

Yeah. I mean, I guess it doesn't. But which way, which way higher was that high?

Colette Fehr:

Okay, see, I found it low. I was thinking it was more like 80%

Laura Bowman:

really? Yes. I mean, that stands to reason, because they've done all kinds of studies where it's like people who've won the lottery or lost a limb, and then, you know, they test them like a month out, 90 days out, eventually, happiness levels return to baseline, which

Colette Fehr:

is fascinating. And really, what we're saying here is that, yes, genetics play a role, meaning that you have a genetic set point for happiness. So, like, Laura's saying, you know, if you win the lottery, you're going to be thrilled. I mean, at least I would be for that eventually, right? Maybe a week. I think it's going to be longer than that, I wonder what time along you get like I think I'd be pretty high for a while, but and just how many people I would immediately tell to fuck off like that alone would be so joyous, seductive, yes. But since that's not happening anytime soon, the reality is, even if I won the lottery and it solved a lot of my problems I would soon return to however I am. And as a therapist, sitting with so many clients over the years, you know, I've had clients who have stage four cancer, and their mindset is so positive and powerful, not not fake positive, like really seeing what's important in life, that it's blown me away. And I've learned so much from them. And then I've had clients had clients that, you know, their garage door, and this is made up, their garage door isn't working, and they're just like in a state of complete, abject despair. So a lot of it is how you are. But the good news, and what we want to talk about today is that other 50% about 25% of it, Dr Brooks says, is circumstance, but the other 25% is habits, habits of mind, how you live your life. We actually have a lot more control and agency over our mindset and how we experience life than we may think. And so we want to really funnel into that part about what we can control, and leave you with a couple of things that could be life changing.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, that feels right. I think habits are that beautiful place where you have so much agency over your life and making it better. Yes, I've seen that in my own life. Just having simple, simple habits are so grounding, like just walking, yeah? Like, my walking habit is so huge

Colette Fehr:

Well, and that's actually been proven, that walking clears the weeds in your head, it boosts mood. I mean, walking is a freaking anti depressant that's not in a pill. Yeah,

Laura Bowman:

go get a walking habit. But other habits too, they're just very, very grounding, right?

Colette Fehr:

So before we get into the habits, let's talk about how Dr Brooks defines happiness, because this may be different than once, what some people imagine. And I just want to say that I usually have this visceral reaction when people talk about be happy. Be and be positive. It feels faux and like happiness. The true emotion of happiness is a fleeting state, right? It's really joy, and it's not meant to be. We don't live in a state of permanent joy or happiness. It's an emotion that comes and goes, and when we have it, we enjoy it, and then there's struggle, and then there's moments of joy. But when Brooks talks about happiness, what he really means are these three components of enjoyment, satisfaction and meaning. So let's talk about that for a minute.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, he talks enjoyment or pleasure. He calls it pleasure too, and I think that's, like, hyper individual, you know, what gives me pleasure? I mean, we talked about that with our, you know, even our Yuck, yum therapist, the sex therapist, is that, like, it's so individual about what like sitting with a puzzle turns me on you that you would want to, like, pluck your eyebrows out if you know, you had to sit with a puzzle. So it's like, what you know, mining out, what are those things that really just like, give you that feeling of contentment and pleasure?

Colette Fehr:

So I want to just contextualize pleasure a little bit, because I did hear him make a distinction that I think is super important. You know, I am, I have a very hedonistic part of self, like I am no stranger to pleasure, and given my way, I could live a life of just, you know, pleasure, like, if life conspired with me to make that possible. But he does talk about, and this is really important, that it's not just pleasure like what feels good in the moment, because that can be a very different thing, and our brains are wired to seek pleasure and reduce pain. It's really pleasure like what you said, Laura, savoring an experience, being present, feeling like fulfilled by what you're doing, feeling at peace, feeling content. So I just want to differentiate that between, you know, getting wasted. Or, I know you don't mean that, but I think it's easy. Like, what gives me pleasure is eating, but that's how I've gotten, like, 40 or 50 pounds overweight at times. That's not the kind of pleasure, yes, eating a good meal, but being present, not stacking your face, huge piece of it, right? Yes,

Laura Bowman:

and having that awareness of, and I think so much of this is like wanting what you have, like, so like, it's, it's, you know, just that feeling like, of being totally content with what is,

Colette Fehr:

and paying attention to the small things in your life that bring pleasure in a healthy way. Yes, that make you feel good and making sure you're building time and space for those things part of pleasure and enjoyment, though, because it's really enjoyment, right? It's activities. It's also people. We'll circle back to that, but let's talk about these other two components. Okay,

Laura Bowman:

so the second one is satisfaction. What do you make of satisfaction?

Colette Fehr:

A sense of purpose. Well, that's really more than meaning. But you know, they're all They're all entwined, entwined, yeah, satisfaction, to me, is that I work for something, I need to be working towards something. And it doesn't mean I have to be an endless productivity, but to feel like I'm growing, and to feel like I'm trying to stretch myself at some stages of life, way out of my comfort zone, sometimes, maybe only a little bit, but then I'm always learning and growing. So for me, satisfaction comes from a sense of personal growth, of pursuing and fulfilling intellectual curiosity. So I think satisfaction for other people, for our listeners, you know, you might define that differently, although I do think those two things I've mentioned, you know, can relate to a lot of people. A lot of people might find satisfaction in those pursuits, but it's going after something and accomplishing, feeling a sense of accomplishment. I

Laura Bowman:

guess the word that kept coming back to me was feeling effective, that you are actually going after something and accomplishing it like it's that closing the loop of I went for it. It worked out. I feel so effective, yeah, and which kind of makes up forward motion for me, everybody needs that feeling of like I don't know, I don't care how long it takes. I just want to feel like I'm getting somewhere exactly,

Colette Fehr:

and you're so right, because that's when people become hopeless and discouraged in our offices is when and in life, you're trying and you're trying and nothing's working. Nothing right. You're trying to lose weight and like you are eating right and working out and whatever, and nothing is happening, or you're dating and you're on these god awful apps that make you. Want to die. Everyone's a jerk, right? You try to have a positive attitude, and then you get ghosted. It's just when we don't feel some sense of efficacy, like you're saying, we don't feel that satisfied. And we definitely don't feel satisfied with like, superficial acquisition or empty

Laura Bowman:

right? Stuff. And people think they will, until they get that, and then they quickly move on

Colette Fehr:

right like I said when we were sitting in the auditorium listening right before he said it the hedonic treadmill. Yes, that we think, Oh, this next thing is going to be the thing that fills me up, and then I'll be happy. But what we know about human nature is that once that thing has landed, then you're not new thing. Yeah, yeah. So it's really though why we're going to close the loop on this with meaning, right? This is what holds together in my mind. Enjoyment and satisfaction is that these pursuits we have to keep growing and striving, and these pursuits that are satisfying and enjoyable have to have meaning, because without that, it's empty calories, metaphorically speaking, yeah,

Laura Bowman:

and I see this all the time in my office, with people who have careers that don't feel that they have a lot of purpose, and they don't feel like They have enough meaning in their life and they're really grappling with it. I also find that it's the people who have the best outcomes, mental health wise, that can make meaning out of their experiences. What

Colette Fehr:

do you mean the best outcomes? Mental health wise, explain that for the listeners. I think I know what you mean, but explain it for me, because I might be thinking something

Laura Bowman:

else. It's just people who can take what they've been through, yeah, and build a story that is kind of like the hero's journey, yeah? And it culminates in this sense of, like, I know why this. I kind of understand why this happened, not even if, why, but like that, this did happen. Why is? Why is tricky,

Colette Fehr:

right? Because if you get sick or like a car rams into you with a drunk driver, there's no why. I hate the expression. Everything happens for a reason. Do not say that to anyone, ever, ever, ever, definitely don't say it to me. It is the most invalidating tone of I don't know who put that on a bumper sticker 40 years ago, but they Well, people

Laura Bowman:

say that when they don't know what to say, right? But it's a really trait, little misses and it's invalidating,

Colette Fehr:

because the reality is, when you're in the experience, that's not how it feels, and sometimes there is no why. I know there are people who actually believe that, and maybe that, if that's comforting for you, great. It's not for me. Yeah,

Laura Bowman:

I agree. I think why is so tricky. But I do think that no matter what happens, that there's always an opportunity for post traumatic growth. Yes, to make any people who can get there and make meaning, yes, they they will have to meet the better outcomes and the people who feel like there was no meaning and that no teachable moment, nothing to grow from. No,

Colette Fehr:

you're 100% right, because the more apt trait expression is making lemonade out of lemons. Yeah, we don't know why you have the lemons. They're on your doorstep. You can't control what happens. We know we're going to get lemons, sometimes a whole big bag of that and buried under lemons, but it's the people who figure out, you know, this sucked, and I'm allowed to feel hurt and shocked and devastated until I don't, and I'm going to figure out what I can do With this so that I can still lead a meaningful life and find a way to create satisfaction and enjoyment. I

Laura Bowman:

know I'll create a lemonade stand, right? Or

Colette Fehr:

whatever, yeah, but it's true. That's yeah. That's resilience and post traumatic growth, you know, is sort of the opposite. You don't choose post traumatic stress, but it is a traumatic thing happens, and it doesn't mean, oh, it's so good that it happened or you have to celebrate it, but it means that you find a way to grow from what's happened to you, and you can lead an even more enriched life. Plus, this is also how some people take the worst and most tragic, even horrific things, and it becomes a life mission, where they then go on to help so many other people, like Gabby potatoes, parents. I watched a little while ago now the documentary on her, that young girl who was killed in the domestic violence incident out west. Most people probably have heard her name, you know, obviously there's no why there. There's no good why. It's not like her family is going, Oh, well, this happened for a reason, right? Of course, but they've taken this absolute tragedy and they have devoted their resources and time and energy toward getting the. Word out there for persons of color who don't historically get as much attention in the media, but a lot of people complain. You know, yeah, there's another, like, cute, young, blonde, white girl, she gets all this attention, but like, what about the 1000s, and maybe even more of women who who don't get any media attention. So her family, instead of getting defensive about it, they said, Fuck, you're right. We didn't realize this was happening. It's not okay, and they're trying to spread awareness about domestic violence resources help cops understand what to look for, and get the word out there that we need to be representing all people who go missing and bring the kind of attention that Gabby got to all of those cases. So my point is, you know, they are, maybe it's not fair to say they're making lemonade, but they're doing something really, really meaningful that could save

Laura Bowman:

other people's lives. Yeah, it's awesome, that's right. And

Colette Fehr:

they don't want to, they wouldn't, I'm sure they would trade it to have their daughter back, of

Laura Bowman:

course, of course. But you know, I also think to back to the set point. I think some people are more programmed to look for meaning, or to trend towards meaning, than other people. So I think so this is something that people need help with very often. I

Colette Fehr:

agree, but I also think, like so many things, it's a muscle, right? There's neuroplasticity in the brain, meaning the brain can change at any time. And really, if we say one thing in this episode, it's that meaning and purpose are the key to a happier life. Yes, when you feel like you know why you're here? Oh, let's talk about that. Because, right, his question,

Laura Bowman:

I just, what did we think about this? I thought this was a little too broad and maybe not totally me, like useful for today. So we had two questions. Yeah, he had two questions that he asks his students to answer. One of them is, why do you think you're here, right? Why are you here? Why are you here? And the second, what was, what would you die for? And these students who were, you know, in their early 20s, have to grapple with these, like, big questions. And and you and I were like, what would we die for? Our kids came up straight away, but like, what else would you die for? Colette,

Colette Fehr:

so I think it's really interesting to pose the questions and make people think. And he used a story about his own son, who was sort of lost and going nowhere. And this kid ended up going into the Marines and going through this whole metamorphosis where, when he came home, he could answer the questions. And, you know, for me, at the end of the day, I think, what am I here for? Like, what's my purpose? I think I can get behind that question a bit same, yeah, and we're therapists, so we talked about, also, we're really lucky that we have a job, there's some really hard things about being a therapist, but we have a job that is so meaningful and you can actually impact people's lives, and it's tremendously rewarding, I agree. So we're lucky on that front. What would I die for? That question is tough for me, because there is nothing I would die for other than my children, period. Full stop. Yeah,

Laura Bowman:

I feel the same. I and I think that's a really tough question to ask a bunch of kids in their 20s.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, I think it's a tough question to ask anyone. I just we wanted to share it with you guys, because, you know, maybe there's an angle on this that I'm not kidding, or there are some people who do have that kind of mission, that they would die for their mission. And my hat's off to you. I'm not that way. I'm scared of my own shadow. So unless you're going to hurt my kid, I'm running. I'm running any other direction, same, same. But I don't think you have to have an answer to that question to find more meaning and purpose, I do think, and this is where we want to get into, what are some of the habits and practices you can do to really affect that 25 ish percent of our lives where our happiness is built on habit. So let's get into those things. We came up with four things, yeah,

Laura Bowman:

one of the key pieces of his thing is, like transcendence. You know, he's a he's a practicing Catholic. I think he's been to see the Dalai Lama a bunch of times. He's very much that we have to have a spiritual dimension to our lives. He says it doesn't have to be organized religion, or it doesn't have to be religion at all? Yeah, no, but it has to be something.

Colette Fehr:

Let me step in and speak for the bad Catholics. That's who, that's the group I'm in. Yeah, I was relieved to hear him say because he didn't actually introduce the topic transcendence wasn't the first word he. Started talking about faith, right? And I was going, Okay, this is where I'm gonna be a little challenged. But whether you see yourself, whether you're devoted to religion and organized religion, first of all, let me say, anyone who has faith, I admire, I respect and I envy it in a way. I don't have a blind faith in God or religion. So but I do have transcendence in my life, so I want to hold that God may play this role your relationship with God, but it also may come from transcending the ordinary and feeling connected to the universal flow, which I feel very much tuned into,

Laura Bowman:

yeah. And he used the example of, like walking in nature, in the woods, and that that can be like a transcendent, meditative, spiritual practice, right? So he wasn't harnessing it just in these, like tight confines,

Colette Fehr:

but it could be. It could look like different things for different people. And I just want to make the bar really low, because it is as simple, perhaps as walking in nature. And we know actually psychologically, seeing a beautiful vista, experiencing the emotion awe, that that has a transcendent impact on our limbic systems.

Laura Bowman:

Oh yeah. Like you heal. Like they've done research studies where they put people in the woods and like, something about your your DNA just starts to, like, heal itself. I mean, it's pretty impactful,

Colette Fehr:

right? It's research based. And there was some study years ago. I won't quote it quite, quite, right? But they did. You know, an antidepressant, a psychotropic drug, versus a 20 minute walk in nature where you could see water, and the walk in nature where you could see water had a greater impact on mood than a psychotropic drug. So this stuff's powerful, and what we're saying is whether it's going to church, connecting with a group of people with whom you feel spiritual, a meditation practice, a walk in nature, painting, sitting and painting, doing a stupid puzzle wouldn't be it for me. Wow. Colette, stupid puzzle. I have to like, rag on you for the puzzle thing. Oh, my

Laura Bowman:

God, I feel so unloved. Oh, I

Colette Fehr:

love you so much, and I secretly am just jealous that you can do a puzzle, yeah,

Laura Bowman:

but it's that flow, right? It's that flow state that's so, so powerful.

Colette Fehr:

When you're in flow, everything feels good. You're you're above the mundane, you're out of your head, you're just fully present and alive. Find your thing or things that help you get into that. What's your thing? What's your thing for that? Okay, I love to walk. I walk with no music. I like to walk and think my my brain needs space to just be and I come up with my best ideas. It's part of my writing process. I like to look around. I play the little rainbow game where I notice something red, orange, yellow, yep, green, blue, purple. I think that's right. Just to make sure I'm present like I try to bring myself into the moment. I feel so alive and connected when I do that. I really love that, and then the other. And it's not about the splurginess, but like traveling, going to a new place, even if it's not like a big, fancy trip, seeking novelty of experience, where I can get curious about people and how things go in a place I feel really in the flow when I'm in those experiences. Yeah, what about you? Apple Tang is what

Laura Bowman:

I mean, yes, actually, I just love my brain feels very like in flow when I'm like, sorting rapidly. I can't I mean, maybe this my neuro divergent popping off, but I also, like, I love to paint. I just found this watercolor thing that I was doing that I had started like a year or two ago. I found it this weekend, and I was like, I'm gonna finish this. And I got like this whole artistic like thing going and I had, like, a bunch of things that I was working on spread out of on my coffee, like my dining room table. And I and my daughter said, I can tell you're happy because you're creating.

Unknown:

Oh, I love that, right? Creating, creating, creating. And I was like, Oh,

Colette Fehr:

that's right. No, that's beautiful. That's beautiful. And I'm totally teasing you about the puzzle. I think that's an amazing thing. I

Laura Bowman:

am so comfortable being me. That's the other thing Do you are you just comfortable with who you are at this point in life and like happy to be you well?

Colette Fehr:

And I think it's chicken and the egg, because the more you do these things, the more you get comfortable in your own skin. The more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more you prioritize these things. You know, I have to say, two things occurred to me as you were talking. One is, you have that same personality type as my younger daughter, and how she the same things that bring you to flow, bring her to flow. It's interesting. And then also for me, you know, that doesn't really do it for me. That's not really flow for me. I think it's new adventure. I think it's like exploration, yeah. And then, oddly enough, cleaning. I love to clean. Oh,

Laura Bowman:

my God. I didn't want to mention that, but I freaking love cleaning. If cleaning paid better when I would we need to run a cleaning business and organizing actually does

Colette Fehr:

pay? Well, I thought about it. Yes, oh yes, you can make a lot

Laura Bowman:

of money. Well, maybe I'm giving it all up because I can be in flow all the time. Listen,

Colette Fehr:

I thought about becoming, like, starting a business or doing house cleaning or something, as an alternative to becoming a therapist when I got divorced, did you really? Yes, I thought about it. Now, the problem is, I don't really. I'm sure you get used to it, but I didn't relish the idea of people's, like, gross things. But, you know, I didn't know if I wanted to, like, make that my whole life's focus, but or that I could stomach some of what would go with that, but I love to clean, and nothing makes me feel better like than satisfaction. Oh, then getting it's my satisfying. Oh, it's so satisfying. Everything, every surface, it smells good, everything's organized, and while I'm doing it, cleaning out my closet is my biggest joy. Flow state you just like,

Laura Bowman:

made that you made me feel normal for saying that, because I love it and it hits that, like sorting thing that I love from puzzles like I love to just like, organize very rapidly. I love it. I would hoarders call us. I would love to

Colette Fehr:

clean. Yes, this is our next job, after the five other businesses we're starting. You know what it is? Laura, too, on the puzzle thing, it's not that I can actually totally see why the puzzles are satisfying. What it is is that when the puzzle opens and it's a lot of pieces, yeah, it's so overwhelming for me, it doesn't feel fun. I feel actually, like, hopeless and like, I don't think the parts of the brain that help start to pay attention to detail and, like, make sense of the pieces. I don't have the personality for that, so I just get like, fuck it. I hate this. Like they all look the same. Get out of my face. Yeah. So Okay, all right, let's anyway. Okay, wait, so

Laura Bowman:

keep going, because I want you to take the next one, because, I mean, you're the relationship person. So tell us why. Yes, relationships matter.

Colette Fehr:

So this is obviously the hugest part. Well, not obviously, I shouldn't say obviously, to me at this point, the hugest part of happiness, it's been researched, studied and prevent is that relationships are the single thing that define not only how happy we are, but how long we live. The Harvard study and adult development, which is an 85 year plus longitudinal study on human nature and what happens over the lifespan, has found that our relationships are the single greatest source of satisfaction, meaning and enjoyment, and we know loneliness kills right. Loneliness now kills more people a year than heart attacks, smoking, obesity, all of it so and it's it's tough because we're at a time in life where, with technology and so many other issues, we're becoming more and more disconnected than ever as a society. And we can do a whole episode on this. In fact, I'm about to do a talk on this very topic. But for today's discussion, let's just focus on invest in your relationships. Does it really matter whether you have one person you feel close to, or 10, whatever. You're an introvert, you're an extrovert. You know you are who you are, but really put some effort and intentionality into maintaining those connections and spending time creating memories and being present with the people you care about who make you feel good, because nothing is going to boost your mood like that.

Laura Bowman:

I totally agree, totally concur. As an introvert, I still need my close people. I actually came from the university club this morning because I'm giving a talk there on Thursday. Yeah, and you know, it's, it's a place in Winter Park, that's for older adults, where they get together and they do all kinds of things. They have all these, like, intellectual groups. They have this library in there that I was like, Oh, this is so cool. They do, like, Mahjong, they do they have a science club. They do Tai Chi. And I'm like, I am so. Happy that a place like this exists because people need especially at that age, when they get older and their children aren't around, or all kinds of you know, people die you you need people, and they're there and they're spending time together. And I'm like, This is

Colette Fehr:

awesome. It's great. It's great. Yeah, it's community, and one of the primary ways to get more meaning, satisfaction and enjoyment, the components of happiness from your relationships, is to deepen the conversation. Yes, be present when you're with people. Put your phone away, tune in. Don't let the conversation settle on like. So how's it going, right or like? Talk about right your kids sporting activities or where they're going to college. That's all great. Share what's happening in your life, but talk about what matters. Open up, be vulnerable. Get curious about people. Learn how to really listen and ask follow up questions, because that creates connection, and that's what's going to give you that sense of like I'm not just floating around in the world. I'm connected to other people who matter, and I matter to them, and they matter to me, right?

Laura Bowman:

So we just kind of covered their friends and family, because he says, Faith, friends, family, we put that in the relationship bucket, and then there's one final bucket that he says is, like, super important. And that's work,

Colette Fehr:

okay? And we kind of talked about that,

Laura Bowman:

yeah. But I mean, I think work is I think it's awesome. I think it's crucially important. So,

Colette Fehr:

and this is tough for some of you guys listening, you know, depending on what you consider your work or what you do for work? There are so many people who don't like their jobs. There are some people who don't have a traditional job. So let's not think of this as just a career. This is like, what is your life's work, right? It's back to like, the purpose, yeah, and meaning, what do you? Do you just or do you feel like you're free, floating through space, killing off days that's probably not going to make you super happy. There has to be more than just drifting around or hedonistic pleasure, or conversely, a job where you feel like an indentured servant and you show up every day and punch a clock and you hate what you do? Yeah. So what do we want to tell people who are stuck? Some people feel stuck when circumstance, and not everyone's a therapist, where they feel like they're changing lives, you know?

Laura Bowman:

And I think with the work piece, I just put creative in front of it, like everybody should have creative work, and that's like, that can look differently, that can be cooking, that can be your garden, that could be, you know, your your writing, that can be anything. So you have your career, or you have the things you have to do, but then you should have creative work. Yeah, and that's super personal.

Colette Fehr:

I love that you said that, because I don't think it has to be your job. Maybe you have a job that you don't love, but you can't leave it for whatever. Yeah, maybe you will wonder, maybe it'll change, but there are circumstances that are out of our control, but then maybe work takes the form of a hobby, right? Maybe it's something you dabble in, maybe it's volunteering, but find something that feels like satisfying, meaningful work to you. Doesn't matter how big or little it is. It's got to feel satisfying to you. It's personal. Yeah, it's really personal. And I think the way to begin to find that, if you don't have that it's worth it, to take the time to get curious, that's where it really starts, and

Laura Bowman:

do an active dabble. And we've talked about that many times, right?

Colette Fehr:

But the active dabble just meaning for people who haven't listened, because that was our very first episode. I

Laura Bowman:

feel like we talk about that all the time, but maybe we don't. It's so huge.

Colette Fehr:

Like, yeah, you may have to be on a little bit of a journey to figure out, what do I actually give a shit about, right?

Laura Bowman:

Yeah. And that's that should be, that should be part of the happiness program too. Is that I agree? Every now and again you have to go into that phase, right?

Colette Fehr:

Because a lot of people will say to me, now that I'm doing so many things, oh, but you know, these are things you were meant to do. And you know you seem so confident and no and no. Maybe it seems like that now it didn't seem like it to me, and I spent about two years with absolutely no clue what else I wanted to do with my life, feeling like I needed something else for purpose and satisfaction, but not knowing what it was. And during that time, it didn't always feel comfortable. Remember that day that I said to you, I have absolutely no talents whatsoever. Remember that you said that to me? You don't remember that. When was that? Not that long ago, three years ago, four years ago, where I was like, you know, the bummer is, I wish I was somebody who had a talent, but I have. No talents, that's funny, right? And I just felt so light of issue, yeah, yeah. So the point is, it's a journey, and it might be that you arrive at, I don't, I don't know, something so like, you want to make little wood carvings in your kitchen and prop them on the window sill. It might be that you want to start a whole new career, you know, where you take a huge pay cut, but do something that's mission driven? Who knows? But whatever it is, give yourself permission to explore, because you may be amazed by what you discover about yourself that once felt impossible.

Laura Bowman:

And you know what I want to take us back to, just quickly, yeah, because we gotta wrap, we gotta land our plane here. I was typing up the risking, the risks of autonomy worksheet because I wanted to have it in a better form.

Colette Fehr:

Yes, and we're gonna have that on our website, right? Yeah, we

Laura Bowman:

Yes, okay, it'll be a download that you guys can get. It is so good

Colette Fehr:

insights from the couch.org right? We're gonna have a worksheet from today's episode and all the others, including this amazing thing Laura's referencing calling the risks of autonomy. Yeah, and

Laura Bowman:

it's this guy he writes about. Basically, if you do not like your life, it is your responsibility. So I think what goes along with happiness is accepting responsibility for your happiness and your life. Yeah, and that there's so much that you can affect and change and do if you're willing to kind of go through the process. Amen

Colette Fehr:

to that. Yeah. So focus on what you can control. Yep, stop beating yourself up and get curious. Accept what is there that you can't control because there's nothing you can do about it anyway. God damn thing, right? But what you do have agency over is your mindset, your attitude, your willingness to be an eternal student who is curious and open and exploring life, and you're going to look for those things that may come out of nowhere that you never saw coming, that light you up, that feel meaningful, that bring you to flow, that connect you with other people, and build more of that into your life. Because to some degree, happiness is a choice.

Laura Bowman:

Yes, it's hard to accept, but it's true. Yep, it's not going to land on you.

Colette Fehr:

You gotta go. You gotta make it happen. All right, let's wrap up on that note. So again, we will have a download with the nuggets of wisdom that all really come from Arthur C Brooks, professor at Harvard based on today's episode, and we've got lots of more worksheets and accompaniments to all of our episodes, including this very powerful piece on taking responsibility. So good you're gonna want it on your refrigerator. It's amazing. I had it on my refrigerator for like, 10 years. Yeah, yeah, everybody does have it. So check out our website, at insights from the couch.org,

Laura Bowman:

if you like what you heard. And I hope that you did rate and review our podcast. Give us a five star rating, tell your friends, send the episodes around. This is how we get out. And we hope you got a bunch of insights from our couch today. Take

Colette Fehr:

us. Thank you all for listening. See you soon. Bye. You.