Ep.54: Fired Up: Confronting and Healing from Sexual Abuse with Alreen Haeggquist

This week on Insights From the Couch, we sit down with the powerhouse attorney, author, and survivor, Alreen Haeggquist. From her deeply personal story of growing up in an abusive household to becoming a leading legal advocate for survivors of sexual harassment and assault, Alreen’s journey is a testament to the strength of the human spirit—and the power of owning your story.

We explore the long path from trauma to triumph, what it really takes to heal, and how acknowledging the past is the first step toward freedom. Alreen shares how inner child work, therapy, and using her voice not only helped her reclaim her own life but gave her the fuel to fight for others. This conversation is vulnerable, honest, and full of insight for anyone on a healing path—or supporting someone who is.

Episode Highlights:

[0:00] - Welcoming Alreen and an intro to her mission and groundbreaking legal work.
 [2:04] - Alreen’s early life: arranged marriage, family dynamics, and migration.
 [5:08] - The many forms of survival: escaping abuse through education and independence.
 [6:26] - Why bullying at school was more bearable than life at home.
 [8:29] - The breaking point: rage, motherhood, and the moment of awakening.
 [11:17] - Alreen’s first steps into therapy and realizing healing takes more than four sessions.
 [12:45] - A pivotal psychodrama experience: naming the abuse for the first time.
 [16:08] - The power of vulnerability and why speaking out matters.
 [18:30] - Connecting trauma to physical health and emotional wellbeing.
 [21:13] - Learning to feel again: inner child work and the journey back to the heart.
 [25:18] - Bringing personal experience into the courtroom to empower survivors.
 [26:33] - Breaking down sexual assault civil cases and how justice is pursued.
 [28:39] - Advocacy in action: educating teens and holding institutions accountable.
 [31:37] - Teaching kids to trust their gut and speak up.
 [34:28] - The first step to healing: acknowledge it happened and write it down.
 [35:58] - The complex family fallout of telling the truth.
 [39:45] - Secrets and silence vs. truth and generational healing.
 [42:58] - Why acknowledging abuse isn’t rare—it’s revolutionary.

Resources:

📚 Fired Up: Fueling Triumph From Trauma by Alreen Haeggquist — available on Amazon
🌐 Learn more about Alreen’s work and book at www.alreen.com

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Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Alex, welcome back everyone to another episode of insights from the couch. Today, we have a very powerful, brave and incredible guest on alrene hayquest, motivated by the pains of her childhood, she became a lawyer in order to stand up for victims of abuse, and founded her own firm, hey quest and E, C, K, L, L, P, in San Diego back in 2008 this firm has helped hundreds of women stand up for themselves, and she's challenged high profile entities like the Salk Institute, Trader Joe's, Kaiser Permanente, the San Diego sheriff's department and a president elect. We won't speculate on who that could be, but her message is that, as a society, we need to break the silence and help women stand up to their abusers. She is also the author of the powerful book. I just love. This book, fired up, fueling triumph from trauma today, we are honored to welcome alreen. Hey, quest to insights from the couch, and we have so much to share about how pervasive abusive is today, how we need to confront it, how we can do that, and how we start to get on the pathway of our own healing. So welcome alreen, thank you so much for being here. So maybe we could just dive right in and start with some of your personal story. I was reading some of your book, which is so well written, by the way, it's so captivating, I really can't wait to finish the whole thing. Thank you. Yeah, you did a wonderful job with it. And as you know, the personal story is what really brings it all to life and your mission, of course, but maybe you could even start with a little bit of the background culturally, what your mom went through with an arranged marriage, and how that shaped the messages you got. As you share with us, maybe as much of your personal story as you're comfortable with. Sure,

Alreen Haegquist: 2:04

I was born in Karachi, Pakistan, and I'm the youngest of 10 kids, and my mom, yeah, she had an arranged marriage when she was 16, and my dad wanted a big family. So by the age of 17, she had her first kid, and then just, you know, every year, kept giving birth to another one. And the only reason there was really, like a pause was because they were living in Burma. My father's Indian Burmese. He was born in Burma, and then he went to India, and he got the arranged marriage to my mom, brought her back to Burma. And during that time, it was under English rule. And so they, you know, life was great. All was well, but the country became communist, and so they fled. And from that point, you know, there was just trying to figure out where best to land. And so they moved to India and Pakistan. And during that time, you know, had three more kids. That's why there was gaps. Everybody else was like a year apart, and then there was like a sister who was seven years apart, and another one that was five years apart. Finally, from Pakistan, we ended up in the United States. So I came here when I was two, and we moved to the Los Angeles area. At that time, there was eight kids. Two had been married off already, and the rest of us grew up here. The older ones went to work, and the younger ones went to school. So I started school here. And when you're growing up, you don't really know, you know the difference between what your home and another person's home. So you know now and I as an adult, and can look back and see the differences. You know, my home was very abusive, like it was verbally abusive, it was emotionally abusive, it was psychologically abusive, and then we experience sexual abuse by my father. And again, like, you don't know what's going on, but you don't, nobody talks about it, right? My mom's seeing what's happening, but she's not saying anything. You know? My sisters know what. Like, I didn't know. They knew what was going on, but they were experiencing it, and they weren't talking about it, right? So it was, it was just became kind of the norm. It was just what the household was like, and I didn't know any different. But even at a very young age, I knew I wanted something different, like I didn't want that life, and I was able to see that from TV shows, right for me, it was the Brady Bunch that was like, I fantasized about living that life, yeah, and so that kind of, I guess, watching that on TV was those are the things I prayed and wished for as a young kid. I just wanted to be happy, and I wanted a family that was very functional and where your parents talked to you and you had conversations with them and and so I had that. And then growing up, I learned when I was in high school that I could move away from my house if I went to college. And so that really, like, propelled me to figure out, like, nobody had gone to college here. And so figuring out, like, you know, how do I apply for college? How do I apply for grants? So I spent a lot of time doing that in high school, and I. I was able to move out of my house at 18 and got away from my situation,

Unknown: 5:05

and they were supportive of letting you go. Well, yeah, because

Alreen Haegquist: 5:09

that was a like, they were so proud, right? They had daughter that, you know, was going off to college, and they could talk about it, right? Like, oh, I have a daughter that's, you know, going to college, and even now, like I'm a lawyer, my mom's really proud of the fact that I'm a lawyer. She has no idea what I do, but she knows that I became a lawyer. She's able to say, Oh, my daughter's a lawyer. So yes, moving away because I was going to college was okay. My other sisters, you know, their way to get out of the house was getting married, right? And so we each kind of found our way to get out of the situation. For me, I discovered that I could do it by going to college, and that's how I did my sister above me. I mean, she just ran away and she lived with another family, and then the other three sisters, no, four sisters all got married, and that's how they moved out of the house. So we all kind of had our own way of

Unknown: 5:58

escaping the environment. Exactly, yeah, and you said, so, I mean, the what you wrote in the book was so powerfully evocative when you described some of your experiences being bullied at school, like the ugly names kids would call you for being different, and that even as bad as that was, you preferred experiencing that than being at home,

Alreen Haegquist: 6:26

yeah, for sure. Like at school, you You left it and you didn't have this like, emotional connection to them. Like at home, it was your father and your mother, like, I don't know, and and you couldn't escape it was and it was very unpredictable, like, I didn't know when my dad was gonna rage out, right? And so it was that unpredictability of constantly, kind of living in this, like, terrified state of, like, Okay, what's he gonna do now, you know, or what's he gonna say now and again. You don't realize that you're terrified, right? Your survival instincts just keeping it all inside, and you're just trying to, you know, just for me, my survival was just like, be a good kid. If I'm a good kid, you know, everything will be all right. And so that's kind of how I, like, maintained myself, you know, trying to be good, trying to be good, not talk back, doing well in school, getting good grades, like, right? Not having, you know, not needing the teachers to call my parents, you know. So just being like a good girl. And I thought that if I did that, then, you know, maybe my dad, you know, wouldn't do the things he did. And that, you know, wasn't true. It had nothing to do with me and my behavior. So, yeah, so yes, despite all of the bullying at school, school was still like a happy place for me, because I you know, school came easy for me, and so the teachers, you know, were happy to have somebody who's in class who listened, who didn't talk back, who you know, did their work and, you know, got good grades. And so that was rewarding to me, despite, you know, the other kids and me being different and being bullied by them. I mean, that was the the easy part,

Unknown: 7:58

yeah, like, when does it occur to you, like, what point in your development does it occur to you to look back on this childhood and go, Wow, this was really, really, like, not good. And I mean, because I'm assuming you're moving like a fast, like, speed train here, like going to school, going to law school, like, it's just, like, succeed, get out, you know, make my life. What point does do you get? Take the insight and, like, look inward and go,

Alreen Haegquist: 8:29

Hmm, it wasn't until much later, I would say, like, when I'm, like, in my 30s, and really, when I, you know, after I'm married and I'm I had a kid for the first time. So it was really later on in life. And the reason being is, you know, when I moved out of my house and I got to college, I was at an all time high, like, I felt wonderful. I felt really good about myself. I made really good friends, you know, at the time my boyfriend, who's now my husband, so I just like, was fortunate to really find a really, you know, wonderful group of people that were very supportive. And so for me, I thought at that time, like, well, you've left that home environment, and things are well, so like, you've moved on, like, what else is there to talk about? And I should be grateful. I've gone to college, I've gone to law school, I've met good people, and so I should be very grateful for what I have in my life. Why would I worry about what happened in the past. And it wasn't until, you know, relate problems started in my relationship with my husband, and again, I, at the time, just thought it was him. It was all his fault, you know, and really zero self reflection on, you know, what I brought to the table. And it wasn't until we went to couples counseling for the for the first time, and you know, he told me during that session he was scared of me, and that, just like that was definitely a pivotal moment in my life, because I didn't realize and at the time, when I was like, I was becoming my father, right? I was this rageful person who would go off on him, and I I didn't know why, and still. When he told me that I didn't know, but I was able to become aware for the first time of how I was showing up. And then it wasn't until I had my daughter, like, a few years later. You know, people always talk to you about, you know, this is like, the best time of your life. It's so wonderful. You're so happy. There's a baby and her cries would like, like, pierce my skin, like I and I was like, uncomfortable, like, seeing her naked, like, because I was worried I was going to hurt her. I was so, like, terrified of hurting her without knowing it. And so that's what got me into therapy for the first time, was when my daughter was born, not couples counseling, but just like individual therapy for me. And when I got to my therapist, you know, I was like, Alright, this is what's happening. Like, you know, I want to feel, you know, when I'm around my daughter, I want to feel comfortable. I don't want her cries to, you know, Father me, I'll tell you what happened to me when I was a kid. And I think we can do this in four sessions, you know, if I knew every week, we'll talk about it four times, and then I will be on my way. Yeah, I'll be good, right? Like, what else I like exactly what you said earlier, like I was on a speed train, like I could figure stuff out quickly. So people said, go to therapy. Okay, I can four sessions of therapy. That's plenty, right? And he did the same thing. He laughed because it was comical to him, but I was really serious.

Unknown: 11:18

Yeah, we hear this from clients all the time, particularly successful, high achieving, intelligent clients are like, I'm here. Let's get it done. We'll chat about it good and even

Alreen Haegquist: 11:32

Exactly. And so obviously, that's not how it works. I still go to therapy as things develop, but that's kind of what started me on my journey is I wanted to be a better mom, and I wanted to be present for my daughter, and I wanted to experience her as she grew up. And so that's what really got me in, and that was really, I would say for the first time, where I started connecting what happened to me when I was a child was affecting how it was showing up in the present, in the present,

Unknown: 12:01

yeah, yeah. And I, you know, I was gonna ask you, too, if you're comfortable talking about this little I think our listeners would love to hear the experience you described in the book in the introduction, about when you were in trial attorney school and you went to the psychodrama class, and you had never because I know you're passionate about using your voice, which is also my passion, and so I was so excited to hear about the way you describe that, and maybe you could share a little bit about the epiphany that you had and that experience and how powerful it was for you to acknowledge what happened to you, sure.

Alreen Haegquist: 12:46

So Trial Lawyers College, the idea behind it is you can't really represent other people if you don't know yourself, right? And so it's a really a time where you get to know your your inner workings, so that you can understand the inner workings of your clients, and then tell their story. And so that's kind of the purpose behind it. And the reason I went to trial lawyers college was same thing, not for myself, but I wanted to be a better trial lawyer for my clients, right? Like for me, all the things I was doing was to help other people. I wanted to be better for them. And so that's what got me to trial lawyers college. They start off, and you do a whole week, and they call it psycho drama. And so there's a therapist, and you sit in a group of about 10 people, and everybody like reenacts a story, whatever they might be working through, and they reenact that moment of their life. And the the therapist you know, directs you of all the actors, I guess, and you put yourself in your shoes, and then you put yourself maybe in the harasser shoes or the abuser shoes to recreate that event. And so for me, you know, I definitely was not going to talk about, you know, the abuse by my father. I was going to talk about bullying, because that was, like, an easy one for me to go to, like I just always talked about, oh, I do the work I do because I was bullied as a kid, and I don't think other people should be bullied. It's a really easy answer. Stays on the surface. I don't gotta tell anybody. What happened to me was I was a kid, right? And so I went into that experience doing exactly that. And the therapist, when I was telling her about it, she just kept drawing it out. And I don't remember exactly how she did it, but yeah, it came out during that psycho drama about how my my dad would abuse me when I when I came home, and it wasn't just him. I had experienced abuse by two other family members, and that all came out in this psycho drama around 10 strangers who I never met, didn't know them, and it was really Emo, like I just was sobbing. I'm like, sitting on her lap with my head down, sobbing. And how I got from talking about bullying to that point, I don't know, but what was amazing about that experience I had never verbalized the fact that. Dad sexually abused me up until that point, until then, until then. I just

Unknown: 15:05

want to say how normal that is. Like, I think that people think that everything is so linear, and that, like, we carry these experiences and we unpack them, and we all we're so in touch with everything, but it happens like this, like happens years later, very often, where you look back and you're like, holy shit. And, you know, in these moments like so I'm not so I just want to normalize that for even for our listener. But sometimes it's not even until, like many problems, that women get back in touch with some of these things. But go ahead, I don't want to interrupt. Yeah,

Alreen Haegquist: 15:38

what I had been doing the rest of the time? No, no, I appreciate that. The what I had been doing the rest of the time was really just finding ways to push it down, right, like, push it away. It's not happening. Things are good, you know, stop complaining, and just really finding ways to push it aside, forget about it and pretend like it never happened, right?

Unknown: 15:56

And I think that is what most people try to do, because going into the pain feels counterintuitive, and you have all this external success. Yes, exactly, yeah. And I'll read you talked about in the book how being with this group of strangers and having other people open up and be vulnerable that some other student in there, reenacted, I think you said, with a mattress sexual abuse space. Yeah, it was,

Alreen Haegquist: 16:26

it was her step brother, and she experienced sex abuse with him. And really her opening up is what I think led me to open up, right? Because she was completely vulnerable. She exposed this entire moment, and it was like, Well, who am I to not open up myself? And that's kind of the whole point, right? When other people do it, it does allow you to open up yourself, which is, again, why I'm sure I've shared my story, and why I wrote a book about it, because I've learned how powerful it is when I do it, other people can do it, and I believe until you do it, you really can't be on the path to heal yourself from it and triumph from what happened to you.

Unknown: 17:03

Yeah, as you say this part right now, I just got goosebumps. It's so powerful that you're sharing your story so that somebody else might feel like it's okay for me to acknowledge what happened to me too, and that there might be not only the beginning of a pathway to healing, but just such peace and being able to say, this is what I endured exactly,

Alreen Haegquist: 17:29

because that's the other thing. So same thing, like, just like before, I didn't realize, you know, it was being triggered, and I was angry because of what happened to me in my past. The other thing that was going on with me was, like, I had all these physical ailments. I had this ulcer that wouldn't go away. And so that's the other part of it. Is like connecting the fact that what's going on in your physical body also is likely related to what happened to you in the past, right? And the more you fight against it, it's your it's your body, like showing the signs of what happened to you. And so that's another reason why I think it's so important to acknowledge what happened and and say something about it, right, not pretend and push it down, because your body is going to act up like, if you continue to do that, you're going to have some physical manifestations from it, right? Like all these autoimmune disorders, there's, like, so many diseases, and it's you have to start addressing what happened. Can't change it, you know, but if you start accepting it and acknowledging, like feeling it, that it happened, you're going to be able to heal yourself from it. So

Unknown: 18:31

yeah, we certainly see that. We did a whole episode on anxiety and how women tend to somaticize, and like we do, we pull these, this kind of trauma into our body, and it lives there until we deal with it. But I think it's so interesting that, you like, decided to be a lawyer, right? Like this pro social way of deal of getting justice, like, I'm going to serve clients, and, you know, be have that function in the world which we see people who've been traumatized, they become therapists, lawyers, animal rescuers, you know, children advocates like they they're trying to heal something through their work. But what you're saying too is like the real the real change there is like, when you can be vulnerable about that story, you actually become so much more helpful to the to your clients, to people listening, and it's so much it's healing for you and for them.

Alreen Haegquist: 19:25

Totally, yeah. I completely agree with that, yeah, and why? I think it's so

Unknown: 19:29

important, yeah, and that you had to really learn to in order to be able to relate to what your clients have experienced. It's not just the similar experience. It's really that you have to be in touch with your own emotions if you're going to be able to have empathy and understanding for anyone else's emotions.

Alreen Haegquist: 19:49

Oh, 100% like we've all had different experiences, but our emotions and the feelings tied to it are the same, right? And like, getting in touch with those, I think, is so important, right? Again, heal from it.

Unknown: 20:00

Right, instead of burying it, having it somaticize. And I thought it was just, you know, before we move into how women can start to have this more empowered journey abuse aside, you know, all the horrific abuse that you endured, I was really struck by something you said that I hear so often as a couple's therapist, that in your household, the only emotion that it was okay to show was anger, and that if you emoted or you cried, you were labeled a crier, right? This was seen as a derogatory thing when we know crying is the way the body regulates itself that you get back to baseline, through sadness, through the hormones excreted and tears, that crying is a beautiful normal thing, but so few people are taught that it's okay to express a range of emotions. So as you went on your healing journey, I'll read, did you learn to embrace the full spectrum of emotions. Do you feel more in touch with your feelings now and more communicative about them and your own personal relationships? Or is that still hard? Yeah, I

Alreen Haegquist: 21:13

think it's still hard. I think I'm still on on the path. So with respect to being more in touch with my feelings, yes, 100% I'm way more. I mean, I can feel my heart right, like, where I don't think I could feel it before, and I know that's odd to say, but I really wasn't in touch with, like, my heart emotions. And so for me, I really contribute that to doing inner child work. This was kind of this long lasting, and I talk about this in my book of, like, you know, the the my GI doctor, when I was having the ulcer, kept repeatedly saying that you need to feel your feelings. And I was just like, so annoyed by it, because they're like, What are you talking about? I'm really, I can feel this that I'm annoyed with you. You know, I don't know what feelings you want me to have.

Unknown: 21:57

Is that what you had in mind? Doctor, yeah, exactly. We've reached that, because you're pissing me off.

Alreen Haegquist: 22:08

But that was really like eye opening, like where she kept saying and I couldn't understand what she meant and doing in her child work, which, for your listeners who don't know you go back to a time when you were a child and really get in touch with those feelings that you had. So for me, it brought me back to the terrified little girl I was and my adult self telling her everything's going to be okay, right, which is what I didn't have when I was a kid. There was nobody there to protect me or let me know. You know we're going to keep you safe and everything's going to be okay. Yeah, that was like, I don't know another, like, pivotal moment, because there was a release of energy that I had never experienced before from that and that really got in touch with, like, what I was feeling when a situation arose. So for example, not only was I when I'm angry, like I can recognize when I'm angry, like my body is turning hot, right, like I can feel like the symptoms in my body, or when I'm expressing love, like when I'm around my daughter or my husband, and there's this, like, immense amount of love. I can feel it in my heart, you know, and how they're affecting me. And then with respect to, like, the joy, right? Like being present and feeling joyful, you know, when you're when you're you're having a moment with your daughter, she's talking to you. So, yes, I'm way more in touch with them. Expressing them is still, I would say, the journey I'm still at. It's really hard to express the love and happiness I'm feeling, like I'm feeling it, but I don't know how to express it to you. So I'm still working on that one. Yeah, and just like I talk about, you know, you got to write it out. I work on that like, I have to, like, write it, and I think that will eventually lead to verbally, being able to experience it.

Unknown: 23:47

I really appreciate you sharing that, because this is, it's a lifelong process, and that re parenting work that you did with your inner child, and getting into relationship with that part brings so much healing. But when you grow up in an environment where there's no safety ever and it's never safe to express any feelings and get a loving, caring response for doing so, you know it's no small order to recondition that into expression, right? It's, it really does. It's a lifelong journey. So I think that's really important for people to understand. I

Alreen Haegquist: 24:27

know, and I think, you know, in our culture, right, everything's instant. We expect immediate results, and we want everything to be fixed right away. And I was definitely in that place. But like just accepting the fact it's just a journey, and there's no end point. You're just going to continuously improve and get better throughout your life, right? And there's always going to be moments that you might feel a little stuck. You're like, Okay, I'm going to work through this one, but just having the awareness that you're even going through that you know is really going to propel you to the next, next stage of your life. So,

Unknown: 24:57

100% Yeah. So, so tell us. About, like, how you've taken this personal story into your work, and the kind of work that you do, the kind of women you work with, and I can't imagine how fulfilling this is in terms of, like, this feels like a real mission as opposed to just a job. Yeah, yes, for

Alreen Haegquist: 25:18

sure. So you know, now I really understand. So when my clients come in, you know, they have to, you know, tell their story, right and and then I gotta prepare them to possibly be cross examined about it right, like they're going to be telling their story and be going into the courtroom where somebody's going to be calling them liars, you know, telling them it never happened. And like being getting them prepared for that, and helping them to know that this is kind of what's normal, like this is what everybody on the other side does. And I think by me knowing how that feels, right, by letting out my story, going through the emotions of speaking it out. For me, I didn't have to be cross examined about it, but for me, it was letting it out when my family may not have wanted the secret out, right? So going through those emotions with my family, I can relate to how they're what they're experiencing, of, you know, sharing a story with, you know, their spouse who didn't know, or, you know, I've never told my dad, or, you know, my work people didn't know. So just, I think I'm able to relate to them, unlike a lot of other lawyers, because I've gone through the process, and I can say, Yes, I can understand those feelings, but it's going to be okay. And these are the reasons why are

Unknown: 26:27

these primarily sexual abuse cases, or there's like, some company stuff too, right? Yeah,

Alreen Haegquist: 26:33

let me just explain the work that I do. So when you've been sexually assaulted, right? So it could be in the workplace, or it could be out in public, okay? You can bring two types of cases. You can bring a criminal case, and that is where the prosecutor, you know, and the and the goal there is to get the person fined or imprisoned, okay? And then there's the civil lawsuits, where at the end of the day, you're seeking money, and money is how you're going to get justice as to what happened to you. And so I work in the civil arena. The primary women I represent are women in the workplace and then also outside, like if you've gone to your doctor or your dentist or one of you know an institution has sexually assaulted you cases as well. But at the end of the day for us, we're seeking money for the harm that you experience, and primarily because we all know that when you've experienced some sort of sexual abuse and sexual trauma, you're going to need some mental health care, right? Like that. It leaves consequences, and it's such a prevalent issue, but there's so many consequences, and so our goal is to get you money so you can get the help that you need, so you can heal from what what occurred. And so in the civil arena, the women that come to me right now, we've this is another area that gets me really fired up, especially because I have a daughter who's, you know about to turn 13, is young girls entering the workplace, right? And you know you're a high school student, you're going to get your first job and making sure they know their rights and what's allowed and not allowed in the workplace, right? Because if they don't have anybody to talk to or anybody to go to, there's this void of what's happening. And if they really, you know, they need to make money for whatever it might be, or they don't want to disappoint their parents, they're just not saying anything. They're just going to work and expecting this is how it is. And so we do a lot of work to make sure we can, you know, go into the high schools that will allow us to teach the kids of what's appropriate in the workplace, so that what they have their first job, they know what to expect. And then, two, you know, if, if these students are coming to us because they had a bad experience, we want to make sure we go against those companies to let them know that, you know, you need to have a better workforce like this is that's incredible.

Unknown: 28:39

That's great. And so it's so incredible because you're right back in the day. I mean, I'm just even thinking back to when I was young. There was so little discussion, and so many abusive behaviors were normalized. There was nobody paying attention to those things that I can remember in my childhood or talking about them,

Alreen Haegquist: 29:05

yes. And so we want to change that. So not only, like, make sure, you know, as a 13 year old going into that situation, but also, you know, the places that allow this, like, if you're going to allow, there's going to be consequences to it, right? Because it's not allowed, from like, a legal standpoint, it's not allowed. And so we just want to make sure we're enforcing the the laws around it. So that's what we do. Schools like those are hot, not hot, but yes, big areas where it happens, even though you want to believe it's not right, it's happening. Yeah, yeah. And having being able to have that conversation, right? Because even, like, with my daughter, you know, I look at her and I think she's such a little baby, right? But, yeah, she's going to be 13, and this is what she's going to be experiencing. So like being able to have that conversation with her, these are things that are happening. How would you handle the situation? You know it's happening. You know you don't need to go into classroom with the teacher and have the door closed, right, right? You don't need to go into situation. Where you're alone, teachers shouldn't be putting their hands on you, you know. And if that happens, what would you do? Right? And we have to be comfortable enough to be having these conversations with our kids. And if some parents you know aren't you know, then I think the duties of you know the schools, or, like I said, we're trying to do it by going into the schools, if they'll allow us. We haven't had much luck with the public schools, but the private schools you know, do like, want that information to their students. So

Unknown: 30:25

do you find yourself being like, overprotective, like having a daughter? Does it make you like? I have friends that are like, we're never going to send our kids to summer camp. This is never going to happen. Sleepovers are never going to happen. I know

Alreen Haegquist: 30:38

I I feel like I think that, and I have that, but then I also know I can't, like, control it that way. I think having the conversation with her so she's prepared to be in those situations, I think I'm going to do a better job if I have that, because eventually she's going to leave me. Eventually I will not be able to protect her and make her manage her life. Yeah, yeah, yes. So, you know, there is this, well, they're the adult, they're the teacher. I have to listen to them. And it's like, not always, right, right? Always. Have to listen to them, right?

Colette Fehr: 31:10

You don't have to betray your own instincts. Correct? Exactly,

Alreen Haegquist: 31:13

listen to your gut, which is what I always tell my daughter. If that's making you feel uncomfortable, then it probably is, and it's okay, you know? It's okay, right? Don't do it, you know. And

Colette Fehr: 31:22

it's okay to speak up when you're uncomfortable,

Alreen Haegquist: 31:24

exactly, and Bobby will support you. If you get in trouble, I'll be there. Don't worry, you know, exactly. But yeah, she's very worried about getting in trouble. And I'm like, You're not going to get in trouble, you know. And if there is any consequence, I'll be there to support you, yeah.

Unknown: 31:38

Oh, I love that. And I love how you're you're dealing with this on both ends, right? Really empowering individuals, and also trying to change the systems, the way we handle these things, what we normalize. It's such important work that you're doing, and I'm just so glad that people are out there doing this, people like you. Oh, thank you. And also so many younger people, if they haven't experienced anything aversive with someone, there's also just an innocence to it. They don't know what. They don't know about what can happen and how important it is to be educated and protect yourself.

Alreen Haegquist: 32:16

I totally agree. You know, we're not trying to put our kids into those situations, but at the same time, trying to teach them about those situations, right? Came up with me recently, you know, she couldn't understand, you know, why she's not allowed to chat with people online, you know? And she's like, well, you know, blah, blah, blah is doing it. And I'm like, well, that's okay. I don't want you to do this, because you don't know who's on the other end, right? There's a group that pretend to be a kid, just so they can start having conversations with you. And we don't need that, like you have plenty of friends, right? We don't need to have conversations with people we don't know. So exactly. So just kind of, I think having them understand the why that we might be, you know, being over productive or not letting them do something, I think really helps. Because after that, she was like, okay with it, you know,

Unknown: 33:03

yeah, you quoted that one in two women experience abuse. More than 50% of women experience sexual abuse, and more than 33% of men experience sexual abuse. And I hope I'm getting the statistics right? Please correct me if I'm not. Yeah, I mean, so this is

Alreen Haegquist: 33:25

and I think it's under reported. I don't even think those numbers

Unknown: 33:31

are actually right. This is a pervasive experience, and no one walks around with a sign around their neck saying they've experienced sexual abuse. It's so much more common. We know this as therapists. You know this through the work you do, but the average person doesn't realize. One if you're experiencing or have experienced this, not only are you not alone, but you're really in the majority. Men are experiencing this more than people have any idea, often and most commonly, it's happening with family members or somebody close to you. And so we need to understand this. We need to be talking about it. And I'm wondering, when somebody has experienced this, or is experiencing this, what would you say to our listeners about starting on this journey toward empowering yourself and healing. Like, what are the first steps in your mind? To me,

Alreen Haegquist: 34:28

the first step is really acknowledging that it happened. And we talked about this earlier on the podcast, right? Like, stop telling yourself it didn't happen, that you need to get over it. You know, like you want to forget about it, and I know you want that, but the first step is really acknowledging that this event happened. And then I always tell people, like, just write it down. Like, just whatever goes on, what's going on in there, about that event and moment in that experience, just start writing it down. Like you have to let it out. And I think until you let it out, it's it. You've. Then acknowledged it to yourself, like this happened. You know, some people are able to tell a friend or somebody that they know, but a lot of us aren't. And so I always say, just write it down and journal it. And I think that it's going to get you, you know, on a path to take the next step. And so I think for for women who are in it and haven't really acknowledged it, taking that first step and seeing where it takes them. And I know it's kind of what you're talking about earlier, is like, you don't want to you don't want to relive it. I don't want to feel a pain. I don't want to think about what happened to me. But I think by taking that first step, you'll see how you can, like, advance to where you want to

Unknown: 35:37

be. Can I ask you, though, like, what, what is the fallout with family? Like, I mean, is, is everybody else, like, you have a lot of sisters, are they, like, open to talking about this and acknowledging it does? How does, I don't know if your mom and your dad are still alive, but, like, how does it all fall out? You're telling this truth.

Alreen Haegquist: 35:58

So my dad passed maybe, like, 13 years ago. So my dad's gone, my mom's still alive, and my mom has done exactly what she's done my whole life, which is, like, we're just not going to talk about it, like, you know, in my, my mom's world, you know, he was a good father, and, you know, there was part I'm not saying he he everything he did in his life was horrible. I'm just saying, you know, the way he talked to us, and the things that he did wasn't appropriate or he shouldn't have done. But in my mom's mind, you know, he didn't kick us out, he provided for us. And she says this, like, well, everybody has problems, right? Everybody does bad things. Nobody's perfect. And it's like, I know, but like, can you just acknowledge what he did? Was it, right? You know? And he shouldn't have done those things, and I maybe should have said something when it was happening to you. I wish I would have protected you from it, right? She can't get there. And so with my mom, now, she doesn't really speak English, you know, she speaks Urdu, so we don't really talk about it. And I'm not expecting anything more from her, right? Because that's what she's done my whole life. So, and I'm okay with that. With my siblings, you know, some of them are like, upset that I've made this public, right? Because they don't understand why I needed to let it out, right? Like, we everything was fine, everybody was functional. You're letting out, like, what I call, like, the family secret, right? People had an idea of who we were, and you've now opened up it to the world to hear and see it, see it. So some of them aren't real happy with it. You know, what I I believe is that I think it's going to take time. You know, I've been working on this for a long time. I've had a lot of tools to address, you know, what happened to us and my siblings? I even though it's my story, you know, I've pressed it on them. I pushed it on them to, like, do something about right, like they weren't. They didn't get to choose the time when they were ready to let it out. And let it out for them. I didn't know how else to do it. I didn't know how else to tell my story without, you know, essentially telling a piece of theirs. But that's how it's been with the family. Some people are still really upset and not understanding why I need to let it out. I mean, my book came out in the fall of 23 and so I had last year was, it was a hard year, you know, because despite my family, you know, we did have get together. So I was invited to less things, you know, and there's been less communication with some of them. But I am telling myself, and I've come to peace with it is that it requires time. So even though it's been a year, it's really not that long when I think about the fact that I've been on this journey for, you know, over a decade, right? And so, like, I gotta give them time. And then I've had a lot of nieces and nephews, you know, who never knew about our family story, right? All the the next generation who had no idea why their parents, you know, behaved the way they did, and so I've had them thanked me, you know, for shedding a light on how their parents grew up, right? And why they might be showing up the way they are at their home, right? You know, for me, I wanted to, like I said earlier, like, wanted to do something different for my daughter, like I wanted to stop the generational trauma, because that's the thing it does. You pass things on of how I was going to show up, and I didn't want to do that to her. I think the nieces and nephews can kind of get an understanding of, hey, this is why my parents, you know, were rageful at these moments. Or right? A little bit more perspective, right?

Unknown: 39:15

And you know, it the only two big things I hear you saying as themes that are so true. Are, first of all, the theme that we know you're only as sick as your secrets, right? Secrets are so unhealthy in every way they manifest in the body. They destroy relationships. They're passed down to successive generations. And that also the only way out is through. You have to really to heal, you have to confront and acknowledge, and that's where it starts,

Alreen Haegquist: 39:46

for sure. And with respect to the secret piece, you know, it's like, Who are you trying to protect? I think finally, understanding that, like the only person the secret is affecting is you, right? Like you are only harming yourself. By keeping it, you know, and it's hard because it's different, it's change, right? And change is hard.

Unknown: 40:07

Well, what comes up for me when you say that is, like, Who is it affecting? Like, you know, it's like, it's the family's idea of itself, right? Like, it's very hard to challenge a family's idea of itself, like, and I think that people are so tempted to protect that, yeah, you know, true, yeah, yeah. Well, and also, I'll read you talked about how the way your mother was raised, and the cultural impact of, you know, the husband is seen as God. His Word is God, exactly. And I love this stood out for me in what I read in your book, when you said, you know, the way my mother saw herself was that it's as if she was a goat untied from her father and passed over to her husband, yeah,

Alreen Haegquist: 40:54

and that's how she would describe herself. You know, Have you

Unknown: 40:58

forgiven your mother, or or, or something

Alreen Haegquist: 41:04

with it. Maybe they're just accepted for it, for what it is, right? Accepted her, and, you know, I love her. I still talk to her. I've just accepted her for who she is. And like, like, the if gone work through this with therapy too, right? It's like the death of the mother that I always wanted, right? Like, she's never going to be that, and I can't expect that from her. I definitely did, you know, I definitely tried to change her and, like, you know, put her in the role that I wanted, but that wasn't going to happen, you know. And just, I think, just accepting that, the forgiveness piece, I've never really thought about it, just because it's, I didn't really feel like she had anything I needed to forgive her for anything. For me, it was just like just accepting the mother that she was Yeah, and I've definitely done that

Unknown: 41:49

yeah and acceptance is more powerful, really. It's coming to terms with what is yes and that you get to create something new with your family, exactly a real gift.

Alreen Haegquist: 42:01

I get to be the mom that I want to yourself too, yes, to myself,

Unknown: 42:06

right, to the little girl that still lives inside of you. Yes.

Alreen Haegquist: 42:10

So created that so and I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter.

Unknown: 42:14

You're also raising your daughter this way, and then you're helping so many other women find and use their voices, let go of shame, not be silenced, and to get justice. Because this is something that's happening that people, you know, everybody thinks, what I hear from people is that they think it's the rare case, right? They think it's the rarity, and really, if you're in a room full of women, the reality is the majority of that room has experienced, more than half have experienced sexual abuse of some kind in their lifetime, and we need to be able to acknowledge that and work to eradicate it.

Alreen Haegquist: 42:59

Yep, exactly, exactly. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm doing the work I'm doing. Well,

Unknown: 43:04

we're so appreciative that you came on today to share your story and the work that you do. And we I want everyone to read your book, because it's really it's so beautifully written, and I find it very uplifting and hopeful and empowering.

Alreen Haegquist: 43:23

Well, thank you so much. Thank you so much for having me on the show and having this platform for people to share.

Unknown: 43:28

Yeah, and before you leave us, can you share with our listeners how they can get in touch with you, where they can find you any links that are relevant, and, of course, information on your book too? Please, sure so

Alreen Haegquist: 43:40

you can find me on my website. It's allreen.com, a, L, R, E, E n.com and there's a link to my book fired up, fueling triumph from trauma as well. So you can find it at any available retailers, especially Amazon is a big one. Yep,

Unknown: 43:55

wonderful. Well, thank you so much for joining us and to our listeners. Thank you so much for being here for this powerful episode. If you liked what you heard today, and we hope you did, please don't forget to write a review and share this episode with a friend for whom this would benefit. We're so grateful to all of you for listening to insights from the couch, and we will see you next time you