Ep.66: Discovering Your Sexual Self: Sensuality, Pleasure, and Desire at Midlife

Hey there, friends! In this episode, we sit down with our fabulous returning guest, Dr. Juliana Hauser, to talk about her powerful new book, A New Position on Sex. Trust us when we say, this conversation is one you do not want to miss. Whether you're feeling disconnected from your sexual self, stuck in old beliefs, or just plain exhausted, Dr. Juliana offers an entirely new—and deeply empowering—way to approach sexuality in midlife.

We dig into everything from sensuality and sexual agency to what it means to feel vibrant, connected, and alive again—on your own terms. You’ll hear real talk (and plenty of laughs) about shame, societal expectations, pleasure beyond the bedroom, and why embracing your sexuality is not about performing for others. If you've ever felt like sex was just one more to-do item or wondered what it means to be a sexual being when you're just plain tired, this episode is a beautiful, validating starting point.

Episode Highlights:

[0:41] - Welcoming back Dr. Juliana and diving into her new book on sexual agency
 [2:23] - Why sexuality looks different for every woman—and changes with life
 [6:12] - The “quiet part out loud”: What women really feel about sex at midlife
[7:04] - How shame and comparison hold us back from sexual freedom
[10:52] - Pajamas, books, and sensuality: reframing what it means to be sexual
[12:27] - The crushing mental load that zaps our energy—and our libido
[15:07] - What’s the real point of sex? Dr. Juliana challenges us to find our “why”
[17:09] - Sexual energy as power, fuel, and a path to aliveness
[21:13] - From invisible to vibrant: reclaiming visibility through sexual self-connection
[27:38] - Dismantling the performance myth: what you want matters
[33:09] - What is pegging? (Yes, we went there—and learned a thing or two)
[36:19] - Exploring new sexual pathways with creativity and curiosity
[40:22] - The power of safety, self-trust, and saying no with confidence
[44:24] - Time is now: why midlife is the moment to claim your sexual agency
[46:59] - Where to find Dr. Juliana, her book, and how to start your journey

Links and Resources:

Dr. Juliana’s Website: https://dr-juliana.com/ 

The Revealed Lift: https://therevealedlife.com/ 

Dr. Juliana’s book: A New Position on Sex https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OoHcmzMbKAImZG501v6l1cNM_DCOKv19/view?usp=drive_link 

If today's discussion resonated with you or sparked curiosity, please rate, follow, and share "Insights from the Couch" with others. Your support helps us reach more people and continue providing valuable insights. Here’s to finding our purposes and living a life full of meaning and joy. Stay tuned for more!

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Transcript

Colette Fehr: 0:03

Marc, welcome to insights from the couch, where real conversations meet real

Laura Bowman: 0:07

life. At midlife, we're Colette and Laura, two therapists and best friends, walking through the journey right alongside you, whether you're feeling stuck, restless or just unsure of what's next. This is a space for honest conversations, messy truths and meaningful change.

Colette Fehr: 0:26

And our midlife master class is now open. If you're looking to level up, get into action and make midlife the best season yet. Go to insights from the couch.org and join our wait list. Now, let's dive in. Okay, we're here today with Dr Julianna Houser, our friend who we love so much. We're so happy to have you back. And today we're going to be talking about your new book that's just coming out now, a new position on sex and how it pertains to our journey at midlife as sexual beings, as women. Let's dive right into it. Welcome back. Thank you. I'm so happy to be back. We're so happy to have you. So tell our many of our listeners might have heard your last episode, Laura, did you see what numbers? It's episode 37 it's yucks, yums. And yes please. Great

Laura Bowman: 1:22

episode. Was so

Colette Fehr: 1:23

good that was, like, one of the most fun episodes we've ever recorded. So if you haven't heard it, go back and listen to that one too. And I want to get just kind of have you reintroduce ourselves to our audience, in case they haven't met you yet.

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 1:39

Yes. So I by by trade. I am a therapist, a marriage and family therapist, and licensed professional counsel also, and I am a sex educator, sex therapist, and so I fall into both worlds and and do work. Some of my work is truly just focused on sexual health and wellness, and others is solely on mental health. And there's lots of overlap between the two. Yeah, two.

Colette Fehr: 2:03

Yeah. So you have all the pieces to really tackle this issue. So tell us a little bit about we were chatting before we got on here, a little bit about what's really relevant for women, particularly at this stage, at midlife, about our sexual journey and our own personal evolution as women.

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 2:23

So a little like backing up a bit the book that that you mentioned is something that I've been working on and researching for 20 years, and one of the things that felt really important to me was that it was, it was a framework that no matter what your age, no matter who you were, no matter what your background was, any of your details that this framework was something that would fit for you and fit for someone who was sitting next to you. That was completely different. When I think back on I was 30 years old, when I started this research and started looking at sexuality, and I thought I was just so big and grown up, and I knew everything. And I looked back and like, Oh, you were a baby. You were just a baby in this and and I also think, wow, I would have never predicted a lot of what happened in these 20 years in my life, and a lot of what what has happened in the world, culturally, and who we are a sexual being, and particularly who we are as women. I never thought that, when I would be talking about this book, that there'd be so much happening in the world and and I also go out and think Never did I hear perimenopause or menopause in any of my training 20 years ago. I know it's still not even a part of our education. Now, for those who are becoming therapists as well as sexuality, and I know we've talked about that previously, that we don't have to have training in sexuality to become a therapist in most states and in most of our disciplines in the mental health world, which is just crazy in a lot of ways. So this book is it's really for all of us, and I did a lot of work over these 20 years to test it and to work with people and and what I found for women who are going through this framework, and the framework is really figuring out who you are as a sexual being through the lens of agency. So it is not a book that is prescriptive and saying, what is the right sexuality? What is the wrong sexuality? And it's not sex tips. I love those things, but that's I don't love that telling you what to do part, but I love i But what I want is, I want this to be and I think particularly for me, and I go through the framework myself every couple of years when I've done it recently, I realized, as in a woman, I'm 53 that it feels more important than ever to be doing things on my terms and and to be revisiting what is right for me as who I am as a sexual being, and the details, and I call them intersections in the book that. The intersections of relationships or life experiences or phase of life, is really different. And it it even is different from a year ago, as I've told you about before, a year ago, I had a hysterectomy. So if I had done this framework before my surgery, it would have been very different than it is now. And and to me, I feel like that's the beauty of the work of this book is I want women at this age to look at the framework of holistic sexuality as a place of hope and as a place of I get to decide what I want and who I am, and as we said before, our yeses and nos, our yucks and our youngs on our own terms, and that the framework is there for you to not feel alone, to have a guidance, but almost like a doula, instead of someone that's telling you what to do, but also not leaving it on your own, so that you don't have paralysis by choice you because that's a lot of what I hear from women is I don't know where to begin. I like what you're saying, like, it resonates. I want to do sexuality on my own terms. But what does that mean? Yeah, and, and, honestly, what are my options? Yeah, and this, this book, and the framework in the book is part of that.

Laura Bowman: 6:12

So I love this, but I want to just say, like, the quiet part out loud what I hear from women at midlife, and everyone's different, like, everyone's range of sexual how in touch they are with their own sexual being is vastly different. But the refrain I hear a lot is, oh my god, I just want to crawl into bed at like, eight o'clock be left the hell alone with my book. I like, have you know, maybe there's like, moments where I feel sexual, maybe that opens up occasionally, but for the most part, it's really not front of mind. And I mean, tell me why. For that type of woman, which I hear a lot, how does your framework speak to that woman, and how can she gets something out of what you're writing about in this book. Yeah,

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 7:04

and I love that phrasing, speaking, the quiet, that's that was really well, real stated, I and because also when you, when you said it that way, it really does speak to the shame, also that happens that it's, it is, it almost feels like a confession that when women are sharing, like, I really don't want this is like I feel okay with this being it, but is it okay, and is it okay that I'm in my pajamas, or what are they gonna be the side effects? Or should I be feeling something different? And so the the beginning of it for me is shame reduction is so important to know who you are as a sexual being, and you have to to try to release yourself of comparison, particularly you of your older self or your former self and and other peers. And then. And then, it gets tricky when you have a partner that if your sexuality, where you wanting to be, doesn't match with what your partner is wanting and where

Colette Fehr: 8:02

what I say, yeah, that's my office, yeah,

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 8:06

yeah. And it I, you know, in the couples work that I do too, it has to start individually to really understand, so that you know what you're offering yourself first and then to your partner. But life doesn't happen in a vacuum. So what do you do when you want to be in your pajamas and be left alone and read your book and you actually are happy, that's that's not Yum, but the world tells me that's not a Yum, or my partner says that's not a yum. Exactly underneath that is we are told and we're taught this because our sex education is horrific, that if you are a sexual person, you are having sex, and if you are not having sex, you are not a sexual person. I'm so glad you said that. Yeah, that's not that doesn't resonate with me. It doesn't resonate with the work and the studies and the research that I've done. So this framework, I think, provides a lot of healing for that sentiment that you don't have to be involved in sexual acts. In order to be a sexual person, you have to be breathing. And if you're breathing, you are inherently, by birth, right, a sexual person. And and I when, when I work with people who are saying that, I think oftentimes it is, it's a relief that talking to me isn't going to be a pressure to be involved in sex acts. And when the pressure is taken off, and the judgment is is removed, and we named the shame of associated and judgment associated with that, then I think, okay, so, so let's rework and reframe what it means to be a sexual person, yeah, and let's unlearn what we've been taught horrifically in our sex ed, or the sex ed that we didn't get. And let me tell you what I think this is, what I think a holistic sexual being is. And I introduced the nine pillars, and the first one is sensuality. And we talked about this previously, and I've just found that to be a real place of. Of a really beautiful entry point and and so if you're sitting there in the most comfy pajamas, then you are being a sensual person, which is sexual through your sensuality. If you are loving your book, you're making choice by agency. It's you're having a yum and pleasure filled so you are a sexual being who's involving the pleasure in that, and I like to to ride off of the pleasure and the yeses and the things that are feeling naturally yummy to you and and then we go through the other parts, and it involves sex acts. And we'll talk about so is there any place that you do feel like a sex act with yourself or with your partner is a young Right? And, and there's a reason why it's halfway through the pillars, because it's not where we should start,

Colette Fehr: 10:52

right, starting with the sensuality so and also, you know, as I'm listening to you talk about this, and Laura your question, because I hear the same thing, and I go through some of that. I mean, I think there's a couple of different pieces for women that if we're willing to go on a journey of exploring and just being curious, without pressure and without shame, about what lights us up, what makes us feel good, where we find our sexual energy, and whatever that looks like. Yeah, I think there's the woman getting in bed and her pajamas, wanting to be left alone, who feels like, you know, I still feel sexual, but I don't really want to be sexual with my partner, and that's a very difficult bridge to cross, because there's something going on in the relationship that's interfered with attraction to that person, but maybe not necessarily any everyone else. So she's shut down in that way because she doesn't really want to be physical with her partner. And I hear that from a lot of women, you know, people in long term marriages for a variety of reasons, disconnection and more. Then I think there are people who are women who are so overloaded by the mental load, the the emotional toll being in the sandwich generation. Many women at midlife today have young children, children in high school, children younger than high school. There are women in their 40s with kids who are 236, years old, they have aging parents.

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 12:24

Yeah, my right, right? 11 year old, right?

Colette Fehr: 12:27

They're they're taking care of aging parents. They're working demanding jobs. They're raising children. They feel like they're still doing the lion's share of the social and emotional labor at home. So by eight o'clock, it's like everyone can fuck off. I am dead. I

Unknown: 12:45

read my bio,

Colette Fehr: 12:47

right, right? My sexual energy, it's in there. But I am so tired, I don't even have time to connect to that. And then I think there are the women who maybe that's not what's going on. They just don't feel particularly sexual. They're at that phase of life, perimenopause or menopause, where the libido is lowered. They feel very content to just read the book, whether they're tired or not. And sometimes I fall into that, like it's just a delicious pleasure. So I think there's a couple of different pieces to what can contribute to this, but I see a lot of women going through forget even the hormonal stuff, I've kind of shut myself off sexually, because I feel like I have to, like maybe my marriage, or my partnership isn't that great, or I'm single, and I don't I'm dating, and when I date, I feel like I'm put Through the emotional ringer. And these men or women or people out there I date like don't feel safe, and so it's just easier not to want and to shut myself down. So I think there's so much working against us in this beautiful journey of opening ourselves up sexually. I could see a lot of women saying, I'm afraid to open myself up sexually, because who will I enjoy it with? What will I find like? Will it work for my relationship? Does that make sense?

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 14:10

Oh, absolutely, and. And I think hope can be a very scary door to walk through. Yes and, and when you hear someone talking about the possibility of having a sexual life on your own, in a relationship with yourself sexually that is fulfilling and wonderful and vibrant and important to do, it can it's, it's, it's what I experienced at conferences. People run to me because they're interested and they really want to understand what that feels like. Or they're like, Oh, nope. Like, I don't want to get near you. Like, don't, don't you get that stuff onto me. Like, I'm happy and content. Like, don't, don't influence me. And thinking that, because it's hurts too much to have it not happen, or it feels like the hurdles to get to where I am to what you're talking about is so far, yeah. Said,

Laura Bowman: 15:01

what it but

Colette Fehr: 15:01

what is, I'm like, say more about this whole, like, sexual life with yourself.

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 15:08

You know, I often talk about that. Yeah, I'll ask people, is it couple that I'm working with, or someone, individually, a version of this question, which is, what is the point of sex? And I say sex because it's the starting point, but what I really mean is, what is the point of who we are as a sexual being? But that's often a little too wordy for the first part of it. And what fascinating answers that I get, but it's almost always if we could pause at how you both just reacted to that question. That is what I get over and over and over again. I wish I could have a montage of 1000 people going, like, Huh? Like, I don't know, because we're not asked about that. And so you go to, most people go to like, well, procreation, even though we know it's more than that, or to have an orgasm, you know, whatever, but it's, it's usually that's about where it lands. And those aren't wrong answers. But if, if that's what it's about, and especially if, if having children isn't on the table, or it's no longer of interest, and you're past that point, then you're like, well, so then it's about pleasure. And if my partner sucks in bed and I just haven't no or they're not good more, they're having issues that aren't good, or I don't like my partner anymore, or I'm not partner, and it's not a possibility, and I love my sex toys, but you know, we've, we've had a long relationship, and you know that's stale too, or whatever it is. If that's the only value, and I'm not devaluing pleasure and orgasm, but that's it, then I get why a book or avoidance feels like it shouldn't be a you know, the sex isn't who you are as a sexual being isn't a priority. So I everyone has to get to their why, yeah, and, and my why will be different than or slightly different I would imagine from other people's whys and, and, and that is okay too, but I think it's also a pretty scary thing when I sit there in silence, in patience, and say, well, let's, let's sit with what is the point of this? What's the why? I'll go,

Laura Bowman: 17:10

this is like, you know what comes up for me? I read this book years ago. It's an oldie but goodie, self help book called Think and Grow Rich. Have you guys heard of this by narc in Hell, yeah, it's an old, it's an old one. He talks about sexual energy in there. It's and as a fuel source. And, I mean, I'm assuming that this book was written for man, but I remember it hitting me like, Oh, that's right. Like sexual energy. And I'll, and I'll speak for myself, has always been and I think it was so much easier for me to access when I felt younger and maybe a little sexier. Was like that? It I was led into my own power. I was led into my own sense of aliveness. We talk about being alive a lot on this podcast, and it's that it's this current of energy that is your own sense of sexiness and aliveness. And when I have my best sexual experiences, I get led into that, yeah, yeah. But I mean, I feel like, for me, and I'll just out myself, is that it was synonymous with me feeling a little hotter. It's about my relationship with self. Yes, it's a little bit less about my partner. It's a little bit more about my relationship with self. And as I don't feel a little hotter and sexier, my ability to access that current slows down.

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 18:43

Beautiful answer. So the thread I would pull is, you know, how do we define and describe that current? I love that wording. And what does that look like for you? How does that feel in your body? When is it outside of sexual activity? Where do you feel it? What can you feed it? A lot of times, is creativity. When you're creating something, you can you feel there's a similarity to it that you can pull from it and starting on your own. And what, what does it mean to feel hot? And what's your relationship with your body? What's, how are you defining like I have this workshop that I love called Finding sexy, and what does that mean for you? And what is the spark and vibrancy in your life. I love it. Yep, that's that's a great answer. Or no,

Colette Fehr: 19:25

yeah. I mean, what I was gonna say is vibrancy so similar, but not exactly what Laura is saying in terms of like that, but I agree with you, like the sexier you feel. I think it's like a chicken and egg thing. You know, you feel sexy. You want to have sex more. You have sex more, you feel sexier. But I think, to me, what I landed on with the point, of course, as a couples therapist, the first thing I thought about was connection, that, like the point of sex is connection. And I'm not saying all sex is that has to be that kind of sex. You know, Sue Johnson distinguishes. Between the different types of sex and her book hold me tight and like you have this synchronicity sex, and then there's sometimes there's just sex for pleasure. So I'm not saying it's always that, but it's a huge part of sex, for many couples or even experiences, is feeling connected to somebody else, but I think the vibrancy of feeling alive, and I agree, as an energy source and a way you feel about yourself, like to me, it is a part of health and wellness is continuing to be a sexual being, which I also agree and appreciate your distinction about doesn't necessarily have to be connected to sex acts. You know, it is enjoying life, feeling your sexual energy, feeling hot and sexy even when you're in your 50s, like I am, instead of, you know, only feeling hot and sexy when my skin looked different and my body looked different, right? So, so I think it's, it is, it's being connected to your life force,

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 21:13

yes. And so, life force and, and I would use similar wording too, of so we when you start with so what is this that we're talking about? What is the point of this? What's the value of this? If you can get through your answers, and if we had 10 more people in here, we'd have overlaps, and we'd have differences, and, oh yeah, that's part of my answer, too. I hadn't thought of that. That's great, which is another reason why it's so important to do things like this and have conversations like this, because part of what the problem is is that we don't talk about it in any kind of evolved, deep way, and we don't talk about in the context of it's a deeper knowing of you that we're sharing my answer, or it sometimes varies, but in essence, it's connection to but it's it's also a lot of times in my life, I'm the anchor for other people, and I, you know, the holder of space for others. And when I'm really tuned into who I am as a sexual being, I release that. And for me, a lot of my whys and how I get tuned into who I am as a sexual being is really allowing myself to be held, either literally or figuratively, and and allowing myself to be seen and heard as a therapist, some of what we are taught in our training is to to remove ourselves and who we are from the interactions, not always, but for some of it, and And so who I am as a sexual being allows me to take the invisibility out, and I'm allowed to be more visible in that way, which brings me vibrancy and, and sure, I mean, like it feels great when you've had a wonderful sexual encounter, and I'm feeling wanted and I'm feeling seen and, or I'm able to express that to somebody else too, that to me, that that does bring like a synergy that feels really good. But I've learned, and I've only learned because I have. I've decided it's important because through my work and I it's inescapable that your sexual health is a critical part of your overall wellness, and there is science to back that, but there's also psychology to back that. And when, when we start having conversations about sensuality or pleasure, or we're talking about things that don't sound, you know, really inherently sexual, like we've been taught, we'll have this jolt of like, but that's not sex, that's not sexual, that's not whatever, and it's just an unfortunate unlearning that we have to do. And like in the book, I'm saying this kind of over and over again, giving, you know, giving permission, giving examples. I give personal stories. I give client stories that they've given me permission to to share and say, like, I'll go first. This is just mine. This is just my version of what connection looks like. This is just my version of what pleasure and desire is. This is someone else's and, and what's yours and, and I really try to give a lot of permission, of I don't know is a valid answer. It's just, what do you do after? I don't know, and I want to give encouragement to follow up with I don't know. And also in in, in the process of unlearning, there's going to be that ambiguity of like, I think, I think I get a new concept of what this looks like. I think I get what they're talking about and and not settling with someone else's answer, but really deciding, like, what is it? How this is important to me, is very valid. And if you're partnered, really, you know, hoping you have a partner who will go along that endeavor with you, right, and will find their own. An agency, and then you hope that magically, what you want overlaps and makes a lot of sense and and that you can be curious and excited together because, because what I've seen over and over again is once, once somebody, and I work with all genders, but in particularly talking to women about this, if you can get over the hurdle, if there is a hurdle of figuring out who you are as a sexual being holistically, I have never worked with somebody who is like, Well, that wasn't worth it. You know that that was disappointing. That was a whole bunch of nothing. And and I have had people who, at the end of this this framework, have are having less sex, less like, number wise, it's less sex, but it is more aligned and pleasure filled sexual activity for them, which is fabulous. So again, like the this book or my goal isn't to have people having more sex. It is to know who you are as a sexual being. Because when you know who you are as a sexual being, and you are enacting and all of these pillars authentically and truthfully, then all of your connections with yourself and with each of these topics, and then with other people are so much more valuable to who you are, which feeds your vibrancy and your authenticity. And then you have this energy of it either falls into the like you know, the you know, the trend with Melanie right now, if we don't give a fuck, it either goes into that like, I love who I am and I just don't give a fuck anymore, or it goes into like, I really give a fuck now, and I am going to protect this part of me and who I am and I'm good, and I feel I feel good in my new skin, yeah, and that's what has happened to me This year, is that I've had to really figure out who, who is the new sexual person that I've become through through instant menopause and and it took me a while to get here, and I know that if I hadn't done this work before, this year would have felt incredibly scary, instead of a journey, that I had a lot of self trust, because agency builds a lot of self trust, and I do so much work in agency with people and in my own work, that when I felt lost, which I did feel lost some this year, I didn't feel lost and untethered. I felt lost in not having my answers, but I I had a belief in myself I'd get to the answers and and that I knew when I, when I when I can course correct. I know what agency feels like, and I know what sexual agency feels like, and That's home. That's home to me. I want that for for everyone,

Colette Fehr: 27:38

right? And figuring out what it looks like for you at your stage of life, like what brings you pleasure and joy and a sense of aliveness, we're kind of redefining what it is to be a sexual being. And I think one difference for a lot of women at midlife, and maybe a lot of us are still on this journey, or maybe it's a never ending journey, but there's so much for women in conditioning, about sexual performance and having to please your partner, and the focus being on that right? The focus of sex is on orgasm. It's on completion. It's on being titillating and arousing to your partner and behaving in a way as a woman that's sexual, that conforms to a very, at least historically pornographically driven ideal of how women should behave sexually. So there's so much conditioning in your younger life, and you're so rewarded for behaving in those ways. And I'm I'm speaking about more of heterosexual relationships, because that's been my own personal experience as a heterosexual woman. I'm sure these are these dynamics appear in some fashion for people in all kinds of relationships. But just speaking to my experience and what I hear other women saying that at midlife, I think, with the reduction of estrogen, the exhaustion and the confidence that comes for a lot of us, of knowing who we are, more knowing our worth, not having so much of it tied to male approval if you're heterosexual, so now there's less desire to like dance around and perform like a porn star, and make sex all about that which it shouldn't have been in the first place. And now it's like, okay, there's this vacuum. Like, if I allow myself to be seen and to let go of just holding space and to let go of performing what actually turns me on? What do I like? Right back to the yums and yucks. Like, what would it be like to just be present in the moment and learn, for some women, maybe for the first time at this stage of life, what actually is pleasurable to you? And like you said, hopefully, if you're partnered, you have a partner who wants to be on that journey with you, but I think for. So many women, it's so deeply ingrained that sex is a performance, and it's about giving pleasure to that other person, and then you've, like, done a good job. Now you can get in your pajamas and read your book because you've taken care of that task. You've performed well, it's over, and now you're left in peace. So this is really the opposite of all of that, of saying like, Okay, what am I and what do I want to be, and how do I feel alive if I'm not catering completely to what's expected of me by society, by a partner, by my old beliefs, my old outdated beliefs. It can be a big unpacking and a big shift.

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 30:47

It can be and again, going back to your WHY it there's there's, there not a lot of spaces in which to do this kind of work. People who do the work don't often talk about it, so you're just not like sitting around for girls night or for coffee, although I always encourage people to do that, to share it and to make to normalize those conversations.

Colette Fehr: 31:09

I also girls a girls sex party entry.

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 31:13

Yes, I love doing those. Those are some of my favorites. I also think there's not a lot of space to celebrate. And I think one of the things that happens, and I try to do this in my framework and work that I do, is just like we have on one side, the continuum of like, mourning and grieving, perhaps our past sexual selves or what we what we the disconnect between where we are and where we want to be. There's also the continuum of like, sometimes when you when you get partnered or are married, the rules become you can't talk about your sex life at all anymore. You can't talk about problems because that's disrespectful to your partner, right? And you can't celebrate and be like, we just have the best sex life. Not you kidding, but you can't do anything at all. It becomes even more secretive in a sacred way that's different, which then really is, is really not good for our sexual culture, or for our continued sex education, because we have to have sex education through our lifespan, because it's constantly changing. Yeah, so I like to give space for celebration, and sometimes that starts with and I know I so I talk so much about yucks and yums, but it really is such a pivotal part that if you don't have that building block is, is one of the first steps that you know, to do, then it's really hard to build upon anything that is going to be substantive and authentic. I love it. I love it when, again, we'll just speak about women, but I love it with all genders. When someone says, okay, you know, I would really like to, I think I want to peg somebody or whatever. The thing is, I can't

Unknown: 32:45

believe I said it like, what do you think? Fabulous, great.

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 32:51

Know about it? You know? What do you think about it? Like, did you just see it in hunting wives, they did a scene. It was great. Like, whatever it is and whatever it again, I'm not trying now. I'm not trying now. I'm not trying to be to go the opposite and say, now we're just talking about sex acts. But there is a point that we we do talk about sex acts. It is one of the pillars.

Colette Fehr: 33:09

And wait, Juliana, what is peg pegging? It? I don't, I don't. So shame me for not knowing what

Laura Bowman: 33:20

pegging a little more creative with yourself.

Colette Fehr: 33:24

No, I don't want to be more creative with my remember we talked about fisting last time I learned what fisting was in our episode on the yums and yucks. But I don't know what pegging is

Laura Bowman: 33:35

great, and sure, I could define it either, go ahead, Juliana,

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 33:39

remember we welcome, I don't know. And those

Colette Fehr: 33:41

Yes, fabulous and being curious and learning, yeah, learning

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 33:45

and figuring out something is a no for you, fabulous, we celebrate all of that. So pegging, there's, there's different kind of, different forms, but in essence, it is using, like a strap on a dildo and and performing anal sex that way. And the typical stereotypic definition is a woman wearing a strap on dildo and pegging a male and having sex in their anus.

Unknown: 34:13

I don't know what it is. Women

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 34:17

can do it to each other. I mean, like, there's all different things. There's different areas.

Colette Fehr: 34:20

Sure, you can take your dildo into lots of locations, lots of No. And I think if that's your thing, I am all for it. I have a visceral yeah to that. I don't Yeah, like, that's just not for me. But I think that's the knowing, right? Like, I felt an immediate knowing in my body. And it's not I could feel a difference from I have no judgment about it, truly that, like, if you want to do that, I just have a visceral like, ooh, that wouldn't be a turn on for me. So I think that's even like, the point of this is that there might be something you've never heard of that your body just goes. Goes, Oh, that is kind of like I feel a little bit aroused by that, or intrigued by that idea, or your body goes, Yeah, nope, no way. Like, no matter what conditioning and happened in society, if suddenly every house was pegging, people were petting in public, I would be the one non pegger, right? So I've learned that, just like I learned I don't want to fist. I think what I'm learning is I'm just not like, an anal per like, I'm not interested in the anal area. Yeah,

Laura Bowman: 35:31

I'm glad the world knows that now I'm okay with that. What's coming up for me, and we've talked about it on other episodes, is that women, and I'm guilty of this too, is like we press the same buttons, we have the same pathways. We have the same pathways sometimes to feel sexual. We have some of the same pathways to orgasm. And when those pathways either no longer work, no longer hit the same or we lose creativity. Yeah, and like, the door closes. So, like, I love the permission structure you're giving of, like, can we be creative? Is there, like, is there another way to feel alive, to get into your sexuality, to play? And, yeah, yeah, it

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 36:19

is. It's that that beautiful relationship between what the what happens inside the bedroom, happens outside the bedroom, outside inside that that that stereotypic phrase, and it's actually something I think is quite powerful, if you're using different terminology with it, is that I think it informs, so what is overtly sexual can inform what isn't, and what isn't can inform what it is, or overtly sexual and and I also think in the permission it is to give yourself, to give yourself the ability to change, and to give yourself the ability to be constant in that. So an example, I'll go back to pegging the I love just saying that just casually,

Colette Fehr: 36:57

yes, let's keep talking about pegging part of becoming

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 37:01

certified in a sexual educator, counselor, therapist through this organization called ASAC is that you have to go through this course called a SAR. And when I did it the first time, it was 2005 and the they could all be different, but it was basically two days of watching porn, but there was a pegging scene and and I remember it distinctly. It was the only thing that I saw that I was like, Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. That's this doesn't turn me on. And I didn't have a lot of words as to why it was a no, but I said things like, oh, it just doesn't feel masculine to me. And when I look back on what I said, I was like, I'm a bit horrified by by what my viewpoint was, but I'm proud of myself for owning what was a no for me, and I knew what I knew of myself, and I was the only one in the group that didn't think it was sexy. I check in with myself and think so. 20 years ago, this was visceral no for me, and it is no longer I no longer had that same reaction. And that doesn't matter. It wouldn't matter if it was the same now for 20 years or not, or what the sex tech we're talking about, but what, what I loved in my own self reflection was that I it was so natural for me now to check in with my yes or no to that, and it wasn't back then, and that's the growth for me, not the answer. It's right? And that's how the book is like. It's It's the process, not the destination, right? And who we are as sexual beings, whether it's about a sex act or about where you are conceptualizing yourself as a sexual being, right? I'm just asking everyone, please do not overlook that the process of examining who you are as a sexual being is, it's not a luxury. It's really a necessity. And if you are going to be focusing on your who you are in your overall wellness, and you don't address who you are as a sexual being, then you are missing a huge piece of who you are and and it's, it's a shame, and we're having a lot of, I think, consequences in our relationships, in our bodies, and culturally, because we

Laura Bowman: 39:07

are, yeah, I mean, what's coming up for me, as you're saying all this is like, now we've culturally put everything on the buffet and says, like, go through the buffet, take what you want. You know, pegging is a thing. People do it. If you are into it, play with it. But I think a lot of women, I know a lot of women, are like people like me, do X, Y, Z, people, you know, people like me and so like they their sexualities are very walled off. And it's like they're not even willing to sort of see the buffet they're like, no, no, I'm the type of person who I see people with those rigid identities in all kinds of areas, but I don't think a lot of people let themselves go through the buffet line. Is what I'm

Colette Fehr: 39:56

saying. Right? I agree. Right.

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 39:59

No. Yes, no, they don't even walk into the buffet room,

Colette Fehr: 40:02

right? Order off the menu the same thing they've gotten at that restaurant and that like, right?

Laura Bowman: 40:07

That's salad with chicken on it. That's what I asked Yes,

Colette Fehr: 40:11

and it's and it's like, there's a whole buffet in there. What if there's something in that buffet that you love, that you wouldn't even know if you don't explore with curiosity,

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 40:22

right? And I when and when I encounter that dynamic, where I like to go is safety and and because I think what that feels like familiarity feels safe, yeah, and something new does not feel safe. And so I like to explore outside of a sexual context. How does somebody try new things? And I don't want to make them wrong, because there isn't anything wrong with room service or doing, you know, the same chicken touching every single time at Friday nights like I get, I get that too, because I also don't want to to say that, you know, hanging from the rafters and doing X, Y and Z is, again, the right kind of sexuality. I'm just asking people to ask and, and if, and if you have the No, understand what your no is. I love doing this discussion in groups, because I think there's a lot of power and growth that can happen when here we just three of us, and I was, I think we may have three different views on some things, and, and it's so powerful to be able to say, Oh, this is me next to someone who's like, that is not me. And we're all like, cool, right, right? And it's all good. We're not. None of us are wrong, right? And maybe we can learn something or or, you know, again, like, I think some of the most powerful places have been when someone is being has said yes to something for so long, and they finally say no, and they and they, they, they don't go into that room anymore. I think that's just as powerful and so again, like it's, it is question with curiosity, not judgment, the reasoning behind your yeses and nos if you are in any way open to the process of examination, then, then step, make that first step, just even if it's just a toe into it, and find other safe people to have those conversations with. And that should be curiosity. It should be celebration. It should be saying no to things. It should it should be a whole buffet of options for yourself. And I think it's also, or at least for me, like, you know, I love I ask people to to have, like, a fuck it list and, and a fuck it list of, and I know it's playing on the words of it being sex but I like when we go through all of the nine pillars, like, what is your dream list for all of this? And this is something we were talking about before we started recording, which is in midlife, the time is now, and a lot of things. And I know I think about that for my physical health and my Hormonal Health and my career, I also do that for my sexual self. Now I do hope, if I live a long life, I hope that I, you know, at 90, am still sexual, or still whatever I whatever that means for me at that point, I still feel that, I hope that I'm sexually active at some point. But I I also feel like there is, there is a limit, or there limitations that come as we're aging of who we are, as our sexual selves? And there are, like, I just, I've been, I've moved, and so I've been packing and unpacking things, and I found this box, and I found this picture of me in a bikini, and I was like, Oh God, I did not appreciate that body. I Why didn't I take a better picture of myself and that? And, you know, like, that was too far away. Like, I would have just like, stood front and center for that picture now. And then I was like, oh, Jillian, like, what are you doing with your body right now? What are you thinking about that? And, you know, I went through the whole, the whole conversation and, and maybe think about now, because in that same day, I had a conversation with a woman who's 15 years older than me, and she's like, you know, I hear you talking about, you know, the time being now and is times to do these things in your career and who you are as a sexual being. And she's like, you're a baby to me and, and I'm like, I feel that same way, like I've got time taken, I've got sex I want to be having. I've got career stuff I want to be doing. And I'm 70, and I I encourage you to do it. Do it now. That's

Laura Bowman: 44:22

a great message, yeah. Like, I need to hear that,

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 44:24

yeah. And I look back at this, my 30 year old self in this bikini, and I, I didn't know the concept of time in that way. And as I said before, like, actually, the love of my life, he was a lot in this book, died not long after that photo. He took that picture of me, and I didn't obviously know that was happened, was going to happen, and, and, and we don't know the good things that are going to happen too, but I I think it, I think it's fun and it's creative, and it's helpful to even like, what kind of things as a sexual being do I want to do now, and some of that will be sex. Sucks. So like, if you like cowgirl, which is being on top, and like you and your knees don't work like they used to, then it's time to do it now, or it's time to figure out pillows on how to do it. And it's like, let's say and that's the last time that we do that position, and we say goodbye to it, and we find the position that we like now, or it's who we are as a sensual being that it's like, this is my chapter of who I am as a sensual being, or who I am in in my desire and and who do you want to be? Because time is ticking, and there's no greater time, frankly, in our culture than to to position sexuality as an a pivotal part of who we are, and to claim it on our own selves, because it's if we're going to change the sexual culture, it starts with with you and and the way we change, in my eyes, our sexual culture is that we position a culture of sexual agency that doesn't oppress others, it also doesn't glorify others and and that is an inside job that if more people keep doing it, and it doesn't mean that we have a homogeneous way of looking at who we are as a sexual being, but if we have sexual agency as the connecting factor, then we shift. We get more of our rights back. We get more ownership, and we have more authentic connections. And what I've seen is it reduces the negativity that comes along with sexual behavior and mindset when you are rooted in sexual agency and and the time is now to learn that if you haven't already,

Laura Bowman: 46:38

oh my god, I could listen to you talk about that all day like this is like inspiring to me.

Colette Fehr: 46:43

That is the most inspiring, powerful note to end on. I'm so glad you said that. So tell everyone where they can find you, where they can find your book, all that good stuff, because the book is the place to start with all of this.

Dr. Juliana Hauser: 46:59

Yeah. Thank you. So it is going to be on, you know, the online platforms and Amazon, Barnes and Noble also, you can go to my website at Dr julianna.com and there is a place to buy it on there, it will link you to whatever you can choose on my website, what online source that you will buy the book, and my book is only going to be online, and then I'm going across the country, and we're even now starting to look at outside of the country. One thing I wanted to say about that I decided to put in this book is that there's QR codes that I have at the end of the pillars. And in the end of the pillars, you'll take your phone do the QR code, and it's going to take you to my website, and you'll hear other stories. So there's only so much you could fit in a book, and I really wanted people to hear other stories, to understand more about what what stories they would bring forward with each of it and and within that, there's going to be a capability for you to write, to write your own story, write it to me, write it down, to to the website, to share it with others, and you can do it anonymously, confidentially, or you can do it publicly. And I'm very excited to interact with people and have people sharing who they are, and I will be putting on the platform. It comes out September 23 and I'm really, really excited to put in everyone's

Colette Fehr: 48:18

hands. Well, we can't wait. And the book is a new position on sex by Dr Julianna Houser, go grab a copy online ASAP. Go get it. I've read it. It's amazing. You're amazing. Thank you so much for being here. Always thought, anytime, yes, yes, yes, we want to have you back again soon after your worldwide tour, and I'll learn a new sex act that probably my little vanilla self doesn't want to do, but that's great. I love it. I welcome it all. So thank you so much. Thanks to all you guys for listening. We hope you got some great insights from our couch today, and we'll see you next time Bye guys, you.