Insights from the Couch - Real Talk for Women at Midlife

Ep.82: The New College Admission Reality and How Not to Lose Your Mind

Colette Fehr, Laura Bowman Season 7 Episode 82

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0:00 | 33:38

College admissions have changed dramatically since we were applying—and if you’re parenting a teen right now, you probably feel that in your bones. In this episode, we talk honestly about the new reality of college admissions, why even “perfect on paper” kids aren’t guaranteed a spot anymore, and how this process has become a major source of anxiety for both parents and teens. We share personal stories from our own families and what we’re seeing every day in our therapy offices.

More importantly, we dig into how not to let college admissions take over your identity, your household, or your relationship with your child. This conversation is about perspective, mental health, cost, and helping your kids find a path that actually fits who they are—not who the culture says they should be. If you’re navigating college decisions right now (or know it’s coming), this episode is meant to ground you, calm you, and remind you that there are many roads to a good life.

 

Episode Highlights:

[0:00] – We introduce the episode and why college admissions have become such an emotional minefield for families.
 [0:56] – Laura shares why this topic is personal and how fast admissions standards have shifted—even in just a few years.
 [1:57] – Why state schools like Florida State University and University of Florida feel nearly impossible to access now.
 [3:44] – Laura walks through the very different college paths of her three kids.
 [4:50] – We admit our former college “snobbery” and how our perspectives have radically changed.
 [5:30] – Colette reflects on her own college choices and why fit matters more than prestige.
 [9:30] – The real cost of college—and how skyrocketing tuition is shaping admissions pressure.
 [11:27] – Why community college and schools like University of Central Florida deserve way more respect.
 [14:49] – How parental fear and identity get tangled up in kids’ college outcomes.
 [17:23] – Letting go of the “one right path” myth and expanding what success can look like.
 [21:33] – Supporting instead of micromanaging: being air traffic control, not the pilot.
 [24:22] – Why kids aren’t always developmentally ready for college—and why that’s okay.

Ever stayed quiet to keep the peace and felt yourself disappear? The Cost of Quiet is for anyone who avoids conflict and pays the price. Reclaim your voice, strengthen your relationships, and experience real peace. Order your copy and join the movement: https://www.colettejanefehr.com/new-book

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Order The Cost of Quiet now! Colette’s new book, The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations that Create Secure, Lasting Love, launched February 3rd. Order your copy today: https://www.colettejanefehr.com/new-book

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Colette Fehr:

Marc, welcome to insights from the couch, where real conversations meet real life.

Laura Bowman:

At midlife, we're Colette and Laura, two therapists and best friends, walking through the journey right alongside you, whether you're feeling stuck, restless or just unsure of what's next. This is a space for honest conversations, messy truths and meaningful change.

Colette Fehr:

And our midlife master class is now open. If you're looking to level up, get into action and make midlife the best season yet. Go to insights from the couch.org and join our wait list. Now let's dive in. Hi guys, we've got a great episode today on college admissions, the new reality, because, God knows, it changed so much back in the day when we were young, and how to not lose your mind when you're going through it with your kids.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, this one came to us by popular request. Actually, somebody asked me to do this episode, which I'm going through it right now with my youngest. So it's very fresh, but it is startling how quickly things have changed in the college admission space. It's bad even a couple years ago, but like, it's so funny. I have I used to see young Well, I still see young people, but I used to see them more often. So I had a college admission like the best colleges in America book from 2013 Yeah. And the admission rates for our big we live in Florida, so our big state universities, like Florida, State University, University of Florida, where many people who are raised in raising kids in this community went themselves are now literally nearly impossible to get into. Yeah, without stratospheric scores or passion projects or

Colette Fehr:

even with stratospheric scores, kids can't get into these schools, so it's crazy, and I think that's going on in a lot of states. We also have massive population explosion. In Florida, we're now the third largest state, and we've only really got a handful of these state schools, and it's very much the popular tradition here. But we see it all across the country. I know my friends up north, out west, it seems that it's become a source of tremendous anxiety for parents, for kids, feelings of failure, disappointment, not feeling successful. Whereas when we were young, I went to a pretty competitive school where everybody went to college. It was very small, all girls Catholic school. I've talked about that on here before, but everybody went to college. You know, there were only 42 girls. College was very important. You know, it was a big deal even back then, and yet, it was still pretty chill, you know, like I kind of picked I applied to 12 schools. I got into all of them. I wasn't super stressed about it. My parents weren't super involved, you know, it just I did have some pressure to go to a school my dad wanted me to go to, which I promptly put a spot to by just saying I'm not even applying. So screw off, right? I knew I wanted, yeah, but this is like a very different world. And my kids went to college, it's a while ago now. I can't even do the math six, seven years ago that I was first starting this, and like you said, it seems like it's changed since then. So before we even identify the problem more, tell me this, Laura, what are you seeing with your own kid right now?

Laura Bowman:

Well, that's kind of my youngest is a little bit of an outlier. So I don't know if I want to use him as an example, but I have have three very different kids who've had three very different situations, same with mine. So I'll just say that my My oldest is my daughter who could not really use test scores, had a pretty averagely decent GPA, a really good resume, but couldn't use test scores because didn't test well. She went to a private school, that was her solution, where it was test optional. So we did something like that, but it was really costly. And then my middle son has decided to go to Valencia because he also is not like he's got a math disability, so he's working and going to Valencia. And we'll do a direct connect to Valencia, describe what that is. That's our community college in Winter Park, Orlando area, which is a popular becoming a popular option. But I've got to say, as somebody who grew up in the northeast, you know, just like you Colette, like when I came to Florida, I was like, I was so haughty about it was like, my kids will never go to a school

Colette Fehr:

in Florida. Me too. Oh, my god, me too.

Laura Bowman:

My tune has radically changed over the years for many reasons. And. My youngest is, like, my traditionally, like, has the grades, has the classes, has the test scores. So, like, I don't know, but his path is just, I think what is so interesting is that in years past, you would say, Oh, this kid has everything he needs. He'll get in everywhere. And that is simply not the case anymore, right? And I think that's very I think that's startling for parents to realize what a disappearing Island some of these spots are.

Colette Fehr:

Well, that's the thing about like, when I think about my own pathway, you know, yes, I had good grades and I had good scores, but not to this level. I mean, back then, 35 years ago, when I was applying to college, nobody had 1500s It was like one crazy Mensa kid who went to MIT. It was just unheard of, like, if you got in the 1300s it was like, Wow. That was like, extremely good. And you know, with my own kids, what I saw, they are also very different. And Charlotte, you know, knew both of my kids wanted to go in state. They're like, super Floridians. They're super into Florida. They went to Winter Park High School, which is our local public high school that has, I don't know, 1000s of kids, right, 700 kids a grade, whereas my whole high school had about 160 people, I think, Max in the whole school. So they wanted to go to these big state schools, but Charlotte knew that Florida, Florida State, neither of those was going to be in the cards on any planet, and she ended up going to University of North Florida, and then really not liking it, and transferring. So that was a bit of a different trajectory. And, you know, hard for her to know what would work. It was also during covid, the beginning of covid. So that was a layer of complexity. And then with Curran, so interesting, because she got into Florida State, she had the scores, she had the grades. I mean, not like 1550 but good scores and good grades. And she got into Florida State, where her stepsister went, and her sister Charlotte was in Tallahassee, and she did not want to go. And this is, you know, you see all these kids, like, who are dying to go there. Yeah. And I really loved this. And this is going to segue into, I think one of the points we want to make today is that, you know, she went to visit and she said, and you know, here she has two sisters there, and she said, This is not for me. Tallahassee is gross, which it is, by the way, no offense to all you Florida State people, Florida State's great, but the city is Yuck, and it's really rough and and if you're into Florida State, you don't care, but she's not a partier. And obviously Florida State isn't only about partying, but the whole vibe there, the big football energy she didn't care about. She's really outdoorsy. She loves the beach. I mean, she just moved to Hawaii, so she picked FAU, Florida, Atlantic, which even a few years ago, was becoming very popular, but has become even more so now. And she was so happy there. And I think what she chose, nobody could believe she was saying no to this school. You know, that was so good and so coveted, right? And actually, you know what? As I say this, I feel like it's very much what I did, because nobody could believe I was saying no to Vanderbilt. Back in the day, I was between Vanderbilt and Tulane. Vanderbilt was probably technically the better school. It was definitely where my parents preferred I go. Of all 12 of the schools, those were my top two. And when I went to visit I said, this is just not the right place for me, and that was more important than the best school, the bumper sticker, the cachet. And I think this is part of it is that we've got to have some perspective about this process is ridiculous. It's not fair to parents, it's not fair to kids, it's too expensive, it's too competitive, it's not good for anyone's mental health. And while we can't control that, what we can control is keeping some perspective that this is really about your child choosing the right environment for them, holistically, for their mental health, for their interests, for who they are. It is not going to make or break their life, where they go. It's not, yeah,

Laura Bowman:

and I think that one of the things we really have to touch on is cost. I got some perspective on cost. I went to boarding school, so like, maybe this is not totally applicable, but like this will give you some perspective. The boarding school I went to when I went there in 1996 cost $16,000 a year, which in 1996 was a chunk of change. 10 years later, I ran into a guy in Westlake, Ohio with my husband wearing my alma mater shirt. And I was like, oh my god, I went there too. And. He said, Yeah, we're spending 40k a year, yeah, to send our kid there. Now fast forward, I'm helping to plan my 30 year high school reunion, and the guy who's helping us that works at the school says it's really hard to get your class back, because our cost is so it just doesn't work for your generation, like your class is so uninvolved, it is now 70k a year, yeah, boarding school. Okay, so then just put that on college, and it's the same sort of mushrooming where now it's not uncommon, like for a private school in the state of Florida, like University of Miami, you'll spend $90,000 a year, same for like a place like NYU. These are, these are pricing people out of the market. But even on a more applicable stage, the difference between being able to use your bright futures and we have a really nice scholarship program in the state of Florida that if you get you can get different levels of help. Kern got that all the way up to full coverage of your tuition in an in State School, which is like gold. This is another reason people are just dive bombing on these spots, because nobody wants to pay for college. So your other option is, if you don't get into one of these Florida schools, or you don't choose one of them, you are now paying somebody else's out of state tuition for their public school.

Colette Fehr:

Well, this is what happened even at Tulane, because back when I went, it was extremely expensive. I think it was close to 50,000 which 35 years ago was very, very expensive, and you were basically paying for your kid and a scholarship kid? Yeah, and I think Rollins kind of does that too. A lot of schools have that. And you know, there are a lot of people who fall in the middle where they really don't qualify for any support, but they're not the uber rich who can afford to stroke 100 grand a year for multiple kids. So I think we've got to normalize nonlinear pathways, non traditional options. And let's just be real that there are so many other I mean, I really believe this, and I'm the biggest education person around. I was just like, you when I moved here. I was like, What is UCF? CF? Like, I've never even heard of no one yet. I was like, Oh, it can't be good. And meanwhile, UCF is amazing. It's a huge School University of Central Florida, yeah, so I've changed my tune also, and I think we both grew up in that Northeastern like, a bit of snobbishness around it.

Laura Bowman:

Totally, yeah, totally. Education was, like, more valuable than

Colette Fehr:

anything, yeah, and others didn't even think it, like, made sense that I was going to Tulane. I mean, which is a good school. My parents were like, ew, no, you're not going there, you know? So I've come a long way, but there are kids who college isn't necessarily the right pathway. There are many different ways to go to college, taking a gap year, traveling first, you know, transferring schools, going to a community college, and then transferring in. This is something that a lot of kids do, and is totally viable and acceptable. I think the problem, before we get into solutions, that I want to make sure we say is that a lot of parents and you know, we both see this as therapists and also among our friends, so many parents, this has become a cornerstone of their identity. Yes, and this is where it's really problematic two things, the fear and making your kids college choice about your own identity. So I think when you're scared, this leads to micromanaging, right, instead of support and guidance and like a healthy perspective, and it leads to over involvement. And it also is contaminatory for your kids, that fear, that obsession. I also think that like this has got to be, if this feels so so so important to you, I think one of the things we're going to challenge you to do today is get curious about why, and is it really about your kid? Because it doesn't really matter. My life was amazing, even though I didn't go to Vanderbilt, you know, and it really doesn't matter as much as you might think your child will get over their initial disappointment. If they're disappointed, take a look at yourself and what maybe you're struggling with, with your own identity. You know, does this feel like some kind of validation? Are you scared of what comes next in your own life, at midlife in particular, and is it easier to fixate on this?

Laura Bowman:

You know, I'm compassionate towards this because I I was raised by a mother who's like education was everything, and I think her identity was really wrapped up. Up in us being educated, and all that it entailed. And then I pulled that forward into my own life, and especially certain circles, especially in certain if you're at a private school where everybody is Uber involved and it's all about the next step, and it's very hard to accept that you've invested so much money into your kids, only to realize like they're not going to have what you envisioned as a the quintessential college experience, that that, no, this is, like, really challenging. I understand that.

Colette Fehr:

I'm well aware of that. Yeah, I just like it. I think you just don't relate to it. I think that's your work. I think that's your work. We all have these things, but like as a parent, it's not healthy for it to be about where my kid goes. Says something about me. I'm not not compassionate toward it, and I agree that if it's your environment, it's difficult,

Laura Bowman:

but environment, the inner environment. I think when you put yourself in that environment, like, I mean, there's because I had kids that went to public school, and I and they had a much more expansive, permissive experience in terms of, there were so many different paths being chosen and validated. And there was, it felt like an open highway. That was my favorite thing about sending two of my kids to public but

Colette Fehr:

even in the public schools, there are IB programs, there are parents who there are a lot of people here go to the local high school, which is a very good high school, and there are kids that normalize, but there are kids with pressure. I mean, I think the bottom line is like your social milieu, but like you said, you grew up with a mother that was over invested, and I not that I'm not compassionate toward it, but that isn't healthy or fair to your kids. And you've managed despite being, I would argue, in a lot of those environments, like having your kids in that realm, being friends with people who operate that way, having had a mother who operated that way, and you haven't put that on your kids. So again, I'm not saying it's easy, but I am saying this is the work to do, because it's not fair to your children. It's not healthy and it's not good for either of your mental health,

Laura Bowman:

yeah, and I'll just be really honest, like I confronted that work because I realized that my kids weren't going to have a traditional path me too. Okay, so, but I had to confront that work because of what I knew were the limitations of some of my kids, and it gave but what it did for me, and what I hope it does for people who if maybe they're only confronting this now at college, where they're like, holy shit, my kids had a really great, you know, great high school experience, but they're not qualified for what I thought they'd be qualified for. It is now your turn to get a much more expansive view of what is possible.

Colette Fehr:

Yes, and so for me, it was more that I realized, and this is the danger we can all do, whether it's the culture you're in, what your parents set up for you, the way you grew up, is always there or projecting your own experience. So I wanted for my kids, for me, I'm not a person. I'm not a Keeping Up with the Joneses person, like I'm not a status II person. So I didn't care about where my kids went. As a reflection on me, what I did feel the urge to project and I had to catch myself, is that I wanted my kids to have what I found valuable. I went to a different part of the country. I experienced very different kinds of people, Southern culture I'd never experienced, you know, it was a very different school. I went to Catholic school. Tulane is predominantly Jewish and, like Southern Protestant so very different cultural vibe, different part of the country. I wanted my kids to go to school in the Northeast because I thought, you know, you're such little Floridians, go out in the world, or go out west or go somewhere different. And I had to realize that was exciting to me, but that wasn't their interest. So I think it is, whether it's about identity or just wanting the best genuinely for your kids, there has to be a healthy amount of detachment and acceptance. Because one, even if your kid is a rock star with a 1550 on the SATs straight A's and every community service and sport under the sun they may not get into where you want them to get into. And two, your child should have the most active voice in this choice.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, no, for sure, but I think it's incumbent on the parent to help really again, open up that highway for like, how many roads there are? Yes. To actually get to where you want to go. I think that it becomes this, like, obsessive, yeah, that it feels like there's only one path, exactly, and and the school that you're in may even project that. That's what I was saying about being in some of these private school environments. It feels like there's one path, and when you can't, you can't manage to make that happen. You feel like a failure. The parent feels like a failure. So getting like this, I got a much bigger imagination.

Colette Fehr:

You've got to get a perspective, yeah, right, right. There are so many ways through, right? And these are, like, you know, 1% or problems here. I'm not minimizing that. This is like the thing. But if you had to worry about putting food on the table, you certainly wouldn't be so obsessed with where your kid goes to school. Let's remember our child breathing, that they're alive, that they're healthy and that they're thriving again, holistically is really the thing. You're absolutely right. We're all we can all get in our little bubble and get infected with competitiveness comparison. But yes, this is we're saying the same thing really, like, it's hard, it's real, and you've got to do some of your own inner work. And I think the biggest thing is not project this on your child, even if you're feeling it, and help your kid have some of that perspective too. So let's get into some of these tips that you and I put together to help parents actually do this. All right? You want to go first?

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, support instead of over involvement. Yeah, I think it's, it's really incumbent on us to stay like, I always picture an airplane and that the child is the airplane, and you're kind of like, over the wing, and you're just kind of watching and

Colette Fehr:

air traffic control.

Laura Bowman:

Your air traffic control, yeah, I love it. You're air traffic control.

Colette Fehr:

If you're gonna crash, I'm gonna say something, but otherwise, I'm gonna monitor the flight and I'm gonna let you fly the plane. I'm gonna

Laura Bowman:

let you fly the plane. I'm outside the system, and I'm just kind of watching and again, asking some Socratic questions and helping you clarify what it is you really want. Yeah, yeah. And I know the hard thing is that if your kid really want something that they're not going to be able to get, or that you can't afford, right? That's a hard that's, that's a piece,

Colette Fehr:

yeah, yeah. And, you know, those are things. That is what it is, and it's, maybe there's some grief in the process of coming to acceptance with it. But I think again, that when you're fearful and you're radiating anxiety. That's when we tend to micromanage, to hyper control, and emotions are very easily felt and picked up on. We know they're contagious. This is why we're relational beings, right? We pick up what other people are putting down. So I think it's really important, again, that you're setting this calm presence for kids. And I like the idea of, you know, support sounds more like, not do this. Did you do this? What are you doing? Did you get it? Did it support? Sounds like, How can I help? Would you like my help? Is there anything I can do to support you, you know, and you can provide this very grounded environment that is not filled with anxiety, but that is like, okay, you know what? Well, you might not get into every school, and there might be some disappointment in the process, but let's do our best and focus on the process and not the outcome. And I'm here to support and guide you, but I'm not going to take control of this or make this my thing? Yeah.

Laura Bowman:

And I remember working with a kid who literally did not get any of his stuff in and kind of kept punting this process, and really did have natural consequences from it, and the parent sort of let him have natural consequences, and it was probably the best thing for him, yep, yep. And so it's, you know, can you be calm in that storm of watching? Because there's a lot of kids, I'll give you this one. Are not ready for college? Oh, my God, when it's time to go. So it's like, can you let this process play out a little bit and see that maybe what happens is for the best.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, yeah. And as I get into number two here, we are already talking about it be the calm in the storm. You know, we're already mentioning this throughout the episode, but kids really do take their emotional cues from you, so you're gonna feel what you feel, but be aware of what you're what you're radiating and what your kids are seeing, and realize that if you're really stressed and getting so upset, I mean, I know someone right now like this, that it's her kids got to be feeling how obsessed this person is with the college process. It can't be good, but you're. Kid can can pick that up as I'm failing or I'm not

Laura Bowman:

enough, and that's where, oh my god, if this doesn't work out, my mom won't be able to

Colette Fehr:

handle or if this doesn't work out, my life is over. Remember, psychologically, kids at 1718, years old, 19 years old, however old they are, if they're on a traditional path out of high school going into college. Developmentally, their brains are still really a work in progress, and so things can feel very big and very final, and the last thing they need is more stress and pressure around this, because it can start to feel like I'm disappointing my parents, I'm not good enough. This is going to ruin my whole life, right? And we've got to really help them to minimize those scary feelings that are already there for them because of their school environments.

Laura Bowman:

Yes, and then the next one I'm just going to skip to, like, protect your home with boundaries, because I think boundaries are important. I think the parent has to have boundaries. I think it's I agree that I think we have to know a what we can afford, what we can really you cannot over promise on these things like, Yeah, I'll pay to send you out of state, and I'll foot the bill for 50 grand a year. If that is not something your family can absorb, that you would have to second mortgage your house to do. So yeah, so figure out where your boundaries are, and I guess I want to extend onto that is, this is where I think the biggest opportunity for both parent and child is to think irreverently, to think creatively, to think expansively about all the different ways. If your kid wants to be an attorney or your kid wants to, I don't know, be a doctor, whatever, there are so many ways to get there from here, yeah, and to think and to get stuck on a rigid path is is a real fault of imagination. So that's one thing I want to

Colette Fehr:

beautifully said, and I think that really covers the next one. So I'm going to skip over to the last because you're right. There isn't one way to do this, and that is the cool thing about today. There are so many options, you know, and with the end outcome of your child having a career where they can support themselves, and they are mentally healthy and they're happy, that's really what it's about. And sometimes we've just got to pull out, you know, I'm even going through this, like, with my book thing. It's just an analogy is, like, I have to remember, like, this is really, this isn't like the cure for cancer, this isn't life or death like it feels so important and it matters, but it isn't the thing that it can feel like it is when you're in the weeds. So I think that, like a more expansive path and perspective is really important. And then, of course, we touched on this a little, but protect your kids from comparison culture and protect yourself. Comparison is the thief of joy, of connection. You are going to destroy your own well being with anxiety and your kids if you get pulled into competitive conversations, we've already got social media destroying this for everybody, because there's just too much that you can see it's too easy to feel inadequate. So help your child focus on their own personal growth that they're competing with themselves. Meaning it's about being your best self. It's about continuing to evolve, not doing what all the other kids in your class are doing or on social media. It's about finding your way.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, and I go back to our conversation with Meg J about what's important at this age. I mean, nobody's really going to like call you out on a daily basis in your adult life for your undergraduate diploma. Nope. They just won't or lack thereof, yeah, or you're just like, where did you go to school? You know that just like, it just doesn't come up that much. But what kind of things do you what kind of experiences do you does your child want to have? Do they want to go abroad? Do they want to have internships? Do they want to work while they're in school? How do you begin to just build a life, or help them construct the life that they want to have? And it doesn't, it doesn't look one way. You know, I have my son actually follows this woman on Tiktok. I think her account is like Florida College mom or something, and she's so creative. She shows kids how you can get a fast aa using CLEP scores. Do you know that about cleps? No, okay, but this is fascinating. I want this is my point about having creative thinking. Yeah, like between your AP scores and if you were an IB or even if you did dual enrollment, you can literally. Really go and take CLEP exams that are, you know, hour and a half long exams at a testing center, and test out of basic English and math and science credits for your for undergrad. So, I mean, it's just she's showing how you can do a fast AA in, like, a summer. And I just think that is so cool, like there are ways to get where you want to go that aren't costly, that just take a little sweat equity, that you can see different paths.

Colette Fehr:

Yeah, and take releasing the identity piece, which is the work. And you know, I just want to say, as we wrap up, I mean this, obviously we have no control over but our system is so wrong. It would be so much better to get these kids out of school. And I think they kind of do this in Europe and other places, and have not even just a gap year. Have kids work a year or two, or in some places, kids are in the military. I mean, have some real world experiences. That's how you really find yourself and then go back to school and study when you have a little bit of a clue of a pathway. This whole education path doesn't really fit anymore where people are developmentally because kids are in many ways more emotionally immature than they've ever been, but they're being subjected to all of this stress that is just absurd. So until the system gets fixed, if it ever gets fixed, let's all try to hold on to our sanity, normalize that this process is hard. Everyone's obsessed with it, so it makes it hard not to be obsessed with it, but your kid's gonna be okay, and your job is really to support them. Use that creative thinking be the calm, grounding presence support. Don't micromanage. And know that at the end of the day, your kid's gonna find their way, and it's all gonna work out in the end.

Laura Bowman:

Yeah, well said, and I just would second the fact that there are always choices. You always have choices, even when you feel like you don't. There's always choices, and can you begin to find what the next, next best choice is, yeah, and help your kid find

Colette Fehr:

that yes, even to that. All right? Well, this season, yeah, college season, it's tough, and it's gonna be okay. So we hope you guys got some good insights from our couch today that will help you if you're on this process. And please share the episode with any friends you know who are going through this. We deal with a lot of clients in our offices who are struggling with this process, so we hope this helped, and don't forget to leave us a review. It really helps so much for us to get this important podcast out into the world so that we can help as many people as possible. And we're grateful to you all for listening. All right, bye, guys. You.