Ep. 85: The Cost of Quiet LIVE from the Stage: A VIP Book Launch Experience

Colette Fehr takes the stage during the live launch of her book, The Cost of Quiet, stepping into the role of author in front of a room filled with people who know her work and her story. The setting carries real weight, a public moment tied to years of private reflection, clinical insight, and lived experience around silence, conflict, and connection. This conversation matters because it captures what happens when ideas meant for the page are spoken out loud, in community, with real emotional stakes.

Episode Highlights

• [00:00] Colette opens the evening, sharing why this book exists and what led her to write it
• [02:13] Reflections on the unexpected challenges and personal growth that came with becoming an author
• [05:34] Introducing Insights from the Couch and the work Laura Bowman sees with women at midlife
• [06:17] A conversation about quiet quitting relationships and emotional burnout in long-term partnerships
• [09:29] How emotional engagement, vulnerability, and unmet needs show up across genders
• [11:33] The role of self-connected communication in changing relationship patterns
• [17:22] Men, silence, and the pressure to stay strong without emotional language
• [20:55] What happens when vulnerability replaces suppression or emotional blowups
• [25:19] The loneliness crisis and why one relationship can’t meet every emotional need
• [29:11] Effort, intentionality, and making connection a priority
• [33:01] Social media, overparenting, and the pressure teens carry everywhere they go
• [34:45] How silence between parents and teens can lead to serious consequences
• [36:24] Practical guidance for communicating with teenagers and lowering resistance
• [39:24] Colette’s closing reflections on risk, honesty, and changing relational cycles

If today's discussion resonated with you or sparked curiosity, please rate, follow, and share "Insights from the Couch" with others. Your support helps us reach more people and continue providing valuable insights. Here’s to finding our purposes and living a life full of meaning and joy. Stay tuned for more!

Ever stayed quiet to keep the peace and felt yourself disappear? The Cost of Quiet is for anyone who avoids conflict and pays the price. Reclaim your voice, strengthen your relationships, and experience real peace. Order your copy and join the movement: https://www.colettejanefehr.com/new-book

🎙️ Love the podcast? Come talk about episodes with us inside The Midlife Chat. It’s a free, private community just for women at midlife who want to keep these conversations going. We’ve created this space for real talk, fresh resources, and honest connection—where you can share ideas and resources, ask questions, and get support from women navigating the same season.  Come join us—we’d love to have you!

👉 Join The Midlife Chat here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/795863256460970/

Order The Cost of Quiet now! Colette’s new book, The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations that Create Secure, Lasting Love, launched February 3rd. Order your copy today: https://www.colettejanefehr.com/new-book

Recognized by FeedSpot:
Top 60 Couples Therapy Podcasts | Top 100 U.S. Mental Health Podcasts | Top 100 Relaxation Podcasts

Transcript

Colette Fehr  0:00  
Yes. So first I have to just say thank you to everyone. I feel like I'm already going to get emotional. It's overwhelming to see all of you in the room, and it's so gratifying. It is a really hard but rewarding journey. So this moment, getting to celebrate and share it with all of you, means so much, and I'm so grateful for your help and to all of the sponsors who made this possible. And thank you all for being here and helping support the book so I can get it out into the world to help people, because that is really why I wrote the book. I had a really tough time in my first marriage, and of course, like most people, I thought it was all his books, and only later, when I went through a messy divorce and my own experience in therapy, and then becoming a therapist and having the honor and privilege of sitting with so many couples, did I realize that I had had a huge role to play? Nobody comes into my office saying I'm here because I avoid conflict. But after 13 years of doing this work, I've realized that is the primary problem and avoidance doesn't always look like what we think it does. So in this case, when I say the cost of quiet, you're not necessarily quiet. You all know, if you don't know me before now, you certainly are going to hear tonight that I am not quiet at all. But when it comes to our primary romantic partnerships, in particular, the stakes are high. We fear of rejection, abandonment, pushing somebody away, making an argument, and so we don't say the things we need to say, and we do tend to avoid those hard conversations. But if we know how to manage conflict constructively, then it doesn't have to feel like so much threat. It can be the greatest opportunity for connection. So in this book, you're going to find a road map for how to connect to yourself, to regulate your emotions, to get really clear about what you feel and need, so you can go forward with a partner or anyone, a friend, a family member, a co worker, and really have the best chance possible of being heard and really feeling good in your body, empowered and confident, because we are designed to speak what's true and to self advocate. So that is the mission of the book, and I'm really excited to share it with all of you.

Speaker 1  2:13  
Any unexpected blessings through the process, or challenges that you weren't expecting?

Colette Fehr  2:19  
Well, if I got into the challenge that have you here all night, and you'd be really bored. So the whole book thing is, it's a lot harder than I thought. When I was writing the book. I thought that was going to be the hardest part, but it turns out, the amount of stuff that's on an author in today's world, you know, it's not just writing the book, then you have to find a way to try to get it out there into the world. So I've learned a lot, and I've had to develop myself in areas that I had not previously even realized were deficits. You know, I run my own business for 13 years, but I didn't have any experience with some of the things I'm now doing. A lot of speaking. I did a TEDx talk. I started not one, but two podcasts, thanks to some fabulous co hosts that you're going to meet in just a couple of moments and just so many different areas of personal development that came through what's been, at times, a really kind of scary journey, but also rewarding.

Speaker 1  3:15  
It's been huge. So I'm going to celebrate her again, because she won't tell you this herself. So I told you, the 1% of authors get a traditional publishing deal, then you layer on the fact that only 1% of those authors ever sell over 1000 books. Well today, we crossed that milestone. And so thanks to you all. So we are so grateful, and we are looking forward to just an incredible week next week. And so we really want to encourage you, if you haven't ordered copies or shared this with your friends, there's QR codes all throughout the venue tonight, please do that, because remember, all of those pre sales count towards next week sales, and do make a big difference. And so we are very much looking forward to that. The other thing

Colette Fehr  3:58  
can I just clarify one thing you all know, I'm not gonna, like, make a sense off this book. It is not what we're talking sales. It is not about that. And thank you so much for being my advocate. But it really is, if your book doesn't sell, then it kind of disappears and dies on the vine. And I wrote this because I learned so many things the hard way through a lot of pain and suffering, and I want to give this information in a really accessible, actionable way to other people so they don't have to suffer. So when we ask to buy the book, it's just so that I can make sure other people actually even know this book exists. I just want to

Speaker 1  4:32  
clarify, yeah, and it's pretty exceptional, like, the content is actionable. We've, you know, had the privilege of having, you know, different podcast interviews and people pre read the book, and the value that is in there. And so I'm really excited about it. And it's not just about the personal relationships, it's the professional relationships. There's so much in here too that will help you get your voice back in the workplace as well. Like there's just so much value. So I'm very, very excited about. That and just thrilled. And I can't wait to introduce Laura. If you want to come up and get mics, we're going to have Laura come up next. But thank you again for being here tonight. So just the flow of the evening, we've got several special guests that are going to come up that have a special place in Colette's life, and that are going to share a few words of wisdom. The entire program is going to take about 30 minutes. We really want to create enough space to network and spend time with one another tonight, but we definitely wanted to take the opportunity to create something really special for Colette and for all of you. So I'm going to turn it over to Laura and we're going to keep the evening moving.

Colette Fehr  5:34  
So thank you. Good. Welcome. Laura Bowman, many of you guys know us from insights from the couch, a podcast we launched a year and a half ago. Why don't you introduce yourself to the group and say a little bit about

Laura Bowman  5:47  
what you do, and then we'll chat. Yeah, I'm obviously Colette's co host, and we started this thing just on the total whim, which I'm so glad we did. But I am an individual therapist in maidens. I see a lot of middle aged women, middle aged men and specialize in anxiety disorders, but definitely this more existential sort of crisis of daily living that so many of us deal with so

Colette Fehr  6:17  
so let's chat about that for a minute, because our podcast insights from the couch is specifically although we have listeners from every demographic, but is really targeted for women at midlife, and we're seeing a lot of attention lately on menopause, perimenopause. Don't worry, men, we're not going to dive too hard into that. We don't have time. I love seeing people's reaction to the even the crowd got quieter, right? That turns out that's the way to make everyone silent, is to say menopause. But because we're focused on relationships, tonight, I we Laura and I talked about, we want to chat with you all for a minute about part of what my book address is that you're seeing a lot in individual therapy, and I certainly see in couples therapy is that people are quiet, quitting relationships, and now, thanks to covid this term in the workplace, we now recognize that this has been going on in relationships for a long time, and women in particular, in droves, are kind of expressing dissatisfaction with long term relationships, not feeling like it could be heard, not getting their needs met. So tell us a little bit about what you're seeing in your practice.

Laura Bowman  7:21  
You know, if we're talking about like the Gen X woman, which so many of us in this room, probably fit that category, it's like we have a couple things working against us, we or, I mean, for or against us, where the beneficiaries of, like, the Women's Liberation Movement. So everybody wants to be educated and have careers and feels compelled towards that. At the same time, the 1980s brings about the hyper parenting movement, so we're all like very active in our kids lives. By the time we've reached midlife, and all those hormones start to go away, we just stop wanting to caretake. And we're we're so emotionally burned out, and if we don't have the infrastructure of a good relationship, we begin to just go, what am I doing? I want to I'm going to focus on me. Nobody's ever like that's the one area I haven't invested in. And then and now, we're also in this moment, culturally, that we hear like, do you? Do you? You know, don't self abandon if, if family doesn't work for you, cut it off. So now everybody, a lot of women, are saying, this is a raw deal, and I'm and I'm gonna either quiet, quit, which a lot of women at this phase are more attached to their children than their partner. We see that all the time, so they get more satisfaction out of just hanging out with their kids and their girlfriends and their friends and their co workers. And they just pull away from their marriages, or if they have the financial ability, they say, I'm out, I'm out, and this is happening in droves, and I don't want to rag on men. I feel like we can have a whole conversation about men.

Colette Fehr  9:07  
Well, we will in just a minute. Don't worry, guys, you're not getting off. Use it.

Laura Bowman  9:12  
I see a lot of men name, a ton of empathy for that that piece too. But men have been largely the beneficiaries of like, the 1950s message of, as long as you're providing, you're good. And I think that women now really want more from a partner.

Colette Fehr  9:29  
Yeah, we want emotional engagement. And I think society has done men a disservice in the way we've conditioned people, because men have the same emotional needs as women. And of course, we're talking about heterosexual relationships here, which is not everybody, but just in terms of what we see so much in the office, is that when men really get in touch with their vulnerability, and it doesn't always look like what we think it is, you know, it doesn't have to mean you're emoting all over the place all the time, but just really knowing what you feel and what you need and being. Able to ask for that and connect these really, many of these relationships not only can be saved, but can get to a whole nother layer of emotional intimacy. And we know we talk about this often, that the one segment of the population that divorce is actually on the rise is what's now known as the Gray Divorce. So we've known for a long time that 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Even when men are unhappy, they are less likely to leave, right and most of the time when women are initiating a divorce, it's after years of feeling emotionally disengaged. So not every relationship should be saved, but for those that both people really want it. There's a lot that can happen that you're really trying to help people on the individual level. You and I share that mission of self connected communication. Can you just speak to that for a moment?

Laura Bowman  10:52  
That's the work, you know? That's the whole work. I think, like what Colette said about her own marriage of I thought it was him, you know, and we're not connected to ourselves, so we're activated, we're angry, and we don't realize that the work is really our communication loop with ourselves, that we're always mentoring and coaching ourselves. We're so focused outward that we don't do our own work. So in individual counseling, that's what we do, is are we mentoring our young parts, our underdeveloped parts, to actually participate in relationship and show up for ourselves?

Colette Fehr  11:33  
Beautifully said and so true. It's the heart. It's not no but it's so rewarding. And the more we're doing this for ourselves, it changes our relationships, and the most important relationship at the end of the day is the one you have with yourself, amen. So thank you, Laura for being up here with me. Thank you

Colette Fehr  11:59  
all the tears throughout this journey, Laura's been there for so next, I think we have Tom Van and Dan Dennis.

Unknown Speaker  12:07  
Hello everybody. I am Perry, menopause. First Name Perry, last name.

Speaker 2  12:16  
So we met Colette because she is literally our neighbor. We run a podcast business right next to Colette's business. And we have, I mean, we were neighbors probably for six years before. I don't like telling

Speaker 3  12:32  
people that zero we we never lost a client, right? We have this wonderful person next to us, literally one piece of drywall between you and me, one piece of drywall between us. So much information that could have been shared. Nothing said, well,

Colette Fehr  12:48  
and I would hear noises from that office and think, who are those jerks in there? Why are they so disruptive? Don't they know I'm doing deep, important therapy work in

Speaker 3  12:56  
here, guy trying to save his marriage, and I'm making fart noises. True story, yeah.

Speaker 2  13:04  
And then one day we had this event. It was actually one of our sponsors brought a bunch of pinball machines in our studio, and Collette walks by, and she introduced herself, and we got to talking. We're like, Hey, you should come do a podcast one day. So she started doing podcasts with us. And then it dawned on us, like, Hey, we should do a relationship podcast together. Because I don't know if you know this book, Colette's really good, yeah. And she's a natural broadcaster, which is rare to find, but like she immediately are the first time we did a show with her. I knew I'm like, and me and Daniel have been broadcast together for more than 20 years. Yeah, we're like, you know, Colette's got it. You know, some people naturally are good broadcasters, and we just formed the show.

Speaker 3  13:50  
But she's got it because she's lived it right, like she's been through it. So as we started to unpack, you know, your relationship and my past relationships, and Tom's current relationship, and all of our relationships, there's just so much that we were learning from you. We learned, I mean, every show we do with her, we're up to 17 shows now. We learn something new, but we've connected. We've tapped into something significant with men, where the humor does help. You know, in a time when AI and computers and robots all kind of scare us, what a wonderful thing to be inside of building all humans working on how we communicate. I mean, it makes it way more valuable. Like, I don't know, am I saying that correctly?

Speaker 2  14:34  
No, 100% and and also the, you know, our audience is a lot different. In fact, you know, they they've had, like, real bad relationship problems, like you see on Cops. They've got constant relationship problems.

Colette Fehr  14:53  
Everyone does. Everyone does, but I really think you guys have taught me a lot to. Do, and it's I'm so immersed in therapy world, so coming out of that and hearing your questions and insights from your relationships, which are you guys are really funny and really talented, but you're really good people, and there's so much depth to both of you that I have to say I was surprised by and even though that sounds like an insult, but anything

Unknown Speaker  15:27  
that smiles?

Unknown Speaker  15:29  
That's the nicest thing anybody said about Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  15:32  
I feel I'm like no,

Colette Fehr  15:33  
and I think we're all very vulnerable on the show, because relationships, you guys have both been married far longer than I have. I've been married now 10 years for the second time, and you've been married how

Speaker 3  15:44  
long I am? Hey, authentic.

Unknown Speaker  15:47  
Here. You don't know 15 that's authentic, yeah.

Speaker 2  15:53  
And you've been married 17 years. But I've only been with one woman my entire life, since high school, so I know nothing about relationships.

Unknown Speaker  16:05  
Mercedes Benz dealership, if you've only been with one

Speaker 2  16:09  
woman, that's probably true, yeah. But you know, it's, you know, even though it'll have, like, it's funny too, because every time we talk relationships, like, all the stuff that Colette says, I'm like, I do that. That's me. I'd like, you know, and so I realized there's a commonality amongst what we're talking about. And like, from talking to our listeners too, a lot of our listeners have migrated over to the this new show, Love thy neighbor, and they've told us, so, like, I love the fact that you, you guys, you know, make jokes, but you're real about relationships. And I get a lot of help from it, and it's cool, because we have all our years of broadcasting, we've never done good except for

Speaker 3  16:48  
this show, absolutely right? I mean, we Tom and I, and maybe that, maybe you would agree with this. He is in on the show. He is very reserved, and you're not very emotional. I am extremely emotional. As you can see, I have the hair of a woman, right? But, yeah, it's in that mixture, though, works so well because I'm the guy that, you know, when I'm fighting with my wife, I'm a baby, you know, like, I'm silent treatment, man, you would never be that. Yeah, never be that. So, like, you know, and guys can do that stuff too. You know it's like, and we need to talk about that.

Colette Fehr  17:22  
So the cost of quiet absolutely applies to men as well. So can you speak to for a minute what you're, in your opinion, what are some of the biggest struggles for men right now in relationships? Because it does feel like society, maybe it's just my own feed again, I'm like in therapy world, but it does feel like people are really kind of looking at men right now and not so happy. So what is it like from the mail? And I say this as somebody who you know both my mother and father are here tonight. I love them. Great relationship with both of them, and for me, having, as a woman, having a strong relationship with a father, it's so pivotal for a woman's self esteem. You're both fathers, your husbands. What is your sense of what can we take away from what it's like to be a man right now in relationships and like, what you want us all to know that maybe we don't understand about what it's like to be in your shoes.

Speaker 3  18:26  
Go ahead. I mean, like, I there's just for me, the hardest thing with the pressure of our business, even the pressure of doing these type of events, you know, this pressure more than as much as we do, or more of being able to stay present and slow down enough to be, actually be with my family. Yeah, when am I actually with my family? I don't know. I mean, I'm triggering myself and getting my hair standing up on my arms a little bit, because I don't know if I can tell you that, right? And that's what I'm trying to work on, is to be, you know, more present. And that means that I'm going to have to communicate with my wife and daughter more, and actively communicate with them more. And I have pretty much told them and activated them, like, if I'm not talking enough to you, find me and make me talk to you. Yeah. I mean, that's what I'm doing, and I know you're doing it because it's probably

Speaker 2  19:16  
harder for you. Well, you know, I grew up with a lot of old Florida real men in my life and trauma. I thought the role of a husband and father was just a walk around the house, grumpy all day, and and so the you know, the aspect of and like Colette, talks about being vulnerable with your partner, and that's super hard for me. I, you know, like,

Unknown Speaker  19:44  
I face grimaces every time we talk about, I

Speaker 2  19:47  
don't know what that means, really, you know, but you know, but that's the kind of conversation that we have, and it's, you know, it's, I helped me. I helped a lot of our listeners, because, like, you know. I think being like a tough guy, or what you know, or being the like the dad that's not afraid of anything, or not showing your emotions, was always something that was, you know, shown to me by my every man in my life, where you like, you have to be tough. My grandfather fought in World War Two, and then, like, he was, like, a real tough man. And so that's the, you know, what I saw is like, Oh, this is what you got to be one day. But if you're that, you know, he was divorced young and the solitary his whole life. And so now I'm seeing like, oh, that's why, because he never, you know, showed anybody his vulnerability, and so it was super hard for him to ever get a partner. So you know he's seeing that you're like, oh, okay, well, that's what you end up if you are this tough man, real man that never you know, tells anybody how you feel,

Colette Fehr  20:55  
right, right? It's so true. It's the legacy we replicate, what's modeled for us and so many of us, unless you're probably under 35 you know emotions were not shared, and yet, what we know and of course, it's important you don't just spill, spew your emotions on people. In my book, I call it victim volcano syndrome, when you've taken it and taken it and taken it and then you blow. We don't want to suppress and we don't want to explode on people, either. But when we can get connected to ourselves and get regulated, we can really come forward and share more vulnerability, because that's what connects us, and we've done all of us a disservice by really teaching people not to be authentic in this way, and hopefully it's changing. So I already not that I'm your therapist, because I'm your friend and co host, yeah, but I already see I feel like you're more vulnerable even 17 shows in sometimes Tom says something, and I'm like, Oh my gosh, he's talking

Speaker 3  21:50  
about he really is. He would never say this, but I'll give him the compliment in front of a bunch of people. He's working on it. He's Yeah, you know, he does the things you say, yeah.

Colette Fehr  21:58  
And two men who really love their kids and their wives, and I think that's something that we should all celebrate, yeah.

Speaker 2  22:05  
And I also know Colette's hourly rate, so I'm like, This podcast is like, free therapy for me,

Unknown Speaker  22:11  
he's also a business.

Speaker 4  22:16  
Now, it all makes sense. It's all putting it together well. Thank you so much for being here with me.

Speaker 2  22:22  
Congratulations, Colette. You're really impressive. You know, since the day I met you, you're a grinder, an unbelievable grinder, and I know everybody here knows that. But when I see someone that is a grinder and is wants to do good in the world, I you know, I appreciate that she ain't kidding about not making money on this bookies.

Colette Fehr  22:49  
Thank you. Thank you so much. So I want to welcome my friend charlette to the stage. Thank you so much for being here. I mean, it's just such an honor. I've known you forever. Charlotte's a fabulous therapist, and many of you may know her as a local celebrity. Can you take a moment to introduce yourself to the group and tell us a little bit

Speaker 5  23:15  
about you? Hi everyone. I am Charlotte McCullough, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I do a number of things here in the community. Some of you will probably see me on the news talking about different things in the mornings and different interviews that I have. I'm also one of the mental health experts on the show Fatal Attraction, and for my man on TV One. So that's what I do on a national I want to say this, Colette, I am just proud of you. I am really proud of you. This is like a moment. All these people here for you. This is a moment, really a moment. And I also want to say to everyone, we'll get to the questions you're

Unknown Speaker  23:59  
going to compliment me. I am now going to stop

Speaker 5  24:01  
you when I became licensed a few years ago, when I first got into this whole thing around therapy, Colette and Molly, right here, were two of the people that really welcomed me in the licensed marriage and family therapy community. And I just want to say thank you so much for that. Collette has always been a star. She's always been hot, right? And I was like, if I could just get around her and learn a little bit from her. And then when I met her, she just pulled me in and gave me her phone number, and was like, Call me anytime, and all those things. So I just want to say thank you.

Colette Fehr  24:37  
Oh, thank you so much. And we connected right away. You are fabulous, and you do so much good work in this community and on so many different levels. You work with individuals and couples, but you also and what I want to talk to you about today, because you are such a connector in our community, and you do a lot of media stuff about community, and not everyone is in a romantic relationship. Or as we know wants to be. And the good news is we need close, quality connections to survive and thrive in life, but they don't have to be romantic. So can you talk to us a little bit about the importance of connection, beyond romantic partnerships, community, friendship, and what we should be working on there? Because there is a loneliness crisis.

Speaker 5  25:19  
It is, I think people who are in relationships, people who are married, they're suffering too with loneliness, and that's where I think community comes in at I was one of those people that believed years ago, once I get married, everything is solved, you know? Then when I got married, it's like, oh, I don't want to be married, no more, you know? But learning that this one relationship, this one relationship, couldn't give me everything, and one of the things that I really enjoy is emotional connection. Like, just have an emotional connection to people. That's one thing that really fulfills me. Doesn't have to be long and like, we got to go to dinner every day. We don't need to talk every day. But just being connected, I have your phone number, you have my phone number. If there's something that I can give you, something you can give me. We can give that to each other back and forth, and we need that, especially in this time like this, our husbands, our partners, we can't depend on them for everything. You know, I have friends for prayer. I have friends for dancing. I have friends for drinking, I have friends, you know, but those connections that I have, they're fulfilling for me. And a lot of people see me here doing this, doing that, it's because of the good connections that I have, and not just connections, but good connections people that really fulfill me and I fulfill them. It's like this reciprocity

Colette Fehr  26:42  
type thing, exactly because it is the quality of the connection that makes the difference. You know, like you said, you can be in relationship, friendships, romantic relationships, and if it's surface level, it's not fulfilling. You know, I always talk about everything in terms of food. It's like eating a lot of potato chips. Yes, you need some vegetables. Yes. So it really is about going a little deeper with people making an effort being that person, to be there. And we need community. I think this is something that's suffering so much in this technology, digital age, that, you know, you go out in public and everybody's on their screen. I'm guilty of it too.

Speaker 5  27:18  
People just disconnected, yeah, and just understanding people. Sometimes it doesn't feel good being close to people because of things that we've encountered, and friendships or relationships, but being able to move through those things and understand that community is one of the things that sustain us.

Colette Fehr  27:35  
Yeah, so we've got to really make an effort to stay connected, not just to our partners, but to

Speaker 5  27:41  
our friends too, it's how we make money. Is worse, yes, and this is

Colette Fehr  27:44  
also one thing, you know, we didn't talk about it previously, but I think is another societal failure that men, historically, don't have as much connection outside of their romantic relationships, right? And it's really important that men also have community, and it's not just the romantic partner.

Speaker 5  28:02  
I always say, I think just in life or in relationships, togetherness is important. And autonomy, you know, you do need that alone time. You need that time to refresh yourself, but you also need that time of togetherness with people in the community doing different things. And I think we go further together. I almost have heard it, but I think we do go further,

Colette Fehr  28:23  
absolutely, yeah, and this is how I know you right? It's through the community of therapists that's so rewarding. So, you know, for everybody out there, I think no matter what kind of relationships you're in, I just want to encourage people to make an effort to to make new friends, absolutely and talk to strangers. I mean, maybe in not in certain situations, but Right, but smile at people. Say hello. Like connection, even in these small doses, you might be the one thing that completely changes somebody's day. You might be the only warm face and warm greeting or a point of connection that person has had. So, you know, we've got to look up from these screens and really remember to treat each other and be present and treat each other with human dignity,

Speaker 5  29:11  
something that you said earlier. Collette around effort. You know, all of us, all of us in this room, have this thing that we say, I'm busy. Let me take my calendar. I'm busy, I don't know. But for connection, it takes effort. You know, it takes intentionality, scheduling your friends in schedule time, like with my friends, all of my friends, even my friends that are out that are out of state, we schedule time. The ones that are out of state, we schedule zooms, where we sit and eat together, talk together. It's just that connection. Because, listen, there are times that I've had really, really hard times, and my husband is there. He supports me in everything that I do, but it was with my girlfriend, my good friends, my connections, is where I really felt that healing spirit to like, move through what I was going through. Like I can sit with Curtis, my husband, and talk about anything, but it's a different talk. When I sit with my girlfriends, I can just say some things that they get, you know, sometimes with you all, we say things and we have to break it down for you. You don't get it right. But with girlfriends, we can just talk back and forth all day long about a topic, and when we finish, we feel good it's over, you know? But I think that's the thing that's important. Put in the work for your connections, for your friends,

Colette Fehr  30:27  
yeah, exactly, you know, we, none of us knows how long we have, so make the people who are important to you a priority, because we're definitely overly scheduled

Unknown Speaker  30:38  
as we're all busy.

Colette Fehr  30:40  
Yeah, we're all busy, right, but you can't be too busy for the people you love. I agree. So thank you so much. Up here, thank you. Thank you so much.

Colette Fehr  30:59  
So we're just going to do another little mic switch. Thank you all for being such a great audience and being so attentive and engaged, and hopefully I'm not boring you up here. Okay, okay, no, I think it's hard to sit still for a long time. So I'm really grateful and kind of in awe, and I want to introduce you to another wonderful friend, Keisha, a new friend, but a great friend. We hit it off right from the start. So tell us a little bit about you and what you do, the many things

Speaker 6  31:32  
you do, many things. My name is Keisha Scott. I am the co founder of guardian recovery. It's a national behavioral health company, and I oversee the adolescent program, so I am knee deep in teenagers at all times. I also have three of my own and I am the host of my own podcast called cake for dinner.

Unknown Speaker  31:54  
So and I do have a book coming next

Speaker 6  31:57  
year too, right? Doing this again next year? Yes, yes.

Colette Fehr  32:01  
All in honor of you. So thank you so much for being here, and we have the opportunity to be on each other's podcasts. So I know a little bit about the work you do, but I want you to share with the audience, because I think our hardest relationships, not everyone has kids, but teenagers, it is such a critical time of development. It's arguably the hardest time of life. You're so raw you don't have a prefrontal cortex fully formed in your brainia, right? Your decision making apparatus is not even online. I was my parents can attest, a hellacious teenager, very interesting one, but not easy to parent, right? So it's really important that we are able to engage with our teens and help them become thriving adults who can be in good relationships. And this is not easy. So give us a little idea of what you're seeing with teens today, because the modern world is far more complex even that we would finish

Speaker 6  33:01  
first, I work with teenagers, and I love it. And when you when they're not your children, it's fabulous. So that's first, you know? I mean, some things are the same, right? Teenage, those years, are just difficult for most people, I would say. But these, these teens are specifically up against a lot with social media technology. I mean, when we were kids, I'm 51 so when I was a kid, when you made it home, you made it home. These kids never make it home because it's in their pocket, it's on the screen. It's everywhere all the time. If they're at the mall, they can see who's at the mall and who's at the mall that didn't invite them to the mall like so it just sort of progresses feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Also, I think someone mentioned earlier about the over parenting, parents are also in a weird spot. Am I allowed to curse? Yeah. You know, we've really moved from fapo The fuck around and find out parenting to the gentle parenting. And you know, the pendulum has swung, and hopefully it swings and lands comfortably in the middle. But you know, that's been an evolution of its own. I think, over parenting led to quite a bit of Failure to Launch. Yes, and we're seeing that. Yeah, I'm seeing it my own house, unfortunately, but, and then, you know, and then that's been over corrected, and now everyone's trying to gentle parenting, parent, which in my book, I say you can only do that if you have a gentle kid.

Speaker 4  34:40  
That's really an important point. I love the way you put that right. That's not going to work for everyone.

Speaker 6  34:45  
It's not going to work. And I think this book specifically helped me in full transparency in my parenting. I know that the majority of people probably take from it more of a look at like an intimate relationship. But for me. Me. You know also, with tough teenagers, parents are scared to parent, right? So a lot of times parents will be quiet and in the intimate relationship, as you point out in the book, the cost of quiet often is resentment in a parent teen dynamic. The cost of quiet can be Failure to Launch. It can be drug addiction. It could be danger, death. It's a it's a really expensive cost. Yeah, the

Colette Fehr  35:28  
stakes are so high. There's nobody we love more than our children. Yeah, so right, you're a lot of people are scared to parent, and I've got my daughter here in the room, so maybe she could speak to this, but I definitely felt some of that myself. I had very laissez faire parenting in my own home, where I kind of did what I wanted. I don't think that's what you guys intended, but I did. And you know, I think I struggled to figure out myself with my own children, and I was a single mom divorced when my kids were young. What's the right in my household. I was the mom and the dad, and I'm probably not a very good disciplinarian, so my daughter's laughing, and I really struggled with that. So what can help us? Because we want to understand our teens. We want to connect with them. How do we communicate when our teens are struggling? You know any advice for us? Because I know everyone's different, but it's so hard.

Speaker 6  36:24  
It is so hard, but there are a few things that I advise most parents, if to outsource some of it. If you have a coach, an aunt, a neighbor, if you have another safe adult that your teenager listens to more than you, use them. There is no shame in the game. You can't have an ego as a parent. We're all just trying to make it out alive, you know. So outsource. And the other thing is, is stop asking so many questions. It's annoying. No, you know, it's annoying. No one likes that, right? Like to feel pressured.

Speaker 7  37:01  
Pressure equals quiet. So you know, there are a few little tricks that you can do. Teenagers aren't that confusing. They really aren't. Yours. Seems confusing and scary, but Right?

Unknown Speaker  37:15  
Because your emotions are involved, right?

Speaker 7  37:17  
Mad a bit, and you talk with an expert, and you get just like you with couples, they're just like a few little tweaks and communication that can really,

Unknown Speaker  37:25  
really change a home.

Colette Fehr  37:27  
Yeah, because if your teen will talk to you and come to you, you know, I think that's one strength. I always felt that I could go to my parents with my mistakes. I could that they were always there for me. I never felt like I was going to be kicked out or judged or really punished, and hopefully my children have felt the same way about me that, you know, if we can be a safe place to land, but then we also have to be holding some real world consequences, because the world out there is not going to treat you the same way your mom might right there. We have to be functioning adults. So I share with you that hope that the pendulum swings back to the middle. It is, yeah, yeah. We're we're disciplining and we're teaching kids how to move through the world, but we're also being loving and gentle and connected and teaching them to talk about their emotions and share their fears and their longings and their

Speaker 6  38:18  
night and that wasn't a huge thing before, right? Also, we're, as parents, up against so much, just the, I mean, you can Uber Eats, you can Amazon, you can, like, there's just so much happening all the time. Yeah, you know, one of a chapter in my book is about, like, this idea, can you raise resilient kids in a comfortable world? Because I think all of us look at our childhood and we want to take the things that worked, you know, like, I'm gritty because I grew up poor, but that doesn't, you know, my kids are growing up different, right? But I still want them to be gritty. So it's like, can you manufacture that, you know? So I think as parents, we're up against a lot, but there's also a ton of resources. And I know I'm beating a dead horse with this, but this thing, in full transparency, this concept of having tough conversations, has helped me so much with my 19 year old son. I'm just over there on the phone, just like having the tough conversation, and it really is changing the relationship, so

Colette Fehr  39:24  
it's a real thing. Thank you so much. I am so grateful for you for being here, for being a sponsor of this event, and for the work you're doing. I mean, I think working with teens is the hardest, but I'm so glad people like you are doing this and helping us learn how we can be better parents, and even if we're not parents of teens like teens like teens are going to be the adults. They're going to be in charge, right? We can, I won't get into who's in charge, but it can be scary. So we've got it. We've got to do this for society too, not just our own kids. So thank you so much. I appreciate I can't wait for your buck. You. Okay, so I am going to wrap up, and I just want to thank you all again, so much for your attention, for your support, for your warm, beaming faces out in the audience like it's really made this night wonderful, and I just my heart's full. I'm that's really it. I'm grateful for all of you, and I hope this conversation will inspire you a little bit to have some of those hard conversations, to share how you're really feeling, to take a risk, to tell someone you know what this is really hard to bring up, and I'm scared you're going to reject me, or you're going to move away from me because I tell you this, but because I care about you in this relationship so much I'm willing to take the risk. I want to share something important, because I want us to be closer. You will be amazed. I see it in my office every day, what a different response you get when you show up differently. Our relationships are cyclical. We're in a pattern with people. So when you send a safe signal and an open signal, you may be overwhelmingly surprised and gratified to find you get something really warm and rewarding in return. And I hope this will enhance how you show up in your relationships in some way. So thank you,

Speaker 4  41:18  
and thank you, Allison and then everyone for doing all of this. Thank you all so much. Now have some fun. Bye.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai