Ep. 93: Parenting Teens in a Complicated World with Keesha Scott

Parenting teens today isn’t just challenging—it’s a completely different landscape than what we grew up in. In this episode, Colette explores what it really looks like to raise teenagers in a world shaped by social media, constant comparison, and higher stakes than ever before alongside parenting expert Keesha Scott. From body image struggles to the pressure of being “always on,” this conversation reveals why today’s teens are navigating an intensity many of us never experienced.

Colette and Keesha also dig into what it takes to parent effectively in this climate—letting go of one-size-fits-all approaches, meeting your child where they are, and knowing when to bring in outside support. It’s an honest, eye-opening conversation filled with practical insight and a powerful reminder that even the most challenging teens can grow into strong, resilient adults.

Episode Highlights

[00:03] - Introducing the episode and why parenting teens can feel harder than ever

[01:23] - Keesha’s story and how her teenage years shaped her path

[06:41] - The modern teen experience: social media, body image, nonstop pressure

[10:02] - Why teens today never fully “escape” stress like past generations

[12:15] - Substance use today vs. the past—and why parents must stay alert

[13:09] - Warning signs a teen may be struggling beyond typical behavior

[14:13] - Why outsourcing support can be a game-changer for families

[17:15] - Fear-based parenting and how it creates distance, not connection

[21:47] - The myth of the “perfect” parenting style—and why flexibility matters

[24:41] - Giving teens freedom with boundaries—and letting them earn trust

[27:35] - Strong-willed vs. compliant kids: completely different approaches

[28:18] - Growing challenges for teen boys: isolation and digital addiction

[30:25] - Collaboration over control: how to better connect with your teen

[31:36] - Speaking your teen’s language to build trust and understanding

[32:41] - Reframing “difficult” teens as confident, resilient adults

Links & Resources

·      Website: https://www.keeshascott.com

·      Instagram:

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Transcript

Colette Fehr: 0:44

welcome to insights from the couch, where real conversations

Laura Bowman: 0:47

meet real life at midlife, we're Colette and Laura, two therapists and best friends, walking through the journey right alongside you, whether you're feeling stuck, restless or just unsure of what's next. This is a space for honest conversations, messy

Colette Fehr: 1:04

truths and meaningful change. And our midlife master class is now open. If you're looking to level up, get into action and make midlife the best season yet. Go to insights from the couch.org and join our wait list. Now let's dive in. Hi, guys. I'm sitting here today with Keisha Scott, and I can't wait for you all to meet her and hear about her. And unfortunately, Laura couldn't be here today. But welcome Keisha. We're so excited

Keesha Scott: 1:33

to have you. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here. Yeah, this is

Colette Fehr: 1:37

going to be a great topic. We're going to dive into parenting teens arguably the hardest thing in life. I think, like harder than running a company, harder than a marriage. I have two daughters in their 20s, so I want to dig into all of your wealth of knowledge and expertise, but first, tell our listeners a little bit about you, your background and what got you into this work?

Keesha Scott: 2:03

Sure, so I'm a certified parenting coach. I'm a mom of three, I run a podcast called cake for dinner, and I've written a book by the same name, which will come out next year, but my personal background and experience of a master's in psychology, I would say a lot of my experience is really just rooted in, you know, struggle and hard earned wisdom. I've parented myself. I was a troubled teen myself, and I've spent many years in the mental health space. My husband and I founded Guardian recovery in 2008 which is a national behavioral health company, and I oversee the adolescent program, so I am knee deep in teenagers on every front Wow.

Colette Fehr: 2:49

And that's such a calling, too, because we desperately need this right now. I mean, teens are facing struggles that they weren't facing years ago. The world's gotten much, much harder. And I'm sure you see that. So I am just so awed by the fact that you're doing this work. I think it's incredibly difficult. So tell me a little bit. Let's go back first, because I'm so curious. You know, when you say I was a troubled teen, I feel like I was too, although I was so much fun back then, tell me a little bit about what you were like as a teenager, what you went through, however much you're comfortable, sure, sure.

Keesha Scott: 3:27

So I'm also sober 2023, years. Congratulations. Thank you. So with that comes a little bit of a rocky period. I think for most sober people, I would say, as a teenager, I grew up in a great family. I have three brothers. Often you hear in AA, alcoholics, anonymous stories, a troubled family environment. I did not have that experience. I had a great childhood. But I do think I always, just for whatever reason, felt a little bit inadequate in my own space, in my own world, I had trouble, like navigating emotions and that sort of thing. We moved to Boca Raton, Florida when I was in sixth grade. I attribute that to a lot of my downfall. Really, really how so? Because I grew up, you know, in the small town in North Carolina, if you could run fast, you were popular. That was the end of the story. There was no fucking name brands. It was that wasn't a thing, you know. And then we, all of a sudden, were plucked out of that and put into, you know, a very wealthy town where the focus was on very different things. I was in sixth grade, which is, you know, for girls like such a big deal, you know, vulnerable age, such a vulnerable age. And the other thing that was noteworthy is my older brother, he went to high school, and my two younger brothers went to elementary school. So for the first time, I was alone. I was facing things like sex and drugs and things that I wasn't comfortable with. Having new friends, yeah, like, all at once. So I think, you know, for me, moving at that age was really tough, and I, you know, started to separate a little bit from my family. And by the time I got to high school, I, you know, was struggling a lot. I started to dabble in drugs and alcohol. You know, one of the reasons I love the work I do, and I specifically love teenage girls, is because when I was in high school, I had a basketball coach. His name was coach Jon Jones, a little shout out. And I believe, to this day, that he changed my life. You know, he was so. So motivated and so just immersed in the growth, you know, my growth and helping me, and as I have parented my own kids, I don't see a ton of that, you know, I think everybody's more, a little bit more self focused these days. There's so much pressure, and also there's so much pressure on the coaches and teachers. You know, he was so much, you know, he would help me after school and, you know, and I think that that really shaped the trajectory of my life. So I really am committed to trying to be that for someone else.

Colette Fehr: 6:15

I think that's huge. I really do, because a lot of teens tell, or a lot of adults tell stories like that, of feeling lost or going through a really hard time as a teenager, and there was one person in their life, and it often wasn't the parent necessarily. You know, there are certain limitations to how much influence Sometimes a parent can have, but if you have that person who believes in you, who can get in there with you and guide you and model it can change the trajectory of your life. So the I'm curious too, before we get into you know, some helpful tidbits for parents who are dealing with teens, what do you see as the landscape for teenagers today? What's different? I mean, I know every generation says, oh, you know, it's not the way it used to be, but I really don't think it's the way it used to be. And I think things have changed. Some things have even gotten worse than 10 years ago, when my daughters were teenagers. So what are you think are some of the actual stressors and challenges for teens now? I think

Keesha Scott: 7:21

there's a few obvious things. I think technology and, you know, the social media being on the scene is certainly troublesome, specifically for that age. You know, when we were younger, when I'm 51 so when I was younger, there were no cell phones, no social media. So if I made it through a tough day at school and I made it home, I was home safe. These kids are never home safe, because, you know, the world is in your pocket on your phone at all times. So I think that creates a tremendous amount of like, ongoing present stress that we probably didn't have to deal with. With that also comes a lot of body image stuff, because the image that they see is often not realistic, right? And it's not real, not real time, it's AI, not even real, not real for different reasons. But, you know, I deal with teenage girls a lot and body image, and you know, that is a huge, huge sore spot. I don't remember as a teenager caring about my body, really, or being super. I was very athletic. I was into sports. There wasn't, like, a huge focus on that. Also, girls dress different, many, many years ago, you know, there's, there's a real focus on their bodies. And so I think social media, technology, body image, and then also for me, I'm in the substance use space. And you know, the drugs now are extremely potent and different, you know, THC, by itself, is, you know, doubled in potency. So you're, you're just dealing with intensity on every front right? So I think a lot of the stuff is the same. Probably the feelings that you and I had are similar, but the world around them is very different, and just in large part,

Colette Fehr: 9:15

more intense. The intensity has ratcheted up, and the accessibility of all these factors you describe. I'm 52 so I'm right there with you now. I was very, very wrapped up in body image as a teenager, but, you know, maybe that was like, more of an effortless thing for you if you were athletic or but we didn't have the comparison in our face, and we know psychologically that we're comparative creatures, right? So to constantly see, for a young brain, what you're supposed to look like, and you don't feel like you can be that, or you post something and nobody responds or likes, or you go, you see that your friends have gone to an event and you were excluded. I mean, the ways that you can that hurt and ostracize. That part

Keesha Scott: 10:03

is so intense when my teenagers are 19, and when I first learned about Snapchat and snap map, like I remember, we were at the mall, and my daughter looked at her phone, and she was like, Oh my gosh, so and so is here. And I'm like, How do you know? You know? And she showed me little avatar people, all the little avatar people. It's like crazy. And so the idea that there could be a party that she wasn't included in, and you could see everyone that was there, it was like, Wow. I mean, the emotions that they have to navigate and the frequency that they have to navigate. Negate them is just on steroids.

Colette Fehr: 10:42

Yeah, it's too much. And it's too much for it's too much for adults, so it's too much for a developing brain. You know, we, if we're the about the same age, maybe you played sports and I didn't, but we were running around the neighborhood, and, you know, there was all of that healthy outdoor activity. And like you said, you come home and you're safe. It's the TV or you're on the phone with your friend, maybe gossiping about the boy you like, but your brain is not constantly being bombarded with all of also,

Keesha Scott: 11:14

I don't know how your family was growing up, but I grew up in a family where there was one phone and it was in the living room, so if you wanted privacy, you had to, like, tuck your body behind the couch. You know what I mean, there was only so much, like, you know, privacy you were gonna get these kids all have cell phones. They're in their room. They have access to the entire internet in their room, alone at 14, right? Which is scary. It's just wild. It's really scary. So with that being said, you know, the experiences that they're having, especially the youth that I deal with, these kids, are, you know, dabbling in drugs and alcohol. They're typically, you know, promiscuous. You know, the things that they're dealing with are already a little heightened. It's a lot, it's tough,

Colette Fehr: 11:59

yeah, okay, so tell me a little bit about this. From the behavioral aspect, you have these treatment centers so and we're talking about dabbling and drugs and alcohol, and maybe there's promiscuity. What are some of the issues that get a teen or that not get a teen in, but like that somebody ends up feeling like their kid needs treatment. What are some of the markers for that? Because when I was young, everybody was dabbling at everything, and I'm not saying that's a good thing,

Keesha Scott: 12:29

but Right? I think that's a good point, because I think there is some misconception around, I don't know. I think parenting has gotten a little bit misguided in that right? Then, like a lot of people, and myself included, buy into this idea that kids do this, right? Teenagers are tough, teenagers drink, teenagers smoke weed. We all smoked weed, you know, so that's how

Colette Fehr: 12:53

our generation was. Yeah,

Keesha Scott: 12:56

the thing is, is that you can't be asleep at the wheel as a parent anymore. It's just that the marijuana these kids are smoking is not the weed we were smoking, the things that these kids have access to, it is not the same. Muscles, fentanyl, right, right? So parenting just, you know, unfortunately or fortunately, it's it isn't just this. It isn't the same anymore, you know. So I think, you know, in large part, we as a society and as parents, have to wake up a little bit, and we have to move the needle on parent a little bit differently. But in terms of what people seek treatment for, I think it's when kids go beyond the dabbling, right? And it starts to impact their behavior. Some early signs are, you know, kids beginning to not communicate at all. You know, grades dropping social. You know, socializing becoming very different,

Colette Fehr: 13:49

like isolating, with trying

Keesha Scott: 13:51

isolating, but also the kids that they choose to be around, oftentimes, kids that start to struggle on a level that needs treatment. They they stop engaging in their sports or whatever their extracurricular activities are, okay, their life will start to look different. For sure. I believe in outsourcing as much as possible, like we let off with my basketball coach. You know, kids don't want to talk to their moms all the time. I happen to have kids that, like, tell me everything, and my friends are always like, You're so lucky. I'm like, not really. It's not always fun to hear, right? But it is good, yeah, it is healthy. But not all kids are talkers, right? Not all kids want to tell their parents, and not all moms are equipped to handle the information. And I so true. Part of being a parent is like putting your ego down, knowing when you need to outsource, knowing when you need help. You know, parents call me a lot for that, and you can get sometimes other people get much further with your kid.

Colette Fehr: 14:53

It's so true. You know, especially the right person who understands, gives the kid space to unpack, and then you can really get in there and help coach and guide the kid and the family. I mean, do you work with both?

Keesha Scott: 15:05

I do. I do. So I'm a certified parenting coach, so I often start with the parents. But you know, my love is teenagers. I there's just nothing I love more than being in a room with a teenage girl who won't speak, won't talk to their parents, is angry, is acting out. I just identify so much with that, like I'm 51 but all of a sudden I'm 15. Yeah, you can relate. I can relate, and I love it. And there's nothing more rewarding, because while that seems so tough. Off to people. They're so much more predictable and so much easier. They want out. They want to talk. So if you can provide them a space that's somewhat safe, but also, you know, it's like, it's like they only speak a certain language, right, and like everybody's coming at them speaking the wrong language. So when they, when they see that, you see them, it's like,

Colette Fehr: 16:07

boom. It just, it changes everything.

Keesha Scott: 16:09

Changed everything, and it's usually relatively quick, yeah, and I

Colette Fehr: 16:13

like that you're saying this piece about outsourcing, because I think part of the problem of why teens feel so difficult for parents is parents are terrified. You know, the stakes are so much higher when you talk about the intensity ratcheted up. You know, the stakes of getting hooked on drugs today or dabbling even in drugs when there's a Fentanyl crisis? You know, so many of these things are life threatening. We used to have a little more room to mess up back in our day that these kids today don't have everything's recorded for forever, for posterity. You know, you make a mistake. It could be on social media. You don't get into college, you don't get a job, right? You take the wrong drug, you die. So it just feels like everything, the stakes are so high that parents are in their panicked and that approach isn't always going to get through. So this is where somebody else coming in is helping, who isn't really in the system, whose emotions aren't activated in the same way, and who can speak the language that reaches this team girl who's longing desperately for someone to show her a way out of her pain. Yes, I can really see the value of that.

Keesha Scott: 17:29

So many of the parents that call me are are scared of their kids, right? It's like they don't. They're in a spot now where they they can't move right? Because if they push too hard, you can't do this, or you can't do that, then the kids are different. Now, you know, they just pop off, they leave, they run away. I can remember my daughter was really tough, and at 15 she would run away, you know, and you're just tortured because you're

Colette Fehr: 17:55

like, so unsafe, right?

Keesha Scott: 17:57

Like, I ran away at 15. I can tell you this, my mom came found me. It was like a day later. I thought I was going to be like on the cover. I thought it was going to be like a milk cartons, right? Like, I thought everyone was be devastated, scared. I was so excited to just like, torture the whole family. My mom walked into that house, pulled me out by my ear, and let me know that this is not the way it was going to go, that they both work full time. They don't have time for my bullshit. I better get my ass. You know? It was like, and I was like, Oh, my God, look. I never ran away again. Wow. Things are very different now. You say that to a kid now and they're just out, yeah,

Colette Fehr: 18:39

you know what? That wouldn't have worked on me, like that break, every kid's different. Like, I would have been like, Okay, well, I'll just try harder, you know, I thought

Keesha Scott: 18:47

I would have been. I think there's also something to growing up poor, like, grow up with no money, there was no resources, there was nothing in like, you knew, as a kid, like, we had what we had, we had one TV. My Mom won it at her work, you know? Like, I don't know, I think, like, I was really tough, and I fought my mom tooth and nail. But when things like that were said, you knew that they meant

Colette Fehr: 19:11

it right then, that it was like, survive.

Keesha Scott: 19:13

Never be money for treatment, like there just weren't resources, you know, yeah, so you took it

Colette Fehr: 19:19

really seriously. Got through, yeah, and I think you're right, depends on the situation, depends on the kid. And thank God there are resources like what you're offering. But what advice would you give to parents who have a difficult teen, or they perceive they have a difficult teen, and you know, maybe this kid would benefit from treatment, maybe they wouldn't. But just in general, parenting in this climate today that well, you're saying we have to be so much more active and intentional. You're right the sleep at the wheel. I mean, that was the parenting of the 80s. I grew up in wonderful, loving parents were like no one had any clue what we were doing with anything. We can't do it now. So what would you tell these parents to parent more effectively in today's world?

Keesha Scott: 20:03

Well, I think one, I mean, I've already said it outsourcing, but to me, that's a huge thing. I think first and foremost, you have to look under the hood, right? You have to be willing to take a peek at yourself, which isn't fun, like your book, you know, it's not super fun, right? But I think we all come to the parenting party with shit. You know, we all bring our baggage. Yeah, and so whatever you're coming to the parenting party with, you're likely parenting from that place, and that's not always great. So I think you take a peek under the hood. Hopefully you're as healthy as you can be. And then I think when the kid isn't receptive, you outsource as much as you can. So whether that be a coach, like I had a teacher, whomever, an aunt, you know, whatever it is, with my daughter, she was so difficult that I called them moles. I had people planted everywhere. She thought she had a trainer that was that wasn't a trainer. That was somebody who, you know, she she was a trainer, but she was also young and beautiful and super healthy, and as they were training weights, the girl would talk to her about not being promiscuous and being healthy. She was babysitting, but she was babysitting for a woman I knew who could help her with this. And so I had people everywhere at every turn to help my daughter, because my daughter wasn't willing to listen to me, so I think part of it is being willing to outsource that. And I think, like you said, everyone's different, and you are the expert in your kid, but you may not be able to reach them, so knowing what station they'll listen to, and then it's your job to find that, provide that.

Colette Fehr: 21:41

Yeah, do you take a stance at all? I'm just curious on a certain kind of parenting approach, like, Do you believe and, and we were talking about not having laissez faire parenting. And, you know, this is such a valuable point, because I realized, like we do, we tend to parent either we want to be not like our parents were, but we might end up doing it anyway, or we parent the way we were parented. I mean, I had very laissez faire parents. They tried not to be, but I made them laissez faire, and then I kind of ended up like that too, and it worked well with one kid, but not the other. So do you take a stance on being really involved, having a lot of discipline, versus being more removed and permissive.

Keesha Scott: 22:28

Yeah. Actually, in my book, there's a chapter called parenting techniques Gone Wild, and it sort of goes through all the different techniques and why none of them really are a one size fits. All right. It's, it's just like adults. I mean, everybody's different. So, you know, gentle parenting works. Maybe if you have a gentle kid, my daughter came out middle fingers up, there was no gentle parenting that would have like, been impactful. So what do you do with

Colette Fehr: 22:53

a kid who comes out like, Fuck you, mom. How do you approach that kind of kid?

Keesha Scott: 23:00

Yeah, I mean, I figured out pretty young. I'll just give one quick example. There's a book called 123, magic, okay, and I bought it when my kids were little, and I have twins, and so I would do this technique. And it was very simple. It was literally that 123, and then magic was supposed to happen. So they're starting to do something, and you say one, two, and it's to give them a warning that they then start to associate with, you know, consequence, or whatever. So I would do that. And by two, my son would be like a soldier, you know, he would hear two, and he would stand up straighter. He would, you know, he would immediately conform. By two, she would look at me like we were gonna get in a fight. Fist Fight in the front yard, you know, it was like, she would, she would bow out, you know, she would blow up her chest, and she would ready to fight. She was like, what was three? Like, fist, I'm ready, Yeah, I'm ready. Bring it. And so it was, like, a perfect example for me, early of two things. One, techniques aren't for every kid, yeah, right, yeah. And two, she wasn't a 123, magic kid, and so I

Colette Fehr: 24:03

learned, but it worked great for your son.

Keesha Scott: 24:05

Worked great for my son. So yeah, same thing as I imagine teachers do and trainers do, and you really have to become an expert in your kid and knowing how to navigate that. So for a kid like my daughter, which was so hard for me, because I had so many convictions about how I wanted to parent. I was parenting more like the fafo parenting the fuck around and find out parenting. That's how my parents are, you know, my dad was like, You fuck around, you find out. That was the end of the story, you know. And that is how he parented all four of us, and that was the end. So with my daughter, I tried that sort of stuff, and it just didn't work. And so around 14, I started to realize that I had to look at myself, and I had to ask myself, Why was I so invested in her behaving a particular way? Why did I want her to fit in this box? Why did I want that. And when I started investigating that and looking at myself, I was able to let her be a little more free. Yeah, she required more freedom than my son, and so I had to start giving as much as I could say yes, as much as possible. So when I needed to say no, it meant something. I think that's really

Colette Fehr: 25:21

valuable for people listening, because I think it can be so scary as a parent to know when, okay, maybe I want to give freedom, but I'm scared that this kid's going to be unsafe or or get in trouble or get hurt. And I like that idea of okay, if a kid needs more freedom, because they have a really. Strong personality, and they need to express themselves and feel like they have some agency. Give it where you can, and then make those no's pick your battles and make them

Keesha Scott: 25:51

count, and give it where you can, with boundaries. And also, something I did with my daughter, which I'm a huge advocate for, is to front load. So I would say, look, I didn't plan on letting you go to the mall alone until, you know, another year or two, but I'm gonna let you go to the mall alone today, and here's what it's gonna look like. Yeah, and if you can stay in this then you can go to the mall alone.

Colette Fehr: 26:15

So give these kids a chance to earn Yes, this freedom, contained freedom with boundaries by right like here I'm giving you. I wasn't going to do this, but you're giving them a chance to, like, earn more by proving to you that they can stick to the boundaries. But also, I like what you're saying about you're going to have to really be an expert in each kid and have flexibility and nuance and adaptability, and often this may mean outsourcing and getting kids help, because somebody else might be able to get through and it's not necessarily a therapist. It might be a teach, a coach, a teacher, a coach, somebody you hire, that you bring in who can help you figure out what's going on with your kid, or get through to them.

Keesha Scott: 27:03

It might be their friend's parent, you know, if you can't afford to do when my daughter was 14, I mean, she's a great example, but she used to want to go to this park and hang out with all these kids. And I was just tortured. I'm like, she's 14 years old. She was wild as a day, as long, you know. And I was so worried, but it was like the options were like, you know, my brothers or people who had kids that conform would say, why didn't you just say no, or, Why doesn't she not be allowed or get grounded or whatever? Sometimes those aren't options. When you have a kid that is willing to run away, right, do fucked up things like, what are you gonna do right? And it's often that I always say it should be called something different, because my brother's over here parenting a kid that's doing their homework waking up to an alarm like it's a different animal. You know, when you have a kid that wakes up with their middle fingers up and they are not going to conform, and you can feel it, you can take away whatever you want to, but when they don't care about the consequences, you're up against a wall. And the goal can't always just be to get them to conform, because ultimately, the goal should be that they grow and that they're happy and they're successful and they flourish

Colette Fehr: 28:15

exactly that they're set up for adult

Keesha Scott: 28:17

life you're teaching, right? So sometimes you have to take a step back and say, Okay, what are my goals here? And this path isn't working right, right?

Colette Fehr: 28:25

And then you've got to be able to adapt and get the help if you need it. So we've talked a lot about teenage girls, and I don't know if you work with this as much, but there's a real crisis for young men in today's world. You know, many young men, I think more than 60% have never asked a woman on a date, a girl on a date, they're addicted to pornography. They're addicted to video games. They're isolating and withdrawing. Are you seeing a lot of that those types of issues in your treatment centers? And any words of advice for parents dealing with those issues?

Keesha Scott: 28:59

Sure, we have a adolescent treatment center in New Jersey. We take boys and girls. Specifically, I coach girls. But it's it all is rooted in the same thing. It comes from the same place, you know. So I think the answer still lies in, there's no Parenting from the couch with a teenager. There's no having your feet up. We have to be alert. We have to know what's going on. It's the same thing with social media and technology, which is really where the porn comes from. And it's about open communication for your kids, and most importantly, it's about not having an ego in your parenting, and not thinking that your kid is above anything. You know, it's like parents are asleep at the wheel, and we have to be aware of what's going on, what they're doing. And you don't want to be their friend, but you have to be in it enough that they feel safe talking to

Colette Fehr: 29:53

you, right, right, to get really get curious about because I'll have, I mean, I don't focus on parenting in my work with couples, I'm focused on their attachment bond, and then, you know, of course, this, if they're good, this can help them deal with everything else in their lives. But I do hear from so many people, God, we just can't get our kid out of the room. They're on the video, even if it's not pornography. I mean, these things are so dopamine inducing and addictive, so many kids at a time when their brain is so vulnerable, they're getting pulled into these things that make their brain ping, and they're spending their whole social life now online or on a video game. But a lot of that,

Keesha Scott: 30:35

too is the absolute parenting so like, get out of your room. You can't do this. Yes, get off of this. I really believe in working with and towards a little bit of collaboration. So listen, I know you want to be in your room, in the cold, in your bed, watching your video game, talking to your friend. I'm with you, hang out with me for 45 minutes, sitting outside, throw the ball to the dog and like, talk to me about your day, and then go retreat to your room. Love you. You have to work with

Colette Fehr: 31:05

them, collaborate, meet them where they are, come alongside, and then guide. And then that way you're able to get in a little bit of what's good and healthy for them without the absolute of you will not retreat to your room and play video games. That's brilliant, because immediately

Keesha Scott: 31:21

they they retreat within themselves, because in large part, teenagers feel misunderstood, right? They and they feel that you don't get them, that you'll hear that from every teenager on the planet. My mom does not understand. Oh yeah, you don't get it. You don't get me. So then they retreat to their room, where that that narrative grows? Yeah, right. I do a Tuesday night teenage girl call, and so we get on the phone, and it's literally my favorite hour of the week. And, you know, they're constantly my mom. She's this, she's that, she doesn't understand me. I get to give them the perspective of a mother of their mom, right? But also it reminds me that we have to, we're the adult. We have to be smarter, be bigger, like, you know, and work with them. They want to do this. We want them to do that. So the first thing is to identify. I see, I see you. I know you have to

Colette Fehr: 32:17

validate and join and throw a

Keesha Scott: 32:19

few curse words in the mix. I mean, you know, like you have to speak their language. It really isn't rocket science. Teenagers are my favorite people on Earth. They're amazing. You just have to speak their language.

Colette Fehr: 32:31

I love that. It's so true. And I think this idea of outsourcing and getting help, because the reality is, you can't be asleep at the wheel, but you really may need that other person that your teen is willing to let down the guard with a little bit much more easily than they sometimes will with a parent. I mean, it just really makes sense. I would tell you, still today, my mom and I talk every day. I'm 52 years old. She did not understand me as a teenager. I stand by it, right? It's so true.

Keesha Scott: 33:00

By it too. My mom would stand by it. She was she was perplexed, and I think she

Colette Fehr: 33:05

would admit, I think my mom would tell you, I nearly killed her, but just with worry and stress and anxiety. But this is such a huge thing. We parenting today is different. So any final words of wisdom that you want to leave our listeners with, I would like to leave the

Keesha Scott: 33:21

listeners with this. I took my daughter to a therapist when she was very young, and the woman, after spending some time with her, came out and said, I've got good news and bad news. She said the bad news is she's gonna be very tough to raise. She said the good news is she will never, ever be talked into anything she doesn't want to do because she's not going to fall victim to peer pressure. She's not going to be talked into shit. And let me tell you what, she's 19 years old, she's amazing. You couldn't talk her into anything if you tried, but she was hell on earth to parent. And so a lot of the kids that are tough to parent turn out to be some of the most amazing, strong adults.

Colette Fehr: 34:01

I agree with that. I've seen that in my own trajectory and in life, right? Like, yeah, for sure, strong will, a strong personality can make for a great adult.

Keesha Scott: 34:11

Yeah, you can't have both. It's like, it's like a husband, you know what? I mean, you can't have a kid that's in line and perfect and pays attention and easy and then they're just gonna pop out to be dynamic, have a voice comfortable talking. Life doesn't work like that. So I think, you know, take your hits while they're young, and you'll have a dynamic adult. I love that.

Colette Fehr: 34:33

So true. Okay, so tell our listeners where they can find you when your book is coming out. All that good stuff, yes. So my book is

Keesha Scott: 34:41

coming out in a year. It will be called cake for dinner. So keep an eye out for that. My website is www, dot Keisha scott.com, Instagram. I'm at Keisha W Scott and Guardian recovery website. They can also find us there if they have specific substance use issues.

Colette Fehr: 35:03

Wonderful. I have a feeling a lot of people are going to be reaching out. And you guys follow Keisha, her stuff is wonderful. Your book's going to be great, and you're going to help a lot of people. So thank you so much for being our guest on insights from the couch. We loved having you. Awesome. Thank you. You