Raising Grit: How Parents Build Resilience Without Over-Rescuing With Author ,Beth Canalichio MSW LCSW

We explore how to raise capable, confident kids by shifting from rescuing to guiding. Beth Canalichio shares practical tools for validation, tech boundaries, natural consequences, and self-reflection that help families build real resilience.

• what grit looks like in everyday family life
• overhelping versus teaching kids to think
• tech limits that protect attention and social skills
• movement, play and creative identity building
• validating feelings without removing the challenge
• deciding when to step in or step back
• modeling courage, accountability and repair
• helping sensitive or anxious kids build capability
• using empathy to de-escalate conflict
• replacing lectures with curiosity and questions
• working through guilt and self-doubt as parents
• seeking support through friends, journaling and therapy

Visit raisinggrit.net to learn more, read reviews and order Beth's Book. Raising Grit: Face Your Unconscious, Deal with Your Issues, Become a Great Parent.

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_00 0:31

My goal is to provide you genuine, useful content that's educational and informative. Thanks for tuning in. I hope you find our conversations both enlightening and empowering. I'm glad you're here.

Defining Grit And Why It Matters

Overhelping Parents And Capable Kids

Tech Boundaries And Social Skills

Movement, Outdoor Play, And Confidence

Everyday Moments To Teach Thinking

When To Step In Or Step Back

Validate Feelings Without Fixing

Parents’ Past And Self-Reflection

Modeling Resilience At Home

Grit For Sensitive Or Anxious Kids

Curiosity Over Control In Parenting

Empathy, Not Taking Things Personally

Letting Consequences Teach

Handling Doubt And Giving Space

Guilt As A Sign, Not A Seat

Keep Playful: Laughter Builds Bond

Nonjudgmental Space With Accountability

Final Advice And Where To Find Beth

SPEAKER_01 0:45

Hi, welcome to What Would Sabrina say? I'm my host, Sabrina Zhong, licensed clinical social worker. And today I have on with me Beth Canalicchio, also licensed clinical social worker. Thanks for joining me today, Beth. Thank you for having me. Today I'm excited to talk about Beth's book, Raising Grit, and it's such an important time, I think, in parenting to have such a guide for parents, opportunities for parents to reflect on their own experiences in life, their own childhood, and how that can impact the interaction with their children. So thanks so much again, Beth. And if you'd like to share about yourself as you know, social worker and author, and um, yeah, we could dive into learning more about your book. Okay. So I am an LCSW. Um, started off my career working in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient programs. Uh, did some crisis work and work in nonprofits, with my ultimate goal being being to be in private practice. And so I also worked part-time as a contractor in a middle school, high school setting. And my career spans 27 years, and um in my private practice, which was about 23 years, I worked with kids ages 12 and up, and treated people with depression, anxiety, trauma. I did a lot of couples work and a lot of family intervention. I retired in 21. I was wondering what raising grit meant for you when when we talk about grit, what that means to share with listeners. Well, I do put a definition of it in the front of my book, which and there were varying definitions, and this is the one that I like best. Grit is firmness of mind or spirit, unneelding courage in the face of hardship or danger, bravery, and strength of character. Why do you think it's important to talk about grit at this time? Well, I want to share with you what really spurred me on to write this book, and that'll probably answer that question. I was experiencing um a lot of parents bringing their children into therapy and asking me to fix them. And um, it was really them that needed the fixing. And one of the things that I noticed was happening a lot, which was very concerning to me, is that parents were starting over my career, the later half of it, were starting to really do too much for their kids, trying to protect them from suffering, not teaching them to think, doing the thinking for them, being controlling. And so I was noticing that a lot of kids were not feeling capable and confident and strong-minded. And I wanted to help change that. Right. So noticing perhaps how you know parenting or parenting strategies were impacting the child, the parent-child dynamics. Yes. I find too, you've touched on such important topics where there not might not be so much information on for parents, like navigating social media and setting boundaries there. I was wondering if you can touch more around why that's so helpful to have boundaries and to set set that around technology. Around technology. Around technology. Well, I mean, you've probably seen this as well that our kids are spending an enormous amount of time on technology and they're not learning social skills, social cues, they're not learning how to connect with people, to have conversations, to look people in the eye, to say please and thank you, to introduce themselves. And so I really want to encourage parents to be aware of the amount of technology that their children are using to help them be able to navigate socially, um, to be able to spend their time being creative, engaged, finding hobbies and interests to develop their identity, which also develops feelings of capability and confidence. And so for me, it's really important for all those reasons to be able to help your children navigate structure around technology. Right. So you're noticing that children may struggle in different areas socially, um, and and maybe perhaps not building on certain skills if they're too dependent on on technology or um, you know, having success and seeing the effects of that. Yes. And well, and the other thing to add that I neglected to mention was just them moving their bodies. Yes. Being physically active. We're s we're not meant to be sedentary, and it's it's so hard for parents, I think, these days, to encourage kids to get out there, be outside, to go outdoors and play and socialize. I was just saying to my husband today, we were in a car and we were going through a neighborhood, and I was saying to him that the neighborhoods near me, um, I live on 10 acres, but um the neighborhoods near me um you don't see the children out playing. And today is so important as you know, we learn those clinicians for children to problem solve, work through their world, um, be able to find ways to communicate. And to be creative and also to solve problems, to be able to get along, to be able to um work through communication issues with their peers. So your book really highlights why you believe grit is so such a critical trait for kids in today's world. Yes. Seeing the effects of perhaps not having that resiliency be helped to be developed or supported. Um, I was wondering if you could share what are some everyday opportunities parents can have with their kids where grit can be built naturally. It's looking for daily opportunities to teach children to think, to find solutions, to state how they feel, how they can cope. Um really working with them to help them figure it out instead of us telling them what to do. So looking for daily opportunities to teach them to think. It sounds like it's to support and courage parents to allow children to make mistakes. Absolutely. We learn so much from making mistakes, from struggle. Um, and that's one of the things that I was mentioning earlier when we first started talking was so many parents I noticed would try to shield their kids from suffering. And when we do that, we're thwarting opportunities for them to learn, to develop resilience and to develop to develop feelings of capability. And no parent wants that for their child. No, you want them to develop ways to cope with things and to grow. Absolutely. I know you've also touched on this in your book. How can a parent decide when to step in and when to step back? That is a really tough one. And it's one I I think I mentioned in the book, my son is almost 22 and finding that spot of when to lean in and try to help guide if he wants guidance and to step back, you know, it's an it's an ongoing issue uh all throughout parenting. But I think we need to ask ourselves, you know, a question I pose in the book, which is whose problem is this mine or theirs? And something like your child not remembering to put their homework in their book bag is their problem, not your problem. So that is one way to work on figuring that out, is to be reflecting on that question. I think leaning in and asking your child sometimes if they need help with a solution or they would like some guidance. I'm a big fan of asking them questions instead of telling them what to do. So those are two tips, I suppose, to help is to ask yourself, is this their problem or mine? And to ask them questions to try and get them to come up with the answers. What it's sort of sometimes up validating the child's feelings without removing the challenge. Absolutely. I spend the first part of the book talking a lot about validating and acknowledging your child, which is extremely beneficial and I believe one of the most important tools on our tool belt as parents. But yeah, sometimes we just have to say, hey, I see that hurts, or I see you're struggling with that. And that's enough rather than us swooping in and rescuing and trying to fix it. So we talk about helping children to have courage, to make mistakes, be resilient. And we're also talking about parenting and how parents' own struggles internally can affect. So, why is it so important for a parent to process and work through their own childhood experiences or perhaps triggers in parenting? Well, if we don't reflect on our own unresolved issues, our own pain, our own bad behaviors, then they will invariably come out in our parenting onto our children and negatively affect the way in which we parent and also our relationship with our child. So um the better equipped we are to be aware of our own problems and issues, the more healthy we will be when we're relating to our kids, when we're disciplining them, when we're interacting with them, we're parenting them. Right. How important would it be for parents to model grit in their own lives then? Well, you know, our children are watching. Sometimes it feels like they're not listening and that they're not um taking us seriously or considering what we're saying, but they're watching all the time. And so to model grit and resilience and the willingness to push through, to face adversity, to not give up, they're observing that. And they will learn that as a model for how to face their own challenges in their own life. You know, what we how we say and how we speak about things is we're their biggest influencers. So how we say and how we speak about ourselves and how we speak about things in life, they're learning that that that that's the way to relate to themselves in the world as well. So when we can demonstrate grit and resilience, they will, you know, that will rub off on them. Right. So seeing their parents problem solve and work through things. Yes, and they learn they learn how to do it by watching us. And what about kids who are naturally more sensitive or anxious? Parents might be wondering would trying to help raise with grit be maybe too hard or demanding for them? That's a great question. I feel like there's, you know, we could see grit in a negative light. Like it means we shouldn't have feelings, or we need to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, or we need to just press on and ignore emotions or problems. And I don't see it that way at all. So I think that for anxious kids, again, that whole concept of teaching our kids to think, acknowledging them, asking them, what do you think about that? What would you do if you were in that situation? What are some solutions to this? What are your choices? Show me how you can be courageous. Those sorts of ways of relating um are not the pick yourself up by your feet straps kind of approach. It's really just seeking to help your child feel capable. And when a child feels capable, they're going to be much less anxious, if at all. Right. What I really liked about your book was that not only was it helpful in giving parenting tips on raising children to problem solve, to regulate, to feel heard, but again, that piece for parents to explore their own parenting experience, their own understanding around communication, um, how they might have felt supported or not. And I think parents have a good understanding of how they don't want to raise their kids based on their own experience or what they don't want to do. But then it's like, how do you find what you do then? And especially nowadays where there's so much information everywhere. So I was just wondering what it was like for you in your own reflection process. So, what was it like for me to come up with those? Honestly, those were questions when I went through my own therapy 20 some years ago. Those were those were things that I started to look at myself. It was like um a complete rehaul of the way I saw myself and the way I saw relationships. And so one of the tools that I learned that I think is really good for parents to have on their tool belt is to ask yourself when you have a strong reaction to something, whether you're really angry or you feel jealous or you feel scared, is sit to look inside and say, what is this about for me? What's coming up for me right now? What do I need to address here in myself to help to heal this? So that's a great tool. Or, you know, you're you're saying that people don't want to repeat the same behaviors. And if you're connected to why you're having strong reactions to things, then you can make true and lasting change so that you're handling things much differently than you once did or you were taught to handle. Right. So understanding where it's coming from and working around self-reflection and being able to do that for yourself and also helping your children to develop that. Yes. It's a big deal to be able to look inside yourself and figure out what's going on with you rather than pointing your finger outside of yourself or wanting to blame your kids or blame your spouse or blame your parents, is it's just I can't emphasize it enough how empowering it is to be able to look inside inside. Right. To develop uh self-awareness to check in and notice, okay, I'm I'm feeling something physically here, or you know, where are these thoughts coming up from? Are these uncomfortable sensations? Seeing what it's really about. That's right. Problem to solve. Um, I think it's this method of reflection and process that you're mapping out for parents is also helpful for raising children who could put themselves in someone else's shoes. Yes. Help the parents do that as well, too. Yeah. Why do you think that's so important to have that skill as well? Be empathetic and to be able to do that. For kids? Well, I think um one of the other important things that I talk about in the book for coping skills and you teaching your child coping skills is not to take things personally. And when we can empathize with someone else or be able to say, I don't really know what's going on with them, why they're behaving like this. Um it helps to be able to cope with the situation or communicate effectively or let it go. So empathizing helps with that. It also helps, you know, if a child can learn to be empathetic, they can actually have the tools and the power to be able to de-escalate a situation rather than reacting. And it's just the you know, kind, human thing to do, um to be able to be empathetic and um try to suspend judgment about what maybe someone else is going through or why they're behaving the way you're behaving. Right. I really what I enjoy about your book, Beth, is that you've touched on so many different pages, milestones in your book. You shared your own personal journey and experience, the work you've done around your own parenting and seeing how you're impacting your own child and the hardships of letting go of allowing mistakes to be made, allowing choices to be made. Um, you talked about your son being suspended and how that was hard to in your book and allowing for consequences. The other child played video games at home, right? So um I think it was so authentic in sharing about the growing pains, the journey, and also seeing your son being a successful adult. Yes. Also being able to share how allowing him to make this mistakes has impacted him as well and be the person that he is. You know, you probably got this from the book that on that topic that that's been really hard for me. That's been really challenging. And again, I know it's challenging for a lot of parents because I kept seeing them trying to prevent their child from hurting and again trying to fix their problem. So, you know, letting go is really, really important for your child to feel like they are able to be who they were uniquely designed to be. And I I think it's was my responsibility as a parent to be able to work on that within myself. That was my problem, not his problem to bear. So um letting go, it's it's really um, I think for a lot of parents, a very challenging part of the journey. For parents listening might feel exhausted or unsure, right, about trying something different or something new, um, or letting go. What would you want them to hear? I want them to hear that this is part of it and they're not alone and to keep working on it. And definitely, you know, I think it's helpful when we are able to acknowledge what it is that we're struggling with rather than to push it down, because then we can work on fixing it or healing it. So I would say to parents not to try and suffer in silence or shut it down, but to be able to journal about it, to talk about it to trusted other parents that you have in your life, or to be able to lean on support systems, to be able to talk about this journey of parenting and the struggles that we have on the journey. So those are a few things that I would say. I think part of modeling that grit is being comfortable with asking for help and seeking out support. It is. When you don't, when you can't figure it out yourself or you're struggling to figure it out yourself, yes, we we don't have all the answers. We all have our issues that we're gonna work on through the entire lifespan. And I always have said that I, when I was providing therapy all those years, I worked with the strong ones. I worked with people who were amazing, who wanted to change their life. And I really that was a sacred honor. And so it's a strength to be able to say, hey, I want to be better. That's not a weakness, right? And when you think of kids with different temperaments, um, whether they're experiencing anxiety or different ages, I all your tips apply because this is just about being curious, validating, showing that a child is being seen and heard, has an agency and has choices. So no matter the temperament, no matter the um challenges a parent, I think is facing right now, these tools are very applicable or you know, strategies and solutions that you give. And for parents who may want to do more in reflecting, if things come up, would it be helpful then for them to seek out therapy or seek out parenting support? Most definitely. Again, I mean, wanting to be better, wanting to improve, wanting to be the best person you can be, there's a lot of honor in that. And so I encourage anyone who's if they read the book or just that they're listening and realize that they have some issues to work on to most definitely seek out support. And was there a time in in making these changes when you think of grit and and supporting your son that you doubted your approach? Oh my god. A million times, a million times over. Yes. Yes, there were times when I got in my approach. Again, especially as he got older, I found that the harder part when you started to become more independent and um, you know, was ready to flee the nest flee. Not necessarily flee, but you know what I'm saying? Fly the nest. Yes, there were many times where I got it myself. And sometimes I lean on my husband for that or talk to a trusted friend, um, do the reflection and sometimes just sit on it for 24 hours. That always helps me um to kind of let it sink in a little and then come back and look at it again. Yeah, self-doubt, I think being a parent and having self-doubt is just part of the process. Right. And when you talk about sitting on it and giving it some time, I think that's helpful for parents too when they do communicate with quit kids and have dialogue. Like you said, it although sometimes it doesn't feel like it's registering or thinking in what you're saying or modeling it, it does. And that needs some time as well, too. For the child, absolutely process things and do that reflecting. Yes, and if we we give them space, you know, sometimes as parents, we want to, you know, lecture or repeat it a million times, and that is usually only going to cause them to not want to listen. So I did talk about that in the book as well. I don't think it's helpful to just repeat ad nauseum. We're better off to just look them in the eyes and state it clearly and give them the space to mull it over. And I think kids are more likely to come back and be open-minded in an approach like that. So I really liked in your book you talked about, you know, it is reflecting as a parent your own upbringing, but it's not to blame or place blame for anyone. It's just understanding sort of where things are at for them and what's coming out and what needs to be healed. Is there anything you wish more parents would maybe stop feeling guilty about when it comes to parenting? I think guilt to me is it can be a road sign to help us to figure out where we're going, but it's not somewhere that we want to sit really ever. It's not beneficial. It's more important to be able to look at guilt and learn from it. What is it that I want to do different? What is it that I'm learning from this? And sometimes we need to say we're sorry to our children, and that can be part of letting go of guilt, but I think guilt is just a temporary um sign, not something we should live on. Right. So it is a feeling, it's something worth exploring, but not something to feel stuck in. Like a lot of parents might feel like they're failing at parenting because there is a mistake that happened or to their child or an issue, right? Right. Yeah, it's not it's not about failure. It's about okay, what what do I get? I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna do something different now. Or what is it that I can do different? Um and what I really liked in going back to you you touched on laughter, and I really, you know, found it so helpful to mention that in the book because I think so many day-to-day interactions for couples, parents, it's routine, it's pointing out what's not working, what's not going well, what needs to change, what people need to work on. And you emphasize the importance of laughter, not taking things too seriously, being playful and curious. Is that something that you learned in your own journey as a parent? I think so. I think I've always been kind of goofy, but uh, but um yeah, I I think I learned when my son was little, when we really were connecting, that we were often being silly or fun. And I think he probably helped me bring out my little kid a little bit more. Like you have when you have a child, it's almost like you give yourself permission when you're playing with them on their level, that it's okay to be more childlike or more playful. And so I think he probably taught me some of that as well as me already, like I said, being silly or goofy. But I think it's important that as they grow, is that we continue to be fun and playful. So, yes, I think children can teach us how to be more childlike ourselves. Mistakes can be made that aren't always intense or serious, right? And can be learned from absolutely yes, uh right. Was there anything else that you wanted to share with parents about your book or anything else that might be helpful in terms of text? Well, I'm probably just re-emphasizing how beneficial it was for me and in my work with parents and really anyone to do that self-reflection piece, learning about what drives you, what hurts you, what you want to do to be a better human being. I I just can't emphasize enough how valuable that is, not only in parenting, but in life in general. And that we're all on a journey. And if you can embrace that the idea that every day I'm just gonna work on being the best person I can be and being moving toward self-acceptance, no matter what shows up that day, or what you're struggling with, or what you need to improve upon, then you can really make change in your life. It's when we want to deny what's hurting us or how we're not, you know, behaving well. When we deny it, we can't change. We can't be better. So I think that that's crucial to a life well lived. Right. And I think your tips help with that connection and not staying stuck maybe in those emotions, whether it's guilt or hurt or frustration involving parenting. Yes, we definitely want to be able to find a way to move through it. It's okay to feel stuck, or it's okay to um have an issue that is hard to work through. The goal is to work on moving through it, finding solutions and better ways to cope and manage. Right. And and like you said, it's also important on feeling expressing and experiencing that vulnerability as a parent. I think sometimes there's that rule of like you have the solutions or the answer, you're the authority figure in the household. You can't demonstrate or show mistakes or vulnerabilities of apologizing. But I think it's important for kids to know that you're human as well, too. We when we show our kids, you know, hey, I screwed up, I'm sorry, you know, I have an issue with blank, or this is a struggle for me, or this is challenging for me. Um we model for them. We model that same thing for them that they are going to take with them in their life, and that's going to help them to be successful in everything they do. You know, some of the most powerful moments with my own son have been when I've been able to say, Hey, I'm I'm sorry, or I screwed up, or I wrote about a situation at the end of my book where I just said I am not a perfect human. So not only do we model for them, but we disarm them and we can de-escalate a situation pretty quickly by doing that. And that's quite amazing. It's just it helps to build that connection, allow your child to also be vulnerable with you, right? I think sometimes kids pick up like Wi-Fi and you know, they know if they can't approach you because they're gonna be judged or they can't make a mistake or can't show that side of vulnerability um or hurt, right? So it's important to be able to open that connection. Yeah, showing up for them in a non-judgmental space is is huge. It's um it's quite a building block. If you're able to do that from the time they're young, then they're more likely to come to you about things that are difficult or uncomfortable situations or some of the heavier things that they're going through. If you can establish that non-judgmental space. Now, that doesn't mean you're not going to discipline them or you're not going to correct them or they're not going to have to deal with the consequence, but showing up non-judgmentally, that's a big one. Definitely. I think that can be hard or not make assumptions, or thinking just know why your child might have done something or certain behavior. I mean, thinking of one family member, we joke that they're CSI because they know they know who did what out of the kids and why and when it happened, and like an investigator, but right. And that and what happens is you create then a dynamic where the child's defensive and angry and feels attacked. And if they didn't do what you think they did, or their intention was not what you're saying, they you know, they feel they feel hurt, they feel angry. So it's best to, again, I'm big on asking questions. What do you think that was about for you? Why did you behave like that? Help me understand where you're coming from. Right. And I think curiosity and asking questions, that's that's a different parenting style that I think maybe perhaps was modeled for others or what they're used to, right? It's usually just, you know, do as I say, don't do as I do, or just do what you're told, or not really being asked how that's something made you feel, right as a kid. Right. And, you know, parents who might be quick to say, I'm not doing that, that's too soft, or if they need to listen to me, I'm the adult. I get that. However, if you want to be able to work through issues more quickly, more effectively, have your child trust you, want to talk to you, maybe taking the approach that you and I are discussing right now will be more beneficial. And that doesn't, it doesn't mean that your child is not going to be held accountable for whatever the misbehavior was or whatever they need to be corrected on. It doesn't mean that. I just I want to make sure that parents understand that I'm not suggesting that just because we're acknowledging them or validating them or being curious or asking questions doesn't mean they're not going to be held accountable. Right. I think sometimes um for both parents and kids, it's hard to understand that. It almost feels for kids, I need to turn a no into a yes, and that means I'm I'm being heard. Or a parent hears it as if I'm being curious and asking questions, then I'm being soft and I'm not disciplining, if I'm asking what they think. Well, you're actually just teaching them how to cope, how to think through things, how to understand themselves, how to take accountability. Also, too, being aware of going inwards and reflecting and being aware of their own thoughts, their own feelings. Those are important copings, yeah. Yes. Thank you so much for your time today, Beth. And again, I really enjoyed the book. I really appreciate the helpful, you know, straightforward tips, great reflective questions. I was even doing that in my own head while I was reading it in terms of my own upbringing. And yes, I really appreciate all the work that you put into it and all the knowledge that you have to share. So thank you so much for coming on today. I was just wondering where listeners can connect with you or follow your work. Do you have a website or I do have a website? It's raisinggrit.net. And it tells a little bit about me, about the book. There's a link to order it, and I posted reviews. It was only published in October, but I've had some reviews on it and I posted there as well. And I thank you so much for your kind words. This book has meant the world to me. It's been on my heart for over 15 years to write, and it's been quite a journey writing it and getting it published. So your words mean a lot. And I thank you so much for taking interest in it and reading it and sharing with me your thoughts about it. Thanks. Yes, I can appreciate as a parent and as a clinician to share your stories and be vulnerable in that experience and also still to have your own voice throughout this process. So congratulations and yes, thank you for sharing this book. I hope maybe don't want to put more work for you, but like workshops on the book for parents. That would be great. I would love that. I would love to collaborate with you because I've been on your website and and look at some of the things that you're doing. You're doing some neat things, some really important things. Great. Looking forward to staying connected. Thank you. Okay. Thanks, Sabrina. See you well.