Raising Grit: How Parents Build Resilience Without Over-Rescuing With Author ,Beth Canalichio MSW LCSW

We explore how to raise capable, confident kids by shifting from rescuing to guiding. Beth Canalichio shares practical tools for validation, tech boundaries, natural consequences, and self-reflection that help families build real resilience.

• what grit looks like in everyday family life
• overhelping versus teaching kids to think
• tech limits that protect attention and social skills
• movement, play and creative identity building
• validating feelings without removing the challenge
• deciding when to step in or step back
• modeling courage, accountability and repair
• helping sensitive or anxious kids build capability
• using empathy to de-escalate conflict
• replacing lectures with curiosity and questions
• working through guilt and self-doubt as parents
• seeking support through friends, journaling and therapy

Visit raisinggrit.net to learn more, read reviews and order Beth's Book. Raising Grit: Face Your Unconscious, Deal with Your Issues, Become a Great Parent.

Transcript

Sabrina Duong (02:08)
And welcome to the therapist lunch. I'm Sabrina Duong, your host and licensed clinical social worker here with Beth Canalachio, who's also a licensed clinical social worker. Thanks so much, Beth, for joining me today.

So just wanting to talk today about the practice of self reflection and therapy as therapists. I think both of us combined have about 50 years of therapy. And just the importance of why we need to do that self reflection piece, giving us time after sessions, even I know sometimes, we're about offering our services and time to clients, but what that opportunity can bring us and the benefits for clients. just maybe you want to start around your own self-reflection practice and what that was like for you.

Beth Canalichio (03:26)
I don't know my personal master's program did not require therapy but I wish all the programs did or at least encouraged it or spoke about it.

Sabrina Duong (03:42)
Right, I heard of colleagues attending a master's program where it was requirement that they went through their own therapy during their program and how enriching that experience would be to be able to work through perhaps your own emotional reactions to things and your own assumptions and biases. I think that's different than writing an assignment, for example, on it. had done in my programming.

Yeah, just to talk about the biases, right? Writing it down as a reflection practice, cultural assumptions, any sort of blind spots that we had and to talk about it. But I think there's something about experiencing your own counseling sessions too, as you go along the program.

Beth Canalichio (04:30)
I mean, I have to say that it's still quite amazing how we have so many blind spots. I found that a lot when I was treating people that there were just so many issues within themselves that they could not see without my assistance or the assistance of a professional. And the same thing happens to therapists. Sometimes we just can't see what's there.

Sabrina Duong (04:58)
I think it's great to understand your own personal triggers what triggers you in working maybe with different populations or clients and why and developing coping tools. I think it's important to talk about it versus see it as something wrong.

Beth Canalichio (05:16)
Absolutely, it's so empowering when we can do a deep dive into our personal issues or things that are troublesome for us. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a strength.

Sabrina Duong (05:30)
Definitely. And I think it's helpful when we're supporting someone and enhancing their own self-awareness that we help to understand our own self-awareness and where it's at. And I remember attending a workshop where they said, especially as clinicians, you think you're the most self-aware, but I think it was only like a really small percentage they shared. I just thought to myself, no, but I'm self aware. It's like, how dare ⁓ they?

Beth Canalichio (05:59)
Exactly, exactly. And that's when our our ego, our ego gets in the way.

Sabrina Duong (06:09)

Definitely. We want to think that we're very open, non-biased, as social workers, as clinicians being in this field, And helping professions.

Beth Canalichio (06:28)
Well, I want to add, I mean, this may be obvious, but, it's not only an issue for not recognizing biases, but also, if we can't see in ourselves, our opportunities to work on something or, a wound that we carry, how are we going to see it in the client, and most effectively help them or not?

So I think that's a really important piece of this.

Sabrina Duong (06:57)
Right. I, just attending training about survivors around narcissists and talk about, there might be some counter transference or biases to sort of come up with different personalities or, different experiences in session. it was great that it was talked about and how to process it in working with different people. And I think it's OK if there is a level of discomfort to seek supervision and process it and refer to maybe someone who may not have those perhaps internal experiences in helping the client too.

Right, and there's certain populations that we might be, very empathetic towards the kids and feeling like we have to do something or, worrying about things a bit more and then processing there what's happening for us as well. And making sure it's within our our role and our scope

I think it's just being aware of those emotional responses that we have towards clients. Seeing if you're working with your, then your level of competence. If you're experiencing burnout, even that can be hard. think when the expectation is to carry certain caseload or. To meet certain direct number of hours of places, right? You might feel like asking for support might be frowned upon. But burnout is a real thing

Beth Canalichio (08:56)
It is and I felt like as a therapist, I learned early on thankfully that I needed routine time off. And, at first I thought, well, gosh, there are plenty of professions that don't have to take this much time off but... ⁓

Sabrina Duong (09:24)
Right, it might be frowned upon to take time off or have a mental health day or see a lesser number of clients. But depending on, if you're seeing a lot of clients have experienced trauma, burnout might, more significant If you're seeing a bigger caseload, so you need to see less people and it's maintaining those boundaries. I think sometimes social workers are the at. We were having those boundaries.

Beth Canalichio (09:50)
Yeah, I really tried as I got more into being in private practice, to figure out what the number of clients was that I felt the most healthy and the most grounded and balanced.
And also, you sometimes we have to be aware of, as you mentioned, like if you're working with a lot of trauma, how many of those cases do we have? And maybe sometimes we might have to limit certain numbers of different types of cases.

Sabrina Duong (10:28)
self-awareness involves ongoing examination of emotional reactions, reflection on clinical work, right? Why you choose specific interventions, being able to reflect on what works, what didn't. And if you don't have time in between sessions, it's a bit hard to reflect on that. Miss cues or ruptures in the therapeutic alliance.

Beth Canalichio (10:57)
And that does require trying to keep trying to keep on time, which can be challenging, so that you have a few minutes in between or that you're not seeing back to back for eight hours just to take a breather and take a step back.

Sabrina Duong (11:19)
And being able to do that, there's different tools that can help during those times of taking a step back, right? Whether, personal therapy, reflective journaling, mindful practices, professional education.

Beth Canalichio (11:34)
And leaning on your colleagues, I think private practice in particular can be very isolating. So to seek out supports and make connections with other therapists in your community. you have someone you can reach out to. I know I had some colleagues that really leaned on at times. And when they text me or called me that they needed some support, I've really tried to make it a priority to get back to them quickly because

Sabrina Duong (11:41)
being able to consult, peer consult around, themes or cases where there might be challenges with movement or progress within the session or consulting around therapeutic alliance. Definitely it's helpful when we look at what matters self reflective practice, it's about enhancing that therapeutic effectiveness, and reducing harm. So when you're consulting with others, it helps to ensure that ⁓ that you're doing what any other clinician would do in the profession and strengthens that ethical decision making preventing that burnout. There's sometimes those ethical dilemmas that do come up or rupture and rapport. And it's helpful to get ideas in how to repair that or what to do in those cases.

Otherwise, think we kind of practice on autopilot or reinforce power imbalances there's ways and stages, there's different ways to reflect, There's gives reflective cycle. looking at, what happened in the session or feelings. What was good or bad about the experience or evaluating it? Why did it happen? What theories or concepts help explain right conclusion and action plan. So just helping this sort of debris You're not left stuck with different feelings or emotions about things that happened and having a process house.

Was there times that you felt the self-reflective practice was really helpful or? terms of your own evaluation or working through something. I think for me, it helps even in session as well too, right? If I'm noticing, okay, I might need to have to use a different model here or suggest a different coping tool.

Beth Canalichio (14:42)
I think for me, there were some difficult cases that I've had that ⁓ have required a report for a client who may have been angry that...

Sabrina Duong (14:57)
Mm-hmm.

Beth Canalichio (14:58)
taking it out on me, projecting it onto me. Those were cases that I had to people in particular that I would lean on. So self-reflection with them was always so beneficial. I really feel like their presence was key for me in many of those cases.

Sabrina Duong (15:16)
to understand things from a different perspective, different angle, to be able to share what your experience was, work through your own personal goals, prevent that So also doing that piece with the client to right. Checking in where things are at for them summarizing session, how that felt for them or what do they think about the recommendations future they're engaged in the process. And I think stop reflection. Sure, it helps us to go deep, but it might even help us with how do we even build rapport or start off our sessions, right? So just diving right in, how can we just create that rapport and have a general dialogue? to help build on that relationship.

Beth Canalichio (15:57)
I agree. think that's a big deal. I think it's a really big deal when you sit down with someone for the first time who's coming to you with deeply personal issues. You may be someone in their life that they're telling things to you for the first time and they've never told anyone else. It's crucial how we develop the rapport and again, as we get more seasoned, and or burnout.

Sabrina Duong (16:33)
I was wondering for you Beth, were there times that you scheduled in reflective practice or supervision or what did that look like for you?

Beth Canalichio (16:52)
I feel like, again, I could have had blind spots that I'm not seeing, but I felt like I was very aware of when I was having a reaction or needed to pay attention. And that's when I would seek out support or just take some time when I had a quiet moment to think about.

Sabrina Duong (17:47)
Right, yeah, for myself, I would do both as well. I would make sure it's scheduled to reflect on cases on the week on any feelings that came up for myself. And then also as things came up, just reached out to consult as well.

I think that's key as well to write as the professional development education researching. So, not only that reflective observation about thinking what's happening. And that experience, but you're thinking of linking it to theories models, a new understanding applying new insights into practice later.

Yes, is that can certainly change and I'm always thinking of do no harm, right? And wanting to make sure that client feel supported

So I think, various ways to reflect, have it be part of a process day to day, whether it's journal writing, practicing mindfulness, consulting, and having it very practical, and also to it's helpful to explore around cultural and social positioning how you feel as a clinician with things privilege and power and working through having those conversations. And in session. ⁓

I feel as a clinician there's about advocacy and support, but it also needs to be where the client is at. And for me being an immigrant and a clinician and seeing about you must out there do this or else you look like this.

That was very conflicting for me, and I can appreciate how it might feel for clients as well, so it's about, like you said, remaining neutral and supporting the client to work through what's helpful for them. But yes, I definitely think that social media sometimes can have a different perspective on things that aren't always ethical.

Beth Canalichio (20:56)
Yes, and this whole idea of self reflection, if you're unable to have civil dialogue with another therapist, ⁓ it may be important to do some self reflection on what that's about for you.

Sabrina Duong (21:10)
it's looking at what feelings that you have as a clinician and making sure not to influence and I've even talked about therapists who might help people of different faiths, how to not, put your take or spin our own faith or whatnot in the session as well too, right? So I think that's where reflection and supervision is important to make sure you're remaining neutral. Because I think right now social media makes it look like you shouldn't be neutral on things.

I think that's where reflecting helps to check in and notice, okay, what am I feeling in my own body right now? how is the client feeling in the session, having a conversation around around things and what's ours to own or not.

Yeah, and I think in recent training and assessments, it's helpful to, ask some of the questions ahead of time around, what's important for you culturally to have in these sessions or that you'd like to practice. We might have some assumptions and they might not be accurate. I remember early on my career working with different groups and populations and, you know, sometimes I'm biased assumptions of people being certain culture, like how they're wanting to celebrate, you know, with certain foods or whatever, ending a program. And I think the easiest thing to do is just ask and be curious.

Right, or what languaging to use reflecting is really helpful. Now in these times and to make sure that we still have boundaries. Was there anything else you wanted to add about self-awareness, ethical self-monitoring, use of supervision.

Beth Canalichio (23:26)
The only thing is to say, I think it's crucial for therapists to work regularly on being emotionally fit. We're all going to have our struggles and our difficulties.

Sabrina Duong (24:06)
And it's not just, taking courses or training, but how to, you know, be open to different ideas, interior consultation or hearing about maybe those blind spots that might be hard to hear in supervision.

feedback.

Yes, I mean, having our own therapy should definitely be part of it more deeper personally than perhaps supervision can offer. it's certainly a benefit. And I think if we're encouraging clients to do that, it's also doing it as well too for ourselves.

Well, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with me today, Beth, and your experiences as a clinician and sharing about the importance that self-reflection and supervision and therapy have done for you.