Ep. 14 - When Gift-Giving Goes Awry: Teaching Kids Honesty and Kindness

The holidays are a magical time—but they can also bring moments of tension when gifts don’t quite hit the mark. In this episode, Dr. Alona Pulde and Dr. Matthew Lederman dive into a common parenting dilemma: how to help kids navigate honesty and kindness when they’re disappointed with a gift. Drawing from personal experiences, they explore strategies to transform awkward moments into opportunities for connection, self-expression, and mutual understanding.

Learn how to foster collaboration in gift-giving, balance surprise with practicality, and guide children in expressing their feelings with care. Plus, hear about Matt’s childhood Nintendo mishap and Alona’s Holly Hobby wardrobe moments—and the lessons they taught.

🎁 Don’t forget to grab your free eBook, Ella and the Two Gifts, using the code EBOOKFREE for more heartwarming lessons on navigating honesty and kindness as a family. This is an episode every parent needs after the holiday hustle!

To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Transcript

Alona: Hey there. We'd love for you to hit that subscribe button. By subscribing, you're helping us spread the word and connect with more amazing people like you.  

Host: Welcome to We Be Parents, where parent doctors Matthew Letterman and Alona Pulde explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together. 

Alona: Hello, and welcome to We Be Parents, where we share the joys, challenges, and tools for parenting with connection and compassion. I'm Dr. Alona Pulde.  

Matt: And I'm Dr. Matthew Letterman, and today we are excited to explore a topic close to every family's heart. I'm pretty sure it is. It's all about how can we teach our kids to balance Honesty and kindness. 

Alona: Yeah, and this episode comes straight from a very special place. It's inspired by a new book that we wrote called Ella and the Two Gifts. And before we dive in, I just want to share with subscribers Or, and listeners, please, please, please don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss an episode full of parenting tools, stories, and support. 

Matt: And if you like this episode, please share it with all your friends, help us get the word out. And if you don't like the episode, please don't share that with anybody.  

Alona: And we are offering a little gift for the holidays to thank all of our listeners and subscribers for joining us. If you use the code, Ebook free, again, that's E B O O K F R E E. 

You can download the free ebook, Ella and Her Two Gifts. Matt, do you want to tell them a little bit about these books?  

Matt: Yeah, so Lily and Her Beautiful Flower is about Lily discovering the unshakable beauty within herself, learning to rise above self doubt and embrace her big, beautiful flower. And it's a heartwarming tale of resilience. 

[00:02:00] And then Ella and the Two Gifts is exciting for Christmas because it's all around getting presents and how to navigate authenticity. And kindness where Ella's journey of balancing that shows us how to stay true to ourselves while nurturing connection with others in the really touching story, perfect for the whole family. 

So again, that promo code is ebook free, please go and download it and thank you for listening.  

Alona: Yes. And we're really excited because one of the things that we. kind of connected to in writing these books is this is a really fun way to share with our children some of these concepts that we're talking about. 

Concepts like the beautiful flower, which is in episode Do you remember the episode?  

Matt: I don't. We'll have to get back to listeners on that. I want to say five, but something like that. In  

Alona: one of our previous episodes, we talk about that whole concept of the beautiful flower, and this is a really beautiful way to kind of incorporate that with. 

Vibrant pictures and storytelling and getting into, you know, where the kids can relate to the characters. So I, I'm really excited about this new delivery of concepts and hoping that it resonates with other children. And  

Matt: there's gonna be more books to come. We're, we're writing the third book now on helping to communicate with kids about device usage and. 

It's a really exciting way, like you said, to get this, these concepts into the family in a, in a fun, fun connected way.  

Alona: Yeah. So, so let's talk a little bit more about this concept of gift giving, honesty, and kindness.  

Matt: And this was during, intended to be around Christmas time. Where kids get gifts, and you can clearly see they don't like them. 

And when I was a kid, I was told to be polite and pretend that I liked it, so that I don't hurt the other person's feelings who gave me the gift. And as a parent, I can see also being [00:04:00] embarrassed if your kid throws the gift down and says, this is not what I wanted. And you see the sadness of the person who gave the gift. 

You see the embarrassment of yourself. The kid is feeling ashamed and embarrassed and unhappy. And it's just a whole mishmash of unpleasant feelings. And we thought we could really turn that around if you could learn some of these concepts.  

Alona: Right. And I know we've all been there, right? We've all opened that gift or been in a situation where we've fought our authenticity and honesty in an effort to be polite and to maintain artificial harmony. 

Matt: So this was near and dear to my heart is this vivid memory of wanting a Nintendo and anybody, but I mean, it was like the first time there was these games. That weren't Atari, where it was like a little thing that you're, you know, shooting a little pellet. It was actually, you know, Super Mario Brothers or something like that. 

And, and I remember being so excited for Hanukkah wanting this gift. And when it came, I had this idea that it was going to be like an arcade where you had the monitor and the game, and it was this big arcade that was going to be in my room somehow. I didn't really think that through. But when I opened the gift, and I saw that it was this little thing that you had to plug into the family TV, I was so upset because I wanted it to be in my room, and it was special. 

My toy now is going to be where five other siblings were going to play with it and break it. And it was a whole mess. And I got so upset that I didn't want it. And I said, I don't want this. And my mom got upset. I think she was really hurt because she was so excited to get me this toy that I really wanted. 

And then I saw how she was upset, and I felt embarrassed. And so there was a part of me that was And I, I really remember this, where there was a part of me that says, why are you acting like a spoiled baby? And another part that was saying, I want what I want, and this is not what I want. And I didn't have any way to navigate that. 

And I saw my mom's upset and hurt and just a whole mess.  

Alona: Yeah. And it, it, it stimulates [00:06:00] such just general pain for the situation. Paying for the person giving the gift, paying for the person receiving the gift. It's uncomfortable. It's embarrassing. If you're the parent watching your child react like this to somebody else, like you mentioned, there's a whole lot of embarrassment around that. 

Matt: Competence as a parent, you think my child is so spoiled and entitled. And there's these judgments and it's just, it gets really sticky pretty quickly.  

Alona: And at the same time, it's, you know, not everybody's taste is going to be the same. Now, I remember growing up as a kid, my grandmother used to love to buy us clothes, but her taste was not my taste. 

I mean, she wanted me to look like Holly Hobby all the time. I don't want to look like Holly Hobby. And she'd bring these, like, cute little holly hobby dresses, and sure enough, going to her house, you know, I had to wear the holly hobby dresses, and I hated them. And so, but I, again, didn't have an outlet or comfort to share that and say, Hey, Grandma, I love your gifts. 

And maybe we can go shopping together.  

Matt: This happens with food a lot too. We'll say, Oh, I love them. We don't want to hurt their feelings. They're trying to help us feel at home or share their love through their food. And then you say, Oh, I love it. It's delicious. And then they keep making it and you're hating it. 

And it's just this lack of, because you keep eating it to be polite and they think you like it. And he's like, how can we be authentic and caring and really appreciate that they're trying to contribute and give us a gift, but if we don't like it, how can we share that honestly? Because if we turn ourselves around, would you want me, Alona, would you want me to pretend that I like your food or a gift that you gave me so that you can feel happy even though it's not authentic? 

Would you ever want that?  

Alona: Yes, and no. [00:08:00] Right? You  

Matt: want me to really  

Alona: be happy. No. Right, right. Of course. I mean, yes, there's a part of me that in, you know, being, in thinking that I was thoughtful, yeah, I, I, I'm sharing what I imagine everybody, every other gift giver feels, right? Which is I thought I was being thoughtful. 

I thought I knew you. I thought I'd find something that would excite you and make you happy. And there's definitely a letdown or a disappointment that, Ooh, I missed that. You know?  

Matt: Wow. There's almost this need to be right a little bit. Where I think that I, I want, I know them and if they're not, and I'm getting it, I think they're going to be happy and they're not. 

There's almost a self critical, I don't know them as well as I should, or is it something like that kind of?  

Alona: It's not so much that, it's more, I think, being seen, right? Which is what we're going to be talking, what to be be introducing also is there is an honesty component and a kindness component. And I think if there's a recognition of my thoughtfulness, there's a recognition of the care and time that I took to make this dinner, you know, and That it's not something that you're enjoying. 

We don't have to make it again.  

Matt: Exactly. You can be thoughtful. Right. Without getting the, the, the food or the gift to be the one that they wanted.  

Alona: Right. And you can still be thoughtful. Right. And still be tactful and kind around the message. I remember, um, You know, Dr. McDougall, I remember his stories around how he used to tell his wife, Mary, that he didn't like a dish, which is, she'd make it, he'd eat it, and then he'd say, Mary, we don't ever have to make that one again. 

And the message was clear, like, oh, I didn't really love that. Right? Exactly. And so there's There's tremendous value in that, and I think it enriches a relationship and a connection. [00:10:00] And at the same time, I think it needs to be handled, like we're talking about, with care and kindness around the efforts that go around creating a gift or creating a meal or so forth. 

Matt: And I think Kids, for example, really like the opportunity to, to be honest, and they like when, when I, I know my kids love when I'm honest, so if they tell me a joke, I'll say, they'll say, Dad, I have a joke, and I'll say, do you want me to laugh and just be encouraging before they tell me the joke, or do you want me to laugh only if I find it really funny? 

And they'll say, Dad, I really want you to laugh only if you find it funny, and if not, maybe we can talk about that. So it's helpful before I get the gift, or the joke, or the food, to say, do you, do you want me to tell you how I really think it tastes? Or do you want me just to be appreciative of the fact that you cooked this food? 

and tried to make a meal that I would really like. So just getting that, that clarity up front helps set the stage. And I think it meets needs for care by untangling those two from each other.  

Alona: Right. And, and, you know, there we're talking about, I think I do think this happens still. I think more and more there's also another approach, which is the collaborative approach to gift giving. 

We can talk about that in a second, but in this other way where like it's a, it's a plus and minus, like there's been pros and cons to each thing. For example, you know, if you're asked, Hey Matt, what would you like for your birthday? The surprise element is taken out of it. Right? And the surprise is part of what kids find so enthralling is not knowing what they're actually getting. 

At the same time, if you choose to surprise them and it's not something that they actually like, it's disappointing in a different way. And I think [00:12:00] one of the things, I know that we do that with our extended family now, and I think that it works really beautifully is our daughter has put together a wishlist and family reaches out to say, Hey, what's on the wishlist. 

And then I pick from things that I know they want, but they don't know who's getting them what and how much of their wishlist is actually going to come to fruition or not. So there are a lot of different approaches for how to navigate this.  

Matt: And having a wishlist is great because when you are at a store and they're like, Oh, I want this and I want this. 

Rather than saying yes or no, you can say, let's put that on the list. So the kids feel like they're, they're getting it or they're getting something, even if they're not getting that, that gift or toy right in that moment.  

Alona: Oh, Abs, it's not only saved us in situations of I want this, I want this, I want this. 

It's also saved us in sibling birthdays when, you know, when the kids were younger and sometimes it still happens today, but more when they were younger and it would be Jordan's birthday and Kylie would. You know, be seething with jealousy over the gifts that Jordan got. To create that wish list and say, Kylie, pay attention to what Jordan's getting and anything that you want as well, we're going to put on your wish list. 

And vice versa, because it happened at Kylie's birthday, you know, where Jordan was seething. And so that was a really disarming way for them to, um, So, be able to be present to their siblings joy and know that they're not missing out.  

Matt: And it's a way to say yes without actually getting them the toy or the gift in that moment. 

Alona: Absolutely. Absolutely. And so, you know, these are other ways of approaching gift giving, but, but I think it's still important because we are going to get surprised by gifts. We are going to get surprised by dinners. And how do we handle those with. care and honesty. And that is [00:14:00] what's covered in the book when Ella receives a sweater that she is not fond of. 

And her reaction is not a warm one, which is not well received by her mom, which causes turmoil between Ella and her mom, embarrassment and shame. And then what unfolds from there and how Ella learns the value of kindness and care. And how she responds to a gift that's given.  

Matt: And how to layer the authentic experience and the feelings and needs of the other person. 

Being able to put all that together. And often we fear honesty because we think it might hurt someone else. But that discomfort usually comes from a difficulty in sitting with the unpleasant sadness or disappointment. I think if we can be okay, if we're trying to make a contribution to someone and it's not what they're wanting in that moment, that they might be sad, they might be disappointed. 

How can we be sad and disappointed and appreciative? How can we be sad and disappointed and grateful for the desire of someone else to contribute to us?  

Alona: Absolutely. And I think the, for me, the magic in that is Um, is bridging kindness with honesty because honesty alone could be harsh, right? If you just share authentically one aspect, which is, I don't like this without any care for the other person. 

Matt: It makes it hard to stay connected, right? And that's the focus. Shifting the focus to connection will help us navigate these moments with empathy and authenticity and create more trust and understanding. But that focus again is on connection.  

Alona: And I think that that provides, like we talk about the rainbow between black and white, [00:16:00] you know, the black and white is either I'm going to be completely honest, which is sometimes brutal, or I'm going to be, you know, Pleasantly polite, which is the artificial harmony state, but in between is a way to be honest and caring and kind, you know, and, and kind of break, focus on that connection, prioritize that connection and allow for the, for disarming the discomfort that comes with thinking it either has to be black or white. 

[00:33:44] Bringing it Home 
 

Host: Bringing it home.  

Matt: The first thing with bring it home is to explain it. 

So using Ella's story, this e book, would be a perfect way to explain this topic, which [00:34:00] is just bring out the concept that this exists. Thanks. Hey, there's times where we get stuff and we don't feel happy about it. We feel disappointment. Have you been there? Do you understand what this feels like? Can you tell me about times where that's happened for you? 

And then as a parent, you can also share vulnerably, Yeah, when I was a parent, or when I got this gift, I didn't really like it either. Here's what happened. And when I, there were times where I would force myself to pretend I liked it, to try and keep the other person happy. And that doesn't really feel good to me. 

That doesn't feel true. So you start to explain and connect and pull out from them those experiences because they're likely suppressing them and holding them alone. And then, again, you're not only explaining it and inviting it, and you're, you're, you're modeling it. And you can, it's even fun in the real time if you get a gift, to practice that. 

To say, hey, you know, I am so grateful that you got this for me. Or during dinner time and, and someone says, hey, what do you think of this food? And you say, you know, well, first, I want to say that I really appreciate that you made this. I really, that's, I'm so grateful that you tried. And this is, this, you know, are you open to my honest opinions here, or are you really wanting me to tell you things that I like about, about the meal? 

And I can say things like, I like that you, That you made it for me. I like that you, I'm connecting to the time that you put, I like this flavor, but I don't like this over here. I like the, you know, so you really want to connect with the person. That's what I'm always focused on is connection. And then how can we share, okay, Hey, I'm not really loving this dish or like Dr. 

McDougall just did very simply communicating that, Hey, you don't have to make this one again, but for doing it and then practicing. I love role playing. So let's role play. Hey, you know, Kylie, do you want to practice where I give you a gift? And you absolutely hate it. You were so hoping for a doll, or you were so hoping for this new game, and instead you got a shirt.[00:36:00]  

And not only did you get a shirt, you weren't wanting clothes, but you got a shirt in a color that you didn't like. Now let's practice how we're going to navigate that, and really practice role playing it with them. It's super fun to do that and it really build, it integrates into your consciousness differently than just talking about it. 

And then I love also celebrating it. I'm big on the high fives and whenever they, whenever they express themselves authentically, I really love that. And then if they need help, I say, Hey, do you need help adding some, a little layer of care on top of that? And they might say, yes, but it's, we're, we're always high fiving the authentic expression. 

And when they can do it with care and we'll even say, Hey, if you're not sure how to do it with care, ask us. Thanks. And say, hey, they'll say, hey, dad or mom, I'm trying to express this with Karen. I don't know. How can you help me? And then we'll do a high five.  

Alona: Yeah. I love, I love that. I love encouraging it. 

I love supporting it. I love practicing and modeling it because that really is what integrates. I think the bed, I think the story will really bring it to life, especially for younger kids, but even for older ones, you know, it's going to be interesting to see Christmas is next week. And as you're talking about shirts, and I'm thinking of some of the things that I know were on the kids wish list as things they wanted. 

And some things that I noticed are things that they need, but they don't really want. And so it'll be, uh, It'll be interesting to see how they navigate those and how they, you know, share authentically. And I think it will, for me, it's going to be great practice to try and invite that honesty and kindness. 

Matt: And we do that before the opening of gifts too. We'll start by setting the scene and saying, can everybody take a moment before we open just to really appreciate the fact that there's gifts on the table and that people went out of their ways. To find [00:38:00] them and to wrap them and to bring them to us and to use their hard earned money to purchase them. 

So can we connect to our appreciation and care and celebration for that regardless of what we think of the gift? And I think slowing down and connecting to that care and appreciation is super helpful and then we can even give them language. What are we going to do if one of these gifts is not exactly what we want? 

What are we going to do if we got a shirt and we were hoping for a toy car? How are we going to navigate that? Can we practice that before we even open the gifts? And sometimes that helps kids be successful because they want to be caring. They want to be connected. And in the heat of the moment, they might forget. 

Or they might not know how. So it's a real gift to set the scene up to.  

Alona: I, I agree and I love it and I think it's really important. All right. So let's wrap it up with one last thing. And I think the one last thing that I would love for listeners to take home is it's okay to speak your truth and it's really helpful to encourage and invite your children to connect to that as well. 

But as long as you do it with love. care. Honesty and kindness can beautifully go hand in hand. Your experiences and feedback are invaluable to us.  

Matt: Please email us at parents at webetogether. com with your own cheers and tears as well as any questions or stories you'd like to share.  

Alona: Thanks again for joining us today and we look forward to connecting with you next time.