Ep. 15: The Circle of Care: Navigating Emotional Complexity with Connection

In this heartwarming and insightful episode of webe Pärents, Matt and Alona explore the challenges and joys of fostering emotional connection between parents, children, and others in their lives. Through relatable anecdotes—like navigating awkward gift-giving moments and mealtime dilemmas—they demonstrate how authenticity, empathy, and the power of the “Circle of Care” can transform tricky situations into opportunities for deeper connection.

Listeners will learn practical tools to:

• Validate both their child’s feelings and the giver’s intentions.
• Embrace discomfort and turn it into a moment of growth.
• Model compassionate communication that balances truth and care.
• Teach kids to navigate complex emotions while staying authentic and kind.

With actionable steps and real-life examples, this episode equips parents with strategies to help children embrace their feelings, show empathy, and express themselves with confidence. Don’t miss this thoughtful discussion that will inspire connection and understanding in your family!

To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Transcript

[00:16:38] Topics and Tools 
 

Host: Topics and tools.  

Matt: So we're going to jump into the topic and tool now. And I think it's helpful for listeners to think about a time when your child shares something honestly, but it didn't land well for the other person. And what did you do? Did you try to fix this situation to avoid discomfort? How, how might the moment have felt different if both your child's truth and the other person's feelings were given space? 

How do we create that increased space?  

Alona: Yeah. And I know I think of our own kids. I can't think of a gift that they received, but even, you know, I think of Kylie who really tries to be appeasing and, and please people and be nice and polite at the cost sometimes of our own authenticity. Yeah. But I think even if she refrains from saying something, the look on her face sometimes is so clear, you know? 

And, and, and I think, I can't think of a gift that she received that she responded to in that way, but I, I know. You know, when meals are prepared for her and she comes in, she doesn't love the dish, but she knows how much effort went into making it. And [00:18:00] you see her kind of playing around with the plate of food and making designs and letters and all, everything, but actually eating it. 

Matt: All right. And then she'll whisper into one of our ears, can I have a bowl of cereal later?  

Alona: Yes. Yes. Yes.  

Matt: But she doesn't want to hurt someone's feelings if they tried to make something for her.  

Alona: Right. But it's very clear when she hasn't eaten anything and she's staring at the food. Everybody needs it. 

Right. Everybody  

Matt: needs it. So let's, it's that hiding and tightrope walking and circling around it. Let's just get in there and do it with care and authenticity and focus on connection. It works out. But remember Jordan with the gift of the soaps? Ha ha  

Alona: ha ha ha. Yes. Yes. Yes.  

Matt: Yes. And she's like, soap?  

Alona: Yeah. So Jordan had a birthday and Jordan loves getting a whole lot of things. 

She loves opening gifts. So in an effort to kind of find things for her that she might enjoy, I bought her, because she's all into self care now, beauty regimens, and, and so I bought her these beautiful smelling soaps that I thought she'd be really excited about. And she opened the soaps and you know, smell them and was excited in front of my face. 

And then I happened to be walking up stairs while she and Kylie were talking. And I hear her say, I don't even understand that woman. Why would she buy me soap? 

And I came in and she was mortified that I heard that. And I said, Oh, Jordi, do you not like the soaps? She's like, well, no, no, no. And you know, she tried to backtrack, but, but we got to a really good place. And she ate crow a little while later. I, I will toot my own horn because she now loves those soaps and has asked for more. 

Matt: So we had to give her the book and then she turned, like, turn. Read this [00:20:00] book and then we'll talk.  

Alona: Right. Learn, learn how to say, no, I appreciated that I actually heard that and got a chance to connect with her around it.  

Matt: Very connecting. And I think being able to navigate that, even if people make, make those little missteps, you can recover and repair. 

with care. So the tool that we like to approach this with is, is called the circle of care, and it helps parents and kids hold space for both their own needs and those of the other, embracing any type of emotional complexity instead of avoiding it. And that is a little counterintuitive for some people. 

They're like, oh, let's avoid this so we don't cause any upset versus no, let's, Dive in, connect, because when you avoid something, two things happen. It remains there and festers. And when you avoid it, everybody knows it must be pretty serious if we're not even talking about it. So it makes it actually bigger than it is. 

Versus jumping in, talking about it, and connecting around it. So the steps start with your inner world, with care for me, and helping your child identify their feelings and needs first. So let's say, you know, Jordan got the sweater, you know, Hey, you know, you didn't love that sweater because it wasn't what you're hoping for. 

It sounds like you were, you're feeling disappointed. Maybe you really wanted a doll instead. So this is important to valiate their experience, give them empathy, teach them how to value their own authenticity and connect to their feelings and needs, which is, You're disappointed because you were wanting this other, this other gift. 

And then once you do that, they feel heard and understood, then we expand the other's world. And that's care for, for the other person. And you guide the child to imagine their, the giver's perspective. So, for example, that could look like, you know, Aunt Laura picked this out because she thought it would make you happy. 

Maybe she might feel a little sad if it didn't because she was trying to do something kind for you. So we're not going to stop there, [00:22:00] but we're going to say, okay, maybe she feels a little sad that you don't like it and that's okay too. And this builds empathy for, for, and Laura. And helping the child see the other person's intention without minimizing their own feelings. 

We're not making her dislike for the gift have to go away to make Aunt Laura happy. We're holding both. And then this is a key step, number three, is to allow space for mourning. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be disappointed. It's okay to be worried about the other person's feelings. We want to make room for all of these. 

Explain that it's It's normal, and it's okay for this and the moment. And that could sound like, you know, it's okay if you're disappointed, and it's okay if Aunt Laura feels a little sad too. We can always get it just right, but we, or we can't always get it just right, but we can still care for each other. 

And that's so important because this helps children and adults embrace discomfort and see sadness as part of connection, not a problem to fix. We want to embrace sadness, welcome it there. And then the fourth step will be modeling how to express with care. So teach them how to balance the truth and empathy by holding both perspectives. 

This is where there's two things that are true at the same time, not one or the other. Either the child's honest or Laura's happy. We got to do both at the same time. So you can say, hey, thank you for thinking of me, Aunt Laura. It's not what I was hoping for, but I love that you wanted to make me happy and thought about getting me a gift. 

That really means a lot to me. Thank you so much. And this magic goes, it teaches language that holds space for truth and care. And then the last step will be just reflecting on the experience. After the interaction, Invite your child to reflect. Hey, how did that, how did it feel to share your feelings while also caring for the other person? 

Because it meets their needs for care. They don't want to just focus on their own needs. And they, their other need is, sorry, their own needs for being honest, even if that comes out harshly. They also value care, so when they see the other person's reaction, like Jordan did, it doesn't meet her need for care. 

She wants to check back in. [00:24:00] So, have them reflect, hey, when you did it this way, how did that feel? What do you think Aunt Laura felt when you shared it this way? And how do you feel now, having shared authentically and with care? And this builds emotional resilience and reinforces the skill of, of being able to navigate complex moments like that. 

Alona: I love that. And I, I think I'm going to think what's helpful for me to just kind of reflect on all those pieces. So there really is a lot about empathy and mourning in this. Oh, as the overarching theme for this approach, it's empathy for, for yourself. Oh, I didn't really want this and I'm not happy about it and I wish I had gotten something else and kind of not even acknowledging and expressing that and teaching your child to do that. 

You know, that I know is episode one of our podcast talking about the heart hug where a child can ask for a heart hug. Hey, mom and dad, you know, I, I'm not sure what to do about this, but I don't really like this gift. In fact, it reminds me of, I was just thinking about Kylie just got a gift from a friend and she was really torn because she wanted, so this was a Stanley cup. 

She wanted the Stanley cup, but she didn't want the one that her friend had gotten for her. That wasn't the ideal one that she wanted. And I remember when she got it. It was, actually, I was really impressed with her language. I asked her, Oh, are you excited about your gift? And she said, Mom, you know, I don't really know how to feel about it because I really did want a Stanley gift and I really appreciated that she thought to get me one, this is much smaller than the one I wanted. 

And it was neat how she was able to hold both, you know, even [00:26:00] honoring her friend's care and thoughtfulness first, but then also acknowledging that she was a little disappointed and she actually, you know, was able to sit with that for a little bit and then come to acceptance around what she did get and She's now, she's found a way to be happy with it, and she's truly, genuinely happy with it. 

Um, but I think that sometimes what it takes is also even acknowledging that mourning, right? Because it wasn't that this gift wasn't meaningful and something that she liked. It's that she had an idea of what she wanted. And this didn't meet that expectation. And so it's the same thing. You know, it could be a sweater instead of a doll. 

And actually, when you think about the sweater, Oh, the sweater's kind of nice, but not as a replacement for the doll that you really wanted, right? But you can't connect to that unless you're giving yourself empathy or you're asking for that heart hug and empathic space from somebody else. to hear your, your truth. 

And then I'm hearing it's once I connect to my own feelings, connect to the other person's needs and, and thoughts around the gift, right? Which is the care and thoughtfulness that went into actually receiving the gift. And how do I name that? And then there's the space for mourning that those two are not aligned. 

Right? So that the, the gift giver really wants to see the joy that you receive from the gift they gave. But you might not feel that way. And so reconciling, reconciling that can be a mourning. And then how do you express that? And I think we're going to maybe do that in no skills and pro skills, but I know you gave an example and your example was, [00:28:00] Something along the lines of, thanks for thinking about me, it's not really what I wanted, but. 

And I think, I don't even know that that part is necessary to still maintain honesty. It can be focusing on the care, right? Thank you for thinking about me. You don't have to say you love it if you don't love it, but you don't also necessarily have to say you don't love it if it's not directly asked of you either. 

Matt: Right. That per, that process can be done internally. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And you can just have some internal self empathy. Yeah, this is not what I was really hoping for, but that's okay. And I'm going to express to the other person my appreciation for their desire to contribute to me.  

Alona: Right.  

Matt: And then if they ask, then you can share that as well, but you don't have to, it's not required to. 

Alona: Right. And you can even share that more, you know, invulnerability. Like if somebody asks you if you liked a gift or you liked a dish, oof, I'm a little nervous to share because I know how much care you gave and I'm feeling a little bit torn. I know you took a lot of time in getting this gift for me and thinking about me, and at the same time, It's not what I was hoping for, right? 

Matt: Maybe we could use this time to tell you about a couple of gifts you got me, Ilona.  

Alona: Please do. I know all my gifts are  

Matt: All your gifts are half as loved, 100 percent are for gifts, and there's never been That's  

Alona: why he never wears that sweater.  

Matt: I don't look good in purple. 

[00:29:33] No Skills to Pro Skills 
 

Host: No Skills to Pro Skills 

Alona: so in this section we kind of talk about how to approach this in, in a practical sense, how to do it with connection and, and starting without connection and then converting that to with connection.  

Matt: So a no [00:30:00] skills example could be declining like a friend's offer about a game, like a child saying, I don't want to play that game. 

It's boring. And then the friend will feel rejected or insulted.  

Alona: Right. Or the no skills would be. What was that woman thinking? Why would she get me  

Matt: soap? Are you kidding me? And then, you know, they were like during the gift This sweater is ugly and the parent could jump don't say that that's rude And now you not only have an unhappy child But now the child is feeling shame for their feelings learning to suppress honesty avoid conflict The gift giver feels hurt. 

No clarity on the child's true feelings and intentions, which is probably there's care in there and appreciation too that just hasn't come out. So, how do we take some of these examples and turn them into pro skills? For example, the child with the sweater. Hey, thank you for the sweater. I can see you really wanted to make me happy. 

I really appreciate the gift. Thank you for thinking of me. Now, the parent could bring something up if they want, you know, if they see the child, maybe the child's face drops, or the person that gave them the gift, or in your case, you see the soap and you hear them, you come into the bathroom and they're talking about how, how this lady could get you soaked. 

And like you did, right? It sounds like you're disappointed because it wasn't what you were wanting. And that's okay. And I really think that's important to let them know that their disappointment's okay, because they're going to think this has to be hidden. This is wrong. There's a general sense that we learn in our culture to avoid and decrease or try and prevent unpleasant feelings like disappointment. 

So when you do that, the child will then feel validated. They'll learn to express themselves authentically while also considering others. The gift giver can then feel validated and valued as well. It's ok, we can acknowledge if there's sadness, but connection is preserved even in the discomfort.  

Alona: Yes, and you know what, I think it's also, now that I'm connecting to it, I think it's [00:32:00] also a gift to the gift giver. 

Because in hearing that, For example, the soaps, if Jordan really didn't like those soaps, I could have taken them and gotten her, you know, taken her and gotten her something that she actually wanted. Or in case of the sweater, you can bring it back to the store and get that, you know, replace it with a sweater that they would actually like and wear. 

So it gives the gift giver an opportunity also to do it differently should they desire to do that.  

Matt: Yeah, and even, even something like the example of playing a game and I don't want to play it. That game is boring versus Hey, thanks for suggesting that game, but I'm not really in the mood for that one right now. 

Would you be open to picking something else that we both like? Right. And if we can coach the, the kids around that, it makes it so wonderful because the kids feel care versus if you say, that's boring, now the other kid's gonna take that personally. What do you mean my choices are boring? And it, again, it becomes very disconnected. 

Alona: Yeah. And I like, you know, when you were, you were talking about now the, the pro skills, the, the child having pro skills and the parent following up if they do see, you know, like we do with Kylie, when I see, or when you see that she does not like that food to pull her aside and say, Hey, I really appreciated the care you gave grandma or aunt, you know, so and so, but I'm guessing he doesn't like the food. 

So you know, how are you doing and what can we do to support you in this moment? Thank you. And I love that because it does really validate that it is okay to not like everything. And it is okay to discern and differentiate from somebody else.