Ep. 16: Navigating Fear as a Family: Tools for Parents During Tough Times

🎙️ New Episode Alert!
Join Dr. Matthew Lederman and Dr. Alona Pulde in this heartfelt episode of We Be Parents as they explore how fear impacts families during challenging moments, like wildfires or health scares. 💨🔥 From helping kids process anxiety to managing your own emotions as a parent, they share tools like the FEAR framework:
✔️ Feel it together
✔️ Explain your plan
✔️ Act with purpose
✔️ Reassure often

Tune in to discover how to guide your family through fear without suppressing it—and how to turn scary moments into opportunities for connection and healing. 🌱💛

📖 Plus, hear powerful stories from real parents and practical tips like practicing calm through tools like the webe kalm device!

To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Hey there! We'd love for you to hit that subscribe button. By subscribing you're helping us spread the word and connect with more amazing people like you. Welcome to We Be Parents, where parent doctors Matthew Lederman and Alona Pulde explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together.

Hello, and welcome to We Be Parents. It's the podcast where we explore the joys, challenges, and heart of parenting.  I'm Dr. Alona Pulde. And I'm Dr. Matthew Lederman,. And today we're diving into an important topic that touches every family and has particularly done that here with the recent Los Angeles fires, navigating fear for our loved ones safety and teaching our kids how to hold and process their fears in healthy, tangible ways.

Yeah, this has been a tough time, huh? Yeah, a really tough time. So many people have lost so much from their homes to things that they value, to their place of business, and not to mention the trauma of being evacuated from your home. It's intense. And the kids just going to school and checking, are we going to be allowed outside?

Is the air okay? I mean, to start thinking about the air you breathe as potentially dangerous is traumatic for children, let alone seeing the fire, seeing it on TV, seeing it on our balconies. Outside you can see the fire, seeing cars just lined up, traffic leaving the city. Hearing about people not being found and, and likely being dead.

I mean, seeing all the houses burnt down, just crazy. It's, it's so, and it's, how do you support yourself? [00:02:00] How do you support each, your partner? How do you support your kids? During the acute event and then the aftermath. Yeah. Yeah. Both are really important. Not only during, but after. Sometimes during in the midst of something you're, you've got such adrenaline pumping, you have no time to process all that's truly happened.

And only days later, can you sit with that? And I imagine for so many people, there's tremendous. Sadness and mourning. But yeah, but that's what we're going to be talking about in today's show. What happens when fear takes hold, whether it's a wildfire, a storm, a scary movie, a family event, it can be really overwhelming.

It can be overwhelming for kids and parents too. And today we're going to talk about how to navigate fear in a way that doesn't suppress or ignore it, but really helps everyone, especially kids, process through it in a healthy and constructive way. And that's whether you're preparing for an emergency or supporting a child through their day to day fears.

Yeah. I mean, I remember seeing, you know, our kids glued to the balcony during the fires, giving us a moment to moment update and we weren't even that close. Yeah. Waking up and seeing the smoke and this big black smoke just everywhere you could see and then far off in the distance, you could see the blue and the winds.

It was, it was very intense. Yeah. And the ashes. Yeah, when we went out to play outside and there was all this gray ash over the furniture and Jordan, our daughter, 11 years old, was like, what's this dad? And then our, we were lucky we didn't have to evacuate. We were, uh, prepared [00:04:00] to. But we didn't have to, we didn't, you know, thank God lose anything or anyone in the fire.

Right. But I know people who did and, I mean, it's just devastating. Yeah. And the devastation continues. I know just the other day I was picking up the girls and they were mentioning that they're getting new students because, uh, schools burnt down. And so they're They're displacing, they're placing students in other schools so that they can continue their education, but what a disruption to them, you know, and, and, uh, I, I just can't imagine.

So Matt, fear kind of is a more universal experience, you know, whether that's like we said, the fires or a natural disaster or a family event or an illness. Something that really sparks that fear and how do we support it because I think there's a tendency to really suppress it. Yeah, that's the challenge.

How do you support these big emotions? And in the healer moment, you got to get stuff done, you got to be effective, but you also want to be caring and supportive, so you're sort of balancing that, and then afterwards, how do you process and work through all of that? And how do you, and, and we're used to suppressing, we're used to pushing away, especially if it's uncomfortable or unpleasant.

Why, you know, why talk about something that's so painful, you know, try to forget about it. But your bodies don't forget about it, even if you think you do in your head, and the same with children. And I think it's really important to help children talk about it and process it. Because when you talk about it, that's what allows it to sort of dissolve versus fester.

Yeah. [00:06:00] I think a couple things come up as far as challenges in those situations is one, there's the adrenaline packed in the moment, you know, and that, that I think a misconception that there is no time to address this. And then, and then also balancing your own fear, you know, taking your own pulse and calming yourself down and then also supporting your children.

And sadly, I think there's a tendency to sweep it under the rug. Either you're in that adrenaline state where we can't handle this right now. We can't think about this right now. Or you're in the aftermath where it already happened. What are we going to do? Do you dwell on it? But I think that really robs you from the opportunity to heal through it.

Yeah, it's not that exciting to go back and talk about it, even if it's healing. And it's often not exciting because you're not sure what to say. Do we just bring up the fear again and everybody's re traumatized? Or is there a way to talk about it and bring it up so that it's actually healing and it provides relief and inner peace?

And I think there's some nuance there and some skill to that process. So today we're going to talk about this topic, we're going to, we have a tool to share, we're going to help people differentiate between no skills and pro skills, and then how to bring that home so that they can try and do that in their own houses.

And whether it's a fire or a tornado or an earthquake or some other big event. The idea is when there's big emotions, how can we support those, still be effective, especially during emergencies, and then support them during and after. All right, let's dive in. [00:08:00] Let's dive in. So the first thing I like to talk about with the topic is around how fear is a universal experience to really normalize fear.

We all have it. It comes and goes. It's actually not. necessarily even unpleasant in the sense that we'll go to movies. And when there's, you know, we get scared and, and be afraid and people pay for that. So it's not that fear is a problem, it's, it's more, how do we navigate it? Can we still feel safe and secure despite the fear?

And what happens when we suppress it, which I think builds that fear, makes it bigger. Yes. And when we don't talk about something, our kids don't necessarily feel safer, they actually can feel less safe because they think, boy, this must be really bad if we're not allowed to talk about it. Yes. So, not talking about something that everybody is aware exists.

Can make it even scarier. So we want to acknowledge that there's fear, allow that to show up. We want to look for suppression. Uh, suppression doesn't work, but we still try it nevertheless. And ignoring or dismissing fear can lead to anxiety and other unhealthy coping mechanisms. that we pay for later.

You'll, we'll find that in children that can show up with more, they can regress behaviorally. All of a sudden they want to sleep in your room, wet the bed when they were dry for a while. Uh, we could all of a sudden start eating differently, and, and foods that numb out more alcohol than we normally would drink.

So it starts showing up in these ways that make you wonder, okay, it's not to criticize or be, have your inner critic get active. But to say, Oh, maybe there's something that I'm suppressing and my body's trying to manage when we can help it out [00:10:00] in other ways. Yeah. I think anxiety is also another one that shows up in suppression.

It's almost a, uh, uh, manifestation. A different manifestation, maybe even a more acceptable manifestation of fear, you know, and when we get the message, don't be afraid, you know, there's nothing to be afraid of. We're going to be fine. And we push that down. What naturally comes out is a hyper vigilant.

Anxiety, you know, a desire to sometimes control what we can control because we feel so out of control. Yeah. And I think, I think sometimes that's also missed as a signal of unprocessed fear. Can you say more about that, the what's missed? Yeah, I think, so, you know, I'm thinking about our own kids and how, you know, seeing the fires and thinking about the fires because it didn't impact us.

Directly that impacted us indirectly, but they know people who it did impact directly and just the thought of that, you know, had they not been able to process and talk through that I even noticed. It's like, you know, Kylie kind of going around the house and collecting all of her, the most important things to her, you know, in anticipation of what if we need to evacuate too.

And I think it's really important to support and discuss that. When you see that it's not, Hey, there's nothing to worry about. We don't have to evacuate. It's not anywhere near us. Versus, oh, I imagine if you're collecting all of your important stuff, this must be pretty scary for you, imagining having to leave our house.

Yeah. That's a great point. And, and I can see how if you don't, if you, if that isn't something that becomes [00:12:00] something that you become self aware of or aware in her, then that anxiety about, Losing stuff or controlling, you know, she can't control the fires, but feeling that sense of out of control fear can show up in a variety of different ways.

People with, you know, more obsessive compulsive behaviors, just like you said, regression or. And they'll hide it. So if you try to minimize it, they're going to try and hide the fact that they're collecting all their stuff because. You know, mom or dad thinks this is silly, and then they're with their fear alone, and that's where the suffering happens, when you're holding your fear alone.

So it's not the presence of fear that causes suffering, it's the holding it alone. Absolutely. And that's where you can go and, and start to check in with them around that. And I think the inner critic gets involved too. You know, like we had very, two very different approaches. Kylie was going around the house collecting her valuables.

Jordan looked outside the window and said, we're going to be fine. We're not, we don't have to leave. And that was just that, you know, so when they, if there's comparison happening there, Kylie has the potential to be thinking, well, what's wrong with me? Why, why aren't I like Jordan? And again, if you don't.

Mind for that, and look for that, that's the inner critic that starts building in her own head, the dialogue that's happening for her. So it, it gets compounded. Yeah. Yeah, and, and I think we can talk to people about how to, how to manage the sphere. I think we can get more detailed around that, because like you said, every kid Handles it a little differently.

Every person handles it differently. For me, what's hit home more recently is fear around Kylie and her diagnosis, her Crohn's disease, which she's been vocal about, she's [00:14:00] been comfortable sharing it. Uh, she's 13 years old and, uh, having a, a flare and for me, it's, there's a fear of she's going to be okay.

And there's a part of me, the, the doctor part of me that has seen lots of people with Crohn's disease. And. That's not a, not a concern. This is a process. This happens. There's the parent in me. It's like, are we doing something? Is there something off in the diet that we need to tweet with? All sorts of, you know, she gets, she's also celiac.

So is she getting gluten? Am I, am I screwing that up somehow? So there's my inner critic. There's my fear if she's going to be okay. And I noticed that I start to get into my own head and I start to get focused around trying to figure out how to solve this problem. And what happens is I start to get more distant.

And when I was driving with the kids to school. I could see that there was tension in them because of my distance and what they really needed was me to talk to them and I was really trying to balance how much do I tell them about my fear that won't alarm them, but also sort of let them into my world a little bit because the absence of any communication about my fear is potentially even more alarming.

And what would you say? Like how would you balance that? And I think that's. Ugh, oh so valid, and it's hard. And I'm imagining it happened in, in the fire situations as well, which is, are we going to be okay? Am I going to be okay? And the discomfort with, we're going to be okay, but I don't know, you know, I don't know how it unfolds.

What things are going to look like. Right. We're going to make sure it's okay, but I don't know what the end point will look like. That whole notion of, I don't know, is a very uncomfortable space for parents. They, I think there's an expectation that we put on ourselves that we [00:16:00] should know that, you know, even hearing you, I, I hear that and I feel such compassion because the expectation to everything and anticipate it before it hits is an unrealistic expectation.

You're, you're bound to fail. I mean, when you look at Kylie, knock wood, you know, she is looking really good right now. Her energy is good. Her appetite is good. So many things outwardly that would make it very hard to know. What, what is actually happening internally. And so, but I think, you know, one, we place that expectation on ourselves.

Like we need to be the know all end all be all for these children. And that really prevents and inhibits our own authentic, showing up authentically for them, you know, and saying, I am afraid. And I am uncomfortable. And I do want this to go faster. And I want to see you healthy. And I hate this. And it's hard, I noticed, I don't know if this is, uh, something I impose on myself or it's a cultural thing, but I have this belief that people look to me to gauge how scared to be.

So there's sort of like this belief that if, if I express fear outward, That people are going to be more scared as a result of that because if dad's scared then it must be there's a problem But if we look to dad if dad's okay, then things are gonna be okay So it's tough to it's it's really important to be able to say dad can share fear and things are gonna be okay And I think that yeah, that's what I need practice with is not saying I got this.

I'm gonna figure it out And part [00:18:00] of what makes me tend to withdraw or get more irritable is when I don't know how I'm going to fix it or figure it out. So I'm busy in my head trying to figure it out. Meanwhile, everybody else is looking at me and like, Oh, there must be something wrong. And then I'm like, don't show anybody that there's any fear because then they're going to be even more worried.

That's exactly it. That's so my guess is, and, and you can tell me if it resonates with you is that's a result of fear being suppressed for so long that it's. Amplified in order, you know, you said it yourself, if dad's afraid, whew, that's a big one versus fears is a feeling just like so many others, right?

You can feel sad for a while. You can feel scared for a little bit. You can feel happy. You can, so the suppression of it gives it this tremendous power. That when it no longer can be suppressed, this is grave.

Topics and tools. So I think there's some insights which include one, just being, getting better at acknowledging the fear, acknowledging that exists. I know our, uh, partner at WeBe. Uh, Ryan talked about, you know, when they had the fire coming, he lives in, in Reno. And when they had the fire coming, it was, you know, he was running around trying to get stuff, and there was no time.

And his kids all act, reacted differently. I don't even know if Ryan was, had time to Assess if he was afraid, and the question is, do you stop and assess, or do you run and get as much as you can and assess later? You know, if one of your kids is needing a little support, do you, do you spend five seconds with them, ten seconds?

How much is the right amount? And, and that's all trying to, to figure that out. Yeah, and his story is very real, and I imagine [00:20:00] that a lot of, People, especially those directly impacted, will be able to relate where the fire was coming their way and they needed to evacuate and he was home with his son and he and his son were gathering some of their more important things and his wife and daughter came home.

And, you know, he and his son had, had had some time to kind of process that they were going to be evacuated. But when his daughter came home, it was just shocking and she froze. And while he's running around, you know, gathering stuff, he noticed, wow, she is absolutely immobilized. And he did take a few minutes.

Now, he had been working with her and, and his, his kids know about the WeBecom. They practice with the WeBecom. They know what it means to take a WeBe breath. And he realized that really the, the tool that he had at that moment was to look her in the eyes and say, honey, I need you to take some WeBe breaths.

And then he gave her a task to do, and just connecting with her, grounding her around those weeby breaths, gave her the, the power to then go and, and get the task done. Go ahead. Yeah. So, and, and the other part of that is, I don't know that he didn't go into his fear. He didn't go into a long conversation.

He did. You know, what needed to be done, but also it's a both and he was able to support his daughter and get what he needed done. And then the processing can happen later. That's okay too. Yeah. I don't think you have to talk about it in the healing moment. Sometimes you can't. Right. But it's constantly assessing and finding that balance.

Yes. And then also, one of the keys that we're going to talk about later is [00:22:00] the practice of being able to find your calm when things get really bad. And the fact that he practiced with the We Be Calm with his kids allowed them to have that muscle memory of what to do. Yes. Because knowing how to breathe in the moment, Is different than training your body to breathe and elicit the calming reflex for months after, you know, month after month by practicing every night.

And that's why, you know, it's like knowing how to Brent Bench press 150, 200 pounds is different than practicing every day so that you can actually lift 250 pounds. And that's, that was what I believe really helped him in the moment. And that's one of the key techniques is what, what is in your arsenal to be able to support Kam.

So there's, not only he was an anchor, he supported her in the moment. He gave some predictability around, here's what we're going to do, you're going to take your breaths, and then you're going to do this task. So you're just focused on one, it's, it's a presence. Don't think about all the bad things that can happen.

We're going to do one, and then step two, and then step three. He also modeled, did a breath with her, and then gave, empowered them with action. So he did all of the steps that I believe, and I, I think you agree, are essential for helping to deal with this, with this fear. Yeah. And I'd love to just go over those again, like to highlight them again.

So it's really beginning by acknowledging the fear, not dismissing or minimizing it, but, you know, even owning, I understand you're scared. It's okay to feel this way. And then being a calming anchor so that your response kind of set in the tone for them and then creating a sense of predictability. Kids feel significantly safer when they have an idea of the [00:24:00] plan and have some element of predictability.

Uh, he modeled coping. So you know, he, he showed her that, you know, you can manage your fears and we're going to take that breath together and then we're going to go do X, Y, and Z, giving her, uh, an action plan. I love that. Yeah. And then we have the tool, the FEAR framework, F E A R, which F stands for feel, feeling it together, E is explain what you're doing, the A is act, act with purpose, and R is to reassure often.

I love that. The FEAR framework, feel it together, explain what you're doing, act with purpose, reassure often. Yeah. And this is what it could sound like. So, feeling it together, encourage your child to name the feelings. I feel scared when I see the smoke. And then explain what you're doing, share your plan in simple terms.

We're packing a bag so we're ready just in case. Or, go and you grab some comfort items and bring those to the car. Act with purpose, involve your child in an action like preparing supplies or creating a checklist. So make sure you give them a task as well, and then reassure. So remind them they're not alone, we're in this together, we're staying safe.

Whatever happens, we're going to be together, and that means we're going to be okay, and we're going to figure everything else out. This episode of We Be Parents is brought to you by We Be Calm, the child calmer designed by doctors and loved by parents. Struggling with bedtime routines or managing your child's anxiety?

We Be Calm transforms deep breathing into a fun and engaging activity. Helping kids find their inner calm, perfect for bedtime stressful moments, or anytime your child needs a little extra help to stay calm, visit we be [00:26:00] calm.com to learn more and bring tranquility to your family. We be calm because we be in this together.

So I think that using those tools. Can really make a difference, and it doesn't take a lot of time. Yeah, and, and again, it can be, you know, during the fires, I remember, uh, you know, talking to the girls and sharing, yeah, it's normal to feel scared. And I remember my mom had to come for a night, they were evacuated.

And, and the girls were worried, is Taw going to lose her house? What's going to happen? Is she going to be okay? What about all her stuff? And you know, sharing with them, yeah, that's a really scary thought and I don't know what's going to happen. I hope that it's going to be okay. And either way we're going to support Taw.

But yeah, it can be really scary. And they liked playing games too. They liked playing, Dad, you have five things you can take from the house. What would you take? I bet that's meeting their needs for predictability right there. Yeah, they just wanted to, it was a connection. We were talking about stuff that everybody was afraid could happen.

And then we got to sort of come up with some action. Yeah. And, um, yeah, it was just, it was very, it was really helpful. It was actually hard to limit to five things. So that was interesting to me. Like, wow, I have a lot of stuff that I have. Yeah. So, yeah, so just the, to give people a little bit of sense of what this could feel like you want to show them, uh, we can jump into no skills and versus pro skills and show people what that could look like.

I think you did that a little bit before, which. The no skills is people are always going to be caring, but they might be in a rush. Oh, we don't have time for this. Uh, we got to move. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. And you're rushing along. This is not the time to be [00:28:00] afraid. You got to move on it. So you need to be tough right now.

Uh, telling them what, telling them things like that versus. Um, with pro skills is again, that doesn't mean you can't move quickly, but Hey, I know you're afraid. I'm scared too, but we, we got to move fast right now. Can you move faster than me? And we'll talk about our fear later. Yeah. I love that because that also, not only are you staying realistic to what needs, what priorities need to happen now, but you're also.

Providing some predictability and letting them know, we're not going to let this go. We are going to address this. And you know, the, the, the fires, family events, health, some of those can be really big things. And then, you know, I just had that actually happen today. This can show up in really small ways too.

Our daughters are in musical theater and Jordan. I was really excited about the show that they're doing today, or this time, and she wanted a particular role that she didn't get. And we reached out to her teacher together to find out, you know, what she could do to hone her skills. And today I dropped them off.

This was the first time after that email correspondence. And as we're approaching, she said, Oh. This is going to be awkward. This is the first time I'm seeing my teacher since all that email stuff. And my response was, it's such a default, but my response was, Oh, you don't have to be nervous. She's your teacher.

That's the role that she plays in this whole thing, you know? And as I'm driving home, I'm kicking myself thinking. Why'd I do that? She was nervous and I could have, it could have even been, Oh, I'm curious, tell me more about that. Right? Cause in this particular situation, it was not an emergency and we had time, but it becomes this default of, Oh, you know, that's an [00:30:00] uncomfortable feeling, stifle it, or that's not appropriate or, and, and you brush it aside.

So, so yeah, it was a, it was a really. It was a reflection for me to think how, how it seeps into everyday little things too. Yeah. And I love your self awareness and yeah, there was fear there that you accidentally brushed past and you can go back. And redo it with her, which you tend to do. And so you don't have to get it right, but just that awareness of how often this can happen, how easily it can slip through.

Yeah. And how over time, that becomes a feeling that I'm letting her know should be suppressed. Mm hmm. And then It, again, it grows in power. So when you feel it and you're not supposed to feel it, or it's not appropriate to feel, or, Oh, it's, you know, it doesn't belong in this situation, then the inner critic gets involved.

Then suddenly this whole notion of fear just grows and becomes. You know, so much bigger, so much less manageable. Yeah. And it's so important, I think, for parents to know that it's much more impactful what you do and what you model than what you tell them. So telling them that it's okay to feel your fear, but then when something small like this happens, you're, you're teaching them very differently.

Yeah. I also like being able to take your fear and physically. And move it outside of you. So I'll say, okay, so we have this fear. What does that feel like? And can we pull it outside of our body and can we hold it in our hands? And can we just hold it for a little bit and look at it? And then what is that?

Then I have the kids talk about what does it feel like in your hand? Is it cold? Is it hot? Is it wet [00:32:00] feeling? Does it feel like slime? Is it dry? So they really. Start to get it outside of them and they can, and it gives them a way to hold onto it. And then we'll actually take the fear. They can put it next to them on the chair and they can play with it and say, okay, well, I'm going to put my fear on the chair next to me.

What are you going to do with your fear? And then sometimes we'll take turns. It's okay. We're ready to let go of our fear. Do we want to keep holding onto it for a little longer? And they'll decide if they want to let go, I'll say, okay, on three, we're going to throw it out into the universe. And we'll go one, two, three, and we throw it out.

And we'll tell if you're anytime you want to come back, you can come back and we'll hang out with you again. So there's a way to externalize the fear and touch it and play with it. Even though it's imaginary, there's something healing to the body to give them those tools as well. I love that. I love that ability to you feel a lot of a sense of control over.

What your empowerment, maybe, uh, not quite control, but empowerment over this notion of fear. I also think it's really important for, for us as parents to be comfortable saying, you know, and we talked about it a little bit before, but really we don't know how this unfolds and we don't have all the answers.

And so fear doesn't become, I'm no longer afraid because I know it all. It's okay not to know and allow that fear to process through. The absence of fear is not knowing at all. It's not certainty per se. Yeah, yeah, I, that's such a great point. The absence of fear is not knowing what's going to happen. It's knowing that you're going to be able to act no matter what happens.

Correct. That was very well said.

So how do we bring this home for people that resonate? I think the first thing, you know, we always talk about when you bring it home is really explain [00:34:00] it to your children. And this will change depending on a situation. So if there's a more emergent situation, you might not have time to really delve into it.

It'll have to be brief, but just kind of giving them an idea of what's happening and what needs to happen. I think Inviting your children, again, depending on the situation, whether it's then in that moment or shortly afterwards, once the immediate emergency or urgency has dissipated, is to encourage them to share their feelings and ask any questions that come up.

That's important and to really, really invite and welcome any of that and to model for your children. Show that, you know, courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is standing in the face of fear. And, and if we can regulate ourselves and remain calm, even though we're worried, it really helps them mirror the same.

And there are a lot of grounding techniques and you mentioned it, the more you can practice that outside of an emergency, the more it becomes a default programming in an emergency. Yeah, I love this quote, calm is not a coincidence, it's a practice. I love that. It, it absolutely is a practice and the more you do it, the easier it is to pull it out in situations where it's needed.

And practice it as a family. You can role play scenarios to prepare. You can, you know, brain dump. After a day, there's usually something that if you're really teasing it out, you were nervous about, afraid about, you know, felt worried about. I know I always have a whole basket full of those. And for people that don't know what a brain dump is, it's what we call, just getting out, it's almost like a verbal journal or a verbal [00:36:00] expressive writing, where you just say what's on your mind, your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, sensations in your body, images, worries.

And the other person just listens, doesn't give advice, doesn't try to fix it, and you can talk as long as you need to. So, uh, practicing that, I love, uh, uh, role playing with the kids. I like reversing and let them be the parents and I'll be the kids, and then I'll say things that they're not comfortable saying necessarily.

So I might say, Oh my God, I'm really scared, could I die? And I'm curious how they'll respond to that. And then that also not only gives them a chance to see that it's okay to say something like that, but to see how they respond, and then we can talk about that as well. Or even Dad, when you're scared, I feel even more scared.

I, you know, I just had a flashback to, I remember my dad was quite stoic and he did not wear his emotions on his sleeves when they were unpleasant or fear based or sad. He soldiered up pretty good. And I remember going to the cemetery with him when I was 11 years old. And it's such a clear, tangible memory for me.

And, uh, we went to visit his brother's grave. And for the first time ever, I saw my dad sob and I, like the world just shattered for me at that moment. I'm like, what happened? You know, it felt so big and so awful. And 10 minutes later, we're on the, we're on our way to the beach to meet family. And my dad is fine.

And I was in shock, like, I did not know what to do with that, but [00:38:00] nor did I feel comfortable bringing that up. And so I imagine that's why it's such a tangible memory for me right now, you know? And I think if he had shown more vulnerability just in the day to day. That would have just been, Oh, that's something dad does.

And, you know, it makes me think like, I think that's what happens in that whole stereotype of men don't show their emotions. And then when they do, they're so big versus, Oh, mom cries, mom cries at, you know, sad commercials and, and you kind of blow it off. Yeah. And I'm sure people, I know I have stories like that of those vivid memories.

And that's what we're talking about. We say that. It can fester. If you don't talk about it, it can fester. And what's interesting though about the, the, the human body is it's not good about telling time. So you can actually repair that, where you can have a conversation with your dad with the skills you have now.

That you weren't able to have when you were a kid, and your body is going to process the emotion that it wasn't able to process back then. So it's actually interesting, you could do that, like I could play your dad, and you could have the conversation with me. You could do it yourself in the car while you're driving, and I'd be interested to see how that helps you process.

So, it's never too late. to talk about the fear, even if that person's not around anymore, you can still process it. And I, I love that reminder, you know, and, and as we kind of take inventory, you know, I'm definitely going to go back to Jordan today and bring that up and, and re address and redo that. But it really, It's hopeful, right?

Because we can think about situations in the past where, oh, these situations may have arisen and boy, now knowing what we know now, we wish we'd done that differently and that there's still the opportunity to do that is, is [00:40:00] really awesome to, to remain aware of. So Matt, what, uh, as we're wrapping up here, what's the one last thing we want to leave our listeners with?

All right. Fear is a natural response to uncertainty, but when we face it together, we find courage and connection. Yes. And our hearts go out to everyone that was directly and indirectly impacted by the recent Los Angeles fires. Yes. Our hearts go out to you and, you know, let's all share. And good thoughts and send our love and care.

So thank you. And to all the brave people donating and helping and everybody, just what a wonderful, uh, sense of community and care for your fellow man. That is a, a beautiful thing that has come out of quite a tragedy is just to see how people have grouped together and community has just been so strong.

What a lovely thing to leave us with. Your experiences and feedback are invaluable to us. Please email us at parents at webetogether. com with your own cheers and tears as well as any questions or stories you'd like to share. Thanks again for joining us today and we look forward to connecting with you next time.