Ep. 20 MicroConnections: The Secret to Stronger Relationships ✨

Parenting is chaotic. Life is busy. But deep connection doesn’t have to wait for the "perfect moment"—because let’s be real, that moment never comes. In this episode of webe Parents, Dr. Matthew Lederman and Dr. Alona Pulde dive into the power of micro connections—small, intentional moments that keep relationships strong, even in the middle of life’s chaos.

💛 What You’ll Learn:

✔️ How a 30-second hug can shift the emotional tone of your day
✔️ Why eye contact and a simple smile can make all the difference
✔️ How small gestures—like a quick hand squeeze or a shared joke—can build lasting intimacy
✔️ The Connection Pause: A tool to help you step out of the busyness for just a moment and step into real connection
✔️ Why doing life together doesn’t always mean feeling connected—and how to bridge the gap

From rushing through morning routines to juggling work, school, and endless to-do lists, micro connections are the small but mighty moments that strengthen bonds between parents, partners, and kids. 💞

To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Transcript

WBP 120 - MicroConnections Topic & Tools
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[00:00:00] 

Alona Pulde: Hey there, we'd love for you to hit that subscribe button by subscribing. You're helping us spread the word and connect with more amazing people like you. 

Host: Welcome to We Be Parents, where parent doctors, Matthew Lederman and Alona Polday explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together.

Alona Pulde: Welcome to We Be Parents. Where we explore the joys and challenges of parenting and help families grow closer together. Hi, I'm Dr. Alona Polday. 

Matthew Lederman: And I'm Dr. Matthew Lederman. 

Alona Pulde: And today we're diving into a topic that's so relevant for us and for many other really busy parents. In fact, who isn't a busy parent?

It almost goes hand in hand. How to intentionally connect with each other in the middle of life. It's chaos, instead of waiting for the perfect moment that never seems to come. How you doing? I'm doing all right. This is a, a very relevant and resonant topic for me, especially lately when we've been dealing with some health issues with our oldest daughter, and it seems like As happy as I am to support her, you know, and not that I want her to have the health challenges, but, you know, that, that we're committed to supporting her, whatever that takes, I do notice how that has come at the cost of some of our connection.

And, you know, I think I keep having that thought of, I'll just get through this. I'll just get through this, whether it's this to do list or these items that I have to do, or this, issue that we're dealing with, and then we'll find the time to connect. But it seems like that moment just doesn't come because there's always something added, something more, something to do.

Matthew Lederman: [00:02:00] Yeah. And I know you said you're doing all right. If I was going to check in with myself, everything that you just described just now is probably the biggest challenge for me. It's My need for connection and to me needs are these almost like these streams that can be flowing well or they can be a little boulder or blockage in the stream and it's not flowing as well.

That's the way I think of needs and my need for connection. Right now, the stream is flowing a little, a little lighter, a little, a little, there's a little turbulence in there. And it's been a challenge because of all this other stuff life has presented us with. And I have to be even more intentional to meet the need for connection because as parents, I think that we often sacrifice, particularly between, you know, between the couple, between me and you, and we put ourselves And then we don't meet our needs for connection because we think, well, let's get everything else handled and then we'll do this at the end when there's time left over that ultimately never shows up.

Alona Pulde: Yeah. And I think there's a great cost to that over lengths of time, you know, where you don't tend to a relationship and then there's a natural distance that happens. That becomes harder, or sometimes it feels like insurmountable to bridge when you've let so much time go by without tending to connection.

And that's an intimate relationship, it's a friendship, it's any kind of important relationship in your life. Yeah, 

Matthew Lederman: it starts to become harder to have those little moments of warmth and joy and connection because there's this, this, Subtle distance and loneliness that can build up. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. And part of that connection comes from familiarity.

And, and, [00:04:00] and part of that familiarity comes from regular connections. Right? So that I'm involved in your life. I know what's happening in your life. I feel a part of your life. And I'm using you as an example, but it can be anybody. And if I don't feel that way, or you don't feel that way, and there's this natural kind of, Like we said, like a distance that, that, that becomes, you do, you feel like a stranger all of a sudden.

And 

Matthew Lederman: that's a weird stranger thing. It's, it's like, I know this person really well, but there's a felt sense that you would have more on the stranger, you know, with a stranger type of, does that make sense what I'm saying? Like intellectually, I'm, I've known you for how many years now? Do the math, you know, 20, 20 something years.

And it's. Not that I lose that familiarity, but there's a, a felt sense of that, that hugging, warmth, connection, joking, laughing, smiling, moments of, uh, making eye contact. That as those become fewer and far between because you're busy putting out fires and getting things done and work and trying to do a little bit of self care and the more, the, the less frequent you have those moments of connection.

The more this felt sense of distance or loneliness starts to creep in, I think. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, yeah, that completely resonates and that is exactly the topic that we're going to be talking about today because let's get real. Parenting is chaotic. There are always demands. There's homework, there's errands, there's tantrums, there's dinner, there's friend issues, health issues.

Matthew Lederman: Are you through? Illness on top of all that stuff or problems or, I mean, with our girls, the, the drama that comes up in [00:06:00] school could take an entire, you know, we could devote evenings to. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, absolutely. One of our kids is in middle school and the one is, one is very close to entering middle school and it's incredible how The drama becomes exponential once you step into that environment.

And in all of that, we often put off connecting with our partner, even sometimes with our kids. We think, Oh, I'll check in later when things settle down or when things are calmer or quieter or when this issue has passed, I have time. The issue is that later never comes, that time is never, suddenly appears for you.

Matthew Lederman: I like playing handball with Jordan outside. Jordan's our 11 year old, and she loves playing handball. And she said to me after we play handball, even if it's just 15 minutes, she's like, Tad, one of my favorite parts of the day was playing handball with you. So it's really sweet. But the other day there was just, you know, we were food shopping and doing stuff around the house.

And then all of a sudden there was this work stuff and there was a bunch of health issues and doctor's appointments. And then I was at my computer and I had maybe 30, 45 minutes before I had to go to another meeting. And I was doing something that I probably could have done the next day. But there was this need to like, get this done so I can get it off my plate.

And I came out and I was about to go to my meeting because I spent the 45 minutes and Jordan was like, Oh, can you play handball with me, Dad? And I said, Oh, I can't, I was working for these 45 minutes and I'm now I'm going to my meeting and I can't play handball. But I felt really sad because there was, I was just putting out fires and I missed that opportunity for 15 minutes of connection with her playing handball.

And in hindsight, if I was more aware and more intentional and I said, okay, how am I going to get these connection moments in? And then I can fill the rest of the time up with [00:08:00] other stuff. That would have been ideal, but because I wasn't intentional, I didn't get that connection moment that I really mourned not having.

Alona Pulde: Yeah, and it's a mourning even when it's a one off, but when it starts becoming a chronic issue, to me it's like chronic disease. You know, you don't wake up one day and have diabetes. You've contributed to that through lifestyle and diet over years and years and years. And the same thing with disconnection.

It doesn't just appear that people feel disconnected from one another or strangers to one another. This is something that has been present and insidious. for a tremendous amount of time. 

Matthew Lederman: And knowing that that's, that happens and it, it's time over and over again of this building up, this, these, this disconnection sort of building up is helpful because then you know, it's not going to be, it's not going to fix overnight.

One connected moment isn't going to balance everything back. And I think people start to question the relationship even. Hey, is everything okay? I think even our kids notice when we're connecting less. Our kids will, you know, ask us, is everything okay, if, you know, if I'm, they really pick up on the tension, the stress, the amount of interaction that we have.

You know, it's, it's, can be concerning for them. So it not only affects us. But it affects their sense of well being when we're not connecting as much. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. Yeah. And I think they'll notice, you know, it's, and the funny thing is that you and I spend so much time together over the course of the day that I want to clear what connection means.

Cause we. Connect on a lot of things, but those things are more [00:10:00] transactional. There in the head space. Things that need to get done, things we need to finish, the things we need to cross off the to-do list things we need to divide and conquer, but we're not in the heart space of really connecting in our hearts together.

Matthew Lederman: And that's why there doesn't feel like there's intimacy. So you can be together and be very disconnected. 

Alona Pulde: Yes, 

Matthew Lederman: I think there's people that will be listening. That would say, hey, I don't even see my partner. So if I could just, you know, do the dishes next to my partner, that's a step in the right direction.

And it is, at least there's some togetherness. And I differentiate between togetherness and connection. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: And to me, connection is more about that intimate felt space, not just the intellectual, more transactional space. 

Host: Right. Both 

Matthew Lederman: are valuable. But having these moments of felt. Connection is, is essential for the relationship to thrive.

Alona Pulde: Right, not sacrificing that for the transactional that needs to get done. 

Matthew Lederman: Or mistake it and say, oh, we spend a lot of time together, so we're, we're connecting. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. You know, it, it reminds me actually, this is, this is kind of what came to mind as a visual. The other day we took Jordan to California Adventure and And we spent the whole day together, you, me, and Jordan, walking alongside each other and everything.

But there's a difference between we're walking alongside each other, everybody's looking in a different direction, and when you were holding my hand. And all of a sudden it was like, ah, we're, we, it's a different type of connection, even though the whole day was spent together. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, I remember that. I was particularly struggling with worry and a sense of insecurity around Kylie, who's our 13 year old, her health and with her Crohn's disease.

And I remember feeling more shut down [00:12:00] and distant. While we were at California Adventure, and I had a hard time when I'm in that state even approaching you with more warmth and touch, and I can't remember what it was actually, but I remember the switch too, like the day that I was feeling more distant.

And lonely, even though we were together. And then sort of like the second half, something switched. And I do remember holding your hand and there was touch and connection. And I don't, do you remember what the, the switch was, but I do remember there was a Almost like a flip. 

Alona Pulde: Maybe you had lunch. Okay. 

Matthew Lederman: Maybe for a reason.

I was just hungry. 

Alona Pulde: I don't know. But do you see 

Matthew Lederman: what I'm saying? Like there was something, but where, and it, but it was so clear. I have the same exact memory of a difference there. And I think when people understand that difference, sometimes I'll work with clients. And they'll say like, I just want them to be, you know, to love me and to, you know, there's this abstract and the husband is confused because he's, he's, I don't know what do you mean by, I want you to love me.

And at the same time, the, the, the other partner is like, Oh, you know, I just, I just want that intimacy. So again, it's, they can't put words into that felt. vulnerable place where our hearts are both open and with each other. I don't know how to, I mean, it still sounds abstract when I talk about it, but it's very important, I think, for people to understand that felt space together, that heart space together versus just being physically next to each other.

Alona Pulde: Yeah. Yeah. I like that. And I think one of the big obstacles Or, you know, one of the obstacles can be time. There's so little time already. Carving out more time for this connection because it feels like, well, if I'm not [00:14:00] spending a lot of time on this, then is it even worth it? And I think that's the value of kind of the discussion today is that it doesn't have to be these big, elaborate gestures or a tremendous amount of time.

By stepping out of the chaos even briefly and making small intentional connections, we'll call them micro connections, you can strengthen that family bond even in the busiest and most hectic moments. And it could be that, the 15 minutes of handholding over the course of the entire day. And that was really touching.

Or, you know, another thing that I, I noticed. I just love is I'll do a heart to heart with the girls. Where they'll sit facing, they'll sit on my lap facing me and hug me in a way that our hearts touch. And we can do that for three, four, five minutes. And my heart just fills up feeling their heartbeat, feeling their warmth, feeling that touch and that proximity to one another and sharing that time and space.

It's just so, it's, it's resourcing, it's refreshing, it fills up my cup and it's five minutes. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, that's, that's the key is knowing what are some actions, what are strategies that will actually meet that need for. that felt space, that felt heart space of connection. I have one that I really like, which is a 30 second hug.

And I'll say to the kids, can you give me a hug for 30 seconds? And we try to match our breathing to each other. And that feels really warm and sweet. So it doesn't have to be this 20, 30 minutes. That was, that's 30 to 60 [00:16:00] seconds. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. Who doesn't have 30 or 60 seconds? You know, to, and the value that comes out of that 30 or 60 seconds is priceless.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, I love when you will sit right across my lap and look at me very close and we're making eye contact and sometimes you'll touch my face and I love that and it's only a couple of minutes, but there's, it just, everything around me stops when I'm doing the 30 sec, when I'm in that heart space. The head stops.

If you're still thinking about what you have to do while you're doing something, you're not really in the heart space has been my experience. What, what would you say about that? 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. When you can step into feeling when your mind is not, when you're present, when your mind is not busy, you know, contemplating the past or worrying about the future, but you can just be in the moment.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, and I, I have a hard time doing that if I don't physically step out. So if the, if the, the chaos is there, stepping out of the chaos for me is essential. So we're not telling people you can't have chaos in your lives. That's not, that's not likely for parents. But can you step out? And for me, it's, it's important to physically shift environments.

It's almost like with kids when they're screaming and having a tantrum and they remember when they were young and we would hold them and they wouldn't, nothing we did would get them but then you'd walk outside and there's something about the change in the temperature and the smell and the cold but the whole body regulates just from going outside and walking with them and then you come back in and it's like a new kid.

Host: Mm hmm. 

Matthew Lederman: So, to me, it's the same thing where you just physically shift your body and there's some message to the whole body that says, okay, we're, we're shifting gears here. So we'll, that's why I love, I personally love going to the, we call it the feeling couch instead of thinking chair. And I'll go to the feeling couch and I sit there and I just say, [00:18:00] okay, now I'm going to sink in to what I'm feeling.

And it's with you and me. We'll just, I'll just share, I'll start with body sensations. Oh, I'm feeling a little bit of heartburn in my chest, and I'm feeling a little, a little discomfort bloating in my stomach, and I'm feeling a little squeezing in my head. So I'm just starting to name physical sensations with you.

And for you to hear that, even though I'm like, how's this helping Elona? But you said that it's particular, it seems to be helpful to start with physical sensations, and then I can get to emotions. And then I can get to needs and, you know, I can even start by sharing images. Hi, this image of like a tornado spinning around my office with me caught in it.

And there's something, you can even speak to that now, like, what is it would you say that just sharing body sensations and images. Even if I don't get to the emotion, it seems to be contributing. I think there 

Alona Pulde: are two things. One is, there's a vulnerable openness and a sharing of your experience. And you're inviting me into that world.

And that's, to me, the exact opposite. Opposite of shutdown, where shutdown feels so distant, you're shutting someone out of your life. You have closed the door and you're on either side of the door. Now I feel like I'm through the door with you and we're in this together. I don't have to solve it for you, but I can understand your space, your world.

And even that invitation and the vulnerability I think feels great. 

Matthew Lederman: And it's easier to do that when I'm not worried that you're going to try and fix it, or you're going to pressure me to say, well, what are you feeling? Or what does that mean? What do you mean a tornado? You know, or what do you mean you feel stressed?

Why do you feel, why do you have a stomach? Was it something you ate? So there's none of that. It's just sharing what's there and you're. Just allowing it to unfold and being there with me. [00:20:00] And then I have to trust that that's actually going to contribute to you. Because I'm, I'm like, well, I don't know exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Alona Pulde: And ladies and gentlemen, that has been a work in progress. Alona did not start off that way. Ha ha ha ha. Those examples that he gave were real. But tell us more about 

Matthew Lederman: the work in progress. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, that whole notion of kind of sitting Stepping into someone else's world doesn't mean fixing it for them. It means sitting in there with them, unless they're asking for solutions, right?

But sometimes it's just about sharing that space, letting them know they're not alone, but they're welcome to whatever comes up for them. And that is hard for me. I, I don't like hearing that my loved ones are in pain in any way, you know, whether it's emotional or physical pain. And it's a very uncomfortable space for me.

So it's been a real effort. You know, I've, I've been working on making space for that too, being okay in the discomfort. And I think really, recognizing and enjoying the vulnerability that that invites, right? And the openness and the closeness that I feel. So there's that, it's like a reward system, you know, Oh, look, look at the value that comes from.

sitting in this space of discomfort and, and that value makes it something that I want to keep doing. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. So that's reinforcing when you show up this way, you're getting these results. You're getting, and it's not a result focused, but you're getting this experience. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. And this is the experience.

Ultimately, that's the [00:22:00] experience I want. I don't want to be, I want to, um, Be part of the journey. The journey doesn't always have to be pleasant. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, and trying to help people is ultimately trying to relieve their pain, which then relieves your pain. Exactly. So, versus Hey, what I really, what really meets your needs is not relief, it's connection.

Alona Pulde: Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: So, if you're focused on relief, you're going to try and fix things, but if you're focused on connection, then you're actually not going to try and fix things. 

Alona Pulde: Yes, and I think that's actually really poignant for this too. If we're focused on relief, getting the lists out of the way, finishing the The, the tasks, the to dos, the what needs to get done, the extinguishing the fires, that is relief focused versus, and then it sacrifices the connection.

So I like that a lot. 

Matthew Lederman: So we're going to talk about micro connection. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, what do we, how do we do that? 

Matthew Lederman: Well, micro connections is the term that we use To decrease the weight of saying it's got to be this four hour, intimate, date, you know, unload hour of emotional burden from your heart. It's, it's not about that.

It's about finding moments where you can infuse heartfelt connection into your day with your partner. So looking for opportunities with strategies and space to implement those strategies. 

Alona Pulde: And I think that's a really important thing to, to remember. First, connection doesn't just happen. It re it requires intentionality, especially the beginning while you're building a habit that doesn't feel natural and the micro connections, they're [00:24:00] small, but they're meaningful.

And over time, they also have a cumulative effect. A trust and a safe space and that reinforcement of, wow, this feels really good. I definitely want to, I want more of this. And these experiences. 

Matthew Lederman: And usually those are the parts of the day that you remember. For me, I know that if I'm looking back on my day and saying, well, what did I, what did I do today that I really enjoyed?

The micro connection moments are ones that pop up on the list first. 

Alona Pulde: Those are, those are the memories that you hold on to and that still make you smile. It could be years later. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, just thinking about the hug or, I mean, I'm remembering even now I can get a memory of the time in California Venture where we were holding hands and, you know, the way I hold your hand up and close.

And walking and feeling the warmth as we were walking to the, I think it was Cars Land or whatever that's called. But I remember that very clearly. I couldn't tell you all the other things I got done or all the stuff I was thinking about in my head that I was worried about that morning. So that's the, this, the joyful memories are, these are mostly made up of these micro connections.

Alona Pulde: What do you think, what do you think prevents us from, from taking these micro connections naturally, like why isn't that a habit? 

Matthew Lederman: Well, I think a lot of, there's a few different reasons. There's this myth of the perfect moment where, you know, I think many people believe that they need this long stretch of calm to connect meaningfully, which rarely ever comes, so they just don't do it.

There's this idea, oh, we have to have this part, you know, you watch the movies and it's this romantic, you know, romantic experience that's just this full long [00:26:00] thing that just never, it's just, it just doesn't happen very often. Not that you can't make it happen, but don't wait for it. 

Alona Pulde: I think about, I think about, you know, I call my mom.

And then we talk pretty much daily, but 10 minutes. Sometimes, sometimes they're longer, but they can be five or 10 minutes. And sometimes when I think about calling friends, I'm like, oh, I have to carve out an hour and that hour just doesn't come easily. So it could be months before I talk to them again.

What I've started doing is having 20, 30 minute calls every couple of weeks. All of a sudden I'm talking to all my friends again, and it doesn't have to be this big. You know, the conversation just continues because it's so It's frequent enough that that can happen. 

Matthew Lederman: And if you, the ones where you're waiting an hour and then you never have them, eventually you feel it's been so long since you talked to them, it's too late.

And then it's, the disconnection is built up and then people think, Oh yeah, it's too late to repair. It's too late to reconnect. 

Alona Pulde: I think that is another common misconception that, yeah, it's, it's too late, where really if you put in the effort and you create this space of micro connections, it doesn't necessarily have to be too late.

Matthew Lederman: No. There's anything. 

Alona Pulde: I think there's, there's the other one that we talked about, which is confusing tasks and to do lists with connections. Where we're in that transactional state, so we may be spending time together, but we're not really connecting on any kind of, in any kind of meaningful heart space way.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, that one's a common one. And it's great, we're productive, but we're not And there's this value, at least the way I was brought up and raised and the society I was in, my art culture was productivity is what matters. Emotional closeness, not only is it not really modeled, it's not valued in the same way [00:28:00] productivity is.

So we prioritize productivity. At a high, at a significant cost though. 

Alona Pulde: I agree. I think, you know, even little things like those micro, micro connections can actually enhance productivity and just little examples. And I think part of the reason is because you build this safety and trust. With one another, so that when things are transactional, they happen willingly and not resentfully, which doesn't take up as much energy or feel as weighted, if that makes sense.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, yeah. I think that, I mean, that's a really good point. 

Alona Pulde: And then you're even more productive because it takes, you know, it takes half the time to just say, Hey, Matt, do you mind taking the trash out? And you just do it to, why do I have to take the trash out? I took it out last, or I took it out yesterday, dah, dah, dah, dah.

You know, or I don't, whatever that is. Have I ever said that? No, but I'm just giving an example. 

Matthew Lederman: That's hypothetical, hypothetical. 

Alona Pulde: Hypothetical. 

Matthew Lederman: I always take out the trash. You do. 

Alona Pulde: Even before I have to ask. 

Matthew Lederman: With bells on and so much excitement. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. But, you know what I mean, like, asking somebody to do something when you're already feeling disconnected is, potentially harbors resentment and takes a lot longer for that to get done, or it comes at a cost later, it actually decreases productivity, not increases it.

So, micro connections help you progress that productivity. Micro connections get 

Matthew Lederman: the trash out easier. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: So, and then there's unseen distance, like a chronic condition disconnection doesn't appear overnight. It's often subtle, and it's easy to overlook until it becomes a crisis, and at that point, it's this big thing.

Alona Pulde: Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: So it's almost important. [00:30:00] After, you know, people listen to this show, for example, to go and explore where, where is there opportunities for connection? Where are these, where is there disconnection and where can I create these micro connection opportunities? 

Alona Pulde: And what's the tool to help them in, in, as they're keeping that in mind?

Matthew Lederman: So the, the connection pause, step out to step in. 

Alona Pulde: I love that. Step out to step in. 

Matthew Lederman: And this tool encourages families to take intentional moments to connect amid the chaos. These pauses are short, but they definitely help prevent long term drift and disconnection. So this, it's so essential to relationships.

This is one of the things that you and I really tend to, when we tend to it well, we're, we're thriving no matter what's happening. And when we forget to put in our micro connections or tend to them, we can feel a distance and a loneliness. And it's, and there's this sense that both of us, or at least one of us, is, is watching for this.

So one of the, the steps to using this tool would be first noticing disconnection. Paying attention to when you and your partner, or you and your kids start to, you seem disengaged, or irritable, or emotionally distant. You just, people know there's this sense of, there's a distance here, I just don't like it, and it feels Clear.

It feels a little cold. It can feel a little contracted, a little lonely. 

Alona Pulde: I think you can even start by asking yourself, how connected do I feel? And when was the last time I felt really connected to my partner or my friend or my family or my kids? 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And those are, these signs of disconnection or that connection has been a little bit neglected.

Is your way to raise this awareness. And then it's [00:32:00] next would be identifying micro moments. So look for small opportunities in your day to create connection. For example, pausing for a hug, making eye contact while. Handing something to your partners instead of just handing it to them. Take a second to make eye contact.

Alona Pulde: When you walk out, make eye contact and give them a smile. 

Matthew Lederman: Yes, even a smile. Or making a little joke during short time. But something, something that's just, it could be a matter of seconds. But that you could slip in a little bit of connection. And then there's, the next step would be naming the connection pause.

So let your family know what's happening. And say, hey, let's pause for a second. How has your day been? You know, and, and, and it's really, really helpful to, to, to do that pause. And, and name these moments. That helps normalize. These brief connections that you're taking so so call attention to it and then use sensory anchors I love this where you incorporate small gestures touch laughter a deep breath together Anytime you bring anytime you bring in more sensory Sensations to your experience Those cues create that emotional grounding.

And it can happen even during chaos, even during stress. And the more sense, sensory pieces that come into the experience, the stronger the memory is going to be, and the bigger the connection payoff is going to be. And then the last is step back into the chaos. After the pause, return to the demand. Don't tell yourself that to take micro connections, you have to stop the chaos.

Or you need to wait for the chaos to stop to be able to take micro connection. Instead, allow yourself to say, I'm going to take a minute of micro connection, and then I'm going to go right back into the fire. Very important to give yourself permission to do that. But you're going to do it [00:34:00] with renewed energy.

And a new emotional alignment that's actually going to fuel you in the chaos and you're going to be more effective in the chaos. 


[00:34:10] Commercial Break
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Matthew Lederman: This episode of We Be Parents is brought to you by We Be Calm, the child calmer designed by doctors and loved by parents. 

Alona Pulde: Struggling with bedtime routines or managing your child's anxiety?

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Matthew Lederman: So you wanna give an example? 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. I, I, the one that's coming to mind right now is. I usually get up before the family and start getting lunches and breakfasts ready in the morning and you come down a little bit later and, and have asked for that 30 second hug. And yeah. It's not, it's not something that I would naturally stop what I'm doing for to think of doing myself.

But after you requested that, I'm like, Oh, that would actually feel really great. And what is it to step out of what I'm doing for 30 seconds and then step right back in? There's, there's no more expect you're, it's satisfying that 30 seconds fills the cup. And I love it, and, and it, it only enhances because then I go back to what I'm doing, but I am light in my heart, I feel, my cup feels full, and it really, like we talked about earlier, it enhances that productivity, not take, takes away [00:36:00] from it.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, and I think being. You know, sometimes you'll say, Oh, it's not, I can't do it right now, but give me three minutes and then I'll come and get you. It's not about a demand that whenever you come up, the other person has to do it. And if they don't, there's a rejection. It's not about that. There'll be times where I'm working and I'm in this flow and to stop and give you a 30 second hug might be challenging.

There's times where you're, if you're exercising on the elliptical machine. That's probably not the time to ask you to come down and give me a hug, but there's other options. I've handed you a little note that says a loving message, or I've just looked at you and made eye contact and given you a big smile and said, Hey Alona, I just have this for you.

And I'd give you, I just smile and just take some, it takes a few seconds. I think those are the things that we're talking about. You can still make it work. within some of these other challenges. 

Alona Pulde: Oh, absolutely. You know, even something small, like, I would be making the breakfasts or the lunches and Jordan or Kylie would come down and I'd say, good morning, and my tone would be happy and whatever, but I'm looking at what I'm doing, not at them.

Versus, you know, what I've tried to be really intentional about now is when they come down the stairs to turn around and look at them. smile and say good morning in the same way, same tone, same sound, same everything, but now I'm making eye contact with them and they're seeing a smile and it makes a difference.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. I think that eye contact, I tend to make a little joke with them first thing in the morning. Whatever your connection language is, and you can try different ones, touch, we mix them together as a touch. There's a hug. There's a kiss. There's a joke. There's. And then if you stop doing, if you don't do it one morning, the kids will especially say, Hey, what's up?

You know, I used to greet them every morning and say with a big hug and kiss and I'd say, it's so good to see you. I missed you so much since last [00:38:00] night. And they'll laugh and smile and be like, dad, I was just sleeping. And but then when I wouldn't say it in the morning, they would say, dad, you didn't miss me that much last night.

And it's really just, they just. Eat that stuff. They just suck it up. And I noticed the same thing if you and I It's meaningful. It's meaningful. Yeah. And it's, and the same thing, if you and I miss our 32nd hug it, it just feels a little different that morning. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah.

Matthew Lederman: So the no skills to pro skills, I enjoy this. I particularly enjoy this 'cause it's very easy to demonstrate the no skills. . So this is the easy part of the podcast. So what would. An unskillful, just to give people, I think this one's pretty self explanatory, but if we were just going to give people a little example, what would you use?

Alona Pulde: Oh, 

Matthew Lederman: I have so many. 

Alona Pulde: So 

Matthew Lederman: this is the easy part. 

Alona Pulde: I mean, it could be what I, you know, the, the examples that I already gave, I'm busy, whether it's making dinner or whether it's making breakfast and you know, my back is to the family as I'm chopping or cooking or, and, Jordan comes in to say hello, and I say hello with my back turned to her as, as she walks through the door.

Like you're picking them up. They're walking through the door. I haven't seen them all day. I'm like, Hey girls, but my back is to them versus I take 30 seconds, maybe a minute to turn around, give them a hug and a kiss and say, Hey, nice. You know, how's your day? That doesn't take more than a few minutes. And, and it.

It makes such a big difference in how connected I feel to them, how connected they feel to me. And it brings me into my heart space from my head space, which always feels really [00:40:00] great. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And I like, I like doing that. I like just taking that time. I noticed sometimes. Now the kids don't come into the office to say when they come home from school because they're used to me being on a call and but when I'm not on a call, just try and be efficient and I have to remind myself, hey, pause for the 30 second micro connection would be great, even if I'm in the middle of something important.

So stopping to fuel, you know, to fuel up a little bit. It really makes a big difference and it's so easy to slide off and then become a habit of not doing it. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. It changes the experience. I even think about California Adventure. You know, sometimes we go to these theme parks and you pay so much money to go into the theme park and the lines are long and you're busy trying to figure out how do I make the day most productive and effective and how do I get to see the most things and in that you miss.

that you're in this really awesome, fun amusement park, you know, you see people standing in line to hug characters. You're like, why are they wasting their time on that? 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. 

Alona Pulde: Right. But it's, it's, how do you experience the day? And sometimes we get so lost in the things that we have to do. We forget to look up.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. It's trying to be efficient and optimized versus 

Alona Pulde: versus experience and be present. 

Matthew Lederman: I also like when you give me permission to say, when you say something like, Hey, instead of, you know, just are you feeling tension and then would you like a hug? It's, it's to give me permission to, to go back into my tension afterwards.

Sometimes I, I assume that if you're doing, giving me doing the micro connection. If I'm feeling tense, it's to help me not be tense. And I find it really helpful to say, Hey, I'm sensing some tension here. I'm wondering if you're feeling tense. How do you feel about getting a hug without any pressure to stop being tense?

In fact, you can be tense right after the hug. Would that feel rejuvenating to get [00:42:00] that and then go back into your tension? I find it very helpful to, to, to name that you're not trying to change the sort of unpleasant or even less than healthy or optimal experience I'm in in that moment. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. You know, you just brought a, you just brought a thought and a memory to me about, I don't know, maybe it was a week ago and I went to pick up the girls and In the morning there was some disconnection between me and you and I don't remember if the girls were involved or not, but when I went to pick them up, Jordan came up to me and I was still feeling, I think I was feeling hurt is what I was, so I was still tight about it and Jordan said, Oh, you know, I was thinking about this morning and I'm wondering if you can use a hug.

And, because I wasn't ready to let go of that hurt, but I didn't connect to that until right now when you said that, I said, I don't need a hug, Jordan. I like your hugs, but I don't need one. So I didn't want to step into that vulnerability of, oh, that would feel great because I didn't want to be, I didn't want to get vulnerable at that moment.

I wanted to hold onto that hurt. 

Matthew Lederman: So if she said something like, mom, my sense is that you're feeling tight right now. Would you enjoy a hug if you could go right back into the tightness when we're done? 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, can I give you a hug in your tightness? In your tension? 

Matthew Lederman: I'm okay with you being tense while we hug.

Alona Pulde: Yeah. 

Matthew Lederman: Or having tension while you hug. Like both can be, there's space to hug. 

Alona Pulde: My interpretation of can I give you a hug was can I help you feel better? And I didn't want to feel better at that moment, but it's interesting because I didn't connect to that until you said that and then I had that image pop up.

So yeah, I think those are the things, I think that happens regularly. 

Matthew Lederman: So micro connection. People that aren't used to it could feel like pressure to change your emotional state. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. 

Matthew Lederman: Which would 

Alona Pulde: make [00:44:00] you not want to do that. Resist. Resist. Yeah. 

Matthew Lederman: Resist. Yeah, it's good to point out. 

Alona Pulde: So what would a pro skill look like?

Matthew Lederman: Well, I think we're showing the pro skills, but pausing for a second in that chaos, saying, okay, whether it can be a check in or a hug or a glance. And whether or not it diffuses the tension or the stress or the chaos, that doesn't, that doesn't matter. It's just taking that moment to make just a little space for a 30 second micro connection, whatever that looks like to you, and then, and then go back into whatever you're doing.

Alona Pulde: And maybe that's one more step in the tool is an agreement that the micro connections are not to displace, uh, emotions or to displace experiences. It's purely a connection separate from all of that. There's no attachment to an outcome beyond. Being present and in connection. 

Matthew Lederman: I like it. 


[00:45:02] Bringing it Home
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Alona Pulde: Bringing it home.

So how do we bring this home? 

Matthew Lederman: Well, the steps of explaining it, inviting it, modeling it, and practicing it. That's, in general, that's how we fit things in. Explaining it to, to the, to the family. And saying, hey, I heard this, this cool thing on a podcast about micro connections. And I'd love to share what that's about.

Is anybody interested in hearing more? So it's just starting to explain it and, and then if they are, to explain that, hey, this is, this is just a few seconds or minutes, however long we want, where we can do something. where our hearts get to spend time with each other. 

Alona Pulde: I think modeling it is really great.

And the more that you can model it, the more that others will trust that it's, it's really just a 30 seconds or a 60 seconds or a couple of minutes. And they can dive right back [00:46:00] into whatever they were doing without additional expectations. And just, just to reiterate, because I like just bringing back to the tool so people have that to remember, the, the steps of the tool are to notice the disconnection, to identify micro moments, and that can be whatever resonates with you, to name the connection pause, even maybe come to an agreement around this connection pause has no attachment to any outcomes other than to be present in this moment with another person.

Using sensory anchors when we can, which really helps to ground and enhance an experience. And then stepping right back into whatever you were doing before. And so practicing that, practicing, practicing, practicing is really important. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, and, and practicing it in a way that the family can get creative.

Yeah. Coming up with a menu of options together. What are some ways that we can call, you know, if I said, Hey, I'm really looking for a micro connection now, here's a menu of things that, that would, I would enjoy. Can you pick one from the menu that you're willing to do with me? So I know for me, I love the 32nd hug.

I love holding, holding hands. I love the eye gazing, I love when you sit across or across on my lap and look close and touch my face. You know, you love back massage while we're doing a heart check in. I know Kylie loves doing brain dumps, where she just shares what's on her mind, all of her thoughts, feelings, worries, images, almost like an expressive writing out loud.

Jordan loves talking while she's moving, so she loves playing handball and we can throw that and that can be just a few minutes even where she's just talking about her day. Do you have other ones that you want [00:48:00] to add in? 

Alona Pulde: Kylie loves to read and I used to think that, you know, it had to be 30 minutes or 60 minutes of reading, but now she will read a, you know, a chapter that takes about five or 10 minutes.

Um, and she likes to read out loud cause this is a series that she and I have done, uh, since she began. So, you know, having those moments, Jordan. Loves to, to, she has a show that she loves to watch and she'll chat throughout the show in a way that is Connecting or right before bed. They like getting their hair done.

Can, can you do a braid for me? Can you play with my hair? Whatever that is and 

Matthew Lederman: Jordan's funny though. She doesn't like going to the movie theater because she loves talking 

Alona Pulde: During the movie. During 

Matthew Lederman: the movie. So, it's funny, when I watch a movie with Kylie, it feels more like we're together but not connecting.

When I watch a movie with Jordan, I feel like we're connecting because she's talking about the adventure, she's asking me, what do you think is going to happen, talking about, it's almost like she's in the movie. You're 

Alona Pulde: sharing the world with her, you're sharing her world with her. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. So some other ones would be, we talked about the 30 second hug, you could do a longer, like the six, six second kiss.

You can just do a long, something longer, the I see you moment where you're making intentional eye contact and you smile at your partner just while you're walking by. 

Alona Pulde: Singing a song together. 

Matthew Lederman: Singing a song. Just a, a hand squeeze. Kylie and I created this thing where we squeeze our hand a certain number of times based on a number of words and something that we like to say.

So there'll be like a, I'll say hello and then she'll say hello. So that's one squeeze for each. And then I'll say, I love you. That's three squeezes and then she'll say back, she'll do four squeezes back, which is I love you too. And then there'll be, and then there's an eight squeeze, which is I love you to the moon and back.

And then there's a two squeeze response, which is me too. And there's bye. Oh my god. There's bye and bye, which is bunsties. No, so it's really funny. We do this, but [00:50:00] it's this whole thing that we're squeezing and now we know it's one squeeze, one squeeze. Eight, you know, three, and then four, eight, and then two, and then one, and one.

But it's something that we do. It takes, now, 30 seconds to do it. But she loves it. In fact, Jordan saw me do it with Kylie, and Jordan wanted to create her own little squeeze, hand squeeze. Whole thing together. And it's just this little moment of doing that that really makes a difference. So I think, you know, silence or just rubbing someone's back for putting their, you know, your hand on their shoulder, a little bit of touch.

For me, I know that touch really helps me more than words. That's a way to really connect with me. I think with the kids, we talked about that you could have a secret handshake. They love doing that too. A special funny face that you do with each other. So that can be really fast, but you've created the funny face together and it brings you back to the time where you created the face and then it triggers.

That memory and that neural network 

Alona Pulde: and that proximity that physical connection is important But you can also do it without that physical connection a little note in their lunchbox They have a whiteboard in their room putting a note up there for them to wake up to little things like that that Just remind them you're thinking about them and invite that connection.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, they love that. The notes in the bag, the notes on the dry erase board they can wake up to. You can gamify it with like the one word, one word check in or five word check in. So tell me about your day or what was the best part of your day in one word or five words or whatever. So you just sort of gamify it for the whole family.

You can do a group hug before leaving the house together. You know, so there's all sorts of, you know, just different things that you can think of whether you're alone or with each other. So, Alona, knowing that we give all, we gave this mod, and you mod all these different things, and you give them a menu, and you practice these things, just making it a [00:52:00] habit.

It really starts to become the culture of the, within the family household. 

Alona Pulde: Yes, absolutely. 


[00:52:07] One Last Thing
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Matthew Lederman: Do you want to tell us what the one last thing is? 

Alona Pulde: The one last thing for me today is that connection doesn't require a perfect moment. It only needs a pause, a glance, a touch, a word. These small acts, that is what matters over time and, and repeated over time.

That's what holds. 

Matthew Lederman: Perfect. Well, thank you everybody for listening. Please let us know how you're making time for connection in your family. 

Alona Pulde: Your experiences and feedback are invaluable to us. 

Matthew Lederman: Please email us at parents at webetogether. com with your own cheers and tears as well as any questions or stories you'd like to share.

Alona Pulde: Thanks again for joining us today and we look forward to connecting with you next time.