Ep. 21 - Micro Connections at work - How You Can Strengthen Relationship in Everyday Moments

In this episode of webe Parents, Dr. Alona Pulde and Dr. Matthew Lederman explore the transformative impact of micro connections—the small but powerful moments of connection that can strengthen relationships amid the chaos of everyday life. Learn practical strategies for building emotional closeness with your partner, children, and family without waiting for the "perfect" moment. Hear real-life success stories and actionable tools, including The Connection Pause, that make deep connection possible—even in the busiest of schedules.

🗣 "Connection isn't a luxury—it’s a lifeline." – Dr. Alona Pulde
💙 "Think of it like a bank account. You're making small deposits throughout the day—so you don’t run into emotional debt." – Dr. Matthew Lederman
😂 "Humor is a game-changer. Making a joke at dinner instead of stressing? It completely shifts the mood."
🕰 "No time? Even a 5-second hug can transform your day."

Listen now and start making deposits into your "connection bank account" today! 🎧💙 #WeBeParents #MicroConnections #RelationshipGoals

To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Transcript

microConnections-letters
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[00:00:00] 

Alona Pulde: Hello and welcome to We Be Parents, where we explore the joys and challenges of parenting and help families grow closer together. I'm Dr. Alana Polday. 

Matthew Lederman: And I'm Dr. Matthew Lederman. 

Alona Pulde: And Last time, in our last episode, we talked about how micro connections can help families step out of chaos to connect, even in our busiest moments.

Matthew Lederman: Yes, and I know all about busy moments. We have probably the hardest thing for us, the thing that we spend the most energy tending to in our relationship, is not letting the busyness The need for productivity or relief from different challenges, whether it's health challenges or drama and all sorts of things is to carve out protected time for connection, but not the big, you know, weekend date or getaway, but these little what we call micro connections, these little moments of time.

Where you can be together. So, 

Alona Pulde: and this can be especially challenging for parents because there's so many, so many of us put so much effort and time and commitment into our relationship with our kids, whether that's And dealing with school dramas or dealing with health issues or supporting extracurricular activities like sports or drama.

And especially if the kids are really into those, they can really be time consuming. And that time comes at the cost of the, the partner connection, the adult connections. And so. [00:02:00] And one of the things that, that we really explored last time was how remembering to connect with your partner doesn't have to be long and elaborate.

It can be these small moments in the course of every day that are super meaningful and that can amass over time. You're building almost like an equity. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, it really is like a bank account where you're saving a little bit of money. All throughout the day, you're in, you're making deposits all throughout the day into that connection bank account versus waiting for that time to come where you have this huge amount of money to deposit or this, it's.

It's so important and it's so impactful and it's the way to navigate when life is chaotic versus waiting for the kids to move out. And that's when you become 

Alona Pulde: focused. 

Matthew Lederman: The idea is 

Alona Pulde: not either or, it's both and. I will tend to my kids and I will devote time and energy to their challenges and passions.

And I will find the time, even these small micro connections with my partner so that that relationship is tended to as well. And I think the micro connections make that possible so that you don't sacrifice one for the other. 

Matthew Lederman: And it gives people strategies that they can tend to. steps. So especially for relationships that have let the connection go a little bit more and it just hard to imagine.

An intimate, long weekend, or even just hard to figure out where you're gonna, how you're gonna do that with a bunch of kids and stresses and jobs and all that other stuff. 

Alona Pulde: Soccer practice and drama school and shows and auditions and 

Matthew Lederman: Where there's a lot of [00:04:00] guilt if you miss the practice or don't go to the show or a lot of pressure to have your kids excel and, and you, and you don't have time.

So it says, Hey, don't take time away from those important events to do something. Like, connect with your partner and family. You'll do that later when there is time. And with micro connections, you don't have to wait. So, what we're gonna talk about today, we can hear some of the headlines and heartlines and letters from our listeners in response to the, the show, and just general questions we get that we think fall into this category nicely.

But before we jump into that stuff, please don't forget to subscribe and stay connected with us. It really helps us. Help other people and get the word out and let's, let's work together and grow together. So thank you for your support there. So Ilona, what headlines and heartlines do you want to start with?

Or actually maybe we should, we should remind everybody of the tool. That we did, because I know you really liked that tool. Do you want to just real quick do a high level? 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, so the tool was the connection pause, and I liked the stepping out to step in, and it really encourages families to take intentional moments to connect amidst the chaos.

Not when it's, when the chaos is done, because really in parenthood and, and in life in general, there's always a to do list. Chaos ensues. So the steps to use the tool, the first one is notice disconnection. Ask yourself, when was the last time I felt really connected to my partner, to my kids, to my family, to my friends?

And if you don't remember or it was too long ago, that's an indication that this area in your life is not tended to or can use more tending to. Identify [00:06:00] micro moments. Look for the small opportunities in your day that allow for connection. And this could be a 30 second hug, eye contact, and a smile when you say good morning or good night.

Joke, handholding a five minute back rub, whatever that, that might be, a walk around the block together. Name the connection. Pause. Let your family know what's happening. Let's pause for a second. Let's pause for 30 seconds. Let's pause for 5 minutes. So that you're both on the same page. Whenever possible, using sensory anchors.

So you want to use sound, touch, smell. site to really help ground that emotional experience. And, and that can happen during a stressful day. And it's meaningful when it does happen during a stressful day. That can be that 30 second hug or laughing together over a funny experience or a memory or a joke, taking five deep.

Breaths together, singing a song, and so on and so forth. Everybody kind of has to find their thing. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. We even, the kids love when you pick an old picture and tell them about the memory around that picture. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: So it just takes them a minute or two and it's really an easy. 

Alona Pulde: Yes, or they're, they'll always ask us, tell me a funny memory you have of me, tell me a funny story of when I was a kid.

But yes, and then the, the last important piece is permission to step back into the chaos. So that these. Little micro connections are not attached to any kind of outcome. They are about being present in and connected in the moment. But if you're in a tense situation or you're feeling tension or you've got a lot of work to do, the permission is to step right back into whatever it was you were doing before.

Not [00:08:00] an expectation to change that in any way. 

Matthew Lederman: Think of it like you're pausing the the movie of your life to do a micro connection, and then you just hit play again. You're not trying to change the second part of the movie. You're just pausing it for the micro connection, and then you're continuing where it left off.

You can choose to change it and it may have an impact, but the intention of the micro connection is not to change the movie. 

Alona Pulde: Yes.

So what are some, what are some headlines and heartlines? 

Matthew Lederman: Let's start with some success stories that were fun to read. One was about a mom who found that pausing for a five second hug, so not even the thirty second hug, that we talked about, each morning transformed her chaotic mornings into calmer, more connected moments.

What I liked about that, When I read that was that just five seconds made a difference. 

Alona Pulde: I love that too. I love that it and it's also a reminder that taking those five seconds often, because we feel more connected, because we feel more open and expansive, we actually are in a more creative. Productive and effective space.

And so the ironic thing is that, you know, we work to be productive, to be efficient, to be effective, and we sacrifice connection. The reality is that through connection, we become even more productive, efficient, and effective. 

Matthew Lederman: Exactly. And I love how we're always telling our clients to figure out how to make this work for them.

We're giving you something to try and then you mold it so that it fits into your life. And what I liked about this was how the mom said, You know what, 30 seconds is not, I want to just do 5 seconds. And I like how she said, I'm going to try it and see how it works. And then she saw the benefits of doing something like that.

But she figured out a way to make it work for her. [00:10:00] And to me, That's the key. 

Alona Pulde: Agree. Love it. 

Matthew Lederman: Another story was around how important humor was, and this couple was saying how really being intentional to use humor to try and lighten the mood during stressful dinner time was very strengthening to their bond.

It helped the couple navigate it. And it helped the whole family regulate a little bit more, and how the parents show up will affect how the kids show up. And your, your mood, your nervous system level of stress is going to affect, it's, it's like all, almost like one nervous system, where the kids and the parent, everybody's nervous system is interconnected.

So using humor, I love narrating, almost like you're stepping out mindfully and talking about what's happening in the moment. It's helpful because that not only creates a little distance between you and the stressful moment, it's also like I'm, I'm almost talking to myself and I tend to be more mindful and show up differently.

So making jokes, talking out loud, being silly out loud, you know, I've, I've heard you make jokes about, you know, during dinnertime when it's a little stressful and you'll say order number seven, six, five is ready, you know, and you'll joke like you're a short order, order chef. And it's just a way that the kids sort of, it just diffuses some of the tension that would otherwise be there.

Alona Pulde: Yeah, I don't think they say laughter is the best medicine for nothing. I think it's really important, I think, when you can diffuse a situation or when you can invoke humor and lighten a mood. It reminds us also not to take life so seriously. Sometimes we get caught up in the weeds and we think this is the moment that's going to stay with us forever.

But they're not to date. Has there ever been a moment, regardless of how [00:12:00] wonderful or devastating it was, that has defined, has, has been the lasting moment? 

Matthew Lederman: Yes, I have yet to find a moment that stayed with me forever. Exactly. Pleasant or unpleasant. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. So where we can and when we can remember. to invoke humor and lighten the load.

I think that's a really great opportunity for micro connection. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, I love it. Here was one from a, a dad who I, what I liked about this was the dad had this self awareness. There was an openness. You don't even have to have it all figured out, but just be open that maybe you could do something differently.

So this dad said that he struggled to notice disconnection until his partner pointed out the distance. So a lot of people, it's not that they are okay with it, They're not even aware of it. They don't notice it. But if you bring it up, especially with love and care instead of blame, and don't, in this way you don't stimulate shame and offensiveness in the other person, maybe they'll be able to recognize something they didn't notice before.

Alona Pulde: Yeah, and I think we don't notice how insidious it is. It kind of creeps in and the less tending that you do, the more that becomes kind of the neuropathway. You get used to. Not, not tending to this, this relationship in a certain way. And then it's almost like a muscle that we've, we, we forget how to, it atrophies.

And, and so I think that that's. It's great that the dad had enough vulnerability to acknowledge that that was, that even went unnoticed, you know, so I imagine there can be a lot of people who have shame and embarrassment around that and wouldn't even bring it up or, or it would be something that ended up.

Result resulting in conflict rather than connection. [00:14:00] And I think another thing, and we talked about that last time as well, is that, you know, I look at this disconnection over time kind of like chronic disease. You don't get that heart attack. It doesn't come out of nowhere. And the diabetes doesn't come out of nowhere.

Heart disease builds over many, many years of neglecting our health, as does diabetes. And this is the same thing. That disconnection builds over years and years of not tending to a relationship. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And there's no point where you said we were connected and all of a sudden we were disconnected. Yes. You can't look back and identify that moment any more than you can look back and decide what, you know, when you became an alcoholic.

You just, you just, all of a sudden you decided, you kept thinking, oh, this is just how I drink, this is just how I do things. And then someone said, hey, maybe you should drink less and you tried and you couldn't. 

Alona Pulde: It's not a problem until it's a problem. 

Matthew Lederman: And you don't realize it's a problem until you try to do it differently.

So for people who are All of a sudden saying, wait a second, I want more warmth and connection and intimacy. And then you're, you look up and you're like, I'm not sure how to do that. I don't know if my partner even wants that. And then there's judgment and blame. Oh, my partner isn't doing it. My partner's not showing up the way I want versus, Hey, we all got ourselves here, but the good news is we can all get ourselves to a new destination if we want to go there as well.

Alona Pulde: I like that. So. You know, one other thing that I was going to say is it's very easy, especially in, in parenthood to, because we parents spend time together, but that togetherness isn't. Always connected. Sometimes it's so transactional. It's about getting things done, not about actually being [00:16:00] present in an experience together.

And I think that can ha, we can fall into that pattern so easily in parenthood and convince ourselves, Oh, but we are connected. We, you know, we spend a tremendous amount of time together. 

Matthew Lederman: That's, it's that. idea that, oh, if we're together, we're connected and they're, they're not the same. And it's to be in that felt heart space, that intimate, warm, connected, loving heart space, and be with the other person's heart is very different than being with them intellectually.

Both have value, but I think we don't give enough attention to the importance of that heart space connection as well. 

Alona Pulde: I agree. I think it's, it's that whole notion of we can, you can share space together without sharing an experience together. And it's about sharing that experience together that enhances the relationship.

Matthew Lederman: Yes, and that is why when I would sit on the feeling couch and say, Hey, here's what I'm experiencing inside. I don't know what it means. I don't know how to fix it. But here are my sensations. Here are some images I'm getting. And I would share that experience with you, where I was in the present moment, that that contributed to you.

Which is different than saying, here's what I need, or here's what we should do, or here's the problem, which is more an intellectual understanding. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, you gave a, a great analogy that when you described in the last episode, watching a movie with Kylie versus watching a movie with Jordan. Watching a movie with Kylie or sitting next to Kylie and sharing that space without.

Really sharing that experience, because you're both kind of absorbed in the movie and there's no talking, no nothing. Watching a movie with Jordan is, [00:18:00] she's constantly narrating, dialoguing, giving her opinion, sharing her experience of the movie with you, and you feel like, oh, we're in this, we're on this ride together.

Matthew Lederman: Very, it's very noticeably different. And it's not that one way is right or wrong, it's that I know that with Kylie, if I want to connect with her, for example, it won't be a movie. Now, we still watch movies together, but that's not to meet my need for connection. That might meet my need for togetherness.

Adventure. We might talk about the movie afterwards, but with Kylie, I meet my need for connection. We'll stretch together. She wants to be all right now. She wants to be able to do splits and straddles. So we stretch together every night and we're talking through that 

Alona Pulde: or she loves to read or she loves to play games or yeah.

Matthew Lederman: So you're finding it's not that there's one size fits all, but finding what type of micro connection experience actually meets the need for connection for the boat, the two of you in that relationship. Yeah. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, I love that, and I think it naturally lends itself to the next heartline, which was a parent tried micro connections with their teenager but was met with resistance, and that opened up conversations on emotional availability.

I think I think it's important, what you just talked about is also important, kinda gauging who you're connecting with. The way to connect with Jordan is not necessarily the way that Kylie enjoys connection. And so, also Recognizing there's so many different ways. Now, maybe the teenager is not per se emotionally available for dialogue, but they might really enjoy touch, a hug you know, they might enjoy a joke, laughing together, or exper having a, a different s [00:20:00] sort of experience, going and playing pickleball together, or taking a walk something along those lines.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. I like that.

Well, good. I think it comes down to the importance of consistency, emotional awareness, and vulnerability in sustaining micro connections. Making sure, and it doesn't have to be long, that's the key, finding time to squeeze those in to make another deposit. Into the connection bank. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, I love that you said consistency because I think doing it regularly is super important the emotional awareness around one prioritizing it to knowing who you're connecting with and what that connect how to enhance that individual connection and then Allowing and and inviting that vulnerability which I think is always Enhancing in connections 

Matthew Lederman: yeah, you and I change some things around so that we could take our set.

When the kids do their theater school, we now take that time for you and me to connect or we have that weekly or we walk to the grove and go see a movie and talk. And I think it's for you and me. It's finding those times. Where we get to connect with, and for you, we like to be active and those could be bigger moments of connection, but we really make sure we plan those in and then everything else has to fit around that before we were tending to micro connections, we would plan our week and then at the end of the, almost trying to fit in our connection time.

So we really turned it upside down and said that first comes the connection time and we fit everything else in. And then throughout the day, I found that what helps me with micro connections. Is just having a menu of things that I can choose from. And if I know what to do, that's half the [00:22:00] battle of squeezing one in.

How hard is it to stop and smile at you or just to send you a little note or give you a 32nd hug? 

ignore: Mm hmm. 

Matthew Lederman: So once you're clear, a lot of families, I think, one or both of the partners just don't know what to do to meet the need. They don't have a clear strategy. And if they just get a menu of strategies to pick from, they, when they're ready to do it, to meet the need for action, they just look at the menu and pick something.

Alona Pulde: Mm hmm. I like that. Ease is always great, especially in the beginning, when, you know, it just really lightens that, that load, just knowing what you can do. 

Matthew Lederman: Let's go to some letters from listeners. 

Alona Pulde: Okay, here's one. I'm always too tired to connect at the end of the day. How can I build moments of connection when I have no energy left?

I love that question and, and partly because so resonates. So many of us by the end of the day just feel exhausted. We don't have more energy, more effort. We don't want to make more effort. We want it to be easy. We want peace of mind. We want relief. rest. And that's, that's the beauty of it. One, I like your menu.

That's a great idea. If you have a menu and you don't even have to think about it. And some of those activities don't require a lot of energy. They could be sitting on the couch and just cuddling together. 

Matthew Lederman: It doesn't, you don't need a lot. It doesn't have to be big. It's just figuring out a way to open your heart.

And a lot of people aren't sure. So the, the menu, I mean, imagine going to a restaurant and not having a menu and they come and ask you, well, what, what do you want to eat? There's some level of weight to that. If they hand you a menu and say, point, or even better, if there's pictures on the menu, point to what you want to [00:24:00] eat.

All of a sudden you're like, I want that dish. It's very easy. Yeah. So come create that menu and that's connecting in and of itself is building the menu. So you and your partner figure out a menu of things, you and your kids and then the whole family. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. 

Matthew Lederman: Different strategies will work at different, for different groups and moments.

Alona Pulde: Absolutely. And I, I think of. Times were you know, actually it happened to me the other day where I was just feeling really tired and Kylie came and she really wanted to connect and she wanted to play a game. I was like, Oh, I don't really have energy to play a board game right now, but I know she loves to read aloud.

So I asked her, Oh, how about reading aloud for a bit? And she was able to do that. And I'm able to relax and just hear her reading. And this is something that is really connecting to her. Jordan loves to talk. She loves to just kind of explore and talk and, and do a brain dump on her day. Sometimes I just don't have capacity to hear it.

And. In those moments, I love to invite her for that heart to heart hug where she, you know, we're, we're giving each other a hug and we're just connecting our hearts together and we can do that for three, four or five minutes and it's super connecting and it's actually rejuvenating in moments when I feel really tired.

The girls love to sing. One of the other things that I love to do when I'm feeling tired is invite them to sing a song that I can listen to. So there's so many ways to do that, that I find, ironically, rejuvenates me, even though initially I think, oh, all I want to do is veg out to a movie. 

Matthew Lederman: And that's important to check in.

It's not about just doing what works for the kid, it's about checking in and getting creative to do something that works for you and the child, or you and your partner. I know Kylie loves to do karaoke, so you can find karaoke on YouTube on the [00:26:00] TV. And then have Kylie sing and I get to listen to her sing and all of a sudden we're connecting and it's really warm and wonderful.

But I know that that's at my fingertips if my resourcing is lower. Other times, like you said, doing a puzzle together is great, you know, and then there's times where I can't even imagine doing a puzzle.

So I love, you know, the more clear, the more ideas you have, making sure it works for you because you don't, the last thing you're going to be able to do is, is connect if you're having resentment because you're forcing yourself to do something you think you should do or something you truly want to do.

Alona Pulde: I think that's really important where you're, it, it, you want it to be. Willful and something that you're enjoying doing. 

Matthew Lederman: So another letter was about a family, very athletic, lots of, playing a lot of competitive sports. And the dad wanted to have some connection time with the whole family. And the mom and the kids were very into their sports, competitively.

And there was a sense of guilt among the whole family about missing practices because, hey, we're gonna, you know, we're gonna be competitive, we're gonna go and become national team top contenders, and, and if you miss a practice, you, you're a terrible parent, and And you should feel guilty and ashamed. 

Alona Pulde: If it's not serious and 

Matthew Lederman: shouldn't be considered.

Alona Pulde: Yeah. 

Matthew Lederman: So it was how do I deal with that guilt and shame and worry when I want to and what I like about that was becoming aware of your need to connect [00:28:00] even if you're not sure how to navigate it and don't just, you know, there's a need for accomplishment and the kids being successful in these sports and And enjoyment in the sports.

But there's also noticing, Hey, but my need for connection is not being met. The challenge is sometimes people think there's a conflict between the needs, but there's really a conflict between the strategies, not the needs. You can meet your needs for connection and to be successful and accomplished and skilled and, and, and have integrity around your practice and for your team.

So to me, it's about checking in and saying first, Hey. We don't have to decide whether we're going to do practice or not, but can we just take a little time to hear my need for connection with the whole family now, even if we decide to continue with the practice? So we don't want it to come across like our need for connection is going to make them have to change doing something that's important to them.

And I think once you make the space clear that I just want to connect around this versus make a decision, then you can move into, do you care about connection to, yes, I care about connection to, we all care about connection. We all want to make sure we're successful in sport. Is there a way we can meet both of these needs?

How can we also reassure the coach that we really take this seriously and, and the team matters as well. And then we get creative. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. And I think, I think this brings up another thing for me, which is when our kids are, you know, our kids are not as into sports, but they're definitely into theater and now they're in, in the master's program and they want to.

They're thinking that they want to do this professionally, they want to start going on auditions and all that, and it seems so big to them. Equivalently to when we get caught up in our work and it just feels so big and so important. I must get this [00:30:00] done right now. And sometimes what happens is we lose perspective on the bigger picture.

You know, for missing one Theater class isn't going to topple their career.

Missing opportunities, but consistently sacrificing opportunities for connection? It comes at a great, an equal cost over time. And so I love the both and. I love your approach, which is, hey, this is important and this is important. And how do we hold and make space for both, not one or the other? 

Matthew Lederman: And usually when it gets To that point where you're where you think we have to have a practice.

We have to have a connection experience this weekend and and you feel almost authoritarian about it. That's a sign that your connection. Reservoir has been depleted and likely been getting depleted for a period of time. The need, you have such a great need that it feels almost emergent to where you create these rigid rules and demands of yourself and the family.

So that's a sign to almost mourn a little bit. Do a little self empathy. Oh, we let connection get out of hand here. And we're not meeting that need. That doesn't mean we have to drop everything this weekend. It's possible, and maybe that works for the family and the coach, and maybe it doesn't. But either way, I want to start tending to the connection bank a little bit more.

I want to make more deposits. So this is an opportunity when I feel that urgency to miss, to shut off everything this weekend and we're not doing practice, to instead say, regardless of what we do this weekend, how can I infuse micro connection moments into the days with me and my partner and my kids more.

Alona Pulde: Yeah, I love that point. I think it's very important [00:32:00] to remember. This is another one that I think steps into what you just said, where we start feeling the urgency for something that has not been tended to for so long. And, and the letter was, the, the summary of it is, I'm afraid it's too late to rebuild connection after years of neglect.

What can I do? And I think that does happen. Whether it's kind of what you described before the dad that doesn't even realize it until it's brought to his attention and it's in such. deficit. The need is so great that it becomes urgent and needs to be remedied immediately or else the consequences dire.

And that feels sometimes like a hopeless place to be. You can't quite see how do I get out of this? How do I dig myself out of this hole? 

Matthew Lederman: And that, to me, is a time for scary honesty. And it's scary because you have to be willing to allow it to go wherever it winds up going. The relationship could ultimately heal and reconnect and repair, but the relationship It could, it could move in a different direction and the strategy of being married no longer meets enough needs to continue on that path.

But regardless, pausing and sharing what's true for you, what's alive in your heart, not with blame for the other person, which is often when connections not met in a relationship, they show up with blame for the other person. But not with, not with blame. But instead, with a compassion and a sincere desire to just share the longing, to share your loneliness and sadness at the need for connection not being met, again, not with blame.

But just because you want to [00:34:00] open up your heart to let the other person know where you're at. And if you can do that and then make it a safe space for the other person to open up their heart, that will help you determine, Hey, can it, can the repair take, can there reconnect or Hey, maybe we, we can, but we can at least move on as, as friends or, or connected.

So be let, even though it's a little scary to do this. Be less worried about what's going to happen to the relationship, be more worried about how you show up in this moment once you've realized this. 

Alona Pulde: I think the important piece of that is the authenticity and the option for joy and satisfaction in life.

Not being attached to what that outcome is. Am I together with this person or not, no longer together with this person. But that notion of I'm going to, I'm going to sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist and live in this artificial harmony is so dissatisfying. And that's a question for, you know, for each individual at the end of the day, is that how you want to live your life in that artificial state of dissatisfaction.

Or is it worth saying, Hey, I need to find out. It might not be too late. I'm afraid it's too late, but maybe it's not. Hopefully it's not. 

Matthew Lederman: Or I'm afraid I've, I don't think it's too late, but I don't know what to do. And then how do I get help? How do I get help repairing connection and then learning what to do to start making deposits into that connection bank?

It's essential. And you and I, we have a coach that we work with that has a mentor of mine, a non violent communication mentor of mine, and her name is Alia, and she has been so helpful that you and I know what to [00:36:00] do, but sometimes we'll just talk with her for an hour, and it's so nice Having somebody else support that connection energy in that moment.

And, and it's really helpful to get support, too. Particularly not with people that are going to tell you, here's what you got to do, or here's some advice, or here's what you got to fix. Or they start figuring out what's, diagnosing what's wrong with the other person, or you, even worse. But then, that's, that's not going to be helpful.

So just surrounding yourself with this intention to connect, and people that can support. Empathic connection versus this sort of fix it advice telling you what to do, telling you what's wrong energy. 

Alona Pulde: And the interesting thing is, cause I know you do that with couples as well. It's one of your passions is working with parents and couples in repairing and building and enhancing connection.

And I won't say that you don't give advice or even that Aaliyah doesn't give advice. When we're needing some additional support, but that the advice comes in encouraging. Us to find the answers by giving us a space where we feel expansive enough to open up our strategies. You know, a lot of times what happens in, in partnerships is that we get locked in habitual responses.

We get locked in strategies. This is the only way it's going to work is if you do this and if I do that, but the. Options are endless as far as how you can show up and how I can show up to try and meet unmet needs. The challenge is, can we both get to a space where we're expansive enough to explore those strategies?

And I think that's the support that you provide for, for people that you [00:38:00] work with and that Aaliyah provides to us. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, because then you don't have to hold all that yourself. 

Alona Pulde: Mm hmm. 

Matthew Lederman: I love it. 

Alona Pulde: And then, you know, again, just mentioning the tool, the, the connection pause is the first step, I think, in, in trying to repair connection, which is again, noticing the disconnection, identifying moments of micro connections.

Naming the connection pause so that people, whoever you're with, is aware of what's happening and how much time, even the, what expected time frame you're talking about, using sensory anchors whenever possible, and then permission, allowing permission to step back into the chaos after the micro connection.

I just wanted to remind people of the steps because I think that's important. 

Matthew Lederman: Very, very helpful. Just have that container that you can go through. to help guide you when this is not something that is a habitual practice yet. All right, let's end with one last thing. 

Alona Pulde: One last thing. I think, for me, in this moment, the one last thing is that connection isn't a luxury.

It really is a lifeline. It's super important to tend to on a regular basis, and especially in the middle of chaos. It's connection that gives us the strength to carry on. 

Matthew Lederman: Yes. And even micro connection gives us the strength to carry on. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: Well, thank you everybody for listening. It's always a pleasure.

I love connecting with you, Alona, doing these podcasts. It's, it meets us. I love 

Alona Pulde: micro connecting with you. Yeah, 

Matthew Lederman: we get to connect doing these. This is always a fun part of the week. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: So everybody, please. Please rate and review the podcast. We really appreciate your support. We'd love for you to [00:40:00] email us with any of your connection stories or questions.

It's just really fueling for us to hear how the listeners are doing. You can email us at parents at we be together. com. Thank you again for your time. 

Alona Pulde: Thank you everyone.