EP. 27 - When Parenting Becomes Your Identity - Letters from our listeners

Ever feel like you're more than just a soccer mom or the homework helper? 😅 In this episode, Drs. Alona Pulde & Matthew Lederman dive deep into the subtle (and often sneaky) ways we lose ourselves in our kids’ lives.

💡 Real stories from parents like: ✨ Lisa, the dance mom who found herself (and a new photography biz) after her daughter left for college.

🏈 Mark, the football dad who reconnected with his son beyond the game.

🧠 A dad who realized his academic pressure was turning love into stress.

🛠️ Learn the Triple A Tool – Awareness, Adjustments & Anchors – to reclaim your identity without losing your connection to your kids.

👂 If you've ever wondered, "Who am I outside of parenting?" – this one’s for you.

To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Transcript

Episode 27 when parenting becomes your identity_Headlines & Heartlines And Letters from Listeners-esv2-0p-bg-0p

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[00:00:00] 

Alona Pulde: Welcome to Weeby parents, where we explore the joys and challenges of parenting and help families grow closer together. Hi, I am Dr. Alona Poe. 

Matthew Lederman: And hi, I am Dr. Matthew Letterman. Hi. 

Alona Pulde: In our last episode, we talked about what happens when we as parents become so wrapped up in our child's activities that we lose sight of our own identity.

Today we're taking that conversation even deeper, sharing real stories from parents who've experienced this firsthand in answering some questions from our listeners. 

Matthew Lederman: Before we get started, don't forget to subscribe. We tackle real everyday parenting struggles every week, and we'd love you to be part of the wee Be community.

If I subscribing, you won't miss an episode and trust us, you'll want to be here for the next one. [00:01:00] 

Alona Pulde: All right, so, um, I'd love to start by just summarizing what we talked about in the last episode. Uh, specifically how easy it is to slip from supportive parent to over-identified parent, and I have been there.

I shared how my own love for musical theater, um, exposed the girls to musical theater. But beyond that, my desire to. Almost live vicariously through them. If I'm gonna own that, uh, authentically and vulnerably more than encourage them. To, to go, you know, really kind of put that as an option against options that I knew would not excite them.

Um, and you know, now they're finding their own love of it and for it and [00:02:00] passion to continue. But there definitely was enmeshment there for a good portion of the beginning of that. Discovery. 

Matthew Lederman: And just to clarify, enmeshment is, is what we're calling that over-identifying with the child or being sort of tangled or blended with them versus Yes.

That healthy differentiation where you have your own identity and they have theirs. And there can be some support and connection and encouragement, but not living through them. 

Alona Pulde: Yes, 

Matthew Lederman: and I think some people live through their children when their children are doing things they couldn't do or their children are doing things now that the parents would, I.

Love to be doing, but feel as if they can't. So it's not, it's always coming from good intentions or often it's coming from good intentions. Yes. They want, they think the children are gonna succeed better if they go to this better school. So they're pushing the, so it's always coming, trying to meet a need, but sometimes it has or often can have.[00:03:00] 

Uh, some unhealthy, uh, impact or consequences. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, and I think sometimes that comes also from how we have been taught to identify ourselves and then, uh, how we, I. Think that we think that that's the only way our children can identify themselves. Like, you know, my parents immigrated to this country and, uh, they did not have all the opportunities that were afforded to me living.

Here in America. And so for my father, it was really important that we, our education is front and center and super prioritized, and I. He definitely encouraged us to be those straight A students and to pursue the careers of status. [00:04:00] Being a lawyer, being a doctor, being, you know, a, a artist or a theater actress was just not on the table.

You don't, you know, that's not. That's not gonna work. And, and so there was a part of me when we had the girls that. Had that so ingrained that type a personality, the, but they, they need to be academically inclined and I want them to academically strive. That's the only way versus there are a lot of other ways.

And if I step away and let them experience their. Own journey to some degree and let them find their own passions and their own path with guidance. Right? They're not left alone to just figure it out, but with some guidance, but without an attachment to what that outcome needs to be. [00:05:00] 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, and it makes sense.

Your, your dad, if I remember correctly. Was on the trajectory for those careers, but due to some life circumstances that was taken away from him. 

Alona Pulde: Mm-hmm. 

Matthew Lederman: And he didn't want to have that happen to you. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: So sometimes it comes from a, a fear place where they just are trying to protect the child, but it still has, uh, an impact and a pot and a consequence.

Alona Pulde: Absolutely. And I think that's a really great point. And, and you made, you made it before. It's, I think it always comes from good intentions. We love our kids, we want them to succeed, we want them to thrive, but sometimes the way we want them to thrive is through our own eyes and we're not seeing it through theirs.

Yeah. Um, and that was the tool that we. Introduced, which was the Triple A approach, awareness, adjustments, and [00:06:00] anchors as a way to step back and reclaim our own identity while still being supportive and engaged. Parents. I. And today we're gonna share some real life stories of parents navigating this struggle, some successes, some challenges, and ways to break free from that enmeshment trap.

Matthew Lederman: Now, do we wanna give listeners a little summary of the AAA approach, or do we wanna make them go back and listen to, 

Alona Pulde: do you wanna give them just a quick summary of what that is? 

Matthew Lederman: I don't do anything quickly. Um, from a high level though, awareness, recognizing when you're too enmeshed. And then there's sign, we could talk about signs for that.

There's adjusting and shifting, um, of, of sort of how you show up and how you think of yourself and how you relate. And then there's the anchors of. Personal for yourself and how, you know, making sure you create your own [00:07:00] identity and, uh, anchors, relationship anchors around, um, with friends and partners that don't have anything to do with your children.

And then future anchors where you make sure that your future can be very full and robust, even it has nothing to do with your children. So that awareness sort of shifting and adjust, the adjustments of shifting, shifting and then anchors that really keep you s solidly attached to joy that is independent from your children.

Alona Pulde: Oh, I thought you did a very nice job summarizing. All right, 

Matthew Lederman: go me. Go. Me. I tend to, I tend to always add more instead of less, so that was good. 

Alona Pulde: All right, so let's share our first success story, which is about Lisa, who had been a competitive dance mom for years. Every costume, every rehearsal, every routine, she was all in.

But when her daughter went to college and stopped dancing competitively, Lisa [00:08:00] didn't know what to do with herself. After months of feeling lost, she decided to revisit an old passion photography. She started taking classes, rediscovered her creative side, and even launched a small business. Now, instead of just capturing her daughter's performances, she's finding joy in her own artistry and journey.

And I love that story. What I love about it is that it highlights one, it's never too late, and even if you have been lost in your children's identity there, that's not a permanent thing. 

Matthew Lederman: She found a way to redirect her energy into something that really fulfilled her. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. And for, for Lisa, it was something that she, um, reacquainted herself with.

But even for people who are starting from scratch, kind of what do I like, what don't I like, is the. [00:09:00] Excitement of dabbling and exploring and the, the, so many opportunities that are available and you just kind of have to pick. But if we have that expansive mind frame, you know, thinking, okay, I, this is my opportunity to play in the sandbox and see what I like, versus the panic of, ooh, what do I do now that I have to deal with myself?

Yep. Is a very different approach. Exactly. And 

Matthew Lederman: that's exactly what we mean by building personal anchors. 

Alona Pulde: Mm-hmm. Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: So great. I love that story. And then here's another one about, um, mark, who has always been the football dad, I. Every Friday night, he was on the sidelines. Every game day felt like a personal mission.

When his son decided not to play in college, mark felt crushed, almost like he had lost his purpose. And after reflecting, he realized that this [00:10:00] relationship with his son had become too centered on football. So he made an effort to reconnect, uh, in new ways, going on weekend hikes, playing chess, and talking about things beyond sports.

So the relationship deepened as a result, and Mark found fulfillment in simply being a dad rather than a coach or cheerleader. This is such a great example of how we can redefine our relationships with our kids beyond their activities. And sometimes it just takes a shift in focus to realize that parenting isn't about what they do, it's about who they are.

And, and to me, looking at this instead of through a critical lens of, oh, I'm enmeshed with my child and I have to stop doing this instead, think about. All the different ways that you're gonna get to learn how to connect with your child and, and connect not only, and connect with yourself around what brings you joy.

And then you can still, it's not like you can't talk to your child. We're not saying you have to stop, but shift it to a healthy, differentiated type of [00:11:00] connection versus an enmeshed connection. 

Alona Pulde: I, I like this story so much as well. Um. Just seeing all the different opportunities that he found to connect to his son, um, and then how enriching that ended up being.

So I, I love that. Um, here's one that is, uh, uh, challenge story. And this is the pressures on a child, um, a father of a high school. Star student shared this. I just realized how much pressure I've been putting on my son. He told me last week that he feels like if he failed, he's letting me down. I never meant to make him feel that way, but I think I've been living through his success more than I realized.

I love the self-awareness of this father and the vulnerability to share [00:12:00] the. Pressure that he has put on his son as well as the, uh, accountability that he's lived through those, he's living through the successes more than he realized. And I think I. That happens a lot with parents, especially when they're, when their children are shining in their pursuits.

So you have the star soccer student and the proud parents of, uh, of that MVP or you know, the gifted, a student heading to an Ivy League and what that means for your own status. Um, and. The, the danger is, and, and what I love, you know, even though this is a challenge story, I think there's a huge success in the father's ability to be accountable and aware.

That's the [00:13:00] beginning of our tool, right, is the awareness of his enmeshment with his child. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, I like that. And it's interesting. I, if anything went to the other extreme of. Not again, 'cause everything we're talking about is balance. I went to the extreme of not putting any type of pressure and I think that can be harmful as well as, as much as putting too much pressure.

'cause I grew up and for me there was a lot of emphasis on getting good grades and doing well in school. And not only was it said to us that grades are important, but I got a lot of positive reinforcement when I got, when I come home with good grades or I was, uh, celebrated as one of the smart children, or I was, um, just, just acknowledged and got more attention from my parents when I did well in school.

So for many reasons it was, it was quote unquote pushed on me [00:14:00] both, uh, directly and indirectly. And, uh, a certain point in my life I realized that that's not what makes me happy. Even though I know, I know. It took me well into college to pick my head up and say, wait a second. Why am I doing this? What, what, what need is This meeting of mine, I was just getting good grades 'cause I got reinforced.

That's what I thought I would do what I was supposed to do. So now with my kids, I tried. To not put any pressure on them around, and thank God they had you, or I don't know if they'd still be in grade school. They might, they might be out on outta school altogether. But the, the idea is, is to find that balance and my wounding resulted in me showing up in a certain way.

And there's so many different ways we can show up as parents as a result of our wounding. The key is not to try and suppress that that exists. But to own it and then acknowledge it and then try to grow from it. 

Alona Pulde: I love that. And [00:15:00] it's hard because you happen to have the awareness, but how often do we not have that awareness?

It's it, um, we're almost running on a default energy. So I think knowing that this challenge exists and knowing that as parents, it's. Easy to get caught up in our children's lives and allow that to define who we are, um, is really important. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, I like it. 

Alona Pulde: Um, so let's jump into letters from our listeners.

Matthew Lederman: This is where we get letters, uh, with question or emails. We call 'em letters, but I don't think we get actual post mail, do we? The emails with questions. Around people, uh, dealing with parenting topics that fall into this category. We'd like to read them. One of the letters is, is about, [00:16:00] uh, parent with their son, and it says, my son is thinking about quitting basketball, and I'm having a hard time accepting it.

I know it's his decision, but I love the community, the games and the identity we've built around it. How do I support him without feeling like I'm losing something too? 

Alona Pulde: I love this question because it extends beyond just the child and their pursuit to the, the. Greater benefit that comes from that as far as reinforcing your commitments to that activity, the community, the friends that you make, the events, the social aspect of it, um, that suddenly feels like a real void if that goes away.

And that's particularly important because even in, in those communities, that's the topic of conversation. It's your children and their basketball or your children and their acting or your children and their [00:17:00] dance. And so even the thought of then meeting up with these parents when your child is no longer involved in that activity seems un not realistic.

What are you gonna have to talk about? 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. So if the conversation with your friends that are from the sports are about the sports mm-hmm. Or if it's in school and you're just talking about academics, you, there's a, a lack of richness and real fertilizer for a, a, a more robust and, and broader connection to take hold.

Alona Pulde: Yes.

And, and it, that's a very, especially when you are enmeshed, um, and, and lack the personal awareness to begin with, how easy and, um, alluring [00:18:00] that is. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, exactly. So, so I would respond by. Saying one, acknowledge your own feelings. 

Alona Pulde: Mm-hmm. This 

Matthew Lederman: is a loss. It's okay to grieve it. And I think we talked about that before too, where you mourning what hap the needs of yours that are no longer being met.

Mm-hmm. And some of those, in my opinion are, are you're meeting them in very healthy ways. And other times it's, it's a, it's an opportunity to look at some wounding. So if your identity, again, is connected to your child's accomplishments, it's coming from a wounded place. And we can talk about that. And, and you can sort of grow from that.

You can even get help from friends around that, or a, a, a professional, uh, therapist. But your identity really should ideally tie into you and not be dependent. Your worth is not dependent upon anything external. It's just, it's there because it's in you. And mourning though that there's some excitement and [00:19:00] some accomplishment and some fun and, and joy that happens in those activities.

Alona Pulde: I like that you make that point. 'cause it's important. The question was, how do I support him without feeling like I'm losing something too? You can't, you can support him and acknowledge that you are losing something too. But then what do you do with that? Right? 

Matthew Lederman: And then shift your focus from the activity to the relationship.

So what you care most about, uh, is the relationship and the connection with the child. And if you're connecting with the child, then you wanna identify and connect to what needs of the child are being met by this decision. And, and this desire to change is clearly meeting needs. Let's, let's connect to what those are and the idea of staying with the old.

Way of doing things is no longer working, meaning it's no longer meeting needs, or there's new needs that need to be [00:20:00] met that can't be met from that old way of doing things. 

Alona Pulde: Mm-hmm. 

Matthew Lederman: So connecting around that is, is, is really wonderful. It provides a richness to the relationship. And if you love the community, consider staying involved in a different role.

Mm-hmm. So there's different ways to meet the needs, even though the way you've been doing it is through your child showing up in that. In that way, maybe you can show up in a different way and still stay connected to that community. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. And that's hard to do if you are embarrassed. Um. Or ashamed of the fact that your child pulled out versus, oh, my child is moving on to, you know, new pastors and exploring different things.

But I'd love to continue to hang out with these people that I enjoy or support their kids or whatever that might look like. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. Volunteer show up. Mm-hmm. And if you're. Hiding and embarrassed that your child is switching or what they're doing, then that's [00:21:00] something to look at before. Mm-hmm. Showing up.

But ideally, you're showing up in this community even though your child's not there and saying, I'm so excited for my child. They're doing X, Y, and Z. 'cause it's meeting these needs. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. I love that. Um, I like this one too because the, the focus is a little bit different. Uh, it was, my husband and I have built our entire marriage around our kids' activities.

Now that they're getting older, I'm realizing we don't have much else holding us together. How do we reconnect? 

Matthew Lederman: It's a, uh, we see that a lot with our clients 

Alona Pulde: absolutely. All, all the time. And, you know, we've talked about it as well that we have a pulse on it. So I think a particular sensitivity to where that is happening.

But, and I think we sh we've shared it in, in, uh, recent episodes. [00:22:00] Kylie, our oldest daughter, was going through some health stuff that was requiring more attention and that attention was pulling us to care for her, which was very important. But also noticing, Hey, wait a minute, I, we feel like there's. Slowly distance is creeping as we're really prioritizing the kids and not prioritizing our own relationship.

So we're taking regular inventory and we maybe catch it sooner, but I think it's something that can seed into any relationship and I think it seeds into a lot of relationships. We don't even notice it until we feel like. Now what do I do? Or is it too late? 

Matthew Lederman: And that's where the anchors are helpful because basically what you're saying is that when we were shifting our energy towards care for Kylie, our personal [00:23:00] anchor and our relational anchor was starting to loosen up a little bit.

Oh, 

Alona Pulde: totally. Took a backseat. Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: So being aware of your personal anchor and your relationship anchor is essential for relationships to thrive and ultimately. For Kylie's wellbeing, our tending to our personal and relationship anchors is, is essential as well. 

Alona Pulde: Oh, you know, that's so poignant because as you were saying that, I was remembering and, and wanting to share how at one point remember her looking at me and, and saying, um, I really appreciate you caring for me, but it feels like I'm such a burden.

Like you guys are doing so much, and I realized at that moment the pressure that she was feeling by all the doting that was kind of happening. On her. And it [00:24:00] was a real, it was a reality check for me to take a step back. Um, so the impact is we think we're doing all these great things and, and we think we're prioritizing the children and somehow that's benefiting them.

And I think to some degree, you know, having that balance, yes. Paying attention to your children and supporting them. Very, very important. Uh. Making them the only priority, damaging not only to you and your relationship, but to them as well. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, for sure. 

Alona Pulde: So, so I love the anchors reminding parents to, uh.

Start by spending, finding out what excites you, what are you doing, what are things that, uh, you can pursue on your own, and what are things that you guys can pursue as a couple that you would enjoy outside of parenting?

Matthew Lederman: It's all about, it's all about improv. Again, you gotta come back to, [00:25:00] 

Alona Pulde: you gotta come back to improv. Everything comes 

Matthew Lederman: back to improv. 

Alona Pulde: If only everyone did improv life would be wonderful. 

Matthew Lederman: You know, I was, I was telling our improv teacher that the, I think we should start, um, prescribing improv classes for families.

It works a different part of the brain and it like really is a fun way to show up and be silly as a family together. And when I'm doing that, I'm not thinking about Kylie's Health, I'm not thinking about work. I'm not thinking critically of myself. It's just this joyous time that we all are together and we're all laughing with each other.

Alona Pulde: Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: So I think it's a, an important, I mean, find your improv, whatever that is for you, basically. Yes. 

Alona Pulde: Is it pickleball? Is it, you know, going to the beach together and playing beach volleyball, whatever that looks like, 

Matthew Lederman: but something together where you're all having fun. Together. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. Finding time to play together and finding time to play [00:26:00] outside of the parenting role, not involving your kids.

So also having partners find that time to engage in that play and that fun together. 

Matthew Lederman: Exactly. And if you can't identify that time, then that's the first place to put your energy, which I think, how do we reconnect? It's doing an inventory of where you're putting all of your. Your resources, where are you putting all of your energy?

And if it's not balanced, and balance doesn't mean equal. Like we said, Kylie might need more support sometimes. So not it won't be equal, but there's definitely some resources. Going towards myself, yours going towards yourself, and then going towards our relationship. 

Alona Pulde: I think that's a final point in this particular situation that I wanna point out is yes, doing things as a couple is really important and finding those activities, but.

Finding your own activities and bringing that to the couple is also [00:27:00] really enriching. And we mentioned that in the last episode, that notion of differentiation, actually bringing us closer. So as you're engaging in improv and I'm engaging in other things, and we bring that into our relationship, that personal joy that we're experiencing is something that our partners can celebrate.

You feel that? And I think that really enriches and enhances a relationship as well. And sometimes it's easier to begin that way to even find your own anchor versus trying to find the couple anchor. So 

Matthew Lederman: yeah. 'cause you can even find your own anchors. And when you're spending time together, you're talking about your own personal anchors.

Alona Pulde: Yes. 

Matthew Lederman: So at least you're doing that. And then through that. Maybe something will flesh out, but at least you're talking about what brings you joy that doesn't have anything to do with the kids. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. I love that. I love that. So what are we leaving this, our [00:28:00] audience today 

Matthew Lederman: with? Tell, tell 'em the one last thing, El 

Alona Pulde: So the one last thing for today, a.

I would say your child's life is their journey and your life is yours. When we remember that we give both ourselves and our kids the freedom to grow. 

Matthew Lederman: Perfect. Perfect. You can take that to the bank. So, great. Well, if today's episode resonated with you, leave us a rating and a review. Please. Please. And it helps us reach more parents.

And if you have a story about reclaiming your identity as a parent or any other questions I. Or stories that you wanna share, please email us at parents@webetogether.com. We'd love to hear from you, and thanks so much for listening. 

Alona Pulde: Thank you everyone. 

Matthew Lederman: Bye.

Cool.