Ep. 28 - Disagreeing without disconnecting in an increasingly polarized world

In today's increasingly polarized world, disagreement often leads to disconnection — but it doesn’t have to. In this episode of webe Pärents, Drs. Alona Pulde and Matthew Lederman explore how we can model compassionate disagreement for our children, teaching them that connection can thrive even when opinions differ. Using the “Three C Bridge” — Curiosity, Compassion, and Connection — they offer real-life examples, practical tools, and inspiring insights for staying grounded, even during the toughest conversations. Discover how empathy, not agreement, becomes the path toward stronger families and a more united future.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why disagreement doesn't have to mean disconnection — especially with family.
• How fear of being "ousted from the tribe" shapes modern conflict.
• Why judgments form automatically — and how to translate them into needs.
• The power of the "Three C Bridge" (Curious, Compassionate, Connected) during conflict.
• How to model healthy disagreement for your kids in everyday life.
• Practical examples and role plays you can use at home.
• Why compassion requires courage — not agreement.
• How to create emotional safety even when walking away is necessary.

Have a Kinectin Account? Here are some topics to discuss with Amari and apply them to your personal life or relationships. Here are some thought provoking questions to ask yourself:

1. Sometimes it feels like one disagreement can cost a friendship or strain a relationship — have I created enough emotional safety in my home or friendships to allow disagreement without fear of disconnection?
2. In a world that pressures us to pick sides quickly, am I modeling curiosity and compassion when someone close to me thinks differently — or am I unconsciously teaching my kids (or partner) that love is conditional?
3. When I hear a viewpoint that triggers me, especially from my child or someone I love, can I slow down enough to ask: ‘What need are they trying to meet?’ — and respond from that place instead of from judgment?

What is Amari? webe Parents has partnered with Kinectin to bring you Amari, your personal AI coach. Now you can interact with the ideas from our podcasts, articles, and parenting tips — and Amari will help you apply them directly to your pe

To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Transcript

Episode 28 | disagreeing without disconnecting

Alona Pulde: Hello and welcome to Wey Parents, where we explore the joys and challenges of parenting and help families grow closer through connection, compassion, and real life tools. Hi, I am Dr. Aona Poe. And hi, I'm Dr. Matthew Letterman, and today we're diving into a conversation that's both deeply personal and universally relevant, how to teach our children compassion in a world that feels more divided than ever.

Matthew Lederman: Before we jump in, please take a moment to subscribe. You never miss a chance to grow alongside us as we navigate the parenting journey together. 

Alona Pulde: And when you subscribe, you're joining a community of families committed to raising kind, resilient kids. Even in challenging times like these, you know, when we were kids, we could argue over whether.

Batman or Wonder Woman was better and we'd still be best friends, 

Matthew Lederman: right? As long as you agreed that it was [00:01:00] Batman or Wonder Woman. Well, seriously though, who? Who is better? Batman or, 

Alona Pulde: oh, please. 

Matthew Lederman: You're like, it's hands down, 

Alona Pulde: hands down, 

Matthew Lederman: hands down. I like Wonder Woman too. So, no, but seriously, uh. Now it seems like you say one wrong thing and you're unfriended, unfollowed, maybe even uninvited to Thanksgiving, which may or may not be a bad thing, but, but that the fragility of the connection, it puts me into this sense of sort of threat physiology.

Like at any point, important relationships could be gone. My, I could be thrown out of the tribe, which. Physiologically speaking is, is quite dangerous. You know, we, we need to be in the tribe to survive. So this, this fragility is, is quite concerning. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. And in the middle of all that tension, are children watching how we handle disagreements or don't?

Matthew Lederman: Exactly. And that's what they learn. [00:02:00] And we wonder why generation after generations continues. To do things that, you know we do. And it, it's not so much what we say they model what we do. 

Alona Pulde: Absolutely. It, it really feels like something has shifted. What used to be space for healthy debates now feels like really dangerous ground.

It's. Almost come to the point where we are afraid to disagree even with the people that we love. Just like you said, being ousted from the tribe, the tribe that's most important to us. Um, and in that fear, we're losing something really precious. We're losing an ability to stay connected when we don't see eye to eye.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, that's the, the crux of the problem is how do you stay connected with someone when you don't share a reality with them [00:03:00] or you, the, the way of navigating that challenge or meeting that need is different for you than it is for them. I. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah, 

Matthew Lederman: I mean, look at how some people, I mean, that's the, uh, nonviolent communication, the foundation of conflict is at the strategy level, not the needs level.

So we all have a need for safety, but some people choose to meet that need with a strategy of getting a gun. Someone else might get an alarm system. Someone else might live in a large building with lots of people. All of them are meeting needs for safety. But if you try to argue about whether it's a gun is better or a group of people is better, or an alarm system is better to meet your needs for safety, you're gonna derail and disconnect very quickly.

Alona Pulde: I think that you nailed the core of the issue is that we're wrapped in each other's strategies. But we're not even making space to consider different strategies. We just are very attached [00:04:00] to this is the right way and this is the wrong way, and you're either in the right tribe or the wrong tribe. Um, and that's what today's episode is gonna be talking about.

Really, it isn't about changing anyone's mind, it's about protecting our hearts and our homes. And the emotional safety of our children in a world where differences now, kind of feeling deal breakers. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And people have to hide their differences or find a silo of people that share the same beliefs, and that's very concerning.

There's lots of people out there that are struggling and they might even have beliefs or thoughts that. Aren't kind or aren't accepted by others, but they're keeping them to themselves because it's, it's more dangerous to risk alienation than it is to try and share those and heal them. [00:05:00] And I think that we, if our goal is healing, I was actually just talking to my friend yesterday about this.

If our goal is healing, then how we respond to people who think and see differently than we do is the key to whether that healing's gonna happen. And if we react and judge and alienate, we're gonna thwart all healing. And if we allow these differences to come out and to see each other and the needs they're trying to meet, despite those differences, all of a sudden I think we can come closer and we can heal.

Alona Pulde: You know, um, the image that I got right now is we have regressed to a childlike state of either submitting or rebelling to a given situation. So either we, we, um, give up our authenticity to belong and fit in. Regardless of what we're really [00:06:00] feeling, which is such a dangerous and fragile state to be in, I can't show up as myself.

I have to show up as this facade and I have to keep the facade going in order to be part of the group. Or we rebel and. Wherever there's a moment where a belief of ours is challenged. We brace, retreat, or we go to war, um, and we've lost the ability to advocate for ourselves with compassion and agency in a way that cares about us and cares about whoever we're engaging with and our children are right in the middle of it.

Matthew Lederman: That's the piece for me that is in, in inspiring for me to take action and speak about this, but also brings a lot of sadness when I see [00:07:00] the impact on children. Yeah. And, and the hate that is spreading. Yeah. 

Alona Pulde: Because it's not just political, it's not just societal. It's coming into our homes. Um, families arguing over dinner tables and then, and then there's silence to avoid conflict or, kids parroting judgmental language they've heard from adults, but having no idea what they're actually saying. Um, or even parents walking on eggshells with friends or family to keep the peace. And that's what children learn to do with their own friends. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, and it's just, it's, it's so challenging when the kids.

Hate the haters because, and they think that they're doing some, they're, they're up upholding like this, this social value by hating the haters. And to me there's almost this mentality of, [00:08:00] it's okay to judge as long as you judge the way I'm judging. Instead of saying, Hey, let's, let's not judge at all.

Let's not hate at all. We can judge what meets our values and doesn't mean our values. But if, for example, this happens a lot in politics. We were talking about this the other day, that if you think it is, uh, okay to have, uh, same sex marriage, then the people that don't approve of that, if we hate them and judge them as these evil close-minded people, in my opinion, we're no different.

And how can we. Get our needs met for inclusion and care for all people without hate. That's the goal. 

Alona Pulde: And on so many levels, the fragility of that comes becomes clear. Even the [00:09:00] notion of hating the haters, we are now stepping into the shoes of those that were judging. And which is what you said. And, and the, the scary part of that is that especially in politics, it's changes so often who the, who, the power is coming from and who aligns with that and who doesn't that if you are spending four years not on how to make the world around you, great, but on how to screw the other guy.

Then of course you're gonna be afraid when governments change, and now it's not your party or your representatives anymore because you just spent four years trying to get revenge on them. What do you think they're gonna be doing now that they're coming into power? 

Matthew Lederman: And then we're just, it's, it's like kicking the can down the road.

So then four years from [00:10:00] now, there's a big switch. The pendulum swings back the other way, and now the other side. Goes to their hate and, and enforce policies that support their hate. 

Alona Pulde: Exactly. And you see it, and it's not just in politics. You see it in, in social situations at school, you know, there's a group that happens to be popular and they treat everybody else poorly and then they lose popularity and other group comes up and becomes popular and they do the exact same thing 

Matthew Lederman: or, or a group.

Is, uh, if there's one or two leaders and they've been treating the whole group poorly, if enough of the people in the group that are being treated poorly get frustrated and, and get, you know, get rid of their fear, that they're gonna be outcast. If they stand up against this, then they all come together and decide we're gonna create our own group and hate the leaders that were mean to us.

Alona Pulde: Exactly. And we're gonna 

Matthew Lederman: be mean back to them. 

Alona Pulde: Exactly. 

Matthew Lederman: And it's just this really sad. Ripple effect. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. [00:11:00] There's a growing sense that love, safety, belonging. They're now all conditional and they're based on what we believe or don't believe. Whose side are you on? But here's the truth, we can disagree without disconnecting.

And when we model that for our children, we teach them one of the most powerful skills they'll ever need. 

Matthew Lederman: And that starts in myself. I notice that I can't think without judgment very well. Like I still, as hard as I've worked on in non-violent community, it's just I had 40 plus years of conditioning. It's like trying not to think in English really, really hard.

But I can. Identify those judgments and transform them and translate them to my feelings and needs, and that's where the power is. I think if people are gonna try not to have judgments or they think judgments are wrong or bad, you're not gonna be able [00:12:00] to be successful or it's gonna feel almost too hard.

So, I don't know. What do you think about that? The, this idea of transforming judgments in our heads? 

Alona Pulde: I really like that actually, because I, I, one I think it is. You're right. A more realistic, um, and doable action is. Not to, to believe that we can eliminate judgments that have accrued over, you know, years and years and decades and decades, but to note that our judgments are messages and oftentimes they're default messages and opportunity for us.

To grow from them and also an opportunity to identify the needs behind them. We're making judgements there to meet some needs, whether they're needs for protection or safety or you know, whatever, whatever comes up for us, uh, consideration care, [00:13:00] um, to take that opportunity and use those messages. One. You can transform, but two, also to connect to yourself and say, all right, what am I actually needing here that is resulting what needs are not met that are, that are resulting in these judgments.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. I mean, even last night it happened when Kylie was going into the bed late and she turned the light on, uh, even though Jordan was sleeping and turned the light on while Jordan was sleeping to get something before she went to bed. And my immediate thought was, why the heck would she turn the light on when someone else is sleeping?

That's so inconsiderate. That was the thought. I didn't have any, I didn't choose to think that way. It just whoop, you know? That's what the popped into my head. And then taking a second to say, well, that doesn't meet my need for consideration, which is different than she's being inconsiderate. So it's taking a [00:14:00] moment to not speak from that judgment place.

It's to pause and shift and then ideally to get curious. 'cause I have to assume that she values consideration too. If I don't have that assumption. If I assume she's this bad kid that I have to mold into considering other people versus, no, she values consideration. And when I came from that energy, I was able to guess that, oh.

She probably assumed Jordan had her eye patch on so the light wouldn't bother her. And sure enough, Jordan happened to not be wearing it last night, but she did assume that Jordan had it. So when I said to you might for consideration, she was basically thinking, wow, I didn't realize Jordan didn't have her eye patch on.

Of course. So she did value consideration too, so that could have been a big mess if I didn't catch the judgment and translate it and then see her good intention and check in with her too. 

Alona Pulde: And I love that example, and I'll raise it one, which is in this situation, it sounds like Kylie [00:15:00] was thinking she was meeting needs for consideration, but I.

Even assuming that she did something that didn't meet needs for consideration, the jump to she is now an inconsiderate person because she on one occasion, you know, didn't meet needs for consideration in the way another person would've enjoyed. There's a really big disparity between she made a mistake or there was a misunderstanding, or who knows, versus this is who she is and now that's how I see her.

And I think that happens more often than we realize. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. I like that. That's really important that even if she, mm-hmm. Missed. The need for consideration in that moment. It doesn't mean she doesn't value consideration, right. It just means she happened to overlook it or disconnect from it, or not be aware to of it.

Mm-hmm. [00:16:00] 

Alona Pulde: You know, what's helpful for me is to keep a couple of really, uh. Helpful thoughts in my own head. Um, the first is that your values are best taught through example, not argument. So kids learn how to engage by watching how you respond, especially when it's hard. And if there's fear-based attack versus curiosity and, um, conversation, that's what they're gonna learn and pick up as well.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah, I, um, I notice that's really helpful. For example, if I'm upset that you or I'm reactive. And I'll, I'll be in the car with the kids driving them to school and I'll say, oh, I'm really frustrated around something their mom did and, but I wanna try and come at it with connection, but I have a judgment in my head first, and I'm gonna try and translate it.

Maybe you guys can help me. So I enlist. I bring them [00:17:00] in with kind not to try and vent and prove that you're this bad person, but saying, Hey, I want to communicate around an unmet need with connection towards you. And they enjoy that. 

Alona Pulde: I'm sure, and you are teaching them to recognize their own judgments and to.

Practice transforming and translating them so that they're not, the, the purpose is not to create an enemy image, but to find a way back to connection. Right. So I love that. Um, another one is that disagreement is natural, but disconnection is a choice. 

Matthew Lederman: Oh, I like that. I like that. 

Alona Pulde: So it's, it's okay to not align.

We don't have to agree on everything. Actually, if you think about it. Out of our differences. That's what keeps life interesting. If we were all the same, it would get pretty boring. 

Matthew Lederman: The problem is when people disagree around something that's particularly sensitive and then they need, there's such [00:18:00] a, so much despair and they need empathy, and it's so activating.

That it be, they just need people to agree with them or get empathy, but you're trying to get empathy from someone who's sharing a different view. It becomes challenging, like we just disagree on what flavor of ice cream we, we wanna get. It's, oh, that's a big one. That's, that's a big We fly. You and I fight that.

Hell a lot in, in general, it, if the stakes are higher, this can get a little messier. There can be an empathy collision more likely. 

Alona Pulde: Absolutely. But I also think, and that leads into the next one, is that compassion doesn't require agreement. It requires courage. So when we look at those situations, even when they're heated, even when they're sensitive to remember that.

We can come at it with compassion. That doesn't mean that I agree with you, but it's what it does mean is that I'm still seeing the humanity in you and you are seeing the [00:19:00] humanity in me. Even if we're not aligned, I. On a particular subject. Yeah. And even if it ultimately means, hey, you know what, we can't align.

And I also don't see a way that we can continue this relationship. This, this level of disagreement is so intense for me. There still, you can still do that with compassion and care and connection. Even if you have to walk away. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. That's the ideal place to be. You can walk away with care. 

ignore: Mm-hmm. 

Matthew Lederman: Versus walk away with harshness and sort of a punitive energy.

I think it's what also is a game changer for me was when I realized there's, you can have more than one reality. So I'm empathizing with this person's reality. I'm not agreeing with their reality, but I can empathize with it. That actually comes up a lot with clients when I'm working with couples. And [00:20:00] I'll tell them, Hey, if you hear me empathizing with your partner's reality, it doesn't mean I agree with it.

In fact, I may not agree with either of your realities, and that doesn't really matter right now. What matters now is that you get a sense that I understand and see your reality, and I see the impact and the pain stimulated from your reality and that I care about that. 

Alona Pulde: That that is a hard one to wrap your head around for a lot of people is that empathy is not agreements, right.

But I think, you know, the more that we can practice empathy, the more we see the strength in that practice. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. Because what's the point of agreeing or disagreeing? It's often to get a sense that you're understood and heard and cared about. 

Alona Pulde: And seen. Yeah. 

Matthew Lederman: And if you're trying to get them to agree with your reality, it makes it much harder to get those needs for being heard and understood and seen, met.

So let go of them agreeing with it and even, and I'll find it helpful to say, Hey. Even if you don't agree with my reality, can you empathize [00:21:00] with it? Can you just get how this reality is stimulating me in the way it is? That makes it really helpful. The same with the kids. If the kids have this reality that I'm just like, whoa, I don't know where this is coming from, but I'm just with it.

I'm with them in their struggle, like, or sometimes they'll share with me like, I'm so torn. I don't know what to do. And huh. My instinct is to be like, this is very simple. I know exactly what you should do. But that's not, they're wanting me to see their tornness and be with them and connect with them around that.

Because often if they're torn about two things and I tell 'em what to do, they'll tell me why that's not gonna work. And the other issue is, is, is is more of an issue than I'm, I'm seeing so empathize with the reality. It's very important with kids too. 

Alona Pulde: And you know, even in the subtleness of how you said that, and I, and I wanna e emphasize that because I think it's important.

It's my reality. Versus the reality. Right. And I think that's where, you know, a lot of society's getting stuck is [00:22:00] it's not, this is my reality. This is the way that I'm seeing the world, or this is the way that my group is seeing the world. It's this is the way of the world. 

Matthew Lederman: Exactly. 

Alona Pulde: Um, so I think even that is, uh, an.

Elevation in, in, in getting more connected versus disconnected 

Matthew Lederman: and that. So I really like that. And you, and when you can do that, it makes all of these tough topics so much easier to talk about. 

Alona Pulde: So what is the tool that we're bringing into? 

Matthew Lederman: So the tool, the three C bridge, curious, compassionate, and Connected.

The tool is about creating a pathway through disagreement, not around it. We're not trying to avoid it, we're trying to connect through it. Whether you're talking to a family member who sees the world differently, or you're responding to your child, repeating something that's upsetting. This three C Bridge helps you stay rounded and connected.

And if that's your goal connection, this is the way [00:23:00] you go. So step one, get curious. So instead of reacting, pause and ask what's behind this view? 'cause curiosity shifts us from judgment to discovery. That shifting from curiosity is a very grounded approach. It means you're not in reactivity. Step two would be stay compassionate.

So that starts with how you show up, not just in the type of words you choose, but just in how are you mobilized and tense and aggressive and have a harsh tone so you can stimulate compassion just by speaking gently and slowing it down. And remember this. This person is more than their opinion. This is one topic, one opinion.

This person is a lot more than that because what I found is that if I, even if I scare somebody or am so harsh or I, I, you know, intellectually argue, you know, in a way that they just, you know, submit to my views, I [00:24:00] still don't feel good. So it's this compassion. I want connection more than I want agreement.

Uh, even though sometimes initially if I'm reactive, I might think I want agreement. So compassion isn't agreement. It's emotional safety. And to me that especially over the years, that's become my priority over agreement. And then step three is build connection. So find something human and shared a hope, a value of fear if you can see the humanity in the other person.

You're heading in towards connection. So we see it differently, but I think we both care about making the world better would be an example. Hey, we don't have to see it eye to eye, but we're both trying to make the world a better place. And the way you think we should make the world a better place is different than the way I think we should make the world a better place.

Can we connect that? We both have different realities around that, but we both value making the world a better place. That's where connection starts. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. And I think I [00:25:00] have a, a wish beyond that, uh, which, you know, we, we do see, we may find ourselves in situations where we see the world differently, but if we can get down to the needs that we're trying to meet, and then the ability to collaborate together to try and find.

The option that works for as many, as many situations as possible, as many people as possible. I think that's like, that's the dream. I think what happens sometimes is, um, when we're focused on what's ours or about revenge or about sticking it to others or me versus them, we, we create this landscape where bitterness replaces collaboration [00:26:00] and the ultimate goal becomes punishing others versus.

Helping them progress or thrive. And when we have that energy, there's no way that you can bridge gaps. No. 

Matthew Lederman: And a lot of times people don't realize this, but when you are punishing or trying to stimulate pain or hurt in someone else, you're still trying to meet needs. And if you're clearer about the needs you're trying to meet, it often can be helpful.

So when, for example, when one kid is very young and they hit another kid. Often they have a need for empathy. They want this, you know, which is basically, I want the other person to feel the pain I'm feeling. So you hurt them so they know how badly you're hurting. It's a tragic strategy to meet a need for empathy.

You can hurt somebody else because you want this to matter, like this is really important. If it hurts them, they're, this is, they'll realize how much this matters. And also predictability. Sometimes you want them [00:27:00] to do something different in the future. And if you hurt them. They, maybe they'll remember not to do that again in the future.

So it can meet needs for predictability and mattering. Sometimes if you stimulate pain in someone, they, you'll be meet a need to be heard you think, because hey, they're gonna, you're gonna get their attention and empathy. So these are very important needs, but we can get our need for empathy and to be heard and for this to matter and predictability.

We can do that in a way that doesn't stimulate pain because there's a huge cost to that strategy too. 

Alona Pulde: I agree.

Matthew Lederman: So the, the question for me is, how would this look, how would this look if we were gonna show people going from no skills to pro skills? 

Alona Pulde: Well, I love the tool that you shared. I and, and I think that it really goes. [00:28:00] Against a lot of, and I'll include myself in that. A lot of our default thinking when we are in a state of reactivity mm-hmm.

Where you don't wanna get curious, you wanna be judgemental and you wanna shut it down. Yeah. 

Matthew Lederman: You've been in that skate. I don't know what you're talking. Oh, 

Alona Pulde: oh, many times. Well that's why, but that's 

Matthew Lederman: why in reactivity you can't connect, you can, you can disengage with kindness and care. But you can't connect.

But it's a 

Alona Pulde: vicious cycle because yes, I agree with you completely. And the the, I think the courage and the first step is to. Come to agreement that there needs to be a break in the cycle because what happens is as long as I worry that you will not make space to give me empathy to hear or see me or, you know, aim to understand [00:29:00] my reality, even if you don't agree with it.

Then the more I have no desire to be curious about you, I'm gonna do the same to you. Why would I see you when you don't see me? So we perpetuate that cycle and the only way to break it is to consciously say. I have to, sometimes it's, I have to be the first to show up in this way, to model this path, to remember that the only way out of darkness is light.

But that's hard. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. 

Alona Pulde: Right. 

Matthew Lederman: That's why we tell people to memorize a statement like, Hey, I can't think of anything that's gonna support us. I can't think of anything to say that's gonna support us right now. And I want to, because I love you, so I'm gonna take. 20, 30 minutes to collect my thoughts and I'm gonna come back and [00:30:00] revisit this with you.

So something like that is when you're reactive and, and one of my mentors, Mary McKenzie, who's an NBC trainer, said to memorize a line like that. And it's so helpful to have that in your arsenal because then you can disengage. But it's very important to tell them, Hey, I wanna say something constructive and I can't, but I want to.

And I love you. And I'm gonna be back. I'm not just walking away. 'cause a lot of times when people walk away, their fear will be abandoned. But no, I'll be back 'cause I care about you. And that care to me is essential for disengaging when you're really activated. 'cause you can't empathize with somebody. Now if you can get to the point, once you've calmed yourself that you can say, Hey, are you, would you like some empathy for your reality of what's going on here?

Now they're gonna say, oh, okay, great. And then you give them empathy. Your focus is on them not arguing your point. Yeah. So I like, I like that. And, and you know, that to me is an important skill to [00:31:00] have. 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. And, and that's why it starts at home where you have built trust with the people that you're living with.

You know, and that's the gift that we can give our children is. Stepping into this safe space where they can start practicing it differently. And so what does that look like at home? A no skills example, uh, converted to a pro skills example. Um, I can think of a no skills example. When, um, our kids sometimes come home and parrot what their friends are saying, whether it's about politics or about some social media influencer, and I, my instinct is to roll my eyes and think, oh my God, I know this is not coming out of their mouth.

You know, so where do they [00:32:00] hear this? And I just get really tight and irritated that, which is ironic 'cause that we're trying to teach them something different. And here they have thrown. All of that out the window. 

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. 

Alona Pulde: And brought a whole, you know, just defaulted. 

Matthew Lederman: Um, so we make, we lock them in the room, make them listen to the podcast for a couple hours.

Right. That's the, that's the punishment. 

Alona Pulde: Exactly. But you know, that's, but what am I actually modeling for them? Is that if they come in with an opinion, I completely disregard it because it's not what. You know how we have kind of structured our home. Uh, so that is an example of no skills. 

Matthew Lederman: And then if you took a breath and you asked them, Hey, tell me more.

What makes you feel that way? You sort of feel your own feet on the floor. Um, stay calm, stay open, and you do. And you always have [00:33:00] one hand on the eject button where you can. Use that line that we just said to memorize. So if you get too reactive, pull the button and just say up. I'll be back in 30 minutes, you know, but I, I want to say something more.

I love you. I care. So be ready. Because at any point they can say something that you immediately want to jump on. Or is particularly activating. I think that's important that it one hand on both. 

Alona Pulde: Absolutely. And I think remembering that my kids are not me and they absolutely have the right to their own opinions and I think what is exciting is.

And is the opportunity to get curious. So I love that they come in. I'm thinking, oh my goodness, where, you know, where does that coming from? And, but if I can get curious and say, oh, what about that did you like or tell me more, or. Uh, whatever [00:34:00] that is to, to build that connection. Um, it always, I can say always here, really, it always feels so much better.

Matthew Lederman: Yeah. So anytime you can model that, calm, that checking in, I'll sometimes even own, hold on a second, I'm caught in my head with a thought and I'm just translating it. Gimme a second here. Um, modeling respectful language, um, you know, being able to say things like, Hey, you know, we see things differently, but you know, I know they're coming from a place of care, so let's try and figure out where that place is.

So we both aware of it. Any type of language that brings you closer together and models that for them, not that you're getting it perfectly, but that you are aware when you're sort of veering off the path of connection and you're showing them how to get back on the path. 

Alona Pulde: Yes. I I love that. And I love what you just said.

We see things [00:35:00] differently, but I know they're coming from a place of care. Um, I know that in the same way that sometimes I wince when the girls come and say things that they've heard at school is when they say things that I've heard myself say, and then it checks me, you know, in, in this very humbled situation where I'm like, Ugh.

I can't believe, you know, that was, that's my influence. That's on me. You know, it's like, of all the things I've told 

Matthew Lederman: you, that's the one that were painful, right? That's the one 

Alona Pulde: you're gonna remember. 

Matthew Lederman: There's so much good stuff that I share at you. Pick, right? 

Alona Pulde: Um, all right, so how do we bring this home? 

Matthew Lederman: So I love our explain invite model practice.

Alona Pulde: Explain, 

Matthew Lederman: invite, model, practice. So explaining to the children, Hey, not everyone sees the world like we do, or I might even see it differently than you, and that's okay. What matters is how we treat people even when we disagree. [00:36:00] So how? Make sure they really get it. Ask them to then say that back to you. So what are you hearing when I share that?

How do you feel about that? Really invite them to sort of soak and marinate in that. And then you can invite, invite from your children and say, Hey. Ask them, have you ever disagreed with a friend or teacher? What did you do? And hey, what could you try next time? What went well? What didn't go well? But you're inviting them to now explore, Hey.

'cause the whole goal is to disagree with connection. It's not to get them to agree all the time. It's, and so in it's one of these, when we're practicing this and bringing it home, you wanna flush out the disagreement. 

ignore: Mm-hmm. So 

Matthew Lederman: you can model and practice doing it differently. So the next thing is to model for your children.

Showing them calm, disagreement in action. You wanna let them see you listen and respond thoughtfully and stay connected. Model that for them. Show them what it's like [00:37:00] so they can feel it in their bones, not just understand it in their heads. 

Alona Pulde: And you can start small. You can start with what's our favorite flavor of ice cream or what's our favorite sport?

Or what team do we support in X, Y, and Z? And then elevate it up and when they bring topics home that they're hearing, um, to really get curious. To really remind them to, to uh, to invite that conversation then to spend a little time on it. 

Matthew Lederman: Exactly. Exactly. And then the last thing is practice it as a family role.

Play tricky conversations. You can take on different parts. You can say, Hey, you're gonna play. Uh, this person, this president, this teacher, uh, give them the opposite opinion, the opposite view, so they can see both and then ask them, Hey, what would compassion sound like here? What would compassionate disagreement sound like?[00:38:00] 

Let your kids be the teacher sometimes too, and say, Hey, I'm, I'm not sure how to navigate this. I have a friend who said this, this, and this. I want to connect with them, even though we disagree on this, how would you navigate this situation? And you ask them and you're practicing it with them, and even role playing and say, Hey, can you play me and I'm gonna play my friend and let your kids try and do it.

Alona Pulde: I think that's so empowering. You know, we talk about differentiation and enmeshment and other episodes, and this is just one more example of how you help empower your kids through differentiation, through finding their space in the world in a way that cares for themselves and others, but doesn't blend them with others.

Matthew Lederman: Exactly. Exactly. So explain it, invite it, model it, and practice it. 

Alona Pulde: I love that. 

Matthew Lederman: All right, well what's our, one last thing before we wrap up? 

Alona Pulde: Yeah. I think our, one [00:39:00] last thing for me today is our kids won't remember everything we say, but they sure do remember how we show up and if we can remember that, um, and really try and model showing up with care, with compassion.

That would do wonders. 

Matthew Lederman: I love it. I love it. So if this episode resonate with you, please rate and review the podcast that helps us reach more families doing this important work. And we love to hear your stories about staying connected through disagreement. You can write to us at parents@webetogether.com.

Thanks for listening.