webe Pärents

Ep. 31: Parenting on Empty-You’re Not Failing — You’re Just Exhausted

• Matt Lederman & Alona Pulde • Season 1 • Episode 31

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What if your exhaustion wasn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong — but proof you’ve been doing too much for too long? 😮‍💨 In this soul-shifting episode of webe Pärents, Matt & Alona crack open the “Super Parent” myth and expose how hustle culture is silently draining joy, connection, and self-worth from families.

😩 Ever feel like your identity is swallowed by your child’s schedule?
🤯 Wonder why brushing your teeth alone feels like a luxury?
💔 Hear the moment Matt confesses that showing up to all six of his daughters’ identical performances nearly broke him — and what they finally did instead.

Have a Kinectin Account? Explore these Nudges to see how they apply to your own life — in a way only Amari can:






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To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

[00:00:00] 


Alona Pulde: Hey there, we'd love for you to hit that subscribe button by subscribing, you're helping us spread the word and connect with more amazing people like you. 


Host: Welcome to we Be Parents, where parent doctors, Matthew Letterman and alone pull day, explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together.


Matthew Lederman: And we're gonna clap. Here we go. 


Alona Pulde: Welcome to Wee Be Parents, where we talk about the heart tugging, soul stretching, beautifully imperfect journey of raising a family. I'm Dr. Lon Apol Day. And hi, I am Dr. Matthew Letterman, and today we're gonna be talking about something that too many parents carry quietly.


The exhaustion that comes from trying to do it all for everyone all the time. If you've ever felt like your life has been hijacked by your [00:01:00] child's schedule, yes indeed we have. I'm sure that's every one of us. Or wondered who you even are underneath all the pickups, preparations, and performances. You are in the right place.


Matthew Lederman: Oh, and before we jump into all that juicy stuff, please don't forget to subscribe. Uh, every time somebody does that, you help us get out there even more, and we're so excited to spread the word. So thank you so much, if you're willing to do that. 


Alona Pulde: So, Matt, how you doing today? 


Matthew Lederman: I am tired. 


Alona Pulde: Perfect. For this podcast.


Sounds you come prepared. I know, 


Matthew Lederman: I know. We were actually talking today when we were food shopping. About some of the challenges with really putting yourself out there for your children with good intention, but the impact it has. So I'm excited for today's topic. 


Alona Pulde: Yes, me too. So let's dive into the topic.


Here's the thing. [00:02:00] When we think of having children, most of us didn't plan to be so consumed by their schedules. We just, we wanna support our kids. We wanna give them every opportunity. We wanna see them thrive. But in the hustle and bustle of this world, with so many opportunities available to them, you can get lost in becoming their chauffeur or you know, 


Matthew Lederman: yeah, just taking all the things that you do and trying with good intention to make their lives more wonderful.


But I find that. Their requests, they can seem reasonable and therefore I have a hard time saying no. But then what creeps in is sometimes a little bit of resentment or exhaustion that then turns into like a harsh tone or an an unnecessary criticism as if there's such a thing as a unnecessary criticism.


I mm-hmm. But that's [00:03:00] the, that's that balance. Like how do you navigate all of that? 


Alona Pulde: Yeah, and that's what we're gonna talk about today. What is really the cost when parenting becomes about trying to do everything, um, why the guilt we carry is completely misplaced and how to start shifting the culture. Not just in our homes, but in ourselves.


We'll introduce a new take on our a RA tool. One that doesn't give you more to do, but more space to be. 


Matthew Lederman: Yes, I'm excited by this tool and I think to the, the. Focus of the topic is that we're more max than ever. We're balancing jobs, we're balancing family obligations, the whirlwind of extracurriculars, and it just has a cost.


We're doing pickups and drop offs and snack runs, and costume sewing and uniform washing, game day, cheering. I mean, it's [00:04:00] just this, this barrage of stuff that we're doing for our kids. And it's not that I, I, I sometimes feel guilty. Feeling overwhelmed by that, even saying that list and having the, you know, shouldn't I be like more, more excited and you know, take one for the team and a good parent.


You know, this whole idea of a good parent, you know, the easiest way to make yourself miserable is think there's such a thing as a good parent and compare yourself to that image. So, you know, and then wondering why I feel burnt out and resentful and disconnected not only from the children, but it has a cost to you and me.


Yeah, for sure. 


Alona Pulde: And I think the world has also gotten much bigger. You know, when, I remember when we were kids, if we got to do one extracurricular activity. That wasn't go outside and play with the neighbors. It was a really big deal and we were really excited when they, when my parents signed us up for piano and then when we were kind of done with piano, we went to karate and then we were kind of done with [00:05:00] karate.


We, you know, we moved on, but. Um, nowadays there are so many opportunities and kids are into so many different things, which is a celebration, right? That they have all these interests and that, that all these extracurricular activities are available to them. But at the same time, the pressure on the parents to then be able to manifest, allow that, you know, have that come to fruition, have that be a reality.


It's all, it's a big load. 


Matthew Lederman: Yeah. Yeah. It really is. It just, it's tough. And also as kids when, at least when I was younger, I remember, like you said, going out, playing football, basketball, baseball, running around, and now it's, it's. Gotta be bigger, better, more exciting. 


Alona Pulde: All of that has to happen in a league or in a group or in a [00:06:00] club, or 


Matthew Lederman: I know.


Yeah. I was, if I wanted to be on a league as a kid, my mom said, call more friends, you know? Yes, exactly. 


Alona Pulde: Exactly. 


Matthew Lederman: Yeah. Write, write a number on your undershirt. And that was, that was what I got. 


Alona Pulde: Right? And then you get into a world where, you know, kids are thinking about college and how are they gonna be a competitive candidate, and what else do they have to add to their plate?


And who's taking the responsibility to make all of this happen is you the parent, right. 


Matthew Lederman: It's just a lot. It is, and it's not just about being busy. It's about our worth. I think that's one of the challenges is that our worth is being tied to being able to do it all and our worth as a parent, you know, being everywhere, never missing a moment, and it just causes all these.


Problems. It causes all these challenges. The ex, the exhausted parent syndrome, which I like. We've, we've put these together, you know, pouring from an empty cup and calling it love. You know, most of us running a [00:07:00] marathon at a sprinter's pace is just not sustainable. 


Alona Pulde: Yeah. And then we wonder why we're so tired and, and.


What that cost is. We don't connect the cost. You mentioned one of them, which is the, the, the dynamics in a relationship that become transactional had become about getting things done, not about enjoying each other's company. 


Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And the guilt factor, equating saying no to, to opportunities is if we're failing our children, somehow the pressure to give them everything, everything overrides our own needs and again, not sustainable.


Alona Pulde: And then there's the, you know, some of the parents who become part of their kids' activity, um, they're, you know, all in, they're the soccer mom or the baseball dad, or the drama parent. Really defining almost their identity through their children and their [00:08:00] children's activity, 


Matthew Lederman: and then the never ending hustle.


Even if we see the problem, it feels impossible to get off this hamster wheel, you know, because, uh, parenting in this culture is more and more, and more, and more, more is better. What's, what's for you personally, you know, what do you identify out of that list? 


Alona Pulde: I think the exhausted parent syndrome. You know, we get to the weekend and we've had a busy week.


The kids have had, you know, have been shuffled back and forth from school. Um, and our school happens to be a significant commute, uh, because that is, again, the children are very interested in arts and, and, uh, creative learning. And so this school happens to be a distance. And so doing that, and then any extracurricular activities after that, getting them to drama, getting them to dance, um, supporting a, a doctor's appointment here or a dentist appointment there.


An eye [00:09:00] appointment here, you know, and the week just goes by so fast. The weekend is like, oh, I'm gonna get to rest, but no, I'm not gonna get to rest. Now I have to take them to whatever extracurricular activities they have. And then there's a. Sleepover or a hangout or, and so the, the me time and the US time is really sacrificed.


Matthew Lederman: Yeah. I've noticed even our time at night where you and I will hang out and we have this protected time, even the kids sometimes are shocked that we will say, okay, we are having, you know, mom and dad alone time. And they're just, they're, they're like, what do you mean, you know, we're not, we're not inviting.


Can we come, can we come here? One, one time I wanted to brush my teeth without children, and they were like, offended. And they're like, I'm just like, I just want quiet. Like, like I just, I wanna brush my teeth. I don't want anybody asking me questions. I don't want any, you know, and it's not personal. I love you [00:10:00] guys, and I just want quiet for the four minutes that I'm brushing my teeth.


Alona Pulde: Yes, and and that's where it gets hard. That's where the guilt factor comes in. Because when you look at it on one side, it's a blessing that our kids wanna hang out with us and our kids enjoy our company and wanna be in that, that company. 


Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And brushing your teeth, like saying yes to that little thing is not a big deal.


Right? Like then I'm like, I can't believe I'm saying no to brushing teeth together. It's only five minutes. Right? But when you have the added effects of every one of those little easy five minute things. You gotta, you gotta be able to say no to something 


Alona Pulde: and it's not balanced with you having your own time.


I think that's the biggest piece, is that it on top of all of the other things that we're doing for them. All these little things, again, take away from me time or us time. I remember, you know, last weekend we had a. Really busy weekend with, uh, a [00:11:00] few on top of their drama school and other stuff that, and, and sports stuff.


And, um, they had a couple of birthdays and sleepover. Um, and I remember after a draw, after dropping both girls off, I came home and you actually were folding laundry and excited. About doing that in this quiet space, and it was very poignant. You know how you were, you were talking about how much you enjoyed just having a little bit of time and a little bit of space for yourself.


Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And I think learning that balance is key. I am a better parent when I go and do retreats by myself for, you know, doing the improv at night and, and missing, I used to think that I was terrible to miss dinner or putting the kids to bed, and I'm actually on the nights when I am home. I'm more [00:12:00] engaged.


I'm, I'm more energized. I'm more connected. I enjoy brushing teeth together. Uh, so it's, it's interesting to think about like that balance and that seven nights a week. May not be what's best for your connection. 


Alona Pulde: Yes, and I think that's such a valid and important point that I'm going to repeat it again. We don't recognize that the cost of our depletion sacrificing so much of ourselves actually costs our connection.


We are shorter with the kids. I find. I find myself feeling, um, resentment. Toward their activities versus excited for them that they get these opportunities. Um, and when I am resourced, when I don't feel so depleted, I can come to the table and we can play games and we can laugh, and we can be joyful together.


And in those moments there's, [00:13:00] there're really cherished moments that are lost. Because I'm making choices that are completely depleting my reserves. 


Matthew Lederman: Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's, it's so amazing. I mean, I really did enjoy brushing my teeth with Jordan, except when she told me I didn't do the full two minutes.


But I, you know, I did enjoy that more and the noise was less stimulating to me when I came resourced after. A break. Yes. So finding what works for different people. And in fact, she was actually right about the two minutes because we went to the dentist together and he said Jordan had the best gums of all three.


Me, Kylie, and Jordan. So Kylie, I don't even know if she brushes her teeth, but Jordan brushes for the full two minutes because her friend told her to. And now I do it for two minutes because I want to have good gums. As well. So anyway, it's just a little side note. It's very important to listen to your [00:14:00] 11-year-old about your dental hygiene.


Alona Pulde: There we go. 


Matthew Lederman: So it was a good thing that I started brushing with her is the point. But I, my energy with her was also more, more upbeat and connected. Yeah, 


Alona Pulde: yeah, yeah. I imagine so. So you wanna talk about the tool today? Maybe you, uh, intuitively used some of these techniques or I 


Matthew Lederman: know the a RA approach. So acknowledge, release.


Then you align. So acknowledge, release, and align. So acknowledge is you gotta, the system is the problem. It's not you. There's this culture, there's this system. You are not weak, you're not disorganized, you're not failing. You know you are reacting to a culture that rewards burnout and calls a good parenting.


So let's name that pressure. Let's acknowledge that. Let's stop pretending this level of sacrifice is normal or even noble, that it's, it's not a good thing to sacrifice that way. So [00:15:00] parents aren't failing the, to me, the expectations are inhumane. What's your reaction to that first step? 


Alona Pulde: Absolutely, absolutely.


I, I think there is such a drive and such an external pressure and a morality judgment around you are a good parent if you sacrifice yourself for your children, and you are selfish, bad parent if you take time for yourself. 


Matthew Lederman: Exactly. Exactly. So once you've acknowledged that the next is to release and that's to let go of the roles that are weighing you down.


So release the beliefs that keep you trapped. Beliefs like that. A good parent never misses a moment or that your child will fall behind if you say no, or that your self-worth is based on your child's success or your success as a parent is dependent upon your child. Saying no to an opportunity doesn't mean saying no to your child.


It means saying yes to your sanity. It means saying [00:16:00] yes to your resource so you can connect to your child in a way that's meaningful and not, not snap. Har be harsh, shame, all those things. So give your permission to let go of the roles, routines, and reputations that are no longer serving you or your family.


Alona Pulde: You know, I think I, I seem to remember, and I might be misquoting this, but I seem to remember reading that we as parents today, spend more time with our children than women who stayed home in the 1950s. Whoa. But we connect less with them. Actual connection. But we're spending so much time alone and to alone together.


You know, whether it's shuffling them around, but we're in our own head or we're just too tired, you know? I noticed that last night I was playing a game with Kylie. You know, sometimes we rotate with the girls [00:17:00] and uh, I. I was with Kylie first and we were playing games and it was so much fun and we were laughing and having a good time.


And then I switched and it was Jordan's turn, and I was like, you know what? I'm tired. I don't wanna play more games. I just wanna veg out to a show together. And she wanted to play games and there was a cost to kind of saying, you know what? I don't have energy for that right now. Um, so just kind of noting how to, how sometimes we have, we have great opportunity to be more intentional with how we use our energy.


Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And that we can connect even in the choice to not do the initial request. We can connect around the fact that you don't have energy and she's mourning or she's sad about that. And that's okay. And the problem is, if [00:18:00] in the past we might have thought of our child sadness as our failure, our job is to keep them happy versus No, I get why you're sad.


Our job is to empathize, to be present, to give them loving attention. And if we focus on that present loving attention and empathy, I think it's much more doable. And then you can say, Hey. It's not that I don't care about you, it's not that I don't want to hang out with you, it's that I don't have the energy.


I'd love to connect with you in a different way. Yeah, playing games is one of many ways. 


Alona Pulde: Yeah. 


Matthew Lederman: So the last one of the three is line Living a Life your kids can respect and imitate and something you'd be proud of them for doing so shift your focus from managing their schedules to modeling a meaningful life.


That to me is exciting. Okay, let's model how I want to show up and for you to see what caring for myself, for and for you looks like. Not just giving everything I can until I absolutely can't move anymore. [00:19:00] So what kind of parents do I want to be? Not just do 


Alona Pulde: that is so important. I think of my mother when we were growing up, who did?


Was ev, you know, did everything for us. She greatly sacrificed herself and her identity to care for her children. And what she modeled was that in order to be a good parent, you needed to be a super mom. You didn't have your own needs. What, what kind of good parent has their own needs. It's about your kids.


And so there's that internal critic that forever will sit in my head, uh, when I take some time to myself, oh, you know, that's selfish. The kids are home. I. Or you know, that's selfish. If you got something done now you'd have more time when the kids do get home, you know? [00:20:00] And so, yeah, I think that's so important that you model for your children balance you model for your children agency.


Matthew Lederman: You model for your children boundaries around your needs. Yes. With care. Yes. And that it's okay to have needs and that they should also check in with you. About your needs as much as you should check in with them around theirs. Yes. Not that you have to meet each other's needs all the time, but you can care about them.


Alona Pulde: Yes. 


Matthew Lederman: And to me, part of this align is, you know, also figuring out what part of me needs reviving, what part of me needs to be resourced again, what would I do this week if I weren't just living out of obligation or doing what I think a good parent should do? How would I, how would I do things? Your child doesn't need you at every game.


They need you to see you living a life that lights you up. And my guess is every child, if you ask them, be at every game, mom or dad, [00:21:00] but be, you know, run down and short-tempered, or be at every other game and be fully resourced and excited to be there. And connected and present and, and with calm, patient loving energy at all times.


Now, just because you go to every other game doesn't mean you're gonna have that ex those extremes, but do you see the difference how that would feel? I 


Alona Pulde: absolutely do, and I'm chuckling to myself because I remember, um, this was, uh, in the fall when the girls did three different shows. And at the end of those shows, there were, 'cause each show has each, uh, cast that they're in has two different shows at the end.


So there were six shows to attend and we, I remember telling the girls, Hey, you know, dad and I are gonna come to one show and each cast we're not gonna come to all six. And they were [00:22:00] shocked because in the past we came to every single one 


Matthew Lederman: and it's the same show. 


Alona Pulde: And it's the same exact show. 


Matthew Lederman: And I'm sitting there by show four and I'm like, if I have to see this show one more time, I'm gonna kill myself.


Alona Pulde: Yes. 


Matthew Lederman: And then, and then we still go to shows five and six. Yes. So we got smart and it was hard. I mean, we're, we're, as much as we're teachers, we're also students. We're trying to, this is not easy stuff. 


Alona Pulde: Right. 


Matthew Lederman: Especially when you have inner critics like I have. And you, him. 


Alona Pulde: Oh, wait, so the story gets better.


Oh, so then I, you know, first the girls were a little bit shocked, but we got to a good place after, you know, a conversation around why we're going to see three, not all six, I. And, um, or one of each, I told my mother, oh, we're only gonna go see one of each. What? I'll go see the other ones. And she saw all six.


And so, yes. So the inner critic is loud. 


Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And then your mom is modeling something that your inner critics point to and say, why aren't you more like her? [00:23:00] 


Alona Pulde: Oh, yeah. My, our kids call my mom. T TA came to every one of our shows. Mom, you only came to one of each. 


Matthew Lederman: Oh boy. 


Alona Pulde: Yes. So, exactly. 


Matthew Lederman: And then that's your work to do around how to navigate that.


Absolutely. Versus try to avoid that discomfort by going to every show and then creating a whole different type of discomfort that the kids pay for. And if the kids knew how costly it was for you to go to every show. They would say, don't do it. It's not worth it. 


Alona Pulde: That's what I said. I said, when you live with ta, I'll come to every one of your shows too.


Matthew Lederman: I, yeah, 


Alona Pulde: exactly. When they don't have to do the other stuff. So when I don't have to do the other stuff, I'll happily come to each of your shows. I see. So if you've been listening to us for a while, you know, we get a lot of. Questions about what to do in tricky parenting or relationship moments. 


Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And if, if I'm being real, I'm asking alone those same questions all the time.


I get into those same tricky moments as everybody else [00:24:00] does. And as much as we wish we could be there for each other in those exact moments, we just can't always be. 


Alona Pulde: Yeah. That's why we partnered with amazing team at Connection to create something. We truly believe in an AI coach called Amari. And we didn't just lend our names, we helped build it and train it and brought in everything we've learned about emotional healing, connection, and communication.


Matthew Lederman: Yeah, we spent years training and learning, and we've created Amari who is so calm and grounded. Listens deeply and responds with warmth, clarity, and compassion. There's no judgment, no reactivity. In fact, we tasked our children with trying to get Amari reactive and they still haven't succeeded. It's just steady support when you need it most.


I. 


Alona Pulde: We use it ourselves all the time, especially when we feel stuck or overwhelmed. And Amari's really helped us pause, reflect, given us [00:25:00] insight that helps us come back to each other. 


Matthew Lederman: Yeah, we designed Amari to help you strengthen the relationships that matter most, starting with the one you have with yourself.


Alona Pulde: And we are so excited that you can try it now@webeparents.com and click on we be connecting with a K to sign up. And when you have your Amari moment, please let us know as we'd love to hear about it.


So I just kind of wanna go over that again. So it's acknowledged, it's recognized that we're living in a society that validates and supports and encourages, um, burnout and productivity and efficiency and multitasking. And so it is not you that is falling short. It's a system that has fallen short release, letting go of the traditional roles or the traditional judgments around [00:26:00] roles.


A parent needs to be there at all times and align. Live a life that your kids model, a life that your kids can respect and, uh, 


Matthew Lederman: you'd want them to imitate. 


Alona Pulde: Yeah, and imitate. 


Matthew Lederman: Exactly. So there's small steps because I think a lot of people will listen to this and say, yeah, it makes sense, but how do I actually do this?


And there's, here's a few things that people can try, which is say no once, just give it a shot. You are not gonna completely damage. You know, if this doesn't work for you, you can always go back to doing every, you know, all six shows, you know, stay. Say one tournament, one late night project, one of your shoulds.


Just say no and see how it feels. See what happens. 


Alona Pulde: And even if the no is uncomfortable, get expansive. After my mom saw those six shows, she understood why I don't wanna go see six shows. And so now each, each of their, once the cast has the show, they have two of the same performances. [00:27:00] My mom goes to the earlier one and we go to the later one.


So we got to say no. But the yes in that was, oh, and Todd's gonna come to the first one, so there will be someone supporting you. You know, so getting creative, um, partnering with if, if you're on a sports team with a another parent and saying, Hey, I'll take this game and root for my kids and yours, and you take the next one and do the same for us.


Matthew Lederman: Exactly, and, and then also when you're saying no, we share the yes behind the no, which is, it's not that I don't care about you, and so it's easy to say no or it's easy for someone to hear a no when they receive your care with that. So if they get your care and they get the yes behind the no, which is basically what am I need in my meeting by not doing what you just asked, all of a sudden it makes it much easier to swallow.


Yes, here's nothing you can try, which is claim. One hour block, one hour for yourself with no guilt and [00:28:00] just give it a shot. Protect it like it's an event for your child because we're good at protecting other people as particularly our children. But when it comes to self-care, we don't wanna hold those appointments as as firmly.


Alona Pulde: I. I'm gonna add the caveat to that, that that hour is technology free. It's not you sifting through your phone or checking your emails or doing more work or folding 


Matthew Lederman: laundry. 


Alona Pulde: Folding laundry, exactly. It's time where you do something that you truly enjoy. Get outside, get do something created. Do something that lights you up.


Matthew Lederman: Yeah, so say no. Once claim one hour change, the conversation is number three, which is on the next car. I'd ask your child who they are becoming, not just what they're doing, really get to their values, their needs, connect to them so that they start learning this, this new way of how of, of connecting to how we show up.


Not just, what did you do? [00:29:00] What did you do? How, how is this person doing? What are they doing for me? 


Alona Pulde: Yeah. So they're not just defined by accomplishments. I like that. And when you said that, I, it made me even reflect on how I don't connect to that. But yes, that narrative is very prominent in my thinking.


You are defined by what you do, not who you are. Yeah. 


Matthew Lederman: Number four would be plan a partner, pause, put one thing on the calendar that nurtures your relationship. Yes. So important. And it's not just about court, you know, getting together and coordinating carpool. It's about doing something meaningful. And it's not about just time together, it's about connection time.


Work comes up for you around connection time and, and some things that we do. 


Alona Pulde: Definitely something that I think is important, and I think it's not only important for us, that's an important piece to model to the kids as well, that [00:30:00] our relationship needs tending to, whether it's my relationship with them or my relationship with you, and so that they start, you know, gaining that perspective as well.


Matthew Lederman: Yeah, it's really important they see the care of the other person. And I think that was missing for, you know, my mom and dad were all about the children. They never modeled caring for each other and prioritizing that and saying no, and having a boundary around how much they contribute to us to make space for the relationship.


So it almost implied that the relationship didn't matter. And you want the kids to see how much that relationship matters, not only because of your relationship and the importance of that, but when they have relationships, you want them to model the same. 


Alona Pulde: Yeah. And, and even if they think it matters, it matters because it's helpful, because it's transactional, because you have a, a partner to, uh, spread the workload [00:31:00] versus No, this is a really loving, caring relationship.


I. 


Matthew Lederman: So those are just some quick things people can try at home, but just to start giving yourself the chance. 'cause some people might be scared and be like, oh my God, what's gonna happen? So give yourself a chance, give it a, give it a little shot here. You got nothing to lose.


Host: No skills to pro skills.


Alona Pulde: So let's give an example. What does that look like with no skills? 


Matthew Lederman: So what does this look like in everyday life? Uh, without, without that tool that we talked about, just sort of showing up it, parents will feel like machines instead of humans. I think that's a, we're just getting things done. We're just, just what's next?


Autopilot, autopilot. Resentment bubbles. Just [00:32:00] under the surface. There's a lot of resentment and it's, and we sometimes we can suppress it. But it's there, uh, identities shrink to a list of, of tasks. So who are we? Where are these people that get these tasks done? Uh, relationships become logistical and lifeless.


You lose that heart space that, that real felt experience of, of being present with someone else because you're just in your head and, and body just getting things done. And kids may start to feel there, a source of pressure instead of joy. Yeah. It, it's such a sad thing, but kids don't understand why are my parents stressed out and what's going on here?


What is it us? And in a way it's, they, they could easily think about that, that it's them. The parents are, oh, I gotta do this and I gotta do this, and then this, and you need this. And don't ask me for one more thing. When we lose our basket a little bit, it's, it's easy for the kids to blame themselves. 


Alona Pulde: Yeah.


I was at, I actually have an example. [00:33:00] The other day I was talking to Kylie, and you know, she wants to, she's doing dance, she's doing theater. She likes softball at the park. Then now she wants to do aerials. She's like, oh, I wanna do this aerial class. I'm like, no, I. No, we're not doing aerials. And her, she took it as a personal rejection.


Why wouldn't she in the way that I said it. But you know, my resentment was, are you kidding me, kid? We already have all of these things going on. You wanna add something else to my plate? No way. And she heard, I can't take Ariels, and, 


Matthew Lederman: and she might have even heard. That it was almost inconsiderate to ask for one more thing.


Yes. 


Alona Pulde: And you know, I had to backtrack that, and here it is with pro skills 


Matthew Lederman: all. So we're now we're flipping the pro skills. The no skills is just no kid. What? Are you kidding me? 


Alona Pulde: Exactly. Are you kidding? Don't I do enough? Don't we have this and this and [00:34:00] this? Now you want one more thing? And the pro skills is one, taking a breath, you know, planting my feet on the ground and giving myself some empathy.


Ooh, I'm feeling tired. I need a little bit more time and space for myself, and this is adding one more thing to my plate. So let me connect to her around that, Hey, we have all these other things going on. I hear how excited you are about this and I'm actually excited for you. This is cool. But I am really struggling with capacity to find that time, so, so there's care, there's empathy, but there's also agency and advocacy for where I'm coming from.


And then getting creative. Are there other strategies? Could somebody else take you? Could you carpool with a friend? 


Matthew Lederman: Could we shift activities? Can we, yes. You know, how important is it to do it this season versus next season? I think that's the key with the [00:35:00] tool. You know, parents are creating that space like you did to rest and breathe and be, and check in with your values, not be, don't respond and react to guilt.


That's reactivity. Really connect to your values, what needs, and you have needs to care and contribute for the children. You want peace of mind, they're gonna be okay, but you also have your own needs. And we sort of, ah, we'll we'll deal with those later. Let's just, let's, and the guilt fuels that. 


Alona Pulde: Yes. And not every one of their wants has to be, um, addressed immediately.


I like how you said that, and that's a really great point is, hey, maybe we focus on these activities now and then I. Next semester we, we shift, 


Matthew Lederman: right? Another thing that's a sign is not only, you know, uh, collaborating or, or working with as a team with the children, but how to meet all the needs, but to make sure that your identity [00:36:00] is really solid around, here's how I wanna show up as a parent.


It includes my needs. Here's how I'm prioritizing our relationship, my relationship. I can't show up to my relationship with my partner if I'm exhausted. I can't show up to my relationship with the kids if I'm exhausted. My, my identity includes passions and dreams beyond parenting and beyond their activities.


Do I see that in the moment? I can't connect to that in the moment. It means to me pause. You don't have to say yes or no. Don't rush to say yes or no to the request. Connect to this stuff first. 


Alona Pulde: Yeah, I love that. And you know what I was thinking as you were saying that, you know, there's the soccer mom and the drama dad and the whatever, but even all of a sudden I thought, wow, I can see why.


Not that I plan on changing this anytime soon, but I can see why some parents like to be referred by their first name, not mom and dad. I am [00:37:00] defined as mom. They, some, they often, well, I'll say sometimes forget that behind mom is Alonna, who is a person that is more than just their mom. 


Matthew Lederman: I like that. I like that.


So we're gonna have them start calling us by our, 


Alona Pulde: like I said, I'm not, I'm not about to change it right now, but I, at first, you know, for not until this very moment did I understand there's value in that. As well. You are math, not dad. 


Matthew Lederman: Well, I've already taken care of that. When I'm alone with him, I told 'em they have to call me Dr.


Letterman. 


Alona Pulde: Oh. 


Matthew Lederman: So that's, they have to 


Alona Pulde: call me or Highness. But we don't say that out loud now 


Matthew Lederman: or alone. We're a good when we're alone with them. 


Alona Pulde: Yes. 


Matthew Lederman: Oh man. But the key is to the kids grow up seeing a parent who lives with intention. Yes. Not exhaustion. 


Alona Pulde: Yes. Yeah. And who has agency? Yeah. And who prioritizes self-care.


I mean, all these things that are so important [00:38:00] for their wellbeing, not just as uh, parents, but even, you know, heading off on their own, heading off to college. Having that skillset is, brings tremendous value. 


Matthew Lederman: It'll help all their future relationships. Yes, romantic and platonic.


Host: Bringing it home.


Matthew Lederman: So let's, let's bring it home. Let's bring it home. With skills or without skills. 


Alona Pulde: Hopefully with skills. 


Matthew Lederman: Alright? As often as we can with skills, bring it home with skills. So explain it, invite it, model it, and practice it. So explaining it to your children. Tell them the truth. We're learning how to take care of ourselves better as a family.


Me, you know, me and mom, we showed up and we're doing some things really well and we're struggling in other areas. Just own it. With vulnerability, it means we may start doing fewer things, we may do things differently, but what we do do will be done with [00:39:00] more joy. That's our goal. And when you explain that the goal is to have more joy, more presence, more energy, who's not gonna want that?


I think a lot of kids don't realize the cost and impact and if they really connected to the cost and impact without feeling shame or guilt on their end, I think they would care about that. 


Alona Pulde: Yes. Jordan was making cookies for you today while you and Kylie were upstairs playing Yazi, and she looks over at me, the gall of this child, and she says.


Can you believe it? They're upstairs playing Zi while I'm baking cookies and I'm thinking to myself, kid. Who are you talking to? The mom was sitting there making dinner while you're playing with your sister upstairs. Exactly. So it was so funny, but it was so real. And yes, 


Matthew Lederman: she finally saw, she connected.


She connected. Yes. And that's what I'm saying. When the kids can connect to that, all of a sudden they [00:40:00] see things differently. Yeah. It's not that they don't care. 


Alona Pulde: Yes. 


Matthew Lederman: So they, they had not connected to those experiences, those values, those needs, yeah. 


Alona Pulde: Oh, she didn't connect to me on that one. I didn't, I failed to make that point.


You didn't make the point to her. I should. Oh, and here you go. No, I'm thinking that in my own head. Oh. But yes, yes. No, I, she, she connected to that in herself, and I'm thinking to myself. Seriously, the gall of the child. 


Matthew Lederman: Oh, I see, I see. To 


Alona Pulde: be talking to me about that. 


Matthew Lederman: Go talk to your father. If you're in home.


He is the one always playing. And then in the next step, so explain it, invite it from your children. Ask them, do you ever feel like you're doing too much? And this would be a perfect example here. Remember when you were making cookies and everybody else was playing? 


Alona Pulde: Mm-hmm. 


Matthew Lederman: How'd that feel for you? Was that a joyful contribution?


You know, if dad was asking you to make cookies every night, would you still do that? Okay. Maybe that's too much. So you like to make cookies once a week. Oh, okay. So that's what meets your needs for caring for you and for dad. I. 


Alona Pulde: Yeah. 


Matthew Lederman: Perfect. So you [00:41:00] see that's what we have to do with all of our activities, not just the cookies.


We wanna care for you, we wanna care for me, we wanna care for everybody. So this way we're showing them that rest and choice are all part of healthy growth. 


Alona Pulde: Absolutely. 


Matthew Lederman: And then there's model it. So we explain it, we invite it from the children, Hey, let's, let's help them really get it. And then modeled it.


Hey, let's, let's let them see you read a book. Let them see you go for a walk or de say no to something with a lot of care and, and consideration. Without an apology, though it's not, oh, I'm so sorry. I just can't, A lot of times people are okay saying no. If they're depleted where they say, I physically can't, it's not their choice to say no.


Mm-hmm. They can't do it. They would if they could. No, no say. It's not that I, I'm, I'm choosing to say no, because I'm also choosing to say yes to this other need over here that's sharing the yes behind the no, and then giving them the care and the compassion. If they feel disappointed or sad, that's okay.


So modeling it for them, your boundaries, teach them how to create their own. [00:42:00] And then perhaps that's a 


Alona Pulde: really big, uh, a big point to make is that maintaining boundaries. Will be upsetting to people, especially when they're not used to having those boundaries. And your job as a parent is not to keep your kids happy.


It's wonderful when that's, you know, when they are happy and we can all celebrate that. But that is not our job. 


Matthew Lederman: Exactly. It's not our job. So then we're gonna practice it. We're gonna get clear about this intention. We're gonna get clear on how we're gonna communicate and we're gonna practice it.


Designate a nothing day, once a month, for example. And that's, you know, stay in pajamas, eat breakfast for dinner, let boredom happen. Oh my God, what are we gonna do when we don't have something to do? Show that connection doesn't require performance. So really practice that experience of, hey, it's okay to not fill every minute, [00:43:00] and mom and dad could do more, but they're choosing to do less because they're gonna care for themselves or for their relationship.


Alona Pulde: I love that. 


Matthew Lederman: So explain it, invite it, model it, and practice it. Just one last thing. What's the one last thing we're gonna leave people with? 


Alona Pulde: We're not meant to run on empty, to prove our love for our children. And I think the best thing that we can do for our kids is model, being alive, finding joy, really living our experience.


Matthew Lederman: Thanks everybody for listening. We'd love for you to rate and review the podcast. That really helps us get the word out. And supports us. Thank you for that. Please share your stories, your questions, your thoughts and comments. We just love hearing from everybody. You can email us at parents@webetogether.com.


Thanks again for listening. 


Alona Pulde: Thanks [00:44:00] everyone.