Ep. 32 - Letters: Parenting on Empty

💥 You’re Not Just Tired — You’re Disappearing 💥

😮‍💨 Ever feel like you're running a taxi service instead of living your life? This week, Matt & Alona dive into the raw truth so many parents are living: we're parenting on empty — and it’s breaking more than just our energy. This isn’t about self-care bubbles or spa days. It’s about reclaiming your identity, your marriage, and your worth before it all vanishes beneath your kid’s schedule.

🔥 Panic attacks in parking lots. Marriages reduced to logistics. Parents who can’t even remember what they like anymore. These stories will hit hard because they’re real — and possibly yours:

• Melissa had a panic attack before a soccer game and realized she'd lost herself in the carpool chaos. Her healing started with one “no” at a time.
• Tom and Vanessa were nothing more than “Uber Parents” until they booked one night away. That micro-shift became the rhythm that saved their marriage.
• Mark said yes to every team and clinic for his son, only to realize both of them were burning out — and his son was starting to hate it all.

Have a Kinectin Account? Explore these Nudges to see how they apply to your own life — in a way only Amari can.

Nudges: 

I don’t know who I am anymore. Every moment of my day is for my kids, and if I had free time, I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with it. That scares me.

We give our kids everything… except us. My partner and I are running on fumes. How do we reconnect when romance and laughter feel like distant memories?

I thought saying yes to every opportunity was love. But I’m exhausted, and my kid seems to hate it too. What if love means doing less?

What is Amari? webe Parents has partnered with Kinectin to bring you Amari, your personal AI coach. Now you can interact with the ideas from our podcasts, articles, and parenting tips — and Amari will help you apply them directly to your personal life.

To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Transcript

Hey there, we'd love for you to hit that subscribe button. By subscribing,

you're helping us spread the word and connect with more amazing people like you.

- Welcome to We Be Parents, where parent doctors Matthew Letterman and Alona Polde

explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer

together.

- Welcome back to We Be parents, where we have honest conversations about the messy,

beautiful, and often overwhelming journey of raising kids. Hi,

I'm Dr. Alona Polde. Hi, I'm Dr. Matthew Letterman. In our last episode,

we cracked open a truth that many parents feel, but don't say aloud,

that over commitment, the burnout, the way our entire lives can start revolving

around our kids' activities and how we're allowed to say enough. Today we're going

deeper. If you've ever wondered who you are beneath the hustle or felt like you're

disappearing inside the schedule, you're not alone. And before we jump in,

please don't forget to subscribe. Every week we are tackling the emotional heart of

parenting, and by subscribing, you're helping us get the word out there and

supporting our work. So, thank you for that. Indeed. Thank you very much. Okay.

So, in our last episode, we talked about how you're not failing as a parent just

because you take a little bit of time for yourself, but rather we're living inside

a system that demands too much, a system that rewards burnout, that rewards super

moms, super dads, efficiency, productivity, what you do, not who you are,

and one that defines a good parent by how much you're doing for your kids.

We reframed the ARA approach and talked about acknowledging,

releasing, and aligning. Matt, do you want to give a little summary of each of

those? Yeah, the ARA approach is first acknowledging that it's a systemic issue.

It's not you. It's how often we are brought up and the culture around us about

defining what a good parent is. And it rewards burnout and calls that good

parenting. So that's the acknowledge. And there's the release. Release is letting go,

letting go of the roles that are weighing you down and releasing the beliefs that

keep you trapped. Beliefs like a good parent never misses a moment or a child will

fall behind if we say no. Releasing your self -worth from being attached to what you

do and how you show up and that your self -worth as a parent is around your

values, not the tasks that you accomplish, and then the align. So align is living a

life that your kids can respect and imitate, shifting your focus for managing their

schedules to modeling a meaningful life, letting them see the parent you want to

show up as, not what you accomplish, but again, how you show up so that they can

then see that, and You know how you're being not what you're doing.

I love that. Yeah, and and really this approach is a mindset shift One that can

really help parents almost give them permission to step off the hamster wheel and

Reclaim their life their purpose their relationship their partnership So we invited

the audience to do something counterintuitive, to let go, let go of expectations,

societal expectations, expectations of themselves, and even the expectations of their

children, and really kind of find that balance between caring for children and caring

for themselves and caring for their partnership. Yeah, and letting go of the idea of

perfection as even a possible outcome, letting go of pressure, letting go of the

belief that exhaustion equals love, and that if you have more gas in the tank,

you should use it, and that the only time you can take a break is when you're

physically unable to do more. Correct. Today, we're going to hear stories sung from

families who have successfully implemented the ARA and what they're sharing,

and then from those who are still struggling to find that balance.

Headlines and heartlines.

So, to start with the headlines and heartlines, I like these, the real emotional and

powering stories that show you what it looks like to live and break free of this

trap of over commitment in this case. - Yeah, from burnout to boundaries.

- This is number one. - Story number one. - Yes, do it. - Melissa, Melissa was at

every game, every tournament, every fundraiser, until one Saturday she had a panic

attack in the car before a match. That was her wake -up call. Instead of quitting

cold turkey, She started making one change a week, trading carpools, saying no to

optional events, claiming her Sunday mornings back. The guilt didn't disappear

overnight, but the fog did. Now she cheers when she can and rests when she needs,

and I love that last portion. She cheers when she can because she rested when she

needed to, and so Many of us find that in not resting when we need to,

it's so hard to cheer.

That Melissa stopped waiting for life to collapse as her director of what she does

and doesn't do.

When you listen to the whispers before they come screams,

magic happens in your life. And you get to really not only enjoy your life more,

but enjoy watching your kids experience their own life more versus you have

sacrificed so much of yourself that then there's resentment that the kids are living

this amazing life and here you are driving them around for it.

You live vicariously through them and forget to live yourself. Yeah, as long as they

have an amazing life, I'll worry about mine when they're off in college. Yes. If

you make it that far, you know, it's to me, this is the acknowledge and the

release in action. Acknowledging her breaking point, releasing the myth that presence

means perfection, and just, it's so empowering when you start doing that.

And it's not that she stopped supporting our children, But just making that new

space is just fantastic. Just deciding that, "Hey, I'm going to set an intention to

care for my needs, too. There's all this energy in you. There's all these parts of

you that have been screaming for attention and support. There's little kids inside

all of us that want to be cared for, too." Yes. So success story number two.

I love this one, the couple who reclaimed their marriage. So Tom and Vanessa hadn't

had a real conversation in months. Their lives revolved around their daughter's

competitive dance schedule. One night they looked at each other and realized they'd

become glorified Uber driver. Uber dad. So they did something wild.

They booked a hotel one town over and left grandma in charge. That one night turned

into a new rhythm monthly check -ins, a no dance talk dinner rule,

and eventually, daynights again.

Yes. Ooh, I love that story, and it's such a great reminder.

They didn't wait for their daughter to need less. They decided they needed more,

and they took that permission to protect their partnership, and I think that's so

important. And I really believe that kids thrive

when marriages thrive. - Exactly, your kids will thrive when your connection thrives.

- Yes.

So if you've been listening to us for a while, you know, we get a lot of

questions about what to do in tricky parenting or relationship moments. - Yeah,

Yeah, and if I'm being real, I'm asking a loaner those same questions all the time

I get into those same tricky moments as everybody else does as much as we wish we

could be there for each other in those exact moments We just can't always be yeah

That's why we partnered with the amazing team at Connection to create something we

truly believe in an AI coach called Amari And we didn't just lend our names.

We helped build it and train it and brought in everything we've learned about

emotional healing, connection and communication. - Yeah, we've spent years training and

learning and we've created Amari who's so calm and grounded,

listens deeply and responds with warmth, clarity and compassion. There's no judgment,

no reactivity. In fact, we tasked our children with trying to get Amari reactive and

they still haven't succeeded. It's just steady support when you need it most. - We

use it ourselves all the time, especially when we feel stuck or overwhelmed. And

Amaris really helped us pause, reflect, given us insight that helps us come back to

each other. - Yeah, we designed Amari to help you strengthen the relationships that

matter most, - Starting with the one you have with yourself. - And we are so excited

that you can try it now at webeparents .com and click on We Be Connected with a K

to sign up. And when you have your Amari moment, please let us know as we'd love

to hear about it.

- So I like the, We started with the success stories, we'll jump into some challenge

stories. Some challenge stories, okay. Our first challenge story, I don't know who I

am anymore, boy, can I relate to that. Samantha wrote in to tell us, "I haven't

read a book for myself in over a year. I used to love painting, hiking,

writing, but now every waking moment belongs to my kid's schedules. And the scary

part, I'm not even sure what I do if I had free time. It's amazing how often I

see that in talking to parents or coaching parents. There are a lot of complaints

around being so busy and immersed in their children's schedules, but when you ask

them, "Well, what would you do with your free time?" I don't know. Or they go on

a date night and they talk about the kids' schedules. So I love that Tom and

Vanessa, it was a no dance dinner. There was no dance talk during their dinner.

They're not sharing celebrations about their daughter when their daughter isn't there

and they have an opportunity to focus on each other. And that is where that really

amplifies how our identities get lost in these experiences where we do live for our

children. Yeah, and one of the key ingredients for depression is not knowing what

your needs are. So it's so important to know what your needs are, what excites you,

what interests you, and then it's important as well to start taking action to meet

some of those needs. But the first step is even knowing what those are. and so

many people we work with, when you ask them what are your needs, they can't tell

you, what would you love? Oof, can I think they need permission to even think that

way? - Right, one is connecting to their own needs, then it's turning off the inner

critic that is guilting them or shaming them. How could you do that?

How could you choose yourself over your children? Children selfish to have needs now.

Why did you have children if you're not going to prioritize them? Yeah, and then at

every moment. Yeah, and then a lot of us had Parents that didn't support us in the

way we want so we go to the extreme to not be like them and we wind up hurting

ourselves And ultimately hurting our children when we show up in that way. Yes all

with good intention and we model That same pathway for them.

They don't learn balance. They don't learn to connect to their own needs They don't

learn what it means to Care have their needs met and have care for themselves,

but also care for others in a relationship Yeah, it's just so important and it and

it's a little counterintuitive But it's just so important. I'm I'm working with some

parents now and There's this one couple They so want to just be there and be the

everything for their their young child and The child has essentially learned that I

can get what I want I don't have to listen to what they have to say They're gonna

be there all the time, even when they say they're not gonna do something, they're

gonna wind up doing it anyway. And then they wonder why the child is showing up

that way. And I'm like, based on your actions, that's what they've learned.

So if you want the child to show up differently, which I believe is very important,

if you want them to be a successful member of society, then you gotta show up

differently. It doesn't matter what you say, it matters what you model. Oh, I found

myself in that situation, oh, so often, where I think, you know, I hear my jackal

judgments, my kids are so entitled, how do they go around thinking that they're the

only thing that matters in this world? And then I think, well, that's how I'm

raising that, to think they're the only thing that matters in this world. And so

the opportunity is really mine as well as theirs. And part of that is modeling to

them something different. But it's uncomfortable at the beginning. As I imagine it

would be for Samantha. It's uncomfortable to create boundaries when boundaries didn't

exist before. Exactly. And for Samantha, I would say it's not about doing another

activity. That's the next step. It's silence. It's stillness. It's a small reclaiming

of the self. Get back to yourself. Even 15 minutes can make a huge difference

because we go through the day and then at the end of the day, can you say, "Hey,

did I take time for myself?" And to be able to remember that 15 -minute break at

the end of the day is so important. And I think most parents, if they ask

themselves, They get to the end of the day and they're just exhausted and thanking

God that they made made it through the day Now imagine if you could reflect and if

maybe that's a challenge for people Including Samantha. Can you at the end of every

night? remember at least one 15 minute break where you were still and and silent

and not worried about Accomplishing anything and just checking in with your body and

your heart. And remember that for the every day. And at the end of the day, remind

yourself what that was like. - And I like also the idea of if it's available to

you to get creative around strategies to meet the needs. You know, sometimes it's

hard to let go of all the activities that the kids are involved in. But is there

a community that you can lean on? Are there other parents that you can exchange

carpools with? Are there things that your kids are willing to give? So hey kids, if

we do this activity, everybody's helping to make dinner when we get home. And I'm

taking a 15 minute break after or I'll make dinner and you guys wash the dishes or

you know, whatever that is where you're not the end all be all in all moments. I

like it. All right, what's uh what's the next challenge? So this is from Mark who

said I've said yes to everything for my son. Every travel team, every summer clinic,

but I'm depleted and my son he's starting to hate it. I thought I was doing the

right thing and now I'm not sure who I was and who I was trying to impress.

And you know, Mark's story hits a deep nerve. So many of us confuse this over

commitment with devotion. But sometimes love looks like restraint,

which I think again, is counterintuitive, like helping our kids not be over

scheduled. Mark's job now to me would be to release the pressure align with presence

over performance, Presence over performance, start with presence and then connect to

your child after you connect to yourself, care for each other, identify needs,

and then make sure whatever strategies you pursue are holding all of those needs,

not some at the expense of others. That's a really important cost that I don't

think that we addressed and in our last episode either, but this is a really

important one that in your desire to over commit and be everything for your

children, you're over committing your children and they don't like it. You know, I

was remembering a friend whose child was in soccer and it was,

life became soccer to the point, the girl really loved it at the beginning. And by

the end, there were tournaments and games and she was on two leagues and she

started hating soccer. She didn't want to do it anymore. And that was not a result

of not liking the sport, but of being over committed to it. So that's a really

important cost to keep in mind as well. We have some additional letters from our

listeners. And letters from our listeners is more questions versus these stories,

which I always enjoy starting with the stories to get some of the pleasant

celebrations and also some of the challenges just so we can relate. Yeah, and some

of the learnings and opportunities that we still have. Have you had any experiences

this past week or two? So yeah, just recently I had that episode with Kylie where,

you know, she's already committing to so many activities And then she wanted one

more and finding myself getting mad at her for even asking in a way that I'm going

to have to say no. And now I'm a bad guy. I'm falling short. So absolutely.

Yeah, that's the challenge for me when there are little requests that seem reasonable

and saying no before I've run out of gas to be able to say,

"Oh, you know what, even something, this is not activities, but at night there's

this, what about this and just this and can you just do that and what about this?"

And now I go in and I tell them how many just one more things I have left in

me. I'll say, "Okay, I got three, can you just do this?" And then I'm like at

that point, I don't want to do any more, even if the fourth one is super super

easy. So, we sort of set and manage the expectations around it. That's been helpful

for me. The activities and the work,

I definitely have opportunity there. Yeah. All right. Let's share some letters from

our listeners. Here's question number one. If I say no, am I holding them back?

My daughter just got invited to join a travel softball team. It's a huge deal,

but I'm already working overtime and we barely get time together as a family. If I

say no, am I limiting her potential? Oof, that's a good question,

one that hits us right in the core. Am I failing my child by saying no?

I think it's really important in these moments to remember that saying It doesn't

mean you're closing a door. It means you're opening a window somewhere else.

You're saying yes to something else, saying no to this. If you choose to end up

saying no to this travel softball team, you're saying yes to more family time.

Yeah. I mean, to me, a family's well -being is just as important as the child's

resume. And you've got to hold all of these needs. You got to hold the needs of

the family, the needs of the child, the needs of the parent. And we got to

collaborate as a team to hold them all, check in on all of them, and then let

strategies emerge once we're all clear and caring for those needs. Absolutely. I

think that's a really important point because maybe this travel softball team is the

team, you know, is the child's dream. And then it's, Okay, if we do this,

how do we also preserve, one, my energy and my resourcing,

as well as family time? And it's really nice to get kids involved in strategizing

together once all the knees are on the table, because maybe there's something else

his daughter is willing to give - No. - Or her daughter is willing to give up.

- Exactly, exactly. So let's do, I like this one here. How do I reconnect with

myself? - Yeah. - And that was hard. I personally, I remember play and fun.

I have this industrious sort of personality type and I want to get things done

and-- - You? - Yeah. - And be-- - Just one thing? - Exactly. I like to get a lot of

stuff time. All I could be productive. I was like, all the same time, play is a

waste of productivity time. And that was really hard for me. So how do I reconnect

with myself? And what do I like? I know you were pushing me for a long time. And

it's been such a wonderful gift in doing something like improv where there's no

reason to be doing this. It's not productive. It's not Accomplishing anything and at

the same time it's really filled me up and fueled me and and provided something But

I think for people who are have this industrious pattern Our personality type Don't

connect to so it's hard for them to value it until you compare the before and

after So for this one, how do I connect with myself, I was asking myself that too.

Hey, how do I get back to the ground there around the play?

And they wrote, I honestly don't know what I like anymore. My whole identity is mom

of three. I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted something just for me.

And this is such a common challenge. Who am I? Other than the person that makes

dinner and cares for the house and takes care of the kids or the person that works

outside the home and provides financial security and helps take care of the kids.

But how do you reconnect with yourself? Who are you? What do you value? What are

your intentions? What do you love? And to me, it's about, it's start remembering. I

remember starting to think, what did I like as a kid? And I loved joking around

and playing and humor and making up stories and

Writing so so really connect and if you can't think as an adult anymore because

you've lost touch with it Try to remember as a kid what you liked so start

remembering instead of just trying to reinvent right from the start What did you

love? Try and then try one thing this week. That's not for the kids.

Even if it feels awkward try one thing I knew that was hard for me with the

improv and leaving at night. And there was two nights where I wasn't helping put

them to bed. I wasn't, you know, they were like, dad, you're leaving us again.

Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I'm leaving you. And, you know, but it, it still

struck a little bit like it was a little hard. I was like, no, maybe I should try

and fit it in during the day when they're in school.

So again, try one thing, just start playing with how that feels. And then rebuilding

identity is not selfish. It's very important to remember that it's not selfish. It's

essential. Who you are that has nothing to do with your children is important to

rebuild. - Not just for you, but to model for your children. So yes, in our last

episode, I was commenting on how for the very first time, I recognized the value of

some parents choosing to go by their name, not mom or dad.

And I didn't understand it until just that episode thinking, wow, yeah,

that is then who I define myself as, their mom and who they see me as.

I'm mom. What's beyond mom? Nothing, she's just mom. Just mom. Yeah.

And your kids need to see who you are. Yes. They need to see that and if we

don't give them the opportunity to see it then we can't fault them for not seeing

it. Right. They need to see you shine. Absolutely. They need to see you alone to

shine. Absolutely and if you you know if you are still stuck on that internal

critic that's yelling selfish selfish selfish think about the fact that that's a

really important thing to model for your children so that they grow up with Agency

for themselves so that they can self -advocate and self -care and That's a good point

because you can ask yourself Imagine your kids showed up the way you did is That

what you would wish for them? So do you want your kids to not know what they're

needing? suppress their needs to take care of somebody else to exhaust themselves to

be so under -resourced that they will snap or be tense or even have anxiety or

panic attacks as some of our clients deal with, is that what you would want for

your children? So if that's not what you would want for them then show up the way

you in a way that you would want for them. I love that. And our last letter of

the day is our kids get everything except us. We give our kids every opportunity,

but my partner and I are running on fumes. We're great teammates, but the romance,

the laughter, it's gone. How do we get back to us? What a great question.

And I think this happens a lot, even if it's not in our awareness. We become

transactional. We become really teammates.

I love that word because that's what it is. We're on a team, kind of taking care

of these kids together, but what is between us is really sacrificed and lost.

I think in these situations, starting small is really important,

be taking, you know, making those micro connections, taking 15 minutes to just do

something separate from the kids when the kids are home and aware that you are

intentionally taking time for each other, not them,

a no phone dinner, taking a walk around the block,

sitting outside and watching a sunset. And it doesn't have to be lengthy or big,

or it doesn't even have to involve leaving the home. - Yeah, that's one of my

favorite things that you and I do is just go for a walk. And taking that time

without the kids, which sometimes offends them. If we tell them we'd like this to

be alone. But we, again, with care, and we explain the yes, behind the no, 'cause

we do a lot of walks with them, but you and me just getting to connect. Or

sometimes the other day we just sat on a bench and held hands and looked out at

people. And it was just 20 or 30 minutes of silent time together.

But our energies were co -mingling. Yes. And really, really nurturing and fueling.

Absolutely. And it's true, our kids may not like it. It's going to be a stretch

for them at the beginning when they're not used to having that boundary of,

"Yeah, you know what? It's not just all about you. I am going to not only take

time for myself, but take time for my partnership." And it will be uncomfortable

until it gets comfortable and until it becomes the norm. - And it's not even that

long. It doesn't take that much time. I think we sometimes mistake like, oh, we

gotta find time to get on this long date. It doesn't take that much time for you

and me to sit outside for 20 minutes and just people watch for a little bit on a

bench or to go for a 30 minute walk. It's not that much.

It really doesn't, it's not so much it takes time, it takes intentionality. Yeah

Yeah, I remember when you first started doing improv and then the girls would

complain dad's gone again He's gonna be gone again And now when they see the

benefit when they see how excited you are when you share your stories and bring

home Games that you play that we can all play as a family They are now seeing the

value of that time in space for yourself and they're excited for you to go and do

that. Yeah. No, I love that. So, it's also hanging in there and being patient that

when you change a process, it's going to come as a jolt to the family until it's

not. Yeah. It's like just because you stop doing something else,

if you're replacing doing, you know, adding it with this other thing, it's not like

it's just, you can't, You're not just taking away from the family. You're also

adding. So you got to see how that new thing impacts the family and often it's

this positive ripple. Yeah. I love that. And then you're showing your kids what real

love looks like in motion, not just management. It's like, this is love.

This is care for everybody. Yeah. I know you you know,

growing up in a household where you didn't see much of that. And so relationship

meant being a teammate or co -parenting.

You know, when I grew up in a house where my parents, there was a lot of love

between them, but the priority was still the children. And my dad had that same

philosophy of, oh yeah, I'll take my time when I retire. And he never made it to

retirement.

So, you know, there's, I mean, that was a significant cost that hopefully most

people will not experience, but even getting, getting lost, you know, there's the

other side of it. Once our kids go do their own thing and we're in retirement, we

don't even know how to define ourselves. We get depressed because our whole identity

is kind. A lot of people's identity is their work and their role as parents and

they've waited so long and lost all of this connection to themselves that often

they'll go back to working or helping care for other people's kids or they start

caring for grandkids. They don't know what else to do.

Just one last thing. Your Worth isn't measured in miles driven or events attended.

It's measured in presence, in peace, and how fully you are living your own life.

You don't owe your kids everything. You owe them you, fully alive, fully present,

and fully human. Wow, I love that. Your worth is measured in your presence.

Not the events that you attend, yes, yes.

- Yes, I always remember P -L -A -E, standing for the P is for presence, the L -A is

loving attention, and the E is empathy. If I'm not sure what to do with the kids,

P -L -A -E or play, present, give them loving attention and empathy.

(upbeat music) - Your experiences and feedback are valuable to us. Please email us at

parents @webeedogether .com with your own cheers and tears, as well as any questions

or stories you'd like to share. And we'd love for you to hit that subscribe button.

Bye for now.