webe Pärents
Welcome to "webe Parents" with Dr. Alona Pulde and Dr. Matthew Lederman! We're parents first, doctors second, and life coaches third, blending nutrition, lifestyle, and connection medicine with nonviolent communication to help families thrive. In each episode, we'll share our "Cheers & Tears," dive into our "Topic & Tool," go from "No Skills to Pro Skills," "Bring It Home," and wrap up with "One Last Thing." Join us as we share stories, skills, and tips to help bring your family closer together using our professional expertise.
Thanks for listening!
Dr. Matthew Lederman & Dr. Alona Pulde
webe Pärents
Ep. 33: Letting Go: If You're Holding On, You're Already Losing: Why Letting Go is the Hardest (and Most Loving) Thing a Parent Can Do
Ever felt your child slipping through your fingers as they grow? 😩 In this episode of webe Pärents, Matt & Alona tackle the brutal truth every parent faces: the only constant in parenting… is change. From outgrowing tiaras to resisting bedtime stories, this conversation dives deep into why clinging tighter is actually disconnecting us from our kids — and how letting go might be the most connected thing you can do.
💥 You’ll hear how grief is not your enemy — it’s proof of your love.
💔 Why your child might push you away on purpose just to protect their independence.
🌊 And the real reason chasing "perfect moments" will rob you of the peace you’re seeking right now.
Have a Kinectin Account? Explore these Nudges to see how they apply to your own life — in a way only Amari can.
What is Amari?
webe Pärents has partnered with Kinectin to bring you Amari, your personal AI coach. Now you can interact with the ideas from our podcasts, articles, and parenting tips — and Amari will help you apply them directly to your personal life.
To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
WBP 133 - Letting Go TT
[00:00:00]
Alona Pulde: Hey there. We'd love for you to hit that subscribe button by subscribing, you're helping us spread the word and connect with more amazing people like you.
Host: Welcome to we Be Parents, where parent doctors, Matthew Lederman and alone pull day, explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together.
Alona Pulde: Well, welcome to Webe parents, where we explore the wild, beautiful, and sometimes bewildering journey of parenting. I'm Dr. Pol Day. Hi, I'm Dr. Matthew Lederman. Today we are diving into a, a topic that resonates with us and we hope will resonate with you as well, how to make peace with the fact that the only constant in parenting is change.
Matthew Lederman: But before we get into that, please don't forget to subscribe These conversations stir something in you. If they help you feel a little more grounded. A little less alone. [00:01:00] Subscribe to wee be parents. Let's keep growing, reflecting, and sometimes laughing through this parenting journey together than
Alona Pulde: laughing.
Matthew Lederman: Yes. Often laughing.
Alona Pulde: Mm-hmm.
Matthew Lederman: Parenting is better when we're laughing.
Alona Pulde: Yes.
Matthew Lederman: Usually you're laughing at me, but that's okay.
Alona Pulde: That is so true.
Matthew Lederman: Alright, so when was the first time you realized. Your kids were not babies anymore.
Alona Pulde: Oh boy. Do I remember when they would not wear any more of their princess dresses. They were too cool for school.
Alona Pulde: They would wear them all the time and Disney princess shirts, and they would wear the tiaras. And then one day it was just, yeah, that's not cool anymore, mom.
Matthew Lederman: You were happy and I was, I mean, you were upset and I was happy. 'cause those things were so nasty. They were so, oh my
Alona Pulde: God. I was devastated. My little girls, my little princesses don't wanna be princesses anymore.
Matthew Lederman: Oh my God. I'm like, I remember Bell's dress having like dirt and schmutts all over the
Alona Pulde: Oh my
Matthew Lederman: gosh. But that's, and it was adorable. Oh my [00:02:00] God. It was, yes, it was adorable. Yes. If you're into that. No, that's, I, I do, it was a sad. Then they're like, yeah, I don't want that anymore, dad.
Alona Pulde: Yeah. Yeah. Parenting is kind of like that, right?
Alona Pulde: You think you're steering the ship, but really you are just there for the ride. And when you realize that you're just there for the ride, it's uh, it's uh, it hits you.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And it's like, can you just enjoy that ride? And, you know, even when the scenery keeps changing, can you enjoy it?
Alona Pulde: Well, that's what we're gonna talk about today.
Alona Pulde: So here's the paradox of parenting. We spend years pouring our love, our energy, our hearts into raising our children. And if we do it well, they eventually leave. They grow up, they become their own people. And yet so often, and I have definitely been, uh, you know, I've definitely done this, we resist that we wish for the past or we rush toward a [00:03:00] future where we think things are gonna feel easier.
Alona Pulde: But what if the greatest act of parenting isn't holding on tighter? It's learning to loosen our grip while keeping our hearts open.
Matthew Lederman: So letting go and trusting that every new step, every new phase is gonna be something beautiful in of itself.
Alona Pulde: Absolutely. Trusting, accepting, coming to it with curiosity.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. I remember actually having this conversation with my mom when I was going off to college, and she was really upset and she was crying and, and saying that I didn't need her anymore. And I remember saying to her, it's not that I don't need you anymore, I just need you in a different way. And she said that that was really helpful.
Alona Pulde: Oh, I'm sure. I felt that in my own heart because I think that hits one of the biggest fears is they don't need us anymore. Yeah. [00:04:00] But. In the same way that they are constantly changing and it doesn't get harder or easier. It just gets different. They need us, but they need us. Exactly. I
Matthew Lederman: don't need her to tell me to bring a jacket anymore.
Matthew Lederman: I can do that. Now that I'm in college, I. But she actually came out when I, my freshman year, first semester, and I was really homesick and didn't find my friend group yet. And she spent a weekend and we were talking, I was thinking of transferring to another school.
Alona Pulde: Oh, wow.
Matthew Lederman: And she came and really helped me.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And it was a totally different way that I needed her, but it was really valuable.
Alona Pulde: I love that story. And that leads us right into, uh, embracing, evolving identity of parenthood. And it really goes beyond the cliche of savor the moment and, and digs into what does it really mean to be a parent through change.[00:05:00]
Matthew Lederman: Because I think most parents think. But their job is to stabilize things. Don't let the ground rock try and, you know, to protect and balance, and you're looking for the next thing coming up that you have to whack outta the way. And you're, they're trying to create predictability, you know, for their kids and for themselves.
Matthew Lederman: And to me, the question is, well, what if stability isn't the goal? What if? What if the real task is learning how to move fluidly with change to build emotional flexibility and not that rigid control that sometimes I'm guilty of trying to create? Is that what we, I would call it a really strong foundation, but really it's this rigid control of the environment.
Matthew Lederman: Versus saying up, here's a big wave, let's learn how to surf that one together. I think that's where the growth happens for not only for the child, but for me as well as a parent.
Alona Pulde: Yeah, I think that's a great point because I think that is the association that stability means [00:06:00] rigid control, whereas maybe you can find stability within the fluidity
Matthew Lederman: and stability in the ability to be, to be fluid.
Matthew Lederman: Correct. And that creates that sense. So. Imagine people that are really good at surfing because they know they can ride any wave that comes. Mm-hmm. Versus me, I need solid ground and I dunno if you've seen me on a surfboard, but it, I'm usually not on it. I'm usually on the, in the water. So, so, so I'm someone that would really benefit from learning how.
Matthew Lederman: To surf and, and that fluidity,
Alona Pulde: that's a great example because I imagine surfers feel pretty stable on their board, even as they navigate that fluidity and ride those waves. Um, and that there's a piece in serenity about it. At least that's what I've heard from those that surf. Yeah. Um, so that's a really cool visual and and analogy to, to connect to.
Alona Pulde: I love it. So I need to
Matthew Lederman: learn
Alona Pulde: to surf.
Matthew Lederman: That's what we're
Alona Pulde: [00:07:00] there. There you go. Matthew. You need to, you need
Matthew Lederman: to ride the waves. Oh my God. I try. I tried surfing once. I had a board that was so long that I was out in the water and half of it was still on the beach and I, and I still somehow fell off this thing.
Matthew Lederman: I, I mean, it was just not my I thing, but maybe I'll try again.
Alona Pulde: There you go.
Matthew Lederman: Have you surfed?
Alona Pulde: No.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah.
Alona Pulde: No.
Matthew Lederman: I say we don't surf together, but
Alona Pulde: no. But
Matthew Lederman: you don't. I'll
Alona Pulde: write a dolphin, but no. You'll surf for it. Yes, we have. We have some with a dolphin. I'll swim with the dolphins. I love the dolphins, but no surfing.
Alona Pulde: All right. No. What are some common misconceptions and challenges that parents have? One that I think of is if I hold on tighter. I can slow things down. If I just hold onto them just a little bit tighter, just keep them contained, then they won't grow, or they won't grow that fast.
Matthew Lederman: And the truth is that [00:08:00] clinging on too tightly creates friction, and the growth really thrives in space.
Alona Pulde: Yeah. And not only friction, but I think stagnation. Hmm. Our desire is to help our kids grow, not stagnate them and stop their progress, but we get in our own way when we focus on just the grief.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. Yeah. So holding on less tightly. And it's always, I mean, everything we do, it's a balance. It's a balance. I, I, for me, one of the misconceptions is it'll be easier when they're older.
Matthew Lederman: I'm always thinking about, oh, this is tough right now. So I'm thinking about the time where it's gonna be be better. And every time I've experienced a stage where it's difficult and we pass that stage, they've presented with another difficult thing. So I have yet to find a pass, a difficult stage and not replace it with a new difficult stage.
Alona Pulde: Right. [00:09:00] Because each one is a novelty. Just when we think, we kind of have it figured out, the kids move on, they evolve, and we need to adapt to that evolution.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah.
Alona Pulde: And it's hard at the beginning. It's just like every change, every change is harder at the beginning, and then it gets easier, and then once it's easy, it changes again.
Alona Pulde: Exactly. It's
Matthew Lederman: like waiting for the ocean to stop having waves. Versus just, you know, peace. Peace doesn't come from, you know, getting to some, some point or, you know, some circumstance. It comes from presence, your ability to be there in the moment and ride that wave. So I. I think I've been waiting for the ocean sometimes to, to stop having waves.
Matthew Lederman: This episode of Webe Parents is brought to you by Webe Calm the Child, calmer, designed by doctors and loved by parents
Alona Pulde: struggling with bedtime routines or managing your child's anxiety. Webe Calm, transforms deep breathing into a fun and engaging activity, [00:10:00] helping kids find their inner calm, perfect for bedtime, stressful moments, or anytime your child needs a little extra help to stay calm.
Alona Pulde: Visit webe calm.com to learn more and bring tranquility to your family. We be calm because we be in this together.
Alona Pulde: I think even that notion of it looking for easier, um, versus riding out what is present, you know, and, and accepting that raising children is hard. It's always gonna be hard, but there's beauty in that hardship. There is tremendous reward in that hardship.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And at the same time, it's, it's also okay to miss the past.
Matthew Lederman: It's, you know, some people have said, well, I'm not grateful for the present. If I'm remembering the past and missing the past, what would be your response to that?
Alona Pulde: And I think that, I think there's a [00:11:00] both. And I think yes, that can happen if you are focusing solely on grieving the past and not appreciating or having gratitude for the present.
Alona Pulde: Not holding both, you know, if you think there's an uh, either or, then yes there, the. There is a cost to that, but I think if you can hold both, understand that Yeah, of course. You're gonna grieve the past. There were so many things that you loved about it. Yeah. And all these beautiful things that exist as a result of a new, A new beginning, a new evolution.
Alona Pulde: I
Matthew Lederman: like them. I like them.
Alona Pulde: I think one of the counterintuitive insights is that grief is actually not an enemy. It's truly an evidence of love. If you're missing something, you valued it. It was important to you.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah, I like that. So that's, I think there's a couple of sort of counterintuitive insights that [00:12:00] we've come up with, and I like that the grief is not the enemy.
Matthew Lederman: I think often we try to avoid that un the unpleasant feeling of grief. And then we miss out on the, the relief when you experience peace on the other side of mourning and, and that grief. So we, not
Alona Pulde: only that, but I think we associate grief with something that has gone wrong versus something went really, really what?
Alona Pulde: Right. And it's not here anymore.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And just giving your body time to let that pass through.
Alona Pulde: Yeah.
Matthew Lederman: Very healing.
Alona Pulde: Yeah. I
Matthew Lederman: think another one is that you're not parenting, uh, a fixed person. You're meeting a new person every day. And if you think of that as like, ooh, who's gonna be, I mean, sometimes we are, we wake up and we're like, who is this kid?
Matthew Lederman: I don't, I don't know them. I'm not sure I still like them, but it's, it's, you know, joking aside, you know, every, you were joking. Okay. You know, the, the moment you expect sameness. You miss the wonder of who they're becoming.
Alona Pulde: [00:13:00] Yeah. And I love that because that was the part of the, the curiosity, approaching it with curiosity, oh, what am I gonna get now?
Alona Pulde: Where are they in their evolution?
Matthew Lederman: And I think that's pretty cool. Like, we're not the same people every day we wake up. In fact, I think that's really cool. Even in your marriage to wake up every morning and, and renew your vows and say, yeah, I am so excited to be here. And to me it's the, it's just that idea that it, there's this movement.
Matthew Lederman: Life is movement, life is energy, and it's, it's dynamic and people are changing, everything's flowing. And you can choose to be present with that flow and learn how to ride it, or you can try and resist it. You know, in an effort to create the illusion of control and the illusion of stability. Stability and
Alona Pulde: yeah, that's the fluidity is kind of, you know, riding that wave and seeing where, where in the ocean you're gonna be taken.
Alona Pulde: I.
Matthew Lederman: I
Alona Pulde: love that.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And [00:14:00] letting, here's another one. Letting go can strengthen connection.
Alona Pulde: Yes.
Matthew Lederman: And I think you've, you've written on the substack a a bit about that too, but let letting go actually can increase connection. Yes. And that's a little counterintuitive,
Alona Pulde: and I've seen that so often with the girls.
Alona Pulde: It preserves their autonomy, it supports their curiosity and creativity. It allows them to thrive in a space knowing that I'm alongside them. Not pushing them or holding onto them.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah, they really thrive. And then they, when they come to you, it's from a joyful energy. It's because they want to, not because there's a stickiness or a fear.
Matthew Lederman: If they don't it, it you get a much more authentic connection and love. I think I.
Alona Pulde: And sometimes even, and I've noticed that especially with Kylie, is if I tighten the grip, she will resist, even if it's [00:15:00] something that she ultimately really wants to do, just to preserve that autonomy. She will not entertain the thought or the suggestion or um, or the, or accept the help.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. Yeah. That's important that. Reflex. It's, it's like a reflex. Yeah.
Alona Pulde: Yeah. But once she is able to connect back to her autonomy and give in that space, then her authenticity can flourish.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. Another one I like is presence over perfection. And when every, there's some, we put this pressure, I know I do at times.
Matthew Lederman: We're trying to make the, the most of every moment, and it creates this pressure that's uncomfortable and, and unnatural. And I think if we aim for presence just to show up imperfectly, but fully and, and that even today when we were shopping and I'm sitting and Kylie was trying on different shoes and [00:16:00] she's not really needing me to help her try the shoes on.
Matthew Lederman: She's not needing me to help pick them out, but I was like right next to her and there was a part of me that was tempted to get on my phone and, and just sort of do something to distract myself. I didn't, um, and she would look over at me a little bit and she would sometimes ask me a question, but I think if I was on the phone or disconnected, it wouldn't have been supportive.
Matthew Lederman: I think it wouldn't have been as connecting versus I'm there and I. I'm present when she needs me. What are you laughing at?
Alona Pulde: I'm happy because my jackal judgment came on. I'm like, Ooh, Matt's such a better parent than I am. I went shopping, got my old self a pair of shoes. I know.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. So forget presents from Malona.
Alona Pulde: I know.
Matthew Lederman: She's like, I am just, kids
Alona Pulde: can handle themselves. Look at these shoes. Shoes. Yeah. So, all right. Yeah.
Matthew Lederman: I do hate shopping, but I was, but it was interesting to me was to be. To be present moment. Yeah. Yeah. So when, you [00:17:00] know, I think you need a little work on your presence and stop shopping so damn much.
Matthew Lederman: I was very present for myself. You're present. You're gonna to listen to this podcast again from a different perspective,
Alona Pulde: right?
Matthew Lederman: About being present. So, so the next where your children. So the next one is, please don't shop
Alona Pulde: well. Before we, before we move on though, with the presence. Um, you know, you know that saying that if everything's important, nothing's important.
Alona Pulde: If we make the most of. Every moment. There isn't that balance around. You know, some moments are really gonna move you in different ways, but if everything's important, you kind of lose that a little bit. I think also, yeah.
Matthew Lederman: And there's times where we'll have like an afternoon and we're like, oh, this is for the family to hang out, but we're not really inspired to connect.
Alona Pulde: Yeah.
Matthew Lederman: So I think there's a connection. Oh, well, let's just sort of do our own thing next to each other. Or, hey, maybe today we're gonna skip connecting. But to me it's us all coming together and caring for each other, talking about it, and then saying, what would we all [00:18:00] love right now? And being open to that being different things than this.
Matthew Lederman: Preconceived notion of this is what connection is and we have to make the most, we're working during the week, so this is the weekend and we have to, you know, use this time in a certain way. I think that gives you trouble versus presence to what are you feeling in the moment, what are they feeling? And you know, as I'm saying that, I'm wondering if some parents are gonna say, well, if I ask my kid what they want, or if they want to hang out or do something else, they're always gonna pick YouTube or their iPad.
Matthew Lederman: So what's your reaction to that?
Alona Pulde: I love what you said, which is you, you can connect in person, in dialogue, in an activity, uh, engaged together, and you can connect in an activity engaged alone. So reading books together, uh, creating art together, going for a hike where you're in the space together, but it doesn't necessarily mean you need to interact with one another.[00:19:00]
Alona Pulde: Is a form of connection. So when we attach to, well, it has to look this way. I think that's where get into trouble. It gets, yeah, it gets murky.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. So if the goal is to be present, if that's, there's this idea of what, what I know, I think I think about like, what is a good parent and what, what do I have to do to be competent and, and this notion of a good parent that, um.
Matthew Lederman: And I put a lot of pressure on myself. That means, you know, always being happy to see your kids and always playing with them and always, you know, never yelling or getting upset and, you know, you start to come up with these ideas of, of, and I think that that all puts pressure. I.
Alona Pulde: Absolutely. Well, that's the perfection and, and you define that, and I may define that differently.
Alona Pulde: And each of us trying to achieve, you know, our, our desired outcome [00:20:00] and falling short, um. Or at least believing that we're falling short of our own expectations is a lot of where parents feel like failures. Mm-hmm. Um, but I think the, the presence is what allows you to be authentic. And I think that authenticity is one of the greatest comforts and, and offers stability and predictability.
Alona Pulde: Even in chaos and change. You know, I heard, um. I heard a really great analogy about roots and how. How families can root themselves. And some of them root like trees. They'll stay in one place for years and years and years and years. And like the trees, they seed their roots in that one place. And others root like birds.
Alona Pulde: They internally create an environment and take that [00:21:00] environment with them. And this is kind of that in the present moment. You know, connecting to your authenticity even in change can create such a safe space for kids.
Matthew Lederman: I love that. I love that. And it's to find out what you resonate with. There's not, it's not right to be a bird or a tree, it's, it's what resonates with you and your values.
Alona Pulde: And maybe that will change over time.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah.
Alona Pulde: So to be fluid in that too versus fixed in. Yeah.
Matthew Lederman: I. Something I always remember when I'm not sure what it means or what I should do in that moment. I have play, which is PLAE. So I'm not a good speller, so that's why I spell that. But presence PL. So P is presence.
Matthew Lederman: The LA is loving attention and the E is empathy.
Alona Pulde: Hmm.
Matthew Lederman: So if you're not sure what to do, play with your kids. Be present, provide loving attention, and be empathic. [00:22:00] And I think that's an easy, you know, to me that's easy to remember. I.
Alona Pulde: And it applies to so many different scenarios and situations. So yeah,
Matthew Lederman: I mean, if you can let your child's authentic self feel safe to come out.
Matthew Lederman: You're doing something right.
Alona Pulde: So if you've been listening to us for a while, you know, we get a lot of questions about what to do in tricky parenting or relationship moments.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And if, if I'm being real, I'm asking alone those same questions all the time. I get into those same tricky moments as everybody else does.
Matthew Lederman: And as much as we wish we could be there for each other in those exact moments, we just can't always be.
Alona Pulde: Yeah, that's why we partnered with the amazing team at Connection to create something. We truly believe in an AI coach called Amari. And we didn't just lend our names, we helped build it and train it and brought in everything we've learned about emotional healing, connection, and communication.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah, we spent [00:23:00] years training and learning, and we've created Amari who is so calm and grounded. Listens deeply and responds with warmth, clarity, and compassion. There's no judgment, no reactivity. In fact, we tasked our children with trying to get Amari reactive and they still haven't succeeded. It's just steady support when you need it most.
Alona Pulde: I. We use it ourselves all the time, especially when we feel stuck or overwhelmed. And Amari's really helped us pause, reflect, given us insight that helps us come back to each other.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah, we designed Amari to help you strengthen the relationships that matter most, starting with the one you have with yourself.
Alona Pulde: And we are so excited that you can try it now@webeparents.com and click on we be connecting with a k. Just sign up and when you have your amari moment, please let us know as we'd love to hear about it.[00:24:00]
Matthew Lederman: So I love this last one of the, the counterintuitive insights is that the goal isn't to stop the clock, it's to notice the ticking. I mean, you can't stop the past of time, but you can be more aware of his rhythm. And that awareness alone brings peace.
Alona Pulde: Mm-hmm.
Matthew Lederman: And I've, I've talked to some people, some friends as well, where they'll say, yeah, the best years were high school.
Matthew Lederman: And they just keep thinking about high school. And for me, I'm always enjoying those moments. Although high high school was particularly tough for me, so that's not, but, um, even the past, like college was great and there's great things about medical school and re I mean, there were so many fun things. And at the same time, I'm so excited to see what's next and I'm loving what I'm doing now.
Matthew Lederman: So I think that, that, that comes [00:25:00] from presence. But if you catch yourself thinking about those were the, the good old days. Then that's a, a great thing to notice. So you can see if you wanna shift that a little bit.
Alona Pulde: Yeah. And those were the good old days and these are the good new days. You know, the holding both.
Alona Pulde: And I think that's where sometimes the binary thinking happens. And if those were the good old days, then the best days of my life are gone.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah.
Alona Pulde: That, that grief or that missing, that means that there's, that something's wrong now.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah.
Alona Pulde: Versus. That was just a really great time and it's absolutely understandable.
Alona Pulde: You're gonna miss it.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah, and it's all perspective. I mean, I look back, I now, I'll be like, ah, if I knew how,
Alona Pulde: you
Matthew Lederman: know, how good I felt in my thirties, I wouldn't, I, I think I took it for granted and I could, you know, jog and run and play all, and I never got injured or hurt, and now I'm in my late forties and [00:26:00] ugh.
Matthew Lederman: And then, and I was thinking to myself. When I'm in my sixties, I'm gonna think back and say, I had it really raised in my late forties, so I better realize how great I have it now, so that when I'm in my sixties I can say, oh, I didn't take it for granted.
Alona Pulde: Yeah.
Matthew Lederman: I think it's, the grass is always greener.
Alona Pulde: I think that's the presence.
Alona Pulde: Yeah. Is if you're busy mourning the past and predicting or planning for the future, you're, you've missed you. You're not experiencing your presence. No. And soon that becomes the past. Yeah. And another thing that you're gonna mourn,
Host: topics and tools.
Alona Pulde: So what's our tool for today?
Matthew Lederman: Well, we're talking about the seasons of self and child because it's not just your child who changes, but you do too. And this helps align your growth with theirs. So taking it step by step, it, the first thing is naming both seasons. So reflecting on two things, what season [00:27:00] is your child in and what season are you in as a parent?
Matthew Lederman: And the season could be for the child is, could be, you know, learning independence. It could be testing limits, it could be seeking connection, it could be exploring the, the world. Um, and for you as a parent, it could be something like learning to let go or cultivating patience. Rediscovering your own identity.
Matthew Lederman: So we all can be in different seasons of our life and you just wanna name them. And then the next step would be identifying the growing edge. What feels uncomfortable in this season? And that's your growing edge. Maybe your child's independence feels like rejection to you. And if you notice that, maybe, maybe their silence feels like distance.
Matthew Lederman: Notice that. So really identify the edge and, and where your challenge is with their season. I like calling it seasons too because it, we know that the seasons come and go. There's a fluidity, there's a movement. I. It's not that, [00:28:00] oh, they've, they're rejecting me. And even if my, my interpretation of their silence, which often comes from a wounded place, is that they're rejecting me or they're trying to distance themselves from me.
Matthew Lederman: I, I know as a season, it's a, it's a, it's a, uh. Peace and time, but it's gonna change if I think, oh, no, now, now they become someone that doesn't like their parents. That's, that's static instead of dynamic, and that can be more scary.
Alona Pulde: I, I love that because one of the things that I was also thinking is that sometimes those seasonal seasons align and sometimes they don't.
Alona Pulde: So for example, if I'm in the season of Mama Bear and my children are seeking connection, that's a great alignment. And if they're learning independence, I'm learning to let go. Great alignment. But if I mama bear in there. Seeking independence. Then there's an empathy collision around what they're [00:29:00] looking for and what I'm looking for.
Alona Pulde: But in naming that we all have awareness of where growth opportunities are,
Matthew Lederman: right. So then the third step is to hold the grief and gratitude together. So write down one thing you miss from a past stage and one thing that you love about this stage, let yourself feel both this, no guilt, no judgment, and I know you talk about that a lot, which is it's both end.
Matthew Lederman: If we have to feel either excited or guilty or gratitude or guilt. We have to pick one versus there's parts of us that can feel guilt and parts of us that can feel gratitude at the same time.
Alona Pulde: Yes. And I think holding both allows you to have that greater perspective. Uh, you know, Jordan sometimes gets lost in that.
Alona Pulde: Our 11-year-old where she, um, was really excited about an act, she'll look forward to Christmas and look forward and forward and, and she'll celebrate Christmas and then. Oh, Christmas is [00:30:00] over. What else has she to live for? You know? And, and then if you can have her say, if you can have her connect to this grief and gratitude, oh, you really miss Christmas.
Alona Pulde: It was fantastic. What are you looking forward to? Now all of a sudden her perspective becomes significantly more expansive.
Matthew Lederman: That really gives people more, more space. Mm-hmm. And then after that, the next step will be finding a shared ritual. So choose a small ritual that honors this season, and these rituals don't have to be big.
Matthew Lederman: It can be a five minute chat in the car, a shared playlist, a Sunday breakfast, adapting the ritual as you both grow, but finding some ritual that honors the season that you're in together in a way that that is supportive of those seasons. So like you said, don't pick a ritual. If, uh, that is in conflict with the needs that they're meeting with their season.
Alona Pulde: Yeah. And it can look, [00:31:00] it can be so creative, right? If you connect to what they're into. If you're committed to that intention around growing in connection. Um, I love reading. I used to love reading to the kids. They do not want me to read to them anymore, but they like reading to me. So now I get to hear stories through them or they both love to sing.
Alona Pulde: So one of the things that we all do together as a family is karaoke and that's a connection around something that excites them and we can participate in and brings, ultimately brings joy to us as well.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. And now I just thought about something. I can get rid of my audible subscription. Yes. Have them read to me.
Matthew Lederman: So I'm gonna talk to them about that. I'll save some money. Good. So, um, and then, and then I think speaking this aloud, really talking about it, naming it, sharing with your child. Obviously depending on the age, you'll use different words, but [00:32:00] what season you're both in, you can say something, you know, I feel like I'm learning to give you space right now and that's really hard for me.
Matthew Lederman: But I'm proud of you and I'm, I'm happy to be exploring this with you in this new season. And you this way, you're modeling that vulnerability and emotional growth. I think it's really important to name that stuff.
Alona Pulde: Absolutely. I love that's the both end, um, where you can celebrate their season and share yours and what's challenging, you know, when they don't align.
Alona Pulde: What's challenging about that? Misalignment.
Matthew Lederman: Exactly. Exactly. And then the last step is to repeat it often. So revisit this exercise regularly. Um, seasons shift fast. Some, some faster than others, but staying attuned keeps you connected to both your child and yourself. So stay attuned, repeat it often, and really connect around these seasons.
Matthew Lederman: Welcoming them in what? In however they show up. [00:33:00]
Alona Pulde: Yeah, and I'm just gonna name the steps one more time 'cause we did a lot of talk in between them. But name both seasons, both yours and your child's. Identify the growing edge. What feels uncomfortable? What's your lesson to learn, hold grief and gratitude together.
Alona Pulde: Find a shared ritual, speak the season aloud and repeat it often. And I like. Examples. And so an example that comes to mind is a child who's leaving for college and a parent who shares, oh, they're in the season of learning to let go because it's hard watching child go off to college and the child responds by saying, oh, they're in the season of learning to fly.
Alona Pulde: And what a celebration and an opportunity for reframing a, a goodbye [00:34:00] is to know that it's not an ending. It's a shared season where a parent is learning to let go and a child is now taking off and flying.
Matthew Lederman: It's, it's funny, it reminds me of talking to my dad at my sister's wedding, and I'm gonna say this, it's, it's a little off color.
Matthew Lederman: So we'll find out if they listen to the podcast or not. But I remember asking my dad, I said, dad, were you, you know, sad and wanting to hold on to, you know, to, it was my older sister, the first daughter getting married to Ellen. I. When, when she was getting married was that really hard? You wanted to, you know, slow that down and, and make it happen?
Matthew Lederman: And he said No, I ran her down the aisle. I didn't want him to change his mind. Oh goodness. Oh, that was funny. So he was in a different, I think
Alona Pulde: Ellen listens. Oh boy. So
Matthew Lederman: there Ellen, I think he was joking, but if, but he was clearly in a different season than I thought he would win.
Alona Pulde: Yes.
Matthew Lederman: But he was in a season nevertheless.
Matthew Lederman: Uh, wanting freedoms,[00:35:00]
Host: no skills to pro skills.
Matthew Lederman: I like the no skills to pro skills where we show people what it, you know, just some examples just to start getting that contrast. Mm-hmm. And one of the no skills would be clinging to that bedtime story. You know that we all love you. You've talked about that and you tried, even though your child's showing disinterest and you're starting to feel a little bit this, this sense of, or that you have these thoughts that you're being rejected and.
Matthew Lederman: If you shift that there's this grieving, the loss of the bedtime story and being able to grieve that and creating a new ritual, like sharing music, discussing the books they choose, you know, doing karaoke together, having them read to you, having them read to you so you can see how there's [00:36:00] this point where you want to just keep holding onto it a little longer.
Matthew Lederman: And you wanna watch for that?
Alona Pulde: Oh yeah. Yes. Um. I, I love that. And, and, and sometimes it's hard. I am, uh, smiling as I think of yet another example of the challenge to let go is singing the Girls to Sleep until, uh, they learned about Taylor Swift and Katie Perry and Meghan Trainor and all else, and it was, yeah, mom.
Alona Pulde: Don't quite sound like them. We're gonna, we're gonna listen to something different as we fall asleep.
Matthew Lederman: So they didn't want your son,
Alona Pulde: but evolving, you know, grieving that in that time, that was really precious and fun and celebrating their. Individuality, their, uh, differentiation, their discernment about what they like and what they [00:37:00] no longer like.
Alona Pulde: Yeah. Um, but yes, it can be, it can be quite hard to make that shift from no skills to pro skills, especially when, again, your seasons are not aligned.
Matthew Lederman: Yeah. Well, you, you know, you read, you know, you just started reading to me just obvious. I know I was pulling the void. You saying you sang me to sleep, so I had to take one for the team and there you go.
Matthew Lederman: While they're listening to Ka Perry, I'm listening to alone. So another one would be wishing here's a no skills would be wishing away your teen's moodiness focusing on when they grow out of it. And I definitely have those moments where I'm thinking, oh, it'll be, you know, and she's in her. Late twenties, maybe
Alona Pulde: when she's in her fifties.
Alona Pulde: In her fifties. Am I still gonna be around?
Matthew Lederman: Oh my God. But the pro skills is accepting that moodiness as part of their growth, using it as an opportunity to practice patience and non-attachment. And it doesn't mean you have to sit there and listen to it, but you can, you, you don't have to [00:38:00] identify. Or label them, you can say, oh, this is just their, they're in a, in this season now where their, you know, hormones are shifting and they're feeling really uncomfortable in their body and they're more, there's more impatience and frustration that comes up and they're needing ease more often, you know, so I can see their good attention and also say, you know what, but I'm gonna check in and see how much space I have.
Matthew Lederman: And I'm gonna, I'm not gonna be attached to staying in conversation if it's not flowing right now. And I'm not gonna do it with hatred or resentment, but I'm gonna, you know, hey, step aside, I get, I see that this isn't really contributing or helping and move on, versus No, this is how we used to do things and we're gonna keep doing it, and you need to stop being moody.
Matthew Lederman: And there's a rigidity there.
Alona Pulde: Yeah. And there's also, by naming it and understanding there's this season of change, it's easier not to take that personally.
Matthew Lederman: Yes. And, and them as well. 'cause they, they know that they're, they're having an impact and they feel there's a part of them that feels guilty and another part that [00:39:00] is just expressing where they're at.
Alona Pulde: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. We had an episode yesterday where I don't even remember how it went down, but Kylie caught so upset and, uh. She said, you know, I'm gonna be, I, I can hold a grudge forever. I was like, oh, well, does that mean you're gonna have a grudge when I walk you down the aisle? And her response was, if I choose to invite you.
Alona Pulde: Whoa. Yes.
Matthew Lederman: So she was like, Kaboom. And then another hit I
Alona Pulde: Kao. Oh, really? And then minutes later she was standing right behind me and gave me a hug. But the point being they do recognize it. Yeah. And yet they need the space to feel it.
Matthew Lederman: And that your stability and presence and seeing the feelings and needs underneath the words allowed you to, to not lose attachment.
Alona Pulde: Right. It wasn't a personal, oh my God, my child doesn't wanna invite me to their wedding. Yeah. It was, [00:40:00] she's really upset right now.
Matthew Lederman: And then she was able, when she wasn't worried about your attachment, she was able to connect. To the pain that she might have stimulated.
Alona Pulde: Mm-hmm. And
Matthew Lederman: that then meet her need for care and kindness.
Matthew Lederman: And that's when she apologized.
Alona Pulde: Yes. And I think sometimes they test, right? She wanted to test. How far can I push? Will she go away? Does she go away or does she stay?
Matthew Lederman: Yeah,
Alona Pulde: so, um, so yeah, it's an interesting dynamic if you can lean in. But that's hard bringing it home. So how do we bring
Matthew Lederman: it home? Bringing it home with skills?
Matthew Lederman: We're gonna bring it home with skills. We gotta do it with skills. If we're gonna bring it home, do it with skills. So explain it, invite it, model it, and practice it. I love that. Explain it. So talk about how the relationship is gonna keep changing as we grow. Explain the seasons. I'm learning, you know, I'm learning to appreciate each season for what it is [00:41:00] and help them understand what that is.
Matthew Lederman: And then invite it. What feels different to you about this season? Talking to your, your kids about, Hey, where are you at right now? What feels different than it did last year? Are you noticing something? Are you noticing things that are different in me? Have that honest dialogue where you can talk about yourself, you can guess about the other person, and you're both open to hearing what the other person's experience is.
Matthew Lederman: Mm-hmm. Um. Checking in, you know, there's questions you can ask, is there something you would love? Is there something that's hard for you right now that wasn't hard for you before? And then just modeling it. So sharing your own growing edges and modeling that vulnerability. Um, saying something like, I'm, I'm learning to give you more space, but sometimes I still wanna hold on tight.
Matthew Lederman: And I imagine that's. Kind of frustrating for you and you want your space and you want more freedom and choice. Mm-hmm. So express that. And you can even say to them, you know, like Kylie [00:42:00] the other day saying, Hey, you were really upset. And at the same time I could see that it saying the words, the way you did, didn't meet your need for kindness.
Matthew Lederman: Was that really hard for you? Where you were holding both, help her reconnect to those times? And then, then practice it, create this, uh, seasonal ritual together. Pick one thing you'll do this season. Hey, when, when Kylie likes this things this way and doesn't like things that way, let's go. We used to ride bikes together.
Matthew Lederman: They don't wanna ride bikes, so that's not the ritual I'm gonna pick, even though I have memories of riding bikes with my family. And it was really great. We had a ritual making pancakes together. They do not wanna make pancake. They want me to make them pancakes, but they don't wanna, they don't make 'em together.
Matthew Lederman: That was something that lived in my heart, really sweet. But that ritual is no longer contributing in this season.
Alona Pulde: Mm-hmm.
Matthew Lederman: I'm feeling a wave of sadness now as I feel as I remember. I mean, like, it was [00:43:00] really fun and it was something that I did with my dad. Mm-hmm. And it was really fun. And I think just to feel that grief, which can come and go.
Matthew Lederman: Then say that I, so holding both and then say Yes, and what's a new ritual I can bring? Like we walk to the grove in the morning and sometimes I'll walk with each of them and we hold hands and we make jokes and we laugh and we'll tell stories. That's really cool Now, so I think there's just really telling yourself, Hey, there's a new season.
Matthew Lederman: Let's grieve any pain from the past seasons and let's create new rituals for the new one. Mm-hmm.
Host: Just one
Matthew Lederman: last
Host: thing.
Alona Pulde: Change doesn't mean loss. Every season of parenthood invites us to let go of what was embrace, what is, and trust what's coming.
Matthew Lederman: I like that very much. Alright, well today's. Insights offered something unexpected.
Matthew Lederman: If they stirred reflection or peace or just made your life a little [00:44:00] more wonderful. We'd love to hear from you. Please rate and review. We be parents and share your own seasons of parenting with us at parents@webetogether.com. We are growing with you. Thank you very much for listening.
Alona Pulde: Thank you. Bye.