webe Parents
Welcome to "webe Parents" with Dr. Alona Pulde and Dr. Matthew Lederman! We're parents first, doctors second, and life coaches third, blending nutrition, lifestyle, and connection medicine with nonviolent communication to help families thrive. In each episode, we'll share our "Cheers & Tears," dive into our "Topic & Tool," go from "No Skills to Pro Skills," "Bring It Home," and wrap up with "One Last Thing." Join us as we share stories, skills, and tips to help bring your family closer together using our professional expertise.
Thanks for listening!
Dr. Matthew Lederman & Dr. Alona Pulde
webe Parents
Ep. 42: 💣 Are You Dropping Emotional Bombs or Building Connection?
What if the way you're venting to your partner is actually pushing them away—and your kids are watching it all unfold? In this episode, Matt & Alona get real about emotional spirals, invisible resentments, and those subtle daily habits that either build connection or destroy it 💥.
Hear the powerful tool called the "30-second container" that transforms explosive moments into connection—even if your partner laughs it off. 🧠 Learn why rituals like a 2-minute hug at pickup, authentic thank-yous, and “hard hugs” with your kids can radically shift your family’s emotional climate.
💔 Feeling seen but dismissed?
🤐 Choosing artificial harmony over honest truth?
🧩 Learn the tension trade-offs that most parents face but rarely talk about.
Have a Kinectin Account? Explore these Nudges to see how they apply to your own life — in a way only Amari can.
What is Amari? webe Parents has partnered with Kinectin to bring you Amari, your personal AI coach. Now you can interact with the ideas from our podcasts, articles, and parenting tips — and Amari will help you apply them directly to your personal life. Don't have a Kinectin Account? Create one here
To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
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Producer:Welcome to We Be Parents, where parent doctors Matthew Letterman and Alona Polday explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together.
Alona Pulde:Hello, and welcome back to We Be Parents. Last week, we talked about how we often offer more softness to our kids than to our partners and how presence in a relationship isn't passive. It's something we actively practice.
Matthew Lederman:Yes, I enjoy this topic, and today we get to sit with some real stories that bring all that to life. It's so important. This 30-second container really has made a big difference. in everything, just that intention. And what's really helpful is that you not only have to do it on your own, the other partner can help you remember. So it's really a partnership. It's a collaboration.
Alona Pulde:Yeah. And that 30-second container was the tool that we introduced. So just a quick recap of kind of the topic and
Matthew Lederman:tool. Before we recap, we got to ask people to... Subscribe. Please subscribe. Come on, share it. Whether you like it or not, you got to share this, okay?
Alona Pulde:Share, subscribe, rate, review. We really appreciate it. We love the feedback.
Matthew Lederman:Yes, Alona loves feedback. I don't.
Alona Pulde:Address it to me. Okay. Just a recap of what we talked about last week was that we're often gentler with our kids than our partners. And it's not because we love our partners less, but because we've stopped actively tending to the relationship, whether we're taking it for granted or we're so lost in logistics and productivity and efficiency, we forget that you can have the both and, you know, run a successful household and have it filled with love and joy.
Matthew Lederman:It's so important. It's so important because love and, more importantly, connection doesn't disappear with one big blow for most partnerships. It drifts away in this sort of absence of daily tenderness.
Alona Pulde:Yes, agreed. And the tool that we talked about was the 30-second container, which I invite you to go back and listen to in more detail, but... The invitation is to pause before you're venting to your partner, before you're about to give them a judgment or a criticism, or you get lost in a triggering thought.
Matthew Lederman:To
Alona Pulde:wrap it up. And not collision or rejection.
Matthew Lederman:Because when you're venting, you need care. Even though you're harder and you're angry or whatever, that's just a guarded heart around pain.
Alona Pulde:Yes. Whether you're venting to your partner or you're venting internally to yourself about your partner.
Matthew Lederman:Yes. And that's why if you know that you're in pain and you know that you need care... Increase the chances that you're going to get care back, because often when we talk in anger, we're decreasing the chances we're going to get care back. We're going to cause them to get scared, pull away, defend, protect.
Alona Pulde:Yeah, and we talked about that last week, is that when something comes at you perceived as an attack, and you have no context for it, no warning, your natural state is going to be fight, flight, defend, protect, protect. This is dangerous. Yes. So I love that tool. And it becomes so useful in so many different situations.
Matthew Lederman:And the easy way to think about it is imagine you have a package that's a little bit of a bomb. And before you go and hand this bomb to the other person, you're going to check. You're going to name that you have a bomb. You're going to check in with them if they have capacity to take your bomb. And then you're ideally going to wrap it in some bubble wrap. To make the bomb a little easier to carry and receive.
Alona Pulde:Yeah, I like that. All right, so what are some of the stories that we want to share with the listeners?
Matthew Lederman:Before we get into the letters, there was this one story that the school in Colorado tested a ritual where parents give a two-minute uninterrupted hug at pick-up. No phone, no multitasking, and within a week, teachers noted calmer after-school transitions and more regulated behaviors at home. So these little rituals of care, we talked about one specifically around venting, but the whole idea is to create these little rituals of care and to see how that infuses life back into relationships.
Alona Pulde:I love that on so many levels. This is an example with the kids, but this is something that you can do with your partner as well. And it's about intention. You come, you're present to the moment. You're not distracted by other things. There's care and contribution even to another person and very intentional showing up in that way. And I love that. And I imagine the impact is so... Great. And if you can do that on a regular basis, that impact accumulates too. You feel it.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah. I'm actually, if I'm being authentic right now, which I am, I am feeling a little bit of sadness and guilt because I'm getting some images of when I'll pick up the kids and I'm just finishing something. Like I'm in the middle of an email, I'm in the middle of a call and I'm finishing something. And I just connected to just, I mean, it's not like it's news to me, but I just got this little, this little image of, ah, you know, that two minute ritual. And then I could always say, hey, hold on a second. I got to finish what I was doing, but I wanted to be two minutes of full presence right when I see you. How big an impact that can be. And I, you know, I teach this stuff and I myself am not always doing it. So I just got that note. I wanted, I think it's important name when that stuff comes up. And then, hey, we're doing the best we can too.
Alona Pulde:Yeah, I mean, life happens. There are some days that you're going to be available for that and some days that you're not. And your children do want to receive that in authenticity, not out of obligation.
Matthew Lederman:But those rituals, I think, are key. If I just sort of go in there and I'm like, okay, I'm just picking up the kids
Alona Pulde:versus
Matthew Lederman:I'm picking up the kids with our two-minute ritual. Those rituals are helpful.
Alona Pulde:It helps you set the intention, I think. That's the biggest power that that has, is it brings you to presence. And in that presence is that intention to show up with care and love and kindness. So, yes, I think there's tremendous value, and I think there's grace for... Yeah, I mean, we're doing the best we
Matthew Lederman:can. When I get those feelings, it's not to push them away or to try and make them feel better. It's to say, oh... There's opportunity to meet my needs more effectively than I have been. And these routines, same thing with waking up. How do I want to wake up? Do I want to come down with an energy of connection and aliveness? Or am I coming down like, oh, another day? And before I walk out the door, I can change my focus and my actions and my thoughts to align with that intention.
Alona Pulde:Absolutely.
Matthew Lederman:So I think this is just another, and the rituals are, of me, for example, listening to this song before I come out the door in the morning is the same as that two-minute uninterrupted hug at pickup.
Alona Pulde:Yes. I have a story. I love this story. A woman went viral on TikTok after sharing that she started thanking her partner for every small thing, making the bed, managing a meltdown, ordering the groceries. But it's not what she did, but what she said about it. It wasn't performative. It was a daily act of seeing. And how beautiful is that? I see you. I see you making the bed, and it contributes to me. I see you. You know, you shared actually impact today and our interaction around seeing you When you were sharing, when you called this morning about your dad. I don't know if you want to share that story, but the idea, it felt so beautiful to receive. I see you. And for you to maybe hear, I see you.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah. Yeah, that was when you basically said, hey, your dad's sick right now. If you need some help with him. whatever you need, we'll make, we'll figure it out. You know, if you need to fly over there or whatever. And I said, thank you very much. But I sort of glossed over it. I said the thank you. But then when I hung up, the kids were in the car and they said, wow, that was awesome. Mom was going to drop anything for you, dad. That's really cool. Everybody needs an Alona, but not this one. Like don't take ours. But, and then I said, oh wow. And then I connected to actually feeling it in my body and the appreciation for someone that was willing to do whatever it took to help me connect with my and support my father. So then I said to the girls, I think I should call mom back and give her a real appreciation. It felt, you know, heartfelt appreciation. And they said, yeah, you should. So I called you back and I, I appreciated you. And you said that that felt really good.
Alona Pulde:It felt so tender and so beautiful. Um, yeah, I, you know, generated a smile from ear to ear and it, It really touched my heart. But I think, you know, you talked about that in a previous episode. When you show up with that vulnerability and that care and that love, there is... this mirroring that happens, I feel it. I sense it. I naturally am absorbing it. Um, and it feels, it really feels great.
Matthew Lederman:And it ripples.
Alona Pulde:Yeah. It's a ripple. Absolutely.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah. One of our sub stack articles was about finding joy in the rental car rental return lot in Newark airport. And it was similar where someone came up and just smiled at me and it was this genuine smile. And I said, Oh, So I appreciated with a heartfelt genuine, oh, your smile really made a difference.
Alona Pulde:Yeah, it happens in micro moments. We went to Whole Foods Market the other day, and there was a cashier there. And she was... just gave you the sensation that you were Disneyland. She was so excited to see you and she was so open and sweet and kind that, you know, Jordan was there with us and I absolutely fell in love with this woman. Um, but such a sparkly personality and all three of us left Whole Foods, um, talking about this woman and how wonderful it felt to be in her presence for that time.
Matthew Lederman:I know. And then we came home and said, Kylie, you got to go to this person.
Alona Pulde:Yeah.
Matthew Lederman:And she was in her twenties and just be showing up full of life.
Alona Pulde:Yes.
Matthew Lederman:And connecting to people. And then there was part of me, cause it was so alive that I was almost judging and taken aback where I was like, there's something wrong with this person. All they were was really nice and caring and fun and present.
Alona Pulde:Meanwhile, I'm like, Jordan, Jordan, come here.
Matthew Lederman:So, so it's like, but my body is sort of like, Hey, is this is, you know, but we can have as much joy as we want to open ourselves to and find in the moment. Yes. And, and then that changes someone else's day. So when, how you show up. Absolutely.
Alona Pulde:She changed our morning for sure. Oh yeah. So if you've been listening to us for a while, you know we get a lot of questions about what to do in tricky parenting or relationship moments.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah, and if I'm being real, I'm asking Alona those same questions all the time. I get into those same tricky moments as everybody else does. And as much as we wish we could be there for each other in those exact moments, we just can't always be.
Alona Pulde:Yeah, that's why we partnered with the amazing team at Connecton to create something we truly believe in, an AI coach called Amari. And we didn't just lend our names, we helped build it and train it and brought in everything we've learned about emotional healing, connection and communication.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah, we spent years training and learning and we've created Amari who is so calm and grounded, listens deeply and responds with warmth, clarity and compassion. There's no judgment, no reactivity. In fact, we tasked our children with trying to get Amari reactive and they still haven't succeeded. It's just steady support when you need it most.
Alona Pulde:We use it ourselves all the time, especially when we feel stuck or overwhelmed. And Amari's really helped us pause, reflect, given us insight that helps us come back to each other.
Matthew Lederman:We designed Amari to help you strengthen the relationships that matter most, starting with the one you have with yourself.
Alona Pulde:And we are so excited that you can try it now at WeBeParents.com and click on WeBeConnecting with a K to sign up. And when you have your Amari moment, please let us know as we'd love to hear about it. All right, so what do we have from our listeners today?
Matthew Lederman:So here's the one here that says, I tried the 30-second container with my husband, but he sort of laughed it off. I felt embarrassed and shut down. What do I do when the person I'm trying to connect with doesn't respond how I hoped? Oof,
Alona Pulde:that's really vulnerable and tender, and I imagine... also stimulates hurt
Matthew Lederman:yeah sadness hurt
Alona Pulde:yeah
Matthew Lederman:maybe a little hopeless
Alona Pulde:you're vulnerable like that and it's not received or it's brushed off
Matthew Lederman:yeah so you're you're coming out there trying to increase connection and it just doesn't land for the other person
Alona Pulde:and i think Not to excuse it, but I think one of the things that happens and it happens to so many of us, we run, so many of us run on survival mode. We run in a fight flight state and in a fight flight state, everything is dangerous. And so stepping into vulnerability is extremely dangerous. You can't see all the balls on the court if you go vulnerable. And so there's a defensiveness, a rejection of it out of fear versus a dismissal or rejection of the other person.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah. And when you feel, first thing I would do is just do some self-connection or get empathy from a friend. When you're feeling embarrassed and you have this thought that you're being shut down, It's just to connect to that pain of embarrassment. And I really want to be accepted and understood. And I want... I really value openness and curiosity and willingness to grow together. And I didn't get that in this moment. And even if it didn't resonate for somebody, I would love for them to respond with care. Because when they laugh at it, I start to have thoughts that this doesn't matter. And that our relationship maybe doesn't matter. And that maybe they don't care. So... There's all this pain in you and just to connect to that. And then once you've done that self-connection and not before you've done that self-connection and gotten enough empathy for your pain, then we can start to empathize with what his feelings and needs were.
Alona Pulde:And I think there's a lot of other things that... One is when you are bringing something new home and the family is unfamiliar with it, there will be a natural sense of, ooh, can I trust this? What's happening here? And so the importance of explaining, hey, I'm really going to work on how I'm showing up. And part of that is... practicing this 30-second container.
Matthew Lederman:So you're saying for them to practice how they're going to respond regardless of...
Alona Pulde:Well, also to bring it to the family. I'm going to start practicing this. So the family, it's like that. You don't need them. The 30-second container is also letting them know you're going to be sharing in this space. Now, the 30-second container, we also have to remember, is not a demand. It's a request, which means somebody can say, hey, I'm not available for this. And then it gets to we can't change how somebody else is going to respond. That's their, whatever is going on through their filter that's leading them to respond in that way. Yeah. But if we can honor our own intention and continue to show up the way that we choose to show up regardless of of how people are responding. And that's so hard, especially with people in your inner circle that you love and engage with on a daily basis. But if it is our intention to show up differently regardless, then how they respond shouldn't change that. Yeah. Ideally.
Matthew Lederman:Exactly. You're going to show up and you're going to deliver this care to without expectation that they're going to respond in a certain way. There could be hope, and it makes sense that you have that hope. But I think it also might be helpful if we do a quick little role play to show how you respond if somebody laughs. So if I said, hey, Alona, I want to do this 30-second container. Okay. Exactly. And I'll say, oh, you know, when you laugh, and I... So first, I empathize with you. I don't share my needs. I focus on yours, which is, hey, is this not making sense? So you see, I'm trying to be curious about this. Hey, is this not making sense? Is this unusual? That
Alona Pulde:sounds so ridiculous.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah, it's not something you're used to doing. This is so out of the ordinary.
Alona Pulde:Yeah, what's the point?
Matthew Lederman:Yeah, so it's also not clear why we even have to do this. If it made sense, maybe then you would be interested in doing it, if you knew why.
Alona Pulde:Yeah, go ahead. Tell me why.
Matthew Lederman:Well, before I tell you why, I want you to hear that this is not a demand, that it's just it's just something that's really going to. My hope is I love you so much and I want to have as much care for, you know, going your way and coming my way. And I know you value the same care. And this is a way to maybe increase that care.
Alona Pulde:Oh, I do not lean into that.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah. Yeah. But do you see how it's just being curious and. And then seeing their good intentions behind. When people laugh or do that, they're just protecting themselves from some discomfort or lack of understanding or they're hearing a demand, but they're not comfortable saying it. So all of those things can help you see their good intention behind a potentially painful expression.
Alona Pulde:Yes. I think you named also somebody so often, maybe always, but I'd have to think about that one. But so often, our judgments come out of our own discomfort. Yes. Our own discomfort with vulnerability, our own discomfort with trusting in the moment, whatever that may be.
Matthew Lederman:So I always think that it's helpful when I can get to curiosity and not take the laughing personally. So if you're saying, hey, I just want to care and love you, and he laughs at you, and you think he's laughing at your desire to care and love them, you could take that personally. But if you realize that, hey, I wonder, I know nobody would laugh at care and love. So I wonder if there's something else there. What could he be laughing at? Oh, maybe he's laughing because he's uncomfortable because he doesn't really understand this or thinks he's going to have to do something he's not comfortable doing. Oh, I get it. So he's laughing because he's uncomfortable. Well, that makes sense. Of course he's going to laugh. So do you see how I'm curious versus taking it personally? I'm trying to be curious about, well, what's the good reason behind his laughing? There's got to be one. This episode of We Be Parents is brought to you by We Be Calm, the child calmer designed by doctors and loved by parents.
Alona Pulde:Struggling with bedtime routines or managing your child's anxiety? WeBeCalm transforms deep breathing into a fun and engaging activity, helping kids find their inner calm. Perfect for bedtime stressful moments or anytime your child needs a little extra help to stay calm. Visit WeBeCalm.com to learn more and bring tranquility to your family. WeBeCalm, because we be in this together. All right, you want to hand them us another letter? Oh, this one. My kids see how cold we are to each other. I'm scared that they'll think that's normal. Is it too late to change this? Oh, that fear is so real. And it's such a loving sign about how deeply you care about your children and how you care about the relationship too is noticing, hey, this is how we show up. It's not how I want to show up for myself or my partner or for my children.
Matthew Lederman:Exactly. And that to me is so important that you name what we all are feeling. If you are sensing that your kids can see how cold you are to each other, odds are that they see how cold you are to each other. Yeah. So there's no reason to pretend that doesn't exist.
Alona Pulde:But I think also it's important to remember that kids don't need perfect parents. They need parents who can return. And one of the biggest ways to come back is with a redo or repair. So no, it is not too late. But naming it. sharing why you want to do it differently, why that's important to you, to you for your partner, to you for your kids. And repair is one of the most powerful forms that we can model for our children to show them that you do not have to be perfect. You just have to show up.
Matthew Lederman:And be authentic.
Alona Pulde:Yeah. Yes, and you can show up sharing a regret, sharing a mistake.
Matthew Lederman:Well, and odds are this has happened over a long period of time, so it's not going to be fixed overnight.
Alona Pulde:Yes.
Matthew Lederman:But if you and your partner are really committed to showing up differently and you name that with your children, and then as a family, we talked about bringing it home in the last episode, as a family you work together to create these 30-second care containers. You can start peppering those in.
Alona Pulde:And inviting the kids to name it. So not always coldness toward each other indicates a loss of love or a failure in a marriage. can be very indicative of getting lost in that transaction and that logistics and that efficiency. Exactly. And in that, there's distance that's created. Over time, that distance gets greater and greater and
Matthew Lederman:greater. And I think that's a good point. Coldness doesn't necessarily mean harshness or being mean to each other. It could just be the absence of warmth. Yes. And then if that's the case, then you can say, hey, We all value care and warmth. What are ways that we can increase the warmth? And you and I have spent years, it's an ongoing thing, working on our relationship, working on our marriage, working on our personal growth, working on our parenting. And so much of it comes back to how you show up. Even though we think it's the other person, if we show up, if we do our work and we show up differently, everybody around you shows up differently.
Alona Pulde:Yes. We show up and spend a lot of energy intentionally showing up differently for our children. And we need to take some of that energy also into how we show up for each other.
Matthew Lederman:Yes. And I imagine it will be very hard for your partner to show up the same way when all of a sudden you show up with a different level of care and warmth. So give it a shot. I think that I think that people will ask me that a lot about nonviolent communication. Well, if my partner is not willing to learn this, does it still work? And it's really not about working. It's really about how you show up and how you interact with people, regardless of how they respond. So let's jump into one more letter. All right, so this one is, we use the tool and it helps, but I notice I still want to fix the feelings my partner brings. How do I stay with them instead of trying to make them feel better?
Alona Pulde:Yeah, that impulse to fix is great.
Matthew Lederman:That was a big moment for you.
Alona Pulde:Yes, yes. I am definitely a helper personality. I just want to come in and fix it and make it go away and make you feel better. And
Matthew Lederman:you have great ideas. So you're like, this will definitely fix that problem.
Alona Pulde:Yes. And it usually will. At least I think it's a good idea. I still think it's a good idea.
Matthew Lederman:Well, often you have, you know, your resource will give you a good idea.
Alona Pulde:But it doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't matter. That's not where the other person's at or what they're needing in the moment. And I think empathy is a really hard, you know, we're very conditioned to sympathy and to fixing and repairing. And sitting with empathy is hard because it's hard to sit with someone you love and their pain and hold that container for them it
Matthew Lederman:is hard and it's sometimes we have this voice inside our heads that's saying you're not doing anything you're not solving the problem you're not fixing it but if the goal is connection and inner peace if those are your signs of success then Solving the problem often is not your path, is not your way to get there.
Alona Pulde:Well, solving the problem, that's the thing. Like, I think I can solve the problem. I have a solution to the problem. But the underlying the problem is what you're really needing, which is to be seen and to be held with care. And so it's kind of funny because empathy... is what fixes the problem. You know, if you really want to fix the problem, you give your partner or your child a space to be seen, a space to be heard, and a space to even eventually be open to what to do about it. And the problem...
Matthew Lederman:often shifts as you get more empathy. Yes. So the target is moving.
Alona Pulde:Yes. And
Matthew Lederman:until you've completed the empathy process.
Alona Pulde:Yes.
Matthew Lederman:The target doesn't hold still.
Alona Pulde:So maybe that's the first step. You know, if you're prone to fixing and if it's really hard to let go of that reflex, fix through empathy. Trust that that is the path to fixing. quote unquote, the
Matthew Lederman:problem. Oh my God. And then once you're, your kids, there's episode on the hard hug. One of the first episodes we've
Alona Pulde:done. Oh my God. That has been the greatest tool. Yeah. In our toolbox or one of them anyway.
Matthew Lederman:And Jordan, the other night asked me for a hard hug and I knew I was all right, I'm ready. Let's do it. You know, and she gave me, and I was like, oh boy, this is a problem I could fix. And I just, and I just kept saying in my head, just, she just wants a hard hug. She just wants a hard hug. Don't fix it. Don't fix it. And I gave her this hard hug, and I was hearing around. It was about a problem with a friend, and she's figuring it out. And then she's like, oh, Dad, you give the best hard hugs.
Alona Pulde:Yes, I was going to say, you do give the best hard hugs. Mom will bite her tongue, and in there seeps something that no longer makes it a hard hug. So, yes.
Matthew Lederman:But then what was cool about that was that she then... So in addition to bragging about my ability to give heart hugs, what was cool about that was that she all of a sudden got empowered around how she was gonna navigate the friend thing. And what really was helping her was her finding her power to navigate this and do it on her own.
Alona Pulde:That's the beauty of empathy is you give somebody else the power to trust their own ability to solve the problem. Yes. Versus, you know, this is the thing we all know. You know, you teach a man to fish versus you give them a fish. And through empathy, you're really teaching them how to fish. So I love that.
Matthew Lederman:All right, all right. Oh, we're trying these new game things. And this one, what I was throwing around was something called tension trade-offs, the game where clarity is optional. So when you're given two emotionally honest options and both are a little uncomfortable, there's no right answer, just the answer that tells you something real about what you're needing, fearing, or protecting. So each trade-off is designed to create an internal pause a wait, you know, I don't really know here type of moment, and a soft doorway into your nervous system story. So for example, the voice of vulnerability would be the first one. And it's a, you know, would you rather ask for exactly what you want and risk it being dismissed or unmet, or soften or shrink your ask just a little to increase the odds of it being received?
Alona Pulde:I hate would-you-rathers because I'm always, this one and da-da-da.
Matthew Lederman:Oh, the kids love would-you-rathers. I know. You know, fall off a building or get, you know, beaten up with a baseball bat. I'm like, that's a terrible
Alona Pulde:question. So my instinct would probably be to soft, I'd love to ask for what I want and risk it being dismissed, but I will soften or shrink the ask. Yeah. to increase the odds of it being received with the hope that maybe if that's received, I can elevate the ask.
Matthew Lederman:Well, one risks rejection and the other risks resentment.
Alona Pulde:Yes.
Matthew Lederman:And which is more costly.
Alona Pulde:Yes.
Matthew Lederman:Because I think people are going to swallow their resentment easier than they're going to swallow rejection. Yes. Because resentment, they can sort of keep internal
Alona Pulde:rejection. Resentment, they know. Yeah. Resentment is external. Rejection is internal. I think that's harder.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah, I think so. And what were you taught about asking directly for what you want? So what was your conditioning culturally?
Alona Pulde:I think we were invited to ask for what we want, but, you know, the Rolling Stones song, you can't always get what you want. So, yes, we got what we needed.
Matthew Lederman:You listened to a lot of Rolling Stones growing
Alona Pulde:up? Oh, yes. Yes.
Matthew Lederman:Specifically that
Alona Pulde:song. Specifically that song. In fact, our girls know that song, too, and... And I have helped them hate it because of the context that I put it in. Ruined a perfectly good growing stem cell. I know. What about this one? Peace or honesty? Would you rather keep the peace during a moment of tension, knowing it might build up in your body, or say the honest saying that might create a short-term rupture? I
Matthew Lederman:think it depends on the relationship. If I have security in the relationship, I probably will risk the rupture, the temporary rupture. But if I don't have trust and security in the relationship, I'm going to do the first one. What was the first one again?
Alona Pulde:Keep the peace. Keep the peace. Artificial harmony. Artificial harmony all the way. Yes, indeed. Now, you know, something that I value that you said, I should have changed it and said just create a rupture, is you trust... that in your honesty, when you have that relationship, in your honesty, it will be a temporary rupture because you will come out on the other end connected. I think the stakes are elevated when you don't trust that it's going to be a temporary rupture and then the choice for artificial harmony is...
Matthew Lederman:Because I've worked with some clients, for example, where if there's a rupture, they might not talk to their partner for weeks That's so painful that they're like, hey, artificial harmony all the way.
Alona Pulde:Yeah.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah.
Alona Pulde:But those are the missed moments of connection that ultimately are so costly because every one of those builds distance.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah. And that's why I think there's this beauty to nonviolent communication because it teaches you how to be authentic without the rupture or to decrease the chances of rupture.
Alona Pulde:Or trust the repair. Yeah. Yeah.
Matthew Lederman:Give me another one. All right, here we go. Presence or protection. Would you rather stay present during your partner's emotional spiral, even if it pulls you under a little, or create a boundary and walk away to protect your own regulation, even if it leaves them feeling a sense of abandonment?
Alona Pulde:Okay. So... I would, I do stay present during an emotional spiral, even if it pulls me under a little. You've been doing that? Now. Well. I had no idea. I tell you later. You gotta stop here? What are you doing? Hold on. But I tell you later that, I'm not saying it's a perfect practice, I'm saying this is what I do. I will address it later. you know, and maybe share that with you or I do share that with you. But I think ideally I'd want to create a boundary and not just walk away, but let my partner know why I'm walking away. I'm walking away to self-regulate so I can be that container for you. Let me come back in. Can I come back in 10 minutes?
Matthew Lederman:So sort of like that line, that line that we have everybody memorized, which is, I can't think of anything to say right now that will contribute to us. And I want to because I care about you and love you. So I'm going to take 10, 15 minutes and I'll be back.
Alona Pulde:Yes, because then the walking away is an effort to support and contribute to the relationship, not an abandonment. So the either or here... not ideal, which is why I chose the first one. But I think it is really important to create that boundary. If you're not available for that container, if you're not available for that heart hug, it's important to share that authentically, but sharing it with care.
Matthew Lederman:Yeah, I totally agree.
Alona Pulde:Yeah.
Matthew Lederman:So it's, you know, staying may cost you your own regulation, but leaving may cost you your connection. Yes. And Often people are willing to treat themselves worse than other people.
Alona Pulde:And you can get the both and. You can get your regulation and maintain the connection by just tweaking that a little bit. All right. Hit me with the last one here. The last one. All right. So would you rather do the supportive action your partner needs, watch the kids, make dinner, but not say anything emotional, or or say the emotionally affirming thing they long for, but not actually follow through on the practical support? So would you rather do the thing or say the thing?
Matthew Lederman:I probably would, my default is more of like the doing. So I think I would lean towards the doing all the stuff that needs to be done, needs to, right? Needs in quote. And I would push off the emotional affirmation Yeah, I'm not happy about that, but that's probably my answer.
Alona Pulde:Yeah, these are horrible. These are like, would you eat a spider or a cockroach?
Matthew Lederman:You know, these are children of them. But that's good to know because I think these are helpful too, actually, because it's like, oh, okay, my learning edge is around, in this case, on the emotional side because you want to do the
Alona Pulde:both and. Yes.
Matthew Lederman:But I know where I'm going to, if I'm not thinking both and, I'm going to. Fall here, so I got to put a little extra attention on the emotional side.
Alona Pulde:Yes. And that's, I think, the key in all of these is neither is enough on its own. It is a both and. Yeah,
Matthew Lederman:that's the key.
Alona Pulde:All right, Matthew. So what do we want to leave our... You tell them. I hit them with one last thing. Don't hit them.
Matthew Lederman:Don't hit them. Use care. Use
Alona Pulde:care. Our final reflection said with great care.
Producer:Just one last thing.
Alona Pulde:The greatest act of love is returning, returning to ourselves, to each other, to the choice to be present again, even when it's messy and actually, especially when it's messy. So I love that. I think the ability to return, return to a relationship, return to a connection, return to ourselves is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to us, to each other, to our children. Yeah.
Matthew Lederman:I love
Alona Pulde:that. Yeah.
Matthew Lederman:Awesome. Well, I appreciate everybody listening.
Alona Pulde:Yes. Thanks for listening.
Matthew Lederman:And please email us at parents at webetogether.com with your stories. Hit us with some more would
Alona Pulde:you rathers. I like that.
Matthew Lederman:You like this? And then also please rate, review, and subscribe and share this with everybody you know. It really helps us. And definitely come back next week. We look forward to spending more time with everybody.
Alona Pulde:Thanks, everyone. Bye. Bye.