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Ep. 46 - Laugh It Off—or Hide Behind It? How Humor Builds (and Breaks) Connection at Home 😅👉❤️

• Matt Lederman & Alona Pulde • Season 1 • Episode 46

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When is a joke a bridge—and when is it a shield? 

In this episode, Matt & Alona get real about humor as a parenting and partnership superpower… and a sneaky escape hatch from vulnerability. You’ll hear how laughter can regulate a tense nervous system, turn bickering into bonding (hello, surprise British accent), and even help kids feel safer after a misstep. You’ll also hear when jokes land like criticism, mask discomfort, or block repair—and how to course-correct without killing the vibe. 

From the episode:
• 🍲 The “casserole” confession: how using light, caring humor invites honesty without shame—and why intention matters more than perfect NVC phrasing.
• 🛡️ The double edge: humor that soothes vs. humor that hides—how laughing can protect us from pain, yet also delay the vulnerability real connection needs.
• 🧠 Science meets sofa: genuine laughter cues safety (parasympathetic “rest & digest”), making repair possible—even after a miss.

Have a Kinectin Account? Explore these Nudges to see how they apply to your own life — in a way only Amari can.

Nudge: I notice I joke or deflect when things get tense at home. Help me unpack what I’m protecting and practice one caring, humorous line that invites connection instead of avoiding it.

Nudge: When my kid laughs after I correct them, I assume they’re being disrespectful. Coach me to respond as if they’re releasing tension—and give me a repair script that keeps us close.

What is Amari? webe Parents has partnered with Kinectin to bring you Amari, your personal AI coach. Now you can interact with the ideas from our podcasts, articles, and parenting tips — and Amari will help you apply them directly to your pesonal Life. Don't have a Kinectin Account? Create one here

To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Alona:

Hey there, we'd love for you to hit that subscribe button. By subscribing, you're helping us spread the word and connect with more amazing people like you.

Producer:

Welcome to We Be Parents, where parent doctors Matthew Letterman and Alona Polday explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together.

Alona:

Welcome back to We Be Parents, the podcast where we explore connection across the full web of family, whether that's with your kids, your partner, or your parents. Hi, I'm Dr. Alona Polday.

Matt:

And hi, I'm Dr. Matthew Letterman. In the last episode, we had the pleasure of talking with comedian, writer, and father Chris Spencer about how humor shows up in parenting, marriage, and generational patterns.

Alona:

Today, we're doing something a little different. We're going to take a moment to reflect on the conversation we And then expand it into a deeper look at how humor works inside family systems as a bridge, a buffer, and sometimes a block.

Matt:

In our collaborative, non-permissive connection strategy or our approach, it's all about caring about everybody's needs. And humor was this like super strategy to meet needs ranging from authenticity to connection, to building trust, to self-expression. I mean, so many beautiful needs can be met through humor. Absolutely. Emotional safety.

Alona:

Absolutely. And I think it's a conversation that really matters a across so many relationships. So I love it. And with partners, jokes can offer relief, intimacy, warmth. They can make space for mistakes. It's really, it serves so many wonderful purposes.

Matt:

Yeah, and interestingly, humor has a double edge. It can also block connection sometimes or guard the heart from going vulnerable. It can be misinterpreted, which then can lead to offense. I mean, I loved the Robin Williams story about what got him back to Los Angeles to perform.

Alona:

Yes.

Matt:

Because humor, there was some barriers to understanding the humor that led to misunderstandings. So it's fascinating. I didn't realize humor was such a complex sort of experience.

Alona:

And so I kind of want to tease out some of the things that we just brought up around the many facets where humor can be super valuable and well we'll start with where it can be super valuable and then we can talk about blocks and miscommunication through humor and but when it really works and I loved you know Chris gave a couple of examples and I was thinking of opportunities with our own girls where it works it can really meet a need for connection without true You know, to kind of invite and make that okay. And in that particular example he was giving, he was talking about, you know, telling his mom that he didn't enjoy her casserole and she shouldn't cook it anymore. And, you know, in creating space for her to say, oh, yeah, you know, maybe I left the oven on for too long or maybe I put it, you know, it was up too high or whatever it was. But a space where she could own a mistake without feeling that defensiveness or shame, but instead join in the joke.

Matt:

Yes. Is that oven stuck on 700 again? Yes,

Alona:

yes.

Matt:

And it's interesting because we talk about nonviolent communication and how to use the classical language of nonviolent communication, but through humor and jokes, you can achieve the same type of connection, even if the words are very different.

Alona:

Well, and you know, that's ultimately Marshall Rosenberg, the kind of founder and father of nonviolent communication. That was his message. It's not about the words. It's about the intention behind the words. And this was a perfect example of how you can use words in so many ways and it can be delivered in so many different tones and environments and settings and still be received in that connected way.

Matt:

Yeah, because behind his joke or his joking was I care about you still. But some people have been in the butt of jokes and it's clearly to make the other person feel some type of pain or, you know, you have animosity or resentment and there a joke could land really poorly. But Chris, what I like about his humor is that there's care. It's not about trying to put people down or make them feel bad. And that sounds like that's the family culture.

Alona:

Yeah. To use humor to invite connection Not to use humor to mask criticism or judgment or blame.

Matt:

Yeah. That was a big shift in my humor. I think early on when we met.

Alona:

Yes. That was a yes for you listeners who couldn't care.

Matt:

Early on, my joking style was to put things down, to make fun of, to laugh at people's expense. And you definitely did not enjoy that humor. And then I

Alona:

learned. But let's. keep going. And yet, no, I did not enjoy that humor because that's not the humor that I grew up with. It felt biting. And what was your response to that?

Matt:

My response was, I completely understand where you're coming from and I will change

Alona:

the world. Oh, no. No, my friend. No, my wonderful audience.

Matt:

We must have a different memory of what he

Alona:

has. He complained to a friend of ours that he married someone who doesn't have a sense of humor.

Matt:

Oh, yeah,

Alona:

yeah, yeah.

Matt:

Oh, it's all coming back now. So basically, you didn't use humor the same way I did. And because for you, it was important to care and the kindness and joking, you wanted to mix all those together. And it was much easier for me to make jokes at people's expense. And at the time, I wasn't connected to my needs, let alone other people's needs very well. I was using humor a lot to avoid going vulnerable. I was using humor to mask social discomforts. I was using humor for lots of things, but it was more coping than it was connecting. And I think as I've grown, my sense of humor has shifted. And I think there's a way, because you can still make, like you said, if we're laughing together. And I think there's a little bit of an art. And then knowing, hey, how is that caring about how that's landing? And everybody knows when they make a joke and someone else is laughing, but they're feeling hurt or awkward, you can sense it energetically.

Alona:

Absolutely. But I think you also bring another use that people have with humor. We use humor often to mitigate awkward situations, to But sometimes there's still a groundedness and an intention to connect. And sometimes it's, again, to relieve you of your pain. And that might come out as criticism or judgment or might not land well, which was another thing that Chris addressed. Not every one of the jokes lands well. But

Matt:

he said he was nine out of 10, though. So he was pretty good. But he's a professional. He's a professional.

Alona:

Well, he said after many years, yes. He's about an eight to nine out of 10. So that's pretty good. And then he named his own Eric. No, I'm kidding. But yes. And, you know, that there are those misses. But even in those misses, you've established so much trust. There's so much trust kind of garnered in that relationship. that it's okay to make the mess. And that's, it becomes acceptable. And you trust that you can repair even when there's a miss.

Matt:

Yes. And then you can use humor in the repair if you want.

Alona:

Absolutely.

Matt:

I think the key is what are the needs you're meeting behind it? And to be clear, if you're using humor to avoid vulnerability, that's okay too. That's providing some relief. Maybe you don't want to go vulnerable. But if you're struggling to go vulnerable and humor opens up, and prevents that self-connection or that connection with other people because vulnerability is very important for connection, then it's time to look at your discomfort with that deeper vulnerability. Again, not pushing yourself, but just to be aware that that exists.

Alona:

You know, it's interesting that you say that. I was connecting to a moment, it was shortly after my dad died, and I was seeing a therapist, you know, to kind of process the emotions. And I was like, I remember them calling me on that, that they looked and they were like, oh, I'm noticing that you smile or giggle or laugh off something that is actually really probably painful. And that I was using humor in that way to kind of slide it off, not to make it as painful, to blunt it. And I didn't even notice that I was doing that until it was called out to me. So humor definitely used in a variety of, to meet a variety of different needs. In that case, it was really relief of significant pain.

Matt:

Yeah, and self-protection. That happens with kids a lot. They'll be getting yelled at and they're so uncomfortable, they start laughing to release tension. And parents will think that they don't, they're not taking them seriously and then yell even more or get really upset when the kid is just trying to care for themselves and protect themselves from the shame and the discomfort and the tension that they're feeling that's building up in their bodies.

Alona:

Yeah, that's a really great point.

Matt:

And when you're aware of all of that, it doesn't mean you can't be upset. It doesn't mean you can't talk to your child about what happened. But to know that if connection is your goal, then continuing what you're doing is not enhancing connection, which means that your child, if he's feeling so ashamed or tense or uncomfortable, they're not taking in what you're saying anyway. So you're basically putting words out there that are going nowhere. So once you're aware of all of this and all the different ways that humor and laughing, like you were saying, you can show up differently to how you support yourself. You can use humor intentionally in different ways. You can show up differently with your kids. You can show up differently with people. So it's really helpful to understand all of this.

Alona:

So if you've been listening to us for a while, you know, we get a lot of questions about what to do in tricky parenting or relationship moments.

Matt:

Yeah, and if I'm being real, I'm asking a lot of those same questions all the time. I get into those same tricky moments as everybody else does. As much as we wish we could be there for each other in those exact moments, we just can't always be.

Alona:

Yeah, that's why we partnered with the amazing team at Connecton to create SciCoach called Amari. And we didn't just lend our names. We helped build it. and train it and brought in everything we've learned about emotional healing, connection and communication.

Matt:

Yeah, we spent years training and learning and we've created Amari who is so calm and grounded, listens deeply and responds with warmth, clarity and compassion. There's no judgment, no reactivity. In fact, we tasked our children with trying to get Amari reactive and they still haven't succeeded. It's just steady support support when you need it most.

Alona:

We use it ourselves all the time, especially when we feel stuck or overwhelmed. And Amari's really helped us pause, reflect, given us insight that helps us come back to each other. Yeah,

Matt:

we designed Amari to help you strengthen the relationships that matter most, starting with the one you have with yourself.

Alona:

And we are so excited that you can try it now at WeBeParents.com and click on WeBe connect in with a K to sign up. And when you have your Amari moment, please let us know as we'd love to hear about it. As I was listening to Chris, I was thinking how there are so many opportunities where we can implement this into our own lives and with our own girls, and especially Kylie, who has a tendency to step more easily into shame because she's a really strong internal critic. That laughter, that inviting that humor and kind of lessening the moment or lightening the moment can help her and me regulate our nervous systems and kind of create this sense in the room that, okay, this is not a great situation, but we're okay. Now we're going to figure it out.

Matt:

So this is letting you know, hey, there's a need for regulation and being able to support that and move forward with confidence.

Alona:

Well, we talk about that, right? We talk about, I think even in medicine, there's validity to the fact that laughter can be really healing, that laughter stimulates that nervous system, stimulates that rest, digest, parasympathetic, thriving.

Matt:

Safety.

Alona:

Yeah.

Matt:

And it's interesting, when you're really laughing and present, it's different. than when you're socially uncomfortable and using laughter to mask that. So some people might say, oh, well, I'm laughing when I'm uncomfortable, but that's different than the laughing that we're talking about. Like when we went to go see Puppet Up and we're there and we left and we just were laughing the whole time and our whole body felt restored. We were present, connected, and then continued to build on that connection just talking about the show afterwards.

Alona:

Yeah. And the many different ways that humor was Yeah. Humor, to make people laugh and to invite them to a space of joy, experiencing joy and connection together. Really, really, yeah, really neat to see the many ways that humor can amplify and enhance our life. I always felt, yeah, humor feels nice and joking feels nice and laughing feels great, but I don't think I quite connected to how valuable and how versatile it can be in our lives. So

Matt:

you're going to have to start joking even more? I

Alona:

know. I'm going to have to get funny. I need to connect with Chris around. You're

Matt:

going to take funny lessons?

Alona:

Yes. We actually talked to Chris about that, which I'm really excited about. We're going to invite him back. And I invite the listeners to help us out with that. We're going to share with him some awkward situations that have come up with between me and Matt or between us and one of our daughters or both of our daughters or even our parents and ask Chris it's an ask Chris how would you change this how would you put humor in this

Matt:

how would you say this in a more connected way through humor you know so telling someone you don't like what they made for dinner or you don't like the gift they got

Alona:

or how what they're wearing or the amount of device time that they're using

Matt:

or talking too much. So imagine any judgment and then how could I can, I can do it with nonviolent communication, but it'll be interesting to see how you can connect it through humor too.

Alona:

Yeah. And you know, one more thing that, well, there are many things, but another thing that I really enjoyed with Chris was he shared a story about his son where, you know, he, Chris was actually being serious and bringing up something serious. And his son tried to pass it off with, with a joke. And, And... rather than getting upset or feel disrespected or take it personally or like his needs didn't matter, Chris connected to, ah, that's exactly what I did when I was a kid, you know? And then he brought it back into connection and said, yeah, now we're serious. So jokes aside. And, you know, still maintain that boundary, but didn't sacrifice the connection. And I was thinking about it. I think part of what allowed him to do that was his growing up in a family that also utilized humor regularly in the family connection and communication dynamic. And Allowing for those messy situations to be accepted and mistakes to be made and finding the humor in it. That's really a tool that I think sits so nicely in the collaborative parenting space.

Matt:

I'm still stuck on the, did I really say that you didn't have a sense of humor?

Alona:

I'm so excited. I know you did say that. See, I'm passing it over because I've heard some I mean, sometimes it's disregarded, but I'm laughing at myself at the moment.

Matt:

That's painful. Well, I apologize. Do I need to repair or are we past that?

Alona:

We're all good. All right. This is for those listeners who are listening. They don't see us, but because we were interviewing Chris, we're actually sitting together, which is a novelty. Usually we sit in different locations. And so before the podcast started, with gentle humor, Matt said, don't look at me, look straight ahead. And here I am, like, flicking at you through half the video. So a moment to laugh at myself. Awesome. So what do we want to leave the listeners with today? What wrap-up?

Matt:

Hmm. Well, even without Chris here, I'm grateful for where the conversation took us. It just reminds me how important it is to stay curious about why we're laughing and what might be underneath it. I think there's so much more that you can get out of humor at the right time. Even our friend Mark, who's sort of a connection coach healer, what he says is using humor at the right moments, he'll compliment that when he says, I'll sort of insert humor at the right times to sort of increase the experience of empathy or sort of disarm some of the discomfort. So it's this balance where at times where humor can really help and other times where it can land really flat. And just like empathy, where you're sort of tuning in and tuning into the other person and then pivoting based on what's going to support the connection, humor, to me, I'm seeing now is another, you know, quote unquote, tool that you can use to either enhance connection or um take away from connection because even empathy people a lot of people think that oh well you can never go wrong with empathy but have you ever given someone empathy where they don't want empathy

Alona:

oh i have

Matt:

maybe they want sympathy maybe they want advice maybe they don't want you know they don't want anything right now and that's really so it's not that one size always fits all as far as connection and that to me i i I'm just excited to see humor in this different way.

Alona:

Yeah, and I think the invitation is to not be afraid, because sometimes when you hear, well, humor can build connection or it can deter it. If it doesn't land well, there's almost a fear to test it out or try it or make the mistake. But I think that was one of the many lessons that I took from our last conversation with Chris was the value of Connecting through humor, even when it's messy, even when it doesn't land well, and not to throw the baby out with the bathwater just because one time it didn't land or one time it created a mess. The many beautiful things that can come out of incorporating more humor in the family dynamic or in the relationship dynamic, you know, the ability to be more authentic in awkward situations. Because things that would make you uncomfortable to bring up, you find that gateway in through a joke. I

Matt:

did that a lot in my family. We use humor a lot to disarm discomfort or awkwardness. I find that pretty helpful.

Alona:

Yeah.

Matt:

Almost naming what everybody's feeling but not talking about. I find that I use humor a lot in that, particularly with my family.

Alona:

Yeah, I'm like nodding as I'm thinking. My brother does that a lot too.

Matt:

for example, if somebody snaps and you could do a perfect nonviolent communication response and say, hey, you know, when you just responded that way, I felt a little bit hurt or, you know, put off and it doesn't really meet my need for respect and care. So would you be willing to say it with a little less tone? Whatever, that's a classical NVC response. You can, you know, change the words or you could be like, whoa, you know, coming in hot, coming in hot, you know, or, ooh, you know, snap much, why don't you try Try again, you know, or anything like that where the humor actually could be more connecting than a nonviolent communication response.

Alona:

Yes. Yes. Yeah. I absolutely agree with that. That sense of shame and getting small versus in humor, it almost... welcomes the mess in a sense. And yeah, so I'm really taking that. That's something that I know I'm perseverating on and maybe repeating it, but I just find that really valuable. And I think for me, I really want to try and practice and bring more humor into situations.

Matt:

So you're going to start being funnier or is that what you're saying?

Alona:

Oh, I'm going to try. I need to get some joke books. I don't know how naturally funny I am.

Matt:

This episode of We Be Parents is brought to you by We Be Calm, the child calmer designed by doctors and loved by parents.

Alona:

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Matt:

You know, what about when we come up with some situations now, we'll see how you respond with humor.

Alona:

Oh, please. I'm not ready.

Matt:

What about if, let's see, let's think of one. What would be a good one to practice? With the kids or with me? What would be harder where humor might be helpful? The kids respond well to humor.

Alona:

You know, the kids, well...

Matt:

Maybe to my humor.

Alona:

No, definitely not to your humor. But yes, they do respond better. They do respond well to humor. I think, you know, one thing that came up for me right now is I think sometimes I would worry that in a heated situation, if... Since it's not part of our family culture or dynamic, that shooting in a joke might actually fuel the fire a little bit more because it's almost like, oh, you're not taking this seriously, or you're laughing at me, or really you think this is the time for a joke.

Matt:

What if we're bickering? I think, do you think humor would be helpful if we're bickering? There's times where we'll just bicker about something and one of us will say, we're just bickering. We just need to stop for a second here. And then we come back.

Alona:

I think.

Matt:

I think that would be a good place.

Alona:

I think, you know, I think even if it gets messy, it's something that over time is beneficial. Because I think initially it depends how resourced. It depends when. If I'm really not resourced or really attached to whatever I'm bickering about, I'm not going to receive humor probably as well. But that's not indicative of it being a poor choice to bring it into the situation. That's indicative of the fact that I'm under-resourced and not available for it at the moment. But I think it's a muscle that you have to build, and there has to be trust around it. And the trust is that we are using it to bridge connection, not to— Put the other person down. say things that are hurtful and you wouldn't say otherwise.

Matt:

But if we were bickering and I said something like, I think we're bickering because deep down you know I'm right and it's just hard to get there.

Alona:

Yes, when you're that ridiculous and I know that there's no way that could be true because you're never right. No, I'm kidding.

Matt:

What if we started bickering and you started breaking up? breaking into, like, an English accent. And he's, oh, when we bicker, I go into my English accent.

Alona:

Yes. I think that would be funny. I think that

Matt:

would be funny, too.

Alona:

Remember when, remember Eeyore?

Matt:

Eeyore, yes. Oh, poo. Oh, poo, right? That would be good. Or, like, when even one of my favorite lines in Frasier is when he says– I just need a minute to get down off my high horse.

Alona:

Yes. Yes.

Matt:

You know, so the humor, he used it a lot in the show.

Alona:

Yes.

Matt:

When he was like, oh, feeling a little shame or wanting to acknowledge that he made a mistake but couldn't. Yes. So.

Alona:

Yes. And that's a really good point. It's even a way to ease your own shame or to name your own shame in a way that feels more acceptable.

Matt:

Yeah. I think we've said that to each other where we say, I know you're right, but I'm having, I need more time before I can say that out loud or something like that. So we'll do it sometimes.

Alona:

Yes.

Matt:

All right.

Alona:

And just to give the audience context around, oh, poo, when Matt and I first met, I was probably on the side of Pollyanna, very optimistic. And I was

Matt:

probably on the side of finding the glasses half empty.

Alona:

Yes. And every time that we kind of clashed in that way, I would look at Matt and like Eeyore say, oh, poo. And in the same way that he just said no, he would start smiling. And it really helps to kind of disarm that situation. Right. So, yeah, I'm connecting to that. I like that. Next time we start bickering.

Matt:

You go into an English accent. I will. And I will point out how deep down I'm right. And you're just not there yet.

Alona:

See, I'm already

Matt:

laughing. See, you're laughing. I love it.

Alona:

All right, well, audience, we invite you guys to practice that as well.

Matt:

Send us, if you can, things that you would want to say but aren't comfortable saying or worry they're going to lay in poorly, and then we're going to put that on the list to translate with humor.

Alona:

Yes, indeed. Well, thank you, everyone, for listening. If you can, please take the time to leave us a review. Let us know how we're doing. Let us know what you'd like to hear and what you'd like Thanks everyone. Bye. Bye.