Ep. 48: Evergreen High School - Charlie Kirk, what do we tell our kids about these horrific acts?

Quit Telling Your Kids “You’re Safe.” Teach Them How to Face Violence—Without Losing Their Humanity.

When your child sees a real shooting video or hears about school violence, the instinct is to soothe, distract, or promise safety. Matt & Alona push back. They show you how to sit in the fear together, regulate first, name what happened honestly, offer real empathy, and only then reassure—without false promises. They also tackle the deeper trap: how “us vs. them” language and dehumanization at home quietly trains kids to accept violence as normal. You’ll learn the simple cadence that calms bodies and brains (regulation → empathy → reassurance), and how to transform scary images and nightmares with co-created stories so your child regains a felt sense of safety. 

What might challenge you (and why you’ll want to listen):

• Your comfort narratives aren’t helping: “You’re safe” can backfire when kids just watched something terrifying—honest naming + co-regulation works better. 
• The enemy-making habit: labeling people “evil/jerks” teaches kids to dehumanize—and violence grows in that soil. Model feelings-and-needs language instead. 
• Rewriting the nightmare: Don’t suppress scary memories; add safety into the story so the body learns calm again. 

Have a Kinectin Account? Explore these Nudges to see how they apply to your own life — in a way only Amari can.

• Nudge: My child saw a violent clip online and keeps asking if it could happen to them. Help me co-regulate in the moment, name what happened without sugarcoating, and then guide me through empathy → reassurance so they feel safer in their body.

• Nudge: I catch myself venting with ‘us vs. them’ language in front of my kids. Coach me to translate that into feelings and needs, so I model dignity and reduce the pull toward hate.

What is Amari? webe Parents has partnered with Kinectin to bring you Amari, your personal AI coach. Now you can interact with the ideas from our podcasts, articles, and parenting tips — and Amari will help you apply them directly to your pesonal Life. Don't have a Kinectin Account? Create one here
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To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Transcript

Alona: 0:00

Hey there, we'd love for you to hit that subscribe button. By subscribing, you're helping us spread the word and connect with more amazing people like you.

Producer: 0:09

Welcome to We Be Parents, where parent doctors Matthew Letterman and Alona Polday explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together.

Alona: 0:24

Today, we're sitting with one of the hardest questions. How do we talk to our kids about violence in the world? School shootings, wars, even moments when people are tapped for their words or beliefs. It's overwhelming and horrific for us as adults. So how do we help our kids hold it?

Matt: 0:49

And there's been a lot of, you brought this up earlier, there's been a lot of violence in the news. Yes. And most recently there was a gunshot death. But regularly it seems like there's...

Alona: 1:04

Yes. And what brought on this particular episode was a friend of ours reaching out about the Charlie Kirk shooting. And it brought up actually a lot of things because his son happened to see the video somebody exposed him to the video of the actual shooting with you know Charlie's head turning and seeing the shot as he's talking and then he's not talking anymore and something that even the mass media tried to kind of protect audiences from so it raised a lot of things one is are kids today able Thank you so much. seeing what happened but then they're seeing the reaction to what happened which is devastation on one side celebration on the other side and how do you hold all of that and what do you make of it

Matt: 2:36

yeah how do you talk to children about some people celebrating the violence and other people mourning the violence and in our hearts Killing somebody for any reason is hard to watch. And for kids, it's especially true. Kids have not gotten to the point where violence has become something that we almost enjoy. We enjoy it in our television shows and video games where you're rooting for the good guy to destroy and annihilate the bad guys. And then we feel this sense of justice. And

Alona: 3:18

it becomes murky, right? Because we think, oh, well, that's very clear. There's the good guy and there's the bad guy. there's the superhero and there's the villain but when it but it really breaks down to also us and them and there's so much ussing and theming going on in this world today that it that's a really scary piece because the more there's us and them and the more fuel and hatred and animosity and dehumanization that exists between the us and them the more that incites violence and you you Yeah,

Matt: 3:57

that's the challenge, is how do we stop dehumanizing people, even when we don't like anything that they're saying? I really believe that our words matter. Remember the sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? I think that words shift how you think and perceive the world around you and the people around you, and the words that come out of your mouth shift how those people see you and think of you. about you and it affects action and when we dehumanize people when I mean dehumanize we objectify we call them a jerk we start to separate ourselves from them and we start to turn them from a human being into some type of object that we can hate and violence is not far behind when that happens especially when we want them to stop doing something in nonviolent communication whenever you want somebody to if your goal is to get them to stop violence seems like a good option a good strategy And if we dehumanize them, we can really get violent. And I think that's the challenge. I struggle myself where I'll be like, that person's being a jerk. I think that person's just evil. And what I do is I can't say that I'll ever stop thinking those things. I think it's just for 45, 50, that's just what was taught to me. It's infused from the people around me, the movies, the tea. I mean, it's just all over. But I can recognize it and start to shift the language. and translate that. So I'll be like, oh, that person, I'm thinking that person's such a jerk. And then I'll stop and be like, that person's doing something that I really don't like. That person's saying things that really scare me. That person's beliefs don't align with any of my values. In fact, that person's saying things that makes my values hard to live by because of what they're telling me I should or shouldn't do. So I just want to get rid of them because it can be so hard to live my values.

Alona: 5:55

They don't see me, why should I see them?

Matt: 5:58

Yeah, and we think that there's no cost. In fact, I believe that when we hate people, we define them, it meets our need for protection. Like we can say, okay, we're going to protect ourselves from being hurt by that person by differentiating and we keep our guard up and we keep them at a distance because we've labeled them as bad or terrible or whatever it is. It's a trying to protect ourselves. But there's a huge cost to that. And I think that's what we don't We don't realize, we don't connect to the cause.

Alona: 6:27

Yes, because the cost is rarely that one individual creates an us and them. It's once you create the us and them, you got to, in order for it really to meet needs for protection, it can't just be you. It's got to be the whole village.

Matt: 6:43

So you rally hate.

Alona: 6:44

So you rally hate and you seed it out. And the more people that you get hating, the safer you feel because you are not alone. And So imagine like– I mean I start feeling uncomfortable right now in my own skin. How our kids feel when they see and hear these things and they come home and they ask questions like, I heard there was a school shooting. Is somebody going to come to my school and start shooting? Or I heard someone got shot because of what they said. Can I get shot because of what I say if it makes somebody else mad?

Speaker 02: 7:21

No.

Alona: 7:22

So how terrifying. And then– How do you, because the instinct is, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to, I want to protect them. These, the things that are most precious to me, these children. So a lot of times, you know, parents and I find myself starting there. We'll try and comfort them and kind of sugarcoat it. Oh, that can't happen to you. We're safe here. We're in a small little space. It's not going to happen here. Or, you know, you start, breaking it down and rationalizing well this is why it happened in this situation you know neither of those is really offering any solace to these children

Matt: 8:05

right because we're trying to make them feel better and we're uncomfortable with the fact that they're scared we're probably scared ourselves and there's this lack of practice i would say it's not even a lack of comfort although it feels uncomfortable because it's not practiced on how to be with pain and how to be with fear and it think as a parent we don't want to we want to try and move that along or we want to try and help them that hey don't worry you're safe and that doesn't that doesn't help the child I think if we can spend more time in the pain I think that's what's helpful yeah and parents are probably going to say or what do you mean be more time in the pain I'm trying to make pain feel better and it's counterintuitive because what they're really needing is not necessarily just to feel better they're trying to get to a place of understanding self-connection and inner peace and making pain go away doesn't necessarily lead to inner peace

Alona: 9:02

yes yes and we um we're uncomfortable with uncertainty we're uncomfortable with discomfort and in that in our not being comfortable with it we don't teach our kids that there are uncertain things in this well there is no certainty we cannot guarantee we cannot guarantee their safety we cannot guarantee our safety but living consumed by fear isn't the answer either and where wherein lies the balance and i think sitting with the fear is one of the first steps to kind of taking control of what we can control which is our own emotions our own feeling and our own sense of regulation and calm

Matt: 9:51

i think that's the opportunity is to role model in yourself, how you're navigating. So that one, the kid doesn't feel so alone. You're feeling, you're normalizing it and you're with them. So you're having the same feelings. And then I think there's a process. If people need a structure, I would go with regulation, empathy, and then reassurance. And regulation is just, hey, let's take, you know, my whole body is feeling like this threat mode and regulation is breathing. You know, this is where we'll have our kids do the we be breaths using the we become, or even now they, you know, These that we become at night so much, they just know how to take their weeby breaths. But that immediately helps them say, okay, I am safe right now. Even though I'm scared when I think about what happened and when I imagine what could happen, in this moment, I'm safe. And we look around and we feel our bodies and we take a breath and there's co-regulation on breathing and I shift my pace and I shift the tone of my voice and And I'm just talking to them and I'm like, let's just help ourselves feel safe. And can you talk to me as you're talking through what you're doing? And they're like, oh, I'm taking a breath, dad. and that I'm slowing down my voice and I'm talking a little more calmly. And then I'll ask them to notice. Do you notice your stomach and what that, what do you feel? You feel a little bit of jitteries in your stomach. You feel your heart, your chest. Is it hard to take a deep breath? And usually at this point, they'll say it's easier to take one now. What about your eyes? Are you squinting? Are you gristing? So we go through a little bit of a body check. All of that is around regulation. And then the next thing would be empathy. Now that their body, because you can't do empathy when they're they're dysregulated. Not very well. It's like trying to talk to a kid who's having a tantrum. Never goes well. So what then you can do, which is empathy. And that sounds like, oof, I bet that was really scary to watch that, to see somebody. And depending on what they saw, I would just name the facts because trying to not talk about it makes it scarier.

Alona: 11:58

Absolutely.

Matt: 11:59

So you might say, what was the video you saw? Oh, I saw a video and Charlie's head went back a Oh, so you heard a loud bang, and then you saw his head go back, and then people were running. People were screaming and running. They're like, yeah, that was exactly what happened. Oof, I can imagine how scary that was. When I saw the video, I can remember the screaming and the,

Speaker 02: 12:24

yeah.

Matt: 12:25

And I'm doing regulation as unempathizing with the fear that they're feeling and what's going on, and I'm slowing down. If we as parents rush through it quickly We're basically telling them we're not comfortable with this. And if we're not comfortable with something, it must be pretty bad.

Alona: 12:39

I think you did two really important things that I just want to call out, which is you— Only two? Well, the two overarching. You addressed the issue honestly and openly, and you acknowledged the fear that can arise from that, the natural fear that comes out of seeing that. rather than kind of sliding that under the rug. And so you're with your child, not only in the situation for them, but with them really traveling that path together where they see you and they see it's okay for you also to name that scary. So if you've been listening to us for a while, you know, we get a lot of questions about what to do in tricky parenting or relationship moments.

Matt: 13:38

Yeah, and if I'm being real, I'm asking Alona those same questions all the time. I get into those same tricky moments as everybody else does. As much as we wish we could be there for each other in those exact moments, we just can't always be.

Alona: 13:50

Yeah, that's why we partnered with the amazing team at Connecton to create something we truly believe in, an AI coach called Amari. And we didn't just lend our names, we helped build it and train it and brought in everyone Everything we've learned about emotional healing, connection, and communication.

Matt: 14:09

Yeah, we spent years training and learning, and we've created Amari, who is so calm and grounded, listens deeply and responds with warmth, clarity, and compassion. There's no judgment, no reactivity. In fact, we tasked our children with trying to get Amari reactive, and they still haven't succeeded. It's just steady support when you need it most.

Alona: 14:34

We use it ourselves all the time, especially when we feel stuck or overwhelmed. And Amari's really helped us pause, reflect, given us insight that helps us come back to each other.

Matt: 14:47

Yeah, we designed Amari to help you strengthen the relationships that matter most, starting with the one you have with yourself.

Alona: 14:55

And we are so excited that you can try it now at WeBeParents.com and click on WeBeConnected with a K to sign up. And when you have your Amari moment, please let us know as we'd love to hear about it. You know, I remember my dad was a soldier and I remember interviewing him for a junior high school project. And I asked him about his life as a soldier and what it was for him and what that experience was like. And he said, I was afraid all the time. And he said, you know, I wasn't that afraid before you were born because I was the oldest. But the minute you were born, everything changed. And I I feared for my life the whole time. and real true fear and at the same time was competent and living his life and laughing and smiling and adventurous and all that he became very comprehensive and real to me and that was extremely comforting and another example that I just remember is you and I you actually opening my eyes because for the longest time I would really like watching movies where something bad is happening, you know, the parents or the protector or whatever would come and say, everything's going to be okay. I gotcha. And I wanted to hear that. And I remember you saying, how did they say that? They don't know that that's true. And really connecting that, you're right. They don't know that that's true. So how can you offer that to your child too? You know, oh, everything's going to be okay. I don't know that. I don't know that everything is going to be okay. And to be able to say I don't know that everything's going to be okay but in this moment you and I are okay

Matt: 17:23

yeah and I think that's the safety is to be able to say and whatever happens we're going to handle it together yeah and whatever happens eventually you're going to build the skills to navigate that yourself even

Speaker 02: 17:33

yes

Matt: 17:34

and you can also reassure we start getting into reassurance after the empathy which is to say things like that like I don't know if everything's going to be okay I don't even know what okay means

Speaker 02: 17:46

yeah

Matt: 17:47

because it may not be exactly what we want but we're still going to be okay um and then also like hey you know kids will ask you know our kids would start jordan actually started asking like she said wait a second dad when i'm when i'm 65 you're going to be like 100 and something i'm like probably gonna be i said i'd probably be dead she goes and she started crying she's like you're gonna be dead when i'm 65 i'm like i think i hope so yeah i mean it's not very fun to be alive in your yeah but anyway what was and i gave her a hug and i said you know and we did the whole thing actually regulation empathy and then reassurance I've heard the reassurance was we're going to have some amazing times and it's so long away and you know we started talking through all that and yes you're going to be sad I hope when I when I die and it was I don't try to serve you know certain vent or pretend I'm not going to die or brush over it and I said and how are we going to navigate that sadness you have all these skills now imagine when you're 60s you know, how you navigate that sadness. And guess what? I hope you had kids and maybe even grandkids that are going to be sad when I die when I'm 110. And she started smiling and it was about making it feel real, not hiding or pretending that I'm not going to die. And it's the same thing now when she says, Dad, could you, could that gunshot happen to us? And I said, you know what? It's highly unlikely. I said, and in a world of, you know, so many possible things happening and how unlikely it is is do we want to spend time on thinking about every unlikely thing that can happen because then i started listing all the unlikely things some good some bad said we could get bit by a shark we could fall off a cruise ship we i made a huge list and and it was like she was like well this is getting exhausting i'm like but i'm not done yet there's a lot of unlikely things that you know that you know that could happen and she started realizing like wait a second all of these things could happen but unlikely so how do i want to spend my time right now i

Alona: 19:46

think that's the key you know because you know we talk a lot about hearing the unlikely and that doesn't speak to me because the unlikely happened to our family twice one when my dad suddenly died and one when my brother-in-law at the age of 41 suddenly died two very unexpected tragic events highly unlikely each one of them individually and both of them together even more so however that's That's exactly it. Like, do you want to live in these? The unlikely might happen. Yes, it might. But is that how you want to live your life? Waiting for the unlikely? Or do you want to really live in the moments and unlikely might happen?

Matt: 20:32

Yeah, I'm the first person. I'm on a plane and I don't get too scared. But sometimes the turbulence is pretty crazy. I'm like, how are those wings still attached? You know, like it's just like one of those type of things. And I'm like, at the same time, I just grab my seat. I'm like, hey, if we're going down, there's not much. I used to watch the plane. I was sort of thinking I was helping by keeping traffic. I'll watch the wing. What is that doing? I'll

Alona: 20:57

let you know if it falls out.

Matt: 20:58

And the wing is off. But then I was like, what am I going to do? And there's this little bit, and like I said, we're not trying to, you could still feel scared. I was sometimes a little anxious on the plane. But I also felt a little bit at peace that I was like, there's not much more I can do other than let her know the wing fell off. Yep.

Alona: 21:40

Yeah, no, I completely agree with that. And I think that is the key to safety is how do you allow them to find their resilience and their calm and their regulation, even in really turmoiled, uncertain times or circumstances. And that's something that they carry with them across the board.

Matt: 22:05

That's what built to me, giving kids resilience, helping them build their resilience You can't give it to them, but you can help them build their own resilience. That's what we want to do. We want to teach them how to be with sadness, how to mourn, how to be with pain. And to me, it's not just the intellectual exercise. That's where I think parents run out of ideas. Okay, well, what do we do? I think that's the process of feeling it in the body. And your brain, I think, through imagination also helps. And we can be like, hey, when we're imagining different things that In fact, a lot of the healing work we do is using imagination. I think imagination we have to help us heal. And there's all sorts of ways. We don't have to get into it now, but that you can be with these unpleasant feelings. And through that being with, that's what creates the inner peace.

Alona: 23:00

Yeah. And I think modeling that for the children, you know, I brought that example up of my father because I think until then, I kind of thought he was invincible. He's not afraid of anything. And for him to tell me how afraid he was, you know, how, yeah, you'd walk around with a gun, but that's not easy to use. So that didn't offer him a lot of comfort. And to see him as a human and to realize he is afraid of things, but he's choosing to live in this way was one of the greatest gifts that he gave me was that I could see him model for me, him living the life that he wants to live, not devoid of fear, you know, Right. Right. Because when we don't

Matt: 23:58

talk about fear, we're kicking the can down the road.

Alona: 24:02

Yeah.

Matt: 24:03

They might feel safe in this illusion that fear doesn't exist or that you never feel fear or that there's nothing to be afraid of. The world isn't. full of things that you can feel fear around right teach them how the and help them build the resilience to be with that

Alona: 24:19

that or that fear is to be feared because my mom and dad don't have fear so the only way you can be okay is not to feel that right here

Matt: 24:27

right then you suppress your model that is a suppressor exactly and that's you know even when they have nightmares we used to do these funtopia stories so so rather than trying because because nightmares it's not a process like yeah I had a dream Jordan was big with zombies

Alona: 24:46

remember nightmares scared me yeah I would tell her don't come in the middle in the middle night let me comfort you don't tell me about your dream because neither of us will be sleeping but it's horrible

Matt: 24:57

right but yeah but that to me was what you know what we did with these funtopia stories was yeah how do we navigate her nightmares to transform them versus try to not think about them or to try to think about something pleasant

Speaker 02: 25:11

yes

Matt: 25:12

but there is this unpleasant stuff that exists and and you can't just ignore it so what we did was we transformed it from something unpleasant into something that was pleasant and it actually deals with humanizing things that were that she was afraid of but but the the idea was when you know because one of the the friend that you were talking about at the beginning who had a problem one one of the kids had nightmares and it's like okay how do we talk about this at the table? How do we deal with these nightmares? What do we do? And to me, it's about, hey, not only tell me about your nightmare, but then I want you to give me exactly what happened. And what we're going to do is we're actually going to create a more elaborate story of what happened, and we're going to transform that. Right.

Alona: 26:02

In a way that you can still keep your self-regulated comment and relatively safe, as safe as you can in that moment, right? That's one of the things that really helped Jordan. Right.

Matt: 26:16

That's what the imagination's helpful. So in Jordan's, it was different than this situation where it was about a shooting and being afraid. But you can actually do these things where your brain is interested. You can create and build new things into the memories. So I used to have, with my mentor who taught me this process, I was on the bus and And I remember going to school and being so scared. There were some bullies and I was lonely and it was a real miserable experience. And we did this mindfulness exercise where she basically helped me create this new memory of that experience. And even now, as I'm remembering it, I have the new memory, which was her being on the bus with me and talking with me and being there with me. And I had this new friend. And that's my memory now, which is it's fascinating that I have this memory that used to be very scary. And now It's this memory of me hanging out with her who's helping me. And you can do that with these nightmares. You can say, hey, I had this nightmare and I was in, maybe it was what happened here. I'm in the audience and the people are shooting or they come to my school and they're shooting. And you can rebuild a new story. And that story doesn't have to be true because at this point, what we're doing is, even their imagination isn't true. So it's not about truth at this point. It's about helping them. And telling them that that's never going to happen doesn't matter. It already happened in their brain. So what we want to do is transform what happened in their brain. Do you see what I'm saying? Absolutely. So I don't know if it's helpful to give an example, but part of it is it's trial and error. So you're sort of creating this story.

Alona: 27:58

And it depends on what the story is, right? But the idea was you empowered Jordan to take kind of ownership of that situation Right. So in the case of violence, for example, it's maybe, you know, we can't guarantee you, we might not be able to guarantee your safety, but we can be present in it together. Right. You and I, you know, like you said, your mentor went on the bus with you.

Matt: 28:32

Right. And that's the idea is you're giving them, you're using a tool to give them something that didn't exist in their initial dream or nightmare. He said, okay, well, let's close your eyes and we do a whole sort of body calming. And then when they close their eyes, I say, I want you to start picturing this instead. And you're in the school and you start with the story of what they remembered in their nightmare. But then you start adding things. You add whether it could be their resilience. So, hey, if they're worried about a school shooting, well, what did you do to keep yourself safe? And that's really what it's about, is about creating safety for them in this imaginary world. So they could go to a different room. They could hide. You could show up in this new imagination world. The idea is that you're helping them create safety because what they're imagining is basically their body saying, I don't feel safe. And those are little tricks that I think are really helpful. And if at some point people want that, we can actually do one. But Jordan, And in her dream or her nightmare, it was totally different. It was about the zombies and what we shifted there. But either way, I think it's really, really powerful.

Speaker 02: 29:52

Yeah.

Matt: 29:53

People don't think that you can retell these stories in your memory or you can retell these stories in your imagination and you can add to it.

Alona: 30:03

Yes. Yes, because and in that you can create a different experience. of the story right so in your case having your mentor there with you took away some of that pain took away some of that feeling of being alone and scared and holding it by yourself that comfort and that safety of having another person on your journey and it's the same kind of thing if we name what happened and we name it honestly yes there was a shooting at a school and somebody came in with a gun and hurt other people and it It's really scary and unpredictable and we don't know when and where it will happen. And we can't promise that it won't ever happen here. Yeah. Right, and

Matt: 31:15

here's what we're going to do if this, you know, if you want to imagine all these terrible things that could happen, and what we're going to do if those things happen, if that helps you feel prepared and safe, let's do that. But to me, it's about letting those memories come, those worries come up, and then letting them go. And what helps kids let them go is helping them metabolize them by talking about them. about it. And then you can increase safety in those memories, like I talked about just a few minutes ago. And then you can say, is there more? Is that still scaring you? Should we add more safety to your nightmare? Should we add more safety to what you're imagining and worried about? And then sometimes they'll even ask them, okay, well, I hear that you're scared. What can you do that would help you feel safe right now? Knowing, you know, because what you're thinking about is making you feel unsafe. You're not unsafe right now, but what you're thinking about is doing that. So what can we add to your thoughts? What can we add? What actions can we take? And that to me is teaching them how to do that. And that's invaluable.

Alona: 32:19

Yeah. Yes, that you teach them to be prepared and to learn how to keep themselves as safe as they possibly can in a given situation, whether that's recreating the story of the memory or whether that's sheltering somewhere in a, God forbid, a real situation or, you know, whatever that is to say, okay, in this moment, how do I protect myself to the best of my ability? How do I safeguard my own sense of safety to the best of my ability? And I think that's super empowering, which doesn't make the fear go away, but also doesn't paralyze you by it.

Matt: 33:02

Just to come back to what we were talking about in the beginning, because I think we covered the kid stuff, unless you can think of anything else. But what's your thought about calling people, you know, there's some people that are jerks. There's some people that are just, you know, mean. There's good people and there's evil people. What are your thoughts on that?

Alona: 33:25

I've definitely done it and do it.

Matt: 33:28

Welcome to the

Alona: 33:29

cult. Yeah. Not that that's a... But neither here nor there. But yeah, I mean, I think that jackal language is something that...

Matt: 33:39

And just for people listening, jackal versus giraffe.

Alona: 33:42

Right. In nonviolent communication. So that judgment or criticism or blame or shame or...

Matt: 33:47

Because in nonviolent communication, we'll call language from the heart giraffe language. And that's because giraffes have the biggest heart of any land animal. And jackal is the term for more disconnecting language.

Alona: 33:59

Yes. Yeah. So, you know, do I go to that judgment? Yes. Do I hope that it doesn't govern my behavior? Also, yes.

Matt: 34:10

Are there some people that are just jerks? Are there some people that are just mean?

Alona: 34:14

Are they 100% mean? mean you know probably not I mean most people have somebody that they love and somebody that they care about and somebody that they show up for and so

Matt: 34:31

yeah even Marshall talked about some one of the people that worked under Hitler that wrote a biography and said that when he got to he came off his plane and Hitler saw him and he was didn't have a jacket on he was raining and cold and Hitler put the jacket around him and held the umbrella for him and And it was like so weird to think of somebody that I will so easily objectify and to think that he did something with that met my needs for kindness and care. And I think the bigger question is, does it serve us to judge, to lump people in that you're their mean, their evil? Does it serve us if our goal is connection?

Alona: 35:16

No, it does not. Sure. No, it doesn't serve us for if our goal is connection and peace. I don't think it ever serves us. I think the challenge is that not everyone has the same strategies to achieve success. Peace and peace of mind and safety. And in their strategies, naturally are born the us and them. And when you are a them and not an us, there's a natural desire to want to protect your... And

Matt: 35:53

hate them back. And that's what my

Alona: 35:56

strategy is, is the only way that I can treat pain is through pain.

Matt: 36:02

And we're letting other people choose how we show up

Alona: 36:06

yeah and I mean Martin Luther King had that beautiful quote of you can't drown out I'm paraphrasing but you can't drown out darkness with more darkness you gotta let the light shine in and that really is what it takes but it takes masses of us to come together and say we want to be the light in this world and we want to bring back love and harmony and peace and we don't always have to get along But we can not get along in ways that still feel safe and still keep us protected and that still honor our integrity and don't go to violence. Right, and that's the

Matt: 36:49

practice. We did a podcast a while back. Anybody here who says, I hate Trump, has an opportunity... to transform what they're bringing into this world. I don't care if you can't think of a single thing that he's done that you like, if there's not a single thing that you can see any good reason behind what he's doing. That is the opportunity. I'm not saying people need to like Trump, let's say. But I think that if we want to shift this world, that's where we can start doing our work. And you that will say, you know, I hope Trump gets assassinated or I hope, you know, all these things that when you step back, you're like, do you hear what you're saying? And I know that it's coming from anger and it's coming from frustration and hurt and sadness to see all of these tragic things that are happening to people right now. And I think that's our opportunity.

Alona: 37:55

Yeah, I mean, violence begets violence.

Matt: 37:57

And hating the hater.

Alona: 37:58

And hate begets hate.

Matt: 38:00

Yeah. And so, So how do we, you know, so when I, so the, I can't change other people. I can't control other people, but what I can do is transform how I show up. And you helped me with that. I have a problem with like customer service agents and being like caught in that. What is the, the automated message hell that press one to do this and then two and then transfer. And then they transfer me. And then I explain everything. Oh, we need to transfer you. And then you explain it.

Alona: 38:30

And then you have the automated it again

Matt: 38:31

and then i'm back in the on and then i get disconnected as soon as i and i'm like it like makes my blood boil and then these customer service agents they become awful people they're like every one of them i hate them you know it's like this you know right and i'm like angry and mean and then i get off and i'm like i feel like almost like dirty inside like i'm like i can't believe i just talked to this person in that way and i can't believe that i lost connection to my heart in that way this is somebody who has a mom and a dad you know and I'm like and then on top of that when the kids are watching me even though I used to think well I'm not angry at them what do they care but just being around that anger makes them uncomfortable and disconnects them and mobilizes their nervous system and then when I find that out I feel guilty that I'm doing that and then on top of that I still can't like get out of it sometimes and it's like a whole mess like that to me is my opportunity before I start art and I think you helped you at that one time remember you said hey Matt remember you asked me to point out when there's an opportunity to show up differently or something like that it was a very easy thing to hear and I still pardon me wanted to be angry at this person and it's like but these are my you know customer service agents is my work to do you know but I think if we all have opportunities like that we all have in-laws or kids or teachers or the kid that's mean to your kid you know You know, like, find your work. Find your opportunity to bring more kindness and to be more aligned with your heart and your values. So I'm putting it on record here that I am customer service agent. I'm going to try and transform. And that's what I said. It's not that I'm not going to get angry, but I want to be able to transform it into feelings and needs for my heart. So instead of saying, this stupid customer service agent is such a jerk. Can you believe what they said you know and they made me tell them everything you know I go on and on I say I'm feeling so frustrated right now I just want this to be easier it doesn't even make sense to me what's happening I doesn't feel fair and I am just furious about what's happening right now and I just wish that this could be easier and that I didn't have to deal with this right now so yeah that's even though I'm still upset the kids have told me that feels so much better and it helps me to not objectify this person and dehumanize them. Because I'm making it about my feelings and my needs.

Alona: 41:06

You're modeling unpleasant feelings. You're not modeling hate and disgust and dehumanization and us and them. And yeah, in the same way that we have an opportunity to be honest and model fear when we feel afraid, we do have an opportunity to model integrity and to model kindness. When we feel hate. Yeah. And to even think like, what is the world that I want my children to step into? And I do not want my children, I personally do not want my children to step into a world of hate and violence. But how can I prevent that if I'm hating and being violent, even with my words, you know? So if really, truly, that's the world that I want for them, I need to show up in a way that if I want a world of kindness, and I want a world of light, and I want a world of harmony and peace, I need to model that. I need to bring that into our home so that my children bring that to their friends. And it's the ripple effect. The more of us that can do that and ripple it out, the more we're going to feel it.

Matt: 42:18

Yeah, and that's the key, is that you model it. You don't pretend that you don't hate. You model, oh, I'm hating right now, and I want to work through this. Can you all help me? And then hopefully they'll do that too. I can say, I'm about to get on the customer service. Can you listen? And when I start to get a little angry, just tap me on the shoulder, catch it before I do. Or, hey, I'm starting to hate this customer service agent. Can you help me? I want to translate that. You're laughing. I'm telling you, it's like the, I get on these, I don't know how I get into these mazes. And then I kind of keep- I'm just thinking like Jordan. What'd she do? What'd she do?

Alona: 43:00

Jordan, the last time it happened, which is when this- That's usually a blur. Awareness.

Matt: 43:06

It's usually a blur, though. Like, I'm so worked up. What she said?

Alona: 43:09

Jordan afterwards was like, I heard you say you were getting on customer service. And I said to myself, oh, boy, here we go.

Matt: 43:20

Oh, God. I think I'm flagged in most customer service departments. Yeah, they're like, there's a guy, recall us. You know, like, oh, my God. This is embarrassing, but I'm sharing it with the group. So hopefully it leans okay. Oh, my God. Well,

Alona: 43:34

with the intention of doing it differently. That's the key. That's the key. That's the humbleness that's going to make change. It's not by pretending you don't do it. It's by naming, I do this,

Matt: 43:45

and I don't want to keep doing it. I'm sure there's someone else that struggles with customer service people. What's your struggle? Where are you struggling? You're not customer service? You struggle? No.

Alona: 43:56

No, no, no. You said when the mean kid to your kid.

Matt: 44:00

Oh, you hate them.

Alona: 44:01

Oh,

Matt: 44:02

with vengeance. Oh, my God. Look at. Yeah. If anybody's mean to your children, they become the enemy number one.

Alona: 44:09

Oh, yeah.

Matt: 44:10

And their parents are not far behind. How do they raise these kids? Yes.

Alona: 44:14

What is wrong with these people? Oh, yes. The Count of Monte Cristo, revenge. Yes, all about it.

Matt: 44:21

Yes, yes, yes.

Alona: 44:23

But yeah, that is my opportunity.

Matt: 44:24

Well, this has been, this has felt very light. I really like at the end where you said, if you want to bring light into this world, when you see all these horrific things happening, instead of going to a hopeless helpless place go to this empowered place where you can start bringing more light into the world you can model it with your kids you can help your kids bring it in you can help them build resilience you can help them connect to their hate and transform it and you can help them when their imagination starts running wild because they don't feel safe and secure you can help them with that as well This episode of We Be Parents is brought to you by We Be Calm, the child calmer designed by doctors and loved by parents.

Alona: 45:06

Struggling with bedtime routines or managing your child's anxiety? We Be Calm transforms deep breathing into a fun and engaging activity, helping kids find their inner calm. Perfect for bedtime stressful moments or anytime your child needs a little extra help to stay calm. Visit WeBeCalm.com to learn more and bring tranquility to your family. We be calm because we be in this together.

Matt: 45:37

We always like to end on one last thing. If there's one last thing you'd like people to remember, what would you say?

Alona: 45:41

That as much as I wish that I could promise my kids they could live in a world without violence, I can't. But what I can promise them is that we're going to do everything within our power to learn how to regulate ourselves, calm ourselves, try and keep ourselves as safe as we possibly can and not allow fear to consume us

Matt: 46:08

I like that alright well thank you everybody for listening we really appreciate your support please rate and review and subscribe and share and all that wonderful stuff to help us spread the word about the work that we do and we look forward to continuing and talking to you

Alona: 46:26

next time yeah thank you everyone for listening bye

Matt: 46:32

bye