webe Together
Welcome to "webe Together" with Dr. Alona Pulde and Dr. Matthew Lederman! We're parents first, doctors second, and life coaches third, blending nutrition, lifestyle, and connection medicine with nonviolent communication to help families thrive. In each episode, we'll share our "Cheers & Tears," dive into our "Topic & Tool," go from "No Skills to Pro Skills," "Bring It Home," and wrap up with "One Last Thing." Join us as we share stories, skills, and tips to help bring your family closer together using our professional expertise.
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Dr. Matthew Lederman & Dr. Alona Pulde
webe Together
Ep. 51 with Veena: Stop Teaching ‘Perfect.’ Start Modeling Love, Choice, and Repair
Challenging highlights you’ll want to hear:
- Former Miss California and mom Veena shares how a 30-day, low-oil/low-salt reset and “taste the rainbow” bowls transformed her energy—and her kids’ plates. 🍓🍋🍅
- Matt & Alona unpack collaborative parenting (think NVC “natural giraffe”), where kids get real choices—eat your greens or drink them?—and parents lead by modeling, not mandates. 🦒✨
- The marriage micro-habits that shift a whole home: weekly Sunday check-ins and a daily 6–7 second kiss to reconnect nervous systems (and let the kids witness repair). 💬❤️🩹
Lean-in moments that might sting (in a good way):
- “Perfect is the enemy of good”—ordering Sweetgreen can be the healthiest choice today, and that’s okay. 🥗
- If we fight in front of the kids, we repair in front of the kids—because they need to see the whole arc. 🔁
- Your kids’ self-worth grows when love is felt, not guessed—“All you have to do to be loved is show up.” 💗
Have a Kinectin Account? Explore these Nudges to see how they apply to your own life — in a way only Amari can.
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Producer:Welcome to We Be Parents, where parent doctors Matthew Letterman and Alona Polday explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together.
Alona:Welcome to We Be Parents, where we help families grow closer together across generations. Whether you're raising a young child, navigating the parenting partnerships with a spouse, or working on healing with your own parents, we're here to explore how connection grows in all directions. Hi, I'm Dr. Alona Polday.
Matt:And hi, I'm Dr. Matthew Letterman.
Alona:And today we're bringing back a very special guest and someone that has been such a pleasure to get to know and to talk with. And um I want to welcome Vina back. And Vena has this incredible, rich life experience from being Miss California to uh expert and and national champion, baton twirler to a mom, um, to a health at health and wellness advocate. Um, so so such a varied and incredibly versatile.
Matt:And and I would say that Vina is like our A student as far as getting all of the key parts of our program and being able to implement them in a way that is gonna make her successful for the rest of her life. And we were saying that if we could just package her up and say, everybody, just do what she's doing. It's so it's so doable. And indeed, it's just like so fun to work with somebody like you, Vino.
Veena:Thanks. I mean, I think also we came into each other's lives at like right at the right time, you know, and I think you kind of need that to have the success, you know, to want to stay in like what we talk about, the positive hamster wheel of it all. Because when we met, I had the craziest blood, you know, test ever, where like the doctor's like, what is going on? And I'm like, I'm a pretty healthy person. Like, how is this possible that my body is so out of whack? My inflammation's off the charts, like, you know, I can't lose weight. I feel like I'm gaining weight, I don't feel great, my hair doesn't feel healthy, like nothing feels good. And you cannot figure out why you can't fire off on all cylinders because that's how you used to function. And so when we met, you're like, okay, we're gonna do this like very in-depth blood test, we're gonna do this protocol for 30 days, and then you're just gonna trust the system. And I'm like, I have nothing else to lose because what I'm doing isn't working. Like, I don't feel great. And in 30 days, even I would say, even within a week, I saw a huge difference. So that's what I think it's like that positive validation to keep trying and keep doing and to keep keep learning because it just feels good. And that's the most, the best validation you can have in life is to feel good.
Matt:Yeah, you just you just felt it and you knew you were doing something right.
Alona:I love that. But I also want to name and give credit to the fact that you know, a lot of people don't feel good and they want to feel better and and you kind of give give a pathway of of how to get there, but you actually did it, which is really awesome. And you found ways to not only do it for yourself, but to bring it into your family.
Veena:I mean, that's the benefit of being a mom, is like kind of whatever you're doing is gonna translate into what your kids are doing. And then, you know, they mimic a lot of your behavior, right? And so Max is only five. He just turned five. And so whatever's on my plate is what he's picking at. And so the better my plate is, the better he eats, you know, and I think that's the beauty of it. But, you know, you can also make it kid friendly. Sometimes I'm like, hey, you know, you didn't have all your greens and all that stuff. And he's, I'm like, do you want to eat them or do you want to drink them? And some days he wants to drink them. And that's okay too. I think most of it is just like learning that there's like things that taste great that, you know, fuel your body. And every day you have different desires on how you want to ingest that. Um, you know, I think the thing about the 30 days is that it's just 30 days, but I was really nervous to start because I'm like, I, I, you know, I read like what we were doing, and I'm like, I don't know that I can do that because it just seems so different, not drastically different, but like different in the fact that I was gonna use little to no oil. I was gonna use, you know, very little salt. And I'm like, I'm just not that I've been a heavy user of either of those, but we get so used to how food tastes with that. And so to switch it up was um, that was probably the most challenging part was to mentally wrap my head around the fact that I'm like, I'm just gonna do it for 30 days because why not? And you do get creative. And I think, you know, I always tell people, like, with like, you know, we make homemade pasta sauce or pizza sauce, like balsamic vinegar will change your whole life. And there's no guilt around it, but it will change up how your your sauce tastes. And so you can have a lot of fun playing with different ingredients versus adding like a butter or olive oil or lots of salt, or some people do sugar. And like you can, you can play around and find things that work that actually still make you feel good the next day. So, yes, you're indulging in pasta, but maybe it was chickpea pasta and or lentil pasta, and you made your own homemade sauce. Actually, it can be really fun.
Matt:So the food, it's not like you're just sucking up miserable food. You figure out through creativity and this all the support, you were able to make it taste really good. You still look forward to eating, is what you're saying. I think that some people think they're gonna be miserable and they just have to suck it up.
Veena:I love to eat food and I love to eat good food. Like, I am not someone that is just like, I know this. My dad, my dad will eat a plain salad. It like kills me. Like, I am not one of those people, like, we'll go somewhere and he'll be like, no dressing, no nothing. I'm like, that is awful, but he likes it. Um, I am still someone that likes really flavorful food. And I think I get that from my mom's side because she was Indonesian. So it's like we love lots of flavor. And so you can marry those things together and have really good food. You just have to, you have to go through the grocery store and find things that can help you get that direction. Um, I always say like taste the rainbow. And like bowls are my best friend. Like making a good warm bowl is like the key to my success.
Alona:I love, I love that. And and I love um, you said two things that I want to dive into a little bit more. And the first one was modeling for your children. And it's so true and it's so valid. You know, we we see our kids and and we think, oh, you know, they're not eating healthy, or um they're not eating in the way that we want, or they're not eating enough vegetables, or and a lot of that comes from we're not modeling that or encouraging that for them. Um, and so I love that you're naming that, and that, you know, your five-year-old is gonna see what you're eating and is gonna pick from your plate and is gonna start developing um a palate similar to yours, you know, where they're gonna just they're gonna learn that, oh, actually I I like this. Um and and that you give them the choice, you know, hey, if you don't want to eat it, do you want to drink it? And and can we make that tasty? Um, you know, sometimes I remember when our kids uh went through like, oh, I do not want any vegetables. I would bake and put in like some cauliflower or I'd put in spinach and they'd wonder why, why are our muffins green, mom? Like, oh, they're, you know, look at that. Do they taste good? Good. Um so, but finding creative ways to get them to enjoy it and then tell them, well, you know what, you just ate a whole bunch of spinach. I did. Okay, I'm I think I'm okay with spinach. Um and and teaching them that. So I love that you're doing that.
Veena:And it's having flexibility within your kids. Like, I'll just say, for instance, like Eddie is my almost 15-year-old, he does not like avocados, but he loves guacamole. And my little one likes, you know, avocados and not guacamole. And, you know, some people, you know, ever there's so many different ways to parent, but for me, and like if you love something and you're gonna eat it and it's good for you, then I'm happy to make it the way you want. You know, like if you absolutely hate rainbow shard, like either I'm making it wrong or you just don't like it. And that's okay too. And so I try to really make food like a really positive experience. Fruits are very easy in our household. And I think, especially because we live in Southern California, we have great farmers market, like fruit is incredible. So that has never been an issue. Um, but it is nice when you like can get stuff so fresh that your kids are like, these strawberries taste better than candy. And that is cool, right? Like that's a game changer, like just in their mentality as they grow older. Vegetables are a little bit harder. Um, so I think it's just about like going with their ebbs and flows of like, I hate celery today, but I'll eat broccoli. And I'm like, okay, what does everybody want to eat? And that's okay.
Matt:Well, you know, we also teach nonviolent communication. Connection is a big part of the program that we teach as well. And I would call there's a term called a natural giraffe. Giraffes have the biggest, the largest heart of any land animal. And NVC is the connection is the language of the heart, connecting to people's hearts, and it's about how do we meet needs and care for everybody's needs in a way that you know works for everybody, versus I'm the parent, versus authoritarian, which is I'm the parent, and you're good. I said eat your vegetables versus you seem to resonate more, you know, almost like we would call a natural draft, even if I don't know if you're familiar with nonviolent communication, but it's you'll say, Hey, my need is for kids to nourish themselves, you know, and and get the healthy food in. But I don't need to say, eat your vegetables. I can say, hey, would you like to drink them? Would you like to eat them? Would you like to do guacamole? Would you like to eat a whole avocado? Do you see what I'm saying? Like you're collaborating with your children to meet needs, and that creates a completely different dynamic in the family.
Veena:And I was also gonna say, like, you know, Eddie popped in uh before, and like, you know, it's like today is one of those days where I'm like, you know, my husband's really busy, I'm really busy, I'm not gonna get around to cooking today. So we ordered a bunch of salads from sweet green, and that's what my kids are gonna eat. They like them, so they have choice in what they're gonna get, and then they're gonna get a ton of really great fruits and or vegetables and nuts and seeds and you know, whatever else they want in there. So I think it's about sometimes like knowing like today, I'm just not gonna get to it, but this is gonna be my healthiest choice for ordering in.
Matt:Yeah. And it's like you what you always say, adding, like you're gonna say, okay, we're gonna eat out, it's not gonna be as healthy as when I cook, but this is what I'm gonna make work, and how can we add in as much healthy stuff? Like you're saying, can we get some vegetables, some nuts and seeds, and they can have other stuff with it, but again, that the perfect is is the enemy of the good. And I think being what you're doing is what makes this sustainable long term. If you did it any other way, it wouldn't be.
Alona:Absolutely. You're finding the joy in it, you're um owning what's doable and what's not doable. You're not pushing that limit where you start building resentment toward the thing that you're trying to do, and then it becomes so much harder to get it done. Um, and you that translates into your children's experience of it. You know, I love that you said I really try and make food a pleasant and joyful experience. Um, and in that they get to nourish not only their body, but their soul with that experience. They're connecting to you, they're collaborating with you, they're having choice. I love that you even have salads and they get to kind of pick and choose, you know, what what do you want to eat of this today? Um so that's great.
Matt:That's very I'd love to I'd love to jump in to some of the parenting stuff because I'm very curious, just from talking to you about all this other stuff, I get the sense that this sort of collaborative parenting philosophy resonates with you. Do you want to ask? I know we had a couple of good questions around, you know, for example, what you know, if you were gonna sort of frame up what is your philosophy, what do you think helps create successful parent-child dynamics? Maybe we start sort of at a higher level there.
Veena:I don't know. My husband and I both kind of, you know, you well, first of all, you have to a partner that's on the same page as you. I think that's a big one, right? Like you both have to have the same thought process when it comes to parenting. You can't parent totally differently. Nobody's gonna do it exactly the same, but generally in the same area is good or the same genre. Um for me, you know, Eddie and I spent so much time, he's my older one, um, so much time together. Uh, he was homeschooled for six years. So we have done a lot of life together. So just having like, you know, he was there when my mom died. Like, you know, he's been there for like everything. And so I think it's about like showing them that you're not perfect. Like, so many people have different thoughts on like how much do you share with your kids? And, you know, my mom had Parkinson's for 19 years. So he saw life differently because of her. But um, when she had her last fall, I was really hesitant to let him see her in the hospital because it was a lot for me. Like it was really jarring. And I ended up running into like a child psychologist who was like, You seem really like distressed, what's going on? And like, well, my mom had her last fall, but she saw life support. But like my son, who's six, wants to go see her, and I just think it's too much. And she goes, Here's the deal: you can always do therapy when it's too much. But if you don't allow him the choice to go do it and see it for himself, then that is gonna be something you can't fix. And it ended up being like a really powerful moment because she was like, This is his choice. We can work on like what happens from this choice later, but you have to allow him that choice and like let him see the world for himself. And I thought that was really powerful for me to like kind of understand that is that kids are a lot more resilient than I think we give them credit for. Um, I also come from the thought process, and like we were just having this conversation the other day, is like I share a lot of life with him. He is one of my best friends, but there are times where I have to parent, and that's really hard. And that's why I told him like, it's a hard thing for me to switch into that, but I do it because I love you. And if you don't hate me or don't like me at some point, then I'm not doing my job as a mom. Like we can't always just get along and have fun together. Like there are times where, like, you're still 14 and I still have to parent. And it pains me as much as much as it pains you, but I have to do it because it's the right thing to do, is that you have to have structure. There has to be repercussions for things. Like those things still have to happen, but we can still have a lot of fun together. So I just I come from the fact that like kids also need to see who you are. It's like, you know, I've dealt with a lot of depression for like the last seven months after having like an unplanned miscarriage. And it's okay for them to see you struggle, it's okay for them to see you cry, but it's also okay for them to see you like pick up and still function in your life. And so I just want to normalize being human to them. You know, I had a mom that was so embarrassed to cry in front of me. So my entire life with her, I only saw her cry twice. And it was because I happened to open the bedroom and she was crying. And it was just so much for me to see, you know, and I think because of that, like I have had more difficulty like having empathy because I wasn't exposed to as much emotion and how to react to people having emotion. And so I see that it's like actually something that I struggle with as an adult, and I don't want my kids to have that.
Alona:I so much of what you said is so powerful and um resonates so deeply. I love your desire. I think it's not only a good thing, I think it's important to build the resilience that you talk about for our kids to see our own humanity, to see that we make mistakes and it's okay. And therefore, it's okay for them also to make mistakes. And we're gonna be sad, and it's okay for them to be sad. And, you know, all of that that you are naturally modeling for them is so important in shaping who they are and in building the resilience that's gonna allow them to make choices that serve them and support their health and well-being, um, mentally, emotionally, and physically, you know, and and so I I admire um the path that you it feels like a natural resonance for you.
Veena:I mean, I try. I have two boys, you know, and I always feel like my my greatest responsibility in this world is to raise really good partners, you know, men that are, you know, strong but not toxically masculine, that are in touch with their emotions, that are able to express their emotions, to have empathy, you know, just like kind of all the things that I think make really strong relationships. And it's not something that my parents modeled for me. Um, I think both because they're like Asian immigrants, that just wasn't part of something that they were taught, or that it's okay. You know, we live, you know, I grew up in a world where you just like brush things under the rug, brush things under the rug. And like that's not how I want my kids to be. You know, I want them to be okay with like confrontation. I want them to be okay with not being okay, you know, to talk about their feelings. Because if we, we're not mind readers, like if we don't talk about these things, then how is the other person supposed to know? Like then they can't express empathy, they can't have a conversation, they can't do all of those things. So, you know, I've been in therapy for a long time and it's it's as much as I'm learning, I'm trying to teach them how not to end up in the same chair with the same issues.
Alona:So if you've been listening to us for a while, you know we get a lot of questions about what to do in tricky parenting or relationship moments.
Matt:Yeah, and if if I'm being real, I'm asking Alona those same questions all the time. I get into those same tricky moments as everybody else does. As much as we wish we could be there for each other in those exact moments, we just can't always be.
Alona:Yeah, that's why we partnered with the amazing team at Connectin' to create something we truly believe in. An AI coach called Amari. And we didn't just lend our names, we helped build it and train it and brought in everything we've learned about emotional healing, connection, and communication.
Matt:Yeah, we've spent years training and learning, and we've created Amari who is so calm and grounded, listens deeply and responds with warmth, clarity, and compassion. There's no judgment, no reactivity. In fact, we tasked our children with trying to get Amari reactive, and they still haven't succeeded. It's just steady support when you need it most.
Alona:We use it ourselves all the time, especially when we feel stuck or overwhelmed. And Amari's really helped us pause, reflect, given us insight that helps us come back to each other.
Matt:We designed Amari to help you strengthen the relationships that matter most, starting with the one you have with yourself.
Alona:And we are so excited that you can try it now at weebarents.com and click on we be connecting with a K to sign up. And when you have your Amari moment, please let us know as we'd love to hear about it. What was the turning point for you? It sounds like you had a very different upbringing to how you're trying to bring up your children.
Veena:I mean, I'm first generation. So I think just in that, it's a little bit different. Like my parents came to this country when they were 18. So very, very different. My mom didn't speak any English. So just the whole experience is different. Um, whereas my kids are second generation. So I think there's, you know, and our our society has evolved a lot, talking more about feelings, that men can have feelings. And, you know, that it's okay to be depressed. Like, there's just so much more awareness and acceptance of how we're doing as humans. And I think that's a really beautiful thing. And it's something that, like, you know, I'm looking at the struggles that I've had, and I'm like, if I can work through that and then share with them or at least let them know different ways of being, I think they'll be more successful.
Matt:And one of the things that is really important in our parenting and philosophy that you seem to naturally do is treating kids like human beings, they're they don't have to treat them like adults, they're not adults, but they're humans versus the way a lot of people parent is almost like they're a commodity. Like this is my they're they they dehumanize them to some extent and or objectify them. And I think that that can shift how we relate to them, it shifts how we show up. I think that's one thing that's really important. And then the other is to realize that it doesn't matter what we say, it matters what we show. So if I talk about feeling shame, if I talk about feeling jealousy, if I talk about feeling embarrassed, and I bring it up and it's authentic when that happens, and then and you see me talking about it freely, that's when they learn how to do it. They learn that it's okay and they learn how to do it. So I think the more we can show up, you know, in that vulnerable way and teach them the skills of navigating that by modeling it, the more powerful ex you know, they're gonna the more they're gonna learn.
Alona:Modeling it and um in the way that you show up with your kids, you're building a tremendous amount of trust. So I imagine that when you transition from pal to parent, your kids uh also step into that with a little bit more grace and allowance, you know, and and that trust that, okay, mom, mom is saying something that I may not like, but I'm gonna at least take into consideration.
Veena:Oh, I don't know if Eddie takes any of it into consideration. I would be fooling myself if I thought that. Um, but you know, it's like you just have to be unpopular sometimes, right? And I think, you know, I have two boys and they're very different ages. They're almost 10 years apart. So parenting so far has been easier with Max because I know what to expect. And I also know, like kind of my pitfalls that I had with Eddie. You know, I used to threaten a lot of things and never follow through, but with Max, I'm like, I'm cold hearted, I'm just gonna follow through with it. If I say this, and that is the law, and it's so much easier. Um, it's always hard in the moment, right? Like parenting is not easy, but you know, kind of going back to your point is that I think, you know, you guys spend a lot of time with your kids. We spend an insane amount of time with our kids. And so you want to like create your best buddies, like people that you enjoy hanging out with. And so, you know, part of that is like, you know, laying down the law when you need to, but then also like having a lot of fun together and like getting to know them and indulging them in the things that they love and like sharing the things that you love. And I just think it creates like such a cool dynamic. So we really like look at it like we're raising like, you know, our our like best friends. We're gonna be with them, you know, our whole lives. So we want to raise cool people.
Matt:Yeah, of course. You gotta teach them how to be cool and funny and fun. Otherwise, you're like, I don't want to hang out with boring kids.
Veena:All right, you don't want to do anything together. I'm like, we spend so much time together that we all have to find a way to like have lots of fun, and we do. And um, that's the best.
Matt:What's what's something that you wish you did better or something that you're still working on personally growing around your parenting?
Veena:Ooh, probably more structure. I really struggle with structure. Like I'm I'm more of a creative, so I just kind of like go with the flow. But I also really realize with kids like having a lot of structure is helpful. And then also building, um, enforcing building self-sustaining skills as they get older. So, like, right, Eddie's almost 15, and I'm like, you know, I don't think you'll be out of our house when you're 18. But like if you were to think about that idea, what sort of skills do you have right now that would make you able to self-sustain? And he's like, not many. I'm like, okay, right. So that's like, that's a big one, right? Is like, you know, teaching him how to do laundry, teaching him how to cook, teaching him how to like, you know, balance his money and doing all the like kind of soft skills of becoming an adult, I think are really, really important. And so like I'm, you know, kind of dawned on me the other day where I'm like, okay, this actually needs to be more of a focus, like because that time is coming sooner than I think.
Matt:How does um that's important? I remember before college, like right before I left, I was like, mom, how do I do laundry? You know, and it was like it's like I had to like write it down. I'm like, oh my God. But you figure it out too, you know, there's someone next to you in the laundromat, and they're like, what do you do? You're watching them pretending not to look at them. Yeah.
Alona:You're watching them not know what they're doing and repeat the same.
Matt:They're watching the person next to them.
Veena:Right. But it's like, I want to, you know, food is getting increasingly more expensive, like substantially more expensive. Like I was even just looking at my grocery bill from like six months ago. I'm like, the same things I'm buying are substantially more. And I I imagine that as our kids get older, it's only gonna get more expensive. And so I think it's about teaching them like the skill of like what we're talking about is like how to eat well and how to make tasty food that's still healthy, because that's gonna be the way that you can really maximize your budget. Otherwise, you'll just blow through it.
Producer:Yeah.
Alona:I even I I think even giving them the awareness that, hey, there is something called a budget. Money doesn't grow on trees and you don't just have an endless amount because you know, mom and dad go to the supermarket and bring all that stuff home. Um, and so raising their awareness around that and for you to um again, it it feels like a very collaborative effort where you're calling in Eddie and kind of saying, Hey, this is kind of what I'm thinking about. And then how do we go about this? Um, and I love that. How how does I I I don't even I don't even know is he aware of the gift that he's being given around parenting, or is this kind of like something you're gonna do?
Matt:He just thinks this is normal. I mean, he probably just thinks this is how all pay all kids get in. Or does he compare himself to other kids and say, wait a second, there's something different here?
Veena:I think he knows there's something different. I mean, he him and Max are very different too. So I think that it depends on the child a lot too, right? Their personalities, even if you raise them the same, like my two kids are so different. Like, you know, Max is very much like a sweet bull in a China shop, just like kind of beasty, you know, and Max or Eddie's like very gentle and careful, you know, like they're just so different. Like, you know, Max is jumping off the dining table. That's something that Eddie would have never done, you know, and it's they're both very, very different. But I also think like much to your point, Matt, is that, you know, like with Eddie, we do talk about money, you know, and that used to be a very taboo subject for people to talk about. But it's like, even if you go to the thrift store, I'm like, look, here's a coupon. And Eddie's really good about that. Like both of my kids are. Because I'm like, it's really not about like changing the value of the item, it's just about maximizing your budget. And so, you know, I really, you know, I want to normalize all of that for them. And I want them to eventually be with people that also appreciate those same skills because otherwise it's hard to be in a marriage. Like if you have one people that one person in a marriage that like loves a good deal, and the other person's like, you know, like I can't stay on the side of like a coupon, it doesn't work. So my husband and I both like kind of have that same mentality when it comes to money, and it just creates a lot less stress around it.
Matt:Well, I'm curious, which of you did Max learn to jump off the dining room table from? Was it you or who's jumping off the table?
Veena:I'm gonna assume it's Ryan. Ryan and Max are like cut from the same bolt of cloth. Like they're just there's so much about them that is the same. And so Eddie and I are a lot more alike in our general nature.
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Veena:Ooh, I mean, that's a hard question. I think like in a variation of that question, I would say the biggest thing I lead with is like for my kids to always know how deeply I love them because I never want them to show up in therapy because their parents didn't love them enough. And that is like my one overarching thing. Is that, you know, and I always like, especially with like younger kids, like Max is five, is that even when we're not getting along, I'm like, I love you every moment of every day, but that doesn't mean that we always have to like each other. But there will never be a moment that I wouldn't go to the ends of the earth for you. Like, I think it's so important for kids to know that deeply. So I hope they carry that in their life.
Matt:I love that. There's a uh a quote, I think it was from Mark. Marsha Rosenberg, who who created NBC nonviolent communication, he said you want kids to know that all they have to do to be loved is show up. And I think if you can do that, you really you're giving them a gift. Versus get good grades or behave a certain way or any of that other stuff that I know, you know, parents are not consciously trying to teach their children, but we we sometimes do.
Alona:Yeah, and that in our messages, you know, we we inherently kind of teach them that when you're good, you're loved, and when you're not, you're not, and you are giving them uh almost permission to we may not like each other. I may not like something that you do at the moment, but I sure do still love you. And that's a really powerful message to get that it's okay to disagree, that it's okay to be mad at one another, it doesn't diminish the love that we have for one another.
Veena:Well, and I think a lot of that stems from my parents. So, like my mom, you know, loved me deeply. And so, yeah, we spent a lot of time together too. So there was a lot of conflict, but there was never a moment where I didn't think that she loved me. Whereas my dad would never express love uh physically or with words. And so that was a big struggle for me. And I just don't want that. And now, like, you know, the day my mom died, my dad turned into like a really great dad. And so I'm always grateful that I have that experience now, but that wasn't the 35 years that I had him growing up. And so, you know, it's like we talk about this a lot, like Ryan and I, when your cup, whether you're, you know, whether in your marriage or with your kids or, you know, friends, when your cup is full with gratitude and love, you can like chop away at it and it's okay. You know, you can have a cutting comment, you can say something that's offensive, but you can, there's resilience in that. But like I'll say, for instance, growing up with my dad, my cup was empty. So when he would say something cutting, the whole thing just shatters. And that is really hard on your self-confidence and self-worth. And it's just not something that I want to replicate.
Matt:How do you um navigate self-worth now? How is that for you?
Veena:Ooh, that's a tough one. I mean, self-worth. Um, I don't know that I've thought about that in a long time. You know, it's like I think of myself as someone that works hard, that loves hard, that loves my family, and I try to be a good human. And that's that's probably good enough for me to have self-worth. Is like hopefully what I put out into the world makes a tiny positive difference. And if I can do that, then that's then I've done my job.
Alona:There's a grieving in the relationship that you discussed with your dad, which is kind of it's almost like a guessing game. There's not that um vo the the um expression or the reassurance almost, you know, that you offer for your children. And it leaves you in this kind of unpredictable, uncomfortable situation of you don't have that trust, that trust that even though maybe inherently deep, deep inside, you know your father loves you. But hearing that, feeling that, g having that embedded in yourself is so different than just thinking it. Um and that you're able to tap into that and and really connect to that and consciously choose to show up differently for your children. Um, I think that's really I think that's really cool.
Matt:Well, there's a difference between, like you said, knowing someone loves you and then it feeling it in your body through their you know, presence, through their energy, through how they show up. That's a totally different experience. And it's a real gift to give your children that loving attention and presence and and empathy, which is just basically saying, you know, you matter enough, just I just am happy being around you. I'm just happy being in your presence. I'm just happy loving on you. And it's a lot of I think a lot of parents put pressure on themselves to like do things and make you know it's gotta be fun and active, and you know, we gotta do, you know, yeah. They put a lot of pressure on themselves to entertain or do something a big grand gesture. And really, I think it comes down to if you can just give them loving attention and presence and allow their authentic self to come out and be accepted, I mean, you're you're you're doing 90% of the of the parenting right there.
Alona:And make it okay to make the mistakes and make it okay not to like each other at the moment and you know, to disagree and to to be to experience all of those human emotions together. I think um I imagine that, you know, Vina, kind of as you go through all of those various things and you model for your children sadness or grief or worry or whatever that is, there is a level of stability in the relationship that you all have created together where it doesn't those emotional experiences don't rock the boat in such a way as to just, you know, have everybody drowning.
Veena:Right. And I think part of that is like normalizing everything, right? Like we all have a great range of emotion, whether we express it or not. And I think in order for our kids to have a much better emotional quotient than like I did or my husband did, it's like we have to show the emotion for them to be able to like react in, I don't know if it's the right manner, but a more appropriate manner to what is going on, right? And that ultimately is going to make them have better relationships with their friends, you know, their future family, their partners, like all of those things. And, you know, kind of going back to my dad, I think like the, you know, the interesting part about my dad is that the day my mom died, which is over eight years ago, he turned into a really great dad. My dad now knows like my exact birthday. He knows, he says, I love you. He sees my children every week. He's like loving, he hugs. Like it just, it was such a transformation. And I'm so grateful that I get to experience this side of him because my kids were like, What are you talking about? Grandpa's like the best. And I'm like, you don't know him the way I know him. You know, and I think that's a beautiful thing. I'm so glad that they get to experience like a different side of them. But, you know, also like, you know, I wanted to mention like all the things that we're talking about with our kids are the same things that you have to have in your marriage. And I'm learning that that is so incredibly important, right? Like we can tell our kids, you know, I love you all the time, but do you tell your partner, do you like look to get up in the morning and like want to serve them and make their day better? You know, and so I feel like in the last like seven months, I've had so many mental transformations just in how I see all my relationships and just in turning to like Ryan and being like, I wonder how I can make his day better. Or did I like tell him I love him or express gratitude or fill his cup in some way? And just doing that without wanting something in return has been like so beneficial to our relationship. Like, you know, like it just changes the dynamic of your marriage. And he does the same thing. And I'm like, it's crazy that we've been together for 17 years, but just in the last, you know, four to six months, we've had the best relationship of our marriage. And I think it's it's small, tiny things that really make a huge difference.
Matt:It's those small, tiny things, not the big gestures that really add up.
Alona:Yeah, and connecting to gratitude, connecting to contribution, connecting to a desire to enhance the relationship and then kind of owning your role and seeing what that is and showing up um differently.
Matt:Um I think at heart level.
Alona:Yeah, I think all plays a role, and and I think it's so important because our kids see that too. You know, and that's one of I think the biggest factors in maintaining that predictable, stable environment in a home is how parents interact with one another.
Matt:Uh yeah, because they see, in fact, that's a rule of ours that if we fight in front of the kids, we make up in front of the kids. Even if we make up in, you know, outside because we talk about it, let's say outside, we redo the conversation in front of them for them to see the full arc. The whole arc.
Alona:Yeah.
Matt:I think it's really important how you show up in your relationship.
Alona:And I think that's really, you know, just speaking of that, I think that's made a really big difference in how they perceive it. I remember, especially our oldest, um, if we did argue, she would get, when she was younger, get really tight and nervous around it because she didn't s know, well, what is this going to mean in the long run? Um and she has seen over and over again, you know, repair um happening. And now if we're getting in an argument, she'll notice, and you know, and there's still some tension, but there's a trust also. Oh, I I trust that a repair is somewhere down the road. Um, I think speaking of repair, how what does that look like in your household?
Veena:I mean, I would say historically, like I said until like, you know, four or six months ago, probably not the best. Like there always is repair, right? Like, because truly, you know, Ryan and I love to be married. But I don't know that I was in touch with like how I contributed to the lack of repair. Right. Because sometimes, you know, it's like I'm learning about myself that like my resiliency zone can be very small sometimes, depending on the situation. And so the real goal is to like increase the resiliency zone when things don't happen in a way that I want them to. And um and so I feel like as I'm growing, I'm able to turn in more because again, this isn't what was modeled to me. So I that's not the skill set or the tool set that I like turn to a lot, which is like turning into my partner to be able to hear a different side, to, you know, no matter what is going on, still have that, you know, whenever I see him, like that six to seven second kiss, which I didn't realize is like so connecting on like a physiological level, you know. And so I feel like, you know, as I'm doing these things, it's like it's just changing my whole perspective on the world and relationship. And I know it's a good thing for my kids to see too, right? And so we're we're just a work in progress. And some things I have to work on a lot more than others. But you also get the positive validation in it. So that's the good news is like as you make these small tweaks and changes, you see all the benefit. And when your relationship with your kids is good, and when your relationship genuinely, deeply is good with your partner, the whole world feels like a better place, right? Like I feel like I can sleep better, I show up better at work, I'm more focused, like all these things fire off. And so it's like, I think we both made this choice like six months ago, where like we're just gonna hop into a different hamster wheel and we both have to commit because this that's going on here isn't working, right? It's just kind of like bouncing all the time, like at rock bottom. And so we switched into this new hamster wheel, and it's it's been fantastic.
Matt:What's the what is if you were gonna, you know, at a high level, what's the new hamster wheel compared to the old hamster wheel?
Veena:The new hamster wheel is one where like I wake up and I want to see how I can make his day better. You know, that's an easy one. Like, how can I serve you in my day and genuinely not look for something in return, right? Like, not keep a scorecard. And to also, you know, when he comes home from work, I work from home, he goes to work. And so it's like connecting with that like six second kiss, like to just kind of check out of where I was and check into a new space, you know, to also have like softer corners and edges, like that's not something that like I turn to. And like another huge one for me was like somewhere in the last several years, like I've turned into having more masculine energy. And so it's like turning back into my feminine and like really loving that because you can still be a powerful female, but in her feminine. And I really love that. So just kind of doing those things, having open conversation where I'm open to feedback instead of just being like, I'm gonna put up my defensive wall. So it's just really reframing like conversations, how I'm gonna go into a conversation. You know, we do a weekly check-in every Sunday for an hour and we really just talk, and that's an open space to, you know, you know, is there something that I could have done, or did I say something that, you know, rubbed you the wrong way? So it kind of gives you that space to not let things fester. And so I'm just I'm learning a lot about myself. You know, it's like the other day he said something that he didn't mean, and I and it took me a second and I could feel it in my body, and I'm like, my throat's tight, this is going on. And I'm like, okay, instead of letting it fester, let me just ask him what he really meant. And I actually completely misunderstood it. But historically, I would have let that fester and then it would have turned into something. And so I'm just I'm learning new things. And I think that's kind of like everything we've talked about is that there's never not a good day to try new things.
Alona:Ah, that is very well said. I love that, and I love the energy that that brings into a relationship and the intention that you both are setting to show up differently and to see, you know, how do I contribute, how can we contribute to one another? How do we connect in a deeper and more authentic way? And even if that involves scary honesty, and I love your regular check-ins and the invitation to have that authenticity and vulnerability and to receive that feedback. Um, that that's hard to do, and it's a gift you give each other, and it builds the the strength in a relationship.
Matt:Yeah.
Alona:Yeah. I I love that.
Matt:Just that time to connect, you know, to make space that you don't have to fill it, but it's there for you two to be together and connect at the heart level versus the transactional to, you know, or you know, the head level, making that space.
Veena:Yeah, and I was gonna say, and I think the differentiation is like there's date night, which is like having fun together, but then there's like this hour of intentional conversation, like two very separate things. And Ryan's really good about being like, no, we have to. It's seven o'clock on Sunday, this is what we're doing. And so I need someone to put that structure in that's like, this is what's happening, and it's on our Google calendars, and that's what we do, you know, every Sunday from 7 to 8 p.m. And so it's it's a good thing. And like I think my word for the year is like intention, is like to have intention with everything we're doing. And so even if you're not gonna make the best choice, at least you intentionally made it.
Matt:Yeah, I like that. And that's and that's what you're doing, whether it's health or food or parenting or partner relations with your partner. It's it's all about the intention because you really do have more choice than people or people had more choice than they realize. I agree. Once you're intentional, you connect to your choice.
Alona:Well, I love it. And Vina, honestly, I could probably talk to you for hours.
Matt:Yeah, we will be able to. I want to I want to find out though, when how do your kids feel about the seven-second kiss? Do they are they there or are they they're like growing up? Oh yeah, they're there. They don't mind, they're like they don't care.
Veena:They don't get them they don't get the peanut gallery. No, no, no, no, no, I mean not yet. Maybe Max will get there. But I mean Eddie's used to it. But I it's like I didn't realize what a difference that seven seconds makes.
Alona:Yeah. And I love that you said that. Six to seven seconds. Who doesn't have seven seconds to connect with another person? Um, I love that. So it is all about intention. And Vina, I would love to bring you back. Um it this has been so much fun.
Matt:You should you you should do a parent, like a mom, a class or a support group or something like that for moms. I think the community, the camaraderie, it would feel so good. And and you both, you know, from uh your desire to grow and like be intentional and learn and be vulnerable and learn from your past. What a gift. So thank you, Vina.
Veena:Thank you. I mean, I'm so glad that our paths crossed when they did, and they won't uncross.
Matt:Well, thank you everybody for listening and taking the time. Please, of course, rate reviews, subscribe to the podcast, and then write in. Uh you can email us at parents at we be together.com with any questions, comments, requests. We'd love to hear from you. Thank you everybody for listening. It was wonderful, and we'll talk to you next time. Thank you.
Alona:Thank you, Vina.