webe Together
Welcome to "webe Together" with Dr. Alona Pulde and Dr. Matthew Lederman! We're parents first, doctors second, and life coaches third, blending nutrition, lifestyle, and connection medicine with nonviolent communication to help families thrive. In each episode, we'll share our "Cheers & Tears," dive into our "Topic & Tool," go from "No Skills to Pro Skills," "Bring It Home," and wrap up with "One Last Thing." Join us as we share stories, skills, and tips to help bring your family closer together using our professional expertise.
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Dr. Matthew Lederman & Dr. Alona Pulde
webe Together
Ep. 54: Stop Being “Right.” Start Being Close. 💬❤️
What if your need to be right is actually what’s breaking your connection? In this episode, Matt & Alona unpack how “correcting” can quietly shut down your child—or partner—and how to shift from facts to feelings instead. You’ll learn a 4-step pause that replaces fixing with empathy and helps you connect before you correct.
Moments that hit home:
- ✨ When your kid says “nobody likes me” — and why “that’s not true” misses the moment.
- 💔 The “helpful” correction that made a child shut down.
- 💡 Why couples jump in to be “right,” and how waiting protects closeness.
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Producer:Welcome to WeBee Parents, where parent doctors Matthew Letterman and Alona Polday explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together.
Alona:Hello and welcome to We Be Together, where we explore the moments that build or break connection across generations. I'm Dr. Alona Polday.
Matt:I am Dr. Matthew Letterman.
Alona:And we are happy to be here with you all today. Today's episode looks at one of the smallest ways that um connection gets ruptured. And also the one that's hardest, or at least one of the hardest to stop. Correcting someone's details even gently, and how it can really impact connection and shut down vulnerability in seconds. We're gonna look today at what drives that impulse, why it matters more than you think, and how to stay with the heart of someone's story, even if their facts are off. But before we jump in, let's do a little check-in. How are you doing?
Matt:And before we check in, I want to ask everybody to please subscribe and share the podcast. Please feel free to email us at Together at we be together.com. And we are excited to hear from you.
Alona:Yes, we are. All right. So before we jump in today, Matt, how are you doing?
Matt:I am doing well. I was a little stressed this morning.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:You know those times where you have like a plan and then it doesn't work out.
Alona:It all turns on its head in a moment's notice. Well, the problem is all having children. Yeah.
Matt:Okay. I create these plans and every minute is accounted for. So if I just as much No, there's a podcast topic. There's a problem, right? All right. So you're correcting me.
Alona:I'm I'm with you in this story.
Matt:All right, dog, I'm kidding. So the problem was, you know, I get one thing and it starts to weigh. It's two, it starts to stretch, and three, it was like bursting. So that was tough.
Alona:Yeah.
Matt:And then I get irritable because it's not working out. Yeah. And then I see the impact of my irritability on everybody else. And then I feel bad about that. And then I get frustrated that I'm getting irritable. It's a whole downward spiral.
Alona:Oh boy. What a morning. And that all happened, what, before eight o'clock this morning in the morning. So that's me. Busy morning. Yeah. How about you? I am uh doing well. I'm doing well. This is uh this is a really interesting topic for me because it takes a variety of different avenues. And at first, and I'll get into it a little bit more, I was like, yeah, I do this sometimes, but this is not one of my pain points. And then it hit me another way that it shows up in life. I was like, oh, I do that a lot. So we'll get we'll get into all of the different ways that we correct before connecting and um what that the impact that that has.
Matt:Um and this actually came up for you through something else that you read that sort of frustrated you in a way somebody responded to me. And you weren't the end of the details of what happened or who it was, but it sort of started bubbling up and then it became more and more of an issue. And then we said, Oh, this is actually a bigger topic, right?
Alona:Yeah, well, I started to notice how pervasive it actually is in our society because it's something that sometimes, um, or often at least, I didn't notice in the moment. I noticed the impact on the connection, but I didn't notice and correlate it exactly to the correction. And yeah, so what happened was you wrote an article and somebody and there was a gist of the article, and somebody took a fat a fact that wasn't exactly correct and pulled that out and named it. And when I read the comment, I I was I found myself a little jolted and jolted, like surprise. Like, why would somebody take the time to make that minute correction?
Matt:Also, there was a like a hey, see that you don't do that again type of thing at the end. Right. And there was no comment on the actual heart. So it was almost like the the goal and the point of the article was not seen, or at least it wasn't acknowledged.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:And then focus on this, which was about their needs for accuracy and then so really was disconnecting.
Alona:I even I after I read it, I even went back to read the article to see like, wait a minute, was that a big piece of the article that I missed? And it really was like neither here nor there. It was completely insignificant in what you wrote. And so then I noticed, I started thinking like, why is that there must be a need that is being met, otherwise somebody wouldn't take the time to actually do that. So what needs are being met when we strive for accuracy over connection in a moment? And then I started noticing it shows up a lot in little things that we do throughout the day, whether it's um, you know, our child uses a word that we we would use differently or we would choose a different word, or um they come and say, and this is where I found myself correcting, where they come and say, nobody likes me, or I don't have any friends, and I'll jump and say, Of course you do. That's that's a correction. I'm seeking accuracy, which is of course you have friends. They're lamenting over something that is bothering them.
Matt:So when you say, when you reassure them or try to help them see it differently, that's about your needs, and they're busy feeling their pain around not having friends. And rather than get that pain acknowledged and held, we ship to our needs.
Alona:Yeah, I'm pulling them out of the story. So I wanted to talk a little bit about what drives that need for accuracy. The first insight that I had is sometimes we use accuracy as kind of a personal armor, a way to um quell our own fears or bring ourselves back into control, right the world. You know, if if the fact is correct and everything else is okay in the world. And if the fact is off or the story is off, then it almost destabilizes us somehow. So it's an effort to regain control in a situation, um an urgency to fix or clarify or yeah, there could be different needs.
Matt:Right. Definitely, you know, we called in nonviolent communication the fix-it jackal.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:Which is either trying to fix the pain or fix the information or Yes. And it's and when you and it's really, it's not that that's wrong. It's it's not that it's even unhelpful at times. It could even be helpful in the moment, but it takes away from the connection.
Alona:I think that's the thing. It's it's not it's not a right or wrong situation. It's more what is the impact in a given moment? And maybe it's hold on to that for a second. There's there's time to correct after you've had an opportunity to connect. And and also to discern, is it really necessary to correct? You know, like in in a joke or a story, and you're expressing your frustration in the story. Oh, we were in the airport for like 17 hours when really it was five. You know, does somebody really need to make the point that it was five and not 17? The the bigger story there is that it felt like forever sitting at the airport. Right. You know, the the exact number of hours probably doesn't matter much.
Matt:Right. Um and at the same time, it can be upsetting, or there's like a discomfort when somebody exaggerates stories to where it's not a shared reality.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:So it's so it's you know, there's needs for shared reality, there's needs for trust, there's needs for you know being seen in the way you want to be seen, or I mean, there's so many needs. And that's where I think it's helpful instead of deciding is it okay or not okay to correct, to focus on the connection between you and the other person and determine what's going to serve that connection most in this moment. And if you're going to correct or fix, check if the other person is ready to receive that and interested in it. If not, you have the facts that you need so that you're good. The question is, does it help the other person? And if you're just throwing it at the other person, it can be off-putting even if it's correct. And that reminds me of the story when I was uh at dinner with at a friend's house, and the daughter came down and was talking and said something that was grammatically incorrect, and the parent in the front of the group corrected them. And I could see the child just sort of shut down and then went about didn't fight back. Clearly that they knew that wasn't gonna be helpful. But it also was extremely disconnecting. Why? Because you want your child to learn proper grammar? Oh, that's a great goal, but is that supportive in the moment? And when we see kids that shut down and don't talk, we have to think about what we're doing that's increasing the chances that they're going to shut down and not talk, or that had they have learned that for whatever reason talking is is not as comfortable, or at least at times. I think that's a perfect opportunity. If we're correcting them, we're contributing to that problem.
Alona:Yes. Yes. I, you know, it that story reminds me, I have a friend, and my friend used to do that um to stand up and correct as a way to get into a conversation. Um and the irony of it all is the more she did that, the more she was alienated out of the conversation because it wasn't appreciated. There was no discernment around is this the time and does this actually contribute to our connection? Um so I think you you nailed it. It's not about right or wrong, it's about discernment. It's about when and where and what are you contributing or severing in the process? Um, and then to to have eyes on that, because in that situation that you shared with the daughter and the mom, it's not like there wasn't an opportunity for repair there. It as soon as the mom saw the daughter shut down, she could have owned her own, you know, faux pas. Oops. Right. I did it again.
Matt:Right.
Alona:Or whatever, whatever, um, however you want to get out of that situation to humble yourself and backtrack. Um, but I think I think that that doesn't happen a lot because we're not aware of we think our job as parents is to mold our children. Yes.
Matt:So if we correct their grammar, we're like, oh, we just did it, you know, we pat ourselves on the back, we just did a good job. Right. We're more competent as parents because we don't want children representing us as having poor grammar. Right. So it comes from uh an and you know needs as well that are trying to meet. Again, it's just disconnecting.
Alona:Yes. Yes. It's some tragic strategies to meet those needs, I think, or you know, disconnected.
Matt:So I'd love to I'd love to share some insights that we came up with. And if you have thoughts or comments on them, I think that would be helpful. So one of the insights was that correction frequently feels like disconnection. What are your thoughts on that? And I think an example, child's like you said, nobody likes me, and then the response is that's not true, versus oh, that sounds lonely. You know, want to tell me more about that? So you see how one feels very different than the other.
Alona:Absolutely. There's a clear shutdown, a con uh very clear, we don't share a reality, a very cle a very quick I I would see myself, if I were the person sharing that I didn't have any friends, a quick need to defend, which already um is an indicator of disconnection. Um so yeah, absolutely.
Matt:Yeah. And then another one is that we can sometimes use accuracy as armor or a way to stay intellectual when we're uncomfortable or the heart space feels chaotic. So connecting is not always about control, it can be about fear. Facts give us this ability to hold on to something when emotions are chaotic. So you know, the sudden urgency to fix, to clarify or strain things out can be a way of avoiding vulnerability. Another one I liked was that we build identity on being the one who's right. Yes. If we're right, that means you know, we're smart, we're valuable, we matter, um, we're the dependable one.
Alona:Right. It enhances our worthiness and status.
Matt:And it's it's a slippery it's not very stable because if being right is when you're accepted and and matter and have value, then boy, is it scary to get get something wrong.
Producer:Mm-hmm.
Alona:Quite so.
Matt:So if somebody says, for example, you never told me that you know you had that meeting, and the other person, yes, I did. It was Thursday at three, or you get you know, what gets missed there? The feeling of being sort of you know left out or not not getting a need for uh uh inclusion. So you feel sad or hurt when you have that thought that you were left out. So connecting to that versus defending.
Alona:I like these insights. Anymore?
Matt:So correction can be a clumsy bid for connection, and you talked about that one.
Alona:Yes, yes, my friend, yes. I like that clumsy bid for connection because I think that was it. The intention was good. She wanted to jump into the conversation, the strategy not so effective.
Matt:And that's where we can instead of saying, Oh, they're we could do the same when we're trying to address this problem. So you could say, oh, they're correcting and you shouldn't correct. Now we're correcting them about correcting, versus just guessing the need. Oh, okay. You are each are you wanting to be included in the conversation? Okay. And then figure out, or in silently in your bot in your head, say, oh, they really want to be included. That's why they're correcting.
Alona:The challenge is, and this is what I wasn't aware of until I read that um comment on your article, was that more often than not, we shut down and we don't even recognize what created that situation. So I don't know that the girl that you mentioned could tie back, oh, my my mom's correction was what shut me down. Or my friend kind of disrupting the conversation, the the other people involved in the conversation might not connect it to the effort to correct. But when we can, yes, when we notice that initial disconnection, if we are mindful enough, that's a huge gift to be able to circle back and say, oh, is was this your need? Or more often than not, people get upset. And then the cycle kind of perpetuates itself because the person who corrected will want to defend, the person who was corrected will want to defend, and then you're in a bickering kind of empathy collision.
Matt:Right. And those those those three, right? They could when when someone's corrected, they might respond by attacking back, they might respond by defending themselves, or they might respond by shutting down and not saying anything. All of those are signs that disconnection has has occurred.
Alona:Yes. And I think sometimes it can be really embarrassing too, right? We we talk about defending, but like sometimes when you're corrected, especially in public, which I'm I imagine happened with a with a girl that you mentioned, um it's really embarrassing. And you're not sure exactly what to do, but that hit is is a really painful one. So if you've been listening to us for a while, you know we get a lot of questions about what to do in tricky parenting or relationship moments.
Matt:Yeah, and if if I'm being real, I'm asking Alona those same questions all the time. I get into those same tricky moments as everybody else does. And as much as we wish we could be there for each other in those exact moments, we just can't always be.
Alona:Yeah, that's why we partnered with the amazing team at Connectin' to create something we truly believe in. An AI coach called Amari. And we didn't just lend our names, we helped build it and train it and brought in everything we've learned about emotional healing, connection, and communication.
Matt:Yeah, we spent years training and learning, and we've created Amari who is so calm and grounded, listens deeply and responds with warmth, clarity, and compassion. There's no judgment, no reactivity. In fact, we tasked our children with trying to get Amari reactive, and they still haven't succeeded. It's just steady support when you need it most.
Alona:We use it ourselves all the time, especially when we feel stuck or overwhelmed. And Amari's really helped us pause, reflect, given us insight that helps us come back to each other.
Matt:Yeah, we designed Amari to help you strengthen the relationships that matter most, starting with the one you have with yourself.
Alona:And we are so excited that you can try it now at weebarents.com and click on we be connecting with a K to sign up. And when you have your Amari moment, please let us know as we'd love to hear about it. So, what do we do about it? What what can we do?
Matt:Um the practice, the tool for today is is to help you focus on the experience instead of the words. Focus on their heart instead of the content of their of their words. And the four steps would be one, just pause that impulse. It's it's not something we can even fix if it's part of habit we already have. We can't, I mean, fix, but it's not something we can stop if it's a habit we already have. So feel that urge to correct and name it. Oh, I want to jump in, I want to fix them. I do that sometimes, especially when when the kids are sharing something where they're experiencing pain. Or they had a really you know loud inner critic, and I'll be like, I want to cheer them up, I want to correct them, I want to reassure them. But I just notice it. So one is pause the impulse. Two is anchor to their feeling, not your fear. So ask what are they trying to show me? What matters to them? What needs are they trying, what's happening in their heart? And try to anchor into that. And even if you're not sure, just the curiosity and the question around that is going to connect you. And remember, everything we're doing is trying to increase connection. It's not about you being right anymore than it is about making them correct or right. So step three would be mirror the heart and not the headline. So that you can say, oh, that sounds really frustrating. Um, you know, that makes sense. So even if you disagree with the details of what's upsetting them, can you connect to their pain? And then the four would be check in later about the facts, only if needed, only if it's gonna contribute. Why am I why am I dealing with facts now? Is this gonna help them? And this came up with our kids when they were they were trying to learn some new words in Hebrew, and they were saying uh something, and I I I corrected a word. I remember you saying, Hey, is that gonna be helpful? And I checked in and I was like, Oh, I don't know if that's helpful or not. And then asking them, hey, when you say a word that maybe is is different than the way I would say it, do you find that helpful? And then sometimes they do something that's owned. So just asking them. So had I wish I had done it where I said, Oof, you know, that's great, really cool that you're trying to express that. And, you know, is it helpful if I would say it differently to tell you, or do you just want me to hear the words that you're trying to say right now? So I think even asking them, because for me it is helpful when I'm trying to speak a new language to learn the new words, but if I'm really out there trying and they correct me right away, it might stifle, it might, I might feel embarrassed and not say anything. So it's finding that that balance. But what was really cool was um I remember Marshall Lisenberg, the creator of nonviolent communication, saying that really good empathy hasn't does not care about the facts at all. And he was saying that he used to do an exercise where he would say, I want you to empathize, write down your what you write down your response to someone who says, you know, I'm really upset right now that uh I just I'm so mad that uh President Biden is doing all the terrible things that he's doing right now. And then you would have people respond. And many of them would say, Well, actually it's Trump right now, it's not Biden. Rather than connect to the pain that they're experiencing around what's happening. And it's do you see what I'm saying? Like that to me was a great exercise to catch yourself on how you would respond with empathy first, and then you can say, Hey, well, actually, do you want some more information about the different presidents?
Alona:Yeah. Yeah, I think um the thing that stands out to me most in that tool and the and the invitation to our listeners is to connect with your impulse because I think that we follow a pattern too. Like, when do we feel the impulse to correct? Is it when you know there's no shared reality or a fact is misspoken, like Biden or Trump, you know, who's the current president? Is it when we see our kids headed for a train wreck and we want to prevent that so badly? Is it to fix a pain that they're experiencing? Is it to prevent our partners from being embarrassed in front of a group of people so we end up embarrassing them by correcting them ahead of time proactively rather than um after the fact? So, where do our tendencies lie in that? Because I think that the awareness around that helps us to pinpoint situations where that impulse might arise. And then it's easier to pause, you know, because impulsivity is just that. It blurts out before we're actually conscious and aware of it. So if we have that mindfulness around where do we actually have that impulse to begin with, it makes us a little bit more mindful stepping into situations where that might um have opportunity to come out. And then, you know, from there, taking the rest of the steps, anchoring to the feelings, um, mirroring the experience and the heart, remembering that even when you're in empathy, you're not in agreement. You're in empathy for the other, you're stepping into the shoes and the the world of the other person. Yeah. Um, and then yeah, check in later about the facts. And again, only if it's needed. I really like that part because probably more often than not, it's not needed.
Matt:Yeah, it's usually not needed. And ultimately, just you know, asking, do you want my perspective on that? Do you want my reaction about that, or do you just want me to tell you what I'm hearing? Yeah. Is important to you. And those are different requests. Honor their energy, not your urgency.
Alona:Oh, I like that. Um, that allow to that allow connection to be maintained.
Matt:Yeah, exactly. Another example would be when the trial, I think you said something like this Nobody wants to sit with me at lunch. And you can start with, well, that's not true. I I you told me you sat with Sam just last week. Yes.
Alona:Or oh, now I'm laughing because our youngest Jordan has a tendency to do that. If she's feeling the blues in some way, shape, or form, it nobody likes me, even though you know she has a ton of friends, or uh nobody wants to be my friend, or I'm whatever. I'm that she goes into eeure mode. Woe is me.
Matt:So when somebody says that to pause and just check yourself and just say, oof, I totally want to tell her about all the friends that she does have. But then you can sort of just check in what's their energy, what's going on inside of them? Hey, and if they're feel if something's feeling hard right now, and it's all about the present moment. In this moment, something's feeling hard for them. Hey, tell me what happened today that felt so hard right now. And then let that happen. Your job is, you know, to really hold on to that heart, not the facts.
Alona:Yeah. What makes you say that? For me, often it's like, oh, we gotta get out of this pity party. But um, but yeah, getting curious around, you know, what what what brought that up?
Matt:What what about piggy parties doesn't meet needs for you? I think that's helpful to share.
Alona:What about pity party? I think there's space and time for pity parties. Um I I have my own pity parties.
Matt:Um why do you feel urgency to get people out of or your kids?
Alona:Oh, my my big thing is to fix it. Like, you know, not have them in that pain, have a shared reality, have a I think I I have an attachment to their happiness. And so I want to see more of that. And and I think also, especially when um it isn't a shared reality. When I know, you know, if it's a real pain point, I think it's it's more easier to step into that vulnerability. But when it is purely I mean, I guess it's always a pain point, even if it's not a shared reality. Some things stimulated that, right? Right. But I yeah, it probably would be my attachment to their happiness.
Matt:So it comes down to getting comfortable with them being feeling unpleasant feelings.
Alona:Yeah. Ooh, and I think victimization. Like you feel like helpless or powerless or oh poor me, woe is me.
Matt:You want them to stay connected to their power and their their choice.
Alona:Right. So they can mourn in po in a po in a position of power over mourn in a position of um weakness. Weakness. Yeah.
Matt:And in this, and if they're not, and is it help is this okay that I keep asking you? Is if they're not connected to their power, why is in that moment, why is that uncomfortable or un or unpleasant?
Alona:Um, I think it that stimulates fear in me that they're not gonna be able to take care of themselves.
Matt:So peace of mind.
Alona:Yeah.
Matt:That they're gonna be okay.
Alona:Yeah. I was to be able to navigate even the the discomfort or the the challenges versus kind of, you know, wave their hand, raise their hands in the air and give up.
Matt:Yeah. So it comes back, that makes sense. So it it feels like it's it's like this sense of peace of mind, they're gonna be okay in this world.
Alona:Yeah.
Matt:And if they get lose their power or give up their power or get stuck in helplessness, now they're vulnerable and aren't gonna be able to take care of themselves.
Alona:Right. Or if they have that running loop of, oh, nobody likes me, I'm not likable, I'm not lovable, and that becomes the loop that their inner critic is speaking to them in.
Matt:It's gonna keep them from making friends and community.
Alona:It's gonna perpetuate that belief.
Matt:Yeah.
Alona:So I have so that's my yeah, that's my biggest, that's my uh impulse for correction is to fix and correct that.
Matt:To make sure they're gonna be okay in this world.
Alona:Well, and yes, and also correct any um anything that anything that that is not a shared reality around even their experience. Yes. Whether it's that they're weak or powerless or isolated or you know, not not enough or Whatever that is. So that's the impulse that I have to really watch and take a pause on.
Matt:Yeah. So if we're gonna reflect on this, I think you've done you've done that pretty well about the times. I think it's helpful for listeners just to take a second and reflect on oof, when do I do that?
Producer:Mm-hmm.
Matt:And if you can't think of time, do I do that? Exactly. If you can't think of a time, give yourself a little more space to reflect because I have I I don't know of anybody who doesn't do this at some point.
Alona:Yeah. And I think it comes next like the other day when you corrected the girls around the the wording, I think it it was almost like this automatic thing that there wasn't even awareness around it if it if we hadn't just kind of talked about this topic and called it out. Um and so yeah, and I think it it's not only relevant for for parents, it's relevant and it lives very deeply in couples. And the motivation behind that in couples can get even more complicated.
Matt:Especially when there's this there's this universal value around being right, being correct, being factual. Um and it's just it's extremely disconnecting. And it's at the same time, it's harder not to go to those habitual responsive patterns when we're tired, when we're under resourced, when we're anxious. So yeah, at the same time, we have to cut ourselves a little slack here. This is not going to be easy.
Alona:Yeah. And I think I think in couples, it shows up also sometimes in a need to be seen. And so as you're asking listeners to kind of think through what their impulse is, sometimes even in public, it's if you're sharing a story about our experience, and I feel like, oh, I'm not even seen here, or he didn't, he he's missing the big picture or whatever that is, the impulse to jump in to be seen. And that um that lies even deeper in in the couple dynamic, but then it shows up in public as this desire to to correct, to be accurate, to so again, an invitation to to see where it can live with you.
Matt:Yes, and as your partner, just come back to that. How is this going to contribute to our connection? And if you're not clear, why not wait? You can always say it later. This episode of We Be Parents is brought to you by WeBeeCalm, the child calmer designed by doctors and loved by parents.
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Matt:How would you explain it to your family when you say, I just listened to this podcast? And it turns out I correct you guys a lot more than I would like to.
Alona:Yeah.
Matt:I imagine this.
Alona:Yeah. I imagine that could be uncomfortable. Disconnecting or makes you not want to talk. Right. Or yeah, shuts you down. And I want to I want to do it differently. So I think what's helpful there is to call it out because for so many of us it it's kind of on autopilot and we don't recognize it. So to invite the family when it's noticed to just give a gentle reminder of, oh, correction. And so that people become ha have greater awareness around it. Um and then, you know, the invitation is to to practice the steps, to really practice pausing the impulse, connecting to the present moment, noticing the fear, stepping into the story, and then deciding if there's space and opportunity for correction.
Matt:Yeah. And this will happen all the time. So watch yourself about being the correction police about correction, too. Yeah, that's true. So just just watch that. We'll see our our kids. I mean, Kylie was correcting Jordan, the oldest, when Jordan was, I think, one.
Alona:Oh, yeah.
Matt:Remember, remember she used to when Jordan would say, How was your day? How'd you do? Yeah. And Jordan and Kylie would yell from any room, What'd you do? Not how'd you do? What'd you do, Jordan? And Jordan was like barely learned English. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like she was like fine word. How's we gay? How'd we do? And then, no, what'd you do? Yeah, it was so funny. Anyway, so we've been working with Kylie ever since to try and get her to stop correcting.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:And she still corrects.
Alona:Oh, she's still, yes.
Matt:Um, but anyway, so sometimes we have our own little correction police officer right in our house here.
Alona:Oh, yeah.
Matt:Sorry, so we're bringing it back home. So we explain everybody to it differently, normalize it. Normalize it by explaining, I do this all the time too. This is not about you guys, it's about helping me stop correcting you. And if you guys want to jump on board and try to stop correcting everybody in the effort of connection, let's do it together and invite it. Hey, so you know, when you're upset, do you will you let me know? I'm just gonna respond to what I think is upsetting you versus correcting any information at first. Would that feel good? Should we try that? And then if I am gonna correct you, I'm gonna I'm gonna ask your permission first if you're ready for it. And then model it. Let them see you pause. You can even talk it out loud and say, hey, I'm seeing that you're upset, and there's a part of me that wants to try and help you feel better. But I'm gonna put that on hold while I just stay with your upset feelings for a little bit. And is there more you want to share about how you're feeling right now? I think just even letting them know you're modeling that you're trying to do this a little differently. That can be very connecting.
Alona:Yeah. And I think just to note for those parents, you know, I'm thinking like if I were a parent that um wasn't right now practicing this collaborative parenting model, the first thing that would come to my head would be, well, what am I supposed to let them just be wrong or have grammar that's not correct, or choose the wrong words or say the wrong thing. Um and the idea behind all of collaborative pair uh collaborative parenting isn't to not guide or help your children, it's to maintain connection. And if you're if they're shutting down, you're not guiding and you're not helping them because they're going to rebel and push your guidance away. So even if you're correcting their grammar, that's not landing. You said it out loud, that might offer you some relief. Oh, I did something, but it's not landing and embedding for them.
Matt:Or it hits them so hard that it fuels the inner critic voice. And now they start to want to not make mistakes because they're, oh my God, this correction is so uncomfortable.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:So if we can make correction comfortable, then we do that by trusting that they want to fit in. They want to belong, they want to speak with grammar that everybody else speaks with.
Alona:Right.
Matt:So just wait and do it when it can be connecting, when they're ready for, when their system is ready for. So I'm not saying not to do it. I'm saying connect to what's going on first and then check in and say, hey, you know, if if you say some words that are different, is it okay if I tell you how I would say it?
Alona:Yes.
Matt:My guess is they're gonna want to hear it at that point because there's such care and they've already been seeing what they wanted to express from their heart before.
Alona:Yeah. Walk them out the door and whisper in their ear or whatever that is. But yeah, because otherwise they're gonna have perfect grammar, but you're not gonna hear it because they're not talking to you. You know? So the idea is what's the bottom line? And the bottom line is to maintain that connection with our children so that we have the opportunities to guide and help them through life.
Matt:Yeah, there's this belief that if we don't do it, it's not gonna happen as parents. And we have to start believing that our kids will grow up and be successful, productive members of society because it meets their needs to do so.
Alona:Yes. You know, it's so funny. This is totally tangential, but at the same time, it's how children meet their needs when it's important to them, um, regardless. So we just moved into this new space, and our children each have their own room, which they haven't had for a bit, and they're so excited. And making beds is not a top priority, especially in the morning. It's never been in our house. But now the girls have these beautiful rooms with these nice, comfortable pillows, and every morning they make their bed. And the other day I had a friend over and she's walking through their per immaculate rooms. She's like, How do you get them to make their bed in the morning? And the answer is, I don't. They couldn't they want to put up their beautiful pillows, so they're doing it themselves.
Matt:Yeah, they're proud and they like how their room is. Yes. In fact, we, you know, they we don't make our bed.
Alona:I know.
Matt:But they they made their beds. In fact, if I slept in their bed, they're like, Dad, you need to make my bed when you're done. Like they're yelling at me to make their beds.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:You know, like it's just it's just mind-boggling to me.
Alona:And that was done without us. So the idea being that yes, they, you know, we're helpful, but we're not the end-all be-all for how they s succeed in this world.
Matt:I think we have an inflated sense of all that we do and how that contributes. And we also have an inflated sense of all that we don't do and how we think that's going to negatively impact, or they're going to be lost without us.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:I think neither are accurate reality.
Alona:Yeah. I think it's balance, finding that balance.
Matt:Um so after we model it, we'll go back to bringing it home. Oh, yes. Model it, show them how to do it, and then practice it. Yes. Tonight, make it a point. And if your kids don't do it, you and your partner can sit there and say, Hey, or whoever's there, or you can ask one kid to do it while the other kid's talking, say something, and I'm gonna model not correcting you, even though it might not be how I would say it, or we don't have a shared reality. So I like those little fire drones.
Alona:Yes. And I think you can model it as the uh corrector or as the one being corrected. If you notice that you are being corrected, you can also turn the conversation back and say, Hey, can you just sit with me in this story for a minute and then we'll get to that? Um, which is a gentle way of noting the correction and also asking for uh continued presence and connection in the moment.
Matt:Yeah, I like it. All right. So what is one last thing as we get to the end here?
Alona:I really like what you said earlier, which is honor the energy, not the urgency. Um, and I think that's what I would leave with is really honor the energy of the present moment, of the present situation that you are in, rather than the urgency to fix, to correct, to get it right, and risk breaking the connection.
Matt:Quick recap here the tool of the spirit over the letter. Make sure we get that pause, the impulse to correct, watch yourself shift, don't grab the moment. Stay with the person, stay with them. Please just give that a shot. I'm telling you, it's gonna make a big difference. And thank you everybody for listening. Please subscribe, review, and send your uh stories to us at together at weavy together.com. And uh we're excited to continue talking. We'll see you next week.
Alona:Thanks, everyone.