webe Together
Welcome to "webe Together" with Dr. Alona Pulde and Dr. Matthew Lederman! We're parents first, doctors second, and life coaches third, blending nutrition, lifestyle, and connection medicine with nonviolent communication to help families thrive. In each episode, we'll share our "Cheers & Tears," dive into our "Topic & Tool," go from "No Skills to Pro Skills," "Bring It Home," and wrap up with "One Last Thing." Join us as we share stories, skills, and tips to help bring your family closer together using our professional expertise.
Thanks for listening!
Dr. Matthew Lederman & Dr. Alona Pulde
webe Together
Ep. 55: The High Cost of Being Right: Why Your “Helpful Corrections” Might Be Quietly Breaking Your Relationships
When does “being accurate” become the very thing that disconnects us from the people we love most? In this episode, Matt & Alona pull back the curtain on the subtle — and often invisible — ways our instinct to correct, fix, and fact-check can shut down our kids, silence our partners, and sabotage the connection we’re actually longing for. ❤️🔥
We explore why “connection before correction” isn’t just a catchy line — it’s a nervous-system shift, a mindset reset, and a relational game-changer. You’ll hear stories about kids crumpling when we try to “fix” their pain, how correcting your spouse in public creates shame and shutdown, and how our obsession with accuracy often masks our own discomfort more than it helps anyone else.
You’ll hear moments that may hit close to home, like:
• A parent tries to reassure a child saying “nobody likes me”… and accidentally makes everything worse.
• A spouse constantly jumps in to “fix” the story being told — and the other partner slowly stops talking, feeling erased.
• When we cling to accuracy, we miss the emotional truth underneath — and kids stop opening up because they don’t feel safe sharing their messy worlds.
Have a Kinectin Account? Explore these Nudges to see how they apply to your own life — in a way only Amari can.
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Producer:Welcome to We Be Parents, where parent doctors Matthew Letterman and Alona Polday explore current parenting topics, share stories, and help bring families closer together.
Alona:Hello, and welcome to We Be Together, where we explore the moments that build and or break connection across generations. Hi, I'm Dr. Alona Polday.
Matt:Hi, I'm Dr. Matthew Letterman.
Alona:And today is kind of a part two of what the cost of being right, um, the tendency to want to be accurate, to correct whether it's a fact or to fix a situation, and the cost that that has on connection. We talked a little bit about the impulses that result in that, what needs are being met in that desire for accuracy, and then introduced a tool, Spirit of the Over Letter, which really signifies kind of a moment of pause and an effort to be present to the situation over get caught up in the weeds and the facts of a given story.
Matt:Yeah. And before we jump into that a little bit more, I just want to invite everybody to subscribe and share this podcast with your friends and loved ones and help us spread the word. So thank you very much. And always send letters like we're going to be sharing today to us at Together at we be together.com.
Alona:Yeah. And I think this was a particularly important topic for me because I didn't realize how often how pervasive it is in our lives, whether we correct or being corrected by um by another person.
Matt:I've been telling you for years how much you do it.
Alona:There you go. And he correcting me, everyone.
Matt:I correct you. This is Matthew. All week you've been correcting it as and correcting you about correcting. Yes. So how has it been connecting?
Alona:So very disconnecting, but let's not go there.
Matt:That'll be the the the bloopers afterwards.
Alona:Yes. No, but really, like, uh, you know, at first I thought the topic, like I I do correct factually, but less so, I think more the aha moment for me was correcting situations, the fix-it, the right-it, you know, like uh if the girls come home and say, Oh, nobody loves me, I'm gonna fail everything, I'm never gonna be successful. And my instinct is to get accuracy there and and negate that and fix it and take the pain away.
Matt:And get them out of that helpless you it's basically what it comes down to is you shift to your needs, which is to get them out of helplessness to create uh kids that are gonna be successful in this world and becoming a victim and losing their power is not and you serve them. Yes. So you stay away from their need, which is maybe a little compassion, a little support, a little empathy, and go to your needs for peace of mind and trying to contribute to them in other ways.
Alona:And there's always good intention behind, I think, the need and the desire to correct. The question is, at what cost? When and where is that going to actually contribute versus sever a connection? And today we're going to share not only stories around that, but also letters from our listeners as far as the impact for uh on on uh listeners who are struggling with accuracy, either finding themselves as a corrector or being corrected, andor um those that have tried the tool to see if it has been successful or not.
Matt:Now again.
Alona:You know, I was looking at this, and and we talked a little bit about this last time about this is not just impactful for parents and kids. It's actually really alive in couples as well. And there was an article titled, Um, Honey, please don't correct me in public. And it really explores the damage to connection between a couple when correction is happening in a in a public setting. And I think the biggest part of that is that it can be really embarrassing and cause the partner that's being corrected to really shut down. And out of that shutdown comes enemy images of the other person. All good intentions have just flown out the window. And there's a real sever to the connection.
Matt:So instead of them seeing the goodness of your intentions, they just see the unpleasant impact of your actions.
Alona:Yes, yes. And and it's an invitation to really think about and discern when are we correcting? What's our motivation for doing so? And does it have to happen in the moment? You know, if if somebody's driving on the wrong side of the road, yes, you want to correct that right away. But if somebody says, oh, we spent 15 hours at the airport, it was really 10, do you really need to make that point? So the discernment around when is correction needed, when when is there urgency for correction? And when can it wait? And when does it never ever have to happen in the first place?
Matt:Yeah. And ask yourself, do you correct your partner in public? And then if you do, it doesn't mean you should stop. It means you should probably check in and say, hey, are you finding this as helpful as I think it is? Yes. And if they say no, then have a discussion around what would contribute. Or maybe also check in. Are you really trying to correct big them in public because it contributes to them? Or maybe you're a little bit embarrassed about how it's coming across, it's really around your need for acceptance.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:You know, maybe it's uh competence.
Alona:Yes. Yes, in which case It's not about contribution, it's not about them, it's about you and a moment for you to kind of check in with yourself and and have opportunity to kind of grow in that space.
Matt:So basically, then the request of your partner is hey, do you mind if I correct you in public because it makes me feel better about myself?
Alona:Yes.
Matt:At least that's the honest request at that point.
Alona:Right. All right. Should we uh step into letters from our listeners today? Or do you have any other stories you wanted to share?
Matt:Um, there was one um article that was called My Teen Gets Annoyed When I Don't Remember Every Little Thing She Has Told Me. My Teen Gets Annoyed When I Don't Remember Every Little Thing She Has Told Me. Okay. In that Article, a Mother Describes the Tension with her 16 Year over the Mother forgetting Small Details, and the daughter shares names and stories and preferences, and the daughter interrupts. You know, any forgetfulness is emotional neglect. And even though the mother's memory lapses is are unintentional and rooted in you know some cognitive limits, but the the mom reflects on how she used to feel similarly towards her mother. And to me, what was interesting about this was my daughters are always coming to me, telling me all sorts of stuff that's super exciting and about school and you know, and friends and roadblocks and dance moves and kids, and I mean, some of them not even sure if they're speaking English. Like I don't even understand. But what I'm doing, I used to get feel pressure to really track the content. And instead, I'm like, boy, they were just really happy about something. And I'm really connecting to their happiness and joy around something that they're doing, or something with their friends, or something with a game. And I don't force myself to get all the content correct, which relieves pressure in me and allows me to just connect to their heart. And what I found is they love that. I don't need to get, and then if there's a specific detail that they want, they'll bring it up again and they'll say, or I might not reflect what they want heard. And what's nice when you don't reflect or share or hear somebody, they repeat themselves. Because they have another chance. They exactly, and they'll repeat what's actually important. So now you don't have to try and remember everything, you just remember the stuff that they are telling you is important to them. Yeah. And that's what's cool is that once you heard them, people stop repeating themselves. So when people and then you hear the stuff they want, and it's this dance versus I have to get the content right, which used to create pressure, especially when I'm tired.
Alona:That is a really interesting twist on accuracy, which is your pressure, the pressure that you put on yourself to maintain accuracy and be accurate as far as following their story. Ooh, so that's an invitation too for listeners. Not only when are you corrected or are correcting, but also when do you feel pressured to keep it all together? When does accuracy kind of uh disconnect in in you as a listener?
Matt:Yeah. Because you're you'll sometimes tell me about your books, and I have a very hard time tracking content, um uh audio. You know, I can I can I can read it, I can think about it, but when someone like when people are singing songs to me, I can't I can't track what's going on. I mean, during musicals, how many times I've asked you what the heck's going on in this musical? So so when people are telling me stuff, I can't track the stories very easily. But I can hear like pieces of it, and I can hear the excitement, and I can get and sometimes you'll like repeat the specific stuff, but can you imagine? And then I'll you know what I mean? So it's it's very helpful.
Alona:Yeah, yeah. Very interesting, uh, a little twist. So thank you for sharing that. I think that's that's an important other way to look at at how accuracy severs connection. Because if you're so busy trying to remember the names and the facts, you're also missing the emotion and the actual story behind it. So if you've been listening to us for a while, you know we get a lot of questions about what to do in tricky parenting or relationship moments.
Matt:Yeah, and if if I'm being real, I'm asking Alona those same questions all the time. I get into those same tricky moments as everybody else does. And as much as we wish we could be there for each other in those exact moments, we just can't always be.
Alona:Yeah, that's why we partnered with the amazing team at Connectin' to create something we truly believe in. An AI coach called Amari. And we didn't just lend our names, we helped build it and train it and brought in everything we've learned about emotional healing, connection, and communication.
Matt:Yeah, we've spent years training and learning, and we've created Amari who is so calm and grounded, listens deeply and responds with warmth, clarity, and compassion. There's no judgment, no reactivity. In fact, we tasked our children with trying to get Amari reactive, and they still haven't succeeded. It's just steady support when you need it most.
Alona:We use it ourselves all the time, especially when we feel stuck or overwhelmed. And Amari's really helped us pause, reflect, given us insight that helps us come back to each other.
Matt:Yeah, we designed Amari to help you strengthen the relationships that matter most, starting with the one you have with yourself.
Alona:And we are so excited that you can try it now at weebarents.com and click on we be connecting with a K to sign up. And when you have your Amari moment, please let us know as we'd love to hear about it. So I have a letter from a listener. Um, my nine-year-old came home from school crying and said, Nobody likes me. I immediately jumped in and said, That's not true. You have so many friends, but her face crumpled even more. I felt like I failed. I was trying to help, but I think I missed her.
Matt:That's a good point because have we have you that's happened to me where you think you're helping and you get the exact opposite reaction where their face falls, or you start talking, and and it seems like the person's like dirt, like looking away, like they're getting further from you. So then you keep talking more and you dig yourself deeper into this hole.
Alona:Oh, yes. And this uh, this is right up my alley because this is me.
Matt:You actually go with this letter.
Alona:Yes, I wrote this letter. Yes, except it's my 11-year-old or 13-year-old. But there she does. Yeah, I I definitely feel that pain. I sympathize and empathize with that because that writing reflex is my impulse for accuracy, is to take away the pain by saying, Oh, that's not true. You're wonderful and you're so smart, and you're, you know, and build them up when really that's not what they're looking for. Something is bothering them, their inner critic is active. And my just giving it an alternate reality is not offering them any relief or any support or any reassurance in that moment, actually. It's not what they're looking for. So, yes, that was a keen observation when the parent notices missing their child, because that is that is probably what happened. That the the child was reaching out for something else. There was a pain point there, there was an opportunity for curiosity around, ooh, what makes you say that today? What happened today?
Matt:Yeah, exactly. And I think as parents, it's helpful to me. This was really comforting to remember or to realize is that if our child needs us to tell them how wonderful they are, to build up their self-esteem, then they don't have any. Self-esteem comes from within. So what'll be interesting when you connect with them and they are pain is they naturally get to where they need to go. But if you think you need to inflate them, you're actually not helping them build self-esteem at all.
Alona:That's a very good point. And also, I think we get caught up in the words, like the the notion of nobody likes me, that's not a fact they're sharing with you. It's an emotion, it's a cry that I'm lonely or something happened that felt really unpleasant. Not the literal, I don't have any friends. And so if we don't get caught up in the facts or the if we don't take that as a literal but more figurative cry for something underneath, then we also don't have maybe that will kind of give that impulse to to write it um a natural pause. Um here's another one. My wife constantly interrupts me when I tell stories. She says it's because I get details wrong. I don't know how to respond without getting defensive. I feel erased.
Matt:That makes a lot of sense. I mean if you are trying to tell a story and they start telling correcting the story as you go, you start to like, why am I even talking? I had a supervisor at work that used to repeat repeat and improve from her perspective, all of the work that I would do, so I stopped saying, Why am I even working hard? Why am I bothering to show up? I think that happens here where you just you just lose this sense of of mattering and and wanting to speak and show up. So it's quite harmful versus letting them tell their story and connecting to the heart underneath.
Alona:Yes. And I think um I I can see the that notion of I feel erased. We all have a different recollection. You know, you and I saw an accident the other day, and even immediately right after that accident, our recall was different around what happened. And so to start correcting each other is really to negate the other perspective, negate the other reality. Um, and so I can see starting to feel erased and starting to have that inner critic of, I remember as a child, this happened for me with jokes. I would always fumble when I was telling a joke. And so somebody would jump in to finish off the joke or to correct the joke or to tell the joke. And at some point, my inner critic got so loud and it became, you don't know how to tell jokes. So just don't, you know, let other people tell the joke. And I even if I started telling a joke, if somebody jumped in, I'd say, Oh, why don't you tell it? You tell it better. And I think that that starts happening where you actually lost your self-esteem. Yeah. Instead of confidence around that, correct. And I think that that happens often, you know, where you you, I'm not a good storyteller, or I always remember the details wrong, or I never get that right, or my memory sucks, or whatever it is that you start telling yourself is a result of these mini corrections, even if the intention is to help the other person by correcting the detail, how much damage is done down the road as a result of it?
Matt:That's the ongoing message is you don't realize the impact that your tendencies to correct have.
Alona:Correct. Now, I I do invite in this particular situation the partner to there the your wife is trying to meet a need. And it's my guess is that it's not meant to hurt you, it's meant to contribute to you. And that she probably most likely doesn't see the impact of feeling erased. And so stepping into power is also not allowing that correction to just go unnoticed, but to with care have agency in the moment and say, Oh, I'd love to finish sharing first, then I'm open to hearing, you know, if I if I got things wrong or your version of it or how you saw it differently. Um, yes, yeah, but really maintaining that that agency and that warm boundary around, oh, I'd like to finish telling my version, and then you could jump in.
Matt:Exactly. And it's don't attack them back. It's a connect again, the goal is connection. You know, non-bombing communication, when we're first starting, a lot of times people they call the NBC police, where you're saying something, well, that's not a feeling, that's not a need. Yes, and then the other person's always correcting them. Boy, is that disconnecting? And and nothing creates an NBC allergy like NBC police.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:So it's really my mentor would say that guess at the feelings and needs that they're trying. So if they say something that you think is a need and they're calling it a feeling or a judgment, can it guess at the feeling underneath that?
Alona:Yes. And I think you have to have a black belt for that. That's hard to do. You know, that's that's my favorite part of watching Marshall Rosenberg's videos on NVC is when he pulls out the jackal and giraffe, the jackal being the uh the the epitome of NVC, the animal with the largest heart, and the one who can't sorry, the the giraffe.
Matt:I just corrected you. So how did that go?
Alona:It is now that was very good because I'm giving our audience incorrect information. So fact was important there. But um, the giraffe who has the biggest heart of all animals, and it's the epitome of nonviolent communication. Someone that can't see judgment and criticism sees past that to feelings and needs, and how the giraffe would just hear all this stuff coming at it, and it would only translate into these beautiful connected versions of what was being said. And and I aspire to that, but I think that's really hard, especially when you're triggered in a moment of, you know, sometimes correction comes at a great people get embarrassed, they shut down, the inner critic gets loud, they get small, they feel erased. And so when that happens, it's sometimes very hard to make that translation, but if you can. Oh, what a gift that is to yourself and and the other person. Oh boy. Yes. Um, so this is someone who actually tried the tool and but has a question, which is great. My dad always gets the family stories wrong, wrong year, wrong person, wrong location. It used to drive me crazy. But now trying out your tool, I just nodded along. Is that dishonest? And I love that question because I don't think it's dishonest. I think it's discerning. It's connecting to why am I actually correcting? What's my motivation to do that? And does it need to happen? Is it truly contributing in the way that I think it is, or is it disconnecting?
Matt:And again, you don't know the answer to that question until you ask yourself what needs is it meeting in you? And you connect with the other person about does this meet needs for them? And sometimes it may, sometimes it may not. Yes. Yeah. So maybe that's how he remembers it, maybe that allows him to tell the story more effectively. Maybe that's something that he wishes that how the story went, and he's sort of enjoying it through that memory and that lens. But then if that's the case, he's meaning he needs to enjoy himself and pleasure and connect with you around these this imagination essentially. Why not enjoy that with him? Right. What's the harm? Now, if he says, Hey, is that what happened? Is that your understanding of what happened? And then you can say, Oh, didn't you know, Dad, is that are you wanting to know if I share that reality? No, actually, Dad, for me, it was a little bit different the way I remember it. But do you want to hear about that? Or I'm I'm really enjoying your version too.
Alona:I love the way that you said that because that doesn't feel so much like a correction. It almost feels like an add-on. I remember it differently versus, ooh, that's wrong. That's not how it happened. It's an acknowledgement of a validation of the other person's version. And so I actually love that.
Matt:Well, I mean, how many times do we remember part of it? We we look at a painting and we see green and they see blue. Well, there's actually green and blue in the painting. Yes. So who's right? Right. Remember when we first met and I looked at the street sign and I said, You say, Oh, look, we're at Venice, and I said, That's not Venice. That's and then I looked up and it was South Venice. So I saw the South, you saw the Venice, and I corrected you, but you were actually just as right as I was. We to this your smile. What are you what are you thinking?
Alona:I'm remembering that very clearly.
Matt:I was very clear it wasn't Venice, it was South, and then I saw the rest of the South Venice.
Alona:Uh-huh. And that's what it was.
Matt:So again, it's like just remember that we all see things through our own lens, and then our brains perceive and pull out, but they think what the brain thinks matters. That can be very different for different people. It doesn't mean that what they're seeing out there is is wrong.
Alona:Yeah. I I like that reminder a lot. And then there's this one my daughter says things in public that aren't true, not in a malicious way, just inaccurate. For years I corrected her, but after hearing the podcast, I've been trying to let it go and stay with her spirit. The result is I noticed she's talking to me more this week. She trusts me with her messier stories. And I think ironically, that's what happens. Um, and so it's kind of cool that this parent noticed it happened so quickly. I think with kids, that's the beauty of connection, is when they feel connected, it's amazing how quickly they open up because that's something that they so long for, that connection.
Matt:When you stop grabbing for control, we often receive more trust.
Alona:Yes, yes. And in that trust, a beautiful world opens up, both in partnership and with our children and with our parents too. I mean, really across generations.
Matt:Yeah, and that's why it's so important. Connection grows not only for what we say, but also what we choose not to say. Yes, and both are important.
Alona:Agreed.
Matt:Are you ready to play a little game?
Alona:Oh, yay, games. Okay.
Matt:That does not sound believable. I like the yay, yes.
Alona:Are you correcting me?
Matt:I'm telling you my experience.
Alona:Your version.
Matt:My reality is different than yours because obviously so here we go. So this is called tension trade office. Okay. And both are slightly uncomfortable. You tell me which one you'd rather choose.
Alona:See, and you wonder why both are slightly uncomfortable.
Matt:If someone tells a story wrong, wrong, do you a correct them and risk disconnection, or let it go and feel a little unlord.
Alona:I love this. I know it, I know it. I know I would I would let it go.
Matt:Let it go. Yes. And now you feel pretty confident you would be able to let it go.
Alona:Yeah, that well, that's not that's not my moment. That's not my challenge. That's more my challenge. I'm yes, I'm open to the answer so quickly. Take a pause and then yes, that's my I didn't want to correct you, so I'm agreeing. But that's not okay, that's that's our next podcast. Why not agree with someone?
Matt:Oh boy.
Alona:Um, yeah, that that's not my trigger, but tell me about my children. And it's a whole oh, so this one's for you, but we should have done it in the reverse. I'll ask you again, Matt.
Matt:Oh, okay. Your child says I'm the worst at everything. Oof. Do you reassure immediately? Yes. Or hey, choose A. What's B? B is say nothing and sit in the feeling with them. Oof. I think you know the answer.
Alona:I do. Well, I know the answer. It's not what I do, though. Yes. You want to say nothing and sit in that feeling with them, but I don't want them to have the feeling. I definitely don't want to have the feeling for both of us to have the feeling. Oof. But yeah.
Matt:Yes, and that's the if we can get them comfortable being in this pain, it's not going to be, it's actually contributing to them. It's certain that's what I'm saying. It's so beautiful and so built their resilience. And they realize, oh, this is just unpleasant feelings. We're good. I know what to do. Mom sits in these feelings with me all the time. I've been here before. Reassurance is beautiful, but only if it comes after presence, in my opinion.
Alona:You know what that just made me connect to? Total tangent. But I often tell my children it's not about immediate gratification, but in that moment of reassurance, that's exactly what I'm seeking. Immediate gratification to make the pain go away. But it's not offering them long-term resilience. It's not offering them trust in themselves.
Matt:So you're trying to get the immediate gratification of relief. Yes. And you're squandering their opportunity to build resilience. Yes. And at the same time, you're seeing hypocrisy because you tell them to let go of immediate gratification. Yes. That's quite uh a lot of accountability there. I like it. Well, thank you. Self-awareness, you're you're uh meeting lots of needs there.
Alona:Let's see what I do next time that happens, then.
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Matt:So I'm gonna do partner. My partner tells a story that makes me look bad, and it's not accurate. Well, I can't think of a time where you would do that maliciously. So I might make a joke about it, but I had a lot of trust that you would never try to do something to be hurt. film. So I'll assume it was a you're you're joking.
Alona:I know I you wouldn't you're just so considerate that you would never if there was even the chance that it would stimulate pain in me, you wouldn't say it most are no well think of a time where maybe I did that and it triggered you for something.
Matt:Like it's more you're maybe your inner critica involved or because you want to you want to believe one time where we were talking to somebody and they said something where they were really proud of and then I started sharing without acknowledging what they said. And then you came back later and said I want to circle back to what they said and celebrated basically being about their needs whereas I changed right to my knees and shared what I wanted to. And I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment that I didn't acknowledge what they were saying and jumped right into my knees. So you said something there that stimulated shame and it wasn't your intention but it did and how I responded was I sort of shut down I started getting grass sort of like in my thoughts like why would you do that? You know you're making me look bad when I don't say but then I got to the vulnerable where I said oh I'm feeling shame about what happened and that dissolved all of the animosity towards you. So the animosity was a cover over my shame. Interesting.
Alona:So that's how I would navigate then so I shut down yeah yeah and I imagine that's a that's a common response to correction is that animosity because it masks shame or embarrassment. Yes probably so good a good thing to note.
Matt:Right. Well what are we taking from today that being right is never worth losing the moment of connection yes I think that's the you know trust that connection holds more truth than facts do. Like there's just more about connection in that moment and you can deal with facts later. We're not telling people it's not binary connection or facts. Start with connection think about the facts later particularly if it's going to serve the connection or or truly contribute to the other person.
Alona:Yeah. I think that's my one last thing today is remembering Marshall Rosenberg saying connection before correction. And what I liked about that is he's not saying connection instead of correction. He's saying before so before you correct connect and then find the time and the place to make that correction.
Matt:I like it.
Alona:Yes.
Matt:I like it that's a great way to end. So everybody please reach out if you need anything stories to share questions topics you want us to cover you can email us at together at webetogether.com subscribe and review the podcast it really helps us out share it with your friends and we're excited to talk to you uh next week on another episode thank you everyone bye