Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | Introduction to the Lack of Accountability from others

In today's episode I will be discussing lack of accountability in relationships, why this happens and how this contributes to a negative cycle.    If you have ever explained to someone how something they did to you hurt you and experienced them completely denying, disregarding or even blaming you for what happened, you may have experienced a lack of accountability.  Victims of childhood trauma  can spend lifetimes looking for and seeking accountability from abusers who will never give it.  If the victim does eventually receive an apology , it can sometimes not even feel like the relief the victim was hoping it would be because that apology can end up really being for the person who inflicted the trauma and not for the victim and sadly, it may not remove the pain.

As an abuse survivor I know first hand what it is like to never hear the words “I am sorry” from an abuser, I also know what it is like to hear the words “I am sorry but….” followed by excuse after excuse from an abuser, and, I know what it is like for an abuser to remember a reality that couldn't be further from the truth - a reality in which they were the victim that never did anything wrong.  It can make you feel like you made it all up, like you imagined it - it can make you spin looking for truths.  It is important for you to know abusers do this intentionally, it is a well crafted manipulation intended to make you doubt yourself and your true memories of what happened to you.

Transcript

Episode 10 - Introduction to Lack of Accountability from others  

In today's episode I will be discussing lack of accountability in relationships, why this happens and how this contributes to a negative cycle.    If you have ever explained to someone how something they did to you hurt you and experienced them completely denying, disregarding or even blaming you for what happened, you may have experienced a lack of accountability.  Victims of childhood trauma  can spend lifetimes looking for and seeking accountability from abusers who will never give it.  If the victim does eventually receive an apology , it can sometimes not even feel like the relief the victim was hoping it would be because that apology can end up really being for the person who inflicted the trauma and not for the victim and sadly, it may not remove the pain.

As an abuse survivor I know first hand what it is like to never hear the words “I am sorry” from an abuser, I also know what it is like to hear the words “I am sorry but….” followed by excuse after excuse from an abuser, and, I know what it is like for an abuser to remember a reality that couldn't be further from the truth - a reality in which they were the victim that never did anything wrong.  It can make you feel like you made it all up, like you imagined it - it can make you spin looking for truths.  It is important for you to know abusers do this intentionally, it is a well crafted manipulation intended to make you doubt yourself and your true memories of what happened to you.

 So what exactly is a lack of accountability?

The lack of accountability in relationships is when one person in a relationship does not take any responsibility for how their actions affect others.  They have no understanding or insight into how their behavior influences others, they refuse to acknowledge how their actions impact others and they blame the other person in the situation for any problems that arise.  They do not consider anyone else's perspective and do not actively listen which means they do not listen in a way that demonstrates respect for the other person's feelings and opinions.

Why does lack of accountability happen in relationships and how does it impact the negative cycle?

Lack of accountability is linked to an abusers limit of shame tolerance.   You hear me talk a lot about primitive emotions on this podcast, they are so important to understand because understanding that an emotion or reaction is primitive helps us understand why it can be felt so quickly and with such intensity.   Shame is one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience and it is a universal emotion among humans.  Healthy shame can actually be a good thing. It can guide a person to make amends, to grow and to correct themselves.  Abusers, though, often have little tolerance of shame and completely avoid the feeling all together.   Shame is an awful feeling, it can send someone into flight or flight, sending our body into fear of being hurt or eaten by a predator so it is understandable why someone would want to avoid the feeling but it is important to understand that does not make it right, it just makes it more difficult for that person to deal with.

One of the biggest problems with trauma is it can breed this lack of accountability, which can lead to repeating the native cycle. 

Lets say an abuser experienced one of the following in their childhood: 

• painful abuse
• criticism
• rejection
• betrayal
• contempt
• neglect
• blame 
• punishment 
• gaslighting 

These can all lead to that horrible feeling of shame, a child will go to a place of - I deserved this, I have done something to deserve this, I tried to fix it and I wasn’t good enough and so on.  The child then tries to figure out how to manage by going into survival mode, doing whatever they need to get through the experience.

Let’s bring this to the present day, a person in a relationship (this could be intimate partner, parent to child, work colleague, friendship and so on) does something that hurts the other person.  The other person gives them feedback,  this feedback makes them feel shame, this feeling makes them go right back to survival mode.  They can’t see or hear how the other person in the relationship is feeling, they are running for their own lives in their mind and their body.  If they have not healed from what has happened to them or worked on their trauma response.  This is also why the person cannot give the victim what they need - they will not take accountability, or say I’m sorry.  So this will repeat, over and over again until someone steps into break the cycle.

My story and how lack of accountability has impacted me as an adult:

Lack of accountability from others for me has resulted in a struggle with feedback.  I had become the ultimate perfectionist - I did not ever expect perfection from anyone else but I did completely expect it from myself.  My self standards had evolved to become  that there was no room for error or imperfection - to me those were signs of weakness.  Feedback and corrections would make me upset, I would be inwardly angry, I would get defensive, I would think things like no - that is not possible I don’t ever make mistakes.  I am 100% correct, I did my homework, I fact-checked there is no way I got this wrong.  I did not realize it then, but I was right back there, right back to being a little girl.  I was right back to making sure I didn’t cause anyone to find errors, I would go over things repeatedly to make sure they were perfect,  I would literally tip toe around to make sure the floorboards creak, I would always be on my best behavior, always complicit, always a sweetheart.  I was right back to being terrified, to trying unsuccessfully to stay out of harm's way.  I could not hear the feedback in a healthy way or take it in.

It was not until someone said to me - “feedback is a gift”  that my perspective changed.  That person explained that if you are given feedback you know where you stand, you get insight into what the other person is thinking whether it is positive or negative which is much better than never being given any information and being surprised by it after the fact.  Then it clicked for me, I needed feedback, I needed to be allowed to make mistakes and to learn from them.  

What have I done to break the cycle of how lack of accountability from others has impacted me?

Step 1:

Acknowledging that I was not comfortable with feedback.  This took a while for me to sit with and to live with, but slowly, overtime I realized that feedback was very hard for me to receive.  

Step 2:

Accepting that I would never get the apology I was looking for from my first abusers.  At first I truly thought an apology would fix everything.  Apologies, if they are said with true intention are very valuable and healing and are absolutely vital in relationships.  In my situation however, I had to accept that my first abusers would not acknowledge their faults and based on their personalities, an apology would be a self-fulfilling action for them, it wouldn't be about helping me.  

This is the thing, it was never about me.  My needs were not met, my pain was not heard and  I was not truly seen.

Step 3:

Holding others accountable.  Now, I let people know when they have done something unacceptable, why it is unacceptable and how it makes another person feel.  I give them a chance to apologize and if they don’t, I ask for it.  It doesn’t feel good to ask for an apology and at that point it doesn't feel like it was intentional but I still do it because it gives the other person a chance to practice and to learn they cannot get away with that behavior around me.

My experience - how implementing the steps outlined above led to a positive outcome:

I practice receiving and holding feedback regularly, and it has allowed me to grow so much both personally and professionally.  For me, accepting feedback is truly an act  of accepting help and now that I see how far it can propel me forward, I ask for feedback proactively.

Understanding that what my former abusers can offer to me emotionally always was and always will be limited has been extremely relieving.  It has allowed me to let go of something that ended up being impossible to receive, it was a hopeless dream and to accept that is far more rewarding than always chasing it.

And finally, holding others accountable to their actions is incredibly engaging, healing and empowering.  This is something that you can do too.