Cycle Breaker and Change Maker: Introduction to Fierce Independence also known as Hyper-independence

Episode 11 - Introduction to fierce independence or hyper-independence and the inability to ask for help

In today's episode I will be discussing fierce independence, also referred to as hyper-independence as it relates to trauma.  If you find it extremely difficult to ask for and to receive help, push people trying to help you away and have a preference of doing everything by yourself, you could be experiencing hyper-independence which may be a trauma response.  Many people who are fiercely independent have acted in such a way for so long that they don’t even know why hyper-independence may exist.

 So what exactly is  fierce independence?

Hyper-independence is when someone has the overpowering sense and feeling that they must rely upon themselves in order to survive.   Hyper independence can mean existing with a perspective of “I” when it comes to challenges and tasks as opposed to a “we” perspective - this can lead to having a great deal of trouble delegating tasks, refusing help and constantly over exerting themselves by taking on more than they can handle.  A person with hyper-independence may be extremely hesitant to trust others for help and support - whether that is emotional or physical support,  When hyper-independence is at an extreme it can cause challenges with forming meaningful relationships.  While independence is a very important and helpful attribute, when a person becomes independent to the point when they refuse help that would make things simpler and easier and they may cause themselves feelings of isolation and unneeded stress.

Transcript

Episode 11 - Introduction to fierce independence or hyper-independence and the inability to ask for help

 In today's episode I will be discussing fierce independence, also referred to as hyper-independence as it relates to trauma.  If you find it extremely difficult to ask for and to receive help, push people trying to help you away and have a preference of doing everything by yourself, you could be experiencing hyper-independence which may be a trauma response.  Many people who are fiercely independent have acted in such a way for so long that they don’t even know why hyper-independence may exist.

 So what exactly is fierce independence?
 
 Hyper-independence is when someone has the overpowering sense and feeling that they must rely upon themselves in order to survive.   Hyper independence can mean existing with a perspective of “I” when it comes to challenges and tasks as opposed to a “we” perspective - this can lead to having a great deal of trouble delegating tasks.  A person who is hyper-independent may refuse help and they may constantly overexert themselves by taking on more than they can handle.  A person with hyper-independence may be extremely hesitant to trust others for help and support - whether that is emotional or physical support. When hyper-independence is at an extreme it can cause challenges with forming meaningful relationships.  While independence is a very important and helpful attribute, when a person becomes independent to the point when they refuse help that would make things simpler and easier and they may cause themselves feelings of isolation and unneeded stress.

Why does hyper-independence happen?

Hyper-independence can be a trauma response and a coping mechanism developed to survive a traumatic experience.  A traumatic upbringing or past can lead to the very unsettling feeling of a lack of control over your life and your surroundings. Being independent can feel like a way of managing uncertainty because you are in control and in the driver's seat of your life.  If you have been abused you may not feel safe asking for help and asking for help in the past could have been paired with relying on your abuser.  If your needs were neglected you may have been placed into a parental role in the family having to fend for yourself, so your sense of self is linked with what you can do for yourself and for those around you in order to survive.  When you take all of this into consideration, it is no wonder so many victims of trauma experience hyper-independence and it is also no wonder why it is misunderstood because it can be such an innate feeling it is hard to explain where it comes from.

My story and how hyper-independence has impacted me as an adult:

As a young adult I was extremely independent, I would almost always refuse to ask for help and wanted to do everything alone.  And, as an adult, were so many times my hands would literally be full of bags of groceries, I would be carrying bags around my neck, have keys in my mouth and be trying to open a door with my foot - someone would offer help and I would say - no I’ve got this, I’m good.  It didn’t stop there, I was like this work and emotional loads too.   On the rare occasions that I would ask for help, I had what seemed like a knack for asking people that would push back or make me feel badly for asking for help in the first place.  It was as if I chose them in order to affirm my behavior. 

As the years went on though, I started to feel weighed down, like I was carrying a house on my back.  I had developed an incredibly high tolerance for managing any type of load and it finally caught up with me.  People would routinely say, I don’t know how you do it all?!  The problem was it was unhealthy, and unsustainable.  My work and life load had grown so big, I finally began to experience overwhelm in ways that were impacting my body.  It showed up as anxiety, heart racing, palms sweating, nausea and vomiting anxiety.  It felt like I could not make a difference no matter how much I accomplished, and I moved mountains.  At that point, I could not see a way out.

 What have I done to break the cycle of trauma that has led to hyper-independence for me?
 
Before we get into the steps I would like to make it clear that these steps do not pertain to children that may be dependents - their needs must be met, while it is key to take care of yourself too it cannot be at the expense of neglecting a child.

Step 1:

Stopping before I say yes and asking myself - does this serve me first before it serves anyone else?  I used to say yes to everything and put everyone's else's needs before my own.  Part of my hyper-independence became not only doing my own tasks myself, but taking on others tasks as well.  I had to learn that I have physical and emotional limits and I had to learn to respect them.
 
 Step 2:

Letting others help and delegating.  This was a hard one for me, but it is an absolutely necessary skill.  I learned how to give tasks away and how to do it with intention by setting expectations and following up on them when needed.  Some tasks I simply had to let go.  When you feel overwhelmed and anxious everything can seem important, when you start to chip away at the mountain what is truly important and impactful becomes more clear. 

Step 3:

 Asking for help.  This has been a huge step forward that I am very proud of.  I have always found it very easy to ask for help for others, and to spend time and energy advocating for others but when it came to me, that was historically a much harder step to take.
 
 My experience - how implementing the steps outlined above led to a positive outcome:

In my childhood leading into young adulthood asking for help came with strings attached from my abusers.  It happened so often that one was synonymous with the other and I simply stopped asking.  It made me incredibly independent, I did not want to owe anyone anything ever.  It was an attribute that many found attractive and admirable, which made it even harder to try to change.  

Hitting an emotional and physical wall of exhaustion gave me the opportunity to learn from what I was doing, and to look at how I could do things differently.   By not saying yes all the time, I was exerting my right to say no.  I was building my muscle of yes to myself.   By delegating, I got to teach others which I absolutely love doing and I also got to see others grow - that was incredibly rewarding.  By delegating, I was able to use my energy and skills where they provide the most value which makes me feel whole.

Learning who to ask for help and how to ask for help has been the most impactful step in my life, this is because it has given me the experience of receiving help with no strings attached simply because someone wants to help me. At first, I was so surprised to receive help, I was always the helper that was my role, but not anymore, now I am able to receive help and I know that you can too.