Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | Introduction to Oversharing

Episode 14 - Introduction to Oversharing

In today’s episode I will be discussing oversharing as it relates to a trauma response and providing a three steps to help you overcome oversharing.  Divulging excessive information quickly in a relationship is a very common pattern in people who have experienced trauma.  Do you ever find yourself explaining things without limits to the wrong person and maybe at the wrong time?  Do you go into great detail about your life really quickly with someone you just recently met?  Perhaps you find yourself giving up information that you later realize was inappropriate or maybe you give up too much information too soon for the situation at hand.  If so, you could be experiencing oversharing.

Transcript

Episode 14 - Introduction to Oversharing

In today’s episode I will be discussing oversharing as it relates to a trauma response.  Divulging excessive information quickly in a relationship is a very common pattern in people who have experienced trauma.  Do you ever find yourself explaining things without limits to the wrong person and maybe at the wrong time?  Do you go into great detail about your life really quickly with someone you just recently met?  Perhaps you find yourself giving up information that you later realize was inappropriate or maybe you give up too much information too soon for the situation at hand.  If so, you could be experiencing oversharing.

 So what exactly is oversharing?

Oversharing is when you give an inappropriate amount of detail about your personal life.  It is when you find yourself saying more than you should.  Oversharing is when you are speaking to someone and you give information that is over the level of emotional intimacy you have with the person receiving it.  For example you would have a very different level of emotional intimacy with a friend vs with a coworker, stranger or recent acquaintance.  

While intellectually you know that you should reserve sharing the most private aspects of your life with those closest to you, sometimes you cross a line by getting too personal too fast.

Additionally , the tendency to disclose an inappropriate amount of information about one’s personal life has increased in reach and commonality because of social media.

So why does oversharing happen?

Oversharing can occur as a need for validation, it can feel empowering and freeing but is often a self-preservation tactic and a coping mechanism for anxiety, stress and untreated trauma  - it can also be a sign of a cry for help.  Oversharing is a common coping mechanism for victims of trauma.  By providing a lot of intimate details quickly, a person who is traumatized can feel like they are fast-tracking a new relationship.  This can make them feel safe and provides them with  a feeling of closeness and personal intimacy.  The problem is though, this level of closeness and intimacy is false when achieved in this way.

My story and how oversharing has impacted me as an adult:

Oversharing can take on different forms, it is for this reason that I did not recognize that I was an oversharer at first.  I would share intimate details of my life and of others in my circle extremely quickly.  By doing this, I felt an almost immediate connection to others.  Even though it was a one-way connection I didn’t care, it felt good and it felt safe.  Oversharing was my way of making sure people could “see” me and for them to know I was a safe person for them to open up to.  It was my way of making sure they knew I had been through a lot of trauma in an effort to make sure they would not hurt me.  The thing was though, while I was sharing personal details and being what I thought was open and transparent, I was never actually sharing the full story of what happened to me.  Those details were too painful for me to even look at or admit to myself let alone divulge to others.  So what ended up happening was that I was providing a surface level shock factor glimpse into who I was in order to evaluate a person’s response: How would they react?  Would they be startled?  Would they show compassion?  Would they not know what to say?

Because the connection was one sided, and I was not able to evaluate if I was giving information to a safe person I was giving information to the wrong people in the wrong way.  By giving up too much information too quickly I was telling undeserving people my weaknesses, my fears and giving them a roadmap on how to manipulate me into doing things that were not good for my well-being.


What have I done to break the cycle of trauma that has led to oversharing for me?

Step 1:
Observing - observing not only how and who I was giving information to but also how other people around me were sharing information.  This allowed me to see where I was behaving similarly to people that were giving too much information out too fast. 

Step 2:
Evaluating the type of relationship I had with the people I was sharing with.  How long had I actually known them?  How well did I really know them, how much did I truly know about them?  Remember, when you first meet people you are meeting their best representatives, it takes time to truly unpack who a person really is.

Step 3:
Guiding, would I guide a friend to share so much so soon?  If I wouldn’t, I needed to respect the same advice I would give to someone else. By taking a moment to evaluate the situation, you can decide whether or not you should redirect the conversation to something less personal.

My experience - how implementing the steps I have shared led to a positive outcome:

It took me a long time to realize that some of the information I was giving ended up being used against me in a negative way.  Because I had shared my fears and weaknesses so openly, they were used against me to make me walk on egg-shells, to diminish my self confidence and sometimes even used as fear tactics. 
I realized overtime that I was oversharing. I first noticed it when I observed someone overshare and how others responded to it.  It felt awkward, it looked like the person on the receiving end had been given a package larger than they could handle, while the person giving it felt happy to give it away.  It was so unbalanced. I related to the situation, I was not shocked by the information, and then I realized I had done the same thing many times.
 
Someone very near and dear to my heart told me they were not comfortable with me sharing intimate details about my life when it involved them - this really snapped me out of my behavior because I realized I had been giving information that was not mine to give.  So instead of giving out what came to my mind quickly, I started to pause.  I held the information.  I knew I would feel better sharing the information, but instead of immediately sharing I made a very conscious effort to become more mindful of the people I was sharing with. 

This took a lot of practice, because at first it made me feel unsafe not to give out information but, by practicing holding information until I evaluated the person I was giving it to, unleashed a superpower I didn’t even realize I had. I can read people, I can read social situations clearly and, I can sense accurately if it is a safe place or not.

Personal information is precious, by pausing and by giving information breathing room before giving it out you will be amazed at what you will find out about yourself and about others.  Pausing is incredibly healing and most importantly it teaches you how to protect yourself.  

A skill that will last you a lifetime