Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | Why people do not step in to stop abuse and a guide to giving help to someone you suspect is being abused

Today's episode is an explanation of why people do not step in to stop abuse and a guide to giving help to someone you suspect is being abused.

If anyone that did not step in and help me is listening today - I understand why you couldn't then but I need you to know that it is not too late to help others now.  

When I was growing up, many parts of my family's situation were kept buried and expertly hidden.  Once I became an adult and began advocating for myself I started to truly take a stand about what happened to me as a child.  When I did this, something unexpected happened. Many people in my life came  forward.  They came forward and told me that they were always worried about what was happening to me in the house I grew up in.

Transcript

Today's episode is an explanation of why people do not step in to stop abuse and a guide to giving help to someone you suspect is being abused.

If anyone that did not step in and help me is listening today - I understand why you couldn't then but I need you to know that it is not too late to help others now.  

When I was growing up, many parts of my family's situation were kept buried and expertly hidden.  Once I became an adult and began advocating for myself I started to truly take a stand about what happened to me as a child.  When I did this, something unexpected happened. Many people in my life came  forward.  They came forward and told me that they were always worried about what was happening to me in the house I grew up in.

They worried, yet, never once intervened. 

At first I was deeply saddened and extremely angry, how different my life could have been if just one person had stepped in.   The years of emotional pain and suffering that could have been avoided!  The huge financial cost.  The scars that will never ever go away.  I had to grieve a life I imagined I could have had.

Placing blame and being angry I learned very quickly is extremely exhausting  and it got me nowhere fast.  I had every right to my emotions and I absolutely needed to process them.  After a time though I found that it was inefficient and not helpful to be wrapped up in the what-ifs.  As a general practice I have moved away from spending a lot of time with emotions that are not helpful and that do not promote healing.  They still exist, but in a tempered way and in a way that promotes forward momentum.

Traumatic life events and critical illnesses are unfair, unpredictable and non-discriminatory - they take aim at anyone and at any time.  This is why you can’t fight them, can't resist them.  These are the hardest and darkest parts of the human experience and they are parts we absolutely cannot control because they happen to us without our permission.

What we can control is how we respond to these events once time has passed , what we do with what we learn from them.  We can make what happens to us something completely different. This is where the healing and change making really begins to happen. 

Why do people not help victims of abuse?

The answer can largely be summed up in one word - shame.   Shame is a very powerful emotion. It is a primitive emotion and it is an emotion that all humans share.

In historic times when humans had much less sophisticated cognitive processes shame existed as a survival mechanism.  If you were shamed from a group it would leave you vulnerable - in a time when humans relied on groups for survival for food and shelter and protection from animals vulnerability could easily equate to death.

In present day shame still makes people feel extremely vulnerable and uncomfortable.   Hearing that someone has been abused - exudes these same feelings and the same response.

Why does not helping victims of abuse happen?

My answer to this question for this segment will be focused on the children of abuse scenario because they are a very vulnerable group.  These principles however apply to any victim of abuse, abuse can happen to any socio-economic groups in our societies. As we look deeper into this subject there can be many reasons that an individual doesn’t help a victim of abuse. I have heard these reasons time and time again.

While I understand all of these reasons, I don’t agree with them as reasons not to help in some way because when it comes to abuse victims and especially children, they need help which has to take priority over discomfort.

When learning of or suspecting abuse people can experience:

- Overwhelming feelings of fear anger and shame which makes a potential helper stop in their tracks

• Disbelief - for example there is no way that that person is an abuser
• Dependence on the abuser - the adult being told about the abuse may be financially, emotionally or physically attached the abuser 
• It’s none of my business 
  Thinking that the costs of speaking up outweigh the costs of protecting a child
• 
  
  My story and how people could have intervened and didn’t:

I sadly grew up in a house of horrors.  I was not allowed to talk about what was going on, the things I did not understand and the things I knew were morally wrong.

There were two main themes for the people in authority that could have helped me, their expectation was that I could have told them what was going on - they have said to me “why didn’t you tell me?”.  The thing was though, my abuser was always around and in the limited time that they weren't - I was too terrified to say anything.  It was not as simple as speaking up. How could it be? I was afraid for my life.  

Then there were those that knew about the tendency for harm in my home and worried for me, but did not do anything more.  They stayed silent. They did nothing.

What can be done to help someone you know or suspect is a victim of abuse?

Adults in authority positions including and not limited to medical doctors, teachers, principals, coaches, friends  - this is for you.  Don’t place the expectation or onus of a child or victim of abuse to come to you.  Don't wait for them to come to you.  If your gut tells you something is wrong - listen to it.  Don’t turn away from it.  Even if that is how you were treated in the past.  This is where you can make a difference. This is where you can become a cycle breaker and a changemaker.

Remember, abuse can be physical and sexual but it does not stop there, neglect (such as not having food, clothing and basic care needs met) and emotional abuse (such as being rejected, berated, continuously isolated or manipulated) are forms of abuse too.

While physical injuries that are unexplained can be s sign of abuse there are other signs too - depression, extreme fear of an adult, lack of trust in others, hostility, poor hygiene and other repeated inappropriate behaviors.

Step 1:

Be a safe person.  Let the child or adult know you are there if they ever need to come to you for help. No explanation needed, no judgment - you can be a safe person.  Remind them of this from time to time.  At first they might wonder what you are talking about and why you are offering because abuse victims may not know what is happening is wrong.   This information will stick, I promise you.

Step 2:

The right to safety. Explain that we have a right to be safe. When on play dates, or volunteering with kids or in adult social gatherings with peers, remind children and adults that they are special and always have the right to be safe no matter what.  This fosters the understanding that abuse is not their fault and helps people to come forward.

Step 3:

Intervention. If a child or abuse victim comes to you needing help, thank them for coming to you and take the opportunity to remind them that it is not their fault, no one ever deserves to be abused in any way.  Contact your local child protective services department or local police for instructions.   If you witness obvious abuse, contact your local child protective services department or local police for instructions in this case too.  This is going to require that you acknowledge any feelings of discomfort and shame that may come up for you but not let them stop you.

I would like to thank you for listening today, I know this is not an easy subject to discuss or think about.  By listening you are making a difference, you will know what to watch out for, you will be more aware of what to watch out for and you may even save a person's life.